bilge - sook my stupid brain!bilge - sook my stupid brain!the increasingly incontinent rantings of a drunken has-been irish punk, railing ineffectually against the world.
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top of the bilges - 2007
2007-03-27 00:00:00 G-DRRK A-DRRK DRRK DRRK A DRRK! G-DRRK A-DRRK DRRK DRRK A DRRK!* hi pop pickers and welcome to “top of the bilges 2007″! following a fine tradition, established as far back as january 2006, it’s about this time of year that i fire up itunes and use its ability to keep track of how many times i’ve played a particular tune to compile the chart of my top tunes of the previous year. so here they are - my top twenty ‘hip-wiggling’, ‘toe-tapping’ greats from 2006 [note: links are provided to let you hear any of the tunes you’re not familiar with. for copyright reasons, you obviously shouldnae download and keep any of them you don’t already own!] pos* song artist times played *last year’s position in brackets [last year’s chart was a top ten] 01 [01] born to raise hell motorhead 57 02 [02] [i could be] happy yesterday stiff little fingers 40 03 [08] going nowhere therapy? 36 04 [06] du h...
the louder you shout, the less i hear!
2007-03-27 00:00:00 the other night, when i was watching some drivel on the box, the ads came on and a minor irritation occured when i automatically reached down for the remote control to hit the “mute” button and found it wasnae where i usually leave it. it occurred to me that for months now i’ve been instinctively muting the TV as soon as any channel i’m watching goes into a commercial break. you see, the thing is that, not only are adverts an intrusive annoyance at the best of times but, as any fule kno’ the most irritating thing is that the adverts are that much LOUDER than the programmes they interrupt. now by law, advertisers are not allowed to boost the volume above the level of the surrounding programs, but you, me and the gatepost all know that they do it. it’s actually quite a basic studio technique to “compress” the audio signal, so that whilst the peak volume remains the same, the overall levels are boosted and everything sounds LOUDER. n... More About: Hear , Loud , Less , Shout
goody news is no news
2007-03-27 00:00:00 anger and outrage swept the globe this week and left the united kingdom and india teetering on the brink of total nuclear armageddon, when it was learned that one moronic zzzelebrity who would “eat their own shit with a knife and fork if they thought it would get them on television” had kind of… sort of… obliquely offended another moronic zzzelebrity who would “eat their own shit with a knife and fork if they thought it would get them on television” - the incident apparently occurring on a television show so moronically insulting to the intelligence that it is guaranteed to be a ratings smash with the fuckwitted, brain-dead drones who make up the overwhelming majority of the british public, meanwhile and [according to most of the news programmes i watched] much much less importantly - in iraq, another hundred or so people were blown to pieces in the continuing fallout from the crusade to bring freedom, democracy and reality TV to the iraquis... More About: News , Goody , Good
environmentally feindlich
2007-03-27 00:00:00 i’m glad to see that the government is finally doing its bit for the environment by using yesterday’s budget to add a few pence onto the price of a litre of diesel and also by raising the road tax on 4×4s to Ł400 a year! i fully realise that using my beat-up fourteen year old isuzu trooper a couple of times a week to nip to the supermarket or pick the missus up from work makes me an environmental terrorist of the worst kind and deserving to be financially punished, whereas all those business executives and government ministers with as many cars on the driveway as there are people in the family and who spend more time in the fucking air than i do on the road, are really lentil sucking hippies and tree huggers of the first order. under the circumstances, it would be churlish of me to point out that i would quite happily run my car on non-polluting bio-diesel or on a more environmentally friendly mixture of vegetable oil and diesel, were it not for the fact that i&#... More About: Environment , Mental , Environmental , Men , Tall
let?s paint the town? er?
2007-03-27 00:00:00 phew! - had to be careful i didnae infringe any copyrights there! like most households in the UK i wasnae surprised to receive this leaflet earlier in the week, wherein royal mail dress up their latest price increases as some kind of “modernisation” of the mail handling system. what i did find somewhat more startling tho’ was when i saw that, according to the small print on the back of the leaflet, the royal mail have apparently registered “the colour red” as a trademark. the sneaky bastards! - i mean you could maybe see a case for them trademarking the colour “pillarbox red” [even tho’ that would mean i’d have to start buying a different colour hair dye!] - but taking out a copyright on what amounts to about a third of the entire colour spectrum is downright greedy, if you ask me! More About: Pain , Town , Paint , The Town
your mother should know
0000-00-00 00:00:00 OK - here’s an interesting theory for you based - needless to say - on purely fictitious set of circumstances and [libel lawyers please note] not on anything currently in the news: imagine a couple on a foreign holiday with their small children. the parents, being a pair of fuckwitts, decide to go out for a meal one night, leaving their three year old daughter and even younger son alone in their holiday apartment. when the parents return home that night they discover, to their horror, that the wee girl has had some kind of accident - perhaps fallen down the stairs or knocked some heavy object over on top of herself - and she is dead! the parents now have two choices: * they can either call the authorities, ‘fess up to their negligence and take whatever punishment is due to them for leaving two infants alone in an apartment in a foreign country, while they went out enjoying themselves. or… * they can dispose of the body and then call the authorities claiming that... More About: Mother
from the news of the screws…
0000-00-00 00:00:00 sunday 02 march 2008… it’s OK - i dinnae think anyone whose tongue isnae permanently coated in royal shite thought you were, diddums! More About: News , The News
dedicated fuckwitts of fashion
0000-00-00 00:00:00 my contempt for that large percentage of the female population who would go out wearing a sack of dogshit tied round their waist if some skull-faced bitch in cosmopolitan told them to - and would then ponce round looking down their snotty noses at anyone ‘uncool’ enough not to be similarly attired - knows almost no bounds. every year there’s some new ‘must have’ look which legions of vacuum-headed girls dutifully adopt because they’ve been told they have to. such fundamental questions as ‘does this actually look nice?’ or ‘does this look actually suit me?’ are swept aside in the headlong rush towards trendy conformity. remember that ten minutes when bobs were de rigeur and up and down the land ten million fat round-faced girls hacked off their hair to comply and ended up with their heads looking like a beachball with half a coconut balanced on top? then there was the tiny glasses mandate; ‘you know that pair o... More About: Fashion , Dedicated
mastermind sketch
0000-00-00 00:00:00 MASTERMIND SKETCH interior. the familiar black chair, spotlit from above. a sweet-looking [if slightly bewildered] old biddy is sitting in the chair clutching her handbag defensively in front of her chest and smiling innocently at the quizmaster. the mastermind theme tune could be fading out in the background. QUIZMASTER your name please BIDDY edith bramble QUIZMASTER and your spe…. EDITH [interrupting him] iâm ninety-seven, you know! QUIZMASTER very good. and your specialist subject is? EDITH arenât those new five pence pieces fiddly? QUIZMASTER [looking at his notes in confusion] five pence pieces…? [pause] but i understood you were answering questions on… EDITH [interrupting] âgangstaâ rap - 1990 to the presentâ QUIZMASTER edith bramble - you have two minutes on the subject of âgangstaâ rap - 1990 to the presentâ starting from now.. EDITH [interrupting] youâll have to speak up dear. iâm a bit deaf. iâm sixty-nine, you know! [pa... More About: Sketch
butcher’s shop sketch
0000-00-00 00:00:00 BUTCHERâS SHOP SKETCH interior. a butcherâs shop. the butcher is standing behind the counter, smiling inanely, as a customer enters the shop and approaches him. in fact, throughout the scene both butcher and customer should maintain an almost manically cheerful and enthusiastic disposition. CUSTOMER good morning madam. i would like to purchase a fitted kitchen, please. BUTCHER an attitude that does you credit, sir! unfortunately this is a butcherâs shop. CUSTOMER [as if unfamiliar with the term] a âbutcherâs shopâ eh? well, that would seem to put a dampener on my expectations. BUTCHER [extending his hand for the customer to shake] âjohn quivesâ, sir. master butcher and purveyor of quality cuts of meat and reconstituted meat products. CUSTOMER bravo! - now this is exactly the kind of informative customer service i was after! you can keep your B&Qs and your IKEAs. for me itâs the small, independent, local retailer every time! BUTCHER [beaming w... More About: Shop , Sketch
tennis commentator sketch
0000-00-00 00:00:00 THE WIMBLEDON COMMENTATOR the commentator is of the âold schoolâ - an old fuddy-duddy type with a public school accent. think âdan maskellâ. COMMENTATOR: and so as jock mc tavish prepares to serve in this deciding game, the hopes of british tennis rest squarely on his young shoulders… he bounces the ball… once… twice… he serves… [pause âthwackâ noise - roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [shouts - excited] ACE! itâs an ace! a fantastic start for the young briton. his opponent barely moved as that absolute beauty whistled past his ears…. mc tavish adjusts his racquet… prepares to serve again… mops a bead of sweat from his brow… serves… [pause âthwackâ noise - more roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [shouts - excited] ACE! itâs another ace. this is absolutely unbelievable! two services - two aces! are we finally going to see a british menâs finalist here at wimbledon - the home of engl... More About: Tennis , Sketch
sex therapists TV show sketch
0000-00-00 00:00:00 THE SEX THERAPISTS TV SHOW interior. a TV studio. our viewpoint should be as if we are watching the show on television. a middle-aged couple stand behind a desk or podium. behind them on the wall [or emblazoned across the front of the desk/podium] is the showâs title; âTHE LOVE DOCTORSâ the couple are stereotypically american; fake orange tans, huge fluorescent white teeth and too much jewllery. the man is fat and the woman has that anorexic look with a scrawny leathery neck like a tortoise [âmutton dressed as lambâ, in other words]. MAN hi there! - iâm grover zee humstein [pause] and this little hottie [gestures at the woman, who simpers] is my lovely wife emmylou. EMMYLOU [waving and grinning] hi yâall! [audience applause - which both bask in for a few seconds] GROVER weâd like to welcome yâall. weâve got a great show lined up for you folks this week where, as usual weâll be showinâ the studio audience and all you good people at home that… ... More About: Show , Sketch
bog trotting
0000-00-00 00:00:00 apropos of nothing - save the fact i’ll be stayin’ over at a mates house in a few days - a question which has long puzzled me: “why do the english never have locks on their toilet doors?” i’m just going though a mental list of friends, acquaintances, in-laws and other ‘persons known to me’ - as the police would have it - in whose houses, over the years, i’ve spent the night. and consequently, in whose houses i’ve availed of the bathroom facilities in the morning and i’d say that in almost every case i was confounded by the lack of a lock on the bog door. i used to think this was what germaine-fucking-greer would call a ‘gender issue’. due to my incredible good looks and sex-appeal and the fact i’m hung like a chipolatta, most of the ‘other people’s gaffs’ i stayed in when i first came to england belonged to girls of the female variety. i just assumed that they didnae bother with...
the tao of tattoos
0000-00-00 00:00:00 back in the good old days, it was mostly life’s misfits; the rockers, the bikers, the punks and old teddy boys and ex-servicemen who sported a proliferation of tattoos. nowadays however, it seems you’d be making more of a statement and cocking more of a snook at the world if you chose not to ‘get ink done’. so in that bitter and twisted mood that comes upon me when i see normal society encroaching on what used to be weirdo territory, i present my ‘tao of tattoos’. may it serve as a useful guide for all our childrens’ children!… tribal tattoos - let’s get one thing straight right from the start, shall we; tribal tattoos are not in the least bit alternative or risquĂ© or dangerous. i have seen people who look like fucking accountants sporting tribal tattoos! now, this is a shame for all those people who are deeply interested in ancient mythology and history and for whom a well-designed and well-executed historically ac... More About: Tattoos
blue peter?
0000-00-00 00:00:00 amongst the usual wheelbarrow loads of spam i’ve been getting in my intray over the past week or three, there’s been several dozen with a subject line consisting of some variation on the theme “my boyfriends’ <insert slang name for willy> is so big… yadda… yadda…”. i don’t actually know what the rest of the line is, as it gets cut off by the edge of my email app window and - needless to say - i just delete spam without looking at it, but one thing i did find mildly amusing: where the <slang name for willy> appears in the subject line, i’ve seen all the usual suspects used; ‘penis’, ‘cock’, ‘wang’, ‘pecker’, and so on. however i’ve also noticed quite a few emails proclaiming “my boyfriend’s peter is so big….” etc. PETER???!!! - who in the name of anal fuck calls their willy [or their boyfriend’s willy for that matter] a... More About: Blue , Peter
we’ve got a domain name…
More articles from this author:0000-00-00 00:00:00 … and we know how to use it! after nearly four years of fearless journalistic outpourings and with my loyal readership only just still able to be counted on the fingers of jeremy beadle’s spaccy hand - i thought it high time that ‘bilge - sook my stupid brain!’ emerged from under the haddock-smelling, piss-stained underskirts of the madra.net site and stood on its own two bandy legs. so here we have it. from this moment onwards this magnificent site is now accessible at the resolutely unpopular domain bilgebrain.net another one to avoid adding to your bookmarks! More About: Domain , Domain Name 1, 2 |
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