bilge - sook my stupid brain!bilge - sook my stupid brain!the increasingly incontinent rantings of a drunken has-been irish punk, railing ineffectually against the world.
Articles:
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Articles
?political correctness? - meet ?barrel-scraping?
2008-03-21 13:48:00 it takes a special kind of fuckwitt to come up with a programme idea which combines elements of unoriginality, political-correctness and americanisation in such a haddock-stinking way that i truly thought this was an early april fool’s joke, when i stumbled upon it on the BBC’s website. for what you are looking at here, dear reader, is none other than enid blyton’s famous five, given a 21st century makeover, for a new cartoon series on the disney channel. yep. gone are the baggy shorts and public schoolboy haircuts. the new ‘kewl’ famous five sport t-shirts, jeans & trainers and tote ipods, laptops and mobile phones. and of course one of them is now ‘ethnic’. this bunch of groovers are apparently the offspring of the original famous five. gang leader ‘jo’ [short for ‘jyoti’ obviously!] is the ‘asian babe’ fruit of the loins of ‘aunt george’ and some indian bloke she met while trekki... More About: Political , Meet , Political Correctness , Barrel
question marks
2008-03-21 13:02:00 laying into the advertising industry is a bit like kicking a dead man with two sets of knackers - not much of a challenge and plenty to aim for. but, what the hell. it’s the easter holidays and i’m entitled to take things easy. so today, children let’s contemplate one of the three or four ideas which are currently afoot and endlessly re-hashed in advert-land, the ‘question as slogan’: you know the ones i mean? those adverts were the strapline at the end asks you a question; ‘how do you eat yours?’, ‘what’s in your wallet?’, ‘what’s yours called?’, ‘where do you go in yours?’…. blah blah blah… and so on in an unending tedious tide of unoriginality. whenever i see one of these ‘questioning’ slogans, i cannae help but picture in my mind, the ‘creative team [irony intended] meeting’, where the fuck-headed gang of dross-peddlars first come up with this sad, ... More About: Question , Marks
we?ve got a domain name?
2008-03-13 23:13:00 … and we know how to use it! after nearly four years of fearless journalistic outpourings and with my loyal readership only just still able to be counted on the fingers of jeremy beadle’s spaccy hand - i thought it high time that ‘bilge - sook my stupid brain!’ emerged from under the haddock-smelling, piss-stained underskirts of the madra.net site and stood on its own two bandy legs. so here we have it. from this moment onwards this magnificent site is now accessible at the resolutely unpopular domain bilgebrain.net another one to avoid adding to your bookmarks! More About: Domain , Domain Name
from the news of the screws?
2008-03-03 19:13:00 sunday 02 march 2008… it’s OK - i dinnae think anyone whose tongue isnae permanently coated in royal shite thought you were, diddums! More About: News , The News
dedicated fuckwitts of fashion
2007-10-22 10:27:00 my contempt for that large percentage of the female population who would go out wearing a sack of dogshit tied round their waist if some skull-faced bitch in cosmopolitan told them to - and would then ponce round looking down their snotty noses at anyone ‘uncool’ enough not to be similarly attired - knows almost no bounds. every year there’s some new ‘must have’ look which legions of vacuum-headed girls dutifully adopt because they’ve been told they have to. such fundamental questions as ‘does this actually look nice?’ or ‘does this look actually suit me?’ are swept aside in the headlong rush towards trendy conformity. remember that ten minutes when bobs were de rigeur and up and down the land ten million fat round-faced girls hacked off their hair to comply and ended up with their heads looking like a beachball with half a coconut balanced on top? then there was the tiny glasses mandate; ‘you know that pair of sp... More About: Fashion , Dedicated
dedicated fuckwitts of fashion
2007-10-22 00:00:00 my contempt for that large percentage of the female population who would go out wearing a sack of dogshit tied round their waist if some skull-faced bitch in cosmopolitan told them to - and would then ponce round looking down their snotty noses at anyone ‘uncool’ enough not to be similarly attired - knows almost no bounds. every year there’s some new ‘must have’ look which legions of vacuum-headed girls dutifully adopt because they’ve been told they have to. such fundamental questions as ‘does this actually look nice?’ or ‘does this look actually suit me?’ are swept aside in the headlong rush towards trendy conformity. remember that ten minutes when bobs were de rigeur and up and down the land ten million fat round-faced girls hacked off their hair to comply and ended up with their heads looking like a beachball with half a coconut balanced on top? then there was the tiny glasses mandate; ‘you know that pair of sp... More About: Fashion , Dedicated , Fash
mastermind sketch
2007-10-17 00:00:00 MASTERMIND SKETCH interior. the familiar black chair, spotlit from above. a sweet-looking [if slightly bewildered] old biddy is sitting in the chair clutching her handbag defensively in front of her chest and smiling innocently at the quizmaster. the mastermind theme tune could be fading out in the background. QUIZMASTER your name please BIDDY edith bramble QUIZMASTER and your spe…. EDITH [interrupting him] i?m ninety-seven, you know! QUIZMASTER very good. and your specialist subject is? EDITH aren?t those new five pence pieces fiddly? QUIZMASTER [looking at his notes in confusion] five pence pieces…? [pause] but i understood you were answering questions on… EDITH [interrupting] ?gangsta? rap - 1990 to the present? QUIZMASTER edith bramble - you have two minutes on the subject of ?gangsta? rap - 1990 to the present? starting from now.. EDITH [interrupting] you?ll have to speak up dear. i?m a bit deaf. i?m sixty-nine, you know! [pause] you sound a lot louder ... More About: Sketch , Term , Mast , Etch , Aster
butcher?s shop sketch
2007-10-17 00:00:00 BUTCHER?S SHOP SKETCH interior. a butcher?s shop. the butcher is standing behind the counter, smiling inanely, as a customer enters the shop and approaches him. in fact, throughout the scene both butcher and customer should maintain an almost manically cheerful and enthusiastic disposition. CUSTOMER good morning madam. i would like to purchase a fitted kitchen, please. BUTCHER an attitude that does you credit, sir! unfortunately this is a butcher?s shop. CUSTOMER [as if unfamiliar with the term] a ?butcher?s shop? eh? well, that would seem to put a dampener on my expectations. BUTCHER [extending his hand for the customer to shake] ?john quives?, sir. master butcher and purveyor of quality cuts of meat and reconstituted meat products. CUSTOMER bravo! - now this is exactly the kind of informative customer service i was after! you can keep your B&Qs and your IKEAs. for me it?s the small, independent, local retailer every time! BUTCHER [beaming with pride] it?s kind and g... More About: Shop , Sketch , Etch
tennis commentator sketch
2007-10-17 00:00:00 THE WIMBLEDON COMMENTATOR the commentator is of the ?old school? - an old fuddy-duddy type with a public school accent. think ?dan maskell?. COMMENTATOR: and so as jock mc tavish prepares to serve in this deciding game, the hopes of british tennis rest squarely on his young shoulders… he bounces the ball… once… twice… he serves… [pause ?thwack? noise - roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [shouts - excited] ACE! it?s an ace! a fantastic start for the young briton. his opponent barely moved as that absolute beauty whistled past his ears…. mc tavish adjusts his racquet… prepares to serve again… mops a bead of sweat from his brow… serves… [pause ?thwack? noise - more roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [shouts - excited] ACE! it?s another ace. this is absolutely unbelievable! two services - two aces! are we finally going to see a british men?s finalist here at wimbledon - the home of english tennis? now come on john -... More About: Tennis , Sketch , Etch
sex therapists TV show sketch
2007-10-17 00:00:00 THE SEX THERAPISTS TV SHOW interior. a TV studio. our viewpoint should be as if we are watching the show on television. a middle-aged couple stand behind a desk or podium. behind them on the wall [or emblazoned across the front of the desk/podium] is the show?s title; ?THE LOVE DOCTORS? the couple are stereotypically american; fake orange tans, huge fluorescent white teeth and too much jewllery. the man is fat and the woman has that anorexic look with a scrawny leathery neck like a tortoise [?mutton dressed as lamb?, in other words]. MAN hi there! - i?m grover zee humstein [pause] and this little hottie [gestures at the woman, who simpers] is my lovely wife emmylou. EMMYLOU [waving and grinning] hi y?all! [audience applause - which both bask in for a few seconds] GROVER we?d like to welcome y?all. we?ve got a great show lined up for you folks this week where, as usual we?ll be showin? the studio audience and all you good people at home that… [cups a hand to his ear expec... More About: Show , Sketch , Etch , Thera
mastermind sketch
2007-10-16 13:22:00 MASTERMIND SKETCH interior. the familiar black chair, spotlit from above. a sweet-looking [if slightly bewildered] old biddy is sitting in the chair clutching her handbag defensively in front of her chest and smiling innocently at the quizmaster. the mastermind theme tune could be fading out in the background. QUIZMASTER your name please BIDDY edith bramble QUIZMASTER and your spe…. EDITH [interrupting him] i?m ninety-seven, you know! QUIZMASTER very good. and your specialist subject is? EDITH aren?t those new five pence pieces fiddly? QUIZMASTER [looking at his notes in confusion] five pence pieces…? [pause] but i understood you were answering questions on… EDITH [interrupting] ?gangsta? rap - 1990 to the present? QUIZMASTER edith bramble - you have two minutes on the subject of ?gangsta? rap - 1990 to the present? starting from now.. EDITH [interrupting] you?ll have to speak up dear. i?m a bit deaf. i?m sixty-nine, you know! [pause] you sound a lot louder ... More About: Sketch
butcher?s shop sketch
2007-10-16 13:19:00 BUTCHER?S SHOP SKETCH interior. a butcher?s shop. the butcher is standing behind the counter, smiling inanely, as a customer enters the shop and approaches him. in fact, throughout the scene both butcher and customer should maintain an almost manically cheerful and enthusiastic disposition. CUSTOMER good morning madam. i would like to purchase a fitted kitchen, please. BUTCHER an attitude that does you credit, sir! unfortunately this is a butcher?s shop. CUSTOMER [as if unfamiliar with the term] a ?butcher?s shop? eh? well, that would seem to put a dampener on my expectations. BUTCHER [extending his hand for the customer to shake] ?john quives?, sir. master butcher and purveyor of quality cuts of meat and reconstituted meat products. CUSTOMER bravo! - now this is exactly the kind of informative customer service i was after! you can keep your B&Qs and your IKEAs. for me it?s the small, independent, local retailer every time! BUTCHER [beaming with pride] it?s kind and g... More About: Shop , Sketch
tennis commentator sketch
2007-10-16 13:14:00 THE WIMBLEDON COMMENTATOR the commentator is of the ?old school? - an old fuddy-duddy type with a public school accent. think ?dan maskell?. COMMENTATOR: and so as jock mc tavish prepares to serve in this deciding game, the hopes of british tennis rest squarely on his young shoulders… he bounces the ball… once… twice… he serves… [pause ?thwack? noise - roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [shouts - excited] ACE! it?s an ace! a fantastic start for the young briton. his opponent barely moved as that absolute beauty whistled past his ears…. mc tavish adjusts his racquet… prepares to serve again… mops a bead of sweat from his brow… serves… [pause ?thwack? noise - more roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [shouts - excited] ACE! it?s another ace. this is absolutely unbelievable! two services - two aces! are we finally going to see a british men?s finalist here at wimbledon - the home of english tennis? now come on john -... More About: Tennis , Sketch
sex therapists TV show sketch
2007-10-16 13:08:00 THE SEX THERAPISTS TV SHOW interior. a TV studio. our viewpoint should be as if we are watching the show on television. a middle-aged couple stand behind a desk or podium. behind them on the wall [or emblazoned across the front of the desk/podium] is the show?s title; ?THE LOVE DOCTORS? the couple are stereotypically american; fake orange tans, huge fluorescent white teeth and too much jewllery. the man is fat and the woman has that anorexic look with a scrawny leathery neck like a tortoise [?mutton dressed as lamb?, in other words]. MAN hi there! - i?m grover zee humstein [pause] and this little hottie [gestures at the woman, who simpers] is my lovely wife emmylou. EMMYLOU [waving and grinning] hi y?all! [audience applause - which both bask in for a few seconds] GROVER we?d like to welcome y?all. we?ve got a great show lined up for you folks this week where, as usual we?ll be showin? the studio audience and all you good people at home that… [cups a hand to his ear expec... More About: Show , Sketch
bog trotting
2007-09-08 00:00:00 apropos of nothing - save the fact i’ll be stayin’ over at a mates house in a few days - a question which has long puzzled me: “why do the english never have locks on their toilet doors?” i’m just going though a mental list of friends, acquaintances, in-laws and other ‘persons known to me’ - as the police would have it - in whose houses, over the years, i’ve spent the night. and consequently, in whose houses i’ve availed of the bathroom facilities in the morning and i’d say that in almost every case i was confounded by the lack of a lock on the bog door. i used to think this was what germaine-fucking-greer would call a ‘gender issue’. due to my incredible good looks and sex-appeal and the fact i’m hung like a chipolatta, most of the ‘other people’s gaffs’ i stayed in when i first came to england belonged to girls of the female variety. i just assumed that they didnae bother with bath...
bog trotting
2007-09-02 13:18:00 apropos of nothing - save the fact i’ll be stayin’ over at a mates house in a few days - a question which has long puzzled me: “why do the english never have locks on their toilet doors?” i’m just going though a mental list of friends, acquaintances, in-laws and other ‘persons known to me’ - as the police would have it - in whose houses, over the years, i’ve spent the night. and consequently, in whose houses i’ve availed of the bathroom facilities in the morning and i’d say that in almost every case i was confounded by the lack of a lock on the bog door. i used to think this was what germaine-fucking-greer would call a ‘gender issue’. due to my incredible good looks and sex-appeal and the fact i’m hung like a chipolatta, most of the ‘other people’s gaffs’ i stayed in when i first came to england belonged to girls of the female variety. i just assumed that they didnae bother with bath...
the tao of tattoos
2007-09-02 00:00:00 back in the good old days, it was mostly life’s misfits; the rockers, the bikers, the punks and old teddy boys and ex-servicemen who sported a proliferation of tattoos. nowadays however, it seems you’d be making more of a statement and cocking more of a snook at the world if you chose not to ‘get ink done’. so in that bitter and twisted mood that comes upon me when i see normal society encroaching on what used to be weirdo territory, i present my ‘tao of tattoos’. may it serve as a useful guide for all our childrens’ children!… tribal tattoos - let’s get one thing straight right from the start, shall we; tribal tattoos are not in the least bit alternative or risqué or dangerous. i have seen people who look like fucking accountants sporting tribal tattoos! now, this is a shame for all those people who are deeply interested in ancient mythology and history and for whom a well-designed and well-executed historically accurate ... More About: Tattoos
blue peter?
2007-09-01 00:00:00 amongst the usual wheelbarrow loads of spam i’ve been getting in my intray over the past week or three, there’s been several dozen with a subject line consisting of some variation on the theme “my boyfriends’ <insert slang name for willy> is so big… yadda… yadda…”. i don’t actually know what the rest of the line is, as it gets cut off by the edge of my email app window and - needless to say - i just delete spam without looking at it, but one thing i did find mildly amusing: where the <slang name for willy> appears in the subject line, i’ve seen all the usual suspects used; ‘penis’, ‘cock’, ‘wang’, ‘pecker’, and so on. however i’ve also noticed quite a few emails proclaiming “my boyfriend’s peter is so big….” etc. PETER???!!! - who in the name of anal fuck calls their willy [or their boyfriend’s willy for that matter] a fuck... More About: Blue , Peter
your mother should know
2007-08-29 00:00:00 OK - here’s an interesting theory for you based - needless to say - on purely fictitious set of circumstances and [libel lawyers please note] not on anything currently in the news: imagine a couple on a foreign holiday with their small children. the parents, being a pair of fuckwitts, decide to go out for a meal one night, leaving their three year old daughter and even younger son alone in their holiday apartment. when the parents return home that night they discover, to their horror, that the wee girl has had some kind of accident - perhaps fallen down the stairs or knocked some heavy object over on top of herself - and she is dead! the parents now have two choices: * they can either call the authorities, ‘fess up to their negligence and take whatever punishment is due to them for leaving two infants alone in an apartment in a foreign country, while they went out enjoying themselves. or… * they can dispose of the body and then call the authorities claiming that ... More About: Mother
sounds like a load of wank to me!
2007-08-03 00:00:00 today’s award for the “most unfortunate combination of function logo and acronym goes to the “thailand open-source software festival“ - or ‘TOSSFEST’ as it is more casually known. just look at that open source goodness, spurting forth from the mighty jap’s eye of software innovation! More About: Sounds , Load
the one that didnae get away
2007-08-03 00:00:00 you know them big cylinders of meat you see in your local kebab shop - sweating profusely as they slowly turn on their spit? i bet like me, you thought they were elephant’s legs. we’ll, it turns out we were mistaken. as this package label i found in my local asda reveals, the kebab is in fact a magnificent sea creature. now where can i catch me one? More About: The O
the planet needs no saving
2007-07-09 00:00:00 i really wish people would stop wanking on about “saving the planet”. you can barely turn on the telly or radio, or read an advert these days without stumbling across some multinational earth-raping company trying to convince you they’re all a bunch of lentil sucking hippies, or having to listen to some tedious ‘popstar’ banging on about the environment, before dumping a few more tons of carbon into the air as they jet off to their next global photo opportunity. dinnae get me wrong, i’m all in favour of looking after the environment and trying to be a bit more green, but the way the whole thing has been hijacked by the usual profit and publicity seeking tossers and wankers - who cannae see a bandwaggon but they’re strapping their jumping boots on - gets on my tits. but that’s not what’s started to irritate me the most. after all, we know that zzz-elebrities are addicted to publicity and megacorporations to money like they were ... More About: Planet , Plan , Saving , Ving , Anet
no claims penalty
2007-06-10 00:00:00 i had to renew the car insurance the other day and, in spite of not having made any claims [for the ninth year in a row] i noticed my insurers had put the premium up by £17 on last year’s. my previous insurers used to do this as well: every year they’d send me a renewal quote which was higher than the previous year’s - in spite of my having made no claims. and every year i used to ring them to complain and whatever norbert in a suit i spoke to would “have a ring around and see what i can do” and then ring me back about ten minutes later, having miraculously been able to find me a lower quote, even tho’ they were in the best traditions of del and rodney “…cutting me own froat…” or “…passing up our own commission, because you’re one of our best customers…” as they put it. anyway, i got sick of having to go through this fucking shit every year, so last year i thought i’d give that confuse... More About: Claims , Penalty , Pena
find the child - lose the parents!
2007-05-30 00:00:00 i hope to god they find that madeleine mccann, who’s gone missing in portugal, pretty damn soon. not only for her own sake but because i’m getting sick and tired of seeing and hearing about the latest publicity stunt of those two bloody parents of hers, every time i turn on the fucking telly or radio news. jeezus h. christ! - has there ever been a more sordid case of revelling in your own tragedy and milking it for all the publicity you can get since that bloke whose son got killed in the warrington bombing had his self-publicising bubble heartlessly burst by the outbreak of peace in the north of ireland! it’s a pity the mccanns’ lives weren’t so centred around the well-being of their daughter the night they fucked off out and left a four year old kid and its two younger siblings alone in an apartment in a foreign country, while they stuffed their faces at a nearby restaurant. hopefully ‘maddy’ [as the tabloids have so cleverly re-christ... More About: Find , Parents , Child , Rent , Parent
spam wars - another small victory
2007-03-31 00:00:00 the other day in a moment of idleness i decided to try and find out why the hell i was still getting bucketloads of comment spam, in spite of having a CAPTCHA on the comment submissions page [none of the shite ever reaches these pristine pages - owing to all comments having to be manually approved first, but it’s still a pain in the arse to have to delete a couple o’ hundred “attempts” every couple o’ days]. anyway, to cut a long story short i found out that what i’d been thinking of as comment spam is actually trackback spam. because a trackback disnae need any kind of verification, pretty much anyone can send a trackback to your site, without having to jump through whatever hoops you’ve set up to stop the traditional comment spammer. and because a trackback appears in your moderation queue just like a common or garden comment, it’s easy to assume as [i did!] that these trackback spams are in fact comments and think that the spammer... More About: Victory , Spam , Wars , Other , War
welcome to my world!
2007-03-27 00:00:00 it was interesting to read a couple of recent stories; one about two men being escorted from an aeroplane after other passengers overheard them speaking in arabic and another similar story about a family queueing for a ride on the london eye being taken aside and put through extra security checks, again for being overheard speaking in arabic. anyone of a remotely “alternative” appearance, who’s had to deal with customs and security officials over the years preceding the current climate of islamophobia must be silently sniggering to themselves these days and thinking “welcome to my world!” it disnae make the whole experience any the less teeth-grindingly irritating but at least the fact that crassness, stupidity and ignorance seem to be the pre-requisites for a job in airport or border security, seems finally to be becoming public knowledge. for did you not know that back in the 1980s and 1990s - long before al quaeda’s highly trained killers wer... More About: World , Welcome , Come
revenge of the clipart people!
2007-03-27 00:00:00 jeesuz h. motherfuck! - i’ve railed long and hard in the past about the mindfuckingly irritating habit megacorporations have of sticking some vacant clipart bimbo on their marketing material [usually bundled in an envelope with a letter telling you they’re going to sue the pants off you for the handful of sheckels you owe them], but never in the history of politically correct clipart-sucking loonery have i been greeted with as monstrous a sight as this hugely grinning apparition, which greeted me when i attempted to access my account details on virgin mobile’s site this morning. is the sight of this face, which seems to consist of about 90% mouth and teeth and appears to have been photographed, caught in the headlamps of an approaching juggernaut meant to arouse me?… meant to make me feel relaxed and happy at the thought of giving oul richard branston pickle some more of my money?… coz it doesn’t. all it does is cause me to make typing errors... More About: People , Clip , Clipart , Part , Revenge
nothing much happened today
2007-03-27 00:00:00 noticing the large gap between my previous post and the one before that, i suddenly remembered the diaries i used to regularly receive from santa as a kid. they were as much a fixture of the christmas present list as those other stalwarts, the dandy annual and the cadburys selection pack shaped like a big sock made of net. every christmas i’d get one of those diaries and determine to write in it every day. of course, it was easy at the start; the first few days following christmas could be filled with exciting reports on the usage and abusage of the various pressies received from santa and the rellies. but then after a few weeks i’d inevitably run out of steam. on a good year i fancy i’d maybe make it as far as the end of january or maybe partway into february, before the inevitable “nothing much happened today” entries started to appear with increasing frequency before, eventually, even they petered out and another diary was abandoned for anoth... More About: Today , Nothing , Much , Thing , Pene
playing with the wrapping paper
2007-03-27 00:00:00 the past few years have seen a veritable explosion in televisual technology; the clunky VHS tape has given way to DVD and the old cathode ray tube is on its way out, making way for wardrobe sized flat panel displays and HDTV. and yet, with all these great leaps forward in the delivery and storage of our media, what in the way of actual content are these devices being used to display? the television schedules consist almost entirely of programmes - based around z-lebrities or vacant members of the public who would eat their own vomit, with a spoon, to get themselves on telly - programmes so moronic they are an insult. what use are forty plus channels, when none of them broadcast anything worth watchable? most DVD releases seem to be boxed sets of the same crap that’s on TV continually anyway. why on earth would anyone want a box set of something like friends for god’s sake?! with a bit of judicious channel hopping, anyone with satellite or a digital box can wa... More About: Play , With , Paper , Ping , Wrap
what?s in a name?
More articles from this author:2007-03-27 00:00:00 i must say that, so far, i’ve been disappointed in the efforts of the tabloid press to come up with a nickname for the serial killer, currently doing his bit to ‘clean up’ the red light districts of ipswich. on the radio this morning, the review of the morning papers informed me that the sun had started referring to the perpetrator as “the sussex ripper”. now, not only is this disappointingly unoriginal. it’s also highly inaccurate. post mortems on the first three victims revealed no conclusive evidence as to cause of death and the fourth had apparently been strangled, so how can the hacks justify the use of the “ripper” handle? funnily enough, only a day or two ago, me and mazza had been discussing the fact that [until then] the press hadnae come up with a nickname for this latest contestant for “criminal X-factor” and we batted back and forth a few suggestions of our own; “the fenland fanatic“, “... More About: What , Hat , Name 1, 2 |
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