My Patience is Wearing Thin

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Look at those things.
2007-04-20 18:04:00
London has released robotic falcons to scare away pigeons who are grossly overweight due to eating human fast food and the like.Those fuckers are nearly the size of buildings now!No but seriously, what a great picture.
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That's not funny, John.
2007-04-19 19:31:00
I just read an article that John McCain was joking with the bright folks of South Carolina about bombing Iran....No, John, no. You don't sing "Bomb Iran" to the tune of "Barbara Ann". Especially while you're on your presidential campaign tour.Read the full article here.
More About: Funny

I need a vacation.
2007-04-18 17:28:00
There's really nothing I hate more than coming in to work only to have my boss ream me immediately for some mistake I technically didn't make.I do one aspect of the project and then all of a sudden it's my problem that someone fucked up their part. I mean, God forbid I assume everyone else is doing their job correctly. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, and if you think I am, well, I think I deserve a significant raise if I'm going to be catching the flak for others.What makes you think that the instant I get here I want to hear about my "mistakes"? Have you considered the fact that I just did laundry last night and now my pants are really tight and I can barely breathe, thus putting me in a bad, uncomfortable mood already?
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Africa, you slay me.
2007-04-06 20:34:00
I read an article today about how Zimbabwe has been experiencing a terrible drought that is impacting their crops, thus a food shortage is just around the corner.Why didn't they take some water from the massive flood that happened in Mozambique a couple months ago? Everybody could have won.Come on, Africa . Give and take.Give. And. Take.

Just a big ol' fat kid.
2007-03-29 02:00:00
I have this friend who owns a motorcycle. Everytime we go anywhere together he insists we take this motorcycle, regardless of how much I plead that we take the bus.Now, I've always had a little bit of trouble getting on the back as I've got little legs, but lately I've been noticing it's becoming increasingly difficult to get my ass up there and I couldn't figure out why.After sneaking away from my office to have a late-afternoon B.L.T fifteen minutes before I have to go home, it occurred to me, as I stuffed a sandwich into my face, that I'm having difficulty getting on the motorcycle because I'm getting fatter.Of course, I continued to eat because that B.L.T. was so fucking good (seriously, I think they microwave the bacon or something, and I don't even think it's real bacon). I stuffed away, all the while having images of us on the motorcycle, cruising down Market Street at a whopping 10 miles per hour as cars whizzed past, honked, gave us the finger, etc. He'd be lea...

Everywhere I look I see pussies.
2007-03-28 16:59:00
I can't get over the fact that there are some grown-ass men and women out there who are still terrified of the escalator. It was completely appropriate when you were five because those things were bigger and moved faster than you did.In a mildly bustling city where people aren't as sedentary as some of the fatties in the midwest, there are two sides to the escalator. Think of them as a fast lane and a slow lane, if you will. The left side is for those of us that have somewhere to be and/or would much rather walk up the escalator. The right side is for those that are too fat, old, irritated, or tired to walk up (all fairly good reasons).Every morning I, along with 1,583 other people, approach the escalator and end up getting caught behind some douchebag that's standing there watching the steps come out of the floor just waiting for the most opportune time to jump on.If you don't run into them while you're getting on at the bottom of the escalator, they're sure as hell up at...
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Who the hell do you think you people are?
2007-03-28 01:13:00
How is someone going to post an ad on craigslist for an apartment for rent and provide fifty pictures of just the outside of the building and all of the different crappy fast food restaurants you can get fat at while living there?"Oh man! PANDA EXPRESS! I'm sold!"And don't even get me started on the closet-sized piece of shit "in-law studio" out in the foggy Sunset District being offered for $750 a month.
More About: People , Hell

Give me a break.
2007-03-27 16:59:00
It's funny (and by funny, I mean painfully obnoxious) how many unhumorous people I encounter on the Internet. When I bring this up to said dull people they claim that I'm just not funny. Which is utterly ridiculous.They're just boring and easily offended.Yeah, okay, I know that everyone is "different" and has "different" ideas of what they find amusing, but Jesus Christ, lighten the fuck up.I find it so frustrating when, rather than just move on past my piece because they didn't find it funny, they leave some kind of lame response as though I was being as serious as cancer about whatever it was I was writing about.I understand that most humor doesn't translate well over the Internet or in writing and also that if you don't know me then you just wouldn't understand.I guess all I'm trying to say is I miss my myspace blog and my friends who understood my humor.Fuck you, Internet bitches.
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Holy pap smear!
2007-03-06 23:04:00
Those things suck.. like really suck.I haven't decided which is worse: the speculum or the gynecologist trying to make small talk while checking my breasts for lumps and peering into my vagina.Let's weigh them.The Speculum (pictured above): Wow. I had never really seen one of those until I googled it. Just looking at it makes my vaginal canal ache with fear and post-traumatic stress. The worse thing about this was not the pain but the cranking noise it makes when it's locked into the best position for staring into one's gaping vagina. It makes me feel as though I'm in some torture chamber because I spoke out against the church during the Renaissance.My Doctor: A very nice woman whom I like and wouldn't mind feeling up my insides. But still.. there's just something mighty awkward about her groping (okay, not really groping) my breasts while staring at the ceiling and telling me stories. I opted to have her tell me everything she was doing so there were no weird silences, ...
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Did you know...
2007-02-22 23:44:00
in Iran, before a couple can receive a marriage license, they have to take a mandatory contraceptions class?Brilliant. Simply brilliant.Now all that's needed is a license to have children.

Oh, Britney.
2007-02-22 23:33:00
So I know everyone won't shut up about Britney , but there's something I need to talk about so as to avoid further emotional scarring:I mean, wow. You'd think as a former pop star she'd have a little residual income to be able to afford a better wig.Crazy does that to people sometimes, I guess.

Holy shit.
2007-02-21 01:00:00
My boss just fired my co-worker today.It made me realize how terrifying the word 'fire' is.It's like the noise your alarm clock makes, and whenever you hear it a feeling of dread overcomes your body.*shudder*Totally ruined my lunch-time beer buzz.. I guess this means I should stop drinking during the workday.
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Happy Presidents' Day.
2007-02-19 17:39:00
For probably the third time since I've been employed here, I've shown up to work on a holiday.You can never really tell which holidays any workplace will honor, so lately I've found myself showing up to work just in case.For any other place of employment, this wouldn't be a problem. One might show up to work to find the doors locked or nobody in the office and put two and two together. However, my boss has no concept of holidays (or time for that matter). He's always here, so now I feel obligated to stay and do any work he's put in my inbox.Thankfully, he's nice about letting me leave around noon, though this time I'm going to push for earlier.. like when I finish this shit.This has really got to stop.
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Ah, it's great to be home!
2007-02-19 02:16:00
The most amazing thing happened to me on my first day back to good ol' San Francisco.Lauren and I were waiting patiently for the F-line, when we spotted a crazy gay* man across the street. This man was feircely strutting down the sidewalk with a limp wrist and everything. Lauren was quick to point out that he was sporting a bag on his head. Being that I had just recently destroyed what was left of my glasses in Mexico, it was difficult for me to make out the man's headwear. I lifted my sunglasses and strained to see the bag and the man caught me staring, or what probably looked more like a check-up.He then changes direction to cross the street and is coming directly at us, not before stopping on the corner to do a queer little pose, though. He's getting closer and closer and it was becoming more easy for me to see the bag on his head, which was a narrow, tubular shape that fit snugly over the crown of his skull and stuck up a good four inches.As he approached me I was sure I ...
More About: Home , Great

Let's do this, bitches!
2007-02-02 00:29:00
I just bought a domain name from Yahoo.Very excited!It's going to be a website dedicated to bringing global awareness to the tragedies occurring everyday in Africa.I hope it's going to be big someday.I'm just proud of myself for taking the first step, instead of sitting around hoping for the thing I wish to want.
More About: Bitches

Worst. Morning. Ever.
2007-02-01 15:02:00
Because I live in a small house with too many people, I find great solace in my alone time. I've developed ways to maximize this alone time by waking up ridiculously early (although having to be quiet because someone is sleeping on my couch totally sucks) and by staying in while everyone in my house goes out (and comes home drunk and tells me about how much fun they had when I really don't give a shit because they just came home during my quiet, peaceful, alone time).Now, when someone disrupts my plans by getting up at the butt-crack of dawn one day, it really pisses me off. They will be trying to make food in the kitchen while I'm trying to do my Zen-like cooking routine. They will be trying to get ready in the bathroom when I need to take a shower, or worse, will be in the shower when I'm ready to brush my teeth and walk out the door, thus making me late for work.It just throws my whole fucking day off."God what a bitch," is what you may be thinking. And you know something...
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BBC's "Climate Challenge" -- Got What it Takes? (TreeHugger)
2007-01-31 16:47:00
Perhaps President Bush should try this bad boy out. It seems simple enough for even him.BBC's "Climate Challenge " -- Got What it Takes? (TreeHugger)
More About: Halle

Oh hells no.
2007-01-30 17:48:00
WASHINGTON - Two private advocacy groups told a congressional hearing Tuesday that climate scientists at seven government agencies say they have been subjected to political pressure aimed at downplaying the threat of global warming.The groups presented a survey that shows two in five of the 279 climate scientists who responded to a questionnaire complained that some of their scientific papers had been edited in a way that changed their meaning. Nearly half of the 279 said in response to another question that at some point they had been told to delete reference to "global warming" or "climate change" from a report.The questionnaire was sent by the Union of Concerned Scientists, a private advocacy group. The report also was based on "firsthand experiences" described in interviews with the Government Accountability Project, which helps government whistleblowers, lawmakers were told.The full article can be seen here.Come on, people. Are you going to let the government dick you around l...

Food for thought.
2007-01-30 14:53:00
A quote presented to me on my Google homepage that almost made me cry out with joy:"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." - EF SchumacherI felt it was appropriate for the current global affairs.Apparently, this man is some world-famous economist from the 60's and 70's. I started reading an excerpt from his book, Small is Beautiful, and I must say: I'm touched.
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Crack. It does a body good.
2007-01-26 16:16:00
So I had completely intended to post this last night, but I got a wild hair up my butt and couldn't fight the desire to sweat. So I exercised instead.. to blaring house music.It was amazing.Onwards!Last night on my way home from work I stopped at Victoria's Secret, and upon seeing my reflection in the mirror, realized I looked like complete shit. My outfit had somehow ended turning into a disaster by the end of the day, so I naturally buttoned up my jacket (which, by the way, did nothing but give me a little peace of mind).After digging around in buckets and buckets of panties, I bought a couple of things and decided to head home. I was magnetically lured into DSW to browse their shoes in preparation for my tax refund.As I walked around, I kept getting odd looks from employees and kept thinking to myself, "Why do they keep looking at me like I'm a crackhead trying to steal something?"I made a mental note of the shoes I liked and reminded myself to tell Shawna the shoes I forbi...
More About: Body , Crack , Good

Rudy Giuliani is such a tool.
2007-01-24 20:15:00
I like how he's kissing the Republicans' asses by supporting the deployment of 22,000 U.S. soldiers in Iraq.I'm sure it has nothing to do with him jumping in the ring for the 2008 Presidential Election.Just the idea of seeing his name in the Primaries forces me to ask the question, "Who the fuck is this mother fucker?"You can't even protect your own state, let alone an entire nation.Get outta here, jerk.
More About: Rudy Giuliani , Tool , Giuliani , Rudy

You know what would be fucking awesome?
2007-01-22 19:22:00
Completely unsexy, quite possibly nauseating, but oh-so awesome?If Hillary Clinton was chosen to run as the Democratic candidate and Condoleeza Rice was to run as the Republican candidate in the 2008 Presidential Election.And instead of us voting as a nation (since our electoral system is so flawed, who really gives a shit?), we forced them to wear bikinis and mud wrestle for the title of President of the United States of America.That sounds more American if you ask me.YES! Let's make it happen.
More About: Awesome , Fucking , Some

Let's hear it for the boy.
2007-01-18 20:23:00
I must take a moment to commend Governor Schwarnzenegger for his budget proposal. An outline can be seen here, which also contains a link for the full budget.Now I'm no financial analyst, but it looks like a step in the right direction to me.He's completely eliminated the operating deficit and attempting to rectify that crap he pulled with the important things like health care, education, and environment.I understand some are not happy with the fact that he's a Republican, but he appears to be putting that label behind him and just looking out for California's best interest. Besides, I think a conservative approach is just what this lazy state needs. Like a swift kick in the butt.He's like that voice in your head that's urging you to go to the clinic and get that sore on your genitals checked out. You know you should, but you're afraid of what the doctor's going to tell you so you put it off and put it off. Finally, it gets so uncomfortable that you have no choice but t...
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Soylent Green, here we come.
2006-07-10 22:27:00
"Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, it seems like everytime I get back on my feet you come around and knock me down." -Ray LaMontagneOn Friday, July 7, 2006, my friend and I were mugged by two punk ass 16 year olds in West Oakland. I am so angry. This incident is causing me to slip back into my old ways in which I had no hope for humanity and I wanted to kill everyone.Why doesn't anybody care about other people anymore? We've gotten so caught up in material shit that we've lost sight of what's really important in life: family, friends, human beings. We're all part of the same species; we should be looking out for one another, not attacking.People have no morals these days, no values. They recognize the difference between right and wrong, but they don't care. What really breaks my heart is that all of this crime is driven by money. People steal things because they don't have enough money. People kill other people for money. People will do anything for money.My friend once tol...
More About: Green , Lent

Filthy, thieving, dirty gypsies.
2006-07-07 22:57:00
I was sitting on the steps at the Embarcadero Plaza today eating a mediocre Chicken Caesar Wrap from Safeway, when I glanced at the people sitting to my left and noticed one of the women guarding her wallet. But it was just lying on the ground with her right hand hovering over it, while her left hand was furiously shoveling a dull-looking taco salad into her mouth. She was talking to her friend around her food as I continued to stare at her wallet, thinking to myself how badly I wanted to steal it.I didn't need it and I most certainly didn't want it, but I was just so overwhelmed with the urge to grab it and jam. It was just too easy. The fact that she was protecting it (half-assed as it was) didn't help my impulses any. I just wanted to gank it and scream, "You suck!" and then run off.This isn't the first time I've been compelled to do this, either. It's always the same scenario, too: some clueless woman or child not really paying attention to their surroundings. It's...
More About: Dirty , Gypsies