The World as it should be The World as it should be The news as it happens, before it happens or perhaps as it should have happened. Articles
Resurgence of older porn stars
2007-12-09 20:18:00 The actors' union, Equity, today revealed surprising figures regarding the growth of what the adult entertainment industry refers to as OAPorn. "As the population gets older we are seeing an increased demand for Adult 'Art Movies' that the increasingly ageing consumer can relate to," explained Fiona Knight, Equity spokeswoman and former YouTube actress. "The genre has seen great demand for actors who make convincing widows and 'Meals On Wheels' deliverymen. Ever popular are elevator fantasies, where the user and their care assistant are trapped in the wheelchair lift." Equity says that as... [Visit website for more] More About: Stars , Porn Stars , Urge
Man lost in canoe without paddle reveals decade long memory loss
2007-12-07 21:18:00 Today the man feared lost and adrift in a boat without a paddle gave a more detailed account to the Police of his mysterious amnesia regarding the events of the past decade. ?The last thing I remember was coming to grief in a turbulent meeting in the Granita restaurant in Islington in 1997, where my course to take the helm of the country became floundered by 'Typhoon Tony'.? said Gordon Brown, the figure at the centre of investigations into financial wrongdoings. ?The next thing I know I am in central London amid a storm of controversy over my party's finances and with the political tide... [Visit website for more] More About: Lost , Memory , Loss , Long , Canoe
Famous figures deny donations as Labour Party appoints new funding Tsar
2007-12-06 23:54:00 The controversy surrounding the transparency of Labour Party fund-raising was ratcheted up another notch when the Prince of Darkness, a noted non-British citizen of ill-repute, denied being the true donor of several millions of pounds given through numerous proxies. "Whilst it is true that I act through others, especially those whose hands are idle," said the supernatural being who is also known as Beelzebub. "I would never wish to have my name linked to an organisation with the reputation of New Labour. After all I have been a life long Conservative supporter." Despite ongoing reforms to... [Visit website for more] More About: Funding , Famous , Labour Party
?Muhammad? Teddy Bear to be flogged
2007-12-05 00:42:00 The teddy bear that was previously named Muhammad by schoolchildren was today sentenced by judges in Khartoum for its part in the controversy that led to the imprisonment of English schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons. ?We take any insults to our religion very seriously, ? said Ali Billing-Laden an Islamic scholar who gave evidence at the bear's hearing. ?Once again the west has insulted the Great Prophet, peace be upon him, and this will no longer be tolerated.? The bear, formerly known as Muhammad, has been sentenced to be flogged on ?eBay Sudan?, with no expectation of a reserve. Postage and... [Visit website for more] More About: Teddy Bear , Teddy , Bear
Iranian and Zimbabwean Presidents refuse to speak at Oxford Union
2007-11-26 14:12:00 The Oxford Union 's recent decision to allow BNP leader, Nick Griffin, and convicted holocaust denier, David Irving, to take part in an upcoming debate has been cited by two of the world’s leading experts in matters of racial and religious oppression as the reason they are refusing to attend the free-speech event. "Frankly if that debate goes ahead with the leader of a tiny party of fairly nasty people and a revisionist historian, then it isn't the debate for me and is a pretty weak showing," said President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "My Holocaust conference had hundreds of deniers at it! Hundreds!... [Visit website for more] More About: Speak , Presidents , Iranian
Search is on for new England Manager
2007-11-23 00:47:00 The Football Association today embarked on a recruitment drive to find a replacement for Steve McClaren, who was sacked after England ?s failure to qualify for Euro 2008. ?We are currently reviewing an exhaustive list of all those that believe they could do a better job,? said Brian Barwick, FA Chief Executive. ?In fact we started just after the final whistle yesterday by interviewing some of the fans leaving Wembley Stadium.? Radio phone-in shows have been inundated with people offering suggestions about who should be the replacement for McClaren. Predictably bookmakers have made Jose... [Visit website for more] More About: Search , Manager , New England , Ager
Loss of 25m records by HM Revenue exposes government plans
2007-11-20 21:41:00 The government today announced a radical new plan to stabilise the troubled mortgage bank Northern Rock and instead spread the load from any panic in the financial system across all high-street banks. "By letting the bank accounts details of half the population of the UK fall into unauthorised hands we hope that this will cause everyone to panic about their savings," said the chancellor Alistair Darling. "This will make queues of panicking savers outside Northern Rock seem normal." The Chancellor was speaking after the announcement that CDs containing a copy of the entire child benefit... [Visit website for more] More About: Government , Plans , Loss , Revenue , Records
ITV apologises for ?I?m a celebrity? mix-up
2007-11-18 14:49:00 In another blow to award winning* broadcaster ITV it has emerged that the entire first week?s filming of the new series of "I?m a Celebrity , get me out of here!" has been lost due to an extremely embarrassing error by producers. "We are so very sorry for the dreadful mix-up, and rest assured that it was a mistake that was easy to make and at no point, this time, were we trying to defraud anyone." explained Chief Executive, Sir Gerald Billingsworth. "The irony is that our efforts to be honest may have caused the problem." The programme?s producers explained that since it is another vehicle... [Visit website for more] More About: Polo , Logi
REVIEW : Bush ?Presidential? Radio
2007-11-15 23:29:00 Said to be the first portable radio capable of receiving AM, FM, DAB, CIA and GOD broadcasts, the ?Presidential ? is a recent entrant into the high-end market from the consumer electronics company Bush . First impressions are of a retro and unsophisticated appearance, harking back to early wireless or even pre-war sensibilities. However this simplicity belies some underlying sophistication. The device contains some of the latest station seeking technology, including a function to quickly locate the most strident of Christian broadcasts and the first commercial use of 'Wavelength Modulation... [Visit website for more] More About: Radio , Review , Resident
At last, what you have all been waiting for!
2007-11-13 21:45:00 In a desperate attempt to keep my inbox at a manageable level and to follow the old adage of ?give them what they want? you can now buy a compilation of the first 6 months worth of stories (101) from the wonderful Surreal Scoop (The World As It Should Be), in a handy portable format that you can easily read off-line - a book! It is what a short bus ride or a trip to the loo was invented for. So get it here : The World As It Should Be ? Volume I It is priced at just 7 (plus P&P)! So, with Christmas coming, and all those tricky problems of what to get someone who has a discerning idea of... [Visit website for more] More About: Waiting , Wait
Repeat offender blames his model parents
2007-11-11 15:36:00 Tony "the Spanner" Billingsworth, a homeless, unemployed man who has a history of alcohol related problems was last week convicted of mugging a pensioner and remanded in custody. It will be his sixth stay at her majesty?s pleasure totalling some twenty-six years, a pattern of offending that Mr Billingsworth blamed on his childhood and the actions of his parents. "My parents were loving, caring people, who worked hard to give their son the best possible start in life." Tony said through his solicitor. "At no time did they ever mistreat me or abuse me in any manner. They made me understand the... [Visit website for more] More About: Model , Offender , Parents , Parent , Fender
Latest iPhone launch sees breakthrough for Apple
2007-11-09 19:31:00 Apple today announced that the launch of their new iPhone had achieved a breakthrough in queuing miniaturisation and produced a hyped event with the world's shortest queues of desperate early-adopters. "Apple has always prided itself on a mantra of usability, usability, usability," said company CEO Steve Jobs. "Today with the UK launch of the iPhone we have seen the iQueue reduce sizes to barely twenty people waiting in line. This is easily the smallest queue for over-hyped technology and easily surpasses the previous smallest of Sony's PS3 launch." At Apple's store in Bluewater in Kent,... [Visit website for more] More About: Apple , Iphone , Launch , Sees
Two years compulsory knife training for 16 year olds
2007-11-08 14:40:00 The government today announced more details of its plans to extend the school leaving age to 18 and the format of proposed curricula. "It is clear that young people today are at risk from knife crime," explained Education minister Ed Balls. "Therefore we plan to instigate two years of compulsory training in knife fighting for every 16 year old." The government also announced a programme to improve school infrastructure on top of the recent expenditure on buildings. "We plan to install airport style metal detectors at all schools to ensure that no child enters the school ill-equipped to deal... [Visit website for more] More About: Training , Years , Knife , Year , Puls
Minogue reveals relationship torment
2007-11-05 21:04:00 The sister of the phenomenally successful Australian pop goddess, Kylie Minogue , has spoken of the difficulties that she has had asserting her own individuality and holding down relationships. "As many people with famous family members know it is difficult to live in the shadow of the constant comparison and the unstated insinuation that any success I have is because of my name," said Dannii, coat-tail riding sister of the wonderful Kylie. "In my case that is not just professionally but in my personal life too." Dannii revealed her thoughts exclusively to readers of both 'Ya! OK?' and... [Visit website for more] More About: Relationship
Bidding war for latest Internet sensation tops $1Trillion
2007-11-03 16:38:00 A new website is taking the Internet by storm in a craze the like of which has not been seen for at least three months. Productivity in offices around the world is being severely reduced due to the phenomena known as ?Pocket Watching?. "It really is a great site, with a great community of dedicated users," said technology watcher Mr Bloggy. "It has surpassed YouTube and MySpace. Pocket Watching is now the cool way to idle away several hours a day." The new site, accidentalphotographer.com, is now attracting more hits than YouTube and Flikr combined. Indeed one video, of the palm of a user's... [Visit website for more] More About: Tops , Bidding
New Zealand suffering high Orc unemployment
2007-11-01 19:41:00 In a debate in the New Zealand parliament, Michael Cullen, the country's finance minister, was assailed by a barrage of questions regarding the recent influx of immigrants and the effects that they were having on the economy. "What we wanted the Minister to understand was that these Orcs are not integrating well into our society and it is starting to have very adverse implications," said Winston Billingsworth of the New Zealand First Party. Several years ago there was a great influx from the middle-earth into New Zealand. They were brought with promises of a great future in a land were the... [Visit website for more] More About: Unemployment , High , Suffering
Showbiz?s leading grumps to retire
2007-10-30 20:41:00 Albert and Ada Billingsworth are to finally hang up their wide range of scowls, frowns and grimaces and retire from the world of Television and Film after a career spanning four decades. "We have been very lucky and stood in the background behind some apparently great young stars," said Ada. "Being in this business so long we have had a chance to play all of the truly great parts, from disapproving and unhappy to angry and confused. It's time to hand over and give someone just slightly younger than us a chance." The Guinness Book of Records confirms the couple as having the most credited... [Visit website for more] More About: Showbiz , Leading , Retire , Tire
Vodafone to announce new ?National Moaning? tariff
2007-10-28 13:08:00 The world's largest mobile phone company today announced a new tariff in the white-hot competition for subscriber minutes. "We have analysed the hundreds of millions of calls made through our network each day and we realise that what our customers really want is a tariff suited to their calling patterns," explained Darren Billingsworth, senior marketing executive at the mobile phone giant. The new call plan, known as "National Moaning" will allow unlimited downbeat conversations for a fixed monthly fee. Computers will analyse the tone of the conversation and the caller will only be charged... [Visit website for more] More About: Vodafone , Voda , Anno
Secret to hit song ?3 times a lady? revealed
2007-10-26 01:02:00 Lionel Ritchie today surprised many by finally revealing the meaning of his hit song ?3 times a lady? which topped the UK charts in 1978. The song is one of the most speculated about in history, with all sorts of theories about the cryptic lyrics ? everything from an attack on then US President Jimmy Carter to the exposure of faked moon landings. However the ballad, says Mr Ritchie, is about the struggles of a trans-sexual friend. ?Charles Billingsworth had always felt more comfortable as Charlotte, but to us was always just Charlie,? said Ritchie. ?However back in the 60s there wasn't as... [Visit website for more] More About: Song , Lady , Secret , Times
'Leaning' Tower of Pisa is a fake
2007-10-24 02:31:00 Officials in the historic Italian town of Pisa have shocked the world by admitting that their iconic tower is in fact not leaning at all. The revelation was made after queries following the 'Euro-Level 2007' exhibition at the town's convention centre. ?We had the finest spirit level manufacturers from all over the world with stands at the exhibition and many of them simply could not get their stands set-up squarely?, said Pierre Facturations-Valeer a member of a French delegation. Delegates at the convention reported that those stands with a view of the famous 'leaning' tower were unable to... [Visit website for more] More About: Fake , Tower , PISA
Royal mail adverts insists ?it is business as usual?
2007-10-22 02:09:00 The Royal Mail today took out a double page advert in the quality papers to help clear up any confusion that customers might have following the recent mail strike. ?Many people have become confused about the service we are offering,? said Sally Billingsworth, a service manager at Royal Mail's Old Street headquarters in London. ?We wanted to ensure customers that the service is back to the standards they expect.? The open letter, signed by the Chief Executive, Adam Crozier, is aimed at ensuring to customers that they can expect to receive the quality of service that has been available since... [Visit website for more] More About: Business , Business As Usual , Adverts
Ripper loose in Westminster
2007-10-20 14:55:00 Following the most recent high-profile knife attack on an elderly man out innocently running his party, the Metropolitan Police have revealed that they are now searching for a serial attacker after linking a series of recent knife attacks on men in London. "There have been a series of high-profile knife crimes in recent months and we now feel we have found the evidence needed to link them together," explained Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. "The recent attack on Sir Menzies Campbell is the fourth in a series of attacks on high-profile Scotsman in Westminster . Friends and... [Visit website for more] More About: Ripper
Threat to world vowel population
2007-10-18 01:55:00 Today, literary climate experts published a report on the world's native vowel population. The report says that the common vowel is coming under pressure as their natural habitat is being steadily eroded. ?All over the world vowels are becoming harder and harder to find,? explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the reports authors. ?With the spread of modern communications the vowel is coming under increasing pressure. The vowel is quite a sensitive creature and depends on a sophisticated set of conditions for it to flourish, unfortunately these conditions are the victims of our... [Visit website for more] More About: World , Threat , Pula
Al Gore to lead obesity campaign
2007-10-15 02:06:00 Fresh from his victory at this year's Nobbies in Oslo, where he walked away with the Nobel Prize for Film making, Al Gore says he is now prepared to help the UK government in their battle against obesity that they have likened to the fight against global warming. ?Obesity is a challenge we all face and is something close to my heart,? said the big-boned former vice-president of the United States. ?It is a big challenge, and one that is getting bigger all the time. Let's face it, what fatties don't want is an increase in global temperatures, which is another piece of the pie.? Mr Gore said... [Visit website for more] More About: Campaign , Lead
Anti-Environmentalist 'Brown Life' campaign gathers strength
2007-10-12 14:16:00 Anti-environmentalism is a new reactionary movement whose followers believe that the green lobby is distorting the current scientific evidence regarding Climate Change. The movement is gathering strength from those who feel angered by overt environmentalism. "Frankly it all disgusts me," said Frank Billingsworth, a retired army Major from Surrey. "All these tree-huggers telling us what we can and cannot do. It's not right. It's a free country and I am free to be an anti-environmentalist." Mr Billingsworth said that as a reaction to the green movement he is now actively taking steps to use... [Visit website for more] More About: Life , Brown , Campaign , Anti , Environmentalist
Google's gPhone: in-conversation adverts in exchange for free calls.
2007-10-08 15:31:00 Details are being released of the long expected move by Google into the consumer electronics market with the highly anticipated gPhone. Initial specifications reveal that the phone will be coupled with Google's industry leading technology in the provision of targeted advertising and placing context sensitive adverts directly into a conversation in the form of audible 'calls to action' in exchange for free voice calls. ?Having had a chance to play with a prototype I think it is clear what Google's intentions are but by using their web technology they risk transferring existing problems across... [Visit website for more] More About: Free , Exchange , Calls , Adverts , Gphone
ITV announce new “ITV1 – 1” channel
2007-10-06 23:15:00 Following the success of channels such as 'Chan nel 4+1', which show a conventional channel's programme stream delayed by one hour, ITV has planned an innovative service of its own. “We realise that viewers want increased choice and flexibility from their broadcasters, so we plan to introduce a new service enabling our viewers to miss our programmes more easily,” explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. “Unlike Channel 4 which has provocative and innovative programmes, compared to our cheap derivative offerings. We will be introducing 'ITV1 -1' so that viewers... [Visit website for more] More About: Anno
Daily Express news article template leaked
2007-10-04 21:00:00 There are red faces in Lower Thames Street today after the template for Daily Express news articles was leaked onto the internet from an unknown source. An internal investigation is believed to be under way and focussing on any journalist who has shown any pride in their work or expressed any fondness for traditions of good journalism. The template (front page shown - click for larger image) contains not only the format but also suggested text as well as placement of adverts. Directions to the editorial staff are shown in square brackets ([ ]) and include references to holidays, further... [Visit website for more] More About: News , Article , Template , Daily Express
Bible available by Txt Msg
2007-10-02 18:10:00 Today a new range of Biblical products can be downloaded to customer?s mobile phones. A British company is leading the way in providing services to Christians that they feel are under-represented in the market. "It is a good move and about time too," commented Diane Billingsworth, professor of Social Theology at the Jeremy Kyle University. "The mobile phone market is currently used for all sorts of sinful activities, from gambling to pornography. So it is good that young Christians can get their hands on the Good News. They can now take Jesus into their hearts in the dark under the... [Visit website for more] More About: Bible , Available
Outbreak of ?Bluetongue? in 10 Downing Street
More articles from this author:2007-09-30 15:32:00 The Prime Minister has confirmed rumours of another outbreak of the disease Bluetongue, this time within central London and believed to be the centred on Whitehall. ?There has been a number of instances that have been identified in the press as being cases of Bluetongue,? said Gordon Brown from within the exclusion zone within Downing Street . ?Jack Straw's most recent announcement regarding so called 'Have a go heroes' is the latest such policy outbreak.? The government has come under fire for not protecting the country from this deadly contagion, a disease that can lead to a foaming of the... [Visit website for more] More About: Brea , Tong , Downing Street 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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