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The World as it should be

The World as it should be
The news as it happens, before it happens or perhaps as it should have happened.

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Articles

Dutch game show threatens UK lottery
2007-05-30 02:20:00
Mandarins at the NHS have received the news that a new Dutch game show gives the winning contestant a life-changing kidney transplant with horror. ?Even if you ignore the obviously tasteless nature of this programme,? commented Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the Weatherfield NHS Trust. ?The fact... [Visit website for more]
More About: Game Show , Show , Lottery , Game

Restaurants to promote equal opportunities
2007-05-29 02:28:00
Today the Institute of Curry Emporia, ICE, launched its campaign to improve awareness of equality and diversity within the restaurant trade, an industry it says has lagged behind the rest of business in embracing the diversity of British racial demographics. ?For too long now the workforce of... [Visit website for more]
More About: Restaurants , Promote , Opportunities , Equal , Romo

Drogba, Ronaldo ?bad role models?
2007-05-26 16:39:00
Premiership stars such as Chelsea?s Didier Drogba and Manchester United?s Cristiano Ronaldo were today condemned as being unsuitable role models for children. ?Premiership footballers are respected by children all over the country and they mimic their behaviour,? said Marjorie Billingsworth,... [Visit website for more]
More About: Models , Role , Role Model

Tories return to Victorian values
2007-05-24 14:31:00
The Conservative Party is preparing for a new year annoucement giving details of its Victorian Value s based ideology should it win the next General Election. Centrepiece of the proposals will be the re-introduction of workhouses into the nation's inner cities. "Entrance to this elite employment... [Visit website for more]
More About: Tories , Return , Tori

BNP to ban St George
2007-05-21 14:39:00
The British National Party today announced a surprise policy to ban the celebration of Saint George 's Day in England. It follows a policy review to ensure that the party had not drifted in its struggle for cultural purity. "The BNP is becoming a more mature party and, as with every party as we... [Visit website for more]

Media continues Algarve vigil
2007-05-18 13:06:00
As the days pass the 24 hour news media becomes more and more concerned about the plight of their little viewers that have recently been tragically lost, or abducted by less sensational news sources. Reporters are combing the Algarve , frantically searching for any story or rumour with which they... [Visit website for more]
More About: Media , Conti

World?s highest mobile phone call
2007-05-16 14:26:00
A new yardstick (9,672 of them in fact) in the field of communications was achieved when Herbert Billingsworth, 29, made the world?s highest mobile phone call. The call was made possible due to the Chinese government?s installation of a mobile phone mast with line of sight to the top of the... [Visit website for more]
More About: Mobile , Phone , World , Mobile Phone , High

Top team debuts first new signing
2007-05-14 14:26:00
Today at its Docklands headquarters Barclays, the UK?s third largest bank, debuted its new signing in a mortgage department planning meeting. John Varley, Barclays Chief Executive Officer, had previously presented the Portuguese wonder-kid, Marcel Billingo, to the press in a small ceremony where he... [Visit website for more]
More About: Team , Sign , First , Debut , Signing

Married men deflated by Kylie statement
2007-05-12 16:58:00
Allotments and pubs all over the UK are filled with married men lamenting the announcement from Kylie Minogue following accusations regarding her relationship with a married friend. Ms Minogue responded to such accusations with a statement that she has ?never been unfaithful to a partner and would... [Visit website for more]
More About: Arri , Late , Stat , Flat

Media continues Algarve vigil
2007-05-09 13:06:00
As the days pass the 24 hour news media becomes more and more concerned about the plight of their little viewers that have recently been tragically lost, or abducted by less sensational news sources. Reporters are combing the Algarve , frantically searching for any story or rumour with which they... [Visit website for more]
More About: Media , Conti

Carling Cup for sale on eBay
2007-05-06 17:24:00
The Carling Cup (also known as the League Cup) today appeared on the internet auction site eBay with an asking price of £500m. The seller, known only as ?TheGreatOne? has listed the item as being a part of a collection ?that now cannot be realised? and it is described as being in used but... [Visit website for more]
More About: For Sale , Ebay , Sale , Arli

News Organisations claim ?Real life not real enough?
2007-05-04 13:51:00
At a conference on the future of newsgathering, keynote speakers warned that the public is becoming increasingly sceptical about real world catastrophes as they become exposed to ever more sophisticated effects in film, television and computer games. ?It is a real challenge for the News ... [Visit website for more]
More About: Life , Real , Organisation , Real Life

PM fears fortnightly rubbish collection
2007-05-01 13:36:00
Tony Blair today entered into the controversy surrounding proposals to change some of the nation?s rubbish collection to fortnightly arguing in favour of the more traditional weekly collection.?I am a bit of a traditionalist on this,? said the Prime Minister. ?There are many people, like me, who believe that the country is best served by the collection of rubbish each and every week. As many people know I was not so keen on a longstanding tradition in the borough of Westminster for the rubbish to have two smaller collections, twice weekly, on Tuesday and Thursday which was why I moved Prime Minister?s Questions to a single larger collection on Wednesdays.?The major concerns have been centred on increasingly large amounts of garbage being allowed to fester for greater periods providing opportunities for the infestation of maggots.?The maggot infestation in Westminster is very real,? commented Mr Blair. ?I think there is a great risk that it will give the Tory party time to produce a ...
More About: Fear , Fort , Fears , Ears , Bish

Punter loses thousands on ?grate gambling site?
2007-04-30 01:28:00
Following the summit on Internet gambling we talked to people who find wagering too much of a temptation. This is the story of one woman who did not wish to be named, Marge Billingsworth."It all started one afternoon when I heard about a grate gambling site. It was so easy to get access to, I could play all day without having to travel to a casino or even to my local newsagent for scratch cards."I would play for a few hours a day. Initially I was just doing £10 a throw, but then I realised it was more exciting doing £30, then £60 and more. By the end of the week I was completely hooked. I would sit on the kerb and throw the notes towards the drain. Some would flutter harmlessly to the side, others would land across the grate, but as I threw increasingly large bundles of cash into the sky, more and more would fall into the sewer."The thing is there were no warnings at all on the grate. No one told me that I could so easily lose thousands of pounds, nor that I would develop a bad case...
More About: Site , Gambling , Sand , Thousand , Bling

Call centre workers ?indecent?
2007-04-27 13:36:00
37 workers have been suspended from an East Kilbride based call centre following allegations that the employees of the ?Phone for IT? support line indulged in lewd behaviour. The accusations surfaced after videos of several naked call centre agents appeared on the video sharing website, YouTube.Bill Hargreaves a retired Civil Servant from Manchester said that he had always found ?Phone for IT? to be helpful and informative.?Oh yes, it was always good, personal service. Whenever I had a problem getting my laptop to come up I would contact ?Phone for IT?,? commented Mr Hargreaves. ?The first thing they always wanted to know was if it is a problem with a program or with the computer. The call centre girls were very keen for me to give them that right up front and they were always more interested if I said it was hardware.?Mr Hargreaves initially expressed surprise upon hearing the allegations, but after some thought he said that it did make some of his conversations a bit clearer.?N...
More About: Workers , Call , Centre , Worker , Call Centre

Liverpool?s ?08 car sharing scheme
2007-04-25 02:24:00
Liverpool is currently alive with developments and programmes to celebrate its selection as the European ?Capital of Culture 2008?. Today, the City Council unveiled details of its new car-sharing programme to help residents and visitors alike move around the city in a fast, simple and environmentally responsible manner.?We have always had probably Europe?s most advanced car sharing scheme,? explained Councillor Kenny Billingsworth. ?Previously it was a bit more informal. However now we have produced a detailed guide to not only how the system works but also how to get the best out of it on your visit to the city or to one of our many exhibitions.?The pamphlet entitled ?Your car, our ride? contains many hints, tips and maps to local hospitals and solicitors. Advice on the transport initiative includes :-The Car-sharing area is designated by environmentally friendly kerbside markers made of recycled car window chips next to car parking areasWhilst most makes and models are available i...
More About: Liverpool , Ring , Pool , Sharing , Liver

Red Card at Player of the Year ceremony
2007-04-23 09:45:00
The footballing world was thrown into controversy as, for the first time, a player has been sent off from an awards ceremony.Chelseaâ€˜s Didier Drogba was sensationally shown the red card following an off the stage incident. Both he and fellow nominee Cristiano Ronaldo, of Manchester United, were at last nightâ€™s Professional Footballersâ€™ Association ceremony, and were awaiting the announcement of the Footballer of the Year award. Many pundits have said that this yearâ€™s selection was too close to call after excellent seasons from both men and their respective clubs which in turn are running one and two in this yearâ€™s title chase."As the announcement was being made, both players lunged for the trophy from the side of the stage," said an onlooker. "Drogba was closer but suddenly Ronaldo crashed to the floor and rolled onto the stage."There was pandemonium as fellow players rushed to the Portuguese wingerâ€™s aid and at this point apparently both players squared up to each other...
More About: Card , Player , Ceremony , Layer

Builders snap up designer tools
2007-04-22 02:06:00
The last few years have seen an increase in large, well-appointed and sophisticated four-wheel drive pick-up trucks on the nationâ€™s roads. Contrary to perceived wisdom they are not driven by selfish, power crazed and environmentally ignorant middle-class mothers on the school run. Instead it is the countryâ€™s builders and onsite engineers, plumbers, painters and decorators bidding to shed their dirty, paint-covered images in favour of a modern designer look.Indeed, the growth in demand for these sophisticated work vehicles has spawned a growth in designer tools and clothing for the construction industry."I used to have a Toyota pickup. It was white and beaten up, had vinyl seats and didnâ€™t really like cold weather. All the lads took the Mickey so I got a Mitsubishi Shogun Elegance," said Gordon Billingsworth, a bricklayer from Chatham. "Of course, now I have to bring two sets of overalls and a change of shoes. I donâ€™t want any dirt on the carpets. And I never park it on site ...
More About: Tools , Builders , Snap , Designer , Sign

Archivists discover â€œHandbook for Womenâ€
2007-04-20 03:17:00
Today researchers revealed the discovery of a text that was believed to have been lost to man. It is a rare modern copy of the fabled â€˜Hand book for Womenâ€™."This book is one of the founding texts of our civilisation," explained Dr Bill Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Pantheonic Studies. "It can trace its origin back to the time of Cleopatra and is a text as powerful and complicated as it is controversial. It is no surprise to find the modern version has a â€˜for dummiesâ€™ edition.The book, which is given to all girls upon reaching puberty, is said to be the most divisive work of literature in existence. It is a handbook detailing how to behave as a â€˜normalâ€˜ human female. Of epic proportions, at some 7665 pages, its discovery may finally provide scholars with insight into behaviour that has long been thought to be completely irrational, if not borderline insane."Without doubt, this book has caused more sadness and anger than Chairman Maoâ€™s â€™Little Red Bookâ€™ or â€˜...
More About: Cover , Over , Archi , Disco

EA announce new Football Tie-in
2007-04-17 20:51:00
Today computer game giant Electronic Arts announced that it was discontinuing its line of Champions League tie-in football games, to be replaced with a game focussing on other football tournaments."UEFA Champions League 2007 will be the last in the series of our video games following the top levels of the professional game," said Joyce Stitch, Product Director for EA Sports. "However, the avid gamer need not despair as we will be continuing our award winning football games with the launch of â€˜Nationwide Conference 2008â€™".The gaming community expressed surprise and some dismay at the news. Kallum Smythe (aka â€˜Mr Bloggyâ€™) said that initial reaction to the news had been muted. "We are always keen on the latest games, the improved graphics and player features always add to the atmosphere," he said. "But unless something goes horribly wrong with their careers, it looks like we wonâ€™t be able to play as our heroes Ronaldo or Ronaldhino, instead it will be Ronnie Bull of Crawley T...
More About: Football , Ball , Foot , Anno

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