The World as it should be The World as it should be The news as it happens, before it happens or perhaps as it should have happened. Articles
Religious letter “bemoans newcomers”
2007-04-16 03:21:00 An ancient letter, said to be well over a thousand years old, has been uncovered in a field in Wiltshire and, say scholars, sheds light onto the early conflicts in the religious history of Britain.“The text is written by a Druid, sometime around 1500 years ago,” said Bill Billingsworth from the Sidcup Centre for Pantheonic Studies who consulted on the translation into English. “We aren’t exactly sure who the letter is addressed to. It may be to a fellow Druid, it may even be text to be read out. A sort of parish newsletter, if you will.”The letter describes the conditions that this particular Druid and his fellow Celts are living under as Christianity grows within 4th century England. The new religion with its newly ordained Saints and Bishops is growing rapidly and spreading into the provinces which dominates the main parts of the text as shown in the following excerpts.“Indeed these followers of the Christ do travel the land. They breed quickly, so much quicker than th... More About: Letter , Ligi , Come , Religious , Newcomers
Refugees flee France
2007-04-15 10:56:00 Many hundreds of asylum seekers from all over the world are collecting in and around Calais and the small French town of Sangatte. They have travelled thousand of miles form Asia, the Middle-East and sub-Saharan Africa having each saved up several years wages to pay for their flight from civil war and genocide and each of them has the same aim. They want to get out of Fran ce .“Yes, I escaped from Darfur, from the war and the killing.” said Salva al-Mahdi. “I travelled through Libya, a perilous crossing to Corsica and then finally through France. I cannot stay, it is terrible here.”His feelings were echoed by many. All of whom dream of escaping the horrors of France and making their way across the Channel to the UK.“I was tortured for 6 years in a Yemeni jail,” said Abdallah Mujawar. “But it was nothing like this. I dream of escaping France and getting to Britain.”The French authorities are said to be embarrassed by the situation developing on the Brittany coast as tho... More About: Refugees , Fugees , Gees
David Beckham completes transfer
2007-04-14 03:20:00 Today David Beck ham completed his long awaited transfer. Even though it has been common knowledge for some time, it was today that he finalised his move from the back pages to end his career in the entertainment and showbiz sections of the newspapers."This is something we have been planning for some time," said his wife, Victoria Beckham . "Ever since we married I have been planning a move away from football to a purely showbiz lifestyle."Friends of the Beckhams say that David had become unhappy with his role as a footballer once it transpired that sending in the odd free-kick from 30 yards was no longer enough to guarantee him a place in ‘Hello!’ magazine or even onto the front pages of the tabloids.There was a brief ceremony in Wapping as David Beckham signed an exclusive deal with ‘The Sun’ newspaper for the serialisation of the next volume of his autobiography, reputed to be for a seven-figure sum. During the ceremony, Sun football writer Andrew Haigh handed over Mr Beckh... More About: Transfer
Burglars “forced me to wear dress”
2007-04-13 04:02:00 New Scotland Yard today urged members of the public all over the country to be on the lookout for a gang of criminals that has preyed upon dozens of victims for perhaps decades forcing them into acts of cross-dressing."The crimes may have only recently been reported, but our investigations have subsequently revealed a pattern that could stretch back for many years," said Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. "We are warning prominent people, in business, in the media, or in the public eye in general, to take extra precautions if they are at home alone."DI Billingsworth outlined how the gang operates and how it has struck up and down the country, from rural estates in Scotland to urban apartments in London and the Home Counties."We have now received several reports from men who have been found at home, sometimes bound and gagged, but always dressed in women’s clothing," he explained. "They are often discovered in this state by their wives. Needless to say the victims have not ... More About: Essa , Wear , Lars
BREAKING NEWS: Taxman probes The Apprentice
2007-04-12 04:01:00 The producers of the BBC’s show ‘The Apprentice ’ have been contacted by both the Inland Revenue and Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise with regards to the tax positions of the two companies that represent the teams in the show after claims that the contestants keep the profits they make."This series has better contestants and better business tasks than ever before," said Sir Alan Sugar. "We aim to have challenges that truly reflect modern business and challenge the contestants."It s understood that upcoming episodes of the business based reality programme will show the contestants filing details of their Eclipse and Stealth firms with Companies House and filling in their personal and corporate income tax declarations. In an episode to be aired in three weeks time Eclipse are rumoured to have failed the task set by Sir Alan - despite earning the most money - since they had forgotten to submit their VAT returns.The changes to the programme have been made after the Inland Revenue... More About: News , Breaking News , King , Rent
Bank Robbers to be prescribed cash
2007-04-11 10:12:00 During his keynote speech at Finsec 07, the conference on financial security, Martin Billingsworth, of Barclays UK Retail Bank ing, said that the time had come to consider radical ways to prevent crime by following the lead of drug abuse campaigners."We need to reduce the motivation for habitual criminals such as Bank Robb er s and fraudsters that target the small multi-billion pound organisations," he said. "We need to remove the link between their needs and the crime they commit. If registered armed robbers were prescribed great bundles of cash on the NHS it will lead to less desire to perform bank raids."Attendees at the conference included not just the retail banking sector, but its interested consumer groups. Tony ‘The Spanner’, who has served a total of 24 years for armed robbery and represented the Essex firms said that the move did not go far enough."Well I know that my members would welcome the re-assurance that we can maintain our cash dependencies without the need to bre... More About: Cash , Crib
Jenson Button “Religion blunts chances”
2007-04-08 21:44:00 Friends of Jenson Button today revealed that there might be religious aspects to the British Formula 1 driver’s lack of success in Motor Racing."Well, I know Jense well," said James Billingsworth from Frome in Somerset. "Why else would I refer to him as Jense? In his seven years in F1, and in his previous career in the lower formulae, he has never really raced on a Sunday. I think that it is a devout Christian belief."Friends believe this, rather than any question marks regarding the Englishman’s talent, is the reason for a lack of race wins and championship success."Oh certainly he will drive on a Sunday, but he just won’t compete!" claimed Mr Billingsworth, citing the Briton’s performances as evidence. "You never see him overtaking, and he doesn’t defend his position at all well, both of which would mark him out as a racing driver. What he does is drive neatly around, respecting the Sabbath."Friends point out that Button’s only F1 win came at the 2006 Hungarian Grand P... More About: Ligi , Gion , Blunt
Britons “pleased to see ex-pats go”
2007-04-07 04:35:00 A new study released today claims that most Brito ns are pleased when ex-pats leave their native land and head to far off countries.“It appears these ‘wannabe ex-pats’ have been getting on the nerves of other people in Britain so when they announce they are going to leave, most people wish them well and hope it will be soon,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.The survey polled thousands of homes from up and down the land with consistent themes recurring throughout.“Oh yeah, our neighbours used to constantly moan about Britain, the weather, the trains, young people, the television, the traffic,” explained Arthur MacAulay, from Falkirk, who took part in the survey. “Everyday it would be something new that they didn’t like. I was so pleased when they said they were leaving for Paxos, I offered to drive them to the airport.”Mr MacAulay’s feelings were echoed by Martin Edenbridge from Aynsford in Kent. “The people next door? Oh they showed no interest in mak... More About: Please , Lease , Ease , Riton
Princess Diana found Alive
2007-04-05 04:01:00 In a shocking revelation it was today revealed that rather than having been killed in a car crash in the tunnel at the Point D’Alma in Paris, Prince ss Diana is actually alive and well and running the news desk of a leading tabloid newspaper.Shiona Winlingsborth, a sixth form student who was taking part in the Daily Express’s work experience programme, made the sensational discovery but at first thought it was too bizarre to be true."Well, I just thought it was someone who looked a bit like her, you know. Diana’s died, she was like killed in that car crash, or something," said Miss Winlingsborth. "On my last day I took a photo of the news room and showed it to a few friends and they all recognised her."Diana, Princess of Wales, confessed that the stories were indeed true and that she had been secretly working in the newsroom and helping to shape the Express’s stories"When the crash happened, I realised that it was a chance to get out of the limelight," said a tearful, doe-eye... More About: Live
French strike over requirement to work
2007-04-04 04:00:00 Members of the French union, the Federation Sans Travail, which include tour guides and information kiosk workers from the vast panoply of France’s public buildings and cultural services, today voted for strike action in protest at the requirement that they perform a days work for their pay. “Our, members, who staff the information desks, or patrol the galleries of some of France’s most famous and historic buildings are fed up having to deal with the public,” explained Gilles Facturations-Valeer of the FST. “Our gallery attendants are not there to simply guide the public. They simply will not stand for it. Chairs are another of our demands.”“All day, everyday, our members have to ask questions about where this is, how to get to that. It is very tiresome,” he explained. “Constantly having to remind people not to use flash photography – well this is intolerable for an assistant at an art gallery.”It is feared that the strike action may spread to other areas of th... More About: Work , Over , Strike
London buses concern over Iran
2007-04-02 11:25:00 The escalating crisis between Iran and the United Kingdom over the detention of 15 British service personnel has aroused concern not just throughout the political and military worlds, but also for the Bus planners of London Transport.“From what we have learned about the crisis, from the media, both countries are in dispute over the position of boats using GPS,” explained Ken Billingsworth, Manager for Bus Logistics Central London. “We use the same system to track our buses, so if it doesn’t work it could be a disaster.”Transport for London uses GPS to locate its buses for amongst other reasons populating the electronic displays on stops that give the expected time of arrival of the next service. There have long been questions and complaints regarding the displays. Many a commuter has looked down from the sign saying their bus was due to find an empty road extending into distance.“I mean GPS systems are supposed to be accurate to within a few metres. Yet the dispute is ov... More About: Buses , Ondo , Over
Jim’ll Fix it back after 12 years
2007-04-01 15:20:00 Today repeat television specialists UK Gold announced the return to our screens of the show “Jim’ll fix it”, to be called “Jim’ll Fix it : Strikes Again”. "The programme will be slightly revised," explained Fiona Billingsworth, Head of Programming at UKtv. "It will retain the old format of fulfilling children’s wishes but also explore those wishes from the original series that were not selected for broadcast originally."The first episode will show Sir Jimmy Saville trying to fix it for a viewer from the final 1994 series of the original BBC production. In the episode Jim will attempt to assist Gordon from Glasgow, who now lives in state housing in London, achieve his life long ambition of becoming Prime Minister.However TV executives stress that the format will also be updated to include contemporary wishes from today’s children. Included in the first episode we will see how Charles Thompson, 14, from South London gets on with his aim of getting an adult to buy him t... More About: Back , Years , After , Year , Ears
Government plans replacement Emergency services
2007-03-31 11:32:00 As summer approaches and the nation’s hopes are filled with an expectation of another hot, glorious summer, the Government is enacting a series of measures to fulfil gaps in the emergency services.“If we get a really long summer, like the last couple of years, then we can expect an increase in strike action,” said John Billingsworth, Assistant Under Secretary for Contingency Planning within the Home Office. “We are, obviously, especially worried about the Fire Service.”It is expected that thousands of public sector workers will find reason to strike, or perhaps fall ill, during the good summer months which risks leaving the country dangerously exposed.“Above all else we want to re-assure the public that we can get everything in hand, as we are sure that will be a relief to all.” commented the Assistant Under Secretary. “For that reason we are turning to the expertise of the stripping community.”Traditionally the army has stepped in to fill the roles of any striking... More About: Services , Plans , Over , Place
Much loved comic diagnosed with personality disorder
2007-03-30 11:50:00 Friends and relatives were today rallying round comedy star Ricky Gervais after he announced that he was suffering from “Single Person ality Disorder”.“He has suffered, quietly, for years,” said a pal. “He has managed to cover it up by clever renaming of his David Brent character and sometimes by wearing a different jacket.”Gervais said he had made the announcement to try and help others with the same affliction. SPD is a condition said to inflict most of society, however it is a dangerous condition for a comedic genius such as Gervais.“Not everyone has been as lucky as me. With the help of a few close friends, and a fawning media. I managed to conceal the awful truth for over 5 years,” the comic said today.Friends reveal that the strain was starting to tell on Ricky and advised him to make a public statement so that he could then seek help with his condition.“Ricky is Ricky, a wonderful chap, but exactly what you see on TV is Ricky. There is no hidden dimension to ... More About: Comic , Nose , Much , Order
Millwall announce new US investors and another new badge
2007-03-28 18:07:00 Millwall Football Club today announced a financial restructuring package and the Shareholders’ approval of the bid from a new group of American investors. The new bid was recommended by the club’s board as being the deal to take the club into the future and back up to the Championship."The new investment, from Hanna-Barbera, one of the leading family entertainment groups in the USA, shows not only the bright future that this club has, but also its international reputation. It further strengthens the important role we feel we can play in the local community," said Grant Billingsworth, Financial Director.Millwall plan to leverage Hanna Barbera’s expertise to soften the image of the club and broaden its appeal from the die-hard fan of the Upper East stand, to a central part of family and community life. The first step will be a new badge, for the 2007/8 season. This marks the second revamp from the original rampaging lion and will feature the famous cartoon character Snagglepuss.... More About: Wall , Investor , Vest , Stor , Another
Spy reveals MI6 economy drive
2007-03-28 14:12:00 Speaking from an undisclosed location, a British secret agent, has launched a stinging attack on the UK’s mysterious espionage masters. The agent, who revealed himself as “Deux Blow Sven” said that he was frustrated by the new policies which he said were being driven by government budget cuts and environmental concerns.“Many people think it is all a life of fast cars, yachts, and expensive hotels,” he said. “Those days are long gone and, frankly it is starting to affect the way we operate.”‘Sven’ revealed that as part of his recent investigations he had been required to travel from London to Frankfurt, to follow the trail of a master-criminal planning on holding the GPS system to ransom.“Well it was all a bit more stressful than in the past. Previously I would just turn up at the airport smelling of the perfume of last night’s conquest covered in the blood of my last victim,” he reminisced. “This time I had to have an early night because of the need to get ... More About: Economy , Drive , Econ
Time Travelling tourists relax with a coffee
2007-03-27 11:49:00 A recent paper from researchers at the University of Liverpool has provided evidence for the future development of time travel. Controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed the findings after a 5 year study into archival photographs and video evidence.“We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped.“We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel.“Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy sh... More About: Coffee , Travelling , Time , Tourists , Time Travel
Animals at risk of unemployment
2007-03-26 11:29:00 Animal welfare groups today unveiled a new co-ordinated campaign to highlight the plight of millions of animals."These animals are now starting to suffer at the hands of man," explained Maureen Billingsworth of the environmental pressure group ‘Jobs For The Beasts’. "Globalisation’s insatiable growth and consumption is depriving hundreds of species of their means of survival."The JFTB says that the Miner Bird is now rarely found in Western Europe following the closure of pits in places such as Wales and Northern England. Clown Fish, once popular with children of all ages whether it be in home tanks or parties at public aquaria, have now been cast aside in favour of Polish magicians. Similarly the decline of the Russian navy has led to destitution for most Red Admiral butterflies.Decades of legislation outlawing cruel practices and blood sports have forced breeds such as the Boxer Dog to ply its trade underground but even those opportunities are being taken by the cheaper compe... More About: Animals , Anima , Risk , Unemployment
UK has World’s first celebrity based economy
2007-03-23 11:10:00 Today the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced that the UK economy was the first in the developed world to be primarily based upon celebrity culture.“For two centuries Britain led the way by moving from an agricultural to an Industrial base becoming the ‘workshop of the world’,” he said. ”In the 20th Century we used services to transition from industry to the information age and now, as we embark upon the 21st century, the great pillars of our economy are paparazzi-photo filled newspapers, reality TV shows and of course text voting.”Mr Brown cited Britain’s pre-eminent position in all areas of the celebrity landscape as evidence of the change in our lifestyles giving examples such as the Daily Express’s fixation with Diana, Princess of Wales, or the Daily Telegraph with Liz Hurley.“Sir Elton John, for example, was once one of the leading lights of the music industry, but has now become a professional wedding attendee in his desire to fuel the tabloi... More About: Economy , Celebrity , First , Econ , Base
Shoppers’ T-shirt sensation
2007-03-13 15:54:00 A new fashion craze is sweeping Britain’s high streets and shopping centres – the “instructional T-shirt”. The shirts feature a range of messages or explanations for shop assistants so that they do not unduly disturb frustrated shoppers. The messages include ‘I do not want your store card’ or ‘No, I don’t have your loyalty card’.“I have been struggling to keep up with demand,” said Gillian Billingsworth who created the T-shirts. “It seems we have really resonated with the frustrations of consumers.”“They are great, aren’t they?” said Jeff, from Kent, on a visit to the Bluewater shopping mall. “I keep mine in the car and use it when I go on a long day’s shopping,” he explained. “I had one of the basic, single message, shirts but got another one with several slogans on them. It was also the only one in the range with ‘I do not want an extended warranty’ on the back.” Shop pers say that it is nice not to have to answer the same irritating qu... More About: Shirt , Sati , T-Shirt , Sens
Association of Interviewers admits to new LAZI policy
More articles from this author:2006-10-07 19:20:00 Today, Jeff Billingsworth, general secretary of the Television Interviewer and Talkshow Society admitted that its members had adopted a standard policy known as Leading and Zero Interruption for questioning their subjects."In today’s fast paced media world, our members have to get their soundbites in at the first attempt before the next advert break, weather report or shameless book plug."A leaked memo reveals the policy is in fact a simple matter of forcing both the topic of conversation and the answer into a single thirty second response from the interviewee using a standard set of opening gambits. These include "How important was …", "How devastating has …" "How angry are you …" or the more tabloid "How gutted are you … "Mr Billingsworth was unrepentant about the policy. "In the past journalists had degrees and years of experience in their subject matter. Nowadays our members are reality TV stars cum chat show hosts or retired sportsmen. They can’t be expected to lear... More About: Policy , View , Association , Viewer , Poli 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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