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Marathon runner dresses as ?runner?
2008-04-13 20:39:00
Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route. "I couldn?t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit." Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to... [Visit website for more]
More About: Dresses , Runner

Price of photocopier paper balloons during Zimbabwean election counting
2008-04-01 14:18:00
The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society. ?I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,? said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. ?I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.? As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is... [Visit website for more]
More About: Election , Price , Balloons , Paper , Counting

Shocking Tolkein manuscript to be sold at auction
2008-03-23 17:58:00
Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein?s ?The Hobbit?, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author. "I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ?Sailor? Harry Billingsworth. "I didn?t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something." The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein?s famous ?Lord of the Rings? trilogy although in it?s hand-written form and under an... [Visit website for more]
More About: Auction , Sold

Delia to release even more basic sequel to ?How to Cheat at Cooking?
2008-03-16 21:10:00
Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking ' which has become another of the author?s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef. The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone... [Visit website for more]
More About: Release , Basic , Sequel

Fat gene enabler identified
2008-03-02 01:14:00
Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake. "The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the... [Visit website for more]
More About: Gene

Fidel Castro steps down as President of Cuba to take up new role at Norther
2008-02-20 01:55:00
Fidel Castro , the leader of the Cuba n revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities. ?Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,? said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. ?He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.? Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say... [Visit website for more]
More About: President , Role , Fidel Castro

Prince William ?disappointed at missing another fight?
2008-02-14 22:43:00
HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club. "He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq." In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to... [Visit website for more]
More About: Fight , Missing

Sir Paul McCartney offers to conduct divorce settlement under sharia law
2008-02-12 20:47:00
In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law. "Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle. Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man... [Visit website for more]
More About: Divorce , Sharia , Offers , Settlement

Axis Of Evil reveals expansion plans
2008-02-10 18:44:00
The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil ' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella. "We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman. The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world... [Visit website for more]
More About: Plans , Expansion

QVC presenter lands ?dream market stall role?
2008-02-08 15:06:00
Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Berwick Street market in Soho. "It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile." Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the... [Visit website for more]
More About: Market , Dream , Role , Presenter

Unemployed man decries Minogue's ?double standards?
2008-02-06 22:34:00
Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch. "It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying.... [Visit website for more]
More About: Standards , Double , Double Standards

MPs to vote on moving House of Commons to Virgin Islands
2008-02-04 23:58:00
MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it?s way to the family members of some MPs. "I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of... [Visit website for more]
More About: Moving , Virgin , Vote , Islands

Market analysts ?FTSE, NASDAQ, BINGO - no idea what those numbers really me
2008-02-01 17:23:00
Today global markets were reacting positively to the United States Federal Reserves second dramatic drop in interest rates in as many weeks. On the other hand, possibly to the cute dog that was running around the smoking garden at one brokerage. Trader?s moods on Wall Street fluctuated as they digested the latest statement from Fed Boss Ben Bernanke and some of the latest performance indicators coming out of the construction sector. However the Dow Jones ended the day rising sharply after a group of traders watched the "Evolution of Dance" video on YouTube. Market experts such as Callum... [Visit website for more]
More About: Idea , Bingo , Numbers , Nasdaq

Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay
2008-01-29 19:27:00
Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule. "We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good." The... [Visit website for more]
More About: Scientists , Cold Fusion

Tarts renege on deal with Premier League shagger
2008-01-27 21:13:00
The world of professional football was plunged into chaos today after two harlots defied paid contracts to keep quiet about their casual sex with international swordsman Ashley Cole. ?It really has shocked players all over the country. They are used to big money contracts, and they expect these slags to honour their deals and keep quiet,? said a spokesman for the Professional Footballer's Association. ?What worries our members even more is the inevitable tabloid puns about their unimpressive tackle.? The PFA said the interest of it's members would be aroused by any humorous references to... [Visit website for more]
More About: League , Deal , Tarts , Premier league , Premier

Peter Hain resigns to ?spend more time with huge crates of cash?
2008-01-25 13:05:00
Former Work and Pensions and Wales Secretary, Peter Hain has resigned his cabinet positions after the nature of his deputy leadership campaign donations were referred to the Metropolitan Police. "It is only right and proper that I step down from my cabinet positions to focus on clearing my name," said Mr Hain. "To do that I first need to clear the huge piles of cash out of my office. Everywhere I look there seems to be more of the stuff, huge crates of cash." Mr Hain said that any claims he has anything to hide are "absurd" amid the controversy over the late declaration of £103,000 of... [Visit website for more]
More About: Time , Cash , Huge

Miners steward police demonstration
2008-01-24 02:57:00
22,500 police officers yesterday marched through central London as part of their demonstration against the pay policy of the Labour government. The march was stewarded by some 400 members of the National Union of Mineworkers. "Clearly a demonstration of this magnitude needed to be carefully policed, but not by the police who were the ones protesting. Fortunately we were able to call upon people with experience of past demonstrations involving the police, former miners, " said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "Many of them have extensive experience of demonstrations with the police going back as... [Visit website for more]
More About: Police , Miners , Demonstration , Stration , Mons

Latte-Nav systems provide emergency Starbucks locations
2008-01-23 01:34:00
A new range of satellite navigation systems has been launched which are capable of providing car drivers with directions to their nearest Starbucks coffee shop as well as optional directions for non-coffee purposes and data about traffic jams, speed-cameras and accident black spots. "Today it is more important than ever that motorists have the security of knowing where their nearest opportunity for some overpriced frothy milk is," said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC. The new systems also integrate into a car's vehicle management system to provide emergency warnings in the event that the... [Visit website for more]
More About: Locations , Systems , Latte , Emergency

Globe of the USA launched
2008-01-20 22:24:00
They are the new 'must have' items that are sweeping across the United States of America where a religious gift company from Tennessee has produced a new range of globes featuring the "American Worldview". The globes have not only been a surprise sales success but are gaining endorsements from schools and religious groups across the United States of America. "Parents and schools from coast to coast are trying to give children the correct view of the world and we think our product, the United Globe of America, fits that market," said a spokesman for 'Balls of the World Incorporated'. The new... [Visit website for more]
More About: Launched

Pensioner admits ?To be honest everything since 1976 has been shite.?
2008-01-18 22:16:00
After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3. "Catherine Tate ? rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such... [Visit website for more]
More About: Honest

Re-launch of classic toy with ?Rehab Sindy?
2008-01-17 00:15:00
Today sees the relaunch of Sind y, the classic girl's doll from the 60s, after a £25m overhaul to bring her up to date with today's children. ?Sindy hasn?t had a major revamp since the 80s and we thought now was a time to contemporise her with today's more affluent, more trendy girl,? said Anita Billingsworth from the family toy company Billingtons Games. ?We have given her body a make-over to bring out her bones a bit more and we have made her head disproportionately large for her body ? for that true eating-disorder look so craved by celebrities.? The deluxe 'Rehab Sindy' play-set will... [Visit website for more]
More About: Classic , Launch

Report casts electric bulbs in bad light
2008-01-14 23:16:00
A report from a candle manufacturers association says that their research has shown that energy efficient light bulbs may cause areas of darkness to become illuminated and warn against their use by anyone who prefers low-light levels, such as moles, earthworms and ugly people. "Unlike your traditional candle these lights make night time seem like day, and inside seem like being outdoors in the sun," said Carlos Valor dos Faturamentos of the Brazilian Wax Association. "Whereas a candle is much more atmospheric in that it just makes things seem gloomy and cast large foreboding shadows on the... [Visit website for more]
More About: Report , Light , Electric , Casts , Bulbs

Soap fans leave hospital following the renewal of actors? contracts
2008-01-09 17:16:00
Thousands of TV viewers were today leaving hospital across the country after news that long running shout-a-thon ?The Bill? was to continue for several more years. "When I heard that one of the main character?s contracts was not being renewed I got my hopes up that The Bill was to be axed," said soap addict Gillian upon leaving hospital in Kirkcaldy. "It turns out that the actual programme will continue, it is so depressing that there won?t be anything uplifting being made to replace it." Accident and Emergency wards in many of the nation?s hospitals were today releasing patients who had... [Visit website for more]
More About: Fans , Hospital , Leave , Actors , Soap

Pakistan President unhappy with investigation into assassination
2008-01-07 01:08:00
President Pervez Musharraf has expressed his dissatisfaction with the investigation into the death of John F. Kennedy and the resulting controversy with the official reports. ?It is clear that there is new evidence, and therefore we should never give a statement that is 100%?, said President Musharraf. ?Whilst it is clear that the victim died following a bang to the head we need to fully determine whether this blow came from a lone gunman or a suicide bombing accomplice on the Grassy Knoll.? He was responding to newly discovered video evidence that clearly showed a gunman firing at the... [Visit website for more]
More About: President , Pakistan , Investigation , Assassination

Britons feel the heat down under
2008-01-04 04:01:00
As thousands of Brito ns feeling "under the weather" grip the pan for dear life, Doctors are warning of severe bouts of high pressure in the middle, followed by extremely blustery conditions down south. "The norovirus is a particularly virulent stomach bug that can bring on severe bouts of diarrhoea with no notice," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Oh dear, I?d only just changed into these," he added before blushing bright red. The high pressure caused by the virus in the middle of Britons can also lead to severe projectile precipitation in the North. Indeed the families of many... [Visit website for more]
More About: Heat , Feel , Riton

Chaos over Christmas due to faulty navigation systems
2007-12-24 15:30:00
This Christmas has seen a record number of complaints from households the length and breadth of the country due to a batch of faulty 'ChatNav' systems. ?Christmas and New Year are a time when millions of people travel across the country to be with loved ones,? said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. ?When we get to our destination we are tired and facing another few hours of tricky navigation through a minefield of conversation subjects and it seems the 'Chat Navigation ' systems that we have come to rely on have let us down.? The festive season is a always a notoriously difficult time as... [Visit website for more]
More About: Systems , Chaos

Political party leader admits to lack of faith
2007-12-19 22:14:00
In a radio interview the newly elected leader of the Liberal Democrats has revealed that he does not believe in the legendary figures central to the Christmas festivities. ?I do not believe in Father Christmas, however I have enormous respect for people who do believe in imaginary figures at this time of year,? said Nick Clegg. The new Lib-Dem leader also revealed that whilst his wife shares in non-belief - as a Catholic she does not believe in rights for women ? he said he would not be forcing his non-belief on his children, who are instead being brought up to revere myths and... [Visit website for more]
More About: Party , Faith , Political , Political Party , Lack

New Company offers themed gifts for those barely known friends and family
2007-12-17 00:30:00
It is always difficult to know what gifts to give many members of the family or friends at this time of year. One Leeds based entrepreneur has moved to fill a niche in the market for those of us with a long list of people to buy for, of which we have limited personal knowledge. ?A lot of people at work, or branches of the family we only see at Christmas, know little about me other than I play golf,? said Martin Billingsworth. ?Every Christmas or birthday I receive a collection of various golf-themed socks, or a couple of tees with a Golf ball patterned hip-flask. Whatever the BHS Christmas... [Visit website for more]
More About: Family , Friends , Gifts , Company , Offers

Children in Chinese sweatshop create fund to help Kent based middle-manager
2007-12-13 22:42:00
Xiao Birrings, an 8 year old worker at a clothing factory just outside Beijing, has become the world's youngest leader of an international charity. ?When I heard of the plight of the middle-managers in South East England I was in tears,? said Xiao during his five minute lunch break. ?Of course that could also have been caused by the noxious fumes from the dyes we use to make Western Children 's clothes,? he added. Master Birrings said that he could really empathise with the group of IT professionals who were faced with having to travel an extra ten miles by heated transport to get to work... [Visit website for more]
More About: Manager , Chinese , Middle , Fund

Unemployed man declares himself to be ?working from home?
2007-12-12 00:32:00
Fed up with constant questions from working friends as to what he was up to on his career break, IT consultant Jericho Billingsworth has declared himself to be ?working from home?. ?You know what the modern office is like, half the time no-one actually comes in, they say they are working from home instead,? said Mr Billingsworth. ?We all know that involves checking a few e-mails whilst sitting in your underpants, watching loads of daytime TV ? that just happens to be on ? and taking the chance to do your washing and free up your weekend. Well, that is just like being unemployed.? Mr... [Visit website for more]
More About: Home , Working , Ares , Clar , Workin