The Web Pen Blog The Web Pen Blog A humorous blog by an improv comedian who is trying to script things that are made up. Get yourself a sardonic pop-culture hug. Articles
She Went Pop
2008-04-17 19:45:00 Back in the early 1980’s when HBO was starting to make a name for itself, they produced a 30-minute program which I would never, ever miss — “Video Jukebox”. Thanks to HBO, viewers were introduced to mainstream hits and a few special gems including The Flirts’ “Jukebox (Don’t Put Another Dime In The Jukebox)”, The Models’ “Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight” and one song that has stuck with me for decades and has been unavailable for almost as long: Iam Siam’s “She Went Pop”. Iam Siam was the brainchild of Brian Rothschild, who, after spending most of his youth listening to and playing classic music, discovered rock ‘n roll. He began working with Japanese synchronized swimmers and developed a piece of music that would eventually morph into the track “I Am Siam”. He then met his main collaborator and main songwriter David Sonenberg who convinced Brain to come back to America and expounded abo...
Shhhh?
2008-04-10 08:00:00 For the first time since Mom got here, I feel at peace. The house is so quiet and lovely. Mom and Clayton are asleep. The dogs are all sprawled out in the various places of rest. It’s cloudy and rainy outside which I love. For the first time in days, I finally feel alive again. The headaches were the worst pain I have ever experienced and now have an appreciation for my dad’s daily experience with MS. I feel happy again. I’ve no idea where this post is going, but wanted to write. This week has been a long one, but not without its good moments. I discovered that I actually enjoy watching Bravo’s “Top Chef” (Boo! Spike should have gone tonight!) mostly because of Cameron’s love of cooking. It also made me realize that I’m happy that Cam isn’t an egotistic bastard of a cook either. His dishes are never pompous, but merely full of flavor that is meant to be enjoyed. He cooks not to merely impress, but share his enjoyment of a great m...
This Is Spinal Headache
2008-04-10 00:01:00 My headache did go up to 11. Let’s give you the good news. The bone marrow biopsy and the spinal tap were both negative — no sign of lymphoma in either place. Turns out it really is localized to one area of my body. Now the reason I haven’t updated in a few days. The spinal tap left me with what is called a spinal headache. It hurt. So, so very much. I couldn’t function if I was standing and especially sitting. Turns out that my spinal fluid was slowly leaking out from the spinal tap and my brain, which floats in the stuff, had sunk to the bottom of my skull. It’s about as much fun as watching George Takei sing country music. So yesterday I went back to the hospital to have a blood patch. In this procedure, they take your blood and inject it above the spinal tap area in an effort to form a blood clot in an area where there is very little blood flow and help the damaged tissue heal faster. It worked. I’ve been able to do more today than the last th... More About: Headache
Randomnessocitiation: Women Are Quoting For Themselves
2008-04-03 16:00:00 What the hell happened? Have I been asleep since 1990? A week ago, Eric, my co-worker, asked me if I knew who was in the Top 5 of the most #1 songs in the rock era. Always up for a music challenge I started to guess. He told me there was technically six artists on the list. I got Madonna, Elvis, Michael Jackson and The Beatles off the bat. I finally got the Supremes, but couldn’t come up with the artist was tied with Elvis at #2. To both of our shock, it was Mariah Carrey (he had heard it on satellite radio that morning). “Seventeen number one songs?” I say incredulously. “Did she have to screw every teen in America to achieve that?” I knew that she had a new album coming out so was curious to see how the first single was doing. It was sitting around 55 and I thought that her time had passed. What I didn’t know was that the single wasn’t available digitally yet. Yesterday in my Billboard RSS feed, I read that Elvis had been unseated but not ... More About: Women
?Happiness? Brings Happiness
2008-04-02 22:06:00 Trust me. By the end of the year you either will be a huge fan of Goldfrapp’s “Seventh Tree” (read review) or will be wanting to shove a tree down my throat to shut me up about it. Well, at least, until I gush like a natural spring about Aimee Mann’s new album. I really can’t say enough about how wonderfully sublime and beautiful Goldfrapp’s after-the-party-has-ended tiny masterpiece is. In case you didn’t like “A&E” (I pity the fool who don’t), you might like their new single which is far more upbeat. “Happiness ” is deceptive though. The lyrics are all about the dangers of cults, but you can ignore that and enjoy the bouncing rhythm. Pun intended there. You’ll get it once you watch the video. Make sure to look for the dog at 3:09. It made me bust up laughing. “Happiness” Listening to: “Horse To Water” - R.E.M.
Sticker Ideas
2008-04-02 08:00:00 Remember when I said that I was looking at getting cancer as a new friend to poke fun at? Here’s where I start. The following are some sticker ideas I’ve had since being diagnosed because that’s how I deal with things. The first one came to me when on my first day driving. I was still in some pain from the surgery and was taking it easy since my car’s a manual. As cars zipped past me in their hurried, self-centered way, I realized that I wish I had a sticker on the car that said: I can drive as slowly as I want. I have cancer. While at work, there was a client who was complaining about her job loudly which brought this one to light: Shut. Up. Your voice is hurting my cancer. Since my little health situation has come to light, more and more people are coming out of the cancer closet. People are confessing to me their cancer survival stories now that I’m in their exclusive cult, so I thought we should all have a sticker that says: Cancer is the new black.... More About: Ideas , Sticker
Favorite Albums Of 2008: 1st Quarter Update
2008-04-01 08:00:00 I know what you’re thinking. You were just wondering, “Gee, I wonder what Howard’s Top 10 albums of 2008 is looking like so far.” Let me answer your query with a list. This is also my first post written in Wordpress 2.5 to see if their visual editor has improved. Ready? Goldfrapp - Seventh Tree (see video for “A&E”) Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend (see video for “A-Punk”) Sheryl Crow - Detours (see video for “Love Is Free”) Dolly Parton - Backwoods Barbie (see video for “Better Get To Livin’”) The Goldbergs - Under The Radar (listen on MySpace) Buy on CDBaby Ringo Starr - Liverpool 8 (see video for “Liverpool 8″) The Magnetic Fields - Distortion (see fan video for “California Girls”) Mike Viola - Lurch (see live video of “Girly Worm”) Buy from Mike’s website Kylie Minogue - X (see video for “Wow”) Rufus Wainwright - Rufus Does Judy At Carn... More About: Albums , Update , Favorite , Quarter
Reviews: Rufus Wainwright, Janet Jackson, The Magnetic Fields
2008-03-31 08:00:00 Rufus Wainwright Rufus Does Judy At Carnegie Hall Geffen Rufus has never been one to shy away from the fact that he’s gay, but to go to such lengths to prove it is either the sign of strength or a drama queen. His performance to pay homage to Judy Garland was so popular that several shows were added not only at Carnegie Hall but in London, Paris and Los Angeles, but were they worth preserving a singer who has the audacity to recreate one of the most loved live recordings of all time? Yes. It’s great fun even if Rufus’ distinct voice doesn’t always live up to the material. The moments between songs are fun, too, because he talks to the audience at the same moments Judy does during her performance back in 1961, not to mention hearing Rufus’ perfectionist nature being presented here when he has the orchestra start over having missed a cue or when the tempo not being to his liking. Not being a Judy Garland fan myself, I was surprised to discover how many ... More About: Reviews , Janet Jackson , Jackson , Janet , Fields
An Organization Close To My Former Appendix
2008-03-28 19:56:00 For some reason completely unbeknownst to me, I found an organization that I really want to promote: The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I just feel this uncontrollable urge deep where my appendix used to be that I should tell you a bit about the society in a two-sentence mission statement lifting directly from their website. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s mission: Cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. The Society has dedicated itself to being one of the top-rated voluntary health agencies in terms of dollars that directly fund our mission. As with many similar organizations, they rely solely on privately-donated funds since they receive no federal funding unlike a certain war that 60 - 70% of the American population disapproves of, but I won’t get into that. Not only do they fund much research but put just as much money into patient and community service including a little ... More About: Organization , Close
Upgrade Available For Robot Mix
2008-03-25 07:00:00 I just can’t leave this mix alone. It’s my favorite of the concept mixes, so seem to always find things I don’t like about it to fix. This time it’s because I rediscovered a favorite album of mine — Pulsars’ one and only full-length collection of music. On the same label as Garbage, Pulsars were supposed to be this band that brought back the electronic fun of the 80’s back to the airwaves, but the label went under and the new owners decided not to pick them up. All this is standard fare in the music industry, of course, but it’s also sad. The debut album was really good. I found it again and realized that there were several songs not in my iTunes library including “My Pet Robot ” which is now included in v1.6 of the mix. It does a great job of flow between ELO and They Might Be Giants. The other good news is that Pulsars is finally going to start recording again after working for a decade producing other bands like OK Go. If...
Cheney Does Stand Up
2008-03-24 15:30:00 Cheney. What a joker. After making sure that Afganistan and Iraq were both liberated for the sake of democracy, he develops this great Colbert-esque character just to tickle our funny bone. What a card. Here what he said on “Good Morning America” according to Think Progress: RADDATZ: Two-third of Americans say it?s not worth fighting. CHENEY: So? RADDATZ: So? You don?t care what the American people think? CHENEY: No. I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls. Oh! Oh! How drool! See what happened there? It’s ironic because he’s been preaching democracy since 2001 as the savior of all great nations and now is completely ignoring the “We The People” pulpit. Hilarious! It simply has to be a joke. I mean no one can possibly be that much of a hypocrite. Rumor has it that Cheney will be announcing his comedy tour soon, too, which will begin his systematic overthrowing of comedy clubs across the nation. Listeni... More About: Cheney , Stand Up , Stand , Stand-Up
Hello
2008-03-19 19:46:00 I’m home and recovering. It’s been a strange few days and will sum up thusly: Good News: It wasn’t appendicitis although I no longer have my appendix. Bad News: It was lymphoma — you know… the cancer. (You have to pronounced that in a whisper like they do on Lifetime movies.) Good News: It turns out it’s boring everyday Diffuse Large B-Cell lymphoma (click on the link to download a PDF about it). It’s the type that simply everyone is getting. That really is good news. When it comes to cancer, you must strive for mediocrity ergo you can get treatment that many, many before you have received. I will be starting chemo in a few weeks. So far my doctors are optimistic: it seems localized and it seems unrelated to HIV (yes, I’ve been positive since 1996 and quite healthy, thank you). I have a PET scan scheduled Monday to make sure it’s not located anywhere else and will have a bone marrow biopsy scheduled a week from Saturday to make s...
Hospital Update
2008-03-18 07:12:00 Howard has asked me to post another quick update to let you all know that he is still in the hospital, and is scheduled to be released on Tuesday, and should hopefully be able to write about his experiences by tomorrow night or Wednesday.Then he can get back to bringing the humor that makes us all laugh!Hayes More About: Hospital , Update
Goldfrapp - Seventh Tree
2008-03-17 08:00:00 Goldfrapp Seventh Tree Mute On occasion a collection of music comes your way that takes you by surprise. You try hard not to gush over it, but when the sounds hit your ears you realize what you are witnessing is a masterpiece of its genre. Goldfrapp’s fourth album is that — a masterpiece of ethereal pop. Seventh Tree truly astonishes in mood. Listening to the ten tracks is like floating on a dreamy sea of melancholy. Yet the songs aren’t truly sad. The album starts off with “Clowns”. All acoustic guitars, strings, bass and Allison’s breathy instrument that barely articulates anything in the song. Her vocals come and go like a tide due to backward masking and tape hiss effects. With all this atmosphere you would expect the song to be about the loneliness of a clown. Nope. It’s actually about fake boobies, “Only clowns would play with those balloons/What’dya wanna look like Barbie for?/…Titties that live on and on and on... More About: Goldfrapp
Guest Post - Our Boy Howard Needs Your Thoughts - UPDATED
2008-03-13 20:16:00 Howard has asked me to post in his absence. This morning at around 3am he had to go to the emergency room. He apparently needs to have his appendix removed. As I am typing this, he is probably in surgery. He will be held for observation overnight and make sure there is nothing else going on. Please join me in keeping him in your thoughts for a quick recovery! I will post an update of how things are going as I know. Hayes from qPlog UPDATE: The surgeons have successfully evicted the “hot” appendix (as the Dr. referred to it) from Howard. He is being moved to his room so that he can show off his new incision to all. More About: Post , Thoughts , Howard , Guest
A Logical Reason For Disco
2008-03-12 15:18:00 Last night as I was in bed wearing headphones listening to Donna Summer’s classic, almost 30-year-old, continuous-track greatest hits album On The Radio - Greatest Hits Volumes I & II (What? Do summin’!), I finally understood the logic of the creation and popularity of disco. It’s big four-on-the-floor, bass-bass-bass-bass beat and slow, barely-fast-enough-to-dance tempo was created for one reason and one reason alone: so white people had a fighting chance to actually look good on the dance floor. Saturday Night Fever, anyone? Listening to: “Common People” - William Shatner More About: Reason , Disco , Logical
The Wedding Of The (Early 20th) Century
2008-03-11 07:00:00 Just so you don’t think I’m doing nothing but moping, I’m now going to write a four-piece series about the wedding I attended and MC’ed on Leap Day. In fun-sapping detail, I will explain hour-by-hour each minute detail from the night that Matt & Leslie met to the rehearsal to seeing the groom’s party getting dressed in the hotel room (grrowl). Prepare yourself for the most gloriously long post ever. I kid. On February 29, 2008, fellow Monkey, Matt2, and his lovely fiance, Leslie, roshamboed to see who would go first with their vows. In the middle of a beautiful ceremony and after three friends read tributes to the couple, Clint, who was presiding, said, “Now the bride and groom will compete to see who repeats their vows first.” Those in attendance all laughed until we realized they were being serious. Then we laughed harder. When Matt2 cheated by going on 3-1/2, we laughed even harder. Leslie told me the other day that the only people ... More About: Wedding , Early , Century
Democratic vs. Republican Sex Scandals
2008-03-10 22:58:00 I’m up for some funny now with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer being caught up in the latest sex scandal. I immediately went to his page to see which political party he belonged to. He’s a Democratic so I deduced that the sex was with a woman. I was right. So let’s review our sex scandal formulas when it comes to politicians: Man-On-Woman Lovin’: Democrat Man-On-Man Lovin’: Republican Any politician that falls outside of these proven facts is a freak of nature and shall be shunned, ridiculed, called hypocrite and immediately have the suffix of ‘former’ placed before their current title. So it is written, so shall it be done. Listening to: “Clowns” - Goldfrapp More About: Scandals
Surrealism In Utah IV: Retelling Stories
2008-03-10 07:00:00 At this point in the story, I really don’t have details. Just stories I’ve been told. Mom and I called each other over the next few hours to check in. The last thing they removed from Grandma was the ventilator about 4 Monday morning and she hung in there. See? Stubborn. I called Mom around 10 and she was still with us — still fighting. Then I got a call around 2 or 2:30. I looked at the caller ID and when I saw it was Mom, I knew it was to finally tell me that she had died. Mom was holding up like a trouper even while breaking into occasionally sobs. I’ve been told that losing a parent is hard, but I would argue it’s just as hard to hear your parent mourning the loss of their parent. It was almost as bad as hearing my mom cry out in anguish when Grandpa died in ‘85. Mom told me that at the end, Grandma opened her eyes and kept staring at the ceiling as if she was seeing something they couldn’t. She finally told Grandma that Grandpa was ther... More About: Stories , Utah
Surrealism In Utah III: Saying Goodbye
2008-03-07 17:14:00 An hour later, I went to go get some food with my cousin, Cliff. (Girls, why you haven’t snatched this one up is a complete mystery to me. He is rough on the outside, heart of gold on the inside and — for you shallow types — a hottie.) He’s one of the black sheep cousins I told you about — wants to go live in Florida and not into the religion that many of the family are encapsulated in. He and I will revisit many memories on our trip to the airport when it’s time for me to leave. I will also find out later that Grandma’s death will hit him pretty hard. Kevin and I had just talked a couple of days before that we suspected that he was a big ole softie. Around 4 in the morning, we all went home to grab a few hours of sleep. I think Mom got 30 minutes before she was up and on her way back to the hospital. Kevin and I were a bit more out of it and got about 3 hours before we got up. As I was showering I could hear music from somewhere. It weirded... More About: Utah , Goodbye
Surrealism In Utah II: Witnessing Love
2008-03-06 18:00:00 That night I witnessed something I haven’t since I was kid — a family prayer. I’m not religious at all. Never really have been, so witnessing this brought back a lot of memories both good and bad. There was even talk of a blessing - a ceremony where a few drops of virgin olive oil are poured on the head and members of the priesthood (only the males, by the way) become a conduit to God. This I witnessed in ICU a few hours later. In the meantime, Grandma couldn’t even walk with help to her own bed. We had to carry her. That was most horrifying event of the entire weekend. Just the day before I was with her buying groceries and having a conversation. My mom and her siblings decided that it was time to get her to the hospital. A smart choice, in my opinion, even though Grandma had specified that she wanted to die at home; however, Grandma was beyond our care at this point. An ambulance was called and we all ended up at the hospital. Grandma’s blood pressure... More About: Love , Utah
Surrealism In Utah I: Spending Time
2008-03-05 18:42:00 This post got to be really long, so I’m cutting it up over the next few days. In fact, I’m not even done with it yet, but am tired of sitting on it as if it’s time to move on. My trip to Utah to see my grandmother from Feb 20 - 23 was certainly an exercise in juxtaposition. I arrived Thursday afternoon to be greeted by my mother, my grandmother and my uncle. My Uncle Kevin is difficult to look at and say “Uncle Kevin”. He is a little less than two years older than me which is what you get when you’re the oldest grandchild. I have an uncle on my dad’s side who is only 1-1/2 years older than me. The way Kevin and I interact, we might as well just be siblings with all the fun-poking and put-downs being tossed around. So there I was in the middle of Mormonland thinking I’m going to get a home-cooked meal from Grandma and Mom, right? Wrong. We ended up at Hometown Buffet with everyone grabbing those coupon books that schools sale trying to... More About: Time , Spending
Update
2008-02-25 23:58:00 Thanks all of you who sent well wishes either via the Internet or with your mind. I’m feeling much better physically, but am mentally drained. My grandmother passed away this afternoon. The entire trip to Utah now feels like the most surreal experience of my life. I’ll post more later. Right now, I just feel like being alone for a while; however, between jobs and getting ready for a wedding and a show, I don’t think I’ll get that until next week sometime. At least I got to see her relatively strong before things spiraled out of control and I had to leave. Listening to: “Precious Illusions” - Alanis Morrissette More About: Update
Exceededly Tired Of Being Exceededly Ill
2008-02-18 18:35:00 I’m so very done with this. Last Tuesday I started to show symptoms of the ickyness that Cameron and two of my co-workers had. It was the worst on Thursday, but now just keeps lingering around like celebrity gossip. I can’t tell which is worse: waking up drowning in sweat, coughing so hard that I feel like I’m going to vomit or the horrible nightmares caused by the few seconds I caught of The Doodlebops one morning. No really. If you dare the rancid dreams, click on the picture and you will join me in worse vividness than anything Freddy Krueger could invent. Speaking of rancid, everything I try to eat or drink tastes like cardboard including the coffee I made this morning. I’ll probably just recycle it later. And not the natural way. To make things worse, the Monkeys have a show tonight (Jazz@Jack’s at 7:30pm. Oh, yeah, I had to plug it) and I’m probably only going to be able to work from the booth and not on stage. This is fine actually as I do... More About: Tired
Verb Away: Another Web Pen Blog Concept Mix
2008-02-14 08:00:00 Dear Valentine’s Day, Words can never say what music can when it comes to the mysterious and strangely bipolar sailings of my heart, so I’ve made you a special music mix to let the world know how I feel about you, Valentine’s Day. The concept is easy. All the songs must have titles that meet this criteria: “*verb* Away”. This lends itself to an extremely eclectic mix of music: Lenny Kravtiz and Nirvana to Will To Power and Culture Club to Art Garfunkel and Christopher Cross. In fact, the Christopher Cross song was the one used the Hawaii episodes of “Growing Pains” — such guilty pleasures. Don’t be hurt, Valentine’s Day, by song titles such as “Go Away”, “Fly Away”, “Stay Away”, and “Blow Away” — just go away. Verb Away Mix 1:14:33 / 68.3MB [Please visit the post to listen to file] Listen to it on Web Pen Blog Radio. See the playlist here. Listening to: “Heart At... More About: Concept
I?m Fucking Matt Damon
2008-02-12 00:02:00 No, not me. Sarah Silverman. Listening to: “Secret” - Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark More About: Matt , Fucking , Matt Damon , Damon
THX Tarsier
2008-02-08 22:24:00 If I saw this before a movie, I’d still be laughing 10 minutes into the film and have to leave. Thanks to Ugly Overload for posting. Learn more about tarsiers. Sorry about the lack of a Roundup; however, I must point out Hayes’ bumper sticker for Republican Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee. Inspired. Have a good weekend, everyone. Listening to: “Drama!” - Erasure
The Difficulties Of Getting A Comedian To Tour With You
2008-02-07 08:00:00 When Aimee Mann hit Boulder in December for her 2nd Annual Christmas Show, fellow Monkey Larry and I knew it would be fun, but had no idea we would be in for a night of hysterical 70’s-variety-show style entertainment. Besides the two guest musicians and the two comedians, Aimee made this movie about trying to get some big name comedians to go on tour with her. I mean she IS married to the Penn family so she knows some people in L.A. Here is the movie in the three-parts it was shown at the concert. If you are crunched for time, watch the last part of Part 1 with Patton Oswald and all of Part 3. Aimee is quite funny and a fine little actor. Part One Part Two Part Three Listening to: “That’s Why I Love You” - Andrew Gold More About: Comedian , Tour
Lazy Tuesday: Giving Kylie The Bee
2008-02-05 20:42:00 Kylie Minogue is a mega-star. There is no way around that. In Europe and her native Australia, she is ginormous and second only to Madonna in sales. The fun part of her albums are all the different musicians and songwriters clamoring to work with her. Her new album, X, has been released (on par with the rest of her stuff) everywhere except the US. Here in the States, we get an official version “sometime in March”. Rumor is that “Wow” will be the first single here and I couldn’t be more excited. Why? One of my new favorite songwriters co-wrote and produced the song — Greg Kurstin of The Bird And The Bee. The song itself is joyous, fun and rides the fine line between 70’s disco and 90’s house. All this is from a self-proclaimed jazz nerd. See what I mean? What I love is that “Wow” is written in the range of the Bird, Inara George, whose beautiful, breathy vocals make The Bird And The Bee great. I would love to hear them red... More About: Kylie , Giving , Tuesday , Lazy
The Kid Is Definitely Straight
More articles from this author:2008-02-04 22:01:00 Late Friday at work as I was trying to finish setting up to run invoices this week, we had a potential new client come in with his board of directors. One of the board members had his son with him and, once he saw my Spongebob calendar and Spongebob mouse pad, I was his new best friend. He came over asking to play with my stamps, my stapler, my notepad, but especially my iPod, Corduroy. After asking me to play things by Soulja Boy and Chris Brown — neither of which I had — he got frustrated and asked to go through Corduroy to find something he liked. We then embarked on a battle of volume. He wanted to crank stuff from a couple of Spongebob albums I have and the scores to The Incredibles and Ratatouille. Normally, I would have said, “No, no, that’s not loud enough,” but there was a meeting going on 20 feet away from us. I would then have to constantly and quickly go for the volume button every time he cranked it all the while explaining why it was impor... More About: Straight 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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