Home FiresHome FiresI\'m a comedy writer and freelance journalist who was born into a great cast of characters. Home Fires gives a daily glimpse into my funny and often crazy life. Articles
CrawDad
2007-07-27 16:35:00 Spur of the moment practical jokes don't sound or look great with me at the video controls. But there was no way I could pass this up. Lane 1 went fishing and caught himself a couple of crawdads. And because torturing his father is something we both love doing, I recorded the boy putting one in the shower with Mr. Lane. Please take note of my husband's very manly scream. Have a great weekend
Dear Blogger Buds,
2007-07-21 15:53:00 Today I need to get some stuff off of my chest. I may be flat when I am done but that’s okay. Some things are more important than boobies. The following are letters I’ve yet to send. Please feel free to write a letter in the comments, should something be weighing you down. Love, Lolo Dear Flies, I know I’ve gotten pretty tan this summer. I’m even a little thinner than normal. However, I am More About: Blogger , Buds
There’s Got To Be A Morning After
2007-07-15 15:46:00 You all know that what comes around goes around, and my little world isn’t exempt. Of course had I gotten a tick (see post below) on one of my naughty bits, like my old man did, I’d have gone to the grave that way before telling anyone I needed assistance. After all, I know how these Lane people are about stuff like that. While building my in-law’s deck, my back got tired of bending. Once I had More About: Morning
Tick Tock Ya Don't Stop
2007-07-09 13:51:00 We are in Missouri at Lake of the Ozarks. Vacation? Well, not really. Remember last month when my in-laws came for a visit, and we tricked them into helping us build a porch? Turnabout is fair play. We are here helping them build a deck. We’ve also been cutting down some trees and doing other odds and ends. The other morning, I woke up to the sound of Mr. Lane saying, “Lo. Lois? Honey, wake up More About: Stop , Tick Tock , Tick
Sleepovers Are A Real Gas!
2007-06-28 17:41:00 Katie Sullivan turned seven-years-old, and she had the coolest mom on the planet. Her mom let her invite ten of her closest friends to a sleepover birthday party. And I, Lois Lane, was one of them. It was my very first sleepover, and my mom, well, let’s just say she wasn’t nearly as cool as Katie’s mom. Because there was already a houseful of kids at the Lane Estate, Mom never wanted extra kids More About: Real
If The World Had A Front Porch
2007-06-16 16:50:00 I really did spend most of my week in the garden. Boy oh boy, do weeds grow like… um… weeds. That crazy rich soil I told you guys about in the last post hasn’t just made for some purdy flowers and a bunch of weeds, I’ve also found… bones? And teeth?? Apparently, Wilbur was buried right where I wanted more flowers and I dug up some of him. Oh, Wilbur! I should have known I’d find something More About: World , The World , Front
How Does Your Garden Grow?
2007-06-10 16:31:00 Homeownership, I don’t think Mr. Lane and I have found anything we have enjoyed this much since we first got naked together. Seriously! We are really enjoying all of the projects that come with owning an 80 year old house, and being first-time-homeowners. One of the best parts for me is that a long time ago, this was a farm. The soil is crazy rich and makes for a fast growing garden, which I More About: Garden , Grow , Arden , Garde
Growing Up LaMe
2007-06-03 15:42:00 I don’t know if I ever mentioned this on the blog, but I’ve always told my kids they can date when they are 16, and not before. I figure at the age of 16, they will be working, which means they will have their own money to pay for wherever they want to go and whatever they want to do. Also, they will be driving at 16, which means they can get to and from said date. The whole thing made perfect More About: Growing , Growing Up , Grow , Lame
Double, Double, Toil & Trouble
2007-05-25 14:47:00 My old man thought he was really funny as he raced me to the Jacuzzi tub. Beating me only by seconds. Okay, so it was by several minutes, but I was still putting tools away! We both put in nearly a weeks worth of work building a wrap around front porch onto our house, but he claims to have worked harder and be “achier” than me. Whatever dude! After a long week of porch building, a guy needs to More About: Double
If I Had A Hammer
2007-05-21 20:24:00 You have reached www dot no newz home fires dot blog spot dot com. I’m sorry I am unable to tell you a story or make you laugh right now. I’m on the roof with a mouth full of nails trying to install shingles. Please leave a message after the beep, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. BEEP! More About: Hammer
Grumpy Old Men
2007-05-12 18:00:00 What do you do when two sweet little old men are about ready to duke it out? I mean, really ready to whip the shit right into each other’s depends? Screaming across the room and slowing inching their way toward each other with their walkers, they cussed and yelled back-and-forth. The one Guy “Ali” was so angry, he was red-faced and shaking so badly, his walker rocked across the floor. The
Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This
2007-05-06 18:55:00 Spring has officially sprung even at the nursing home. What is it about the fresh new season that makes people horny? I don’t know why, but most of us younger people tend to think that older folks don’t get horny. Well, my young friends, I hate to break the news to you, but they are just as bad as we are, if not worse. Nakedness is abundant at the nursing home these last few days. One of the More About: Mama , Days
The Emperor’s New Clothes
2007-04-28 15:20:00 You all remember the Danish fairy tale of the Emperor who was swindled by two alleged fashion designers, right? They promised to make him a handsome suit made from the finest of fabrics that only the smartest people could see. After putting on the imaginary suit, the Emperor was too ashamed to say he looked naked, because that meant he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the kingdom. So he pranced More About: Clothes , Cloth
Keeping The Home Fires Burning & The Kids' Heads Spinning
2007-04-21 17:38:00 I’m slowly learning how to properly torture my children. I’ve been practicing for a while now, and according to my mother, the best torture teacher on the planet, I am finally getting close. Where we used to live, there was a Dairy Queen a mile away from our house. The kids loved going and we went fairly often. Heck, you can even read about one of those times here. How I ever showed my face More About: Kids , Home , The Kids , Spinning , Burning
A Breath Of Fresh Air
2007-04-17 00:43:00 Ester, our pocket knife loving friend from the last blog post isn’t one to participate in most activities. She will rarely join the others unless you specifically invite her to come and have a snack, which often times is included in the activities. Since she is more of a loner than the rest, I’ve tried finding one on one activities that she and I can do. She makes it perfectly clear that the More About: Breath , Fresh , Brea
God Bless the Blue Haired
2007-04-13 13:17:00 Some days the senior citizens gang up against me. I think they stay up late at night, plotting revenge for anything and everything that may have gone wrong during their lives. Other days I get to be a part of their team. And we always win. Because the nursing home I am working at is a state funded facility, state employees come periodically to make sure that everyone is well taken care of, and More About: Blue , God Bless
I HEART Hoss!!!
2007-04-09 05:38:00 Hoo boy! I sure do love that Hoss fella! Thanks for keeping this ol’ blog alive while my life has been wrapped up in other stuff. The old laptop has had it. The lady who tried fixing it said she had never seen a laptop that had all of its letters worn completely off. She also said that the fan had been burning out for some time, and because I didn’t take it in sooner, most of the main components More About: Hear , I heart , Heart
Angie, Help Me Out Here
2007-04-06 01:39:00 Let's say you show up at the airport with only minutes to spare. You do not have time to spend 2 hours in line. So you dress like this, they wave you right past Homeland Security onto the plane, and -- boom! -- you're in Holland. I know, I know: You didn't want to go to Holland, but that's the only place where dress like this will be ignored. At least you didn't have to wait long. + + + + + More About: Angie , Help , Help Me , Here
Lois Has Risen
2007-03-28 02:05:00 The only rightful place to begin is to thank my dear buddy, Hoss. Without you, my friend, everyone would have stopped laughing and thought me six-feet under. Has anyone ever blogged their own funeral? Well, I ain’t dead just yet so you’ll have to wait for that one, and hopefully, it‘ll be a real long wait, so don‘t go holding your breath, folks. Hoss, from the heart of my bottom, or the bottom of More About: Rise
Sunday Was So 2007
2007-03-22 00:38:00 When I (Old Horsetail Snake) left a missive here on Sunday , I figured that would hold up until Lolo got back. But she is slow to arise in these parts. So since I still got her password: + + + + + + + + California vintners in the Napa Valley, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. Which is grand
Hoo Boy! Lolo Trusts Me
2007-03-19 03:58:00 What happened was that Lois got EXTREME BUSY and so she couldn't do no b**g. And, see, she knows you miss her so she has settled for second best: Me. In case some of you do not know me (eminently possible), I am Horsetail Snake (http://www.oldhorsetailsnake.blogspot.co m). I am 76 years old, and I am damn funny. Oh, okay: I am 76 1/2 and not funny. But I love Lois's sister, Angie, so I am More About: Trust , Rust , Trusts
Come Together
2007-03-02 15:55:00 I read somewhere that 30 minutes of shoveling snow is equivalent to running about three miles. If that is true, the kids and I, along with a few helpers, ran a marathon a couple of times this year at The Lane Estate. I have some really great friends, and so do my kids. Every time we have been ass deep in snow, they have all come to my rescue with shovel in hand. Since most of the kids hangout More About: Together , Come
The Blame Game
2007-02-27 16:01:00 Today friends we are blaming society, Mr. Lane, my warped mind, and my friend Stacie for the events you are about to read. Life is a funny little place. Stuff happens all around us, but if we are too busy taking life and ourselves too seriously, we are going to miss out on some healthy laughter. Stacie wrote a post recently that struck this memory. I dragged Mr. Lane to the store, which is a More About: Game , Blame Game , Blame , Lame
You Better Think
2007-02-23 15:19:00 There is no turning back. I have avoided blogging because Blogger said I had to switch to their new version if I ever wanted to see my blog alive again. I held out, waiting and hoping that they would realize the new version of Blogger blows spider monkeys. It just wasn’t meant to be. So here I are. And here are the blog. Who knows what it may look like once I agreed to all of the terms and More About: Think , Better , Bett
Pace Yourself
2007-02-07 16:31:00 I was talking to a friend the other day about society going down the crapper. Somehow, we started talking about the woman who microwaved her baby, which spun off into its own abyss. “What kind of twisted sonofabitch could even consider such a thing?” She asked hypothetically. I think I scared my friend when I replied, “Remember when microwaves became common place? It was a weird time More About: Yourself , Self , Your , Pace
Bubble Trouble
2007-02-05 17:03:00 Mr. Lane was going to post pictures of me in the bathtub on the blog. Why would a husband want those types of photos on the internet makes no sense whatsoever, unless you’re Mr. Lane. Lucky for me, and you, the camera was out of batteries. Seems that a certain daughter of ours used up all of the juice taking pictures of herself and the cat. My old man wasn’t trying to share my nudity with the More About: Bubble , Bubble Trouble
Proud Mary
2007-01-24 16:44:00 This is one of the silliest things my eyeballs have even seen. Ever! My friend Mary is a grandmother. We just call her Grandma Mary now. That must suck being so young and being called that by your peers. Maybe I should be nicer. Well, not really. You see that baby? He’s plastic! He is not real, people. Yet my dear friend, the doting grandmother, carries him around carefully, covers him More About: Proud , Proud Mary
These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes
2007-01-22 16:18:00 Jay Leno lied to me. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t speaking directly to me, but he did say he would be airing “the worst” of the correspondent audition tapes on Friday. So Friday night finally came. The Lane Gang sat in front of the TV hoping the audition tape I sent would not be shown. I mean really, who wants to be one of the worst?! As the segment “Who Wants to Be a Correspondent?” began, Jay More About: Dreams , Eyes , Close , Dream , When
She’s Still Preoccupied With 1985
2007-01-19 16:04:00 It’s true, I am lost in the 80s. Seems it’s been weeks since I’ve listened to any other genre of music. I go through phases, I guess, but this one is driving my kids batty. They have dubbed the title “1985” my theme song. And they couldn’t be more correct. I love that song. The Bowling for Soup “1985” lyrics are, with tiny bit of my own twist: Lois just hit the wall She never had it all More About: With , Shea , Stil , Still
Love On The Rocks
More articles from this author:2007-01-17 17:22:00 Dear Norwegian Foreign Exchange Student, I’m very happy that you found my son to be a “Hella sexy muthah fuckah.” However, I am a bit concerned about the fact that you mention his real name and location on your MySpace, along with that picture of the two of you. And no, sweetheart, he doesn’t look like Ashton Kutcher. And I hate to break it to you but, you don’t resemble a “younger, sexier Demi” More About: Love , Rock , The Rock , On the rocks , Rocks 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
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