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Bubble Trouble
2007-02-05 17:03:00
Mr. Lane was going to post pictures of me in the bathtub on the blog. Why would a husband want those types of photos on the internet makes no sense whatsoever, unless you’re Mr. Lane. Lucky for me, and you, the camera was out of batteries. Seems that a certain daughter of ours used up all of the juice taking pictures of herself and the cat. My old man wasn’t trying to share my nudity with the
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Proud Mary
2007-01-24 16:44:00
This is one of the silliest things my eyeballs have even seen. Ever! My friend Mary is a grandmother. We just call her Grandma Mary now. That must suck being so young and being called that by your peers. Maybe I should be nicer. Well, not really. You see that baby? He’s plastic! He is not real, people. Yet my dear friend, the doting grandmother, carries him around carefully, covers him
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These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes
2007-01-22 16:18:00
Jay Leno lied to me. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t speaking directly to me, but he did say he would be airing “the worst” of the correspondent audition tapes on Friday. So Friday night finally came. The Lane Gang sat in front of the TV hoping the audition tape I sent would not be shown. I mean really, who wants to be one of the worst?! As the segment “Who Wants to Be a Correspondent?” began, Jay
More About: Dreams , Eyes , Close , Dream , When

She’s Still Preoccupied With 1985
2007-01-19 16:04:00
It’s true, I am lost in the 80s. Seems it’s been weeks since I’ve listened to any other genre of music. I go through phases, I guess, but this one is driving my kids batty. They have dubbed the title “1985” my theme song. And they couldn’t be more correct. I love that song. The Bowling for Soup “1985” lyrics are, with tiny bit of my own twist: Lois just hit the wall She never had it all
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Love On The Rocks
2007-01-17 17:22:00
Dear Norwegian Foreign Exchange Student, I’m very happy that you found my son to be a “Hella sexy muthah fuckah.” However, I am a bit concerned about the fact that you mention his real name and location on your MySpace, along with that picture of the two of you. And no, sweetheart, he doesn’t look like Ashton Kutcher. And I hate to break it to you but, you don’t resemble a “younger, sexier Demi”
More About: Love , Rock , The Rock , On the rocks , Rocks

We’re Not Gonna Take It
2007-01-16 16:36:00
I’ve not been much up for blogging lately. Well, I am writing every day, just not posting. Blogger has been acting up ever since they introduced the “new improved” whatever. Hey Blogger people, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Sheesh! Little of what I have been writing is funny, and rather than bore you with plain old life and work, I don’t post. It’s a win, win. Today I have the best news
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Is Blogger Going To Work Today?
2007-01-10 16:17:00
What a pain in the ass Blog ger has been lately. Anyhoo, here is what I was fixin’ to post yesterday, or was it the day before?? So there I was, minding my very own business, singing happily (maybe even on key, maybe). “I only think of you on two occasions. That’s day and night.” “Ummm… yeah, only, Mommy, that’s pretty stalkery. Did your generation cause law enforcement agencies to enact
More About: Work , Today , Logger

Angels Among Us
2007-01-05 16:37:00
Good people still exist. Who knew? After my car was given the hit and run treatment, I got an attitude. Well, I had one before that, but back to the point at hand. I was really pissed. I was sure society as a whole was headed down the shitter and I was ready to go along willingly. Why be nice? Why volunteer? Fuck it. “P.S. our police force blows donkeys, where can I join in on some illegal
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Under Construction
2007-01-02 15:43:00
Poor Mr. Lane, he really got his ass in a sling this time. Unsuspecting, he began discussing installing cabinets and counters with me over coffee Saturday morning. Before he knew it, we were tearing down the ceiling in our kitchen. Make that… two ceilings in our kitchen. All he wanted was to move the stove to the center of the wall, and put countertops and cabinets on either side of it, but
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See You Next Year
2006-12-29 16:47:00
Remember last week when I said I was thankful my kids are growing into the mature, selfless adults? Here’s proof: Two days before we left for Missouri, these mature little creatures were surfing the net together and found a song about boogers. Obviously they thought it was hysterical. Maybe mature was a tiny stretch. Lane 2 got a haircut for Christmas. Even though Lane 1 needed one
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Merry merry and happy happy to y’all
2006-12-22 17:03:00
I’m leaving for Missouri in a few and just wanted to wish everyone a great Christmasorwhateveritisyoucelebrate. See you next week! Love you all!
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DUCK! Flying Shitballs!
2006-12-20 15:29:00
I think we have all been there. The forces that be decide, “Today is just going to suck, get used to it!” I try to keep an upbeat attitude. Life has thrown a ton of shitballs my way, and because “That is life,” I continue forward and try to take something positive from each experience, or said shitball. Today I am still trying to find the positive from last Friday. I guess some people may
More About: Flying , Balls , Shit , Lying , Duck

You Want What?
2006-12-18 17:24:00
My sister Anita is in surgery as I type. Please send good vibes to her and her stupid gall bladder and the surgeon who is plucking it out. How’s that for a Christmas present? She’ll likely be laid up and feeling crappy, so I hope Santa is extra good to her this year. Speaking of Santa, we Lanes have asked for some really weird shit. The kids, for the most part, have outgrown toys. Sure they
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You’ll Rot Your Brain Out
2006-12-14 15:34:00
I probably don’t have to tell you guys how stupid I am. I have no idea how or why I forgot to tell you this. When my in-laws gave us all of that wonderful furniture and stuff listed a few posts ago, they also gave us a 42 inch TV. We have this loft in the new house and decided it would one day be our TV room. It’s upstairs and out of the way. It is a perfect lounging area. Before they gave
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Great Balls Of Fire
2006-12-12 16:38:00
Or maybe the title today should have been, Great Galls Of Bladder, only that isn’t a song and doesn’t really make sense. But the reason for today’s post name is because my sister Anita is getting her gall bladder removed soon. She’s been feeling pretty lousy lately, and after loads of tests, her doctor determined that only about 8% of the dang thing is working. So please wish my big sis lots of
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Voices Dance In My Head
2006-12-08 17:27:00
What a crazy week it has been. Actually, maybe the craziness started last week and has trickled over onto this week. Could it be life has always been crazy and now I’ve reached a point in my life where it actually affects me? There’s something to ponder over a bowl of oatmeal. It’s still really cold here. The windchill is -12, which is ridiculous. Snow remains piled by the feet at the new
More About: Voice , Dance , Head , VOIC

Uncle Giant We Will Miss You
2006-10-18 14:39:08
An amazing man.
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Lois Lane Loves Is Nuts
2006-10-18 14:39:08
Thank you all for the condolences yesterday, it means a lot to me and the rest of the Lane Gang. Now, for the story I wasn?t ready to share last week, while in the midst of the princess saga? I was called out. It was like a triple dog dare, without the regular dare or double dare. They ganged up on me. They pushed me. They peer pressured me. Do you know who they are? A group of bloggers and fellow Ross Mathews fans, forced me into sending in an audition tape to The Tonight Show. The show is looking for another correspondent and for whatever reason, these goofballs wonderful people, think I?d make a good one. I thought about what I could do for an audition. I mean, I?m not a TV person. I?m more of a behind the scenes kind of a chick. I love to write. It?s what I do best, I think. But their powers were stronger than mine and I said okay before I gave it much thought. Before long I was calling my local community college and university, looking for someone in a comm...
More About: Love , Nuts

Part 8?The End?
2006-10-12 20:24:03
This is the conclusion from the seven posts below. If you are just now tuning in, it?s a long story. I?m taking the rest of the week off to pack and clean in preparations of our move. So take your time, this post and the ones below aren?t going anywhere. After the tournament, we were tired. Rather than going out with teammates to celebrate, we headed home. It took all of my inner strength to not return Mr. Lane?s call. My mind raced a mile a minute as I drove home. Passing the mall on the way, I caught myself looking for his truck. I?d become pathetic. I saw myself turning into one of those people who annoy the shit out of me. I turned the radio up loudly, opened the car window and turned off my brain while listening to my kids sing. When I pulled into the driveway, the front door popped open and out came Mr. Lane. ?Didn?t you get my messages?? ?Yeah. I just don?t like to talk and drive. What did you want?? I headed for the house. He stopped me by wra...
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Part 7?Rollercoaster Ride
2006-10-12 02:03:05
This is a continuation from the six posts below. Biting off more than I can chew is my forte. But my heart told me that seventeen years of a life that we built on love, compassion, trust and each other?s harebrained ideas, couldn?t be broken by something stupid like hurt feelings. I watched TV for about 20 minutes and fell asleep. My mind was overwhelmed and sleep was my sanctuary. I awoke during the night, with my old man at my side. I got up to check on the kids. Who by the way, still barricaded the door at night since the first night our houseguest came along. There was a silent calm in the air. The Lane Estate felt like home again. Maybe a little nap was all I needed. I told myself tomorrow would be a better day as I looked at my princess sleeping peacefully on the couch. Bright and early we were up and having coffee. I was still getting the silent treatment from Jane, but I cared a lot less. A funny thing happened, for more than a week, I had a second ...
More About: Ride , Roll , Part , Coast , Roller

Part 6?Outcast
2006-10-10 19:54:04
This is a continuation from the five posts below. It?s coming to an end, I swear. Jane?s family seemed to want her home, but telling her that we knew where home really was seemed impossible. Her aunt and uncle took a plane to Illinois. They just wanted to see her. Mr. Lane and I hoped they would approach her and take her home. They rented a car and drove by our house. I took Jane outside to help me winterize the garden just so they could get a good look at her. I saw the car parked down my street and tried not to look at it. Knowing we were being watched was an odd feeling. More than anything I wanted them to pull into our driveway and be reunited. Instead, they drove away and called to say thanks. And then they were back on a plane. I tried several times to throw out hints but the conversation went nowhere. Dealing with someone who is mentally unstable is not my forte. I had no idea where to begin. I asked Lois if she would just call and talk to her sister but she did...
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Part 5 ? Mystery Unravels
2006-10-09 19:48:03
This is a continuation from the four posts below. Lois told me that when Jane began her travels fifteen years earlier, she was trying to escape a recurring nightmare. A pain she couldn?t shake. She tried with all of her heart and soul to runaway from her memories. Her life was no longer that of a princess in a fairytale. Sure, she still had millions of dollars, but her life, as she knew it,
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Part 4 ? Sister-2-Sister
2006-10-06 19:24:04
This is a continuation from the three posts below. Feel free to scroll down and catch up. I?ll wait right here for you. Lois Patrice of Fox Bluff, Tennessee (not actual location) stood out like a sore thumb. I?d been scrolling page after page of listings with the last name of Patrice. I guess when I saw my own first name, next to my best friend?s first name, living in the same town as my best
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Part 3 ? The Sandstorm
2006-10-06 01:06:06
If you are just now tuning in, you landed smack-dab in the midst of a continuation from the two posts below. Feel free to scroll down and catch up. I?ll wait right here for you. Like I already said, everything happens for a reason. I believe this with all of my heart. It wasn?t time for me to know why all of these things were happening, but I was given a couple more clues to let me know I was
More About: Storm , Sand , Stor , Part , Part 3

Part 2
2006-10-04 18:54:06
If you are just now tuning in, this is part two. See the post below for part one. The drive home seemed longer than the ride out. And my Jane Doe friend didn?t have much to say. Mr. Lane called four more times and eventually, I told him what was going on. After he yelled loud enough for her to hear, I said, ?Babe, remember two years ago, truck stop, Greyhound? Okay then, fair is fair, so zip
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Reason # 847 Why Lois Is Somewhat Absent
2006-10-03 18:48:07
If you have been paying attention to this blog and all of these sporadic posts, I thank you. To say the least life has been nonstop busy and insane for months. I?m feeling the need for a vacation, badly. The biggest and most odd news of all is that? Before I mention anything, don?t get mad at me or freak out, like my mom and Mr. Lane did initially. Last week as I was running some
More About: What , Hat , Reason , Some

Thumb War
2006-09-27 00:00:02
Life is busy as ever. But I had to take a minute to tell you about my old man. I married the funniest guy on the planet. The best part about him is he doesn?t even know how funny he really is. The other day we were coming back from the farm and a guy rolled the stop sign, nearly T-boning our car. Mr. Lane hardly ever gets pissed off. This time it was different. This time, some bastard was in such a hurry that he endangered Mr. Lane?s whole family. This time, Mr. Lane was pissed off but good. He wailed on his horn and flipped the guy? the thumb. Oh my god! It was by far, the funniest thing the kids and I ever saw. Ever. He was so angry, he used the wrong finger, and now, every time one of us gets pissed off, we flip the other person the thumb.
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Love Shack
2006-09-27 00:00:02
We started again. I should say, Mr. Lane started again. He wants to move and he wants to move now. He is a real pain in the ass when he wants something. I feel like Yo-yo Lo, packing, unpacking, repacking, it?s been crazy. I?ve looked at more houses, in more towns, and researched more schools in the last few weeks, than normal people do in a lifetime. That would be one of the many reasons why I
More About: Love , Hack , Shack

A Hero We Will Never Forget
2006-09-25 17:48:03
The neglectful blogger apologizes to you immensely. Life is still a crazy and busy place. I hope to fill you in soon. In the meantime, Uncle Giant needs lots of good vibes, prayers and anything else you?ve got. As the five year anniversary to 9-11 approaches, I feel this is important to share. I know a lot of times we see links and don?t click because we have no time or we think they aren?t
More About: Will , Ever , Never , Hero , Forge

Thumb War
2006-09-25 17:48:03
Life is busy as ever. But I had to take a minute to tell you about my old man. I married the funniest guy on the planet. The best part about him is he doesn?t even know how funny he really is. The other day we were coming back from the farm and a guy rolled the stop sign, nearly T-boning our car. Mr. Lane hardly ever gets pissed off. This time it was different. This time, some bastard was in
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