Home FiresHome FiresI\'m a comedy writer and freelance journalist who was born into a great cast of characters. Home Fires gives a daily glimpse into my funny and often crazy life. 
Articles
Stormy Weathers
2006-09-08 21:39:07 When I was little and had the occasional tantrum, my dad would call me Stor m y. He did that to all of us and would sometimes breakout in song, ?Stormy weathers?? I?ve been pretty stormy lately. While I?ve been bitching at home about all of the time wasted packing and unpacking for a move that never happened, I stopped thinking about how lucky I really am. Yesterday a storm blew through and reminded me. I even caught myself humming that song my dad used to sing. Winds kicked up, temperatures dropped, the sky grew dark, then green, tornado sirens blared, lighting lit up the murky jade atmosphere, thunder shook the windows and felt strong enough to take your heart clean out of your chest. Today, nearby Rockford is under several feet of water. It?s the worst flood there in over 30 years. Another nearby community had a tornado touch down destroying a couple of farms and some crops. Here, immediately after the storm, this is what greeted us at the Lane Estate: From the right sid... More About: Weather , Hers
A Hero We Will Never Forget
2006-09-08 21:39:07 The neglectful blogger apologizes to you immensely. Life is still a crazy and busy place. I hope to fill you in soon. In the meantime, Uncle Giant needs lots of good vibes, prayers and anything else you?ve got. As the five year anniversary t 9-11 approaches, I feel this is important to share. I know a lot of times we see links and don?t click because we have no time or we think they aren?t very important, this link is different. It will show you the final resting place for all of those whose bodies were not recovered at Ground Zero. Are you sick of hearing and reading about 9-11? I am too. And so are the families who run this organization. But it?s time this dirty little secret has come to light. Did you know that the city cleared Ground Zero by placing the debris in a garbage dump? Did you know that along with that debris there were thousands of victims? bone and tissue fragments? I didn?t either. My friend Rose lost her son Bobby. He was in the South Tower trying to help th... More About: Will , Ever , Never , Hero , Forge
Stormy Weathers
2006-09-05 21:21:06 When I was little and had the occasional tantrum, my dad would call me Stor m y. He did that to all of us and would sometimes breakout in song, ?Stormy weathers?? I?ve been pretty stormy lately. While I?ve been bitching at home about all of the time wasted packing and unpacking for a move that never happened, I stopped thinking about how lucky I really am. Yesterday a storm blew through and More About: Weather , Hers
More About The Move That Wasn?t
2006-09-05 21:21:06 For those of you who asked, yes, the move is out. Does that mean I am giving up? I don?t think so. I didn?t want to move anyhow. The job aspect was the only thing that made me want to relocate. But you can?t uproot your entire family to a location that blows donkeys because you might have a cool job. Mr. Lane wanted to relocate to be closer to his dad in Missouri. His idea came with no plan, no More About: Hat , About , Move , More , That
Curveball # 8,427
2006-09-05 21:21:06 That crazy little thing called life went and changed everything, once again. Remember our planned move? It?s unplanned now. This is a long post, thanks in advance if you make it all the way through. The move was centered around the fact that my in-laws bought a home in Missouri and Mr. Lane wanted to move closer to them. Actually, he wanted to move to Missouri. After researching the job market, More About: Curve , Ball
Bombs Away!
2006-09-05 21:21:06 You know how some people clean for company as opposed to how they keep the house presentable in normal day-to-day? I?ve never really been much for that type of guest cleaning. The house is in the not too shabby state or the in the event of drive-by visitors state, always. My old man however, feels it is of the utmost importance that everything be picture perfect for guests. On the phone the More About: Bomb , Away , Bombs
More About The Move That Wasn?t
2006-08-31 20:48:21 For those of you who asked, yes, the move is out. Does that mean I am giving up? I don?t think so. I didn?t want to move anyhow. The job aspect was the only thing that made me want to relocate. But you can?t uproot your entire family to a location that blows donkeys because you might have a cool job. Mr. Lane wanted to relocate to be closer to his dad in Missouri. His idea came with no plan, no secure job and not enough thought. I put in the time and effort of researching job markets and schools because it was something he really wanted. We talked a lot about the move and not moving and decided here is the best place for us all right now. I can carry on doing freelance work at home. I really liked the idea of working outside of my house again. There?s a lot of freedom in that. Plus there aren?t a million interruptions in any given day. When I?m writing, I get on a roll and don?t want to stop. At home, I have to stop often for house stuff, kid stuff, husband stuff. In an office, I ... More About: Hat , About , Move , More , That
Curveball # 8,427
2006-08-30 02:30:13 That crazy little thing called life went and changed everything, once again. Remember our planned move? It?s unplanned now. This is a long post, thanks in advance if you make it all the way through. The move was centered around the fact that my in-laws bought a home in Missouri and Mr. Lane wanted to move closer to them. Actually, he wanted to move to Missouri. After researching the job market, and finding out that there isn?t one there, I had to come up with a quick and fair compromise. Southern Illinois is four hours from the in-law?s new house and four hours from my mom?s and the rest of the family. Mr. Lane and I discussed it at great length and decided that location was a fair compromise. I researched the schools and properties from the internet. I called chambers of commerce in all of the cities in our buying area, to obtain more information. I made appointments for us to go look at houses one weekend. All four of us piled into the car for a five-plus hour drive in search ... More About: Curve , Ball
When Good Moms Go Mean
2006-08-25 14:18:02 I got into a somewhat heated debate with my 11-year-old daughter the other day. She flat out told me I was being mean. I didn?t get into the parenting business to be friends with 11-year-olds, so it didn?t strike me as an upsetting statement as she intended. The argument was about scissors. No, not running with them, because I may have encouraged her. We went school supply shopping. I pushed the cart and she held the list. One thing I hate about schools is the fact that they can?t purchase their own baby wipes. I hoped to be finished with the baby crap aisle at the store when my kids could make it to the crapper on their own. But no. The school list had baby wipes listed as a must have. I dropped about 100 bucks on baby wipes, Kleenex, loose-leaf paper, Ziploc baggies; gallon and quart size, notebooks, assignment book, pencils, pens; red ones, black ones, blue ones, gel ones, crayons, markers, thin and thick, colored pencils, glue; bottle and stick, Scotch tape, protractor, compass... More About: When , Moms , Good
Redemption
2006-08-25 14:18:02 This crow is pretty tasty. I?ve been chewing on it for a couple of days. Mom read that she?d been fired and worked out a scheme to redeem herself. Coffee flowed freely, and food was at my beck and call. She even helped me with my homework one night. Having to rehire her after pulling a Donald Trump on her ass was not exactly fun, but slowly, I am getting used to the idea. I had to write a sketch for The Second City. I don?t know if it was because I was going on a week without quality time with my old man, or if it was simply a random idea that popped into my head, but I ended up writing about sex and cooking. Odd combinations were encouraged in the exercise called clash of context. Mom is a big fan of the Food Network. Hell, even before that channel came in to play, Mom watched Julia Child on PBS. We grew up thinking the drunk cooking lady on the TV was a relative. That?s how often she was on in our house. So I sat at Mom?s computer (yes, she even shared that) trying to get my... More About: Redemption , Rede
My Mother Is Fired!
2006-08-25 14:18:02 I hereby announce, my mother is fired. There was no coffee ready and waiting for me upon my arrival this evening. I was also forced to fend for myself when I was hungry. Should she redeem herself in the morning and win my love back, I will make another announcement. Until then, she is fired! Thank you, Lois The Donald Lane More About: Other , Mother , Fire , Fired
The Name Game
2006-08-25 14:18:02 Mr. Lane has issues. Most of you know about his trouble with song lyrics, but did you know he also has trouble remembering people?s names? Thankfully for him, not mine, but just about everyone else?s name escapes him. We used to have a neighbor named Bill. Mr. Lane always called him Bob. I corrected the first few times but gave up when Bill got used to being called the wrong name. Finally one night over beer and brats, Bill said, ?I have a brother named Bob.? It was his way of beating around the bush to tell Mr. Lane that he had been calling him by the wrong name, for months. ?Why would your mom name you both Bob?? Mr. Lane asked. Bill and I looked at each other and laughed. Mr. Lane didn?t get the joke. A few days later, Bill came over wearing a shirt that had his name embroidered on it. It was so funny to me and Bill. It was even funnier when Mr. Lane asked him whose shirt he was wearing and Bill replied with, ?Oh I don?t know. Just picked it up at the thrift store. ... More About: The N , Name , Game
New Book Series
2006-08-25 14:18:02 This day and age, inappropriate response runs rampant, like a rash one might contract from spending one night in Bangkok. So today, we will revisit Friday?s blog subject. Sometimes Mommies Die is a childhood book, an instant classic, even. It teaches kids the way life really is. I will share with you some of the book titles from the series, Sometimes Mommies Die and you can add your own in the comments. Sometimes Your Sister is a Whore but She Did Help Daddy Get His Promotion Sometimes Teachers Know You?re Dumb Sometimes Santa Doesn?t Bring Little Bastards Presents Sometimes Santa Ass Slams Rudolph, Which is How He Got So Famous Sometimes You Really Should Run With Scissors Sometimes Strangers Don?t Just Have the Best Candy, They Also Have Really Cool Dungeons in Their Basements Sometimes Daddies Drink, Pop Pills, Eat Pussy and Move on Down the Road Sometimes Hookers Give Daddies the Clap and it?s Nothing to Applaud Sometimes Mommies Use Meth Because Diets Just Don?t W... More About: Series , Book , Serie , Erie
Bombs Away!
2006-08-25 14:18:02 You know how some people clean for company as opposed to how they keep the house presentable in normal day-to-day? I?ve never really been much for that type of guest cleaning. The house is in the not too shabby state or the in the event of drive-by visitors state, always. My old man however, feels it is of the utmost importance that everything be picture perfect for guests. On the phone the other day, he gave me an earful because Hoss and Vicki were coming over. Nearly panicked, he asked, ?Did you clean the house?? ?God, you act like the house is a pigsty. I did the dishes after dinner but that?s about it.? ?What about the floors?? ?They are fine.? ?Lo, do you really want people seeing the house in less than perfect condition, especially the first time you meet?? ?I really don?t think Hoss and Vicki are coming to inspect the cleanliness of our humble abode. Besides, I did all the major crap on the weekend.? He offered up a disgusted sigh of sorts and agreed to disagree. ... More About: Bomb , Away , Bombs
Inappropriate Response
2006-08-23 14:15:03 Inappropriate response is one of the many things we talked about at The Second City. It is a quick way to grab your audience. And sometimes, shock value can be really funny. Like an unexpected joke that smacks you upside the head. As an exercise our teacher got us started with, ?My mother just died.? Classmate Al responded with a huge smile, saying, ?That?s terrific! She was a real bitch!? More About: Prop , Response
New Book Series
2006-08-23 14:15:03 This day and age, inappropriate response runs rampant, like a rash one might contract from spending one night in Bangkok. So today, we will revisit Friday?s blog subject. Sometimes Mommies Die is a childhood book, an instant classic, even. It teaches kids the way life really is. I will share with you some of the book titles from the series, Sometimes Mommies Die and you can add your own in the More About: Series , Book , Serie , Erie
The Name Game
2006-08-23 14:15:03 Mr. Lane has issues. Most of you know about his trouble with song lyrics, but did you know he also has trouble remembering people?s names? Thankfully for him, not mine, but just about everyone else?s name escapes him. We used to have a neighbor named Bill. Mr. Lane always called him Bob. I corrected the first few times but gave up when Bill got used to being called the wrong name. Finally one More About: The N , Name , Game
My Mother Is Fired!
2006-08-23 14:15:03 I hereby announce, my mother is fired. There was no coffee ready and waiting for me upon my arrival this evening. I was also forced to fend for myself when I was hungry. Should she redeem herself in the morning and win my love back, I will make another announcement. Until then, she is fired! Thank you, Lois The Donald Lane More About: Other , Mother , Fire , Fired
Redemption
2006-08-23 14:15:03 This crow is pretty tasty. I?ve been chewing on it for a couple of days. Mom read that she?d been fired and worked out a scheme to redeem herself. Coffee flowed freely, and food was at my beck and call. She even helped me with my homework one night. Having to rehire her after pulling a Donald Trump on her ass was not exactly fun, but slowly, I am getting used to the idea. I had to write a More About: Redemption , Rede
When Good Moms Go Mean
More articles from this author:2006-08-23 14:15:03 I got into a somewhat heated debate with my 11-year-old daughter the other day. She flat out told me I was being mean. I didn?t get into the parenting business to be friends with 11-year-olds, so it didn?t strike me as an upsetting statement as she intended. The argument was about scissors. No, not running with them, because I may have encouraged her. We went school supply shopping. I pushed the More About: When , Moms , Good 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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