Home FiresHome FiresI\'m a comedy writer and freelance journalist who was born into a great cast of characters. Home Fires gives a daily glimpse into my funny and often crazy life. 
Articles
I Want You Back
2008-05-08 16:00:00 I had no intentions of becoming the newer, cuter, Monty Hall. So how is it that I have more stuff to give away? Well as it turns out, the last contest was so well-received that an anonymous donor came to me and said, "Lois, you sexy hunk of love..." Okay, so maybe this person said, "I have an idea!" Unlike Monty, I will not have a goat hiding behind curtain number 1. The idea is to give away a More About: Back
Winnah, Winnah, We Have A Winnah!!
2008-04-29 00:43:00 I'm going to have to check the pulse here at Home Fires. It seems somewhat dead around these parts. The MySpace version of this blog is kicking ass and taking names. And this one, not so much. I miss writing everyday but realize everyone can't be here to read everyday. This once a week-ish stuff is good for all of us, I believe. Is it time for this ol' blog to retire? I wouldn't want to give it
Hoing Out Home Fires
2008-04-13 21:32:00 Last night was so incredibly fun. I wish I could have taken you all with me. But, lucky for you, I have the next best thing. Contest time, people!!! This time I am just going to whore out my blog and whoever brings me the most comments is going to win... a DVD of David Nickerson's comedy! But wait there's more... it's an autographed copy!!! It's been way too long since we've had a good contest. More About: Home , Fires
Reeling In The Years
2008-03-28 14:12:00 "I thought you were laying dead in a ditch somewhere!" I know, I know, I'm slacking here. And no, I'm not laying dead anywhere. Trust me, if I do die an untimely death, my family will have a funeral service set up via live feed. Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned. It's been almost two weeks since my last post. Good gravy! Why do I feel so guilty when I don't blog? Speaking of Catholic guilt... More About: Years
I Go Crazy
2008-03-17 13:22:00 I spent the weekend at my in-law's in Missouri. It was a last minute unplanned visit, but it went really well. Normally I am not much a fan of anything unplanned. I need to know what is going on well in advance. I'm anal, what can you do? The worst part of the trip was accepting my son, Lane 1 driving us there. He has his learners permit. He and I have spent lots of hours practicing. I've taken More About: Crazy
Be careful What You Wish For
2008-03-08 15:25:00 Everyone and their brother is now on the bandwagon with the Law of Attraction (LOA). Well hells bells, Oprah said so. Anyone who knows me well, knows I loved Oprah a long time ago. For me, her show "Jumped the Shark" when she was dieting and brought out a wagon of fat to symbolize her weight loss. I haven't watched her since. Sure I may be missing out on some really good stuff, but the reality is More About: Careful
I'm Bossy
2008-03-01 15:25:00 Mr. Lane is a little bitch when it comes to town gossip. I swear he is worse than any woman I have ever come across. This local barber guy is in his 90s and always butchers the crap out of Mr. Lane’s hair. Hell, he butchers everyone’s hair. Hence, he is known in these parts as Bill the Butcher. Seriously, everyone in town calls him that. But everyone goes to Bill’s Butchery, I mean Barbershop. More About: Bossy
Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs
2008-02-23 16:18:00 Today is the third year anniversary of losing my dad, and I'm finally feeling acceptance. Weird, huh? I've always been a little slow, so this comes as no great shock to me. I was really lucky to have such a good guy in my life. This is not going to be some dead daddy day pitty party, so it's okay, keep reading. Acceptance takes the tears and turns them into smiles, flooded with good memories. More About: Signs
Wild World
2008-02-16 19:32:00 We've only been in our new town for a year, which means, we are still learning of new places to shop and eat. We went to a Mexican restaurant a few nights ago for an early Valentine's Day family date. Yeah, because nothing says, "I love you!" quite like refried beans or its aftermath. The waitress seated us, and said, "You all havin' the buff-et (pronouncing the T) or ya need menus?" Trying More About: World , Wild
The Butcher, The Baker & Candle Stick Maker
2008-02-09 17:03:00 Most of you know, Mr. Lane in a really good baker. I believe I've posted sexy kitchen pictures of him here before. Seriously, there isn't anything sexier to me than a man baking chocolate goodies. But I'm kind of waiting for him to tell me he is going into business making candles next. Mr. Lane has done so many things in his life and career. Make that careers. In our younger years, he job More About: Maker , Stick , Candle , Baker
It's That Damned Old Rodeo
2008-02-02 14:29:00 Hey you, you cute little blog buddy! How the hell are you? It's been so long. I know my last post was a bit whinish. Sorry I get caught up in thinking a little too often. Today is a brand spanking new day, and the only whining you will hear (read) will be from my sister Angie, providing she leaves a comment. Because today, my wonderful bunch of coconuts, I'm going to share one of the most More About: Rodeo
Fuck The Pain Away
2008-01-26 15:56:00 How's that for a title? It made you think, huh? Well it just so happens to be a song, like most blog titles of mine. So I am running with it and the devil. Sometimes, even Lois Lane likes it on the raunchy side. Here's a link to the song if you want to hear it for yourself. Seriously how can a closet Barry Manilow fan, a Fanilow if you will, enjoy such crap music like that? I have no clue. And More About: Pain , Fuck
She's The Queen Of My Doublewide Trailer
2008-01-22 16:40:00 This weekend we really crapped out. We started pulling more things apart in this 80-plus year old house, only to decide it was too cold and we were too tired to finish. I guess that is how projects can overrun your house. We aren't that bad... yet. You can see in some of my latest photos here that random furniture seems scattered, which it really is, but it isn't something that can be remedied More About: Trailer , Queen , The Queen
Who Let The Dogs Out?
2008-01-20 19:16:00 What are you doing this doggone Sunday? We Lanes tore some more stuff up in the house and then decided it was too cold to finish. I'll be here if you need me. More About: Dogs , Who Let the Dogs Out
Under Pressure
2008-01-13 15:29:00 Here we are, half of a month into the new year and I've yet to tell you guys about our Christmas. It was very redneck. Something was amiss. I don't know exactly what was wrong with us, but we just couldn't seem to get into the mood. Normally, I'm not into it but the rest of the Lanes can get me going. This time, no one was really up for all of the hoopla. We didn't go out to the tree farm this
Catatouille
2008-01-07 15:59:00 Should the boy ever become despondent or think he isn't a handsome little devil, I'll show him all of those nice comments you guys left in the post below. Thank you for sympathizing with me. He is getting his driving permit tomorrow. It's a really exciting time for him, and a scary one for me. I am so not ready for this stage of the game. I know I said this isn't a pet blog and I would refrain
It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp
2007-12-31 18:09:00 You can't always protect them. You can't swaddle them in bubble wrap and keep them safe and sound. But you can overreact. Being a parent is tough sometimes. I had my heart completely broken for my son. Poor Lane 1 was taken for a ride by a local bimbo. Sure she is just a kid too. Maybe she isn't a bimbo or a tramp. Maybe she is just someone who makes poor choices. At any rate, she used and abused More About: Pimp , Hard
The Leader Of The Pack, Vroom Vrooom!
2007-12-19 16:14:00 You ever see The Dog Whisperer? I friggin’ love that show. I loved it way before Daisy and Darla came into my life. Now I can actually apply what I learn… As Seen on TV. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I’ve gotten the whole family into Cesar Milan’s show and all of his “chhh” ways. I use “shhh” and “No” just because that is what works for me. If you haven’t seen the show, here’s a mini description. More About: Pack , The Pack , Leader , The Leader
Holiday Hoopla: Take 4
2007-12-10 17:42:00 Oh the in-laws. You know there isn’t much more than them to send me into a raging case of Turret’s Syndrome, right? Only, my mother in-law isn’t a fan of all that fuckery, so rather than cursing up a blue streak, I resorted to less colorful phrases during my bouts. Like, when I finally settled in after being up all night with the puppies, I simply asked, “For Heaven’s sake! Where in Sam Hill More About: Holiday
Holiday Hoopla: Take 3 (See below for parts 1 & 2)
2007-12-06 15:43:00 Have you seen Man Vs. Wild? If you have, you can jump ahead a couple of paragraphs. It’s a new program where a man is dumped off in the wilderness to fend for himself. He faces lots of obstacles along the way. In his survival, he must find his own sources of food and water. Why? I have no clue. I mean, it isn’t like any of his viewing audience is ever going to be in that situation or need to More About: Holiday , Parts
Holiday Hoopla: Take 2 (See post below for part 1.)
2007-11-30 15:48:00 Now I remember why I stopped blogging every single day. No one had time to read my ramblings that often. But, even though there are very few comments from readers of my last post, I’m forging ahead with part two, because… damn it, I said I would. I was positive the weekend was going to suck. In my head, Kanye sang, “n- n- now th- that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.” I’m pretty ghetto More About: Holiday , Post , Part , Belo
Holiday Hoopla: Take 1
2007-11-27 14:57:00 Happy Thanksgiving late all y’all. Sorry I didn’t send my best wishes in the last post. I was a hopeful blogger before the holiday snuck by, only it didn’t turn out quite as I had planned. Thanksgiving wasn't a total train wreck, yay! I had this image of how fucked up things would be and guess what?!?! It wasn’t too bad. Our plans included going to my mom’s house. We were going to arrive early More About: Holiday
With Arms Wide Open
2007-11-17 23:47:00 I’ve been hiding something from all of you for some time. My own mother doesn’t even know. I’ve hinted in her general direction, but just never could find the right words. I should have been honest because you have always stood right beside me in all of my decisions and insanity, as my family members have also. I don’t know why I’ve been so closed-lipped about this latest development in my life. More About: Open , Wide , Arms
DQ Reporting For Duty
2007-11-12 15:14:00 Sorry for being MIA again. Life gets crazy and busy and sometimes just plain stupid. I’m still without my laptop, which is the tiniest issue right now. My brother in-law Congo, Mary’s husband, had a heart attack. Actually, he had two. One was earlier in the week. He had to undergo angioplasty. He’ll be in the hospital for a few more days. They say he’ll be okay, but it’s still scary shit. More About: Duty
The Funnel Of Love
2007-10-28 13:13:00 If you put a funnel down the front of your pants, bend your upper body backward, and balance a coin on your forehead, can you make that coin land in the funnel? Mr. Lane can. He’s amazingly patient and has great aim. Too bad me and the kids played another nasty little trick on him. What’s worse than that is I can’t get this family computer to talk to the video camera. I caught another practical More About: Love
Hurts So Good
2007-10-21 17:48:00 Damn it all. I had this nice long post for you and guess what? My computer pooped out. Well, the cord did. Now with no battery power, I am not able to access anything on my laptop. So here I am stuck using the family computer. Which, by the way, is a total piece of shit. Eventually I’ll buy a replacement cord and all will be right with the world. Eventually. I’ll do my best to recreate the More About: Good
Don't Look Back
2007-10-06 16:51:00 Dear Argyle Texas, hi. I don't know you. I mean, I don't think I do, but you have made me smile. Thank you for taking the time to read through the archives here. I see on the site meter that you have read for several hours on end, over a period of a couple of days. It means a lot to me, really. Sometimes it seems as though people aren't interested in blogs of yesterday let alone yesteryear. There More About: Back
Ants In Your Pants?
2007-09-29 16:20:00 Hi you twisted little monkeys! If you aren't twisted, click "next blog" fast. This is one of those "Plucked from the pit of my ass" posts. It's not going to be nearly as shitty as that one post about infants crapping in sinks, but it's pretty close. With that warning out of the way, I bring to you twisted thoughts of crabs, by Lois Lane. We've all heard of crotch crickets, and if you've read More About: Pants , Ants
Come Go With Me
More articles from this author:2007-09-22 15:38:00 I don’t know why no one has made a movie or sitcom based in a nursing home. Sure there are moments where humor is the last thing on anyone’s mind there, but mostly, we are having a good time. Even when we aren’t having fun, we can look back and laugh our heads off at some of the goings-on. This week, was no exception. Celebrating Houdini's 80th birthday didn't go exactly as planned. He needed to 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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