Home FiresHome FiresI\'m a comedy writer and freelance journalist who was born into a great cast of characters. Home Fires gives a daily glimpse into my funny and often crazy life. Articles
When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
2009-12-17 16:01:00 So much has been going on around here I barely know where to begin. How about, I cram ten pounds of shit into this five-pound blog?! First and foremost, if you are my “friend” on Facebook, you may have already seen some of these pictures but you don’t know the whole story. My cousins, planned an amazing send off to an amazing man. Uncle Eddie was under hospice care and knew he was nearing the end More About: Eyes , Irish
Love Drunk
2009-12-11 15:31:00 This post is not for the faint of heart, children, family members or anyone who wishes to continue viewing me in a virginal light. (How’s that for a disclaimer?!)I went out to lunch with the girls last week. My friend Jodi hooked me up with a bottle of sure-fire-sex, better known as a raspberry tart ale, brewed in Wisconsin. Me and the old man don’t drink very often so it only took one glass each More About: Love , Drunk
We Can Work It Out
2009-12-03 16:13:00 This is the post where angry Lois goes off on a tangent or ten.I’m one of millions in this country to have taken on a second job to help make ends meet. Financially, we have been screwed for most of our lives, lately however, it’s gotten so bad there really wasn’t a choice. As inflation keeps growing, our paychecks have been shrinking. As most of you know, Mr. Lane and I bought our first house More About: Work
Back By Popular Demand...
2009-11-25 14:25:00 ...and for a limited time only, I bring to you my coverage of The Turkey Testicle Festival with a few add-ons.I walked in like I bought the place, even though my heart was heavy as I just learned my Uncle Giant lost his battle with cancer. “The show must go on,” I could hear him say in my mind. And so it did.Unscripted, in a town I’ve never been, surrounded by people I’d never met, they threw me More About: Popular , Back
Live Like You Were Dying
2009-11-21 18:55:00 As the holidays approach, a lot of my friends are freaking out about their weight. What is it about the holiday season that makes people beat themselves up? Holiday traditions in ALL countries, cultures, races and religions revolve around food, why freak?If you think now is the time to worry about your weight, you’re going to miss out. Think about Santa for a second, you don’t see him skipping More About: Live , Dying
The Kooks, Down To The Market
2009-11-14 15:00:00 It was a whirlwind having so many visitors after Rosie O’Donnell posted the link to Home Fires on her blog. In five years, there’s never been over 500 visitors in one day here. Looking at my crazy cat lady post, I wondered if it was a good enough first-impression to get new people to come back. Then on Rosie Radio yesterday, she too talked about her own animal magnetism with her guest Sonya More About: Market
I'm Sorry I Can't Be Puuurrrfect
2009-11-06 13:52:00 If previous lives are real, there is no doubt that I once was a crazy cat lady. My house probably stunk to the high heavens of ammonia, and I likely lived on canned cat food. Why would I think such a thing? Because sometimes I feel so connected to those fuzzy little bastards it isn’t even funny. (Remember the story of Chip? If not, email me and I’ll send it to you. It depicts an odd connection
Whole Lotta Rosie
2009-10-29 16:55:00 The story about my super duper life saving skills is going to have to wait for another day. Sorry. But like Janet Jackson said, “I promise, I’ll be worth the wait.”If you’ve been reading Home Fires for a while, you already know Rosie O’Donnell is someone I look up to as a mom, humanitarian, philanthropist, author and comedian. She has read and commented on this blog three times, always offering a
One Thing Leads To Another
2009-10-24 17:24:00 In kindergarten, my son, Lane 1 got into trouble when he stepped out of line to play with the drinking fountain. He received his first detention that day. At the time, and now looking back, I really don’t think it was detention worthy. But like everything in life, it was a lesson learned.At the age of 5, he said he “saw a spider on the spout, and wanted to send it down the drain so nobody would More About: Leads
Operator, Well Could You Help Me Place This Call?
2009-10-16 21:13:00 There's no shame in my game as you long-time readers know. Today was no different. I called into a test show for Rosie O’Donnell. You can imagine my surprise when the phone actually rang.My heart was all racy and my hands were super sweaty. I got through nine times. Eight of those times the ringing turned into a fast busy signal. I was about to give up because I never took Stalking 101, but I was More About: Place , Call
Won’t You Tell Me Why-yi-yi-yi
2009-10-05 17:26:00 There are a couple of upsides to kids growing up. I know, I don’t like to admit it either. Just the conversations we share and those they share with each other, should make me okay with the process of watching my babies bloom into adulthood. I really do love listening/talking to them.Let’s take a step back for a minute. When Lane 1 and Lane 2 were little, everything we discussed revolved around
You Belong With Me
2009-10-03 15:02:00 What is the world coming to, when Lois Frickin’ Lane is singing a Taylor Swift song? If you know the song in the title, you’ll understand why as you read along. If you don’t, check out the lyrics as they seem to fit this situation better than any song.I’m nervous because of reason 3,698. Somewhere, someday, you may find a book with all of the reasons in numeric order. Until then…You really ought
Ain't We Lucky We Got 'Em, Good Times
2009-09-25 17:00:00 It’s always an honor to see one of your friends get the recognition they deserve. Today, William of Poop and Boogies received what has been a long time coming. Dr. Phil mentioned his blog on his website.William has been blogging funnies about his own childhood as well as rearing his sons, all the while admitting his lovely bride, Lauren is always right. Not a lot of husbands will admit such a More About: Times , Good , Lucky
You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Hound Dog
2009-09-02 15:39:00 It ain't all hearts and flowers, this married stuff. I brag on my old man all the time, see post below. And mostly, he deserves it. Today Mr. Lane is in the doghouse and I need your help.Is owning up to cock-like behavior enough? Mr. Lane called me to apologize for displaying many forms of assholery and dickonometry as of late. When I hung up, I thought, wow he knew he was a dick without me
Side-By-Side
2009-08-07 15:45:00 One thing people keep asking me after hearing of all the bad news around here... "Lois, how do you manage to keep a sense of humor?"If you've been wondering the same, just look below. They make me smile, they fill my heart and they give me plenty to laugh about/at/with. Sure this summer sucked, no doubt, but look how lucky I am.Lane 2 and Mr. Lane, craziest monkeys at the zoo.Even the real More About: Side
Disco Inferno
2009-07-30 14:53:00 I’ll understand if you need to read this slowly over several days or if it’s all just way too much and you close the browser. I can so relate to that! I started to write this the same day I published the post below so it may read as a continuation. If you are new here or just find yourself lost, catch up on The Summer of Suckage by reading the posts below.The fucking dam finally broke a little.
You Take the Good You Take the Bad...
2009-07-25 06:32:00 The good news first, I have a job with heaps of work. The bad news is my laptop crapped out. The good news is my son is so awesome, he secretly gave his dad money to buy me a new one. The bad news is I have to pay him back eventually. The good news is, he doesn’t know what “interest” means.I’ve been collaborating with a children’s production company while all hell has been breaking loose. You More About: Good
The Climb
2009-06-21 20:59:00 What was supposed to be a fun road trip for me and my girl has turned into a trip from Hell. We left Illinois headed to Lake of the Ozarks at 6 am on May 30th. We spent one night in Missouri and were going to drive to Florida with my mother and father in-law for a family wedding. Since my father in-law wasn't feeling well and had refused to go to the doctor days before, I dragged his ass to
Oh What a Night
2009-05-24 16:32:00 We went to my grade school reunion last week. I was so genuinely happy to see so many familiar, beautiful, happy faces when I walked in I wanted to hug the fucking waiter. Ya know? It's been a week and I can't stop looking at the pictures and smiling like a giant doofus. Whatever!We walked into the bar and my mind flashed back as I saw those older but familiar faces smiling back at me. I don't More About: Night
Sometimes You Wanna Go...
2009-05-16 17:23:00 ...where everybody knows your name and everything else! My friend Jackie invited the Lanes to her family barbeque. When we got there I was a little out of place. My old man was out of town. The kids had all ran off to join the circus or do whatever it is kids do, and I didn't know anyone else except Jackie and her old man Donny, who was incidentally already half in the bag. On second thought, he
He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother
2009-04-27 17:13:00 Yoohoo! Is anyone home? Sorry to have worried anyone in my absence. I was off dying. No, no, it's okay. You don't have to send flowers just yet, and no, it isn't the swine flu. Just because I talk like a pig, doesn't mean jack diddly shit.I was pretty sure I was dying, anyhow. I got a lovely case of pneumonia. I'm not going to lie, it may have been the worst I've ever felt in my life. Which means More About: Heavy
It rubs the lotion on its skin
2009-03-20 13:28:00 The email subscription is now working. If you would like Home Fires to email you when I've updated, enter your email address in the box on the right sidebar. I'll have to pay more attention to what time I post. The feed emails subscribers at a certain time. If I post after the scheduled time, it waits until the next day.It had been 25 years since I'd seen my friend Sherry. I was anxious to see More About: Skin , Lotion
If You Love Dudey...
2009-03-19 15:17:00 ...as much as I love doodie, vote for my friend. You don't have to register. Just click the "vote for me" thingy. This contest will give him a shot to share his comedy with the masses. You can vote once every 24 hours, please do.Thank you in advance for your cooperation. xoxo LoBigGayCasting.comP.S. You can also add this widget to your site. The more publicity the better. More About: Love
And so it Goes
2009-03-15 14:54:00 In the last two weeks, two of my biggest fans passed away. The first was our dear Hoss. The second was one of my old publishers who had been fighting esophageal cancer. Both had more faith in me and my writing than I ever had. My ego, along with all of my other 2,000 parts, will miss them immensely.Thank you all for the condolences in the last post. I send mine to you as well. Hoss was loved by
R.I.P. Hoss
2009-03-07 21:50:00 Born: Oct. 1 and 2, 1930Died: March 7, 2009(Photo of Hoss proudly modeling the NIU sweatshirt I gave him.)It is with a heavy heart that I share this news...One of my favorite people, one of my first, oldest, nearest and dearest blog buddies, Gene Maudlin passed away today.If Frank Sinatra and the Burger King guy had a love child, it would have been Hoss. He did it his way, making his exit here
I Want You Back
2008-05-08 16:00:00 I had no intentions of becoming the newer, cuter, Monty Hall. So how is it that I have more stuff to give away? Well as it turns out, the last contest was so well-received that an anonymous donor came to me and said, "Lois, you sexy hunk of love..." Okay, so maybe this person said, "I have an idea!" Unlike Monty, I will not have a goat hiding behind curtain number 1. The idea is to give away a More About: Back
Winnah, Winnah, We Have A Winnah!!
2008-04-29 00:43:00 I'm going to have to check the pulse here at Home Fires. It seems somewhat dead around these parts. The MySpace version of this blog is kicking ass and taking names. And this one, not so much. I miss writing everyday but realize everyone can't be here to read everyday. This once a week-ish stuff is good for all of us, I believe. Is it time for this ol' blog to retire? I wouldn't want to give it
Hoing Out Home Fires
2008-04-13 21:32:00 Last night was so incredibly fun. I wish I could have taken you all with me. But, lucky for you, I have the next best thing. Contest time, people!!! This time I am just going to whore out my blog and whoever brings me the most comments is going to win... a DVD of David Nickerson's comedy! But wait there's more... it's an autographed copy!!! It's been way too long since we've had a good contest. More About: Home , Fires
Reeling In The Years
2008-03-28 14:12:00 "I thought you were laying dead in a ditch somewhere!" I know, I know, I'm slacking here. And no, I'm not laying dead anywhere. Trust me, if I do die an untimely death, my family will have a funeral service set up via live feed. Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned. It's been almost two weeks since my last post. Good gravy! Why do I feel so guilty when I don't blog? Speaking of Catholic guilt... More About: Years
I Go Crazy
More articles from this author:2008-03-17 13:22:00 I spent the weekend at my in-law's in Missouri. It was a last minute unplanned visit, but it went really well. Normally I am not much a fan of anything unplanned. I need to know what is going on well in advance. I'm anal, what can you do? The worst part of the trip was accepting my son, Lane 1 driving us there. He has his learners permit. He and I have spent lots of hours practicing. I've taken More About: Crazy 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
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