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A View From Top
2007-08-31 03:48:00
==========Elderly ProposalThere were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more cour...
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Two Miles Road
2007-08-30 02:35:00
==========Sleeping PillAn exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.""I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.""Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!""I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!""That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill"!
More About: Miles , Road

Spongebob and Cock
2007-08-29 03:30:00
==========Considering CopTwo men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that ...
More About: Cock , Sponge , Spongebob

Shame On Piss
2007-08-28 02:49:00
==========Weird CountingA guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
More About: Piss , Sham , Shame

Internet Safety Kit
2007-08-27 03:34:00
==========Pet LobstersAfter a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
More About: Internet , Safety

Please Insert Disk
2007-08-24 02:53:00
==========New RoosterA farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!"The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."They line up in back of the farm hou...
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Owned Mc D Car
2007-08-24 02:51:00
==========Magical WishOne day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, ...
More About: Owned

Metal Baby
2007-08-24 02:40:00
==========Just Like HomeA man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.""I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.""Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims."Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"After a moment of silence, he farted.
More About: Baby , Metal

Water Meron
2007-08-15 04:19:00
==========Playing GolfMoses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, whe...
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Me Has Arm
2007-08-15 04:17:00
==========Heart AttackA young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."This enfuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."

Mc Dog
2007-08-15 03:47:00
==========Crazy Bus-RideJohn was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.John; "What was that?"Driver; "It was a cat"John; "Why did you run it over?"Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"John; "Oh, fair enough"A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.John; "What was that!!?"Driver; "It was a dog"John; "Why did you run it over?"Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.John; "What is it this time?"Driver; "I hit an old lady"John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."The driver called for an ambulence an...

Horse Pull Car
2007-08-14 02:41:00
==========God And HarleyArthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"God said, "ah, yes.""Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.""Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.The com...
More About: Horse , Pull

Hand Mailbox
2007-08-14 02:38:00
==========Scottish GraveMacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
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Aligator Mailbox
2007-08-14 02:20:00
==========Scottish Ticket DodgersThree scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders."Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return tr...
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Fat Baby
2007-08-13 03:02:00
==========Scottish Car CrashAn Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."
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