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Start Looking
2007-12-11 05:23:00
==========Job ApplicationThis is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!NAME: Greg BulmashSEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.SALARY: Less than I'm worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environm...
More About: Start

Superhero Need Fun
2007-12-11 05:02:00
==========ObsessionsA psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".
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Naked Chicks
2007-12-11 04:54:00
==========VaselineSteve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little fluster...
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Extreme Ironing
2007-12-11 04:51:00
==========10 YearsBack during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car."It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon"."What difference does it make?", asked the salesman."Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
More About: Extreme , Ironing

CIA Stealer
2007-12-11 04:44:00
==========Shot 3 TimesA woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Never Give Up
2007-12-11 04:43:00
==========10 PintsA Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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Cool Doctor
2007-12-11 04:37:00
==========Ticket FareA Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."The Scotsman responds: "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase, and hurls it out of the bus.It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ya trin' to overcharge me for the ticket -- but now you're gone 'n drowned me boy Jonny."
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Extreme Swing
2007-12-11 03:06:00
==========Lost Glass EyeA few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him."You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
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Baby Diaper's Names
2007-12-07 03:10:00
==========Heaven And HellHeaven is where the police are British, the Chefs are Italians, the mechanics German, the lovers french and it is all organized by the Swiss.Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians.
More About: Baby , Names

Kids Hands
2007-12-07 03:08:00
==========Almost SilentA new monk at a monastery took a vow of silence. He was allowed to speak only once a year, and then he could only say TWO words.At the end of the 1st year he went to the head monk, and said, "Bed Hard".At the end of the 2nd year he went to the head monk, and said, "Room Cold".At the end of the 3rd year he went to the head monk, and said, "I Quit".The head monk replied, "It doesn't surprise me, all you've done since you got here was Bitch, Bitch Bitch!"
More About: Kids , Hands

Headphone Baby
2007-12-07 02:28:00
==========Black Testicles?A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...A r e - m y - t e s t - r...
More About: Baby , Headphone

Cat and Book
2007-12-07 02:16:00
==========Clinton DaysBack during the Clinton presidency days, the president once stepped down from Air force one carrying a pig under each arm.As he come down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snapped to a salute.Clinton said, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full.""Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responded the Marine."Now hold on," said Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks.""Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" said the Marine."I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explained.The Marine answered, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"
More About: Book

Slingshot Back Seat
2007-12-07 02:08:00
==========Free RidersThree engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ti...
More About: Seat , Back , Slingshot

Bra LadyBug
2007-12-07 02:05:00
==========A Flaming StoryA North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire.After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally.The man sued.The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested ..... for arson.
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Cat Shower
2007-12-07 02:02:00
==========Bad AccidentA man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
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Heap of Bikes
2007-12-07 01:56:00
==========Memory TestThree old men are at the doctor for a memory test.The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?""274" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?""Tuesday" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?"Nine" says the third man."That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
More About: Bikes

Gun Tattoo
2007-11-19 08:30:00
==========New Partnera businessman called his lazy son into his office and announces some great news: "From now on, son, i'd like you to become a full-time partner in the company. now, which part of the company would you like to be in charge of?"."well", said the son, "I hate the shipping room, I get a panic attack whenever I am inside the bookkeeping department, I can't get along with the people at sales"...His father stopped him and said: "Well then, what WOULD you like the most, as a full-time partner"?The son replied: "I guess the most of all, I'd like you to buy me out".
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Higher Please
2007-11-19 08:27:00
==========Without GlassesSoon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.""Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"
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Double Strike
2007-11-19 08:23:00
==========ComebackA doctor tells his old patient: "Mr. Jhones, the last check you gave me came back".The patient answers: "Then we are even, Doc. So did my arthritis".
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Marijuana Restaurant
2007-11-19 08:14:00
==========3 Shots Of WhiskeyAn Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: "You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you".The guy replies "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us".This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers."Is everythink OK"? he asks."What do you mean", answers the guy."Well, for months you have been asking for three shots. now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?", the bartender as...
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Steven Seagal Rockstar
2007-10-01 06:44:00
=========Improving Sex LifeA doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.""Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.""Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wo...
More About: Steven Seagal , Rockstar , Steven , Seagal

Squirrel Balls
2007-09-27 05:02:00
===========Craving For ChiliA man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?""Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten."Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked."No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
More About: Balls , Squirrel

Squeal Versus Dog
2007-09-25 02:49:00
============Everybody Drinks!A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".
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Showing Off
2007-09-19 06:23:00
=========Spitting In The DrinkA guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afriad someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".

Scratch My Balls
2007-09-17 02:28:00
=========Praying And SleepingTwo men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and...
More About: Balls , Scratch

Sausage and Chips
2007-09-07 02:32:00
=========Heavy DrinkerA guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I''ve got.”The bartender says, “What''ve you got?”The guy says, “75 cents.”
More About: Sausage , Chips , Ausa

Now Hiring AllShits
2007-09-06 02:53:00
========I'm Only Sleeping10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."3. "The coffee machine is broken..."2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
More About: Hiring

No Stomach Woman
2007-09-04 03:56:00
=========Embarrassing MomentA very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
More About: Stomach , Woman , Mach

Kicked The Balls
2007-09-03 02:54:00
=========Kayak AccidentThe day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper."Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.""Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
More About: Balls

Gay Pose
2007-09-01 02:32:00
===========The EnvelopesThe new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second e...
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