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Articles: 1, 2, 3

White Men Can Edit
2007-04-18 07:52:00
These are my buds, Joe and Oyl. They can ball. And even more so they can edit. Check out their video HERE.
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Celebrity Name Game
2007-04-16 08:22:00
I came up with a new game that I will simply call the Celebrity Name Game . The rules of the game are simple. I come up with funny combination of a word or phrase, and a celebrity name. They are fun to say out loud, although sometimes they are a bit difficult to pronounce correctly. An example is Egregious Philbin. If he hosted a game show it'd be called "Who Wants To Be A FUCKING Millionaire!"Here are a bunch of Celebrity Name/Word combinations I came up with while sitting in church. Feel free to leave a comment with your own entries.Fauxprah - She tells you there's a key to a brand new car under your seat, but there's no key there.Inflammatori Amos - Trying to relaunch her career, Tori Amos takes on the hip hop scene.Stay-Puff Daddy - "Don't touch my fuckin' belly."Paula Abdula-Oblongata - If you don't get this one, watch Adam Sandler's Waterboy.Condo-Leeza Rice - Tall and elegant, but you don't want to know what goes on in the boiler room.Madonnatello - A Ninja Turtle that...

Lesser of Two Evils #2
2007-04-11 21:47:00
Hey, remember "Less er of Two Evil s #1"? Remember how I called it a series, implying that there'd me more? Well here it is! This second edition of "Lesser of Two Evils" is written in the form of a conversation. It's actually going to be part of a 2 man comedy show I am producing called Nate and Nathan. The other guy in the show is named Nathan. Get it? Enjoy! NathanOkay, Nate. I've got a Lesser of 2 Evils challenge for you.NateOkay, I'm game. Bring it.NathanWould you rather sharpen your penis with a pencil sharpener, or drop an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?NateWell, first of all, is it an electric pencil sharpener?NathanNo, it's an old school style sharpener, and you have to crank it yourself.NateWell the worst part about that is when I have to adjust the size down. And the other option is dropping an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?NathanYep.NateWhat do you have against the Special Olympics?NathanNothing. I'm not going to drop the bomb. You are.NateNo I'm not.Natha...
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WWJC?
2007-04-09 05:48:00
Okay, I have to admit, I'm a little bit hung up on nunchucks right now. I think the best thing to do is to just get them out of my system. But you have to ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Chuck?"Best Items to Turn into Nunchucks1. Gunchucks: Good for close range and long range attacks.2. Nun-Chucks: Actual nuns. To be used by Giants.3. Stunchucks: Two tazers flying around can be pretty lethal. Just don't catch the wrong end.4. Raptorchucks: Another weapon that only giants would be able to use, but man, they would be a clever girl.5. Dungchucks: The only thing worse than getting hit by a nunchuck, is getting hit by a poopy nunchuck. "Ow that hurt! And I have poop on me!"6. Chuck Norris' Legs-chucks: Chuck Norris' legs each have their own license to kill. If/when he dies, I hope he'll donate his body to crime fighting.7. Handcuffchucks: If you are really strong, you can use these to grab one opponent, and then swing him around as your weapon.8. Puppychucks: "Hey, look how cute tho...

Disney: The Gayest Place on Earth
2007-04-07 01:01:00
That's what it means, right? Gay means happy. Look it up. And now if you're gay and want to have the happiest wedding on Earth , Mickey Mouse says, "Oh boy!" Disney has officially announced that wedding ceremonies in front of Cinderella's Castle are now open to same-sex couples, granted they have a valid marriage license. Disney has finally put the fairy back in fairy tale.And I say good for them! Finally all the closeted gay Disney characters can come out. For example: The Seven Dwarves. Only one of them wasn't gay and that was Grumpy, which explains why he was always so grumpy. He was the only one not getting any action. How about that Candlestick from Beauty and the Beast? He is literally flaming, and you know he fantasizes about having Jack be nimble but maybe not so quick. And of course there is Baloo, a large male "bear" who is constantly hanging out with a boy in his underwear.And now these characters can finally embrace their true colors...which is a rainbow.
More About: Place , Lace , The G

Yo Yo Yo
2007-04-06 18:09:00
Dear Rappers,I am writing to you because I need some help in trend setting and you guys are clearly at the top of the trend setting game. Okay, here's what I want. I want you to start using nunchucks in your rap videos instead of guns. Nunchucks are so much cooler than guns, and the world needs to see that. You guys are the best way to bring nunchucks to the pop-culture forefront. Rappers are always making stupid things seem cool. Like Nelly wearing a band-aid for no reason. Or Snoop Dog saying phrases like "What's crack-a-lackin'?" Or pot.But nunchucks aren't stupid! They're already really cool. So it would be even easier to convince other people that they should be carrying nunchucks around all the time. All you have to do is get some black people to start doing it, and then all the white people will copy it.Just imagine Chingy slingin' rhymes while at the same time slingin' the 'chucks. That would make an amazing rap video. And every rapper could have his own nunchuck sty...

Rice is Nice
2007-04-06 07:57:00
Spud Oregon, a rad blogger who reviews other sites, just wrote a very nice review about me. Go check out his blog at nice4rice.com. He's a real swell guy!
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2nd Fife
2007-04-05 00:31:00
Headline from CNN.com: Virtual Feds Visit Second Life Casinos. Apparently the creators of the online game had a major virtual reality check when they realized they might be legally responsible any illegal gambling going on in their faux world. So they actually asked the Feds to investigate the casinos, where their currency of lindens are exchanged for real world dollars, in order to determine what, if any, actions need to be taken. The legality of it all isn't that interesting to me. What is interesting is the idea of FBI agents signing on to this crazy game, creating virtual identities, and walking around the world of 2nd Life in order to investigate. So many questions arise! What will they make their characters look like? Will they give themselves the chiseled physique the Bureau demands they attain? Or will they stay true to the chubby physique the Bureau has allowed them to retain? Will they don official FBI duds? Or will they get to live out their fantasies of wearing a bad as...
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Yeehaw Allah
2007-04-04 03:16:00
Have you ever noticed that Rednecks and Iraqis, two groups that are complete opposites of each other, celebrate in the exact same way?
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Punk'd 2.0
2007-04-03 17:30:00
Rumor has it that Ashton Kutcher, creator of the show Punk 'd, is going to start a new show that is similar to Punk'd, but all of the pranks will involve him making the celebrities touch his balls. The show will be called Junk'd.

Nature is a Log
2007-03-30 08:13:00
Alright, listen up Natur e . You have got to get your act together. I understand you would like to survive. That makes sense. I get it. But look, I just spent several hours in you and I have to say...BORRRRINNNGGGG!!!!! I mean, sure, you are beautiful. Gorgeous even. But c'mon! How about a little showmanship? I spent a whole day in the so-called great outdoors (or as I like to call it, the great outbores!) and NOTHING happened. It was like those frustrating scenes from Jurassic Park where the dinosaurs didn't show up, except it didn't have the thrilling conclusion where the dinosaurs finally did show up and mauled everything to death. And the only reason Jurassic Park was a big hit was because of that second part with the mauling. So, Nature, unless you bring a little mauling action to the people, we're gonna pave right over you and erect a new mall. And can you blame us? I mean, think about it. No one goes to a play just to look at the stage. "My, look at the set. Isn't it beaut...

Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 6
2007-03-28 03:24:00
Now that I'm back to blogging, I'm also back to judging people who have the same name as I do. Welcome to the 6th edition of Best Nate Smith Ever ! Today's contestant is Nate Smith, a drummer from Norfolk, Virginia. I'm really nervous about this one. This guy looks really cool. He seems to have really good rhythm. And I'm not saying that just because he's black! I'm saying that because he is a very successful drummer. I on the other hand have little to no rhythm. That unfortunately goes as one point in the favor of Drummer Nate Smith. But let's take a deeper look into his life. According to his bio on Drummerworld.com Nate likes a variety of rock and funk bands including the groups Earth, Wind, and Fire. Those are three really good bands, I'm sure. Personally I'm a fan of Avril Lavigne and Kelly Clarkson. Don't judge me.Nate studied music at James Madison University and went on to receive a scholarship to pursue graduate studies as part of Virginia Commonwealth University...
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High Five, Me!
2007-03-27 08:13:00
I have a new favorite thing! I have long been a big fan of high fives. They're the perfect way to express a sense of happiness/satisfaction/team togetherness/accomplishment or for two one-armed dudes to clap as a team. And high fives are way better than low fives (this is because I was always too slow). Also, high fives are much more inclusive than high threes. Those can get awkward, and if done incorrectly they are painful.I look for opportunities to give and get high fives whenever possible. Hey! Our team won the Superbowl! High Five !.....Nice cat. High Five!......I finally grew a mustache! High Five! (I can dream)....I finished another blog entry....HIGH FIVE! Needless to say, I'm a big fan of The Todd on Scrubs.But recently it's been a lot harder to get people to join me in a good high five. A lot of people are really cynical these days and don't like expressing their enthusiasm in a physical manner, let alone one that involves making contact with another human. And the peop...

The Doctor has seen you now
2007-03-26 23:52:00
You might remember an entry I wrote for smartremarx.com called Just What the Dr. Ordered. In case you don't, go read it first, then come back and read this.Welcome back. How'd you like it? Good. Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny when I was writing it. Well, guess what. Dr. Perper finally came out with his autopsy! And if you thought I was a little off base with what I said about him in that last article, check out some of these quotes."The chest is symmetrical and shows no evidence of injury. There were bilateral breasts with asymmetry of the left breast due to scarring.""The flat abdomen has no injuries.""The buttocks have inconspicuous small scars, bilaterally. There is a flat, round scar on the lower aspect of the left buttock approximately ½ inch in diameter.""The genitalia are those of a normally developed adult woman.""The anus is unremarkable."I think that last one was sort of a cheap shot. Thank you Doctor , but I think the deceased might want a second opinion.
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Will they Ever Catch the Predator?
2007-03-23 04:06:00
I've been watching this show "To Cat ch a Predator" with Chris Hansen. They say it's a big success because they've caught so many sex offenders and put them behind bars. This is great and all, but when I first heard of this show, I was excited because I thought they were going to be catching THE Predator. I was expecting to see a show down between Danny Glover and a huge alien beast! But every time, it's the same thing. Some fat schlub who tricked some young girl into meeting him for sex, and then the young girl is actually Chris Hansen (not that much of a stretch) without any weapons of any kind, and the guy just gives up. The real Predator wouldn't just give up without a fight. He'd knock Chris Hansen out with one flip of his dreadlocks. Now that'd be a good show!What's this?
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My Autotape gets around
2007-03-21 19:53:00
I posted my autotape vid onto a new youtube competitor site called Grouper.com. They very generously put me up on their front page. The site functions very well and is very easy to use, while at the same time looking very sharp. Check it out.
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Game Name
2007-03-21 15:55:00
Apparently Roller Derby is taking the nation by storm. Here in Portland we have our own league called the Rose City Rollers. The league is full of wiry women and burly broads (is it socially acceptable to call a girl burly?) who skate around a rink in crazy outfits and bash the mammaries out of each other. Each team member has an awesome nickname to accentuate their pseudo psychotic tendencies. A couple good examples are "Axl Blows," "Slaymate," and "November Pain." While these nicknames are good, I think they could come up with some even better names. Here are 10 suggestions:1. The Menstrual Marauder2. Lady Laceration3. Body Bag Becky4. The Mammary Masher5. The Ovarian Ogre6. Sally Struthers (that's scary enough on its own)7. The Hot Flash8. Vaginal Creamer9. Lucille Brawl10. WMD (Woman of Mass Destruction)
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Superpower
2007-03-20 16:10:00
People are often asked "what superpower would you have?" Usually the recipient of this question thinks for a quite a while and then says something lame like "I'd have the ability to fly!" Flying is cool, but if you could have ANY superpower you want, that's the one you would choose? Come on! I heard a friend of mine answer this question one time and he said that if he could have any superpower he would choose to be "bulletproof." BULLETPROOF!?!?!? Um, are you also Arrowproof? What about lasers and fire? I think you want to be a little wiser with your words when choosing your superpower. I no longer respect that guy. Needless to say we are not friends anymore.When people ask me this question, like during job interviews or blind dates, I don't hesitate for a second. I know my answer. If I could have any superpower I wanted, I would have the ability to grow a mustache! But not only could I grow the mustache, I would have full control of it and could grow it as fast as I wanted. This...
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Moving Back In Day
2007-03-20 16:02:00
Okay, what can I say? I've missed this blog! So I'm back! I'm still a busy busy beaver (well, I'm not actually a beaver, that is a figure of speech...and get your head out of the gutter, I know what you are thinking) and don't know how frequent my posting will be here. But I want to get back in the game! So here I am! Read me!
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Moving Day
2007-02-20 17:27:00
It's here! It's finally here! Moving day!I'm moving to another blog. This blog will still exist, and I may still use it for some posts. But from now on, the majority of my blogs will be posted at www.nateandnathan.blogspot.com . You can also go to nateandnathan.com and see our rad website! Continuing in my infatuation with people who have the same name as me, I have started a 2 man (okay 1.5 man) comedy show with my good friend Nathan Loveless. We are currently working on the act, simply called Nate and Nathan, and in the next few months we will begin performing all over Portland. On our website you will be able to find videos and pictures of our shows, as well as updates about future shows and what not. On our blog (which you will be able to find from our website) you will find an inside look at our act and how we are putting it together, as well as a lot of the same funny posts you found here at Nate is a Blog. Please come check it out. I am very excited about this show, and th...
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Job Interviews
2007-02-17 00:58:00
Job Inter views Add to My Profile | More Videos
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Vulgar Vodka
2007-02-14 01:30:00
Another story written for Willamette Week. This one is about a Vodka company's website being censored. Check it out.
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Vulcan Butt Pinch
2007-02-14 01:26:00
Check out my latest blog post at Willamette Week. It's about a Gay Klingon.
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That being said...
2007-02-07 01:51:00
Even though I don't have time to work on this blog, I can still post links to the writing I am doing else where. So here is a post I wrote for Willamette Week's Wwire blog. Billionaire Brawl.
More About: Hat , That , Bein , Being , Said

Hiatus
2007-02-06 21:44:00
As you may have noticed, I have been a huge slacker lately and have not posted much recently. I'm such a cliche. I've been really busy with an internship for a newspaper, as well as several comedy projects, which have all been soaking up my writing time and skills. So I thought I should officially let you know that I am taking a hiatus from Nate is a Blog. I'm not completely shutting down, and I might do something here or there, but for the most part, I won't be back for a while. My suggestion is that you sign up for my subscription service (on the left, scroll down a bit) so that you don't have to keep checking the site all the time and being disappointed. Rather, every now and then you will get a nice surprise in your email from me. This is also a good idea because if you like my writing and comedic style, then you'll want to know what I'm doing next. I have one project in particular that I am very excited about and I might be blogging at a different address for that. When ...
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Color Me Radd
2007-01-31 18:39:00
Here is a post I wrote for the Willamette Week's WWire. It's all about activist coloring books. Check it out.
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10 Reasons I've Been Too Busy to Blog
2007-01-28 23:20:00
Lately you may have noticed that I have not been keeping up with my blogging as regularly as I used to. I know what you're thinking, "Man what an A-hole!" But I promise you that I have good excuses for my recent dearth. Here are 10 reasons I've been too busy to blog...1. Role Playing: I finally decided to check out this Second Life game that everyone has been talking about so much. I'm not really into role playing and stuff of that nature, but in this game I get to create a digital version of myself, and I get to have a mustache! If you'd like to find me in Second Life, my name is Smitty Box.2. Willamette Week: I recently started an internship at Willamette Week, a weekly newspaper in Portland, Oregon. They are a nationally recognized paper and the 2nd biggest paper in Portland. I'm writing for them, and much like my blog, I don't get paid, but at least I don't get to choose what I write about and some guy barks commands at me all day.3. Light Bulbs: You know that old joke, "...
More About: Blog , Reason , Reasons , Sons , Been

Nate is a Reviewer
2007-01-26 20:51:00
My editor sent me out to see another bad movie. I'm not really a fan of horror movies, so I wasn't thrilled when I was asked to review The Hitcher. But it was actually better than I expected. Check out the rest of the paper at wweek.com. The Hitcher The Hitcher can't be a horror film, because I don't like horror films. But it has all the trappings of a scary movie. Kids going on spring break. Stuff jumping out at the screen. Shower scene. Bad acting. Oh, wait—it doesn't have bad acting. But it has horrible writing. Actually, it doesn't. What? What's going on here? What kind of movie is this? John Ryder (Sean Bean) is like the Jack Bauer of bad guys. By the end I was rooting for him and excited to see how he would off his next victim. But not because I didn't like the heroes Jim (Zachary Knighton) and Grace (Sophia Bush). They aren't your typical idiotic victims. Not once did the crowd yell, "Why the hell did you go in there?" As a guy who thinks horror films are stupid, I...
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