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X-Rayted Security
2008-06-07 20:11:00
I just read an article on USATODAY.com that says 10 airports have installed new body scanner machines that are capable of seeing through people's clothing...for security reasons. This has raised a lot of questions, but my only question is where do I apply? For years the job of airport security has been considered one of the worst jobs ever. You sit in a dingy crowded airport regulating the traffic of angry rushing passengers for low pay. Not a lot of fun...until now! Leave your quarters at home because you get paid to watch this peep show. And don't be sheepish. You need to really scrutinize those body parts to make sure there isn't something dangerous in there.I have a feeling the airport security's terrorist profile is going to change from middle eastern men to cheerleaders.
More About: Security

Are Wii Fit or are Wii Fat?
2008-06-06 07:16:00
Video games have always given the children of America the chance to live out their fantasies in a digital reality. Whether they dreamt of being an italian plumber who could break bricks with his fist, a frog trying to cross a busy street, or simply a floating stick, video games made it happen. And now the makers of the Nintendo Wii are giving American children the chance to live out their wildest dream yet, the dream of being fit.It's ironic really. Back in the days before video games, in order to live out their fantasies, kids had to play games outside. They would run around playing cops & robbers, or pretend to be captains of spaceships. Or they would play sports and make believe they were their favorite sports heroes. Back then kids were in shape.Then video games came along. Suddenly kids could be whoever they wanted to be right in the comfort of their home with a plate of cookies within reach. It was video games that made the kids of America fat. And now that their biggest...

Twitterize your life
2008-06-05 09:08:00
I recently jumped on the Twitter bandwagon. Now I am constantly telling my friends, and some strangers, what I am doing at all times. For those of you who don't know, twitter.com is a social site where people can keep in quick constant contact with others by simply answering one question, "What are you doing?" It's kind of like when you are using an instant messenger program, or facebook or myspace, and it has that status message that tells everyone what you are up to...except...it's just the status message and nothing else. It's complicated, I know.Anyway, I've been keeping people updated on what I'm doing at all times, except there are some times when I don't want people to know what I am doing. For instance, when I'm throwing a fit because they put vegetables on my cheeseburger even though I expressly requested no vegetables on my cheeseburger, I don't tell people about that. So I realized I am selectively telling people what I am doing. I am giving people a false sense...
More About: Life

The In-Blank-ble Hulk
2008-05-31 23:23:00
So Universal Pictures has basically decided to shake the etcha-sketch on their original Incredible Hulk movie, which they released in 2003, and start all over this time with Edward Norton as the big green hero. Now most people will agree the first one wasn't that great and could really use a makeover. But I say, why stop at changing the writers, actors, and director? Let's change the character too! That whole "You won't like me when I'm angry," thing is so over done. So instead of a new Incredible Hulk movie, let's see a movie about a different kind of Hulk.10 Hulk Movies I'd rather see. (In no particular order!)1. The Infallible Hulk : Instead of Edward Norton as the Hulk, how about the Pope?2. The Inedible Hulk: I will not eat Green Eggs and Hulk.3. The Indisputable Hulk: The Hulk enters himself into the Mr. Universe body building contest, and is losing, until he gets very angry and becomes the clear winner.4. The Insatiable Hulk: The Hulk cruises through the red light distr...
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Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 6 - Revenge of the Smith
2008-05-18 00:56:00
That's right gang! The world's greatest competition is back! No, I'm not talking about American Gladiators, but yes that is back too and it is AWESOME! I love watching semi-fit 30 somethings having knee injuries in front of a live studio audience. But the contest I'm talking about is BEST NATE SMITH EVER! Many of you are familiar with this contest, but for those of you who are not, you might want to read Part s 1 through Death, which you can find on the right side of my blog under my list of "Best Nate is a Blogs Ever!"It has been a long time since the last BNSE! contest. The reason for that is simple. Ninja Nate Smith . My life was threatened, and in order to prove that my life as a Nate Smith is better than other Nate Smiths, I have to actually have a life. But I have been called out. This Nate Smith here has contacted me via email. Before I go on, I want to say that while email is still a valid way to contact me, I'd really prefer to be contacted via my very own Nat...
More About: Revenge

Nate is a part time Blog
2008-05-17 08:56:00
If this site makes you laugh, and you wish it was updated more frequently, please donate to the Best Nate Smith Ever! using one of the options below."But Nate, why should I give you any money?"Well, respected reader, I'd like to spend 40 hours a week working on this blog so that every time you visit you have something new to laugh at. But until I can make as much money from this as I do from my job, I can't convince my wife to let me quit my day job. So you can either donate a few bucks, or break up my marriage...and I really like my marriage.To make a payment via check, money order, cash, or gold bars, please use the following mailing address:Best Nate Smith Ever!14436 SW Pennywort TerraceTigard, OR 97224Please make your checks payable to Nate Smith.I would also like to mention the amount of restraint I used in this post by not saying something like "Don't be a Don'tNate. Be a DoNate!"....I guess I just ruined it by using it there. Does this keyboard have a delete key?
More About: Time , Blog , Part

Lions, Tigers and Squares, Oh My!
2008-05-13 05:06:00
According to this article (see here) Stephen Hawking is going on safari. He's traveling through South Africa in search of Africa's Einstein. I immediately had a flurry of ideas to write on this topic all of which seemed dead set on offending either Africans, or people in wheelchairs. So instead, here are theTop 10 posts about Stephen Hawking going to Africa that I won't write.1. Hawking does Circles of Life in his wheelchair.2. Hawking receives standing ovation, the ultimate insult.3. Genius gets sunburn. 4. Hawking visits Africa, cures AIDS in 2 days.5. Hawking has mosquito net installed on wheelchair.6. Hawking changes theory to "African Holes."7. Hawking studies Big Bang in Africa, returns with Jungle Fever.8. Super Genius in wheelchair visits Africa, locals were hoping for Superman in wheelchair.9. Hawking goes to Africa, wheelchair overheats.10. Hawking searches for African Einstein...or Don King.
More About: Tigers , Lions

2nd Place, A Major Put Down
2008-05-05 09:13:00
Sports history was made this week at the prestigious Kentucky Derby when the runner up horse, Eight Belles, was euthanized on the track. Now a lot of people are saying this is a tragedy, but I say one horse’s big sleep is another horse’s big wake up call. Finally winning is important again. As a child I grew up with a poster on my wall that said “I play to win,” but for years now I’ve had to listen to yuppies drone on about how doing your best is all that matters. They say things like “Everyone is a winner!” and “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” But not the folks at the Kentucky Derby. They say, “If you’re not a winner, you’re a goner.” And I applaud that mentality. Kids need to learn that it’s a tough world out there and that doing your best doesn’t matter unless it happens to be better than everyone else’s best.I think we should institute a “Win or Die” policy in more competitive arenas. Now I’m not proposing we ...
More About: Place , Major

Go BLANK Yourself!
2008-05-01 09:10:00
Every now and then life hands you a moment in which the absolute perfect response is to yell "Go f@#k yourself!" But sometimes life hands you those moments while you are standing next to an impressionable child, running for public office, or devoting your life to being a monk. It is during these times that I suggest the following alternatives.Top 10 non-foul-mouthed ways to fill in the blank for the phrase "Go BLANK yourself!"1. Go punch Yourself! Especially effective if the intended receiver is a boxer.2. Go delete yourself! Good for online banter.3. Go know thyself! Great for outbursts during bible study.4. Go suck yourself! Tell that vaccuum who's boss.5. Go explode yourself! Should be shouted from a distance.6. Go Britney Spears yourself! Because whatever she did to herself, it’s worse than what you want them to do to themselves.7. Go fix yourself! Either a much more productive request, or a request for them to cut off their junk.8. Go blog yourself! That’s the hip thing th...
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iBGTD
2008-04-29 09:06:00
Several weeks ago, I wrote about how I am in need of a new PDA (see iDGTD). The problem is, I am a bit of a slacker and need someone to keep me on task so that I can get things done. After doing quite a bit of research, I think I have finally found the perfect person to be my Personal Data Assistant. Dick Cheney. He just spent 8 years being the President’s PDA, and seeing as how he’s going to be out of a job soon I thought he’d like to do some work in the private sector for a while. And with Cheney as my PDA, my motto would be iBGTD, as in, “I Better Get Things Done...or Dick Cheney will shoot me in the face.” (I just wanted to get the quail hunting joke out of the way early)Here are 10 reasons Dick Cheney would be the perfect Personal Data Assistant.1.He doesn’t give in to peer pressure. And by peer pressure I mean 80% of the nation.2.Every time he asks you to do something, you can assume it is probably his last dying wish.3.If you don’t do what Dick Cheney says, the ...

I Have FInancial Aids
2008-04-23 08:50:00
So my wife and I decided (okay, just my wife decided) that we should meet with a financial advisor to make sure we were on the right track fiscally. We’ve got a mortgage, and a car payment, and my undying addiction to Mt. Dew to deal with, and we want to invest our money wisely so that some day we can stop living paycheck to paycheck. So we signed up to meet a financial advisor. Now, in our relationship, Ashley is the brains of the operation. I am...well really I am the ass of the operation. I’m not that smart, I sit around a lot, and I kind of smell bad. So Ashley controls all of our finances and she knows what’s up. That being said, she is not a monetary master, and the last time she met with a financial advisor, he made her feel like an idiot. The worst part is, at the end of the meeting he asked her, “Now, will your husband be joining us next time?” As if to assume I would have a better grasp of the situation. This really offends me. Do I look like the kind of guy who ...
More About: Financial , Aids

Hobophobia
2008-04-23 00:57:00
I have a confession to make. I am hobophobic. Now, before you get all up in arms and start having parades all up and down my neighborhood, look closely. I didn’t say I’m homophobic, I said I am HOBOphobic. I have an intense fear of Hobos. And I’m not talking about homeless people. I’ve got no beef with them, nor do I fear them. I’m talking specifically about Hobos. Train riding, pie stealing, no-teeth having, Hobos.Now, a lot of people might be thinking, “what’s wrong with Hobos? They’re harmless.” But that is a damn lie. When you think of Hobos what is the first thing you picture? A sack tied to the end of a stick, right? But have you ever wondered what they really carry in those sacks? Have you ever noticed the size of those sacks? They are the size of a human head! And that is exactly what those so-called harmless Hobos are carrying around all the time. The head of their most recent victim. Why else would they choose to live the lifestyle that they do? If you...

He Was a Hanger of Cliffs
2008-04-16 22:52:00
It might be a little late for me to be reviewing the movie Cliffhanger, starring Sylvester Stallone, but I watched it for the very first time today. Cliffhanger was just one of those movies that I didn’t get a chance to see in the theaters. So when I saw that I could watch it for free on my Comcast On Demand service, I took a leap of faith (hell yes that pun was intended).Now, I’m not sure if this movie was good when it originally played in theaters, but it sure didn’t stand the test of time. You know how sometimes you don’t see a movie for a long time, and then you finally rent it and it was so good that you are like, “Man, I can’t believe I didn’t see that sooner. I’m an idiot!” Or other times you are like, “Man, that movie was horrible. No wonder I didn’t watch that in the first place. I’m an idiot!” I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m always an idiot, but this time I was the second kind.For a movie titled Cliffhanger you’d think there’d ...
More About: Cliffs

iDGTD
2008-04-13 22:38:00
Staying on task has always been a bit of a problem for me. It’s not that I don’t want to get things done, it’s just that my brain doesn’t necessarily...work. You could say my mind is like a steel trap, except the hinge is completely broken. So really my mind is a big heavy sharp paper weight.So when it comes to getting things done, or as the cyber community calls it, GTD, unless I have a really good system in place, I DGTD (don’t get things done). I’ve tried all the usual task management techniques and none of them seem to work for me. That’s why I’ve decided to get a Personal Data Assistant. No, I’m not getting a Palm Pilot or some other fancy schmancy electronic device. I am literally going to hire an assistant who’s sole job will be to manage all of my personal data. This of course won’t be an easy job by any means. Let’s just say I have a lot of personal data.So how will I find the perfect PDA? What are my options? For starters, there’s my wife. I have ...

I'm Not Leaving...On a Jet Plane!
2008-04-11 22:18:00
Recently hundreds of thousands of Americans have been stranded in Airports as their flights have been cancelled. This is a serious problem and if it is not solved soon, the end result could be 300,000 Americans turning into Tom Hanks’ character from “The Terminal.”The reason this crisis has occurred, according to airline officials, is that a majority of their planes have failed the Federal Aviation Administration safety inspections. BORING! If my flight is going to be delayed and I have to sit in an airport and eventually become a Hangar Hobo (I just coined that) then I want a better excuse than, “Sorry, we just don’t think our planes are very safe.” Give me an excuse with a little more...zazz!Here are are 10 excuses I’d rather hear for why my flight has been cancelled.“Literally there are snakes on the plane.”“Sorry, your flight has been cancelled due to explosion.”“Your plane is currently under attack by ninjas.”“Turns out your plane was a decepticon, a...
More About: Plane , Leaving

Nate is a Juror
2008-01-24 21:48:00
Great...I've been chosen for Jury Duty. I got a letter in the mail and was assigned a number. I checked the website the night before the case and my number was called in. Damn. I went to the court house the day of the case and my number was called again. Damn. I went into the court room with the other jury hopefuls (maybe hopelesses?) and I was asked to stay. Damn. Apparently, I'm just too normal. If only I had the logic and reasoning skills of a stray dog, I could have gotten myself excused. But no. Because I am able to put the differences between me and the defendant aside and judge the defendant based on the facts, I qualify. (By the way, I want you to notice how good I am being about not revealing actual details of the case, going so far as not even mentioning the fact that the defendant is a woman...damn it!)  So here I am, eating a horrible ham sandwich (which is paid for so I guess the standards don't need to be that high) while I wait to be called back into the court roo...
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Wishbone's are legit!
2007-12-06 06:34:00
I know this post is a bit late but hey, the holidays are a busy season. I just wanted to document my experience with the age old tradition of breaking the wishbone. My wife and I decided to break a wishbone together. I had what I thought was the most clever idea ever. "Let's wish for the same thing so that we can be sure it will come true!" What an amazing scheme! I immediately began thinking of the possibilities. Nintendo Wii...new TV...lifetime supply of Mt. Dew. Then I remembered that if we say it out loud it won't come true. So Ashley and I agreed to silently guess what we both wanted. So now I'm thinking a trip to the Bahamas...a new car...the trash to magically take itself out. So we both grabbed the wishbone and pulled and as if to say, "You can't trick me!" the wishbone broke into 4 even parts. Neither one of us was the winner. I used to think wishbones were a hokey tradition. Now I totally believe in them and can't wait f...
More About: Legit

Tattooine
2007-10-07 22:25:00
I've never wanted a tattoo. I think they're dumb. Most tattoos are funny, clever, or meaningful at first but after a few years they are just embarrassing. There are very few tattoos that stand the test of time. And even though I will never get a tattoo, I've always wanted to figure out what the perfect tattoo would be. It'd have to be something that would either be funny forever, or always useful. Here's the ideas I've come up with so far. Chest Hair: I'm never going to have real chest hair, and I don't really want hair on my chest, but occasionally some ladies do like men with chest hair, and it wouldn't hurt to at least give off the illusion of manliness. Back Massage Grid: One of the most annoying things about getting a massage is giving directions to the masseuse. Your left, I mean my left, go down, a little lower, that's not my back. With a back massage grid I could simply say, "C 4" and get exactly what I'm looking for. Growth Chart: I would love to go home to my ch...

Barack Obomba
2007-10-02 19:40:00
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday called for ridding the world of nuclear weapons. Republican candidates quickly sided with Barack saying they knew of a few good places we could drop them.

Solar Powered Hotness
2007-10-01 22:40:00
So apparently the new hotness is this:Solar powered jackets that enable you to charge your mobile gadgets from the comfort of your own pockets. I know how important it is to always have power, because everything I know, I learned from Back to the Future 2. (See Video)  And I have lots of gadgets that need constant charging when I am out on the town. Let's see, there's my cell phone, and my iPod, and my PSP. Plus I always carry my own electric can opener in case I get struck with the sudden desire for some canned peas. And then there's my electric wallet that opens at the push of a button. It's a real bummer when that runs out of battery. Plus my electric pen that lights up as I write so that I know that I'm actually writing. And I have a laptop. And of course I have a electric motorized rolling carrying case for my laptop. Also I have a battery powered battery charger that is always seeming to run out of battery. So with all these essential tools, it's a no brainer to h...
More About: Hotness

Nike Native
2007-09-27 17:44:00
Nike is reportedly producing a line of shoes made soley for Native  Americans. They will distributing the shoes to tribal wellness programs and tribal schools at a discount. They will be called the Air Natives. I know they have their own marketing team but I thought I'd take a shot at coming up with some slogan ideas. These may be racially insensitive.Say "How" to the new Air Natives.The Air Natives, not your chief's mocassins.The Air Natives, $119.99 or 400 acres of reservation.The Air Natives, because your athletic wear shouldn't be a gamble.The Air Natives, reserve yours today.The Air Natives, so good you'll give them as a gift and then take them back.The Air Natives, hey sorry for that whole stealing your land thing.The Air Natives, so comfortable the Trail of Tears is no big deal.The Air Natives, What would you do with out the White Man?The Air Natives, made for cheap by natives of another land. Sold for cheap to natives of this land.
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Scissors Rule!
2007-09-24 18:24:00
Okay, maybe I'm geeking out a bit, but scissors are really really awesome! Wait, hear me out. I know we've all used scissors before and yeah there's nothing new about them. But I just used a pair of scissors to cut open a bag containing a yummy snack and I have to say, I was overwhelmed with joy over what an awesome piece of technology scissors are. Actually, I think my reaction appropriately matched the awesomeness of the situation so I guess I was just whelmed. But just think about how powerful scissors are! How many items were you constantly reminded not to run with when you were a child? (if scissors and the pool teamed up they would be a powerhouse) Scissors have used fear to maintain order in elementary class rooms throughout the ages. But scissors are more than just a method for enforcing juvenile speed limits. They are also the ambassadors to new businesses. Every day a new business is opened and with out a pair of scissors to cut that impenetrable ribbon in front of the...
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Russia Calls the Hump
2007-08-02 00:34:00
Russia set off on an expedition today to put their flag at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean in order to lay claim to the oil and gas that might lie down there. This is a crafty move on Russia's part. The Russians are comparing it to putting a flag on the moon, and if putting a flag on the moon is like calling "Shotgun" before you get into a car, then putting a flag at the bottom of the ocean is like calling the middle of the back seat. Sure, getting to sit shotgun is exciting. But what real benefits does it have? Ample leg room, I suppose. But the middle of the back seat is where it's really at! Yes, it will be cramped back there. Being at the bottom of the ocean you'll be stuck between the ocean floor and tons of liquid pressure. But, there are so many advantages to being in the middle of the back seat. For instance, you have access to both of the pockets on the back of the two front seats, and there are all sorts of exciting treasures in those pockets. So kudos to you Russia. Way...
More About: Calls , Russia , Hump

Take A Chill Pill
2007-08-01 20:36:00
A new birth control pill, called Lybrel, has been released that will not only eliminate the chance of having a baby, but will also make it so women don't have to go through their period. Some women are against this idea saying that it is unnatural. I think they are just PMSing about it and in a few days they will be a little easier to talk to.
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That's Not Hot
2007-08-01 06:51:00
Nicole Richie is in the news again. Not to be outdone by Paris Hilton, her BFS (Best Friend Sometimes), Nicole has been sentenced to four days in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. She also announced that she is four months pregnant, so she'll be serving time for two. In an interview with Diane Sawyer (who has apparently given up on that whole journalism thing and is auditioning for a spot at E!) Nicole said, "I have a responsibility and it's something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would. Unfortunately I can't." Wait a minute. What do you mean you can't? What else do you have to do? (Besides serve four piddly days in jail) Do you really have that busy of a schedule? I mean, I guess you are about to have a baby and you might want to go shopping for baby clothes, but I bet most of your current clothes will fit your newborn.  But I really think you should go door to door apo...

Sitcoms, so easy a Caveman can...
2007-07-31 23:51:00
As you've all probably heard, ABC is making a sitcom based on the Geico "Cave man " commercials. And I know, this topic has already been covered by thousands of bloggerists and pundits and George Lopez (get over it George, you didn't get canned because you are chicano. You got canned because you're show wasn't that funny. But I'm sure you can still get a hosting gig on Telemundo's "El Precio es Correcto!"), but I'm not the type of person who likes to jump on a topic when it's hot and...topical. The early bird gets the worm, unless those birds are drinking out of a tequila bottle and in that case the last bird gets the worm.I for one am actually pretty excited about this show. Not necessarily because I think it is going to be that good, but because it is literally (and by literally I mean figuratively) opening up pandora's box to a whole world of new sitcoms based on TV commercials. I think if the Cavemen series does well, the next show to be created from a series of commerica...
More About: Easy

NOOOO!!!!!!!
2007-07-12 19:52:00
This is bad folks! Real bad. I just read today on CNN.com that a pipeline in Mexico was attacked by a left-wing guerrilla group leaving several major factories shutdown for the time being. Some of the factories shutdown by this fiasco are Hershey's, Kellogg's, Honda, and Nissan. NO! These are some of our tastiest foods and the companies that are the best at delivering those tasty foods. This is mayhem! We are at risk of a major chocolate shortage! Run to your local grocer and stock up as soon as possible! Pretty soon the chocolate prices will be through the roof! And then there will be buying and selling of chocolate on the black market and people killing for Kellogg's! That's the first problem. But we have another problem as well. How have guerrillas learned how to attack pipelines!? This is worse than when Raptors learned how to open doors. Also, how did they become left-wing guerrillas? Are these primates watching The Daily Show? Have they been listening to Al Franken and Mic...

Dear Michael Bay
2007-06-14 06:21:00
Dear Michael Bay,  First of all, I'd like to say that I am very excited for your latest film, Transfomers! I was a big fan of Transformers as a child. I know you are probably done filming and editing the movie, but I have a couple requests. First, I'd love to see a scene where one of the Transformers struggles to change from vehicle to robot. He gets almost all the way changed, and then gets stuck on one crucial piece. This is how it always went when I was playing with the toys, and I'd love for the movie to reflect that.Second, I'd really like to see a scene where a human is sitting in a car, and is brutally killed when the Transformer changes from car to robot. The person would just be obliterated! That would be so gruesome! Maybe you could get Quentin Tarantino to guest direct that scene. Think about it.Thanks,Nate
More About: Michael Bay

The Bourne Iterations
2007-06-06 21:16:00
This Summer Matt Damon will be hitting the theaters hard with The Bourne Ultimatum, the third in the Jason Bourne series. The first two were The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. Damon has claimed that this will be his last Bourne movie, but the studios would like to turn it into a franchise like the Bond films, using other actors to play the title role. Well the people over at Universal Pictures can rest a little easier now, because I have come up with 7 great Jason Bourne movie ideas (that way there will be 10 total films). I assume my check is in the mail.1. The Bourne Bjorn: Jason Bourne finds out he has child and is forced to fight against his assassins with a baby strapped to his chest. In one scene he disguises the baby as a bomb and threatens his enemies by saying "I have an explosive!" In the next scene Bourne changes his baby's diaper and says "Man, I didn't realize you were that explosive." Huge laughs from the audience.2. The Bourne Again Christian: Jason Bourn...
More About: Tera

Think With Your Headline
2007-06-06 19:03:00
A headline on CNN.com today reads "Plane Crash May Cost Transplant Patient His Life." Shouldn't that read, "Plane Crash DID Cost Pilot His Life" ?
More About: Line , Headline , With You