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494. when i dance best
2008-01-26 14:04:00
when i dance best, it is hard for me to separate the music from my toes, but i'm pretty certain that those nearby can tell completely.
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493. set in their ways
2008-01-25 14:04:00
nothing strikes me more sad than a thirty year old who is set in his ways like a ninety four year might be.nothing to learn for sixty four more years.seems pathetic really.

492. democrats are good loser figure outers
2008-01-25 02:15:00
if there is one election that the democrats should run away with, it is this one.but they won't.they won't because they're good loser figure outers.for instance, they've figured out that independents like me, who normally vote democrat, will not, if they swing the clinton club.the same club that continues to beat obama senseless at every turn with that "spin first, answer questions later" attitude.you know, the bush attitude.the same old same old attitude.why, it's so bad, i even heard keaton mumble, mccain.and they have no idea how troubling that mumble should be.none.
More About: Democrats , Good , Loser , Figure

(from the files) 120. explaining things
2008-01-23 14:54:00
there are a few things i can explain and do.there are a bunch of things i can’t explain and don't.but there are way too many things i can’t explain but explain them anyway.
More About: Things , Files

491. "you're in charge of dinner"
2008-01-22 01:36:00
no words stoke my anxiety like these parting words from keaton: you're in charge of dinner.my pallet of tastes is limited.my understanding of what flavors go with what other flavors, confused at best.she is pretty much a gourmet chef with taste buds of an iron chef.add the fact that i'm in charge because she has no idea when she'll be home, and you have the recipe for disappointment.but i try anyway.actually, i find a prepackaged, citrus-injected, marinaded pork loin the best bet—something, i'm proud to say, rachel ray has yet to discover.and it always tastes very, very ... well ... injected (which, come to think of it, is probably why rachel ray hasn't talked about it much).
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490. erectile dysfunction
2008-01-22 01:25:00
i just saw that levitra commercial.you know, that erectile dysfunction medicine.you know the one where you need to consult a doctor to make sure you are healthy enough to have sex.the funny thing is, that if a man has a heart beat, he figures he's healthy enough to have sex.he doesn't need no stinkin' doctor.besides if he's gonna die, i can't think of a more pleasant way, except maybe food poisoning from kobe beef or lobster or something.
More About: Erectile Dysfunction , Rect

489. hound, terrier and retriever
2008-01-20 16:35:00
i have been master to a beagle, a cairn and a labrador.the beagle was a poor listener.the cairn was a defiant yapper.and the labrador was ... well ... a labrador.the only common denominator was their love of walks, rides, treats and tug of war.oh yeah ... and that i was really master of none.
More About: Retriever , Hound

488. 1 to 100 drummers
2008-01-20 15:31:00
there is a video making the internet rounds about folks from age 1 to 100 playing the same drum.(it takes about a 100 seconds to watch: 1 to 100 drummers)when it was over, i wondered, what is the point?then i thought some more and concluded the point is that i'm on the wrong side of the aging curve—thank you very much.
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487. public speaking
2008-01-20 15:07:00
whenever i list the three things i fear most, death is third (it knocked dentists out three years ago), police pullovers second, and the runaway, perennial winner, public speaking.speaking in front of a group of humans numbering more than three has been so debilitating that one of my great, life accomplishments was navigating through college without having to give one oral report.unfortunately, it is what keeps me from accepting oprah's invitations.well, not receiving an invitation yet is probably the first reason, but when she eventually gets around to it, i plan to be busy that day.
More About: Public , Speaking , Public Speaking

486. a penny for your thoughts
2008-01-19 15:50:00
sometimes i have a million thoughts bouncing around in my head, and keaton will ask, a penny for your thoughts, and i'll grab one real quick, but it's always one that isn't so appropriate, and worth way more than a penny.so i try to grab another, but all the penny thoughts have vanished, so i have to say, got nothin' worth a penny.fortunately, ever since she bought that nine center in november of 2004, she leaves well enough alone.
More About: Thoughts , Penny

485. kevin trudeau and bondage shoes
2008-01-19 15:39:00
just when i think cranelegs pond blog is finally reaching tens of people, and i begin to feel my oats, i look at the stats of who is poking around, and discover the same sad truth.75% of the readers come here searching on kevin trudeau or female bondage shoes.my guess is they are somewhat disappointed (based on the number of four letter posts i have to purge).oh well, it does keep me balanced though, with that not so oatey feeling.
More About: Shoes , Kevin , Bondage

484. bobby fischer
2008-01-19 15:32:00
bobby fischer had an iq of over 180.he used it for two things: creative chess and creative jew hating.i think this iq stuff is hardly a predictor of smarts.
More About: Bobby , Fischer , Bobby Fischer

483. wegmans
2008-01-19 15:27:00
i know someday, someone will build a grocery store bigger and better than wegmans, but it is hard for me too envision what that might look like.apparently, i am an earthling shackled by a pedestrian imagination.

482. that cowlick hair style
2008-01-12 16:08:00
you know that style men have now, with those haphazard clumps sticking out, like a cowlick orgy atop the head.what's up with that?when did that happen?was it when i was up in alaska for a few days in 2006?
More About: Hair Style , Style , Hair

481. finally a way to identify conspiracy theory types
2008-01-12 15:59:00
it's been a long time comin'.too long in my book.but finally i have a bullet proof way to spot conspiracy theory types.they wear ron paul buttons.so as long as he is runnin' for office, i'm in pretty ... pretty ... pretty good shape.but once he stops, it's back to the drawing board for me.
More About: Theory , Conspiracy , Finally , Types , Conspiracy Theory

480. that huckabee sanctity of life conundrum
2008-01-12 15:35:00
so here's a former baptist minister who continues to preach the sanctity of life but loves to shoot up animals for sport, believes in executin' folk like they did to his own savior (albeit more humanely), and wants to build the biggest, baddest war machine in the world.i guess his scriptures never meant all life. just some life—of course, they never tell ya who really.[note: it was that kind of convoluted thinking that gave me cause to exit my baptist church at age fourteen. it would have been thirteen but there was this girl in the choir.]
More About: Life , Huckabee

377. the heart of the problem
2007-09-06 15:26:00
during the republican debate brit hume posed a hypothetical situation to all the candidates.it was a multifaceted scenario about a nuclear dangerous iran.the question was what would the candidates do about it.every candidate took their best shot at an answer.and that’s the problem.not one did what i would want a president to do.ask some god damn probing questions before taking an action, something dubya never did and we all know where that got us.and, i have no reason to believe the dems would be any different.
More About: Heart , Problem , The Heart

376. the tattoo
2007-09-06 14:01:00
it was only a matter of time before alex, my pseudo step-daughter, got inked, specifically, her ankle.and once again, i found myself floundering in a brave new female world.the unveiling went something like this.my cell phone began making a noise i had never heard before.i looked at it.it was blinking, new pix message.more accurately it was my first pix message—i’ve had the phone only two years.after referencing my trusty quick-guide, i figured out how to open the picture.it was a picture of something all right.it looked like a snowman with a top hat.then i received a voice message from alex, hey bob, i finally did it, what do ya think?i thought “finally did what”, which almost always translates to “uh oh”?i studied the picture again.ah, a tattoo!she got a tattoo.she got a tattoo of a … a ... snowman with a top hat?that’s weird!so i sent a voice message back to her saying, looks great!a most meaningless phrase, one meant to buy me time without disturbing the estrogen...
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375. spotting male hairpieces
2007-09-06 00:07:00
i lack a few important skills, for instance, cell phone mastery .another one is spotting male hairpieces.i know people who can spot a rug from a hundred yards away on a moonless night with sunglasses on.i’m in awe of them.it just seems like such a good skill to have.
More About: Male , Pieces

374. the query letter
2007-09-05 16:55:00
if you have a friend who is trying to find an agent or publisher for her or his first novel, sneak up behind them and whisper, query letter!but be sure to have a pair of those electric shock paddles for the heart nearby before you let the fun begin.as a matter of definition, the query letter is a one page sales pitch to those who publish that the unpublished agonizingly write, sometimes requiring more time and energy than the effort to write the book they are trying to print.and as if that isn’t painful enough, the ensuing avalanche of boiler plate reject letters pretty much seals the deal.no wonder the e-book industry is becoming e-normous—it's a prozac free holiday by comparison (and unfortunately pretty much income free as well).ah, the query letter.the good news is, if humility and rejection are your aspirations, well then, seeking publication can be a lucrative endeavor.(for a more in depth, and hopefully, more humorous look at the world of the unpublished, check under “...
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373. i just can’t vote for her
2007-09-05 02:09:00
every time i see hillary and bill playing it up to the camera i think, what hatchets people are willing to bury for power.and speaking of hatchets, if anyone had good reason to take a hatchet (ala bobbitt) to a spouse, she had it.it’s as if the clintons are under the influence of the ring bilbo and frodo baggins barely protected.i find it an absolute conundrum when hillary suggests she has strength and experience when she demonstrated neither when dealing with her spouse's repeated indiscretions.yeah, i heard her say that her faith saw her through the hard times.i say, pants suit on fire.look, i know it’s taboo to talk about it, but then again, i have never been good with taboo. ask keaton—she’s ready to take a hatchet to me just for suggesting this. (that’s what i like about her—hatchet passion.)the point of all this is that i can’t vote for her.and when i look over at the republican side of the fence, i say, please dems, don’t do this to me. i’m beggin’ ya.
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372. from the email bag 1
2007-09-04 15:52:00
after reading the short story “first kiss” and then spotting my pix, aliy emailed, you still look kissable to me.i replied back, thank you.and then in a fit of temporary male smugness, i bragged to keaton.she said, that’s nice. now, why don’t you just run along and fix a tire or something.i did and that was pretty much the end of what i called a good day for bob.
More About: Email

371. a better intelligent design?
2007-09-04 15:49:00
i asked my neighbor, hey dori, when did you become a christian?dori said, i was born a christian and then born again.i said, and you believe god is the creator of all life, you know, intelligent design.she said, well, we call it creationism.so i asked, if that's true, why didn't he just create heterosexual christians? wouldn't that have been the more intelligent thing to do?then she said, but then there would be no one to blame for evil. no homosexuals. no muslims. see?then i thought, geez, these christians sure do have answers to everything. that must be nice.
More About: Intelligent Design , Design , Intelligent , Gent

370. the surge in confusion is in full swing
2007-09-04 15:35:00
as goes the surge in iraq, so goes the surge in confusion.i understood the surge in troop levels was to provide the floundering iraqi political parties, all fifty of them, a more stable environment in which to reconcile their problems of the past four thousand years.made sense.worth a try.now we are told that the surge has has been working in anbar province.seems to be, anyway.yes, progress!we have also learned that little has been accomplished on the political front in the wake of a new, safer iraq.boo, no progress!but from the depths of political failure—surprise—the president is once more teasing us with a vague reference to drawing down the troops from the position of success that the surge is soon to provide.that success has been redefined, i'm thinking about nine days ago, and no longer has to do with national political reconciliation.it has to do with a bunch of sunni tribesmen, clans if you will, fighting along side our troops against al qaeda.this is being touted as po...
More About: Confusion , Full , Surge , Swing , Urge

369. audio notes
2007-09-02 15:23:00
i just started to use a voice recorder to capture pond ideas as they occur.i played back my first recorded idea from yesterday.the recorder said, write that funny thing benny said about cars and waxed floors.i played it back.the recorder said, write that funny thing benny said about cars and waxed floors.i thought to myself, what funny thing?then it occurred to me that i really do need to work on removing the "dumb" from my "dumb, idea recording skills".
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368. outer body experience
2007-09-02 15:21:00
keaton asked, have you ever had an outer body experience.i said, yeah, every time i come out of the shower and see myself in the mirror and to be honest the whole thing is disturbing.
More About: Body , Experience , Peri , Erie

367. when mitt runs for president he really runs
2007-08-31 14:34:00
just saw the new romney political ad.he’s running through a wooded trail like bambi, while a crisp, deep, male voice tells us about mitt and his tough credentials.i thought, geez what’s next? windsurfing? pheasant hunting?what is it about massachusetts that breeds campaigners right out of an orvis catalog?i suspect their water is not fluoridated.
More About: President , Runs , Mitt , Ally , Resident

366. runnin’ interference for keaton once again
2007-08-30 17:00:00
i said, there have been five phone messages from these landscaper guys about some job you want them to do.keaton said, yeah i know, don’t know what they’re talking about.i asked, well they seem to think you want them to do some stuff.keaton said, they’ll stop calling eventually.fast forward to yesterday.a knock at the door.two smiling, surly guys are standing there.i opened the door.one guy says, hello mr. wiggins?i said, no, bob crane, how are ya doin’?he said, oh i’m sorry, does mrs. wiggins live here?i said, ms. wiggins. yes, she does.the second guy rolled his eyes and looked away as if he had just stumbled upon something insalubrious, except he’d never use that word to describe it in a million years.i said, it’s a long story.another disdainful roll of his eyes.the first guy said, yeah well we’re from god’s green earth landscapers. we happened to be in the neighborhood, saw the car in the driveway, and thought we ought to stop in and see what ms. wiggins wants u...
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365. a year’s worth of cranelegs pond in less than half the time
2007-08-30 16:57:00
well i reached a milestone of sorts.365 posts.a year’s worth.and what a year it’s been.felt like half the time.come to think of it, it was only five months.damn, another meaningless, empty milestone achieved.what a loser.when will the madness stop?
More About: Time , Pond , Worth , Half , The Time

364. the manly-ways bribe
2007-08-29 18:00:00
keaton said, the dog just threw up on the carpet.i yelled, what?she said louder, the dog threw up on the carpet!i said, sorry, didn’t quite get that?she said, i said don't expect me to entertain your manly-ways for a month.i said, i'm getting paper towels and a bag as you speak, hon.she said, now that's more like it.and i thought, yeah, more like another manly-way bribe.
More About: The Man , Manly