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363. the real story behind the senator craig incident
2007-08-29 17:56:00
forget the pathetic press announcement the senator made.what do you expect from the poor lout?i mean this guy has some serious repressed stuff going on.and it doesn’t appear like he’s ready to deal with any of it any time soon.the real story to me is the airport public men’s restroom.for those of you who have never ventured into one of these joints, it is just about the last place on earth you’d ever want to rest, let alone have sex, with all the odors, and noises, and goin’ ons already—it’s an unsanitary free-for-all of the highest order in there.man, you have to be in dire straights, if that is a place you just have to try for a little romance.and of all the airports, why minnesota’s for god’s sake?how did that become the restroom of choice.did they advertise on reruns of will and grace, or project runway?and exactly what is it that folks plan to do when they get there, and how are they going to make it all come about, so to speak?i don’t know, the whole idea j...
More About: Story , Real , Incident , Craig , Senator

362. good bye mister gonzales
2007-08-28 15:32:00
i’m going to miss mr. gonzales (a.k.a., a-gon, around the bush household).seriously (not the "a-gon" part, the "missing" part).i always thought of him as that bush family pet with the law degree—the loyal lab of litigation that barked bilingually, so to speak.and when i think of him in that way, as opposed to attorney general, well, it just makes the whole episode heart-wrenching in a way.but i gain strength from knowing that in the end he’ll be happier, that is herding cattle instead of privacy rights, fetching sticks rather than signatures of the infirmed, you know, stuff bilingual labs with law degrees do naturally.oh well, his gain, my loss.and i have no problem with that.adiós mi amigo de cuatro piernas!
More About: Good , Gonzales , Zales

361. philly, the city of sisterly and motherly love
2007-08-28 15:30:00
against my better judgment i went to philly to see my beloved mets get trounced by the phillies.nice stadium.great food.and what a bunch of loving fans.so much so that the claim philly is the “city of brotherly love” really should be reconsidered.i’d say it is more like the “city of sisterly and motherly love”, because it was amazing how many philly men (and lesser extent women) proclaimed how they had made or wanted to make love to the sisters, and in a number of cases, mothers, of most met fans encountered.of course, the thoughts were expressed in ways i won’t repeat here—after all, we are talking about philadelphia—but the sentiments were touching just the same.
More About: Love , City , Philly

360. when plans don’t go as planned
2007-08-27 15:40:00
andy said, sometimes my plans don’t go as planned.i thought for a moment and said, i think they go as planned, it’s just that they're someone else's.
More About: Plans

359. have you seen the whachamacallit
2007-08-26 17:24:00
keaton said, where’s the whachamacallit.i said, the what?keaton said, you know, the whosiemadingy that was right here.i moved into manstake auto pilot and started looking in cabinets and stuff as if i knew what she was talking about, buying time for her to find whatever it was that was missing.then she announced, here it is. some one moved it.i said, probably me, i think my cleaning skills are a little too aggressive sometimes.then she said, yeah probably, ya might want to ease up a little bit.i nodded in agreement, as she placed the garlic press (a.k.a., whachamacallit) back in a drawer.and that is how it always goes when keaton misplaces a whosamawatchy.
More About: Cham , Maca

358. it’s a cat-3 hairicane dad
2007-08-26 17:22:00
i’ve been in hairicane season for about six years now, which means the top of my head is under constant surveillance by the storm center, manned normally by my son, and occasionally by riff raff.well, the other day my son flew hairicane reconnaissance over the crown of my head and reported sadly that the eye wall is well defined, that the outer bands are expanding, and that it appears to have grown into a classic cat-3 bald spot.i love my son to death, but there are times when his weather channel obsession doesn’t translate well to humor at the old man’s expense, something i could do without as i move into my cranky years.

357. groovy
2007-08-24 16:31:00
i was driving in the car recently with my son when someone on npr said, that’s groovy.i got the heebee jeebees.it is the one word from my generation that diminishes any language high road i can possibly try to take with my son’s generation.it is far worse than “far out” or “peace man”.and we can’t get rid of it fast enough in my book, including that dumb song by simon and garfunkel.so i glanced over at my son to see if he heard it.he was smirking but he always smirks at npr talk.so i asked, did you hear that?he said, hear what? i never understand what they’re talking about on this station.i said, good. good. keep it that way.i had dodged a baby boomer bullet.i could continue on with my lectures of the good old days, something i had learned from my parents, as they from theirs.
More About: Groovy

356. did you pack any explosives, knives or firearms?
2007-08-24 16:28:00
the security agent asked, have you packed any explosives, knives or firearms?i asked, is a sword a knife?she said, yes, of course.i asked, do you consider a jar of black plague an explosive?she said, hmm, good question.she made a call to her supervisor.then she said, a conditional yes. it depends on your purpose for carrying it.i said, suppose i collect jars of different diseases for hobby.she said, a disease hobbyist are ya? that’s okay.so i said, well then, i answer no on all counts.she said, thank you, please head to your gate.then i asked, hey, i'm just curious, so i hope you don't mind my asking but have you ever tripped up a terrorist with that probing question?she said, the word is out that they will be asked, so they aren’t flying any more. sir, i don’t think i’m going out on a limb when i say the skies haven’t been safer.i said, that’s a relief. good job, security agent.and i made my way to the gate thinking these homeland security guys and gals sure are on th...
More About: Explosives , Pack , Knives , Firearms

355. the fear factor
2007-08-23 16:59:00
benny said, america is the home of the brave.i said, i don’t know. first it was all that talk about mushroom clouds and wmds, and now it's this fighting them over there or else we’ll be fighting them in our malls and nursery schools stuff. it makes me wonder if maybe we are the house of the scared.then benny said, terrorist lover.and i said, hmm … well based on the veracity of all the white house talking points you’ve regurgitated since the war began, i’d have reason to be concerned if you thought otherwise.then benny said, your clever, elitist, defeatist, double speak won’t work on this brain, osama bin cranelegs.i thought, finally, we agree on something.so i nodded my affirmation and left it at that.
More About: Fear , Factor , Actor , Fear Factor

354. what ever happened to ted haggard?
2007-08-23 16:51:00
the last i heard, the good evangelist took three weeks of intense therapy to cast the devil’s grip of homosexuality from his soul.and, glory to god, he tested 100% heterosexual, although i have it on reliable sources that it was touch and go there for the tedster on the oral part of the exam.literally.
More About: Ted Haggard , Pene , Haggard

353. the king of flip-flops
2007-08-23 16:47:00
dubya said, i said the iraq war wasn’t like vietnam before i said it was like vietnam.
More About: The King , King , Flip , Flip-flops