Husbands

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My "New" Computer (from Husband)
2007-04-22 23:00:00
Well, I must admit, I sure have missed my husband this week. He's living in our new place, and we are following him there soon. Because this blog was created soley for the purpose of me to complain about annoying habits, I don't often mention how handsome and unbelievably sweet my husband is. Despite the annoying habits, clothes, decisions, ideas, handywork, and so on described in this blog, I am a very lucky woman.We bought this thing called a renderfarm for $5000 years ago when we were REALLY freaking poor. This was of course for Husband 's job. I always enjoyed spending money for his job, rather than paying rent. By the time he worked his way into top studios, the renderfarm was outdated. I said, "Time to get rid of this crap." But noooooooo, Husband insists, we might need it someday.And yes, one day, I needed a new computer. Somehow, he talked me into using this crap. Notice, it has no disk drive. It has no working CD drive (though I believe there is a "fake" CD drive there th...
More About: Computer

Only Two Bedrooms
2007-04-20 08:40:00
We paid the deposit on our new apartment, aka townhouse (because it has stairs). Husband is already there, and the boys and I can't wait to follow. I haven't seen the "townhouse" yet! I asked nervously if I'll have enough room for my computer in the bedroom. (As I have mentioned in prior posts, I am a writer, and our bedroom is my "office," and our bed is my "desk." )I was very afraid that the answer might be no. Then where would I work--the kitchen?? The living room? What would be my new desk--the couch? So Husband replies somewhat grimly, "Well, the kids' room in the new place is smaller than the old one. But the new master bedroom is larger than the old one. We'll probably just need to move the kids' bunkbed into our room. We could all sleep in there, and you could use the small room as an office." After 8 years of marriage, he still manages to come up with ideas that make me go "HU?!" And that is what I did, followed by a 10-15 minute lecture. I'm still irritated about ...
More About: Bedroom , Only , Room

Setting Up Gates, Husband Style
2007-04-15 08:57:00
We're moving in two weeks. There's going to be a LOT of dumb Husband stuff going on. In fact, it's already begun.Our new place has stairs in it. That's not ideal for my 2.5 year old whose dream is to ride a tricycle down a flight of stairs...So we're trying to figure out what types of blockades we can use to keep him away from the stairs.Husband said we should use gates that open and close at the top and bottom of the stairs. That sounded pretty good. Sure. Then I thought, well, but what if one of the boys fell down nevertheless, then they could hit the bottom gate. That might make things worse.Brace yourself. Husband replies, "Well, the best thing to do would be to put the gate in the center of the stairs. That way if one of them fell, he couldn't go far." And he looks at me with his eyebrows cocked like he has just had an idea that's going to win a freaking Nobel Peace Prize. Who the hell puts a gate in the freaking center of a flight of stairs?! COME ON. (And, yes, I am ab...
More About: Style , Gates

Clothes that Glow are Cool
2007-04-08 23:19:00
Holy Crap. I found this shirt in the closet and thought I'd photograph it for you. I was astounded at what happened when the camera flashed. The thing lit up like a firework! It's almost as bright as a freaking carlight. Wearing this thing outside on a sunny day might be a bad idea. Wearing this thing at all might be a bad idea. Even in a gym. Unless it's the one where Doctor Spok goes, in which case, he'd fit right in.The icing on the cake: he wears it with these green pants. Notice the hole in them. Notice also the weird tie mechanism these things have--it looks like they are violating themselves. I thought he did this to hide the tie, but he swears they came this way. I need to throw this little combo in the trash, but he LOVES this shirt. Maybe I could show him what happens when light hits it, and he'll understand that it's dangerous for peoples' eyes.
More About: Clothes , Cool , Hat , That , Glow

Husband Back to Normal (Acting Dumb Again)
2007-04-08 22:54:00
My husband is acting so DUMB that it's going to give me a freaking heart attack.He's already moved to the city where he found his job. So I have been searching the internet for an apartment there. We know the neighborhood where we want to live. Today he dropped an application off to a potential landlord there. He did a good job on that one (yahoo). HOWEVER:I said, "Hey, when you drop off the application, drive around and look for places for rent." Granted, this really doesn't even need to be said, as he will do it anyway. Particularly since he is staying 10 miles from this neighborhood now in a different city and doesn't go there often--it just makes sense to look while you're there. Just in case he didn't know the boundaries of the area to search, I named four streets that form a square. I said, "You could just drive up and down the streets there. Write down any phone numbers, and I will call them when you get back." Sounds simple, hu?GREAT. Two hours later, I'm all ready fo...
More About: Dumb , Acting , Back , Again , Husband

Husband Did Two Complex Things (I'm Scared)
2007-03-29 04:42:00
I am sitting in a state of complete and utter bewilderment. I truly might have trouble standing.Husband did two things all by himself this week. Two complex things. And he did them quickly. More quickly even than I. This scares me, and I am not trying to be funny.First, despite the post describing his pathetic attempts at job searching (and even theorizing about it), HE FOUND A JOB. FAST. Granted, the job has its pro's and con's. It's in another city, one that adds a great deal of confusion about where we will need to move next (due to not being near other jobs he knows he will apply for soon)...But it's a job. And quite a nice-paying one. Then...Please take a seat...He found his own room to rent. This, after I, the Master apartment and/or room-finder Extraordinaire, failed to even get a single e-mail response, despite my ingeniously crafted e-mails that made my husband sound like the roomate everyone always dreamed of but couldn't find...And he got it CHEAP. AND CLOSE TO HIS ...
More About: Care , Complex , Things , Scared , Thing

Handy Around the House?
2007-03-23 06:33:00
Is my husband handy around the house? Observe this little photo of a very simple 3 part lamp he assembled for us, and you tell me. You may be thinking to yourself, "Oh, it was probably broken when they got it." If only it had been...if only it had been. No, it wasn't broken when it arrived and could still be returned for a DAMN REFUND. It was broken when my husband put it "together."This isn't the only thing he has ruined around our house. It's only the beginning. I have so many objects I could photograph. Just a basic list of the most horrendous ones that come to mind: 1. There is a screw sticking out of the top of my children?s dresser--the sharp part of the screw sticking up vertically toward the ceiling. It's in the dead center--there's not even anything there to hold, no reason for a screw to even be in that area of the dresser. Yet it is, and it's upside down sticking out waiting to give someone tetanus. (I nailed it down to keep us all safe.)2. Sometimes I sit on the lo...
More About: House , Andy , Handy , Hand , Round

I'm Burning Some Boots
2007-03-22 08:03:00
I have a question: What the hell are these? No seriously, take a quiz. Answer these questions about the boots in this photo:1. They were ______.a. purchased and worn by a real person like you and meb. rented out by a costume shop as part of a pirate costumec. antiques that were worn by real cowboys in the Wild West2. The best way to dispose of them would be to ______.a. donate them to poor children who don't have enough money to buy real cowboy bootsb. shove the pointy toes in the gaspipes of coworkers you hatec. set them on fire while camping with TontoGod. I don't even know how to properly express the grief these m*#$ f**&&ers have caused me. Ankle boots for men should have never been freaking invented. COWBOY ankle boots for men is just evil. Plain evil. These damn things weigh like 20 f-ing pounds. WTF? I keep trying to throw them in the trash, but Wierd Husband catches me and grabs them and hides them. The good news is that he hasn't worn them for a long time. The bad n...
More About: Boots , Burning , Boot , Some , Burn

My Secret Daughter
2007-03-21 06:03:00
Despite Husband's frequent displays of idiocy and babyish behaviour, I would never ever cheat on him.I do, however, have an imaginary love affair with a Salvadoran cavalier named...you guessed it, Salvador. He is an actual person, but if there was chemistry between us, it remained completely unexposed. It was the kind of thing where you are so attracted to someone that you have to stay as far away from him as possible, because if you get within three feet of him, your neck starts jerking, and you blush a purplish shade of maroon, and your eyes get all dodgy. Also my hands would start shaking uncontrollably. It makes me wince just thinking about it. I have no proof that the attraction was mutual. Except that from afar, way, way afar, his glance did seem somewhat...dare I say...gratifyingly curious.We never said goodbye. Come to think of it, we never said hello! As I said, there was never any contact, and very few words between us. Just my own personal obsession, no, let's call it ...
More About: Secret , Daughter

I Hate Him
2007-03-19 06:25:00
Well, I guess I really don't hate my husband, or I wouldn't have a blog about him, now would I? My husband has many positive traits, but I have created this blog to help me get out my frustration at the other traits.For example, let's go over a few stupid things he did and said today. First, all of the corrections he gave me about child rearing (despite that I am home with the children alone during the 70 hours each week he works, as I am a stay-at-home and work-at-home mother). The other thing is job search-related (and stupid-related, as in stupid husband tries to job search). On the other hand, don't even get me started about his damn job "search." Let's stick to his "suggestions" on how I can better care for our children.Husband Correction of the Day:As Husband was trying to sleep at 11:00am, when the boys and I had already been up for over 3 hours, our youngest son kept trying to go into the room. This makes it hard for Husband to sleep, so I was trying to coax my son int...
More About: Hate , Hat

Stay Off My Desk
2007-03-17 07:44:00
Husband Mean Thing of the Day:Admittedly, after Husband got out of bed at 12pm, he helped me until Niko (the 2.5 year old I mentioned before) took his nap. Then Husband also napped. Till 5. But then he helped me all night. Granted, he acted irritably and babyish the whole time, but I was happy to have the help, as I have 15 pages to write by tomorrow. Why am I writing the blog right now? Well, anyway, so, Niko just went to sleep at 10pm, and Husband comes in our room and tries to get in bed.Excuse me, our bed is my desk (very small apt, very small bedroom, I have to put papers on my bed while I work and pretend the bed is a desk. It's distracting, but I have no choice.). No, he can not get in bed. You may think that sounds mean. But mind you, I watch our children while my husband is at work until 9, 10, 11 pm each night. We need the money--when he gets done, he comes home. Naturally, this doesn't leave me with an abundance of time to work.Of course, if I were the one who needed sl...
More About: Desk , Stay

Job Search Husband Style
2007-03-16 05:46:00
Dumb Husband Job Search This should probably be another entry. However, because it happened today, I'll add it and make it brief. Husband's contract expires in 2 weeks. Husband has applied for several new contracts. He wants to use a new software and is trying to get a contract that will involve it. He could snag a job in 2 days if he would just use the other softwares he knows. But oh noooo, Husband doesn't want to "give in." Um, hu? Give in? To what, an actual job offer? Interesting concept.No Honey, don't you dare give in to a job offer. I would prefer to live in a car and feed our children food that I collect from maple trees and berry patches. You hold tightly to those reigns and keep charging ahead! When you get a job in two years, you'll find us sleeping in the ladies' room at Target. Idiot.That's all. I need to go work now.
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