Tails From The Bird & BuffaloTails From The Bird & BuffaloOff the wall adult humour for those struggling with existential dread as The Bird & Buffalo are. Articles
NOTES FROM THE ORIFICE # 1
2008-03-13 16:05:00 IT'S A MODERN ORIFICE, ER... OFFICE. NO, MAKE THAT ORIFICE. WHERE BIRDY EKES OUT HIS LIFE AND DREAMS. AND THE UDDER DAY...BIRD: Busy day today, eh?VICKY (DA DUTY EDITOR, D'UH!): Yeah. You know, Birdy, I just feel so fulfilled here, like if I hadn't stepped through that door all those years ago...BIRD: 20 to be precise.VICKY: That I would never have known that I'd feel...BIRD: Older?VICKY: I don't feel older. Do I look older? BIRD: Vicky, you look great. We should go out for a drink sometime then take it from there.VICKY: No, really, do I look older?BIRD: Vicky, you look good enough to eat. Shit, what am I saying? I'm really sorry. My line manager's warned me about this.VICKY: I don't think I look so bad, considering.BIRD: Horse play. Intimacy. Longing. Relating. Sharing. Being. With another employee.VICKY: Do you know how much I earn? It's about twice what you get. Does that make me twice as important, eh? I think it does.BIRD: Vicky, you are three times a... More About: The Office , Notes
HOGGING THE HOG
2008-03-09 13:29:00 I'm high on the hogThe hog likes meAnd I like heOver here little hogCome hog meGentlyBIRD: Bootiful, Fifi. Woolly bootiful.BUFFALO: Yup. Sorry, gotta run. Laters.BIRD: The grimulations of an active bowel.BUFFALO: In the one eyed land of the king the constipated is unshaven, or sumfink like that.BIRD: Been in the raspberry dip again, I see.BUFFALO: An active behind leads to active mind.BIRD: Can't argue with that. But where have all the good times gone?BUFFALO: It's coming, dude. Tally-ho, Mr Toe.BIRD: Jam at eleven.BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
METAFIZZICKLE PREMONITION IN SLUMBERLAND
2008-02-13 12:48:00 BUFFALO: You OK dere, Birdy?BIRD: Nah. Can't sleep.BUFFALO: Wassup?BIRD: Had this dream.BUFFALO: Oh, yeah. Bout wot?BIRD: Phil Ossifee. Me and Wittgenstein were shooting da breeze, like.BUFFALO: Jeez. Metafarcical, like. Go on.BIRD: Well, Lud was saying that philosophical problems are not solved through finished experiments, and facts are not things, but are still useful.BUFFALO: Fook! You lost me past the ice cream parlor there, Binky.BIRD: So I said what about the directives? We point out directives then withdraw dissatisfied due to words and pieces of failures being similar.BUFFALO: Dude, wot the fook are you talking about?BIRD: Patience, o bovine one, I'm getting to the punch line. So Lud said "The meaning of a word is to be defined by the rules for its use, not by the feeling that attaches to the word."BUFFALO: O Jeez!BIRD: So that got me thinking. What support does that word have? Moreover, what rights does that word have? Does that word have a say in being used? Are we not ... More About: Premonition
REASONS TO BE TEARFUL PART 1
2008-02-12 13:14:00 BUFFALO: This just in from the head doc: Inappropriate or exaggerated responses to situations; excessive restlessness; drowsiness; worrying excessively; reduced confidence; mood swings; indecisiveness; poor concentration; trembling, sweating; lethargy; social withdrawal; irritability or anger; intoxication; dramatic weight loss or gain; change in personal hygiene or dress; feeling helpless or hopeless; being isolated; threatening or dangerous behaviour; bizarre behaviour or thinking and recurring bouts of emotional diarrhoea. Dude, I'm fooked! More About: Reasons , Part
BANGED AGAIN! @@banged.com
2008-02-11 13:53:00 WARNING: PARENTAL ADVISORY, UH DERISORY. THIS EXCERPT CONTAINS THE YO! SEAL OF APPROVALTHE ARSE**** LITERARY REVULSION GOES ON, FROM BANGED!, A STORY WITHIN A STORY WITHIN A VANILLA FUDGE BOMB OF THE SYMBIOITIC UNKIND. OUR HEROINE IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT JUST EXACTLY WHAT MAKES THE FREDDY TIME BOMB TICK...But Bo wasn?t listening. For every x there?s a y. For every positive there?s a negative. For every up there?s a down. You get the idea.?But I want my Clarissa back!?Still Bo said nothing.?What the ****?s going on?? Chuck blurted out from the corner of the mirror.Carla stroked the smooth tip of her new-grown member. ?Sorry there, Chuck, it would appear that I?m not a woman at all, but a? well, uh, transsexual. Yeah, that?s the one. I?m on gender reassignment. A man trapped in a woman?s body. How?d ya like my Freddy?? She swung it up and down. ?Kinda cute, ain?t he? 12 inches of pure pleasure. Don?t it make ya want to just get down and give it a good suck??Chuck took a few...
THE GREATEST SENTENCE EVER WRITTEN Q BUFFTERS
2008-02-07 13:53:00 AS VOTED FOR BY THE WORLD FORUM FOR PHILOLOGICAL UNIVERSALITY IN THE ORIFICIAL MINDI might as well stick a Roman candle up me ass and expect to speak fluent Latin.BUFFALUS INTELLIGENTUS More About: Written , Sentence , Greatest
BANGED! AN INSERT @
2008-01-28 14:37:00 FROM THE SHORTLY TO BE PUBLISHED AND ENDOWED WITH MANY ACCOLADES NOVEL BANGED! ANOTHER IRRESISTIBLE BIRD & BUFFALO ARSE***K LITERARY REVULSION.Chapter 14a Section 7Airports. F***ing airports. Can?t escape them. Tedium city. But this was the only way she?d unscramble her head. Once she was safe in the Village, with the Reconfigurator, everything would go back to the way it had been only a few months ago ? boring and predictable but somehow far more desirable than this aimless rampage of crime and mind f***s. The Village. Five hours by air, then a short trek in the desert. Flo had often talked about it. Said it would be their little secret. Said if things ever got really f****ed up, she had to make her way there and ask for Viscount Framlingham.And now there were two hours to kill before the flight that would bring her back to dear old safe sanity in suburbia. How she wished Bo was still around. She fancied a Bo bang. One of those really filthy, disgusting no-holes-barred ones tha...
OF LIBRARATORIAL PORKING Q REGGIE CHIVERS
2008-01-17 14:17:00 BIRD: You OK, dude?BUFFALO: Do I sound OK? Of course I'm not OK. I'm fookin' depressed, OK?BIRD: Not cos they're closing down yer library, like?BUFFALO: Yes, cuz they're closing down my library. I've spent many a happy hour there. You know what they say about gal librarians with glasses, doncha? Well, it's all true. They go like rockets. Stick a strap on 'em and they could work for NASA.BIRD: So you're sad that the site of your despicable acts with bespectacled damsel librarians whose names you no longer recall will be reduced to bubble rubble, innit?BUFFALO: Not just that. I discovered Joyce there. And Henry Miller. And Reggie Chivers for chrissakes.BIRD: Reggie who?BUFFALO: Oh, don't give me that shit. Reggie Chivers, author of The Porking Principle.BIRD: Sorry, dude, you lost me past the greyhound track.BUFFALO: Oh, come on. It's a seminal work of the taffeta underground.BIRD: Taffeta wot? Xplain, pliz, Lucy.BUFFALO: Jeez. The Porking Principle, in a runt shell, is thi... More About: Hive
MOVE ALONG, FOLKS, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE
2008-01-06 18:46:00 AND THE WINNER OF THE PUT BOUVET ISLAND ON THE MAP BEFORE IT GETS NUKED OR COLONISED BY GIANT UDDERS SELF ASSESSING RETURNABLE VERSE GOES TO...MOVE ALONG, FOLKS, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HEREWhere to now? she said Mind the hole he said I'm already in More About: Move
ODE TO CELERY Q SAVE OUR VEGGIES
2008-01-03 14:48:00 An Ode to Celery Oh, thou supremestalked usefulvegetable.I do desireyou More About: Save
A CHRISTMAS SCENE Q TOBY IN THE PANTRY
2007-12-18 13:15:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: You haven't, have you?HOLMES: Not yet, but I was thinking about it.WATSON: Shall we?HOLMES: Well, I don't see why not.WATSON: One, two, three...(RIPPING SOUND)WATSON: Toby , you filthy mutt!HOLMES: Abominable hound!WATSON: Whiffy woofer!HOLMES: No more beans for you, my lad.WATSON: Hudders, take him away.HOLMES: Lock him in the pantry and throw away the key.WATSON: Serves him right.HOLMES: Quite.WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I can feel another one coming on.HOLMES: Me too.WATSON: But now there's no Toby to take the flak.HOLMES: Indeed.WATSON: What to do what what what.HOLMES: Open the window quick and get the bellows ready.WATSON: Top hole!HOLMES: Quick, I said!(WINDOW IS FLUNG OPEN, FOLLOWED BY LOUD RIP)HOLMES & WATSON: Ahhhh...WATSON: Merry Christmas , Holmes!HOLMES: Merry Christmas, Watson!WATSON: Ablutions at eleven.HOLMES: Not half! More About: Sherlock Holmes , Scene , Pantry
FIRING BLANKS IN A WINDY CRESCENT AT CHRISTMAS TIME IN THE MORNING
2007-12-17 14:28:00 FIRING BLANKS IN A WINDY CRESCENTAT CHRISTMAS TIME IN THE MORNINGI wasfiring blanksbut she didn't seem tomind More About: Christmas , Time , Morning , Windy , In The Morning
WHAT'S FOR TEA, DORIS?
2007-12-10 14:02:00 THE RUNNER-UP IN MARTHA'S MUFFINS SIMMERING GENTLY POETRY OF THE LOST MILLENNIUM SPONSORED BY YouBoob IS...WHAT'S FOR TEA, DORIS?Safe inthe glowOfADung Beetle'sPooWhat's for tea,Doris?
NetFlix Fix Q Sparky Nooks
2007-12-09 14:31:00 BIRD: Buff, what's Sparky been up to lately?BUFFALO: Fookin' up, as usual.BIRD: What's he done now?BUFFALO: I've been waiting all week for my first DVD from NetFlix . It finally occurred to me that bonehead might've intercepted it. Sure enough. The flaming twit didn't even bother to read the address label. He sent it back, because HE hadn't ordered it.BIRD: Have you properly chastised him, then?BUFFALO: No, it does no good. He just stands like a plank, inscrutable as a bleedin' Buddha. Doesn't matter if you praise him and give him a dog biscuit or smack him upside the head with a snow shovel. No reaction. It's inhuman, like.BIRD: What about his cooking? Has it improved at all?BUFFALO: Not a bit. Every day when he returns from work he nooks some kind of vile concoction in the nooker. No idea what it is, but it smells like the toxic residue from the horse-knacking factory. I have to fumigate the oven before I can use it, and I'm spending a small fortune on room deodorizers. ... More About: Netflix , Lube , Nook
MAMMARIES WON'T LET YOU DOWN
2007-12-06 12:44:00 BUFFALO: As you may have guessed, I didn't hang myself after all.BIRD: Glad to hear it, dude.BUFFALO: Although I should have.BIRD: What stopped ya, like?BUFFALO: Mammaries , I mean memories.BIRD: Ah, memories. They won't let you down.BUFFALO: Even though most of them are bad ones. Horrorshow nightmares, like.BIRD: But at least they're yours.BUFFALO: And they keep coming back, stabbing me when I'm not looking. BIRD: Wot, memories?BUFFALO: Mammaries.BIRD: Mammaries?!BUFFALO: Mammaries, memories, aren't they the same thing, all things sagged and done? I just know that if Mom hadn't denied me that lactose at birth, I'd be a happier bison now. Dad always said jugs would be my downfall.BIRD: Dude, you're not making much sense.BUFFALO: Every time I try to reach out to them they elude my touch, fall out of focus, slip softly away leaving no trace. I've spent my life trying to grasp them, trying to BE with them. But no, they don't want me, they never did, and here I am again, clutch... More About: Tube
HOT GROG SAVE ME Q 911
2007-12-04 13:02:00 BUFFALO: Damn, nose stuffed up, head throbbing, muscles aching, eyes burning... and no lemons or whisky to make hot toddies with. Sonofabitch. No choice but to make a lemon and likker run, I guess. Hmmm. Let's see... there's some gin, but no whisky... blackberry brandy; God no, if I start on that, I'll do the whole pint and then I'm screwed, blue, er, black... black and blue. No, what I need is hot buttered rum - fookin' GROG! Yes, that's the ticket, hot grog with butter and biscuits. I can drink it and bathe in it. Okay, shower, fook the shave, off to Kroger's and the likker store. If that turd calls me "Boss" again I'm decking him. I don't know what's worse, "My friend" or "Boss". On second thoughts, maybe I'll just hang myself from the highest beam. But I can't find the rope I'm looking for, a classic Sacre Bleu Velveeta Rope (in Latin, an SPQR). All the others are much too scratchy (and tacky). When I finally do hang myself, it will be with the utmost style and deco... More About: Tube , Save , Martha , Save Me , Grog
A BLOGO BY ANY OTHER NAME
2007-12-03 14:18:00 BUFFALO: Wot a logo! Wot a logo! All the girls I've ever known have loved woodpeckers. Or is it woodies and peckers? It's been so long now. Anyhoo...BIRD: A pecker made of pine even, hence the expression, pining for you!BUFFALO: The Plywood Pecker. . . good name for a bar.BIRD: Serving fresh woodies daily.BUFFALO: Made my vanilla sundae, innit.BIRD: And my raspberry cheesecake.BUFFALO: And don't forget the mugs, thousands of them, floating into space.BIRD: To educate and alleviate the asses.BUFFALO: Quite right, Lee. Expressing our infernal gratitude to the Foxy Finn for immortalizing us in pen, ink and drool. BIRD: And so she has. A blog isn't a blog without a good logo. BUFFALO: A blogo, like. BIRD: Egg-zack-lee! Aren't you the clever Buff? BUFFALO: Well, I don't have a brain the size of a pea, innit? BIRD: You filthy beast! Jeremiah, fetch my Hawkin gun! Take that, you cowardly bovine! BUFFALO: Ouch! That hurt!BIRD: Film at eleven.BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
BOUVET ISLAND BOOGIE
2007-12-01 13:53:00 BIRD: Yup, it's true, Buff. We have officially become the cultural ambassadors for Bouvet Island . And henceforth they have agreed to replace their flag with our logo.BUFFALO: Wikkid! Now wot about da chicks, like, innit, wasshappin, dude?BIRD: Been at the sherry trifle again, I fear. It's uninhabited, like. But I'm sure Miss Bouvet Island, 2007, a vegetarian, will oblige with the formalities.BUFFALO: Nice! Anyone for seconds?BIRD: Yaaap!BUFFALO: Three cheers for the logo and Marja, the whizzo with the coloured stick! Hip, hip...B&B: Hooray!BUFFALO: Hip, hip...B&B: Hooray!BUFFALO: Hip, hip...B&B: Hoorayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!BUFFALO: Oh, fudge rocket, I've soiled myself.BIRD: Nice! Film at eleven.BUFFALO: Unlimited T-shirts, mugs and assorted memorabilly-ya at twelve. Arf, arf!
SEAHORSES ONLY GRIN WHEN THEY'RE READY
2007-11-26 13:53:00 The seahorse leaptupfrom thetoilet bowlAndnibbledthepork sausagebutwhat agrin More About: Ready , Grin
MEOW ZIK
2007-11-22 14:27:00 MEOW ZIKThe catSpread outthe rugAnd unrolledthe tapemeasureSeven feetOfCurlySideburns More About: Meow
WOT THE FREDDY: DIMINISHING ASSETS
2007-11-19 14:39:00 FROM PUB SPLASHER'S WEEKLY:New research carried out by the Fecundatory Futures Movement has revealed that, as feared, men's testicles are shrinking at an alarming rate. The study, entitled The Lost Testicle In The Modern Era, measured over two million testicles worldwide. It finds that the average size of testicles in males is 7.5mm in diameter LESS than the average size of testicles of shrimp farmers in Wisconsin and potato growers in Patagonia. Scientists predict that at the current rate of shrinkage, by 2021 testicles may disappear altogether. World leaders will be gathering at an extraordinary meeting of the Intergovernmental Welfare For Gonads Forum in Lucerne in December to discuss what can be done to halt the deflationary tendencies of the appendages sometimes referred to as "love sacs" or "balls" in more polite circles, and "bollocks" and "nuts" in less polite circles.Males are being advised that if they are having trouble finding their testicles, they should consult th... More About: Freddy , Reddy , Nish
HAPPIER THAT WHEY
2007-11-17 12:51:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I do believe it's time to cut the cord.HOLMES: Watson, if it's about those chocolate hobnobs that you polished off last night, it's OK. Really.WATSON: No, Holmes, you've got the wrong end of the thermometer. It's time for me to leave.HOLMES: And you want me to approve it?WATSON: Not exactly. I just thought...HOLMES: That I might persuade you to stay? My dear batty quacky, man is born with freewill and the ability to make his own decisions. If you want to leave, you must have a perfectly good reason for doing so. I shall not intervene in your yearnings.WATSON: So that's it, is it? Fifteen years of unwavering devotion and all I get is a footnote about "yearnings".HOLMES: My dear boy, what more do you want? A touching speech that tugs at the heart strings of every sensitive maid in Old Albion? A notice in the Times about your impending departure and a few lines of deep gratitude for all you have done to assist the great Sh... More About: Sherlock Holmes , Happier
NEKKID AND DEAD
2007-11-15 13:57:00 Nekkid and deadYet stillBreathingThroughthe left nostrilOfFake kindness More About: Bill Clinton , Dead
REDRESSING SALIENT POINTS & PIE HOLES
2007-11-05 12:40:00 FROM THE AULD BUFF IN RESPONSE TO G-FORCE'S HEINOUS LETTER:Dear G-Hole, I?d like to address the salient points of your recent communiqué:?You've always been a true friend to me??Actually, I?ve ratted you out to the Thought Police on more than one occasion, and I?ve sent newspaper clippings of all your public disgraces to your mother, which probably explains why you?ve been disowned. Just be thankful that I didn?t deposit a Coke bottle up your corn hole that time you passed out in my living room, in a gigantic puddle of your own aromatic chuck-up.?? and you?ve always said you'd take a bullet for me.?Dream on, you reprobate. I said I?d LOAN you a bullet, and I'd be happy to get back the spent cartridge.?A monster banger up the carpal tunnel too. And I respect that.?I can only assume this is an allusion to my alleged skills as a professional scribbler. If it?s an allusion to backdoor boogie, you can go and shag yourself with a Howizter, you degenerate, steaming pile of loose moose ... More About: Barclays , Points , Holes , Redress , Dressing
MUMMY OF TUTANKHAMEN SPEAKS OUT
2007-11-05 01:37:00 I just want him back. I know I was wrong. I shouldn't have shouted at him... I fooked up, OK? I said I'd kicked the habit but I lied. What more can I say? I'm really sorry, son. I swear, as Pharaoh Ramses II is my witness, that I will never do coke again. Please, PLEASE come back. Without you, your mummy's nuthin'. The moment you walk in that door, I'm in rehab. Deffo. Love you, Tootie poos. More About: Mummy , Amen
G-FORCE VENDETTA PART 1
2007-11-04 14:41:00 BUFFALO: At 2 AM, G-Force used his one and only phone call to let me know he?s in jail. Driving with a suspended license. Third offense. What should he do? After careful thought, I advised him to gently extract his cranial appendage from his rectal orifice. Or, just hang himself. He promised to think about it. And then he wrote this note:"Dear Buff,You've always been a true friend to me. And you've always said you'd take a bullet for me. A monster banger up the carpal tunnel too. And I respect that. And I know that over the years I have given you mucho shito with my wikkid ways. So I thought you should know, in case the tab doesn't work, compadre, that it was I that fooked up your marriage and got your sad ass fired from the production company. Indeed, if you hadn't been so fixated on watching Blazing Saddles YET AGAIN on TCM that hoary night in November, you woulda noticed me shivering like a skinned coyote behind your refrigerator with frozen balls the size of melons.If it's... More About: Part
WINNER OF THE 2007 INTERNATIONAL GIANT PLANTAIN POETRY COMPETITION FEATURIN
2007-10-25 14:47:00 Our thanks go to head of the judges Daniil Kharms, who's dead you know.nb This competition will open then close again on November 1st at thirteen minutes to midnight. All entries should be lightly salted and perfectly manicured. Happy pickling!SMOKING BREAMSpittleDanglingDrowningOn a sandwichAfter teaBut before ZMind the giraffeHe's dead you know More About: International , Poetry , Competition , Giant , Winner
COLLY BOBBLES & OTHER ANIMALS
2007-10-23 12:21:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Do you think there is life after death?HOLMES: Why do you ask? Isn't this one enough for you?WATSON: It's just there's so much pain and suffering. It'd be nice to think that there's a reward waiting.HOLMES: My dear quack, you have no idea what pain and suffering is. You've never been shot at, knifed, raped, robbed or died a slow death through lack of food or warmth. Just be grateful for what you've got.WATSON: It's just...HOLMES: Contrary to popular Watsonian rectal philosophy, the world DOES NOT revolve around you, it merely tolerates your incessant whining and self-obsessive behaviour.WATSON: I say, old bean, that's a bit harsh.HOLMES: Quite mild, actually, and verifiably true.WATSON: I was talking theoretically, old man. And also the fact that... (groans) there seems to be a poisoned dart protruding from my diaphragm.HOLMES: What?! Oh, so there is. I wonder how that got there?WATSON: Am I going to die, old chum?HOLMES: Po... More About: Animals , Sherlock Holmes , Olly
ANGRY DUCKS, POTTY RUSKIES & FICKLEHOLES
2007-10-11 12:48:00 BIRD: You sound pretty wasted, Buffters. What was you up to last nite?BUFFALO: Alligators, Birdy. Up to my ass in 'em. Sometimes I get a break, though, and then it feels like I'm being eaten alive by ducks.BIRD: Any particular kind of ducks?BUFFALO: Very angry ducks, ducky.BIRD: Bordering on mad?BUFFALO: Yes, pre-size-lee. Mad ducks.BIRD: Are they are bad as mad dogs?BUFFALO: Wurse. They don't foam at the mouth, so by the time you've figgered out they're mad, you've already been bitten.BIRD:And danger of infection? Contamination even?BUFFALO: No, fortunately I've been quite mad for most of my life, so I'm immune. I think my current de-lemo can best be summed up in the dire log between our two most favorite Russian scallywags.BIRD: Blimey, you mean the Russian virgin of Laurel and Hardy?BUFFALO: The very ones. I've been eavesdropping on them. It appears that they've gotten themselves into a mighty pickle.BIRD: Turn up the watts, Buff, so we can all have a listen, innit.BUFF... More About: Dave , Angry
WIND AND KITE ON DA BACK SEAT
More articles from this author:2007-10-10 15:38:00 BIRD: Snap out of it, dude. It may never happen.BUFFALO: Wot do you know about it, dude? You weren't there.BIRD: The mind plays winsome tricks, pair of noya an' all.BUFFALO: Whatever. But I know wot she said.BIRD: Just words, Buffters. Sometimes well ordered. Sometimes misplaced.BUFFALO: Dude, listen to yourself. You're playing the game too. Aiming for profound but hitting a big fat pisswilly asswonk.BIRD: Now I know you're upset, and a shade disorientated even, but you can be civil.BUFFALO: I wear my heart on my sleeve. And everything else. You don't like it, suck on my gazunda!BIRD: Whoa. Violation 1, retraction accepted. I haven't done anything. I'm trying to get you to talk your way through the fading blancmange.BUFFALO: Highly unsuck-Cecilly so far, I might subtract.BIRD: OK, look, if you hadn't started at A then said B then heard C but thought D, E wouldn't have occurred to you now. And as for F and G, well, they can wait until we've sussed out if A1 has... More About: Wind , Seat , Back , Kite 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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