Tails From The Bird & Buffalo

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MEOW ZIK
2007-11-22 14:27:00
MEOW ZIKThe catSpread outthe rugAnd unrolledthe tapemeasureSeven feetOfCurlySideburns
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WOT THE FREDDY: DIMINISHING ASSETS
2007-11-19 14:39:00
FROM PUB SPLASHER'S WEEKLY:New research carried out by the Fecundatory Futures Movement has revealed that, as feared, men's testicles are shrinking at an alarming rate. The study, entitled The Lost Testicle In The Modern Era, measured over two million testicles worldwide. It finds that the average size of testicles in males is 7.5mm in diameter LESS than the average size of testicles of shrimp farmers in Wisconsin and potato growers in Patagonia. Scientists predict that at the current rate of shrinkage, by 2021 testicles may disappear altogether. World leaders will be gathering at an extraordinary meeting of the Intergovernmental Welfare For Gonads Forum in Lucerne in December to discuss what can be done to halt the deflationary tendencies of the appendages sometimes referred to as "love sacs" or "balls" in more polite circles, and "bollocks" and "nuts" in less polite circles.Males are being advised that if they are having trouble finding their testicles, they should consult th...
More About: Freddy , Reddy , Nish

HAPPIER THAT WHEY
2007-11-17 12:51:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I do believe it's time to cut the cord.HOLMES: Watson, if it's about those chocolate hobnobs that you polished off last night, it's OK. Really.WATSON: No, Holmes, you've got the wrong end of the thermometer. It's time for me to leave.HOLMES: And you want me to approve it?WATSON: Not exactly. I just thought...HOLMES: That I might persuade you to stay? My dear batty quacky, man is born with freewill and the ability to make his own decisions. If you want to leave, you must have a perfectly good reason for doing so. I shall not intervene in your yearnings.WATSON: So that's it, is it? Fifteen years of unwavering devotion and all I get is a footnote about "yearnings".HOLMES: My dear boy, what more do you want? A touching speech that tugs at the heart strings of every sensitive maid in Old Albion? A notice in the Times about your impending departure and a few lines of deep gratitude for all you have done to assist the great Sh...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Happier

NEKKID AND DEAD
2007-11-15 13:57:00
Nekkid and deadYet stillBreathingThroughthe left nostrilOfFake kindness
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REDRESSING SALIENT POINTS & PIE HOLES
2007-11-05 12:40:00
FROM THE AULD BUFF IN RESPONSE TO G-FORCE'S HEINOUS LETTER:Dear G-Hole, I?d like to address the salient points of your recent communiqué:?You've always been a true friend to me??Actually, I?ve ratted you out to the Thought Police on more than one occasion, and I?ve sent newspaper clippings of all your public disgraces to your mother, which probably explains why you?ve been disowned. Just be thankful that I didn?t deposit a Coke bottle up your corn hole that time you passed out in my living room, in a gigantic puddle of your own aromatic chuck-up.?? and you?ve always said you'd take a bullet for me.?Dream on, you reprobate. I said I?d LOAN you a bullet, and I'd be happy to get back the spent cartridge.?A monster banger up the carpal tunnel too. And I respect that.?I can only assume this is an allusion to my alleged skills as a professional scribbler. If it?s an allusion to backdoor boogie, you can go and shag yourself with a Howizter, you degenerate, steaming pile of loose moose ...
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MUMMY OF TUTANKHAMEN SPEAKS OUT
2007-11-05 01:37:00
I just want him back. I know I was wrong. I shouldn't have shouted at him... I fooked up, OK? I said I'd kicked the habit but I lied. What more can I say? I'm really sorry, son. I swear, as Pharaoh Ramses II is my witness, that I will never do coke again. Please, PLEASE come back. Without you, your mummy's nuthin'. The moment you walk in that door, I'm in rehab. Deffo. Love you, Tootie poos.
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G-FORCE VENDETTA PART 1
2007-11-04 14:41:00
BUFFALO: At 2 AM, G-Force used his one and only phone call to let me know he?s in jail. Driving with a suspended license. Third offense. What should he do? After careful thought, I advised him to gently extract his cranial appendage from his rectal orifice. Or, just hang himself. He promised to think about it. And then he wrote this note:"Dear Buff,You've always been a true friend to me. And you've always said you'd take a bullet for me. A monster banger up the carpal tunnel too. And I respect that. And I know that over the years I have given you mucho shito with my wikkid ways. So I thought you should know, in case the tab doesn't work, compadre, that it was I that fooked up your marriage and got your sad ass fired from the production company. Indeed, if you hadn't been so fixated on watching Blazing Saddles YET AGAIN on TCM that hoary night in November, you woulda noticed me shivering like a skinned coyote behind your refrigerator with frozen balls the size of melons.If it's...
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WINNER OF THE 2007 INTERNATIONAL GIANT PLANTAIN POETRY COMPETITION FEATURIN
2007-10-25 14:47:00
Our thanks go to head of the judges Daniil Kharms, who's dead you know.nb This competition will open then close again on November 1st at thirteen minutes to midnight. All entries should be lightly salted and perfectly manicured. Happy pickling!SMOKING BREAMSpittleDanglingDrowningOn a sandwichAfter teaBut before ZMind the giraffeHe's dead you know
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COLLY BOBBLES & OTHER ANIMALS
2007-10-23 12:21:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Do you think there is life after death?HOLMES: Why do you ask? Isn't this one enough for you?WATSON: It's just there's so much pain and suffering. It'd be nice to think that there's a reward waiting.HOLMES: My dear quack, you have no idea what pain and suffering is. You've never been shot at, knifed, raped, robbed or died a slow death through lack of food or warmth. Just be grateful for what you've got.WATSON: It's just...HOLMES: Contrary to popular Watsonian rectal philosophy, the world DOES NOT revolve around you, it merely tolerates your incessant whining and self-obsessive behaviour.WATSON: I say, old bean, that's a bit harsh.HOLMES: Quite mild, actually, and verifiably true.WATSON: I was talking theoretically, old man. And also the fact that... (groans) there seems to be a poisoned dart protruding from my diaphragm.HOLMES: What?! Oh, so there is. I wonder how that got there?WATSON: Am I going to die, old chum?HOLMES: Po...
More About: Animals , Sherlock Holmes , Olly

ANGRY DUCKS, POTTY RUSKIES & FICKLEHOLES
2007-10-11 12:48:00
BIRD: You sound pretty wasted, Buffters. What was you up to last nite?BUFFALO: Alligators, Birdy. Up to my ass in 'em. Sometimes I get a break, though, and then it feels like I'm being eaten alive by ducks.BIRD: Any particular kind of ducks?BUFFALO: Very angry ducks, ducky.BIRD: Bordering on mad?BUFFALO: Yes, pre-size-lee. Mad ducks.BIRD: Are they are bad as mad dogs?BUFFALO: Wurse. They don't foam at the mouth, so by the time you've figgered out they're mad, you've already been bitten.BIRD:And danger of infection? Contamination even?BUFFALO: No, fortunately I've been quite mad for most of my life, so I'm immune. I think my current de-lemo can best be summed up in the dire log between our two most favorite Russian scallywags.BIRD: Blimey, you mean the Russian virgin of Laurel and Hardy?BUFFALO: The very ones. I've been eavesdropping on them. It appears that they've gotten themselves into a mighty pickle.BIRD: Turn up the watts, Buff, so we can all have a listen, innit.BUFF...
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WIND AND KITE ON DA BACK SEAT
2007-10-10 15:38:00
BIRD: Snap out of it, dude. It may never happen.BUFFALO: Wot do you know about it, dude? You weren't there.BIRD: The mind plays winsome tricks, pair of noya an' all.BUFFALO: Whatever. But I know wot she said.BIRD: Just words, Buffters. Sometimes well ordered. Sometimes misplaced.BUFFALO: Dude, listen to yourself. You're playing the game too. Aiming for profound but hitting a big fat pisswilly asswonk.BIRD: Now I know you're upset, and a shade disorientated even, but you can be civil.BUFFALO: I wear my heart on my sleeve. And everything else. You don't like it, suck on my gazunda!BIRD: Whoa. Violation 1, retraction accepted. I haven't done anything. I'm trying to get you to talk your way through the fading blancmange.BUFFALO: Highly unsuck-Cecilly so far, I might subtract.BIRD: OK, look, if you hadn't started at A then said B then heard C but thought D, E wouldn't have occurred to you now. And as for F and G, well, they can wait until we've sussed out if A1 has...
More About: Wind , Seat , Back , Kite

VERITABLE CATS AND DOGS AGAIN
2007-10-09 12:54:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Is it still raining?HOLMES: Veritable cats and dogs.WATSON: Oh, dear. So it's not the smog.HOLMES: Alas, no, old chum. I blame the gherkins. Repeats on me every time.WATSON: I'm worried about the roof what what what. What if it leaks again?HOLMES: It's all right, old bean. We've got a big bucket up there. It'll have to rain for 40 days and 40 nights to fill that blighter up.WATSON: Why, Holmes, you almost sound biblical.HOLMES: Why 40, I ask myself? There really is no logic to it.WATSON: Do you think this sort of thing's going to get worse? I mean as the earth warms up. More floods and storms and heatwaves?HOLMES: Hard to tell, old fruit. Our pal Charlie, he of the Darwinian fame, predicts that we're all going to hell on an asteroid when the King abdicates.WATSON: It would appear that everything we hold most dear is illusory, fragmentary and inherently self-implosive. It's a brave new world out there, Holmes.HOLMES: It's as ...
More About: Dogs , Cats , Sherlock Holmes , Cats and Dogs

POETRY MASTERCLASS #2 I SAY THAT HE WAS FREDDY
2007-10-05 12:13:00
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF SIEGFRIED SASSOON HAD TURNED TO THE BLUE SIDE...I SAY THAT HE WAS FREDDYDarkness: the sluice rained down;The pockets were deep;It was well past the post on a midsummer's flightWhen parping nuns lay in bed snug up tight;There, with much gargling to do before daylight,We lugged our sweaty bodies as best we mightAlong the gutter; sometimes a blackbird sangAnd droning belles burst with a hollow bangWe were sozzled, soiled and wretched, everyone;Darkness: the distant wink of a lady of pleasureI tossed in the black ditch, loathing the warm;A firework fizzled and cackled with excruciating flare,And lit the arse of what had been a faceFloundering in the dish. He stood before me bare;I say that he was Freddy ; stiffened in the glare,And arcing upwards from his burgeoning task,Both love sacs in support; His focus all mineProud from the whimsical head that wore no maskOf immoral pain in Mon Venus's unholy shrine.And pounding in haste, the impatient buckMumbling: '...
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EVERCREST COMES TO TOWN
2007-10-03 12:07:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: We should have a conservatory built what what what. Evercrest are offering some spiffing good deals, you know.HOLMES: Conservatories are for the chattering classes. You and I don't chatter, we deduce.WATSON: It's a bit dark, this room, don't you think? And stuffy too. We could do with more light and fresh air, hm?HOLMES: You mean so we roast in the summer and freeze in the winter? And let's not forget that the blasted thing will be full of rodents and wasps and spiders and will be positively awkward to clean.WATSON: I thought you liked creepy crawlies and things.HOLMES: I do, when they're out THERE, where they belong. Have you forgotten about my allergies and skin rashes?WATSON: Oh, yes, of course. If a bluebottle so much as lands on your arm, you swell up like a melon. Most distressing.HOLMES: Well, I was perfectly fine before you roped me into your little experiment to find a cure for lumbago.WATSON: Holmes, old chap, I did wa...
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POETRY MASTERCLASS # 1 SAGGING SACS
2007-10-01 12:48:00
NOW ASK YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WILFRED OWEN HAD TURNED TO THE DARK SIDE...SAGGING SACSMove them into the rainGently their touch awoke them onceAt home, fizzing of oats half-sownSideways it poked him, even in MadgeUntil this dawning and this snowIf anything might rouse them nowThe kind old hoe will knowThink how it wakes the seedsWoke once the hops of a cold beerAre bags, so clear defined, are bindsFully-wired - ever warm - too hard when stirred?Was it for this one night they stood tall?O what made fleshy receptacles soilTo break Clarissa's hump at all?
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LIKE A TURD FROM A TALL COW'S ASS
2007-09-20 15:34:00
BUFFALO: Back from the south of France, are we?BIRD: Alas, too true. Stuffed to the gunwales with pate de foie gras, truffles, escargot, brie, and buckets of Chateauneuf-du-Pape. So, I trust you fared well in my absence?BUFFALO: No, but I falled well. . . fell, whatever.BIRD: Cor blimey, missus! Not another accident?BUFFALO: More like a catastrophe than an accident.BIRD: Give us the feather and tails, Buff.BUFFALO: A comedy of errors, Birdy. Mistake number one, I ventured into the shadowlands of downtown Detroit, at night, in a poorly lit neighborhood affectionately known as "The Bowery" - where one is advised to go armed.BIRD: Blimey, were you trolling for muggers, like?BUFFALO: No, I was enroute to a French flic.BIRD: In a poorly lit alley?BUFFALO: Argh. No, it was off-campus student housing for Wayne State University, named for Mad Anthony Wayne, a hero of the late unpleasantness between the Yanks and the Brits. A charming three story brick edifice that should have been condemned...
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WIBBLING AND DWIBBLING ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON
2007-09-01 12:29:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I'm bored.HOLMES: Where's Hudders?WATSON: Out window shopping again, what what what.HOLMES: Oh. And you've got nothing to read? No learned research papers? Or a decent comic?WATSON: I've read The Medical Impersonal from cover to cover. And The Dandy is just not up to scratch this week.HOLMES: What about a crossword? A conundrum, even.WATSON: I fear I don't have the patience. I mean, it's Saturday , Holmes. We should be outside, perusing, solving crimes, catching unsavoury villains. Instead of which, here we are, sitting in our moth-eaten armchairs, twiddling our thumbs, gazing at the ceiling, wondering when it's all going to end.HOLMES: Speak for yourself, O Hippocratic One, I am engaged in deep contemplation.WATSON: Oh, really? On what subject?HOLMES: I am contemplating my navel, old bean. Its shape, size, essence, spiritual significance and imposing presence.WATSON: (chortles) No, don't, Holmes, I'll pee myself. Contemplati...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Afternoon

THE UNBEARABLE RIGHTNESS OF PEEING & OTHER ANIMALS
2007-08-28 12:18:00
BIRD: Cor blimey, mate, how's your father, I've gone and soiled myself, like!BUFFALO: You gormless jerk-berk! What the hell did you do that for?BIRD: An aberration, Buffers. I was glued to the keyboard, sitting on the edge of my seat, engrossed in an Internet debate about "The U nbearable Rightness of Peeing", lost track of the time, forgot to eat, my blood sugar plummeted and my legs fell asleep, so naturally I assumed I was sitting on the old porcelain having a bit of a read, innit? I had just made a particularly piquant point about the indecipherable prose of Milos Koonteriyaki, and it apparently induced a prolonged bout of peristalsis.BUFFALO: In udder words, you shat yourself.BIRD: Well, in essence, that is substantially correct.BUFFALO: Great flaming wombats, Birdy. What are you going to do now?BIRD: Dunno, Buff, I'm rather afraid to move, at the moment. Everything's gone all squishy, like. I'm reviewing my options.BUFFALO: And what might those be?BIRD: Well, hoovering, fo...
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TREASON UNDER THE PASTRY ACT - A CAUTIONARY WAIL
2007-08-22 11:04:00
BIRD: Buffers, did you fall in?BUFFALO: Very nearly, Birdy. I've been poisoned by the fookin' Chinese.BIRD: You've been eating Barbie dolls again?BUFFALO: No, not that, they poisoned my Lo Mein! I told 'em to hold the MSG, and asked for plum sauce for my egg roll, but they gave me plumbum instead!BIRD: Blimey! They injected plum sauce up your bum?!BUFFALO: No, you plank, they laced my lunch with lead!BIRD: Was that a la carte?BUFFALO: (GROANS) No, it was the white plate special. The bloody china hadn't been properly fired, and it leached lead into my Bung Cow Chicken. I'm fookin' contaminated, mate!BIRD: But, Buffers, how do you know for certain that you've been poisoned?BUFFALO: I'm having all the classic symptoms of those ancient Roman wheezers. They all went bonkers, y'know, from sipping water from lead pipes. They lapped it up cuz it tasted sweet, the stupid berks.BIRD: Ah, I see. . . so you've gone off your twig, then?BUFFALO: I'm getting there. At first I was havi...
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LUMINOSITY IN THE LIMERICK AGE
2007-08-14 18:01:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I'm thinking of entering The Times Limerick competition, the theme being Old Mother Hubbard.HOLMES: Oh, don't bother, old chap. You haven't got a ghostly.WATSON: Oh, really, old bean? And why's that then?HOLMES: Because, old man, I've already won it.WATSON: Already won it? How come?HOLMES: Because Rollicksome-Braithwaite, the editor, has seen my entry and laughed so much his haemorrhoid's fell out.WATSON: Good Lord!HOLMES: He assured me from his hospital bed that my Limerick shall not be surpassed. Indeed, he wants me to be the judge for next year's competition.WATSON: Good Lord! I didn't know you had a saucy bone in your body, Holmes.HOLMES: It's almost all sauce, old chum. With a bit of cartilage.WATSON: (sighs) Is there anything you CAN'T do?HOLMES: I can't see in the dark or get to the end of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, irrespective of how many jelly babies I consume.WATSON: Dashed again. I can't do ...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Erick , Lumi

WOT, NO BLOG Q DESIREE DISARRAY
2007-08-07 12:23:00
BIRD: Everything OK, dude? You've been a big quiet, like.BUFFALO: Dude, it's Desiree . She's driving me to retractions!BIRD: Share it, dude. Lighten the load.BUFFALO: There was a belated birthday celebration for her last nite at the old hacienda.BIRD: Nice.BUFFALO: She drove us all insane with her non-stop patter... "Do you want some ice cream with that cake? How about you, Joe? Ice cream? On your cake? You have to take some of this cake home with you. And some guacamole. How about you, Amanda? Cake? With ice cream? No? Some coffee, then? No? Some pop? No? Some milk? No? We have root beer, too, and Coke and Dr. Pepper, and Sprite, and Vernors, and..." Honest to God, I thought I was going out of me fookin' mind.BIRD: Sounds like high spirits to me, old Buffters.BUFFALO: Well, fook dat with a barge pole, dude. Everyone was catatonic from her relentless banter. I thought about drowning her in the punch bowl or sticking her head in a vat of ice cream to freeze her brain and hopef...
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SCRATCH MODEL VIDEO Q SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION
2007-07-27 13:59:00
http://scratchmodelvideo.com/BIRD: What's all the commotion, Buff? Sounds like a fookin' Saturn rocket taking off outside me window.BUFFALO: Precisely, Birdy. The Hudster and yours truly are launching our new website.BIRD: Lord Helpus, not another Toe Jam product, or the electric snake knives again?BUFFALO: No, it's legitimate this time, more or less. It's my critically-acclaimed video documentary, innit?BIRD: Politically defamed, did you say? Hang on, I'll just take this banana out of my ear.BUFFALO: Dude, I'm surreal, the trade zines praised the ever-loving bejasus out of it.BIRD: What's it on about, then? Porn from Pubistan, or Scoutmasters in rut?BUFFALO: Scale modeling, my avian chum.BIRD: Anorexic clothes horses getting weighed in for the runway, is it?BUFFALO: Hardly. It's about the blokes who build steam engines and such, from scratch. Engines, locomotives, boats, cars, airplanes, etc.BIRD: Steam-powered airplanes? You've gone off your wicket, Buffers.BUFFALO: It's...
More About: Video , Promotion , Model , Romo , Scratch

WOMBIC INTERRUPTUS Q PAUSE 4 THOUGHT
2007-07-24 12:54:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: What's Wombic sex?HOLMES: A cunning ploy.WATSON: A punning cloy?HOLMES: No, you silly billy. A device.WATSON: What, like a BP3?HOLMES: That's MP3, old chap, and it hasn't been invented yet.WATSON: Good Lord! Now I'm more confused than ever what what what. So Wombic sex is a device. A device to do what?HOLMES: To see how many times one may use the word sex with impunity. The hit counter, which also hasn't been invented yet, will be going ballistic as soon as you press "Publish post". WATSON: "Sex with impunity"? Publish post"? Publish what post? I'm afraid you've lost me past the mortuary, old bean.HOLMES: It's all right, old chum. It's all a dream. (winks to webcam, which also hasn't been invented yet).WATSON: Well, if you say so, old man. Although there's an excerpt in this pamphlet that came through the door: "Though the single nature of Wombic mind, which completely pervades both cyclic sex and near copulation,...
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THE WOMBIC BOOK OF THE DEAD - AN X-ERT
2007-07-19 14:04:00
You are dead.Get over it.
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PRE-WOMBIC LIFE WITH UMBRELLA
2007-07-18 12:45:00
It is black, I am cold, he is silent.My spirit floats in the vastnessOf the eternal vacuum cleaner of cyberspaceI can hear, see, feel, enter nothingBut wait, I perceive something in the far distanceIt is a smoky red kite. How beautifulI am drawn to it as a moth to the racesFaster and faster, irrevocably drawn into the red glow bellowToo late I remember the warningFrom the Baada Cromosol, the Wombic Book of the DeadI have fallen into the baps once againThe light suddenly intensifies in color and brillianceAs the invaders reach fulfillmentTwo and eightOnce more I am sucked into the endless vortexOf my umbrellaAm I really feeling lucky?
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THE BLADE OF GRASS TURNS & WHY NOT?
2007-07-17 13:36:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Be quick, Watson, I have an appointment with my bank manager. We may be homeless by the weekend, you know.WATSON: I sit here, observing all the anguish and suffering, and I wonder why not?HOLMES: Why not what, old quack?WATSON: People should live in peace and harmony. Why not?HOLMES: What we need is a substantial commission from somebody who has recently, unfortunately, had their loved one hacked to death in the most unseemly of circumstances.WATSON: And all the poverty in the world and the debauchery and gluttony. If we all pulled together, we could eradicate the lot. Why not?HOLMES: Naturally, there is a considerable bounty on the head of Professor Moriarty but I fear it will take many years to ensnare that fiend and we need a quick fix.WATSON: And the smog and the flooding and the infernal warring. If we all stood up and said no, we could stop it. Why not?HOLMES: I suppose if the worst comes to the worst, I could write an astrology column in the Time...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Grass , Blade , Turn , Why Not

PROPINQUITY BLOWOUT
2007-07-16 15:36:00
BIRD: Come again, Buff?BUFFALO: It's called the propinquity effect. The tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often, in their family or neighborhood, whatever.BIRD: Dude, you were in that cinema for less than an hour before you made a move on what's her name, Desiree?BUFFALO: Point of order, dude. She made a move on me. There's no way I would willingly miss James Mason in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea as part of a Disney double bill with Mary Poppins and you know that!BIRD: And then you were asked to leave.BUFFALO: We were going anyway. They make the seats so goddamn narrow and lumpy these days. Wot's an amorous bison to do?BIRD: Er, watch the film, like?BUFFALO: I was vulnerable, K? Mason plays Nemo with such feeling. Gets me in the avuncular every time. Besides, the backseat of the car's way more comfy, innit.BIRD: Thank gawd you've got tinted windows, like.BUFFALO: Worth every cent. And to think if you hadn't sugges...
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THE SPATULA OF MISSED CONTENTION
2007-07-12 13:02:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: It's time for your six-monthly exploratory.HOLMES: Are you absolutely certain this is necessary? You know what happened last time.WATSON: Oh, come on, old boy. Don't be such a Jessie. It'll all be over in a jiffy.HOLMES: Watson, your sado-masochistic tendencies are most unbecoming. I shall have a word with Sigmund about you.WATSON: Balderdash and kerpiffle, Holmes! I am a commensurate professional who executes his duties in strict accordance with the Hippocratic oath. I assure you I am entirely neutral on such matters what what what.HOLMES: Would that you were, old chap. But I have no wish to walk like a man on a saddle without a horse for a week again.WATSON: But Holmes, that's because you insist on moving and stirring during the investigation. You really must learn to relax and be patient until the examination has reached its conclusion.HOLMES: Whilst Professor Moriarty is at large I shall never relax. And as for concl...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Tent

HOROSCOPES R US INC.
2007-07-10 15:00:00
BY POPULAR DEMAND, THE AULD BUFFTER GAZES INTO HIS CRYSTAL BALL, TWEAKS IT A LITTLE & REVEALS THE FORTUNES FOR DA ASSES FOR DA WEEK AHEAD. WATCH OUT FOR ADDITIONAL COLLATERAL ON YouTube.ADVANCE WARNING: IF YOU BELONG TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STARSIGNS, IT AIN'T LOOKIN' THAT GOOD. BUT HEY, GET OVER IT.CANCERYou'll be smarting inside because your Uncle Bill has serious designs on your keister. Ignore all insults today. If you stand up for yourself you will be bitch-slapped into next Thursday. News about a publishing, educational, or travel matter will please you very much, but will turn out to be a hoax. Family connections are the key to obtaining your heart's desire. Invite all your relatives to a party, then break into their homes and rob them blind.LEOYou'll be adventurous today. Some will meet with unexpected romance, while others will feel creatively inspired. Be independent without being too touchy. The special word that will bring joys irrefutable is counteravuncular!VIRG...
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FROM PLUMBER'S TWICE WEEKLY Q LIMERICK MASTERCLASS
2007-07-03 10:19:00
There once was a plumber from Lea,Who was plumbing his girl, by the sea.Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming!"Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."THE PLUMBER IN QUESTION IS A MR ROD BULGING, FROM IOWA. AFTER FITTING THREE KITCHENS & A BOUDOIR, ROD DEIGNED TO BE INTERVIEWED. THIS IS AN ABBREVIATED VERSION OF THAT INTERVIEW.B&B: So Rod, how's it hanging?ROD: It's good. Straight and true.B&B: I'd like to ask you, if I may, about your Lime rick.ROD: Hell, is that what it is. OK.B&B: The aspects of setting, of topic, of voice seem to dominate, to direct the reading. Would that be a fair observation?ROD: Uh, actually, the dominant theme is, IMHO, what the plumber's up to with, uh, the client, ya get me?B&B: Loud and clear, Rod. Loud and clear. Now, in reading the Limerick one is struck by the fact that it gets to a dark place very quickly. There's no suspense here, is there?ROD: Well, Jeez, I gotta tell ya, this was a brief encounter. There wasn'...
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