Tails From The Bird & BuffaloTails From The Bird & BuffaloOff the wall adult humour for those struggling with existential dread as The Bird & Buffalo are. Articles
THE DARK ONE & FYODOR, PAGE 187
2007-06-12 12:25:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Any more news on the Dark One?HOLMES: Well, my wacky quacky, it is most curious that you should mention it, because but half an hour ago I discovered a photo of her when she was in the buxom flame of her youth.WATSON: But Holmes, I thought you'd burnt all those old photos.HOLMES: This particular photograph was deputising as a bookmark in Dostoyevsky's Crime And Punishment.WATSON: But why on earth, pray, were you poking around in Fyodor's masterpiece?HOLMES: I was in philosophical mood with the coming of the equinox and I was trying to remember a certain profundity that I had encountered in that most excellent of literary works.WATSON: Good Lord! And did you find it, old man?HOLMES: Indeed I did, Botty Watty. It was bookmarked with the Dark One's photo at the very spot.WATSON: And what is this profundity that led you there, may I enquire?HOLMES: "Talk nonsense, but talk your nonsense and I shall kiss you for it. To go wrong in one... More About: Page , Sherlock Holmes , The Dark , The D
SUMMER FRIVOL0TARY - Q LIMERIX
2007-06-11 17:44:00 SUMMER IS ALMOST UPON US. WITH MUCH FRIVOLOTARY, WEEZ CHILLIN' IN DA SUN, INNIT. WIKKED. Q LIMERIX.FROM THE SHORTLY TO BE INGESTED ANTHOLOGY OF The Very Best Of Tails From The Bird & Buffalo Volume 0.5, WE BRING YOU...THE LIMERICK OF OZby The Auld BuffaloThere was a young man from AustraliaWho had elephantine genitaliaHis ancestors were felonsHis balls were like melonsAnd his dick was a map of WestphaliaIF YOU'D LIKE YOUR LIMERICK TO APPEAR HERE, OR SIMPLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR WANTON GARGOYLES WID US, SEND DA MESSAGE TO: birdandbuffalo@hotmail.com More About: Summer , Lime
DYLAN SAYS: SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube
2007-06-07 16:14:00 I balanced ma' tool, brought Woody to mind,The beers to come seemed nuthin' but griefI'm blowin' in the wind, me and ma' behindIn balance with ma' mojo, but I can't get no reliefhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GImg XAg-Sh4SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube , NOW, DUDES!DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES More About: Youtube , Poetry , Support , Poet
LUCINDA NEVER L0VED ME - Q HANDKERCHIEF
2007-06-06 14:58:00 BIRD: Love, love, love. I know, you're expecting another tired old blog entry about the one thing that - sometimes - separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. But habitually, I want to draw your attention to something else - the curious frequency of bad happenings with those amongst you who have come into contact with Luci nda. Blawwww, I hear you say. There's more than one Lucinda, and some Lucindas are quite nice - kinda hot too. But when I sent out a questionnaire to blokes around the whirled about the deep hurt they've encountered in their oftenwhile miserable lives, one name kept cropping up again and again - Lucinda. So... I was inverting that maybe there is one Lucinda who is to blame for the exponential increase in handkerchief sales since 1997. From 200,000 a year since 1945 to a whopping 3.67 million a year in 2006. Sure Lee, no coincidence.To put this into some dire consequence, here is just a cross section of the comments from blokes who should know better:Rod ... More About: Hand , Handkerchief
INFERNAL QUESTIONS & THE EVER PIDDLING STREAM OF CONSCIENTIOUSNESS
2007-06-05 16:43:00 BUFFALO: So many questions, so little time.BIRD: What now?BUFFALO: Call me Rodney, but I've never been happy, nay, I have no concept of happiness, I don't expect to be happy, I don't even WANT to be happy and as for reassessing my life - from what to what? Today, I'm here. Yesterday, I was there. Tomorrow, I'll be somewhere else. Really, dude, it's no big deal. BIRD: Maudlin again, are we?BUFFALO: Dude, I am THIS close to pulling my Magnum out and blowing me fecking brains out.BIRD: Why don't you?BUFFALO: Coz it won't solve anything, willit? Coz the bad karma will come get me over there, on the udder side of da fence. Coz say what you like, we are all more than just carbon. Coz somewhere I can be, and not in a fizzy logical sense, if ya get m'drift. Bluddy Rud Yard and his If. Not if but somewhere. Somewhere I belong. Somewhere I shall overcome. Somewhere, as Eisenstein once said - forward! Somewhere I shall be at one with the Universal Power Grid of dreams and arc... More About: Questions , Tube , Stream , Cons , Snes
SAVE PARIS HILTON NOW!
2007-06-04 15:23:00 WE, THE UNDECIDED, BELIEVE THAT RICH BITCH PARIS HILTON SHOULD BE SAVED NOW, BECAUSE SHE IS A HUMAN BEING AND UM, ER, WELL, SHE'S A FAKE BLONDE, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND UM, SHE HAS THE CHARM AND CHARISMA OF A FLATULENT GIANT SLUG DROWNING IN ITS OWN SLIME, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS DEVOTED THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF PRECIOUS TV AIR TIME TO HER SELF-CENTRED, DUMB JOURNEY OF INCONSEQUENTIAL SEX AND PRECIOUS LITTLE ROCK AND ROLL, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS CONSISTENTLY FAILED TO ENTERTAIN OR INSPIRE ANY OTHER LIVING BEING ON THIS PLANET WITH HER PRANCING AROUND THE WORLD WITH NO PANTIES ON AND TRYING TO SING LIKE BRITNEY, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS SQUANDERED MILLIONS OF POUNDS ON USELESS ITEMS OF JEWELLERY AND CLOTHES AND FAILED BEAUTY TREATMENTS AND BRAINLESS ANTICS INVOLVING LOTS OF BOOZE AND IDIOTIC YOUNG MALES WHOSE WANGERS ARE MIGHTIER THAN THEIR SENSE, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT ... More About: Paris Hilton , Paris , Hilton , Save
CHEERS, ZIMMERS! ON YouTube
2007-05-31 14:45:00 THIS JUST IN FROM DA WHO:Gawd bless ya, Zimmer s! I woz havin' a Ruby Murray, thinking about getting bucket and spade, when me Al Capone rang and some geezer told me the Zimmers had done us proud. Cheers! Baked potato. Keep rocking!rubber gloveRogerS'pose it's in a good cause but the guitar solo is rubbish. That chick third from the left in the back row's kind of hot, though.All the bestPetexAND THE REVIEW THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT:It meanders playfully in a daze of gargantuan contentment, effortlessly transforming erstwhile biddies to hitherto unknown levels of awareness and contextual gravitas. I defy anyone to listen to this song and not soil themselves then cry uncontrollably over past misdemeanours. A cultural hiatus at the crossroads. Unforgettable!Dave Digitalis-ProfundererRolling StonedAND DON'T TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT. DOWNLOAD IT NOW & MAKE THE CODGERS ETERNALLY PLENTIFULhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z qfFrCUrEbY More About: Youtube , Tube
HONEY LOVE - IS IT TRUE TOMCHIK?
2007-05-30 12:52:00 IN A CHANCE ENCOUNTER DOWN AT STUCKEY'S, THE AULD BUFF WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY HIS PAST. AND NOW HE'S GOT SOME SONOROUS QUESTIONS FOR DA TOMCHIK INNITBUFFALO: Dude?TOMCHIK: Oh, yes, I see, you're talking to me.BUFFALO: Well, I don't see nobody else here.TOMCHIK: You want to ask me about something?BUFFALO: It's like this, Tomchik. I was hitting on the pecan logs down at Stuckey's when this drop-dead gorgeous blonde came my way. She ditsied over and kissed me full on the lips and said she never expected to find me here. Well, I knew that kiss, those cheeks, those eyes, that smell... It was Trudi, with an I, ya get me? And ker-bam sha-lam wooo-hooo! I was in love all over again. You still with me?TOMCHIK: Er, yes, I think I can follow your meandering train of thought.BUFFALO: Well, the thing is, see, Trudi and me were an item way back in the days when I wore shorts and she wore white ankle socks va va vooom!TOMCHIK: You were, how do you say, childhood sweethearts, yes?B... More About: Love , Honey , True
SUPER POOCH TO THE RESCUE
2007-05-29 12:31:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Have you heard the rumour?HOLMES: What is a rumour if not a disintegration of integrity?WATSON: Well, yes, of course. But this is serious, old man. They say that Professor Moriarty is sending an assassin to rub you out, old thing.HOLMES: But Watty, old bean, that's old news. The intended assassin was found but ten minutes ago face down in a pile of dog faeces in Regent's Park.WATSON: What?! But that's impossible! That is about when you took Toby for a stroll to the park to execute his daily ablutions.HOLMES: Just so, old chap. Most fortuitous. The blighter was about to load up a poison dart when our dear pooch here hurled himself at the stinker with aplomb, digging his perfectly formed canine pincers right into the evildoer's jugular.WATSON: Good Lord!HOLMES: Whereupon in all the excitement, Toby brought forward his ablutions then expertly jumped back as the fiendish would-be murderer fell face down in the um...WATSON: Po... More About: Super , Sherlock Holmes , Rescue
POOR CHARLIE... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube
2007-05-28 13:22:00 Poor Charlie , he always loved parpingAnd now he?s deadIt must have been too cramped for him his Percy Bysshe gave wayThey saidOh ho ho ho, it was up, down, sideways always(Still the cork popped whilst frumping)I was much too far out in virtual, dudeAnd not waving but dumpinghttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeK GZaoda1cSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube now!Download your poem on YouTube & Educate & Alleviate the Asses More About: Youtube , Poetry , Campaign , Poor
GIMME DA JOB, DUDE!
2007-05-21 13:47:00 IN DESPERATION & IN VIEW OF AN IMPENDING COURT CASE, THE AULD BUFFALO HAS FINALLY BITTEN THE SAUERKRAUT & APPLIED FOR A JOB AT McDonald 's. IN A MATTER OF HOURS, HE WILL DISPATCH THE FOLLOWING JOB APPLICATION, WHICH IS SHORTLY TO APPEAR ON YouTube. NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK, YOU KNOW WOT I MEEN. ANY INSENSIBLE SUGGESTIONS GREAT FULLY RECEIVED. BTW UNTIL THE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR OPTION FOR HIS SCREENPLAY ABOUT THE GREAT ALLEVIATOR & SOCIALLY BACKWARD IMMOBILIZER JEREMIAH JUGHEAD ENTITLED JUGS ARE MY LIFE COMES THRU, THIS IS HIS ONLY HOPE! PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.NAME: Splendor G. Mainwaring.SEX: Now and then.DESIRED POSITION: On top.EDUCATION: I am in favor of it.LAST POSITION HELD: Venison counter.SALARY: Forty bucks an hour.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Teri Winderski.REASON FOR LEAVING: She was preggers.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anything except Happy Hour.PREFERRED HOURS: Noon to 1PM, Sundays.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? I am adept at finding the Mons Venus within 2.5 seconds.... More About: Dude , Gimme
YouTube CUMZ GUD
2007-05-19 21:38:00 Omigod! After much wrangling and incentivisational inducements, YouTube have giving the red, blue, amber, indigo light to I...Is this the beginningOr merely end to end?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhRNlC TTr4wSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES! More About: Youtube
YUMMY FRIDAY, APPRAISAL BLUEYS, MORE YouTube
2007-05-18 11:17:00 BIRD WRITES IN INGRATIATED EMAIL:Woke up this morning, rolled out of bed. Jumped in me motor and whizzed off to the Bore Fest. The only thing that kept me going was YUMMY FRIDAY. A breakfast down da White City to kill, or be killed, for. Oh yum yum yum yum - gooey egg dripping all over the fork and then straight in me gob, followed by scrummy bacon, meticulously stripped of all fat and grist, and then munchy mushrooms dispatched down the hatch followed by spicy sausage and baked beans, all washed down with much slurping and contented gargling by an organic coffee and a pan chocolat. YUMMY!BUFFALO WRITES IN HASTILY COMPOSED EMAIL:No fry-up for me, you wonker! Banned from fry-ups for past misdemoaners. Munching me oats here, dude, and scrunching me nuts. btw that vid you made for YouTube . Old Sparkers watched it on his Real Player. It scared him so bad he decaffeinated in his Lederhosen! Decorating yer Freddy is all very well, but that roving eyeball puts spivers up the pine.BIRD WRIT... More About: Youtube , Yummy , Friday , More
IF... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube
2007-05-17 14:44:00 If I should die, think only this of me:That there's some corner of a cyber interactive rabbit-poo festooned fieldThat is forever PubistanJeremiah JugheadSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES More About: Youtube , Poetry , Campaign , Camp
THE RIGHT GUFF ON YouTube
2007-05-16 12:51:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I've just been offered half a million big ones to dish the dirt on you, old chap, what what what.HOLMES: Watson, old man, what dirt could you possibly be referring to?WATSON: Oh, you know, old beanster, those terribly naughty pastimes you pursued as a lad.HOLMES: My dear Watty, I hardly think they would be of any interest even to my official biographer Jeremiah Jughead.WATSON: Oh, come now, Holmes, you know that were the public to become acquainted with some of your youthful wayward practices, there would be demands for your head.HOLMES: Now listen to me, my good man, anything I told you about guffing at school and kissing girls on their belly buttons in the tool shed by the light of a glow worm must never be committed to paper.WATSON: Oh, really? So you ARE ashamed of your past?HOLMES: Not in the slightest, dear boy. But these juvenile experiences do not maketh the man or shed any light on the genius that was to follow.WATSON: ... More About: Youtube , Sherlock Holmes , Right
MUCUS EXTRACTION BANNED IN PUBISTAN
2007-05-14 15:27:00 Yes, it's true, my freedom loving, tub thumping, freestyle humping chums! The People's Democratic Republic of Pubistan has just passed a law to ban making the picking of one's nose in public places an offence as of June 1st 2007. This inhuman, highly provocative and ultimately self-implosive act will prevent anyone over the age of two years of age with or without a runny nose from dealing appropriately with the offending snotpiece. It will also mean, since all vehicles and barns, sheds, garages, greenhouses and outside toilets have been designated as public areas, that any citizen caught in the aforementioned structures partaking of a bit of picky wicky of the honourable bogey will be liable to the maximum punishments under the law, which are as follows:For the first offence: the nose shall be knitted together by needle and thread for a period of no more than ten years, and no less than nine years, eleven months and 30 days.For the second offence: one or both nostrils shall be... More About: Pod , Tube , Technorati , Joost , Extra
SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY JOOST RIGHT
2007-05-08 09:11:00 BIRD: Buff, you darty auld Finn sniffer, you've been sleeping with the enemy!!BUFFALO: Rubbish, lad. Rumors of my deflection have been greatly exaggerated. I'm merely taking a walk on the Wilde side, so to speak.BIRD: But you're consorting with. . . ugh. . . felons - er, felines, pussy people!BUFFALO: Takes all kinds to make a whirled, Birdy. I mean, look at the two of us - we're fookin' certifiable, mate, and yet Fifi still talks to us.BIRD: Ah, Fifi Lamour... now there's a woman for ya.BUFFALO: If you want to chastise someone, get on her case for sleeping with the VC.BIRD: The Victoria Cross?BUFFALO: The Charlie. Geddit?BIRD: Tendriolic obscurios, Buffters. I appertain your meanness. Well, at least you have to give the lad high marks for good taste.BUFFALO: Yes, but as the cultured lady said to the Thunnus thynnus, or blue fin tuna to you, Birdy...BIRD: Izzat right? Well, bollax to you, too, Buffo!BUFFALO: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. As Pearl, the cultured lady, sai... More About: Sleeping , Joost , Sleep , Right , Enemy
LOVE SUCKS
2007-05-04 14:05:00 BIRD: It?s like a fookin? tomb in here, Buff.BUFF: Oh, that?s because I?ve been up to my ass in vampires lately, dude.BIRD: Vampires? What are you doing mucking about with the Undead, like?BUFF: Gotta come up with a new title for ?Bloodsuit?. Hud says those wonkers in Hollywood all think it?s a horror film and they won?t read the fookin? script. Hud thinks the title should be more romantic like, and also make it clear that it?s about Dracula, who?s become an attorney and is shagging his old lover Lucrezia Borgia, who?s also an attorney, and also make it clear that they?re duking it out in court over a billion dollar lawsuit.BIRD: Blimey, that?s a tall order. I always liked ?Bloodsuit? myself.BUFF: I know, but Hud?s in Hawaii watching his wing-ding float in a lagoon, slurping Poi, surrounded by Hula girls in grass skirts with Hibiscus flower pasties on their great articulated nips. I fear he's gone native.BIRD: The darty old Hudster. How about ?Bloodsucking Attorney and Smokin? Hot ... More About: Love , Sherlock Holmes , Suck , Sucks
JOOST IS THE WORD
2007-05-03 13:14:00 Well, actually, it's not. But to be incontrovertible, what is Joost ? What does it taste like? What does it smell like? What does it look like? Where does it live? What lies beneath all the hype and the slime? Should MySpace and YouTube and Britney feel threatened? Is Second Life out of breath? Is Google about to be God no? Is Adsense ass sense? Is blogroll no better than bog roll? Is there beauty in the beast? Is the environment a nice place to live? Is silverlight as translucent as Bakolite? Are cream crackers really so smooth? Is vitamin C the tablet of choice? Is the Year Zero a band or a brand? Is Digg not all that groovy? Are current events as sexy as Kent? Is the vacuum the cleaner or the wiser? Is open-source a scar or a spot? Can HD-DVD be better than Pal? Is Ajax a place or a powder? Is Coke still cool or all bubbled out? Are the children safe or about to grow old? Isn't it time to stop calling me baby? What is war if not the absence of peace? ... More About: American Idol , Word
NEW FEATURE: IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?
2007-05-02 12:21:00 TOMCHIK, A MAN OF MYSTERY, SOME SAY HALF LITERAL/HALF VERSUPIAL. AN INQUISITOR IF EVER THERE WOZ ONE. ASK HIM ANYTHING & HE'LL... THINK ABOUT IT. A GENIUS IN HIS OWN SHOPPING BASKET, A LEGEND IN HIS OWN CROTCH, LADIES & GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU...IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?BIRD: So anyway, I was wondering...TOMCHIK: Yes?BIRD: Well, maybe you could tell us about yourself, make the readers feel comfy with you.TOMCHIK: Well, it seems to me, you know, that possibly this will not happen, but I will endeavour.BIRD: That's the spirit. Now here's a little getting to know Tomchik questionnaire. First, is it true that I invented you in Thomas Mann's own image because you have your nose stuck in a book, even whilst making love?TOMCHIK: I have been known to turn a few pages during fornication, this is an accurate statement.BIRD: And you are medium height?TOMCHIK: That is so.BIRD: Medium build?TOMCHIK: It would appear to be the case.BIRD: You have receding curly black hair on an unusually large ... More About: Feature , True , Feat
IN DEFENCE OF GALILEA MONTIJA
2007-05-01 12:57:00 And I quote: "The kid has a lovely wanger. Give him a chance!" - Britney.And I quote again: "Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother." - George Orwell. More About: Defence , Fence , Mont
NOTES FROM HOZZIE Q THE SPASMER'S TAIL
2007-04-19 12:38:00 EXCLUSIVE: SMUGGLED OUT UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS IN A CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE BICCIE TIN, ROVING REPORTER BOB SPLASHER OF THE EAST FENWICK BELCHER BRINGS YOU THE BIRD'S THOUGHTS, DREAMS & INFLECTIONS FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED AS HE FIGHTS WITH THE DREADED SPASM IN THE LOWER PLACENTA...Dear world!Yes, it's me! I'm in the post-recoiled wing of St Just's Hospital, East Fenwick. I've just had me supper - a burnt kipper (that's a fish for all you dudes from the US of Eh?!) - and a mug of rabbit's P. Well, that's what it tastes like, anyhoo. There's been a lot of prodding going on today, and I've been twisted this way and that. And that's just by me mum! Look, I told her not to come but would she listen? Eh, A, Ay? She brought me a Mars bar and twelve packets of Marks & Spencer's sea salt and pepper crisps. But I really only wanted a Coke and the book that I was reading before this horrible thing happened to me whilst stretching meself in bed. The book, by the way, is th... More About: Notes , Cadbury , Tail
SPASM UPDATE Q BENADRYL DRIP
2007-04-18 12:12:00 A STATEMENT BY SIR JOHN FURTERSPLATTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER AT ST JUST'S HOSPITAL, EAST FENWICK (AS TRANSCRIBED FROM THE EAST FENWICK BELCHER NEWSPAPER)I regret to inform you that on the morning of the 17th of April, in the year of our Lord 2007, the universally abhorred comedian Mr Bird was admitted to St Just's Hospital East Fenwick suffering from a throbbing badger in his pantaloons. Sorry, let me regurgitate. In laymen's speak, the avian patient was suffering from a spasm of the lower placenta which meant he was unable to sit straight, talk straight or bend over without requesting assistance from a nurse with a potty handy. Or a handy potty. Same difference, rarely.The appropriate treatments were subsequently applied according to the medical code. They involved steam cleaning the rogerer, massaging the todgerer, and creaming the frotherer. Unfortunately, Mr Bird responded badly to the first treatment, slightly warmed to the second treatment, and was positively impressed and... More About: Update , Drip
THE BEES... THE BEES... Q PODCAST!
2007-04-16 12:55:00 FIFI LAMOUR: And... action!BUFFALO: So I hear Prince William has dumped his gal, like.BIRD: Kate Middleton. Yep. Tragic. Nice gal if you can hack the plum in the mouth and the funny walk.BUFFALO: She'd have made a nice queen.BIRD: Maybe. Although Diana probably would've been better. Thing is the monarchy'll be done and dusted once our Madge falls off her perch.BUFFALO: "Our Madge"? Friend of yours is she? The QUEEN to you. And to everybody else.BIRD: It's affectionate, like. She's the people's QUEEN or some Finn like that.BUFFALO: Tut tut on you. You Brits are so cazh with yer traversions. Moving on.BIRD: Please do.BUFFALO: To bees.BIRD: Oh, I know this one. A Parent Lee, mobile phones are killing them off and we won't have any crops any more and the world will subsequently die an excrutiating death from mega starvation so that when the asteroid hits it won't make no difference what-so-ever. Right?BUFFALO: Spot on, Birdy. And Final Lee, Iraq .BIRD: Oh, lumme. Must we?BUFFALO:... More About: Podcast , Cast , Bees
GIMME DA MONEY, GUV'NOR!
2007-04-12 13:12:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Oh, if you must, Watson.WATSON: This letter just came for you, slipped under the fortified door what what what.HOLMES: How utterly tedious. Read it out, old boy. There's something in my toe nail.WATSON: Righto ho. "Dear Mr Shylock, With due respect and humblelity. I am Mrs. Alice Biggins of Basingstoke. I was married to da Mr Biggins of Basingstoke for four years before he what copped it down a gold mine in Abubajan. We was very 'appy but childless. Well, da Mr Biggins, he did but curl up da feet without so much as a penny for da pee pot. And I was thinking... p'raps you'd be persuadable to take pity on dis little misses, who I happen to add is seriously well in debt and in need of heavy remittance, if you could possibly bung a coupla hundred bum wipe smackers my way. I'd do anyfink to pleasure your highness.God bless ya, guv'nor!Lots of luv,AlicexxxPS And if by half a perchance, you could see your sideways to givin' me another coupla hundred b... More About: Money , Gimme
CATERING FOR THE BELOW-AVERAGE OIK
2007-04-11 11:45:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: What is it now, Watson?WATSON: Did you read that article by Rochester in the Times?HOLMES: That confounded old wind bag? What's he been saying now?WATSON: Says we can't be held responsible for gaps in other people's education what what what.HOLMES: A-ha! Some sense from the big lump of lard at last!WATSON: But he does take a pop at you, old thing.HOLMES: What's that?!WATSON: Claims you make the solving of crimes over-complicated and difficult to follow.HOLMES: (sighs) The man's riddled with contradictions. The triumph of the oiks is upon us, I can see it coming.WATSON: Quite, but he does have a point, old man. I mean, that last case, The Mysterious Mr Peg Leg & His Performing Piccolo... well, I'm blowed if I could follow the counter revolutions.HOLMES: Convolutions, Watty Botty. The fault lay not in the explanation, which was an outstanding example of lucid thinking and deductive reasoning, but in the 15-second attention span of both you and... More About: Ring , Rage , Vera , Cate , Below
THAR SHE BLOWS!
2007-04-10 11:47:00 BIRD: Buffers, are you conscious?BUFFALO: Semi, Birdy. Wuzzup?BIRD: Just checking to see if you're still among the quick.BUFFALO: Aye, still hanging in here, trying to weather the latest Arctic blast. The bloody wind's like "Mariah" today.BIRD: Mariah Carey?BUFFALO: No, more like Drew Carey. . . overdone and not very funny. Also it's colder than a witch's nips out there, or so I'm told by Osbee, who just phoned to find out if I'd invalidated my life insurance policy yet.BIRD: Lordy, you're not thinking about taking Old Betsy out for a stroll in the woods again, are you?BUFFALO: Oh, hell, no, Birdy. It's too frickin' cold. I'm waiting for better weather so I can accidentally drown meself in the lake, like.BIRD: Why not drown your sorrows in a six pack of Hobgoblin Ale, instead?BUFFALO: It's a pleasant thought, but as the song goes, "I tried drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows had learned how to swim."BIRD: Blimey, that's diabolical. Speaking of which, how's Sparky's rom... More About: Dublin
T WITH LIPTON
2007-04-05 12:03:00 BIRD: Buffmeister, are you decent?BUFFALO: More or less. I'm up, robed, oatmealed, and slurping tea.BIRD: Prince of Wales?BUFFALO: No, alas, regular old Lipton, supplied by my new neighbor, Minnie Castavet, just moved here from North or South Dakota - she was a bit vague about that - keeps saying "The Dakota".BIRD: Crikey, Buff, you don't think she's referencing John Lennon's old digs?BUFFALO: Damn, I thought that tea had a chalky under-taste. . .BIRD: Er, does she have any children?BUFFALO: Yes, a son. Right ugly little tyke. He has some sort of 'orrible skin condition, all scaly like. Also, sounds as if he's incredibly clumsy.BIRD: Oh, how so?BUFFALO: Well, Minnie's constantly complaining that he has hooves for hands.BIRD: What's the little tyke's name, then?BUFFALO: B. L. Selbubb. They call him "Bub" for short.BIRD: What's the "B. L" stand for?BUFFALO: Babylon Lucifer, I think.BIRD: Blimey. Do you ever hear chanting through the walls late at night?BUFFALO: How would I k...
PAM-A-LAM, I KID THEE NOT
2007-04-04 12:14:00 BUFFALO: Guten Morgan, mein Tweeter.BIRD: Wotcha, Buff! So, how's it going today?BUFFALO: Well, I managed to get out of bed - no easy task.BIRD: Still nauseous and full of fear and loathing, are you?BUFFALO: Yeah, pretty much, compounded by a horrible fookin' dream brought on no doubt by seeing a silly ass Frog Flic last night at the Silver Cinema.BIRD: A French film? You? A Buffalo?BUFFALO: Don't know what possessed me. It was "Arthur and the Invisibles". I was the only person in the theater. A bit eerie, that. Very strange animated film. So fast paced you'd swear you were on speed. I was friggin' exhausted when they ran the credits. Dreamed I was being eaten by thousands of tiny little crabs about the size of dimes. Woke up in a cold sweat, craving seafood.BIRD: Any Freudian symbolism there, you think?BUFFALO: Could be. Osbee's a Cancer, y'know. That might explain it. Or it could be a warning to stay away from Clare, lest I contract the old crabs, like.BIRD: So, have you ...
TOE JAMMIN' WITH SPARKY & THE CELEBS
More articles from this author:2007-04-03 12:23:00 BUFFALO: Birdy, you dare?BIRD: Roger, old Fartful Dodger. So you survived the armpit invasion?BUFFALO: Just barely. Spark y saved my bacon. He was awakened from his beauty sleep by the excruciating screams, which pissed him off no end.BIRD: Blimey, what happened?BUFFALO: He poked his head out of his bedroom door to see what all the hub-bub was about and said "What's with the decibels, man? I've got to get up in fourteen hours to go to work!"BIRD: Sounds rather aggressive for the Sparkster.BUFFALO: I'll say. You could've tickled my ass with a feather and bowled me over with a large grapefruit, not to mention that it scared the pudding out of those marauding celebs. Sparkers looks a perfect fright when he first regains consciousness - like the Crypt Keeper's doppelganger on angel dust. Causes pregnant women to spontaneously abort and grown men to faint in coils.BIRD: Sacre bleu merde! So then what happened?BUFFALO: One of the celebs had an acid flashback. Thought Sparky was the c... More About: Celeb , With , Celebs , Park 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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