Tails From The Bird & Buffalo

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101 SMOOF: CAMPAIGN FOR MORE SMOOF IN PUBLIC PLACES
2007-07-02 15:05:00
BIRD: OK, dude, take it away.BUFFALO: Britney & Lindsay - smoof!BIRD: Marks & Spencer - smoof!BUFFALO: Beautiful gals with almond green eyes - smoof!BIRD: In da summer sun wid da see-alls - smoof!BUFFALO: Route 66 - smoof!BIRD: M25 - smoof!BUFFALO: Lake Michigan - smoof!BIRD: Loch Ness - smoof!BUFFALO: The larch - smoof!BIRD: The acorn - smoof!BUFFALO: Wait, wait, wait. Hold it.BIRD: Wassup?BUFFALO: We ain't gonna make da 101, dude.BIRD: Yakety yak, don't hold smoof!BUFFALO: Smoof wid da groove.BIRD: Smoof 4 peace, pliz, Lucy.BUFFALO: Smoof 4 da globular misunderstanding.BIRD: Smoof is da word.BUFFALO: Smoof is da way dat we're relieving.BIRD: Come on and jump to da smoof.BUFFALO: Somewhere over da smoof.BIRD: Come on and smoof wid me.BUFFALO: Smoof up hi.BIRD: Coz I...BUFFALO: Will all ways...BOTH: Luv smoo-oo-oooooof.BIRD: Luv...BOTH: Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooof.AND THERE WE MUST LEAVE THE BIRD & BUFFALO AS THEY DESCEND INTO UTTER SMOOF. AND WITH ANY HOPE,...
More About: Tube , Public , Places , Campaign , Lace

ODIOUS CHORES ABOUND
2007-06-28 13:31:00
BIRD: It was when I was working in the morgue, like.BUFFALO: Dude, do you mind? I'm just having mah break da fast innit.BIRD: Sorry, dude. Just thought you'd like to hear it.BUFFALO: Now why would I wanna hear anyfink to do with da Grim Reaper, lad?BIRD: Well, you know, when you said things couldn't get any worse...BUFFALO: Dude, will I have to change mah shorts after this here tail?BIRD: I thought you were made of tougher stuff, dude.BUFFALO: OK, let me have it. I'll cross me legs and clench me butts.BIRD: Well, I used to have to sweep up and clean and stuff.BUFFALO: And whilst you woz sweepin' and cleanin' something moved, right?BIRD: How did you know?BUFFALO: Shaggy stories an' all. Long as it ain't real, I can cope.BIRD: Oh, this was real OK, Buffters. So anyway, I was sweeping round this slab and...BUFFALO: The dead guy sat up and scared the living detritus outta ya!BIRD: Not quite, dude. The sheet came up, the guy who was supposed to be dead sat up and asked me if I kn...
More About: Chores

A HUFFING & A PUFFING
2007-06-27 12:22:00
BIRD: Nothing yet, dude.BUFFALO: Did ya tell him you miss him?BIRD: Natch.BUFFALO: Did ya tell him you love him?BIRD: Of course.BUFFALO: Did ya tell him he means more to you than anybody else in the whole wide whirled?BIRD: Dude, you know I couldn't say that. You know how I feel about you.BUFFALO: Chokin' up here, dude.BIRD: Me too.BUFFALO: Restrain, retrain, move it along.BIRD: You bet.BUFFALO: Anyhoo, I was gonna ask you about the Potty Dotty project.BIRD: You want her back.BUFFALO: Since we're talking about missing people, uh, yeah.BIRD: But you called her some pretty gross things, dude.BUFFALO: And I was sober, K?BIRD: Nawty. BUFFALO: And I apologised. Even sent her a signed copy of my autotryography.BIRD: Wot the hanging Freddy of Helikarnassarse is an autotryography?BUFFALO: It's an attempt at a life. Rimshot!BIRD: Da da da da da.... da da! And for my next trick.BUFFALO: It was mostly illustrations, like. And captions. A compulsive read by any undermined standards....
More About: Puff

SNORTING IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
2007-06-26 12:42:00
BIRD: I've been thinking, dude.BUFFALO: Steady, lad. We've already had one hurricane over ear, like.BIRD: Just for one second, dude, can you try, I mean REALLY try to listen?BUFFALO: I hear ya, dude. Adjusting da volume as I peak. But I was wondering, about the title, like. Snorting an' all. Gimme an udder line, man, hey ho!BIRD: Not that kind of snorting, dude. I mean a rough, noisy sound made by breathing forcefully through the nostrils, as a horse or pig does. The sound we make when we're displeased, disrespectful or hostile to that which is other.BUFFALO: Oh, youse talking reconciliation, innit!BIRD: Yeah. And understanding. Let it be, Macca said.BUFFALO: Wizended words from Sir Paul. But three quarters round the roundabout, what specifically are you motioning at, dude?BIRD: Miss takes, that sort of thing.BUFFALO: And wot would you like to confess to, my son?BIRD: Well, there's this mate, see, and we fell out a while back and I miss him, like. And it got me th...
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ONTOLOGICAL DISS PAIR
2007-06-25 13:08:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Did you see that rat just toddle across the shagpile to the fireplace?HOLMES: Nonsense, my dear quack. There are no rats in this house.WATSON: But Holmes, I saw it.HOLMES: It was not a rat, old chap, it was a mouse.WATSON: Oh.HOLMES: By the name of Ivor. Purchased but two days ago for a most interesting experiment.WATSON: Really? Then why is he running free? Has he escaped what what what?HOLMES: Ivor is merely searching.WATSON: What for? The source of the Nile?HOLMES: Very good, Watson. For you. No, he is searching for the optimum place of well-being within this room.WATSON: But Holmes, why on earth would you want to know that?HOLMES: Because, old bean, great thoughts are only thought when one is at the height of one's well-being.WATSON: Another crackpot theory that will find its way into the bin, if you don't mind me saying.HOLMES: Oh, really? Then consider this, Watty Botty. Your mood swings of late have been severe to ...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Pair , Diss , Logic , Logical

1601: AN EXTRACT
2007-06-20 12:57:00
SIR WALTER RALEIGH: In sooth, when a shift's turned up, delay is meet for naught but dalliance. Boccaccio hath a story of a priest that did beguile a maid into his cell, then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to be rightly thankful for this tender maidenhead ye Lord had sent him; but ye abbot, spying through ye key-hole, did see a tuft of brownish hair with fair white flesh about it, wherefore when ye priest's prayer was done, his chance was gone, forasmuch as ye little maid had but ye one pride of place, and that was already occupied to her content.
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COSMIC COWINKLEDINK
2007-06-20 12:57:00
BUFFALO: I went out last nite for a walk, dude.BIRD: Oh, yeah?BUFFALO: Oh, yeah! And it got me thinking about the cosmic cowinkledink, how everything's connected, how nothing stays the same and how a name's a name but not by any other name, if you get m'drift.BIRD: Waiting patiently for the punchline here, dude.BUFFALO: There ain't no punchline, Birdy. Just neurons, millions of 'em, bouncing around inside ma' head. And to be touched, to be blessed, my son... to be truly touched by the interconstellatory highway of pure light is a joy beyond joys, a vertitable spiritual orgasm in perpetuity that nobody can take away or transublimate into another time and space and classification, Bravo 2-80.BIRD: Writing this down here, Buffters. You sure they haven't dumped sumfink toxic in yer water, like?BUFFALO: Dude, do you know wot nodding sagely means?BIRD: Nope, but you're gonna tell me, right?BUFFALO: It's an inside joke, 10-4, scramble. But you gotta be inside to geddit.BIRD: ...
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THE CHURCH OF SPIRITUS FRUMENTI Q VIRGINIS DELECTITATUS
2007-06-19 13:05:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Have you heard of The Beer Church what what what?HOLMES: Have you been at the smelling salts again, old chum?WATSON: You may scoff, old boy, but it?s legitimatis totalatus. Which package would you like? The Parish Priest, Arch Bishop, or The Pope? The Pope one comes with a rather fetching T-shirt, you know.HOLMES: I do believe those screws that connect your frontal lobe to your perpendicular have finally worked themselves loose.WATSON: But Holmes, we could ordain people, never pay tax again, sell tea sets and crumpets, and souvenir tea towels.HOLMES: Absolutely barking you are today, my friend. Why, you might as well call it The Church of Spiritus Frumenti.WATSON: What a top-ho idea, Holmes. Splendid! Mind you, it does mean that you?ll have to give sermons of a Sunday.HOLMES: My dear Watty, I shall do no such thing.WATSON: And officiate over the occasional alcoholic wedding.HOLMES: What on earth has got into you today? Doesn?t...
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YOUR BLOG CHANGED MY LIFE Q POSITIVE FEEDBAG
2007-06-18 16:44:00
'TIS A HARD LIFE FLOGGING AWAY AT DA BLOG. ONE DOEST ENCOUNTER A HOLE HOIST OF VARICATORY PHENOMENA & DUDES SO 'TIS WITH GREAT PER-LEISURE DAT WE SHARE SOME POSITIVE FEEDBAG WID Y'ALL. 2, 3, 4!Dear Holey Ones,Simon here. I just had to write. Your blog changed my life. I was in a dead-end job, in a dead-end life with no one to love when suddenly I found you.I thought I would die laughing. Each entry funnier than the previous one. You guys are true whack jobs who can't resist an opportunity to play with your wangers but I love you both to bits! Now everywhere I go I have a permanent smile on my face as I think of you. Thank you so much!LoveSimonPS I am now happily married with twins on the way and a house in the country bequeathed by my long-lost Aunty Rosie, who died under mysterious circumstances but she was still able to sign the will, hahaha. PPS Bring back Dotty!**********************Dear Bird & Buff!I read your blog piece You're Fired on a recommendation and I laugh...
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FATE ACCOMPLI Q FANGS AT DAWN
2007-06-13 13:14:00
BUFFALO: "It is finished," he said, nailed to the cross ties, bleeding all over the carpet.BIRD: Dude, you?re back.BUFFALO: Managed to get two hours of sleep... argh. Off to the debacle, after steam cleaning der melon. I tell ya, learning new software sucks donkey balls!BIRD: Got the video horrorshow ready then?BUFFALO: Huh? Dude, the horrorshow?s been and gone.BIRD: C?est vrai?BUFFALO: Last nite.BIRD: And?BUFFALO: Dude, they fookin' loved it. They laffed, they cried, they clapped their hands and danced in the fookin' aisles. For once, showered with praise instead of being covered all in shit. It was good... no, it was better than good, it was great - no, it was better than that - it was Kean!BIRD: Wow. Hi fivers!BUFFALO: Who?s your daddy? Who?s your daddy?!BIRD: Any chance of a copy of the DVD?BUFFALO: Naturlich, mein Heir! Gawd, I feel so good. Must be some Finn in the air. Lemme at the next project.BIRD: But dude, you haven?t got a name for your vampire flik yet.BUFFALO: True. ...
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YOU'RE FIRED!
2007-06-13 13:14:00
THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY NICE WAY TO SAY IT INNIT? YOU'VE FOOKED UP, FLAMMED OUT, FUDGED OFF BIG TIME & DA BOSS HAS GOTTA KICK YER SAD DERRIERE INTO TOUCH. HERE'S HOW IT HAPPENED TO SOME FRIENDS OF OURS...BOSS #1: Ah, Damian, so glad you could make it.ROSS: Sir Pelham.BOSS #1: You're a fudgeweight. A total shambles. You're fired.ROSS: Thank you, Sir Pelham.BOSS #1: Don't worry about the blood, I'll get someone to come in later and mop it up.ROSS: Goodbye, Sir Pelham.BOSS #1: Here's looking at you, kid.*************GERALDINE: You wanted to see me, sir?BOSS #2: No, don't sit down. You're fired.GERALDINE: I see.*************BOSS #3: Rodney...RODNEY: No, please don't. I've got a mortgage, a family and kids, a dog even...BOSS #3: Get the **** out of my company and try not to pee yourself on the way out.RODNEY: Is there nothing I can say to make you change your mind? I'll give 110%. 250% if you insist.BOSS #3: (picks up phone) Security?****************CHERYL: You drag me in her...
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THE DARK ONE & FYODOR, PAGE 187
2007-06-12 12:25:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Any more news on the Dark One?HOLMES: Well, my wacky quacky, it is most curious that you should mention it, because but half an hour ago I discovered a photo of her when she was in the buxom flame of her youth.WATSON: But Holmes, I thought you'd burnt all those old photos.HOLMES: This particular photograph was deputising as a bookmark in Dostoyevsky's Crime And Punishment.WATSON: But why on earth, pray, were you poking around in Fyodor's masterpiece?HOLMES: I was in philosophical mood with the coming of the equinox and I was trying to remember a certain profundity that I had encountered in that most excellent of literary works.WATSON: Good Lord! And did you find it, old man?HOLMES: Indeed I did, Botty Watty. It was bookmarked with the Dark One's photo at the very spot.WATSON: And what is this profundity that led you there, may I enquire?HOLMES: "Talk nonsense, but talk your nonsense and I shall kiss you for it. To go wrong in one...
More About: Page , Sherlock Holmes , The Dark , The D

SUMMER FRIVOL0TARY - Q LIMERIX
2007-06-11 17:44:00
SUMMER IS ALMOST UPON US. WITH MUCH FRIVOLOTARY, WEEZ CHILLIN' IN DA SUN, INNIT. WIKKED. Q LIMERIX.FROM THE SHORTLY TO BE INGESTED ANTHOLOGY OF The Very Best Of Tails From The Bird & Buffalo Volume 0.5, WE BRING YOU...THE LIMERICK OF OZby The Auld BuffaloThere was a young man from AustraliaWho had elephantine genitaliaHis ancestors were felonsHis balls were like melonsAnd his dick was a map of WestphaliaIF YOU'D LIKE YOUR LIMERICK TO APPEAR HERE, OR SIMPLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR WANTON GARGOYLES WID US, SEND DA MESSAGE TO: birdandbuffalo@hotmail.com
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DYLAN SAYS: SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube
2007-06-07 16:14:00
I balanced ma' tool, brought Woody to mind,The beers to come seemed nuthin' but griefI'm blowin' in the wind, me and ma' behindIn balance with ma' mojo, but I can't get no reliefhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GImg XAg-Sh4SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube , NOW, DUDES!DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES
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LUCINDA NEVER L0VED ME - Q HANDKERCHIEF
2007-06-06 14:58:00
BIRD: Love, love, love. I know, you're expecting another tired old blog entry about the one thing that - sometimes - separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. But habitually, I want to draw your attention to something else - the curious frequency of bad happenings with those amongst you who have come into contact with Luci nda. Blawwww, I hear you say. There's more than one Lucinda, and some Lucindas are quite nice - kinda hot too. But when I sent out a questionnaire to blokes around the whirled about the deep hurt they've encountered in their oftenwhile miserable lives, one name kept cropping up again and again - Lucinda. So... I was inverting that maybe there is one Lucinda who is to blame for the exponential increase in handkerchief sales since 1997. From 200,000 a year since 1945 to a whopping 3.67 million a year in 2006. Sure Lee, no coincidence.To put this into some dire consequence, here is just a cross section of the comments from blokes who should know better:Rod ...
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INFERNAL QUESTIONS & THE EVER PIDDLING STREAM OF CONSCIENTIOUSNESS
2007-06-05 16:43:00
BUFFALO: So many questions, so little time.BIRD: What now?BUFFALO: Call me Rodney, but I've never been happy, nay, I have no concept of happiness, I don't expect to be happy, I don't even WANT to be happy and as for reassessing my life - from what to what? Today, I'm here. Yesterday, I was there. Tomorrow, I'll be somewhere else. Really, dude, it's no big deal. BIRD: Maudlin again, are we?BUFFALO: Dude, I am THIS close to pulling my Magnum out and blowing me fecking brains out.BIRD: Why don't you?BUFFALO: Coz it won't solve anything, willit? Coz the bad karma will come get me over there, on the udder side of da fence. Coz say what you like, we are all more than just carbon. Coz somewhere I can be, and not in a fizzy logical sense, if ya get m'drift. Bluddy Rud Yard and his If. Not if but somewhere. Somewhere I belong. Somewhere I shall overcome. Somewhere, as Eisenstein once said - forward! Somewhere I shall be at one with the Universal Power Grid of dreams and arc...
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SAVE PARIS HILTON NOW!
2007-06-04 15:23:00
WE, THE UNDECIDED, BELIEVE THAT RICH BITCH PARIS HILTON SHOULD BE SAVED NOW, BECAUSE SHE IS A HUMAN BEING AND UM, ER, WELL, SHE'S A FAKE BLONDE, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND UM, SHE HAS THE CHARM AND CHARISMA OF A FLATULENT GIANT SLUG DROWNING IN ITS OWN SLIME, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS DEVOTED THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF PRECIOUS TV AIR TIME TO HER SELF-CENTRED, DUMB JOURNEY OF INCONSEQUENTIAL SEX AND PRECIOUS LITTLE ROCK AND ROLL, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS CONSISTENTLY FAILED TO ENTERTAIN OR INSPIRE ANY OTHER LIVING BEING ON THIS PLANET WITH HER PRANCING AROUND THE WORLD WITH NO PANTIES ON AND TRYING TO SING LIKE BRITNEY, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS SQUANDERED MILLIONS OF POUNDS ON USELESS ITEMS OF JEWELLERY AND CLOTHES AND FAILED BEAUTY TREATMENTS AND BRAINLESS ANTICS INVOLVING LOTS OF BOOZE AND IDIOTIC YOUNG MALES WHOSE WANGERS ARE MIGHTIER THAN THEIR SENSE, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT ...
More About: Paris Hilton , Paris , Hilton , Save

CHEERS, ZIMMERS! ON YouTube
2007-05-31 14:45:00
THIS JUST IN FROM DA WHO:Gawd bless ya, Zimmer s! I woz havin' a Ruby Murray, thinking about getting bucket and spade, when me Al Capone rang and some geezer told me the Zimmers had done us proud. Cheers! Baked potato. Keep rocking!rubber gloveRogerS'pose it's in a good cause but the guitar solo is rubbish. That chick third from the left in the back row's kind of hot, though.All the bestPetexAND THE REVIEW THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT:It meanders playfully in a daze of gargantuan contentment, effortlessly transforming erstwhile biddies to hitherto unknown levels of awareness and contextual gravitas. I defy anyone to listen to this song and not soil themselves then cry uncontrollably over past misdemeanours. A cultural hiatus at the crossroads. Unforgettable!Dave Digitalis-ProfundererRolling StonedAND DON'T TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT. DOWNLOAD IT NOW & MAKE THE CODGERS ETERNALLY PLENTIFULhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z qfFrCUrEbY
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HONEY LOVE - IS IT TRUE TOMCHIK?
2007-05-30 12:52:00
IN A CHANCE ENCOUNTER DOWN AT STUCKEY'S, THE AULD BUFF WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY HIS PAST. AND NOW HE'S GOT SOME SONOROUS QUESTIONS FOR DA TOMCHIK INNITBUFFALO: Dude?TOMCHIK: Oh, yes, I see, you're talking to me.BUFFALO: Well, I don't see nobody else here.TOMCHIK: You want to ask me about something?BUFFALO: It's like this, Tomchik. I was hitting on the pecan logs down at Stuckey's when this drop-dead gorgeous blonde came my way. She ditsied over and kissed me full on the lips and said she never expected to find me here. Well, I knew that kiss, those cheeks, those eyes, that smell... It was Trudi, with an I, ya get me? And ker-bam sha-lam wooo-hooo! I was in love all over again. You still with me?TOMCHIK: Er, yes, I think I can follow your meandering train of thought.BUFFALO: Well, the thing is, see, Trudi and me were an item way back in the days when I wore shorts and she wore white ankle socks va va vooom!TOMCHIK: You were, how do you say, childhood sweethearts, yes?B...
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SUPER POOCH TO THE RESCUE
2007-05-29 12:31:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Have you heard the rumour?HOLMES: What is a rumour if not a disintegration of integrity?WATSON: Well, yes, of course. But this is serious, old man. They say that Professor Moriarty is sending an assassin to rub you out, old thing.HOLMES: But Watty, old bean, that's old news. The intended assassin was found but ten minutes ago face down in a pile of dog faeces in Regent's Park.WATSON: What?! But that's impossible! That is about when you took Toby for a stroll to the park to execute his daily ablutions.HOLMES: Just so, old chap. Most fortuitous. The blighter was about to load up a poison dart when our dear pooch here hurled himself at the stinker with aplomb, digging his perfectly formed canine pincers right into the evildoer's jugular.WATSON: Good Lord!HOLMES: Whereupon in all the excitement, Toby brought forward his ablutions then expertly jumped back as the fiendish would-be murderer fell face down in the um...WATSON: Po...
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POOR CHARLIE... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube
2007-05-28 13:22:00
Poor Charlie , he always loved parpingAnd now he?s deadIt must have been too cramped for him his Percy Bysshe gave wayThey saidOh ho ho ho, it was up, down, sideways always(Still the cork popped whilst frumping)I was much too far out in virtual, dudeAnd not waving but dumpinghttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeK GZaoda1cSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube now!Download your poem on YouTube & Educate & Alleviate the Asses
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GIMME DA JOB, DUDE!
2007-05-21 13:47:00
IN DESPERATION & IN VIEW OF AN IMPENDING COURT CASE, THE AULD BUFFALO HAS FINALLY BITTEN THE SAUERKRAUT & APPLIED FOR A JOB AT McDonald 's. IN A MATTER OF HOURS, HE WILL DISPATCH THE FOLLOWING JOB APPLICATION, WHICH IS SHORTLY TO APPEAR ON YouTube. NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK, YOU KNOW WOT I MEEN. ANY INSENSIBLE SUGGESTIONS GREAT FULLY RECEIVED. BTW UNTIL THE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR OPTION FOR HIS SCREENPLAY ABOUT THE GREAT ALLEVIATOR & SOCIALLY BACKWARD IMMOBILIZER JEREMIAH JUGHEAD ENTITLED JUGS ARE MY LIFE COMES THRU, THIS IS HIS ONLY HOPE! PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.NAME: Splendor G. Mainwaring.SEX: Now and then.DESIRED POSITION: On top.EDUCATION: I am in favor of it.LAST POSITION HELD: Venison counter.SALARY: Forty bucks an hour.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Teri Winderski.REASON FOR LEAVING: She was preggers.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anything except Happy Hour.PREFERRED HOURS: Noon to 1PM, Sundays.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? I am adept at finding the Mons Venus within 2.5 seconds....
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YouTube CUMZ GUD
2007-05-19 21:38:00
Omigod! After much wrangling and incentivisational inducements, YouTube have giving the red, blue, amber, indigo light to I...Is this the beginningOr merely end to end?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhRNlC TTr4wSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES!
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YUMMY FRIDAY, APPRAISAL BLUEYS, MORE YouTube
2007-05-18 11:17:00
BIRD WRITES IN INGRATIATED EMAIL:Woke up this morning, rolled out of bed. Jumped in me motor and whizzed off to the Bore Fest. The only thing that kept me going was YUMMY FRIDAY. A breakfast down da White City to kill, or be killed, for. Oh yum yum yum yum - gooey egg dripping all over the fork and then straight in me gob, followed by scrummy bacon, meticulously stripped of all fat and grist, and then munchy mushrooms dispatched down the hatch followed by spicy sausage and baked beans, all washed down with much slurping and contented gargling by an organic coffee and a pan chocolat. YUMMY!BUFFALO WRITES IN HASTILY COMPOSED EMAIL:No fry-up for me, you wonker! Banned from fry-ups for past misdemoaners. Munching me oats here, dude, and scrunching me nuts. btw that vid you made for YouTube . Old Sparkers watched it on his Real Player. It scared him so bad he decaffeinated in his Lederhosen! Decorating yer Freddy is all very well, but that roving eyeball puts spivers up the pine.BIRD WRIT...
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IF... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube
2007-05-17 14:44:00
If I should die, think only this of me:That there's some corner of a cyber interactive rabbit-poo festooned fieldThat is forever PubistanJeremiah JugheadSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES
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THE RIGHT GUFF ON YouTube
2007-05-16 12:51:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I've just been offered half a million big ones to dish the dirt on you, old chap, what what what.HOLMES: Watson, old man, what dirt could you possibly be referring to?WATSON: Oh, you know, old beanster, those terribly naughty pastimes you pursued as a lad.HOLMES: My dear Watty, I hardly think they would be of any interest even to my official biographer Jeremiah Jughead.WATSON: Oh, come now, Holmes, you know that were the public to become acquainted with some of your youthful wayward practices, there would be demands for your head.HOLMES: Now listen to me, my good man, anything I told you about guffing at school and kissing girls on their belly buttons in the tool shed by the light of a glow worm must never be committed to paper.WATSON: Oh, really? So you ARE ashamed of your past?HOLMES: Not in the slightest, dear boy. But these juvenile experiences do not maketh the man or shed any light on the genius that was to follow.WATSON: ...
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MUCUS EXTRACTION BANNED IN PUBISTAN
2007-05-14 15:27:00
Yes, it's true, my freedom loving, tub thumping, freestyle humping chums! The People's Democratic Republic of Pubistan has just passed a law to ban making the picking of one's nose in public places an offence as of June 1st 2007. This inhuman, highly provocative and ultimately self-implosive act will prevent anyone over the age of two years of age with or without a runny nose from dealing appropriately with the offending snotpiece. It will also mean, since all vehicles and barns, sheds, garages, greenhouses and outside toilets have been designated as public areas, that any citizen caught in the aforementioned structures partaking of a bit of picky wicky of the honourable bogey will be liable to the maximum punishments under the law, which are as follows:For the first offence: the nose shall be knitted together by needle and thread for a period of no more than ten years, and no less than nine years, eleven months and 30 days.For the second offence: one or both nostrils shall be...
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SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY JOOST RIGHT
2007-05-08 09:11:00
BIRD: Buff, you darty auld Finn sniffer, you've been sleeping with the enemy!!BUFFALO: Rubbish, lad. Rumors of my deflection have been greatly exaggerated. I'm merely taking a walk on the Wilde side, so to speak.BIRD: But you're consorting with. . . ugh. . . felons - er, felines, pussy people!BUFFALO: Takes all kinds to make a whirled, Birdy. I mean, look at the two of us - we're fookin' certifiable, mate, and yet Fifi still talks to us.BIRD: Ah, Fifi Lamour... now there's a woman for ya.BUFFALO: If you want to chastise someone, get on her case for sleeping with the VC.BIRD: The Victoria Cross?BUFFALO: The Charlie. Geddit?BIRD: Tendriolic obscurios, Buffters. I appertain your meanness. Well, at least you have to give the lad high marks for good taste.BUFFALO: Yes, but as the cultured lady said to the Thunnus thynnus, or blue fin tuna to you, Birdy...BIRD: Izzat right? Well, bollax to you, too, Buffo!BUFFALO: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. As Pearl, the cultured lady, sai...
More About: Sleeping , Joost , Sleep , Right , Enemy

LOVE SUCKS
2007-05-04 14:05:00
BIRD: It?s like a fookin? tomb in here, Buff.BUFF: Oh, that?s because I?ve been up to my ass in vampires lately, dude.BIRD: Vampires? What are you doing mucking about with the Undead, like?BUFF: Gotta come up with a new title for ?Bloodsuit?. Hud says those wonkers in Hollywood all think it?s a horror film and they won?t read the fookin? script. Hud thinks the title should be more romantic like, and also make it clear that it?s about Dracula, who?s become an attorney and is shagging his old lover Lucrezia Borgia, who?s also an attorney, and also make it clear that they?re duking it out in court over a billion dollar lawsuit.BIRD: Blimey, that?s a tall order. I always liked ?Bloodsuit? myself.BUFF: I know, but Hud?s in Hawaii watching his wing-ding float in a lagoon, slurping Poi, surrounded by Hula girls in grass skirts with Hibiscus flower pasties on their great articulated nips. I fear he's gone native.BIRD: The darty old Hudster. How about ?Bloodsucking Attorney and Smokin? Hot ...
More About: Love , Sherlock Holmes , Suck , Sucks

JOOST IS THE WORD
2007-05-03 13:14:00
Well, actually, it's not. But to be incontrovertible, what is Joost ? What does it taste like? What does it smell like? What does it look like? Where does it live? What lies beneath all the hype and the slime? Should MySpace and YouTube and Britney feel threatened? Is Second Life out of breath? Is Google about to be God no? Is Adsense ass sense? Is blogroll no better than bog roll? Is there beauty in the beast? Is the environment a nice place to live? Is silverlight as translucent as Bakolite? Are cream crackers really so smooth? Is vitamin C the tablet of choice? Is the Year Zero a band or a brand? Is Digg not all that groovy? Are current events as sexy as Kent? Is the vacuum the cleaner or the wiser? Is open-source a scar or a spot? Can HD-DVD be better than Pal? Is Ajax a place or a powder? Is Coke still cool or all bubbled out? Are the children safe or about to grow old? Isn't it time to stop calling me baby? What is war if not the absence of peace? ...
More About: American Idol , Word