Tails From The Bird & Buffalo

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THAR SHE BLOWS!
2007-04-10 11:47:00
BIRD: Buffers, are you conscious?BUFFALO: Semi, Birdy. Wuzzup?BIRD: Just checking to see if you're still among the quick.BUFFALO: Aye, still hanging in here, trying to weather the latest Arctic blast. The bloody wind's like "Mariah" today.BIRD: Mariah Carey?BUFFALO: No, more like Drew Carey. . . overdone and not very funny. Also it's colder than a witch's nips out there, or so I'm told by Osbee, who just phoned to find out if I'd invalidated my life insurance policy yet.BIRD: Lordy, you're not thinking about taking Old Betsy out for a stroll in the woods again, are you?BUFFALO: Oh, hell, no, Birdy. It's too frickin' cold. I'm waiting for better weather so I can accidentally drown meself in the lake, like.BIRD: Why not drown your sorrows in a six pack of Hobgoblin Ale, instead?BUFFALO: It's a pleasant thought, but as the song goes, "I tried drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows had learned how to swim."BIRD: Blimey, that's diabolical. Speaking of which, how's Sparky's rom...
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T WITH LIPTON
2007-04-05 12:03:00
BIRD: Buffmeister, are you decent?BUFFALO: More or less. I'm up, robed, oatmealed, and slurping tea.BIRD: Prince of Wales?BUFFALO: No, alas, regular old Lipton, supplied by my new neighbor, Minnie Castavet, just moved here from North or South Dakota - she was a bit vague about that - keeps saying "The Dakota".BIRD: Crikey, Buff, you don't think she's referencing John Lennon's old digs?BUFFALO: Damn, I thought that tea had a chalky under-taste. . .BIRD: Er, does she have any children?BUFFALO: Yes, a son. Right ugly little tyke. He has some sort of 'orrible skin condition, all scaly like. Also, sounds as if he's incredibly clumsy.BIRD: Oh, how so?BUFFALO: Well, Minnie's constantly complaining that he has hooves for hands.BIRD: What's the little tyke's name, then?BUFFALO: B. L. Selbubb. They call him "Bub" for short.BIRD: What's the "B. L" stand for?BUFFALO: Babylon Lucifer, I think.BIRD: Blimey. Do you ever hear chanting through the walls late at night?BUFFALO: How would I k...

PAM-A-LAM, I KID THEE NOT
2007-04-04 12:14:00
BUFFALO: Guten Morgan, mein Tweeter.BIRD: Wotcha, Buff! So, how's it going today?BUFFALO: Well, I managed to get out of bed - no easy task.BIRD: Still nauseous and full of fear and loathing, are you?BUFFALO: Yeah, pretty much, compounded by a horrible fookin' dream brought on no doubt by seeing a silly ass Frog Flic last night at the Silver Cinema.BIRD: A French film? You? A Buffalo?BUFFALO: Don't know what possessed me. It was "Arthur and the Invisibles". I was the only person in the theater. A bit eerie, that. Very strange animated film. So fast paced you'd swear you were on speed. I was friggin' exhausted when they ran the credits. Dreamed I was being eaten by thousands of tiny little crabs about the size of dimes. Woke up in a cold sweat, craving seafood.BIRD: Any Freudian symbolism there, you think?BUFFALO: Could be. Osbee's a Cancer, y'know. That might explain it. Or it could be a warning to stay away from Clare, lest I contract the old crabs, like.BIRD: So, have you ...

TOE JAMMIN' WITH SPARKY & THE CELEBS
2007-04-03 12:23:00
BUFFALO: Birdy, you dare?BIRD: Roger, old Fartful Dodger. So you survived the armpit invasion?BUFFALO: Just barely. Spark y saved my bacon. He was awakened from his beauty sleep by the excruciating screams, which pissed him off no end.BIRD: Blimey, what happened?BUFFALO: He poked his head out of his bedroom door to see what all the hub-bub was about and said "What's with the decibels, man? I've got to get up in fourteen hours to go to work!"BIRD: Sounds rather aggressive for the Sparkster.BUFFALO: I'll say. You could've tickled my ass with a feather and bowled me over with a large grapefruit, not to mention that it scared the pudding out of those marauding celebs. Sparkers looks a perfect fright when he first regains consciousness - like the Crypt Keeper's doppelganger on angel dust. Causes pregnant women to spontaneously abort and grown men to faint in coils.BIRD: Sacre bleu merde! So then what happened?BUFFALO: One of the celebs had an acid flashback. Thought Sparky was the c...
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CHURLISH ARMPITS & THE FINAL CONVULSION
2007-04-02 14:12:00
BIRD: You still there?BUFFALO: Yep. Strapped up in the last wagon wheel to hell.BIRD: That good, eh? Maybe you should drop the meds.BUFFALO: The last time I did that, Clare ambushed me in my Ford Mustang. Now the steering's gone to total bollaxery. And the eyesight ain't that good neither.BIRD: Dude, it breaks my heart to see you like this. Is there nothing I can do to help?BUFFALO: Dude, you've done more than enuff. Nope, this is my starring roll. The slow fadeout, the pulling of the plug on the longest pimple on the earth's bulging groin. Ain't nuffink but slowburn from now on.BIRD: But if you hurry, maybe you can stop the article going to print.BUFFALO: Too damned honest for my own goods. And now I shall leave this world the same way I entered it - with a sore ass in an arc of P.BIRD: Dude, you can start again.BUFFALO: Without mah kith and kin, universally hated throughout the Motown state and shunned in Florida?BIRD: Screw the lot of 'em. You've still got Sparky...
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THE GREATEST JOKE NEVER TOLD
2007-03-29 17:57:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: What now, Watson?WATSON: Says here the greatest joke never told has just been found in the vault at the Bank of England.HOLMES: Oh, really. And you're telling me this because...WATSON: Look, I'm sorry, old man, that you lost your life savings on that damnable pyramid scheme that came highly recommended by Patrick Shortfartering, who happens to be a long-running associate and croquet buddy of mine, but well, past is past. A fool and his money are easily parted what what what.HOLMES: Don't speak too soon, you abominable quack. You lost all YOUR life savings too AND Hudders' inheritance from her great-great grandmother's beauty salon.WATSON: Indeed. Which is why I think we are all in need of a jolly good belly laugh.HOLMES: Get to the point, will you, before I get to YOUR point.WATSON: Well, I was thinking why don't we all take a stroll down to the Bank and er... have a peep. I'm sure it will do us all the world of good.HOLMES: Firstly, who s...
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INTRODUCING G-FORCE & THE MAGIC MARKER
2007-03-25 15:16:00
THE BIRD & BUFFALO HUMBLY APOLOGIZE FOR THEIR ABSENCE. PLIZ, NO MORE ABUSIVE EMAILS, K? WE FEEL YER FRUSTRATION BUT HEAVY CACKOW IS GOIN' DOWN & WE GOTTA DEAL WID IT, INNIT. ANYHOO... BACK IN DA LAND OF DA RELIVING...BUFFALO: Birdy, you der?BIRD: Freshly flocked and feathered, Buff.BUFFALO: Remember my asshole buddy G-Force ?BIRD: The Mesomorph beefcake chap with OCD? The one who's always full mast?BUFFALO: Yeah. He’s been gainfully unemployed for a while, but still working part-time as a weekend bouncer at some trendy singles bar in the upscale burbs. They let him flex his biceps in tight black t-shirts to lure in flocks of vacuous birds who get blind pissed drunk and rogered in the back seats of Camaros in the parking lot at closing time. Anyhoo, he's finally landed another gig in his chosen career field.BIRD: Professional muff-diving?BUFFALO: No, something to do with computers. “IT” or “ID” or some damn Freudian thing. He’s tried to explain it to me but it makes...
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THE SANITY CLAUSE
2007-03-16 00:21:00
SPARKY: Birdy, are you there?BIRD: Right here, Sparkers! Got the day off for good behaviour again?SPARKY: Yeah. (sighs) I have to appear at the sanity hearing.BIRD: Crikey. For the Buff, y'mean? That was for real, like?SPARKY: All too real for my taste, man.BIRD: What taste? Buffers said you can't taste a bleedin' thing since you went off the sauce all of eight years ago.SPARKY: Eight and half, man, but who's counting?BIRD: All right then, give us the skinny, dude. Has the randy old Buff gone off his melon?SPARKY: That groovy cat's been off his melon as long as I've known him -but he's outdone himself this time, man.BIRD: Good Lord. . . let me guess. He's acted out his fantasies about his therapist, innit? The Jenny Agutter/Annette Benning hybrid? He's gone and jammed his great gnarly nappy head up between her porcelain knees and goddess-like thighs and given her both barrels, er, horns, like?SPARKY: Oh, he did that many celestials ago, man.BIRD: What? And he wasn't arrest...
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FROM A TENDER BUFFALO...
2007-03-13 23:36:00
Hello, Ms Tatyana!A tender blutwurst is raining buckets whilst winding for a blow. It needs maximum gratification... I feel like this now, well, all the time, as matterly fact... Cover me with your warm melons and hand me with your tender lips and I will be yours in nectarol perpetuity and eternal gratitude... If you are looking for something hard and enduring, if your Lucy misses something important...write to me... my bed is lonely... let them meet...http://randyauldbuffalowidmassivew oody.com/feelfreeWaiting for your letter/email/phone call/ring on the doorbellBuff alo Carfax ArmsMotownBUFFALO: Whaddya think, dude?BIRD: Yowzer, yowzer, yowzer!BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
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FROM A TENDER FLOWER...
2007-03-12 19:19:00
Hello, Mr Buffalo!A tender flower is crying on the cold rain and blowing wind. Itneeds protection... I feel like this now... Cover me with your warmhands and kiss me with your tender lips and I will be yours... If youare looking for something, if your heart misses something important...write to me... my heart is lonely... let them meet...http://greatmatchings.com/feelfree Waiting for your letterTatyanaBUFFALO: Wot the...BIRD: Film at eleven.BUFFALO: Gaff, gaff!
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REQUIEM FOR A SHITHOUSE RAT
2007-03-08 01:43:00
SPARKY: He's on the cellphone. He's asking for ya, man.BIRD: Thank you, God. Put him on.BUFFALO: Meet me by the grave of Percy Longwater Gooding, by the light of the silvery moon.BIRD: Dude?BUFFALO: Why Percy Longwater Gooding? Because his bones are slight and the earth is soft.BIRD: Are you OK?BUFFALO: How we let the silence swallow us up. So little moves me any more. If only I had an extra pair of lungs.BIRD: Just how much trank have you had, dude?BUFFALO: I’ve kept this last piece specially for you. Sorry if I’m a little vague, but human contact was never my forte. Don't forget to water the balls, old chum. Cheerio, Lucy.(cellphone cuts out)BIRD: Sparky?SPARKY: Fifi?FIFI: Dotty?DOTTY: Watson?WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Hm. One is reminded of The Notorious Case Of The Missing Gamete Of Bayswater, alas no longer in print, but if memory serves me right a most malicious toxic mixture of horse manure, pig's trotters' glue and Toblerone was injected into a passing coal man for a be...
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OF REAL MEN & QUICHE
2007-03-07 11:36:00
BUFFALO: Never take a 54 mg time release Ritalin capsule at 3 in the afternoon, even if you ARE falling asleep at the wheel on I-94 driving to Detroit Metro Airport. You'd be better off to take the first exit, find a Starbuck's, and drink an entire pot of coffee so heavily caffeinated that it would bring Lazarus back to life. The caffeine will wear off in four or five hours but Ritalin is for-fooking-ever, sports fans. Nine hours and 21 minutes and I'm still totally stoked, and tempted to drive north all night to the bloody bridge just to see the sun rise behind the Grand Hotel on the off chance that Britney Spears might be there in a sheer negligee listening to variations on a theme by Paganini on a goddamned music box. What the HELL was I thinking?BIRD: And you say that was the last you heard of him, Sparky?SPARKY: That was the last telephone conversation we had, man.BIRD: And that was 11 hours ago, and he never made it to the airport?SPARKY: Exactamundo, man. That is way not...
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THE REVENGE OF THE FILTHY MUTTS
2007-03-06 11:15:00
HOLMES: Watson!WATSON: (panting) Yes, Holmes?HOLMES: I draw your attention to exhibit F by the pantry.WATSON: It's a canine deposit what what what.HOLMES: I know what it is, you quirky quack. I want to know what you're going to do about it and exhibits A-E.WATSON: It's Jemima, Holmes. She's away from home, in our safe keeping I might add, whilst her master embarks on a most important errand for Our Majesty. She's experiencing deep stress at being in strange surroundings.HOLMES: Watson, the perpetrator of exhibit F is not Jemima the Alsatian, but that filthy bloodhound Toby, who really has no excuse.WATSON: He's excited, Holmes. I think he's taken quite a shine to our Jemima.HOLMES: And he displays his amorous interest in her by fouling up the place? Pull the other one, it's got church bells on it.WATSON: It's only for a few more days, old boy. Perhaps if you were more playful with them, they'd relax more.(loud parp in distance)HOLMES: Watson, there goes another. It...
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DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 3: GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD
2007-03-03 14:34:00
BIRD: "I am home now. At least I think it's home. I don't recognise my room and the people claiming to be my parents haven't yet told me what they've done with my real parents. I buried Bud this morning in a simple yet deeply moving ceremony. I have just watched the video of it, so I know what I'm talking about. RIP Bud, we love you. Well, I do, anyway. I am still afraid. In 19 days time I shall be nine."BUFFALO: (sighs) I'm touched, dude. Rewinds me of when my dear old Goldfish Fred bit the bullet, like.BIRD: "I have just been told that my brother has found a new girlfriend and won't be coming home any more. As a parting present, he gave me a copy of Playboy and told me to 'toss myself silly' over it. I really have no idea what he's talking about. It isn't Pancake Day and I'm rubbish at cooking, anyway. This evening, Fatty Rupert came round and asked me for money. 'That fiver you owe me, I want it back,' he said. I told him I didn't know anything about a fiver and af...
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DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 2: I AM AFRAID
2007-03-02 12:45:00
BIRD: "When I was released from hospital, Mad Billy and his chums ambushed me when I went to the letter box to post a thank you letter to the doctors and nurses for being so kind. I was kicked to the ground, and then beaten unconscious with a cucumber from our garden. I am not afraid. In 27 days from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Fookin' L, dude! So you went back to hospital, like.BIRD: "I'm not sure what time it is, but it's late. I am back in hospital, under the sheets with a torch. I don't remember how I got here. The man in the next bed says they took me for a brain scan. My mother came to see me and was very pale. 'Don't leave us, Birdy!' she wailed. It was most embarrassing. Of course I'm not going anywhere. My parents feed and clothe me. I know when I'm on to a good thing. I am not afraid. In 25 days time I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Not sure I can take much more of this, Birdman.BIRD: "This morning they took away my torch, so I am writing this in th...
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DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 1: I AM NOT AFRAID
2007-03-01 14:14:00
BIRD: "I dreamt last night of a bathroom. The door is creaking backwards and forwards, beckoning me inside. The bathroom is divided into three. The basin is straight ahead. To my right is Deborah in the bath, fully clothed. She's on the phone, laughing. To my left a towel is being sprayed with water to make it dry(!). There is a ball falling from a great height towards me. I am not afraid. One month from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Huh?BIRD: "Today, at school I got hit in the face by a ball. I have lost three teeth, broken my jaw and have double vision. How spooky is that! I am not afraid. In 30 days from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Dude?BIRD: "I woke up this morning to find I had lost all feeling in my left leg and my right eye was the size of a very large potato. As I was stumbling to the bathroom, I slipped and fell down the stairs. My head made heavy contact with the reinforced glass on the front door. I lost consciousness for two and a half hours. The a...
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ANTONELLA BARBA DOWN DEEP & DARTY ON DA YOUTUBE
2007-02-28 13:23:00
BUFFALO: Antonella who? Did wot?BIRD: Antonella Barba . American Idol, dude. She's gonna win it, Apparent Lee, by a head. Her vid is doin' a gagging trade on da YouTube , like.BUFFALO: Wot vid? Xplain, pliz, Lucy.BIRD: It's incredible. Pushing the boundaries. Breaking new ground.BUFFALO: Holy salivations! Wot in Theodore Digitalis's name is she doin' innit?BIRD: Gardening, dude. Getting down deep and darty.BUFFALO: Wot, with a trowel and shrubs 'n' stuff?BIRD: Yahhh-p. The way she strokes that hoe - it's electrifying!BUFFALO: Omigod! I'm gettin' that Olivia Newton-John Grease moment all over again. Just wot exactly is she doin' wid dat hoe, dude?BIRD: Cutting the border on the lawn.BUFFALO: No! Ohhh...BIRD: Yes. And you know wot she does next?BUFFALO: Don't tell me, lemme guess. Cuts the lawn?BIRD: Yahhp! Slowly, methodically, like a real pro. Wiping her hot, sweaty face and brow as she goes.BUFFALO: Oh Merciful Marigolds! Is she wearin' a hat?BIRD: Yahhp.BUFFALO: A baseb...
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ALL OUR SOMETHINGS
2007-02-27 13:14:00
BIRD: Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. But somewhere...FIFI: ...all the somethings you ever dreamed about are waiting--to get you!!!BIRD: Yikes!
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AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
2007-02-26 13:51:00
BIRD: Britney Sp... HELEN MIRREN! Yay!BUFFALO: Woo!BIRD: Yippee!BUFFALO: Foo-dook-a-rooooo!BIRD: Ger-fum-a-ummm!BUFFALO: Per-too-a-shooooo!BIRD: (sighs deeply)BUFFALO: (sighs deeply)BIRD: Our Hels!BUFFALO: Your Hels!BIRD: The Long Good Friday, Piscali's Island...BUFFALO: The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover, The Madness Of King George...BIRD: Last Orders, Gosford Park...BUFFALO: Calendar Girls...BIRD: And The Queen! BUFFALO: Mah-vellous!BIRD: Spiffing! Birth name Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov.BUFFALO: 5ft 4 inches tall. Nickname Popper.BIRD: Made a dame in 2003.BUFFALO: 36-25-36...BIRD: (sighs deeply)BUFFALO: (sighs deeply)BIRD: Sayonara, Britney?BUFFALO: Do one, Spears!BIRD: Helen at eleven!BUFFALO: Ahhhhhf, ahhhhhf!
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FUBAR THE ROBOT
2007-02-22 12:21:00
HOLMES: America? Surely you jest, Watters.WATSON: God’s tooth, Holmes. I was there in the winter of ‘80.HOLMES: Not in “Lost Wages” I trust?WATSON: Good heavens, no, Holmes. I was summoned to the wilds of Pennsylvania. The capitol, no less. A rather prosaic burg. . . Harrisburg, to be precise. Not far from the fabled town of Hershey, where the street lamps are done up in the shape of the infamous Hershey Kisses. . . bizarre, that. They have a “theme park” dedicated to the proliferation of chocolate.HOLMES: Milk?WATSON: With Earl Grey? Gads, Holmes. . . no, thank you, just a spot of lemon and sugar, there’s a good fellow.HOLMES: Harrisburg.WATSON: Yes, indeed. . . it seems that a gaggle of writers were in need of a travelling physician.HOLMES: Whatever for?WATSON: Have you ever known any writers, Holmes?HOLMES: Only Sir Arthur. . . and that eccentric chap, Wilde.WATSON: Right. So you know of the proclivity of writers for the grape, shall we say?HOLMES: Ah, I appertain y...
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THE BRITNEY HAT ACCORDING TO JOYCE & EINSTEIN
2007-02-21 11:48:00
BIRD: Dude, Frank Lee, you look like a total fookwit with a tea cosy on. BUFFALO: Dude, it's warm, OK. I call it the Britney Hat . BIRD: Dude, if Britney sees you like this... BUFFALO: Britney, Paris, Helen, Jenny, Betty, Daisy, Carmen fecking Miranda. It don't make no difference. As Joyce once said, "His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead." BIRD: Wot the fook's THAT supposed to mean? BUFFALO: The drugs don't work. BIRD: Eh? BUFFALO: I used to imagine that I would be more happy at this stage of my life, living in the bosom of my family and all, growing old gracefully with a woman who loved and understood me... BIRD: And? BUFFALO: That I'd be more relaxed and mellow, and a bit wiser and more philosophical about life and so on. BIRD: What's brought all this on? BUFFALO: The hat. The "I Am A Fookwit Ha Ha Ha I Shall Now Go And Blow My Brains O...
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IN ONE EAR, OUT DA UDDER
2007-02-20 13:11:00
BIRD: Guess if you can't beat 'em...BUFFALO: Dude, now you're just being silly. You've lost yer color.BIRD: Desperate measures. Like you said.BUFFALO: But but but but but...BIRD: I've even shaved off me pubes, like.BUFFALO: No!BIRD: In solidarity. Saw Britney last nite on Fookwits Global TV. Felt VERY sorry for her.BUFFALO: Yer all heart, dude. And just as I woz beginning to feel like a tit for doing something VERY dumb.BIRD: Some geezer at Fox wanted to interview me. About the pubes, like.BUFFALO: And yer Freddy?BIRD: Still in full working order as far as I can tell.BUFFALO: No complaints from da missus then?BIRD: Nope. She likes it smooth.BUFFALO: Maybe I should...BIRD: Maybe you should.BUFFALO: But if I did, I'd feel TOTALLY nekkid.BIRD: Wear it loud and proud, Buffo.BUFFALO: OK, I will. Just one thing.BIRD: Wassat?BUFFALO: Gotta fess up. It's so fookin' cold without da kopf that I've got to wear a woolly hat, like.BIRD: Wot? You in a woolly hat? Gotta be seen to be reli...

BRITNEY & BUFFTERS UNITED AT LAST
2007-02-19 14:24:00
BIRD: Wot the Freddy, dude? Wot ya done?!BUFFALO: Nuffink much. Just shaved me gulliver, like.BIRD: Yeah, but why?BUFFALO: Solidarity with Britney , like.BIRD: Eh?BUFFALO: She's going through a tough time. She needs to know that I'm there for her. BIRD: Dude, you look like a victim of a failed lobotomy.BUFFALO: Dude, it's not how I feel, it's how Britney feels, and I know that my action has made her feel oh SO much better.BIRD: And if she shaved her nipples off?BUFFALO: Well, then I'd...BIRD: And her Shepherd's Bush?BUFFALO: Well, I'd... I'll do whatever it takes to heal that sweet misunderstood angel. The world's a wikkid place, dude. Britney's a little ray of sunshine glimmering in the fires of Hades.BIRD: She's a big slapper with the intellectual capacity and sensibilities of a frozen pea.BUFFALO: If this is a Britney versus Paris thang, don't go there, dude. The wound's still a-hurtin', if ya get m'drift.BIRD: Dude, I thought you had the hots for Helen Mirren! Not ...
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CRASH & BURN AT DOMINOES
2007-02-18 15:07:00
WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Watson?WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Watson?(TOBY WOOFS AS HE TRIES TO PRISE OPEN BICCIE TIN)It is the 20th of February. Holmes is in a sulk because I beat him, nay thrashed him at dominoes. And he is envious, methinks, of my brand-new slippers. The slippers are blue with a dash of white down the sides. They are profoundly comfortable and warm and have aided considerably the aching corn on my big toe on my left foot. We have sat here, exchanging glances, for the best part of the morning. Confound it all, one could drown in such a silence. No doctor hath greater patience than Dr Watson. It may take an hour, a day, a week even, but Holmes WILL apologise for his unbecoming behaviour and WILL forgive me and Mrs Hudson for smashing his beloved Ming vase whilst we enjoyed some hot crumpet by the fire late last night. He needs to get out more. Everybody says so. Holmes, you infuriatingly superannuated anorak, GET A LIFE!
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WATSON IN LOVE
2007-02-14 12:25:00
WATSON: Dash it, Holmes. Snap out of it what what what.HOLMES: Every year, it's the same, Watson . February 14th comes and goes without so much as a flutter of the letter box.WATSON: Oh, come now, old boy, it is but a bit of harmless piffle. You and I know it doesn't mean a thing.HOLMES: That's easy for you to say. You got a card.WATSON: Yes. So I did.HOLMES: You'd better read it out. Maybe it will alleviate my descending gloom.WATSON: Oh, righty-ho. Let me see. "Dear Hotty Watty! I have been besotted by you for decades now. Will this be the year you and I finally form an honest union before the Good Lord? Just thinking about your stethoscope on my soft, yielding flesh gives me goose bumps all over. My bosom yearns for your full examination. I would dearly love to have your babies. So whaddya say?"HOLMES: (chuckles) Oh, dear, Watson. Perhaps it is better not to receive these abominable things after all.WATSON: But what can it mean, Holmes? And who could possibly h...
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HUDDERS TO THE RESCUE
2007-02-13 12:50:00
MRS HUDSON: Oh, Mr Sherlock, I had no idea.HOLMES: It's all right, Hudders, you weren't to know.MRS HUDSON: And this baby of yours...HOLMES: My son.MRS HUDSON: You've really no idea where he is now?HOLMES: Unfortunately, not. The mother gave strict instructions that I was to be kept in the dark about his whereabouts.MRS HUDSON: But surely with all your powers of detection, you could find him, Mr Sherlock.HOLMES: Alas, there are some puzzles even the great Sherlock Holmes cannot solve.MRS HUDSON: But have you tried to find him?HOLMES: Oh, dear Hudders, it is not so simple. The boy, no doubt, has changed name and identity a hundred times since he was brought into this ugly world of ours.MRS HUDSON: Oh, Mr Sherlock, is that a tear I see in your eye?HOLMES: I fear it is, Hudders.MRS HUDSON: Oh, come here, you silly old fruit.(MRS HUDSON PULLS HOLMES TO HER WELCOMING BOSOM)MRS HUDSON: Is that better, Mr Sherlock?HOLMES: (sighs) Much better, sweet udders. I mean Hudders.MRS HUDSON: The...
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OF FLOOZIES & FEMME
2007-02-12 14:57:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: It says here in the Times that that harlot Anna Nicole Smith has passed away.HOLMES: Language, old chap, please.WATSON: Sorry, Holmes. It's just it made my blood boil the way she married that silly old fogie and diddled him out of his money.HOLMES: Don't believe everything you read, old chum. I have it on good authority that he died happily and peacefully with a long, stiff protrusion to boot.WATSON: Holmes! I'm shocked.HOLMES: Oh, come now, Watty Botty, we're both men of the world here. You didn't think that your intrepid crime cracker was blissfully unaware of the mores of his underlings, did you?WATSON: No, of course, not, it's just...HOLMES: You're not used to me referring to the male member.WATSON: Quite.HOLMES: I hardly think protrusion qualifies as talking smutty, do you?WATSON: Well, no, but but but...HOLMES: Watson, old bean, I have known pleasures other than nabbing the latest murderer to cause mayhem in Berkeley Squ...
More About: Emme , Femme

URGENT E-MAIL REPLY TO SWEET MR LOMPO
2007-02-01 23:20:01
AND I MEAN URGENT!THE BACKGROUND: WE RECEIVED THIS E-MAIL BUT YESTERDAY EVENING AND BECAUSE IT WAS MARKED URGENT WE FELT WE HAD TO RESPOND ASAP. FIFI RECKONS IT'S A SCAM BUT I DUNNO, SHE HAS A SUSPICIOUS MIND AND HE SEEMS SUCH A NICE CHAP AND HIS OFFER IS VERY HARD TO DESIST. JUDGE FOR YOURSELVES: ARE WE BEING FAIR HERE? OR TOO GENEROUS? OR JUST PLAIN STOOPID? INK-WIRING MINDS WANT 2 KNOW.THE FOREGROUND: SOME GRASS, A FEW FIR TREES, A SHED AND 6FT HIGH FENCE.MR LOMPO: FROM THE DESK OF MR MOUBARIK LOMPO MANAGER AUDIT AND ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT BANK INTERNATIONAL DU BURKINAFASO.( B.I.B)BIRD: Hi, there!MR LOMPO: I am Mr. moubarik lompo, Manager Audit Accounting Department Bank International Du Burkina B.I.B.BIRD: That's nice. Mr Loco, you say? I like banks with abbreviations. Now how can I help?MR LOMPO: I would like to know if this proposal will be worth while for your acceptance.BIRD: I'm listening.MR LOMPO: I have a Foreign Customer,Andreas Schranner from Germany who is an Investo...
More About: Mail , Sweet , E-Mail , Urgent , Gent

DULCE ET DECORUM EST AKA GEMS IN THE NIGHT
2007-02-01 11:19:02
FIFI: Birdy?BIRD: Morning. What brings you from your slumber so early on the Cod?FIFI: It?s now 3:24 and I got up to adjust my chignon and then I was hungry so I went to the fridge and found a jar of humming-bird tongues. So now I?m ready for my close-up.BIRD: How the words tumble effortlessly from your mouth. What wit. What charm. What uncanny wisdom etched into each syllable.FIFI: The little wisdom I've acquired in my turn on this earth could barely fill a teaspoon. Still, it's nice that you hold me in your heart, as I do you.BIRD: And modest with it.FIFI: Oh, to see a tear plop before the clouds obliterate us?BIRD: More gems. Blink and you?ll miss ?em. How do you do it?FIFI: Psst! Those gems are only paste. I keep the real stuff in my head.BIRD: Wow! Wait, let me get a pen, I?ve got to write this down.FIFI: Another time, tweetie pie. I?m shivering in my nightie, and getting tireder and tireder, too tired to go to bed. But I?m goin?, else tomorrow today will be a disaster. Toodl...
More About: The N , Night , Dulce , Decor , Gems

THE RETURN OF THE ERRANT MERMAID
2007-01-30 23:18:03
BUFFALO: Snap out of it, dude. We could both be dead by tomorra.BIRD: Don't wanna play no more, Buff. Had enuff.BUFFALO: Jeez. This ain't no carousel. You can't just get off when ya feel like it.BIRD: Don't wanna play. Nuff.BUFFALO: Dude, Bubbers is coming to live with us.BIRD: Bubbers, eh? Oh.BUFFALO: Is that all you can say?! " Oh!" Listen up, Birdman, we WILL get the recognition and glory we deserve. NO question.BIRD: Don't wanna play no more. It's enuff.BUFFALO: Wot the Freddy! I give up.FIFI: Let me talk to him.BUFFALO: Fifi! You're back!FIFI: I never went away. I'm still here on the Cod, your errant mermaid.BUFFALO: Gawd, am I pleased to see you. Birdy here's throwing a wobbly. Sort him out, will ya? He's drivin' me nutso.FIFI: Birdy! Now, I'm sorry if I missed your original conception but that's no way to behave in front of a lady. I have always turned to the Blog for succor, intelligence, and laffs. Don't add another wrinkle to my brow. Now get to it. You would...
More About: Rant , Return , The Return , Maid , Erma