Tails From The Bird & BuffaloTails From The Bird & BuffaloOff the wall adult humour for those struggling with existential dread as The Bird & Buffalo are. 
Articles
NEW FEATURE: IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?
2007-05-02 12:21:00 TOMCHIK, A MAN OF MYSTERY, SOME SAY HALF LITERAL/HALF VERSUPIAL. AN INQUISITOR IF EVER THERE WOZ ONE. ASK HIM ANYTHING & HE'LL... THINK ABOUT IT. A GENIUS IN HIS OWN SHOPPING BASKET, A LEGEND IN HIS OWN CROTCH, LADIES & GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU...IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?BIRD: So anyway, I was wondering...TOMCHIK: Yes?BIRD: Well, maybe you could tell us about yourself, make the readers feel comfy with you.TOMCHIK: Well, it seems to me, you know, that possibly this will not happen, but I will endeavour.BIRD: That's the spirit. Now here's a little getting to know Tomchik questionnaire. First, is it true that I invented you in Thomas Mann's own image because you have your nose stuck in a book, even whilst making love?TOMCHIK: I have been known to turn a few pages during fornication, this is an accurate statement.BIRD: And you are medium height?TOMCHIK: That is so.BIRD: Medium build?TOMCHIK: It would appear to be the case.BIRD: You have receding curly black hair on an unusually large ... More About: Feature , True , Feat
IN DEFENCE OF GALILEA MONTIJA
2007-05-01 12:57:00 And I quote: "The kid has a lovely wanger. Give him a chance!" - Britney.And I quote again: "Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother." - George Orwell. More About: Defence , Fence , Mont
NOTES FROM HOZZIE Q THE SPASMER'S TAIL
2007-04-19 12:38:00 EXCLUSIVE: SMUGGLED OUT UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS IN A CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE BICCIE TIN, ROVING REPORTER BOB SPLASHER OF THE EAST FENWICK BELCHER BRINGS YOU THE BIRD'S THOUGHTS, DREAMS & INFLECTIONS FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED AS HE FIGHTS WITH THE DREADED SPASM IN THE LOWER PLACENTA...Dear world!Yes, it's me! I'm in the post-recoiled wing of St Just's Hospital, East Fenwick. I've just had me supper - a burnt kipper (that's a fish for all you dudes from the US of Eh?!) - and a mug of rabbit's P. Well, that's what it tastes like, anyhoo. There's been a lot of prodding going on today, and I've been twisted this way and that. And that's just by me mum! Look, I told her not to come but would she listen? Eh, A, Ay? She brought me a Mars bar and twelve packets of Marks & Spencer's sea salt and pepper crisps. But I really only wanted a Coke and the book that I was reading before this horrible thing happened to me whilst stretching meself in bed. The book, by the way, is th... More About: Notes , Cadbury , Tail
SPASM UPDATE Q BENADRYL DRIP
2007-04-18 12:12:00 A STATEMENT BY SIR JOHN FURTERSPLATTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER AT ST JUST'S HOSPITAL, EAST FENWICK (AS TRANSCRIBED FROM THE EAST FENWICK BELCHER NEWSPAPER)I regret to inform you that on the morning of the 17th of April, in the year of our Lord 2007, the universally abhorred comedian Mr Bird was admitted to St Just's Hospital East Fenwick suffering from a throbbing badger in his pantaloons. Sorry, let me regurgitate. In laymen's speak, the avian patient was suffering from a spasm of the lower placenta which meant he was unable to sit straight, talk straight or bend over without requesting assistance from a nurse with a potty handy. Or a handy potty. Same difference, rarely.The appropriate treatments were subsequently applied according to the medical code. They involved steam cleaning the rogerer, massaging the todgerer, and creaming the frotherer. Unfortunately, Mr Bird responded badly to the first treatment, slightly warmed to the second treatment, and was positively impressed and... More About: Update , Drip
THE BEES... THE BEES... Q PODCAST!
2007-04-16 12:55:00 FIFI LAMOUR: And... action!BUFFALO: So I hear Prince William has dumped his gal, like.BIRD: Kate Middleton. Yep. Tragic. Nice gal if you can hack the plum in the mouth and the funny walk.BUFFALO: She'd have made a nice queen.BIRD: Maybe. Although Diana probably would've been better. Thing is the monarchy'll be done and dusted once our Madge falls off her perch.BUFFALO: "Our Madge"? Friend of yours is she? The QUEEN to you. And to everybody else.BIRD: It's affectionate, like. She's the people's QUEEN or some Finn like that.BUFFALO: Tut tut on you. You Brits are so cazh with yer traversions. Moving on.BIRD: Please do.BUFFALO: To bees.BIRD: Oh, I know this one. A Parent Lee, mobile phones are killing them off and we won't have any crops any more and the world will subsequently die an excrutiating death from mega starvation so that when the asteroid hits it won't make no difference what-so-ever. Right?BUFFALO: Spot on, Birdy. And Final Lee, Iraq .BIRD: Oh, lumme. Must we?BUFFALO:... More About: Podcast , Cast , Bees
GIMME DA MONEY, GUV'NOR!
2007-04-12 13:12:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Oh, if you must, Watson.WATSON: This letter just came for you, slipped under the fortified door what what what.HOLMES: How utterly tedious. Read it out, old boy. There's something in my toe nail.WATSON: Righto ho. "Dear Mr Shylock, With due respect and humblelity. I am Mrs. Alice Biggins of Basingstoke. I was married to da Mr Biggins of Basingstoke for four years before he what copped it down a gold mine in Abubajan. We was very 'appy but childless. Well, da Mr Biggins, he did but curl up da feet without so much as a penny for da pee pot. And I was thinking... p'raps you'd be persuadable to take pity on dis little misses, who I happen to add is seriously well in debt and in need of heavy remittance, if you could possibly bung a coupla hundred bum wipe smackers my way. I'd do anyfink to pleasure your highness.God bless ya, guv'nor!Lots of luv,AlicexxxPS And if by half a perchance, you could see your sideways to givin' me another coupla hundred b... More About: Money , Gimme
CATERING FOR THE BELOW-AVERAGE OIK
2007-04-11 11:45:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: What is it now, Watson?WATSON: Did you read that article by Rochester in the Times?HOLMES: That confounded old wind bag? What's he been saying now?WATSON: Says we can't be held responsible for gaps in other people's education what what what.HOLMES: A-ha! Some sense from the big lump of lard at last!WATSON: But he does take a pop at you, old thing.HOLMES: What's that?!WATSON: Claims you make the solving of crimes over-complicated and difficult to follow.HOLMES: (sighs) The man's riddled with contradictions. The triumph of the oiks is upon us, I can see it coming.WATSON: Quite, but he does have a point, old man. I mean, that last case, The Mysterious Mr Peg Leg & His Performing Piccolo... well, I'm blowed if I could follow the counter revolutions.HOLMES: Convolutions, Watty Botty. The fault lay not in the explanation, which was an outstanding example of lucid thinking and deductive reasoning, but in the 15-second attention span of both you and... More About: Ring , Rage , Vera , Cate , Below
THAR SHE BLOWS!
2007-04-10 11:47:00 BIRD: Buffers, are you conscious?BUFFALO: Semi, Birdy. Wuzzup?BIRD: Just checking to see if you're still among the quick.BUFFALO: Aye, still hanging in here, trying to weather the latest Arctic blast. The bloody wind's like "Mariah" today.BIRD: Mariah Carey?BUFFALO: No, more like Drew Carey. . . overdone and not very funny. Also it's colder than a witch's nips out there, or so I'm told by Osbee, who just phoned to find out if I'd invalidated my life insurance policy yet.BIRD: Lordy, you're not thinking about taking Old Betsy out for a stroll in the woods again, are you?BUFFALO: Oh, hell, no, Birdy. It's too frickin' cold. I'm waiting for better weather so I can accidentally drown meself in the lake, like.BIRD: Why not drown your sorrows in a six pack of Hobgoblin Ale, instead?BUFFALO: It's a pleasant thought, but as the song goes, "I tried drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows had learned how to swim."BIRD: Blimey, that's diabolical. Speaking of which, how's Sparky's rom... More About: Dublin
T WITH LIPTON
2007-04-05 12:03:00 BIRD: Buffmeister, are you decent?BUFFALO: More or less. I'm up, robed, oatmealed, and slurping tea.BIRD: Prince of Wales?BUFFALO: No, alas, regular old Lipton, supplied by my new neighbor, Minnie Castavet, just moved here from North or South Dakota - she was a bit vague about that - keeps saying "The Dakota".BIRD: Crikey, Buff, you don't think she's referencing John Lennon's old digs?BUFFALO: Damn, I thought that tea had a chalky under-taste. . .BIRD: Er, does she have any children?BUFFALO: Yes, a son. Right ugly little tyke. He has some sort of 'orrible skin condition, all scaly like. Also, sounds as if he's incredibly clumsy.BIRD: Oh, how so?BUFFALO: Well, Minnie's constantly complaining that he has hooves for hands.BIRD: What's the little tyke's name, then?BUFFALO: B. L. Selbubb. They call him "Bub" for short.BIRD: What's the "B. L" stand for?BUFFALO: Babylon Lucifer, I think.BIRD: Blimey. Do you ever hear chanting through the walls late at night?BUFFALO: How would I k...
PAM-A-LAM, I KID THEE NOT
2007-04-04 12:14:00 BUFFALO: Guten Morgan, mein Tweeter.BIRD: Wotcha, Buff! So, how's it going today?BUFFALO: Well, I managed to get out of bed - no easy task.BIRD: Still nauseous and full of fear and loathing, are you?BUFFALO: Yeah, pretty much, compounded by a horrible fookin' dream brought on no doubt by seeing a silly ass Frog Flic last night at the Silver Cinema.BIRD: A French film? You? A Buffalo?BUFFALO: Don't know what possessed me. It was "Arthur and the Invisibles". I was the only person in the theater. A bit eerie, that. Very strange animated film. So fast paced you'd swear you were on speed. I was friggin' exhausted when they ran the credits. Dreamed I was being eaten by thousands of tiny little crabs about the size of dimes. Woke up in a cold sweat, craving seafood.BIRD: Any Freudian symbolism there, you think?BUFFALO: Could be. Osbee's a Cancer, y'know. That might explain it. Or it could be a warning to stay away from Clare, lest I contract the old crabs, like.BIRD: So, have you ...
TOE JAMMIN' WITH SPARKY & THE CELEBS
2007-04-03 12:23:00 BUFFALO: Birdy, you dare?BIRD: Roger, old Fartful Dodger. So you survived the armpit invasion?BUFFALO: Just barely. Spark y saved my bacon. He was awakened from his beauty sleep by the excruciating screams, which pissed him off no end.BIRD: Blimey, what happened?BUFFALO: He poked his head out of his bedroom door to see what all the hub-bub was about and said "What's with the decibels, man? I've got to get up in fourteen hours to go to work!"BIRD: Sounds rather aggressive for the Sparkster.BUFFALO: I'll say. You could've tickled my ass with a feather and bowled me over with a large grapefruit, not to mention that it scared the pudding out of those marauding celebs. Sparkers looks a perfect fright when he first regains consciousness - like the Crypt Keeper's doppelganger on angel dust. Causes pregnant women to spontaneously abort and grown men to faint in coils.BIRD: Sacre bleu merde! So then what happened?BUFFALO: One of the celebs had an acid flashback. Thought Sparky was the c... More About: Celeb , With , Celebs , Park
CHURLISH ARMPITS & THE FINAL CONVULSION
2007-04-02 14:12:00 BIRD: You still there?BUFFALO: Yep. Strapped up in the last wagon wheel to hell.BIRD: That good, eh? Maybe you should drop the meds.BUFFALO: The last time I did that, Clare ambushed me in my Ford Mustang. Now the steering's gone to total bollaxery. And the eyesight ain't that good neither.BIRD: Dude, it breaks my heart to see you like this. Is there nothing I can do to help?BUFFALO: Dude, you've done more than enuff. Nope, this is my starring roll. The slow fadeout, the pulling of the plug on the longest pimple on the earth's bulging groin. Ain't nuffink but slowburn from now on.BIRD: But if you hurry, maybe you can stop the article going to print.BUFFALO: Too damned honest for my own goods. And now I shall leave this world the same way I entered it - with a sore ass in an arc of P.BIRD: Dude, you can start again.BUFFALO: Without mah kith and kin, universally hated throughout the Motown state and shunned in Florida?BIRD: Screw the lot of 'em. You've still got Sparky... More About: Final , Sion , Fina
THE GREATEST JOKE NEVER TOLD
2007-03-29 17:57:00 WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: What now, Watson?WATSON: Says here the greatest joke never told has just been found in the vault at the Bank of England.HOLMES: Oh, really. And you're telling me this because...WATSON: Look, I'm sorry, old man, that you lost your life savings on that damnable pyramid scheme that came highly recommended by Patrick Shortfartering, who happens to be a long-running associate and croquet buddy of mine, but well, past is past. A fool and his money are easily parted what what what.HOLMES: Don't speak too soon, you abominable quack. You lost all YOUR life savings too AND Hudders' inheritance from her great-great grandmother's beauty salon.WATSON: Indeed. Which is why I think we are all in need of a jolly good belly laugh.HOLMES: Get to the point, will you, before I get to YOUR point.WATSON: Well, I was thinking why don't we all take a stroll down to the Bank and er... have a peep. I'm sure it will do us all the world of good.HOLMES: Firstly, who s... More About: Joke , Great , Ever , Test , Never
INTRODUCING G-FORCE & THE MAGIC MARKER
2007-03-25 15:16:00 THE BIRD & BUFFALO HUMBLY APOLOGIZE FOR THEIR ABSENCE. PLIZ, NO MORE ABUSIVE EMAILS, K? WE FEEL YER FRUSTRATION BUT HEAVY CACKOW IS GOIN' DOWN & WE GOTTA DEAL WID IT, INNIT. ANYHOO... BACK IN DA LAND OF DA RELIVING...BUFFALO: Birdy, you der?BIRD: Freshly flocked and feathered, Buff.BUFFALO: Remember my asshole buddy G-Force ?BIRD: The Mesomorph beefcake chap with OCD? The one who's always full mast?BUFFALO: Yeah. He’s been gainfully unemployed for a while, but still working part-time as a weekend bouncer at some trendy singles bar in the upscale burbs. They let him flex his biceps in tight black t-shirts to lure in flocks of vacuous birds who get blind pissed drunk and rogered in the back seats of Camaros in the parking lot at closing time. Anyhoo, he's finally landed another gig in his chosen career field.BIRD: Professional muff-diving?BUFFALO: No, something to do with computers. “IT” or “ID” or some damn Freudian thing. He’s tried to explain it to me but it makes... More About: Magic , Mark , Intro , Marker
THE SANITY CLAUSE
2007-03-16 00:21:00 SPARKY: Birdy, are you there?BIRD: Right here, Sparkers! Got the day off for good behaviour again?SPARKY: Yeah. (sighs) I have to appear at the sanity hearing.BIRD: Crikey. For the Buff, y'mean? That was for real, like?SPARKY: All too real for my taste, man.BIRD: What taste? Buffers said you can't taste a bleedin' thing since you went off the sauce all of eight years ago.SPARKY: Eight and half, man, but who's counting?BIRD: All right then, give us the skinny, dude. Has the randy old Buff gone off his melon?SPARKY: That groovy cat's been off his melon as long as I've known him -but he's outdone himself this time, man.BIRD: Good Lord. . . let me guess. He's acted out his fantasies about his therapist, innit? The Jenny Agutter/Annette Benning hybrid? He's gone and jammed his great gnarly nappy head up between her porcelain knees and goddess-like thighs and given her both barrels, er, horns, like?SPARKY: Oh, he did that many celestials ago, man.BIRD: What? And he wasn't arrest... More About: Clause
FROM A TENDER BUFFALO...
2007-03-13 23:36:00 Hello, Ms Tatyana!A tender blutwurst is raining buckets whilst winding for a blow. It needs maximum gratification... I feel like this now, well, all the time, as matterly fact... Cover me with your warm melons and hand me with your tender lips and I will be yours in nectarol perpetuity and eternal gratitude... If you are looking for something hard and enduring, if your Lucy misses something important...write to me... my bed is lonely... let them meet...http://randyauldbuffalowidmassivew oody.com/feelfreeWaiting for your letter/email/phone call/ring on the doorbellBuff alo Carfax ArmsMotownBUFFALO: Whaddya think, dude?BIRD: Yowzer, yowzer, yowzer!BUFFALO: Arf, arf! More About: Tend , Ender , Tender
FROM A TENDER FLOWER...
2007-03-12 19:19:00 Hello, Mr Buffalo!A tender flower is crying on the cold rain and blowing wind. Itneeds protection... I feel like this now... Cover me with your warmhands and kiss me with your tender lips and I will be yours... If youare looking for something, if your heart misses something important...write to me... my heart is lonely... let them meet...http://greatmatchings.com/feelfree Waiting for your letterTatyanaBUFFALO: Wot the...BIRD: Film at eleven.BUFFALO: Gaff, gaff! More About: Tend , Flower , Lower , Ender , Lowe
REQUIEM FOR A SHITHOUSE RAT
2007-03-08 01:43:00 SPARKY: He's on the cellphone. He's asking for ya, man.BIRD: Thank you, God. Put him on.BUFFALO: Meet me by the grave of Percy Longwater Gooding, by the light of the silvery moon.BIRD: Dude?BUFFALO: Why Percy Longwater Gooding? Because his bones are slight and the earth is soft.BIRD: Are you OK?BUFFALO: How we let the silence swallow us up. So little moves me any more. If only I had an extra pair of lungs.BIRD: Just how much trank have you had, dude?BUFFALO: I’ve kept this last piece specially for you. Sorry if I’m a little vague, but human contact was never my forte. Don't forget to water the balls, old chum. Cheerio, Lucy.(cellphone cuts out)BIRD: Sparky?SPARKY: Fifi?FIFI: Dotty?DOTTY: Watson?WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Hm. One is reminded of The Notorious Case Of The Missing Gamete Of Bayswater, alas no longer in print, but if memory serves me right a most malicious toxic mixture of horse manure, pig's trotters' glue and Toblerone was injected into a passing coal man for a be... More About: House , Shit , Ouse , Requiem
OF REAL MEN & QUICHE
2007-03-07 11:36:00 BUFFALO: Never take a 54 mg time release Ritalin capsule at 3 in the afternoon, even if you ARE falling asleep at the wheel on I-94 driving to Detroit Metro Airport. You'd be better off to take the first exit, find a Starbuck's, and drink an entire pot of coffee so heavily caffeinated that it would bring Lazarus back to life. The caffeine will wear off in four or five hours but Ritalin is for-fooking-ever, sports fans. Nine hours and 21 minutes and I'm still totally stoked, and tempted to drive north all night to the bloody bridge just to see the sun rise behind the Grand Hotel on the off chance that Britney Spears might be there in a sheer negligee listening to variations on a theme by Paganini on a goddamned music box. What the HELL was I thinking?BIRD: And you say that was the last you heard of him, Sparky?SPARKY: That was the last telephone conversation we had, man.BIRD: And that was 11 hours ago, and he never made it to the airport?SPARKY: Exactamundo, man. That is way not... More About: Men , Real Men , Real
THE REVENGE OF THE FILTHY MUTTS
2007-03-06 11:15:00 HOLMES: Watson!WATSON: (panting) Yes, Holmes?HOLMES: I draw your attention to exhibit F by the pantry.WATSON: It's a canine deposit what what what.HOLMES: I know what it is, you quirky quack. I want to know what you're going to do about it and exhibits A-E.WATSON: It's Jemima, Holmes. She's away from home, in our safe keeping I might add, whilst her master embarks on a most important errand for Our Majesty. She's experiencing deep stress at being in strange surroundings.HOLMES: Watson, the perpetrator of exhibit F is not Jemima the Alsatian, but that filthy bloodhound Toby, who really has no excuse.WATSON: He's excited, Holmes. I think he's taken quite a shine to our Jemima.HOLMES: And he displays his amorous interest in her by fouling up the place? Pull the other one, it's got church bells on it.WATSON: It's only for a few more days, old boy. Perhaps if you were more playful with them, they'd relax more.(loud parp in distance)HOLMES: Watson, there goes another. It... More About: Revenge
DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 3: GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD
2007-03-03 14:34:00 BIRD: "I am home now. At least I think it's home. I don't recognise my room and the people claiming to be my parents haven't yet told me what they've done with my real parents. I buried Bud this morning in a simple yet deeply moving ceremony. I have just watched the video of it, so I know what I'm talking about. RIP Bud, we love you. Well, I do, anyway. I am still afraid. In 19 days time I shall be nine."BUFFALO: (sighs) I'm touched, dude. Rewinds me of when my dear old Goldfish Fred bit the bullet, like.BIRD: "I have just been told that my brother has found a new girlfriend and won't be coming home any more. As a parting present, he gave me a copy of Playboy and told me to 'toss myself silly' over it. I really have no idea what he's talking about. It isn't Pancake Day and I'm rubbish at cooking, anyway. This evening, Fatty Rupert came round and asked me for money. 'That fiver you owe me, I want it back,' he said. I told him I didn't know anything about a fiver and af... More About: Life , World , Archive , Cruel , Part
DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 2: I AM AFRAID
2007-03-02 12:45:00 BIRD: "When I was released from hospital, Mad Billy and his chums ambushed me when I went to the letter box to post a thank you letter to the doctors and nurses for being so kind. I was kicked to the ground, and then beaten unconscious with a cucumber from our garden. I am not afraid. In 27 days from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Fookin' L, dude! So you went back to hospital, like.BIRD: "I'm not sure what time it is, but it's late. I am back in hospital, under the sheets with a torch. I don't remember how I got here. The man in the next bed says they took me for a brain scan. My mother came to see me and was very pale. 'Don't leave us, Birdy!' she wailed. It was most embarrassing. Of course I'm not going anywhere. My parents feed and clothe me. I know when I'm on to a good thing. I am not afraid. In 25 days time I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Not sure I can take much more of this, Birdman.BIRD: "This morning they took away my torch, so I am writing this in th... More About: Life , Archive , Part , Archi , Raid
DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 1: I AM NOT AFRAID
2007-03-01 14:14:00 BIRD: "I dreamt last night of a bathroom. The door is creaking backwards and forwards, beckoning me inside. The bathroom is divided into three. The basin is straight ahead. To my right is Deborah in the bath, fully clothed. She's on the phone, laughing. To my left a towel is being sprayed with water to make it dry(!). There is a ball falling from a great height towards me. I am not afraid. One month from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Huh?BIRD: "Today, at school I got hit in the face by a ball. I have lost three teeth, broken my jaw and have double vision. How spooky is that! I am not afraid. In 30 days from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Dude?BIRD: "I woke up this morning to find I had lost all feeling in my left leg and my right eye was the size of a very large potato. As I was stumbling to the bathroom, I slipped and fell down the stairs. My head made heavy contact with the reinforced glass on the front door. I lost consciousness for two and a half hours. The a... More About: Life , Archive , Part , Archi , Raid
ANTONELLA BARBA DOWN DEEP & DARTY ON DA YOUTUBE
2007-02-28 13:23:00 BUFFALO: Antonella who? Did wot?BIRD: Antonella Barba . American Idol, dude. She's gonna win it, Apparent Lee, by a head. Her vid is doin' a gagging trade on da YouTube , like.BUFFALO: Wot vid? Xplain, pliz, Lucy.BIRD: It's incredible. Pushing the boundaries. Breaking new ground.BUFFALO: Holy salivations! Wot in Theodore Digitalis's name is she doin' innit?BIRD: Gardening, dude. Getting down deep and darty.BUFFALO: Wot, with a trowel and shrubs 'n' stuff?BIRD: Yahhh-p. The way she strokes that hoe - it's electrifying!BUFFALO: Omigod! I'm gettin' that Olivia Newton-John Grease moment all over again. Just wot exactly is she doin' wid dat hoe, dude?BIRD: Cutting the border on the lawn.BUFFALO: No! Ohhh...BIRD: Yes. And you know wot she does next?BUFFALO: Don't tell me, lemme guess. Cuts the lawn?BIRD: Yahhp! Slowly, methodically, like a real pro. Wiping her hot, sweaty face and brow as she goes.BUFFALO: Oh Merciful Marigolds! Is she wearin' a hat?BIRD: Yahhp.BUFFALO: A baseb... More About: Youtube , Deep
ALL OUR SOMETHINGS
2007-02-27 13:14:00 BIRD: Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. But somewhere...FIFI: ...all the somethings you ever dreamed about are waiting--to get you!!!BIRD: Yikes! More About: Methi , Things , Something , Thing , Some
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
2007-02-26 13:51:00 BIRD: Britney Sp... HELEN MIRREN! Yay!BUFFALO: Woo!BIRD: Yippee!BUFFALO: Foo-dook-a-rooooo!BIRD: Ger-fum-a-ummm!BUFFALO: Per-too-a-shooooo!BIRD: (sighs deeply)BUFFALO: (sighs deeply)BIRD: Our Hels!BUFFALO: Your Hels!BIRD: The Long Good Friday, Piscali's Island...BUFFALO: The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover, The Madness Of King George...BIRD: Last Orders, Gosford Park...BUFFALO: Calendar Girls...BIRD: And The Queen! BUFFALO: Mah-vellous!BIRD: Spiffing! Birth name Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov.BUFFALO: 5ft 4 inches tall. Nickname Popper.BIRD: Made a dame in 2003.BUFFALO: 36-25-36...BIRD: (sighs deeply)BUFFALO: (sighs deeply)BIRD: Sayonara, Britney?BUFFALO: Do one, Spears!BIRD: Helen at eleven!BUFFALO: Ahhhhhf, ahhhhhf! More About: Oscar , The O , Goes
FUBAR THE ROBOT
2007-02-22 12:21:00 HOLMES: America? Surely you jest, Watters.WATSON: God’s tooth, Holmes. I was there in the winter of ‘80.HOLMES: Not in “Lost Wages” I trust?WATSON: Good heavens, no, Holmes. I was summoned to the wilds of Pennsylvania. The capitol, no less. A rather prosaic burg. . . Harrisburg, to be precise. Not far from the fabled town of Hershey, where the street lamps are done up in the shape of the infamous Hershey Kisses. . . bizarre, that. They have a “theme park” dedicated to the proliferation of chocolate.HOLMES: Milk?WATSON: With Earl Grey? Gads, Holmes. . . no, thank you, just a spot of lemon and sugar, there’s a good fellow.HOLMES: Harrisburg.WATSON: Yes, indeed. . . it seems that a gaggle of writers were in need of a travelling physician.HOLMES: Whatever for?WATSON: Have you ever known any writers, Holmes?HOLMES: Only Sir Arthur. . . and that eccentric chap, Wilde.WATSON: Right. So you know of the proclivity of writers for the grape, shall we say?HOLMES: Ah, I appertain y... More About: Robot , Robo
THE BRITNEY HAT ACCORDING TO JOYCE & EINSTEIN
2007-02-21 11:48:00 BIRD: Dude, Frank Lee, you look like a total fookwit with a tea cosy on. BUFFALO: Dude, it's warm, OK. I call it the Britney Hat . BIRD: Dude, if Britney sees you like this... BUFFALO: Britney, Paris, Helen, Jenny, Betty, Daisy, Carmen fecking Miranda. It don't make no difference. As Joyce once said, "His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead." BIRD: Wot the fook's THAT supposed to mean? BUFFALO: The drugs don't work. BIRD: Eh? BUFFALO: I used to imagine that I would be more happy at this stage of my life, living in the bosom of my family and all, growing old gracefully with a woman who loved and understood me... BIRD: And? BUFFALO: That I'd be more relaxed and mellow, and a bit wiser and more philosophical about life and so on. BIRD: What's brought all this on? BUFFALO: The hat. The "I Am A Fookwit Ha Ha Ha I Shall Now Go And Blow My Brains O... More About: Einstein , Stein
IN ONE EAR, OUT DA UDDER
2007-02-20 13:11:00 BIRD: Guess if you can't beat 'em...BUFFALO: Dude, now you're just being silly. You've lost yer color.BIRD: Desperate measures. Like you said.BUFFALO: But but but but but...BIRD: I've even shaved off me pubes, like.BUFFALO: No!BIRD: In solidarity. Saw Britney last nite on Fookwits Global TV. Felt VERY sorry for her.BUFFALO: Yer all heart, dude. And just as I woz beginning to feel like a tit for doing something VERY dumb.BIRD: Some geezer at Fox wanted to interview me. About the pubes, like.BUFFALO: And yer Freddy?BIRD: Still in full working order as far as I can tell.BUFFALO: No complaints from da missus then?BIRD: Nope. She likes it smooth.BUFFALO: Maybe I should...BIRD: Maybe you should.BUFFALO: But if I did, I'd feel TOTALLY nekkid.BIRD: Wear it loud and proud, Buffo.BUFFALO: OK, I will. Just one thing.BIRD: Wassat?BUFFALO: Gotta fess up. It's so fookin' cold without da kopf that I've got to wear a woolly hat, like.BIRD: Wot? You in a woolly hat? Gotta be seen to be reli...
BRITNEY & BUFFTERS UNITED AT LAST
More articles from this author:2007-02-19 14:24:00 BIRD: Wot the Freddy, dude? Wot ya done?!BUFFALO: Nuffink much. Just shaved me gulliver, like.BIRD: Yeah, but why?BUFFALO: Solidarity with Britney , like.BIRD: Eh?BUFFALO: She's going through a tough time. She needs to know that I'm there for her. BIRD: Dude, you look like a victim of a failed lobotomy.BUFFALO: Dude, it's not how I feel, it's how Britney feels, and I know that my action has made her feel oh SO much better.BIRD: And if she shaved her nipples off?BUFFALO: Well, then I'd...BIRD: And her Shepherd's Bush?BUFFALO: Well, I'd... I'll do whatever it takes to heal that sweet misunderstood angel. The world's a wikkid place, dude. Britney's a little ray of sunshine glimmering in the fires of Hades.BIRD: She's a big slapper with the intellectual capacity and sensibilities of a frozen pea.BUFFALO: If this is a Britney versus Paris thang, don't go there, dude. The wound's still a-hurtin', if ya get m'drift.BIRD: Dude, I thought you had the hots for Helen Mirren! Not ... More About: United , Last , Buff , Unit 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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