Tails From The Bird & Buffalo

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CRASH & BURN AT DOMINOES
2007-02-18 15:07:00
WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Watson?WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Watson?(TOBY WOOFS AS HE TRIES TO PRISE OPEN BICCIE TIN)It is the 20th of February. Holmes is in a sulk because I beat him, nay thrashed him at dominoes. And he is envious, methinks, of my brand-new slippers. The slippers are blue with a dash of white down the sides. They are profoundly comfortable and warm and have aided considerably the aching corn on my big toe on my left foot. We have sat here, exchanging glances, for the best part of the morning. Confound it all, one could drown in such a silence. No doctor hath greater patience than Dr Watson. It may take an hour, a day, a week even, but Holmes WILL apologise for his unbecoming behaviour and WILL forgive me and Mrs Hudson for smashing his beloved Ming vase whilst we enjoyed some hot crumpet by the fire late last night. He needs to get out more. Everybody says so. Holmes, you infuriatingly superannuated anorak, GET A LIFE!
More About: Crash , Dominoes , Domino , Domin , Burn

WATSON IN LOVE
2007-02-14 12:25:00
WATSON: Dash it, Holmes. Snap out of it what what what.HOLMES: Every year, it's the same, Watson . February 14th comes and goes without so much as a flutter of the letter box.WATSON: Oh, come now, old boy, it is but a bit of harmless piffle. You and I know it doesn't mean a thing.HOLMES: That's easy for you to say. You got a card.WATSON: Yes. So I did.HOLMES: You'd better read it out. Maybe it will alleviate my descending gloom.WATSON: Oh, righty-ho. Let me see. "Dear Hotty Watty! I have been besotted by you for decades now. Will this be the year you and I finally form an honest union before the Good Lord? Just thinking about your stethoscope on my soft, yielding flesh gives me goose bumps all over. My bosom yearns for your full examination. I would dearly love to have your babies. So whaddya say?"HOLMES: (chuckles) Oh, dear, Watson. Perhaps it is better not to receive these abominable things after all.WATSON: But what can it mean, Holmes? And who could possibly h...
More About: Love

HUDDERS TO THE RESCUE
2007-02-13 12:50:00
MRS HUDSON: Oh, Mr Sherlock, I had no idea.HOLMES: It's all right, Hudders, you weren't to know.MRS HUDSON: And this baby of yours...HOLMES: My son.MRS HUDSON: You've really no idea where he is now?HOLMES: Unfortunately, not. The mother gave strict instructions that I was to be kept in the dark about his whereabouts.MRS HUDSON: But surely with all your powers of detection, you could find him, Mr Sherlock.HOLMES: Alas, there are some puzzles even the great Sherlock Holmes cannot solve.MRS HUDSON: But have you tried to find him?HOLMES: Oh, dear Hudders, it is not so simple. The boy, no doubt, has changed name and identity a hundred times since he was brought into this ugly world of ours.MRS HUDSON: Oh, Mr Sherlock, is that a tear I see in your eye?HOLMES: I fear it is, Hudders.MRS HUDSON: Oh, come here, you silly old fruit.(MRS HUDSON PULLS HOLMES TO HER WELCOMING BOSOM)MRS HUDSON: Is that better, Mr Sherlock?HOLMES: (sighs) Much better, sweet udders. I mean Hudders.MRS HUDSON: The...
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OF FLOOZIES & FEMME
2007-02-12 14:57:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: It says here in the Times that that harlot Anna Nicole Smith has passed away.HOLMES: Language, old chap, please.WATSON: Sorry, Holmes. It's just it made my blood boil the way she married that silly old fogie and diddled him out of his money.HOLMES: Don't believe everything you read, old chum. I have it on good authority that he died happily and peacefully with a long, stiff protrusion to boot.WATSON: Holmes! I'm shocked.HOLMES: Oh, come now, Watty Botty, we're both men of the world here. You didn't think that your intrepid crime cracker was blissfully unaware of the mores of his underlings, did you?WATSON: No, of course, not, it's just...HOLMES: You're not used to me referring to the male member.WATSON: Quite.HOLMES: I hardly think protrusion qualifies as talking smutty, do you?WATSON: Well, no, but but but...HOLMES: Watson, old bean, I have known pleasures other than nabbing the latest murderer to cause mayhem in Berkeley Squ...
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URGENT E-MAIL REPLY TO SWEET MR LOMPO
2007-02-01 23:20:01
AND I MEAN URGENT!THE BACKGROUND: WE RECEIVED THIS E-MAIL BUT YESTERDAY EVENING AND BECAUSE IT WAS MARKED URGENT WE FELT WE HAD TO RESPOND ASAP. FIFI RECKONS IT'S A SCAM BUT I DUNNO, SHE HAS A SUSPICIOUS MIND AND HE SEEMS SUCH A NICE CHAP AND HIS OFFER IS VERY HARD TO DESIST. JUDGE FOR YOURSELVES: ARE WE BEING FAIR HERE? OR TOO GENEROUS? OR JUST PLAIN STOOPID? INK-WIRING MINDS WANT 2 KNOW.THE FOREGROUND: SOME GRASS, A FEW FIR TREES, A SHED AND 6FT HIGH FENCE.MR LOMPO: FROM THE DESK OF MR MOUBARIK LOMPO MANAGER AUDIT AND ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT BANK INTERNATIONAL DU BURKINAFASO.( B.I.B)BIRD: Hi, there!MR LOMPO: I am Mr. moubarik lompo, Manager Audit Accounting Department Bank International Du Burkina B.I.B.BIRD: That's nice. Mr Loco, you say? I like banks with abbreviations. Now how can I help?MR LOMPO: I would like to know if this proposal will be worth while for your acceptance.BIRD: I'm listening.MR LOMPO: I have a Foreign Customer,Andreas Schranner from Germany who is an Investo...
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DULCE ET DECORUM EST AKA GEMS IN THE NIGHT
2007-02-01 11:19:02
FIFI: Birdy?BIRD: Morning. What brings you from your slumber so early on the Cod?FIFI: It?s now 3:24 and I got up to adjust my chignon and then I was hungry so I went to the fridge and found a jar of humming-bird tongues. So now I?m ready for my close-up.BIRD: How the words tumble effortlessly from your mouth. What wit. What charm. What uncanny wisdom etched into each syllable.FIFI: The little wisdom I've acquired in my turn on this earth could barely fill a teaspoon. Still, it's nice that you hold me in your heart, as I do you.BIRD: And modest with it.FIFI: Oh, to see a tear plop before the clouds obliterate us?BIRD: More gems. Blink and you?ll miss ?em. How do you do it?FIFI: Psst! Those gems are only paste. I keep the real stuff in my head.BIRD: Wow! Wait, let me get a pen, I?ve got to write this down.FIFI: Another time, tweetie pie. I?m shivering in my nightie, and getting tireder and tireder, too tired to go to bed. But I?m goin?, else tomorrow today will be a disaster. Toodl...
More About: The N , Night , Dulce , Decor , Gems

THE RETURN OF THE ERRANT MERMAID
2007-01-30 23:18:03
BUFFALO: Snap out of it, dude. We could both be dead by tomorra.BIRD: Don't wanna play no more, Buff. Had enuff.BUFFALO: Jeez. This ain't no carousel. You can't just get off when ya feel like it.BIRD: Don't wanna play. Nuff.BUFFALO: Dude, Bubbers is coming to live with us.BIRD: Bubbers, eh? Oh.BUFFALO: Is that all you can say?! " Oh!" Listen up, Birdman, we WILL get the recognition and glory we deserve. NO question.BIRD: Don't wanna play no more. It's enuff.BUFFALO: Wot the Freddy! I give up.FIFI: Let me talk to him.BUFFALO: Fifi! You're back!FIFI: I never went away. I'm still here on the Cod, your errant mermaid.BUFFALO: Gawd, am I pleased to see you. Birdy here's throwing a wobbly. Sort him out, will ya? He's drivin' me nutso.FIFI: Birdy! Now, I'm sorry if I missed your original conception but that's no way to behave in front of a lady. I have always turned to the Blog for succor, intelligence, and laffs. Don't add another wrinkle to my brow. Now get to it. You would...
More About: Rant , Return , The Return , Maid , Erma

WHEN EVERYTHING'S GOING DIDDLY SQUIDDERS
2007-01-29 23:17:01
BUFFALO: You OK there, dude?BIRD: Yeah, fine. Excuse me while I chew my arm off.BUFFALO: Wassup?BIRD: Dunno. Just feel a bit down, dude. Just when I thought we were getting some Ware with that LA producer, it's all come to diddly squidders.BUFFALO: Guess we gotta face it that the world isn't ready for Tails From The Bird & Buffalo: The Movie.BIRD: But dude, what more can we do? We've got a cult following.BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.BIRD: Rave reviews of da blog. An honorary mention on Google.BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.BIRD: Publishers pissing over each other to get us to sign for the new Holmes' franchise.BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.BIRD: But the big one, the REALLY big one is still out of reach.BUFFALO: But but but we're massive in Motown, dude.BIRD: Yeah, and Pubistan, although nobody knows where the fook it is or if we're ever gonna see any royalties.BUFFALO: Cool it, dude. We'll make it. Did ya see that movie American Splendor about that guy who wrote comic books for 30 years? They made a film about h...
More About: Everything , When , Ever , Thing , Squid

PUBISTAN OR BUST!
2007-01-26 11:14:01
HOLMES: A most entertaining individual, our Mr Borat.WATSON: What did he want?HOLMES: To educate, to enquire, to postulate, to pontificate, to tease, to squeeze, to please, to release, to be.WATSON: Good Lord, he sounds terribly invigorating.HOLMES: Oh, he is. He is. Now tell me, Watson, where exactly is Pubistan situated?WATSON: Pubistan? Er, um, well, it?s er? on the border of Kazakhstan, Kirghizstan and Outer Mongolia what what what. Isn't it?HOLMES: I think you?ll find that?s China, old boy. No, you can guess as much as you like, but you won?t find it, I?ve looked.WATSON: But that?s preposterous, Holmes. How can anyone visit it if they can?t find it?HOLMES: Precisely my point, you burnt-out old Quack.WATSON: But but but the rabbits? scrotums, the tanks, the fan belts for washing machines...HOLMES: All real, but all this time, in fact since this blog first began, no-one has managed to establish where this veritable republic of tranquillity actually is.WATSON: I say, perhaps it?s...
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ARTY ANUS IN DISTRESS & THICKENING PLOTS
2007-01-24 17:11:01
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Says here that artificial anus chappie?HOLMES: Arty.WATSON: Quite. Says he?s been smuggled out of Cuba in Pubistan?s diplomatic pouch.HOLMES: Curiouser ad nauseum. Why so?WATSON: Apparently, relations between the two republics have been decidedly frosty since Pubistan?s president Hazam Riyorebollokov rebuked Fidel for ?ogling Miss Pubistan 2006, his daughter Fuzilla Hamzanella Riyorebollokov, in a highly suggestive and desirous manner incompatible with one?s internationalist socialist duty?.HOLMES: Dash it, old boy, do you mean Fidel wanted to give her one, as they say in common parlance?WATSON: Indeed he did. And Fidel cancelling the importation of hundreds of thousands of rabbits? scrotums didn?t go down very well in Pubistan, either.HOLMES: Has Cuba declared war on Pubistan yet?WATSON: Methinks it can only be but a matter of time. They've dispatched their navy - a rubber dinghy with a lawn mower motor on, maximum speed 30mph with...
More About: Stress , Tres , Anus , Plot

ARTY ON THE RUN
2007-01-23 23:09:02
REPORTS ARE COMING IN FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS THAT ARTY, THE ARTIFICIAL ANUS SUCCESSFULLY ATTACHED TO AN OLD SOCIALIST BUNGHOLE BY THE NAME OF FIDEL CASTRO, HAS GIVEN HIS HOST THE SLIP AND IS NOW ON THE RUN.APPARENTLY, ARTY AND FIDEL QUARRELLED LATE LAST NIGHT ABOUT THE PAMPHLET SHORTLY TO BECOME A BEST SELLER IN CUBA WITHOUT SELLING A COPY, PENNED BY THE AILING, SMELLY DICTATOR ENTITLED "THE MEANS OF DISTRIBUTION AND THE ONE PARTY STATE IN THE GLOBAL VILLAGE FACING ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER AND THE PROSPECTS OF CUBA EVER WINNING THE SOCCER WORLD CUP". INSIDE SOURCES SAY TEMPERS FRAYED WHEN FIDEL LABELLED THE ENGLAND FOOTBALL TEAM "A BUNCH OF LOSERS WITH NO CAHONES".EXPERTS SAY ARTY CAN'T GO FAR, DUE TO THE LACK OF SIGNIFICANT SELF-PROPULSION AND NO INDEPENDENTLY FUNCTIONING ORGANS TO SPEAK OF. CASTRO, WHILST LYING IN AN EXCRUTIATINGLY UNPLEASANT POSE AND SUFFERING FROM SEVERE DRAUGHT DUE TO THE ABSENCE OF ANY ANUS TO SPEAK OF, HAS ISSUED A DEEP APOLOGY URGING ARTY TO COME BACK TO H...

CASTRO'S ARTIFICIAL ANUS IN HIS OWN WURST... UH WORDS
2007-01-23 11:08:02
ONCE WE HEARD THAT CASTRO?S SPANKING NEW ARTIFICIAL ANUS WAS PREPARED TO GIVE US A WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, THERE REALLY WAS ONLY ONE MAN TO CONDUCT THAT INTERVIEW ? THE IRREPRESSIBLE, THE INDEFATIGABLE, THE EPIPHENOMENALOGICAL, THE BIODEGRADABLE, THE ONE, THE ONLY JERRY ARSCHLICKER. SO LET?S HEAR IT FOR JERRY & THE POOP SCOOP OF THE 21ST CENTURY!(PROLONGED APPLAUSE FOLLOWED BY SPORADIC GUNFIRE FOLLOWED BY THE OPENING BARS OF THE BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB'S "CHAN CHAN")JERRY ARSCHLICKER: Hi, there, Mr? Well, let?s kick this baby off by asking you this ? what?s your real name? Some people call you Farterado, some Fudge Chute, some Whoopsie Boy. What do you say?EL PINDEJO: Well, the Cubans call me El Pindejo, which I?m reliably informed is an affectionate term for arsehole. It's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?JERRY ARSCHLICKER: Lovely!EL PINDEJO: But you can call me Arty.JERRY ARSCHLICKER: Oh, OK. I get it. Arty-ficial. Cool. Btw do I detect an English accent there?EL PINDE...
More About: Word , Words , Castro , Cast , Astro

FIDEL CASTRO & THE ARTIFICIAL ANUS
2007-01-22 11:07:01
WATSON: I say, Holmes, have you seen this in the Times?HOLMES: What's that, Watson?WATSON: Apparently, that Cuban dictator chappie Fidel Cast rato...HOLMES: Castro , Watson.WATSON: Quite. Apparently, he's had an artificial anus fitted.HOLMES: An artificial what?!WATSON: Anus. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?HOLMES: That it is the work of that dastardly fiend Professor Moriarty? Yes, Watson, I am. Although on this particularly occasion I think he's missed his mark by a long shot and has inadvertently done the civilised world a great service.WATSON: Oh? How so, old bean?HOLMES: We have known for quite some time that that odious man has been talking out of his - pardon my French - arse. This just confirms it.WATSON: Oh, yes. I see. Very good, Holmes. Splendid. Well, it would seem that he does more than just talk through his ah-hem artificial thingie.HOLMES: Meaning?WATSON: Sources close to the ailing maniac have confirmed that he now smokes cigars through his posterial synthetic p...
More About: Fidel Castro , Astro , The A

BUFFALO: You OK, dude, after the deep cleaning, like?BIRD: D
2007-01-16 17:00:07
BUFFALO: You OK, dude, after the deep cleaning, like?BIRD: Dude , I have NEVER known such pain in all mah life! Might be easier to have all me teeth taken out.BUFFALO: Wot did ya do, piss off the hygienist or some Finn?BIRD: In the pursuit of saving money, Mr Fookwit of East Fenwick here abstained from the dentist's chair for a number of years. Then came the abscess, then came swollen gums, the pain, the shame, followed by the handing over of serious cash. And yesterday, I got a right royal mauling for an hour as a sympathetic but determined hygienist jabbed me with needles several times and let loose a mechanical digger below the gum line.BUFFALO: Too much detail, dude. Soiling me boxer shorts here.BIRD: Every time it looked like I was about to swallow me tongue or chuck up, she stopped, fiddled about with the buttons on the digger, pouted oh so menacingly, then slapped the suction thingie in again and scooped down even closer to mah roots.BUFFALO: Pure horrorshow.BIRD: I staggered...
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CHECKIN' DA NOGGIN
2007-01-11 16:56:03
BUFFALO: You there, dude?BIRD: In corpus mantis.BUFFALO: That Sink Sock?s a darty dawg.BIRD: Keep it under yer woolly but my sources tell me it?s one of the many pseudo de ploms of none other than Howard A-Stern.BUFFALO: No way!BIRD: C?est vrai, mon Bison.BUFFALO: Great writing. So crisp, considered, weighty. And those links are some Finn else.BIRD: Da filthy rotter.BUFFALO: Reckon we should ask him bout da Podcast, like?BIRD: Cannae do nay harm, dude.BUFFALO: Ear, wot?s dis bout you checkin? out da Noggin?BIRD: Well, the old Himmelkopf has been itching of late and me memory?s shockingly deleterious.BUFFALO: Sorry to hear that, dude. Did ya get it scanned?BIRD: Sort of. Got it washed and blow dried ? new shampoo, mind, a gift from Pubistan.BUFFALO: Jeepers. Not the one with the?BIRD: Rabbit scrotum. Yep.BUFFALO: And?BIRD: The itching?s stopped but I can?t remember where I left the car, and I have a humungous craving for lettuce.BUFFALO: Not good, Birdy. Not good.BIRD: Just wo...
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REASONS TO BE FEARFUL PART 2
2006-12-19 16:35:06
BIRD: Couldn't sleep last night. Woke up at 11am, tired, irritable, woozy. Haven't been sleeping at all well lately.BUFFALO: A-ha.BIRD: Diagnosis, pliz.BUFFALO: Well, dude, it could be... holiday depression, ennui, winter, the bloody weather, terror-asses, diesel fumes, Bush, cheap Beaujolais, lackanooky, bleeding gums, Gummy Bears, Grizzly Bears, unbearable blather from the media, serial killers, killer bees, Aunt Bee, Samantha Bee, Vitamin B deficiency, deficit spending, bad endings, bad derrieres, dairy products, ducks, geese, lend lease options, estate agents ("Kill an estate agent today, and build a better tomorrow..."), secret agents, M, Moneypenny, no money, no honey, no lovin' spoonful of medicine sans sugar baby ruth, the Bible, Martin Luther, Lutherans, Jehovah's Witnesses, missionaries, Mormons, Mermen, Mermaids, Molly Maids, Minute Maid, Made in China, plate, mate, rhyming slang, sliming rangs, bangs, banks, tanks for the mammaries, things that have gone tits up, cat...
More About: Reason , Fear , Reasons , Part , Fearful

THE MOST PECULIAR CASE OF SHERLOCK HOLMES & THE FLAMING YARB
2006-12-19 04:34:02
BUFFALO: Dude?BIRD: Yes, dude?BUFFALO: (taps fingers) Feeling a bit surplus, like, wot with Holmes & Watson. Think it'll last much longer?BIRD: Could run and run. They've got a heck of a number of cases to solve.BUFFALO: But but but but nobody seems interested in us any more.BIRD: It's just till Chrimbo, dude. Hold on to your Freddy.BUFFALO: Well, if you say so. So what case are they on today?BIRD: Yarbles, dude.BUFFALO: Yikes!BIRD: So sit back, pour yerself a drink and enjoy...HOLMES: Watson.WATSON: Yes, Holmes?HOLMES: Can you smell burning?WATSON: Indeed I can, Holmes, and I can smell my bum, too, if I'm so inclined, though I rarely am. What exactly are you driving at?HOLMES: I can smell something burning, you silly quack.WATSON: Oh, I see. . . ah, I think I have it. It's that damnable Balkan Sobranie shag that's smoldering in your Meerschaum, in your jacket pocket. I do believe you've set yourself on fire again, Holmes.HOLMES: Great Caesars' ghost, you're right! I'm...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Sherlock , Case , Flaming , Most

SHERLOCK HOLMES & THE FINAL MOO
2006-12-18 04:33:01
HOLMES: Is that you, Watson?WATSON: No, Holmes, it's an exploding cow.HOLMES: An exploding cow? Explain yourself, my good man.WATSON: Well, apparently, sometimes an unfortunate bovine fails to expel the wind, so to speak, and it goes the other way. The resulting pressure builds at an alarming rate and in a matter of seconds ker-bang - one more self-combusting bovine fatality.HOLMES: Hmm, most curious. I have always felt that something should be done about the cow's inexplicable fondness for emitting methane. It is only a matter of time before the criminal element within our midst exploits this curiosity to their own ends and begins to plant extra flatulent bovines outside banks and such places in order to benefit from the resulting explosions.WATSON: You mean, use poor old daisy as a bovine bomb, Holmes?HOLMES: Precisely. Indeed, it is not beyond the realms of Victorian fantasy to countenance the possibility that Professor Moriarty is doing exactly that. Tell me, Watty Poos, how m...
More About: Sherlock Holmes , Sherlock , Final , Lock , Fina

THE SAD TAIL OF HOLMES & THE MINCE PIES & THE MISSING EGO
2006-12-14 16:30:04
WATSON: I say Holmes, are you all right?HOLMES: (groans) Not really, Watson. I rather pigged out on the mince pies and sherry, I fear.WATSON: Pukus vulgaris in extremis?HOLMES: It would appear thus.WATSON: Coupled with squidgylitis acuterus?HOLMES: Indeed, my Hippocratic old chum.WATSON: I did try to warn you.HOLMES: For once, Watty, I must bow to your superior knowledge. Hand me that volume of Dr. Fraud's Extraordinary Tail s, will you, old bean?WATSON: Certainly, Holmes, but I fail to see how reading that will solve your present predicament.HOLMES: (clutches stomach) It won't, but it may just explain what happened to the Walter Egos.WATSON: Incredible. There you are, bent double, dried Vindaloo spattered all over your chops, emissions from both orifices, yet still you possess the unquenchable thirst to solve Scotland Yard's outstanding cases and make Dear Albion a safer place for people to live in. I tell you, Holmes, I take my hat off to you.HOLMES: Good thinking, Watson. Now h...
More About: Miss , Sing , Missing , Pies

'TWAS DENIED AFORE CRISPNESS
2006-12-13 04:28:03
HOLMES: Pass me another mince pie, will you, old chap?WATSON: Holmes, you've had enough. You'll make yourself sick.HOLMES: That is precisely what I intend to do. Ah, sweet Cris pness, devourer of the soul.WATSON: Have you been at the bagpipes again?HOLMES: Reminds me of an ode dear mama used to whisper to me in the cradle...?Twas denied before Crispness, when all threw the cows,Nada teacher wistering, nod Eve an? her spouse;Stockard Channing hungover by the chutney with care,Imhotep, Jack Nicklaus, three-wood, beware!The chitlins were Nestléd all smug thoroughbreds,Vile divisions of sugar Tums danced inner Keds;Aunt Jemima in her 'kerchief, an eyeball, nightcap,Add Jews, settled down furlong winner snap.Winnowed on the lawn, dare a rose, cinch a Hatter,Eye strain frump the bed deceit who?s the madder;A whey to the widow I flu-like, hot flash,Drew Carey the shudders and threw up the hash.Vic Damone over Brest, on the Newfoundland snow,Gave the bluster of mid-wives to rejects belo...
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THE MYSTERIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING VOICE, THE COKE & THE BRI
2006-12-12 04:27:02
BIRD: I say, Buffers, it?s been awfully quiet your end. Are you still with us?BUFFALO: More or less, Birdy. I?ve lost me bloody voice, like.BIRD: Ah, that would explain your recent abstinence, then. Are you looking for it?BUFFALO: Huh?BIRD: Your voice.BUFFALO: Yeah, but I?ve given up. Guess it?ll turn up when I least expect it.BIRD: Sounds like a case for Baker Street?s very own Sherlock Holmes.BUFFALO: Ironic that you mention Holmes, Birdman. While searching for my voice I happened upon a lost Sherlock Holmes episode, in Watson?s handwriting.BIRD: You?ve having me on, shortly!BUFFALO: No, I swear it on a stack of Sparky's Toe Jam flapjacks. Wanna hear it?BIRD: Regale us, Buff, do.BUFFALO: Okay, here goes. By the way, I?m sipping Earl Grey tea with lemon and sugar.BIRD: Sugar? An abomination, Buff. Wash your mouth out with a Britney.BUFFALO: Yeah, whatever. Grab yer ankles, here it comes?WATSON: Holmes, we must speak.HOLMES: Not now, Watson. Good God, man, can?t you see that I?m in...
More About: Voice , Miss , Mysterious , Case , Sing

POSTSCRIPT ERUPTUM
2006-12-12 04:27:02
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Is your left arm hairier than your right?HOLMES: Have you been at the baking powder again, Watty, old boy?WATSON: You didn't slip any of that crackling Coke into my Horlicks last night perchance?HOLMES: It's CRACK cocaine, old bean, and no, there's only enough to go round for one of us, and t'would be wasted on a mere mortal such as your good self.WATSON: (pokes tongue out) See anything suspicious on my tongue, Holmes?HOLMES: Not a jolt, just the leftovers from Mrs Hudson's delectable Vindaloo. Now are you going to check my prostate or not?WATSON: Do you think it's wise? You know what happened last time.HOLMES: Well if you will insist on tweaking the old blighter, one can only expect Freddy to pop his cork.WATSON: And you're quite sure you don't harbour any somewhat wayward inklings towards my person, Holmes?HOLMES: Oh, Wat poopers, you really are a peculiar man of the stethoscope. I reiterate, I gave all that up at med sch...
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SEX, BRITNEY & DIGITAPE
2006-12-09 04:25:02
COUNTDOWN TO GLOBAL ORGASM:14 days, 20 hours, 1 minute.BIRD: Just been to the doc?s for a checkup, like.BUFFALO: Better to be safe than sorry, dude. And?BIRD: AOK, Buffters. Though there was a definite ping in the prostate.BUFFALO: Tee-hee. Run Podcast.BIRD: How?s the practising for the shagathon for peace, pliz, going?BUFFALO: Like a dream. Stronger for longer, for when more is MUCH more.BIRD: That?s my Buff! And Sparkers?BUFFALO: Ah, well, he?s having trouble breaking away from Otto Fellatio, like. And he will insist on having low blood sugar incidents.BIRD: Xplain, pliz, Lucy.BUFFALO: Last night, the poor diabetic idjit was flopping about in his bedroom like a salmon out of water, and was totally fookin' bananas, laffing his head off, refusing to drink orange juice, spitting it out all over himself. To persuade him to drink OJ I had to tell him that Fifi was waiting in the living room to see him, see-through negligee in tow. Pitiful. I thought about wearing a blonde wig and high...
More About: Britney , Digi

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZ
2006-12-06 04:23:05
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR ? SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZDATE: 22nd DECEMBERVENUE: WHEREVER YOU FANCY, ALTHOUGH CHECK IT OUT FIRST WITH YER LOCAL FUZZTIME: FROM MORNING TILL NIGHTAIM: AS BEST AS POSSIBLEGOAL: SCORE AS MANY AS POSSIBLEOBJECTIVE: TO BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE, PLIZTO BE ACHIEVED BY: EVERYONE FORNICATING LIKE SEA OTTERS ON THE AFOREMENTIONED DATEGLOBALORGASM.ORG MISSION STATEMENT, EXTRACTED:?The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.?SIGN UP HERE: http://www.globalorgasm.org/BIRD: So, dude, you up for it?BUFFALO: Uh, yahh-p. Gotta practise beforehand, like. Dat Viagra?s sure gonna c...
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THE MUSWELL HILL FREE THINKERS' ASSOCIATION CHRISTMAS DINNER
2006-12-06 04:23:05
EVERY YEAR IT'S THE SAME AND EVERY YEAR SOMEHOW OR OTHER A SOLUTION IS FOUND TO THE EXTREMELY COMPLICATED MATTER OF THE CHRISTMAS DINNERWARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS ARE ACTUAL EVENTS. FOR AESTHETIC REASONS, IDENTITIES HAVE BEEN ALTERED OR DISFIGURED.THE MUSWELL HILL FREE THINKERS' ASSOCIATION MEETS EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY, OR NOT, AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION TO DISCUSS THE MORE WEIGHTY PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS OF THE DAY AND TO CONSUME VAST AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL. IF YOU STUMBLE UPON THIS GROUPING IN A PUB NEAR YOU, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THEM IN MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONHAPPY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!DANTON: The season of non yo ho ho is pressing fast on us. If we can avoid the turkey fest and equivalents, can we not be convivial with some 'meat' as well as drink? That is moderately priced.THE PROF That veggie Indian on Chapel Market, Islington - was it OK, and worth going to?JERRY: Can I put in a competitive bid for the India Club, next to Waterloo Bridge, also reasonable...
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QUESTIONNAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE
2006-12-02 16:21:50
THE BIRD & BUFFALO WISH TO EXTEND THEIR SINCERE THANKS TO THE MEMOIRS OF A STONER AT http://memoirsofastoner.blogspot.com/FOR PROVIDING THIS MOST ENRAPTULATING YET ULTIMATELY HUMILIATING AUTOMATED QUESTIONNAIRE.BIRD: It says here once you press the button, answer the automated questions fairly and squarely in real time. If you try to pause the recording, you will, and I quote, ?be erased from the cyberspace automated database FOREVER?.BUFFALO: Wow.BIRD: Y?all ready for this?BUFFALO: Yahh-p.BIRD: Remember, we gotta be quick, coz we?re both answering at the same time.BUFFALO: And once we?ve done this, we?ll get 1,000 smackeroos plus a top 100 Technorati listing and unlimited publicity for the remainder of our pitiful yet prodigious creative lives?BIRD: Indeed.BUFFALO: OK. Run Podcast!AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Gender?BUFFALO: 100% alpha male. Honorary member of the World Permanent Woody Society. Macho. Masculine. Hairy.BIRD: Predominantly male with feminine ways.AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Sexua...
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YouTube Puff Pastry Pudding
2006-12-02 16:21:50
PARENTAL DERISORYBUFFALO: Oh, Birdy, the puff pastry pudding that tastes of Nectar of the Goddess working its way to the peak of Mount Climax! Divine. If only I hadn't popped me cork at the most inopportune of moments.BIRD: Happens to the best of us. Still the most popular vid on YouTube , like.BUFFALO: Whattttt?!BIRD: Anyhoo, many thanks to Cheddar X for this 7 Me-Me. Ready, Buff?BUFFALO: You sent that jpeg file to YouTube?!! Dammit, dude, that?s poisonal. Between you, me and the Mons Venus!BIRD: Later, dude. You?ll thank me for it. Trust me. Now, your starter for ten: where do you see your age?BUFFALO: Um... uh... on me nips, mostly. They?re not as hard as they used to be, but hey, I ain?t had no complaints so far.BIRD: Where do you feel your age?BUFFALO: In the bed, on the sofa, in the car, just about wherever I can lay my hands on it.BIRD: Where do you hear your age?BUFFALO: In the ever flowing stream at the bottom of the road. In the birdsong outside my window. In th...
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SECOND LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS
2006-12-02 16:21:50
SPARKY: Buff, I?ve been born again in time for Christ mas !BUFFALO: Wassat, dude?SPARKY: Got a new bladder, man.BUFFALO: Ya wot?SPARKY: Least it feels like a new bladder. Only cost five dollars too.BUFFALO: Are you yanking my chain, Sparkers, old boy?SPARKY: Got it from a guy called Terry, down at the Zoo, man.BUFFALO: OK, wait. Start from the top. Got wot from wot Terry?SPARKY: A bladder enlargement kit. No more interrupted sleep and hours on the john waiting for the trickle to end.BUFFALO: Gimme that. Dude, it?s a fookin? straw with Vaseline on it!SPARKY: Yeah, well, whatever. Point is I feel a new man, man. Been timing meself. Got it down to 30 seconds, door to door.BUFFALO: You jerk-berk, you?ll be lucky if yer Freddy doesn?t fall off. Hop in the car, we?re takin? you to the hospital.SPARKY: Hey, man, stay out of it. If I want my Freddy to fall off, it?s my choice. Just as long as I get to drain the reservoir at one sitting.BUFFALO: Oh, Jeez. Dude, a guy without a Fred...
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THANKSGIVING & TAKING - REDUX BLUES
2006-12-02 16:21:50
POLITICAL ADVERSARIALEVEN MORE IMPORTANT NOTICE: NO INJUNS WOZ KILLED IN THE RECORDING OF THIS SKETCH. SOME DIED, BUT FRANK LEE, IT AIN'T OUR FAULT IF THEY CAN'T TAKE THEIR TOE JAMBIRD: Thanksgiving ? What's all that about, then? BUFFALO: It?s something we do on the third Thursday of every November, a national holiday, like. We give thanks for everything that we have. BIRD: For everything? BUFFALO: Ja, Mein Hair, for all the good things that we took away from the Indians. BIRD: You?re still pestering the Indians over there then? BUFFALO: Well, not me personally, dude, seeing as how I?m one sixteenth Choctaw, and right proud of it, too. BIRD: So, who?s doing all the pestering, then? BUFFALO: The Pilgrims, dude. That bunch that sailed here from Plymouth, England, back in 1620 and landed on Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts. BIRD: Plymouth Rock? Good Lord, what are the chances of that? BUFFALO: Aye, the Pilgrims immediately saw the divine hand of Providence in that, you betcha. BIRD: ...
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MORIBUND WITH A PADDLE
2006-12-02 16:21:50
OTTO FELLATIO: You are a friend of Birdy, yes?POTTY DOTTY: Yes.OTTO FELLATIO: You've been feeling moribund lately.POTTY DOTTY: I beg your pardon?OTTO FELLATIO: Stagnant, without force or vitality.POTTY DOTTY: Well, yes.OTTO FELLATIO: Awkward in the company of strangers.POTTY DOTTY: Yes.OTTO FELLATIO: Irritable for no reason.POTTY DOTTY: Yes!OTTO FELLATIO: And if I touch you?POTTY DOTTY: Oh my? wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!OTTO FELLATIO: I thought as much.POTTY DOTTY: Mmmmmm. Thank you.OTTO FELLATIO: And I if blow in your ear thus?POTTY DOTTY: Well, I? wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!OTTO FELLATIO: And you find yourself regularly erupting on public transport if a man brushes your shoulder?POTTY DOTTY: Well, yes. By the way, thank you again. (moans gently)OTTO FELLATIO: You?re the third case this week.POTTY DOTTY: Am I? Of what?OTTO FELLATIO: TPES.POTTY DOTTY: TPES?OTTO FELLATIO: Temporary Persistent Ejaculation Syndrome. The slightest touch from a member of the opposite sex will tri...
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