Tails From The Bird & Buffalo

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DISAMBIGUATION UNCLUTTERED
2006-12-02 16:21:50
BIRD: And Sparky's taken the antimatter into his own hands, you say?BUFFALO: In a manner of speaking, Birdman. I blame Otto Fellatio meself. Which rewinds me? I was thinking of Sparky's salad days, when he was still turning out lithographs and etchings, before his bride decided she preferred Mexican food to Belgian, like. BIRD: You've lost me past the chemist's, Buffo. BUFFALO: She discovered that she liked tacos better than blutwurst, Birdy. BIRD: Ah, I see? well, don't we all? BUFFALO: Well, certainly those of us whose buttons are sewn on the right sides of our shirts, if you get m?drift. BIRD: Tragic, that. Enuff to drive anyone to drink, n?est pas? Pray, continue. BUFFALO: Otto reminded me of one of Sparky's more demonstrative etchings, when he was still on an extended honeymoon, before he lost interest in hot-blooded femme. BIRD: Bit risque, is it? BUFFALO: Judge for yourself. It depicts a vivacious young lady in the buffers, reclining in the front seat of an automobile,...
More About: Clutter

THALLIUM & CHEESE SANDWICH
2006-12-02 16:21:50
BIRD: If you're offered one, dude, don't eat it.BUFFALO: Huh? Information, pliz, Lucy.BIRD: Someone's trying to destabilize the Pubes. Yesterday mawnin', the Commissar of Economic Endeavour of Pubistan on a fact-finding mission to the Royal Institute of Research into Enlarged Rabbits' Scrotums in Norfolk was offered a dodgy thallium and cheese sandwich. Luckily, Leonid Hazam Ripyorebollokov hates cheese and gave it to his assistant Dmitry Hazam Ripyorebollokov Jnr (no relation), who being of a sound scientific mind and well versed in dialectical materialism sent it to the Portland Down Atomic Research Institute for analysis.BUFFALO: Yikes! But why would anyone want to bump off Lenny Hairy Bollocks Missing or whatever his name is?BIRD: Speculation is rife. It could well be an attempt by the breakaway agitational grouping Bring Back King Bangatittyov XI. Apparent Lee, they've dispatched over 1,000 thallium and cheese sandwiches to Pubistan government figures and their suppor...
More About: Cheese , Alli , Sand , Hall , Allium

TODAY AND TODAY AND ALL OUR TOMORROWS
2006-12-02 16:21:50
FIFI: Did someone say rabbits? scrotums?BIRD: Er, yeah.FIFI: Reminds me of when I was back on the farm. Truly yummy.BUFFALO: You used to eat them?FIFI: Yup. With jam and bread.BIRD: Omigod! I thought they used them in adhesives.BUFFALO: And I thought they went straight to the Durex factory.FIFI: They're full of vitamins and nutrients. Used for all sorts of things. It?s all hush-hush now. I mean, kiddies would ditch the Corn Flakes in a flash if they knew rabbits? scrotums were in the mix, c?est vrai?BIRD: Jeez. Never mind the kiddies. I?m abstaining from now on.BUFFALO: Me too.FIFI: And as for the peanut butter?BIRD: Stop right there.BUFFALO: Yeah. We gotta eat, ain?t we? And I sure is hungry, for the old femme nectar, if you get m?drift.BIRD: Oo er.FIFI: A hot date in the offing, Buffo?BUFFALO: You betcha. Got the champers and whirring toys loaded. Liftoff at eleven.BIRD: You darty dawg.BUFFALO: Arf, arf! Laters.FIFI: Incorrigible.BIRD: Spreading a little happiness, ...
More About: Today , Tomorrow , Morrow , Tomo

PUBISTAN - THE BARE FACTS
2006-12-02 16:21:50
THIS JUST IN FROM THE COMMISSARIAT OF INFORMATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF PUBISTANCapital: Pube CityOfficial language: PubishCurrency: the PubeGovernment: People?s DemocracyPresident Boris Hazam RipyorebollokovArea: 21 234 km squaredPopulation: 605 (5.5 million prior to Glorious Revolution of 1905)(density) high (in spite of inspirational, futuristic educational reforms)GDP: 40 billion Pubes (1 pube = 5 million dollars, if lucky, on black market)Production: potatoes, rabbitsManufacture: tanks, machine-guns, fan belts for washing machinesTrade:Exports - rabbits? scrotumsImports ? ballistic missiles, submarines, uranium, Earl Grey teaHistory: currently being writtenGeography: hilly, infested with rabbit warrens reminiscent in appearance of good GorgonzolaDemographics: ethnic Pubes, very hairyEconomy: command economy, based on five-year plans and donations of serfs from mutually beneficial countriesCustoms: fondling and licking widespread and much appreciatedFive most famous Pube...
More About: Facts , Fact , Bare

BORAT AT ELEVEN
2006-12-02 16:21:50
BIRD: You OK there, dude?BUFFALO: I have just recently regained consciousness, dreams of sugar plums rudely interrupted and was th? k? ng at? my? be?BIRD: You?re breaking up, Buff.BUFFALO: Therefore I must whomp up some English Breakfast tea and artificially-flavored low sugar maple oatmeal (oh, yum), flog Igor, steam clean me gulliver, and try to kick-start me brain. Hold on, Birdman, the door.BIRD: Dum dum de dum?BUFFALO: That was Desmo from downstairs. It?s about the door knobs.BIRD: Eh?BUFFALO: They?ve replaced the door knobs on the door downstairs but now the lock?s gone.BIRD: Oh, arse!BUFFALO: Thus the multiple stabbing pile-up downstairs and the cops running amok. Just another typical day at the Carfax Arms.BIRD: Burnt Scheisseschlanger on a bike! Are you OK?BUFFALO: Dandy, me old fruit and nut. About the ode?BIRD: To Borat ?BUFFALO: It?ll have to wait. Got a hot date, ya know. Will tomorrow be OK?BIRD: Sure.BUFFALO: I may be having a reaction to the Ritalin? fluttering...
More About: Leven

BORAT ASYLUM REQUEST GRANTED
2006-12-02 16:21:50
FEARFUL FOR BORAT SAGDIYEV'S LIFE, WE DECIDED TO RING AROUND A FEW FRIENDS AND SEE WHAT COULD BE DONE. AFTER AN AMIABLE CHAT OVER TEA & BUNS WITH AN INTERMEDIARY NAMED BUGGERAT AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT WAS ISSUED.A PUBLIC STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF PUBISTAN, BORIS HAZAM RIPYOREBOLLOKOV, UNABRIDGED"Comrades, engineers, scientists, workers, and serfs!Long live the glorious democratic revolution of 1905 in our fair country of Pubistan. I have interrupted detailed negotiations with the Pubitburo for the forthcoming five-year plan to make a grave and most important announcement. It has come to the attention of the commissariatat of Foreign Affairs that the mutually unfriendly republic of Kazakhstan has, in spite of numerous reassurances and the signing of internationally verifiable agreements, and also in spite of the resounding success of the greatest political agitational film ever in the turbulent history of the people's cin...
More About: Borat , Rant , Request , Quest , Grant

BORAT LOVES SEX PLUS THE BUFFALO 5-MIN... 60-SEC INTERVIEW
2006-12-02 16:21:50
PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS INTERVIEW WAS INTERRUPTED SEVERAL TIMES DUE TO GERRY ARSHCLICKER FEELING HE COULDN'T GO ON & THE AULD BUFFALO FEELING HE COULDN'T GET IT UP. ALL REFERENCES TO ARTICULATED NIPPLES & DAYLIGHT ROGERING HAVE BEEN REMOVED PENDING A LEGAL JUDGEMENT BUT HOPEFULLY WILL BE RESTORED FOR THE MIDDLE PAGE SPREAD IN THE JANUARY ISSUE OF PROFANITY FAIR BORAT LOVES SEX. WE SUPPORT BORAT!GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Welcome back, Mr. Buffalo . First question: who are you?BUFFALO: I?m the original Belgian-American Indian Shaman with a permanent woody. I?m two-thirds alligator, three-quarters bear, and one half Lion of Flanders and Mannike Piss rolled up into a party size spliff that would make Bob Marley spin in his grave. I?m the craziest, orneriest, horniest, and thirstiest sumbitch ever to come down the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and I?ll kick the biscuits and sausage gravy out of any motherin? mugwump who says I ain?t.GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Good grief. All right then, what do you write? BUFF...
More About: Love , Borat , Inter , Interview

GROVELLING APOLOGY, MR PITIFUL MOTOWN, JEREMY 5-MINUTE INTER
2006-12-02 16:21:50
DUE TO LEGAL ISSUES, WE REGRET WE CANNOT YET BRING YOU THE BUFFALO'S 5-MINUTE... ER 60-SECOND INTERVIEW. INSTEAD, AT NO EXTRA COST, WE PRESENT TO YOU THE CONCLUDING PART OF JEREMY HOOPLA/HOOFER/HOFTA/WHATEVER YER REAL NAME IS'S ENTHRALLING SHORT STORY THE DIARY OF MR PITIFUL MOTOWN PLUS A 5-MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR CONDUCTED AT VERY SHORT NOTICE BY GERRY ARSCHLICKERGERRY ARSCHLICKER: Jeremy , welcome to the show, blog, whatever. Let's now hear the rip-roaring ending of your short story then talk afterwards.JEREMY: Ja. And I read... "They went in car. Adam groped on the shoulder. Clara kissed on the cheek. "There terminates a straight designated course of rediscovery of your body after some time, you know?" He groped. "I leave more apple and brombeere, with Himbeeresorbet zerbroeckeln." Stan turned the key in the ignition. "Bite once, shy twice, Himmel." "Don't forget the geduenstetes chicken with Korianderroulade," she said, "you did not become." "Ooo, why you do this me?...
More About: Inter , Moto , Remy , Town

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZ
2006-12-02 16:21:50
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR ? SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZDATE: 22nd DECEMBERVENUE: WHEREVER YOU FANCY, ALTHOUGH CHECK IT OUT FIRST WITH YER LOCAL FUZZTIME: FROM MORNING TILL NIGHTAIM: AS BEST AS POSSIBLEGOAL: SCORE AS MANY AS POSSIBLEOBJECTIVE: TO BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE, PLIZTO BE ACHIEVED BY: EVERYONE FORNICATING LIKE SEA OTTERS ON THE AFOREMENTIONED DATEGLOBALORGASM.ORG MISSION STATEMENT, EXTRACTED:?The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.?SIGN UP HERE: http://www.globalorgasm.org/BIRD: So, dude, you up for it?BUFFALO: Uh, yahh-p. Gotta practise beforehand, like. Dat Viagra?s sure gonna c...
More About: Peace , Love , War , Make

BORAT THE MOVIE - A SURVIVOR'S ACCOUNT
2006-12-02 16:21:50
PARENTAL ADVISORY: FOR GROWN-UPS ONLY. EVEN WITH THE BLEEPS, THIS PIECE IS CLASSIFIED BY THE CIA AS RIVETING/COMPULSIVE. NOT, HOWEVER, RECOMMENDED FOR THOSE SUFFERING FROM SHY BLADDER SYNDROME OR BASHFUL BOWEL SYNDROME. FOR THE FULL ACCOUNT OF WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, LOOK OUT FOR THE JANUARY ISSUE OF PROFANITY FAIRCONTACT THE TRAUMATIZED BY THE SCENE IN BORAT WITH THE MASSIVE BUTT HELPLINE ON 000 000 000 000 001 NOW. ALL CALLS WILL BE TREATED IN STRICT CONFIDENCE BUT ALL CALLS WILL BE CHARGED.BORAT LOVES SEX. WE SUPPORT BORAT!BIRD: Borat the movie was hilarious. Kept going that little bit further than other films would have. Extreme, grotesque, touching, biting satire. A true work of genius. Oh hum. I especially loved the scene in which Borat BLEEP-BLEEPS his own mother in her flabby, flaccid BLEEP with a rubber BLEEP on a stick, then gives the BLEEP-covered BLEEP-stick to his retarded brother and tells him it's a chocolate-covered bunny, then rolls on the ground laughing whil...
More About: Movie , Survivor , The Movie , Count