Tails From The Bird & BuffaloTails From The Bird & BuffaloOff the wall adult humour for those struggling with existential dread as The Bird & Buffalo are. 
Articles
D-D-D-D-D-DEATH AND THE SPIDER
2009-03-28 18:09:00 BIRD: Awfully quiet in here, Buffers, what's going on in the old melon, like?BUFF: Thinking about D-D-D-D-D-Death , Birdy.BIRD: Blimey, bit gruesome, innit?BUFF: Not at all. We don't think about it enough. It's always out there, y'know, lurking about, waiting.BIRD: Maybe so, but why dwell on it?BUFF: Don't you ever feel it? Creeping around you, waiting to tap you on the shoulder?BIRD: Fook no, you morbid sod. You've not gone off your sweeties again, have you?BUFF: No. It's just that there's been a lot of shit and death around here lately, as Bukowski would say.BIRD: Spider s in the tub again? Screaming girlfriends? Overflowing bog? Broken broomsticks and all?BUFF: Eggs Zacklee. It wears on the nerves, like. Don't like killing spiders, but when they're in your face, what can a bloke do?BIRD: In your face? Not literally?BUFF: Well, I woke up the other night with a big fat one dangling right over me honker.BIRD: Holy shit, Batman, did you soil yourself?BUFF: Close, but no cigar...
PROFESSOR BUFFTAMELLA AND THE OFFER YOU CAN'T INFUSE!
2009-03-25 14:27:00 PROFESSOR BUFFTAMELLA NOW OFFERS YOU LIVE FROM HIS PSYCHIC PSEUDIO A PALM, CRYSTAL BALL AND LOVE BALL READING. NOW THERE IS MORE BUFF POWER AVAILABLE TO YOU THAN EVER HOSE-ABLE WITH GROG'S GREAT WITS-DOM AND INCREDIBLE PUMPING POWER.THE PROFESSOR CAN DESTROY LIGHT, DARKNESS, SORROW, AND EVIL WAITRESSES WITH GROG'S AMAZING ALNIGHTLY POWER. HE CAN TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR PALS' AND ENEMIES' DONGERS BY NAME. HE CAN ENRICH YOU WITH EXCESS, ECSTATICNESS, LURVE, STEALTH, AND PEACE OF ASS.THE PROFESSOR HAS SUCCEEDED WHERE ALL OTHER DRUGS HAVE FAILED AND HAS WITNESSED MANY MIRACLES WHILST IN THE CLOSE PROXIMITY OF UDDERS. AND NOW YOU...1.1% GUARANTEED SATISFACTION OR YOUR LIFE MADE NO WORSE THAN THE RAT'S ASS FOR A DOG'S DINNER THAN IT IS AT PRESENT. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? TO MAKE YOURSELF DINNER AND OTHER INTERDIMENSIONAL BAGS OF LOWLIFES, E-MAIL NOW!Psychicguff4Ustoopid!@SpamoftheCentur y.comArf, arf! More About: Offer
MORE PROBLEMS WITH DA REAR THAN YOU CAN WAVE A STICK AT
2009-03-21 13:00:00 Woke up this morning to find... a wrinkled bottom. Now how did THAT get there? So I googled it. And that's when I realised... there are a lot of people who let their arse go. Or is it ass? I'm never sure. Except I know I have one and I know it's wrinkled. And it wasn't the last time I looked. But one interesting fact I did pick up from an online message board - or is it forum? - is that it is a common complaint among nuns. And chief executives. Wrinkled bottom. Not even Wikipedia dares to include an entry but on present estimates 1.2 BILLION... let me say that again, 1.2 BILLION people worldwide suffer from it and the medical profession hasn't got a fecking clue where it comes from or what to do about it. Try all the creams you like. Consult your local plastic surgeon. See a faith healer even. Nothing but nothing works. And here's the worst thing about it. It gets worse. Yes. That's right. It doesn't stay a little wrinkled. It gets more and more wrinkled u... More About: Problems , Rear , Stick , Wave
WHEN ORANGE JUICE JUST AIN'T ENUFF
2009-02-19 14:49:00 I WOKE UP IN A COLD SWEAT. SOMETHING INSIDE ME WAS DYING.I wrote that in a more lucid moment as I recalled the last bath I had. Baths are no longer in fashion.I WROTE THAT AS I GAZED AT MY NAVEL WHILST WAITING FOR MY LUNCH TO GET NUKED IN THE MICROWAVEBut orange juice. Be it thick or thin. Or a smoothie even. It's never enough for a growing boy.THERE'S AN ACHE IN MY HEART. THAT CERTAIN SOMETHING IS STILL DYING.Now I wrote THAT this afternoon. And then only because the tulips downstairs popped their heads out to say hello.DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GERMS ARE OUT THERE MOUNTING ATTACKS ON THIS THING WE CALL A BODY?Well, that's pretty obvious. I wrote that just now as I scratched another festering boil.WHERE'S THIS ALL LEADING TO? GIMME SOME GAGS. DON'T FECK ME OFF WITH YOUR INNERMOST REFLECTIONS ON TIME PAST AND EXPERIENCE DISSECTEDOK, well, if you come across a man with a gay dog on cocaine, think yourself lucky.WHAT THE FECK DOES THAT MEAN? IS IT SOME SORT OF CODE?Just so,... More About: Orange , Juice
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S MESSAGE TO THE B&B
2009-02-06 14:15:00 LAST NITE, THE RIGHT VENERABLE PREZ BARRY OBAMA SENT A POISONAL MESSAGE TO DA BIRD & BUFF & ALL WHO SAIL IN DIS EAR BLOG. HE BROKE OFF FROM A HIGHLY IMPORTANT BREKKIE WID DA TONY BLAIR DUDE TO DELIVER THIS HEARTFELT TRIBUTE TO THE GREATEST COMEDY DOUBLE ACT TO NEVER BREAK WIND AFTER A TIN OF BUFFALO ROAD APPLES:CITIZENS OF THE WORLD, CAN WE GIVE THE BIRD & BUFFALO THE RECOGNITION THEY TRULY DESERVE FOR EVERYTHING THEY HAVE DONE TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE? YES, WE CAN.CAN WE TRULY APPRECIATE THE SACRIFICES THE BIRD & BUFFALO HAVE MADE AND CONTINUE TO MAKE IN THE SERVICES OF GLOBAL HUMOUR AND CONSENSUAL HUMILIATION? YES, WE CAN.CAN WE LOOK THEM BOTH HUMBLY IN THE EYE AND APOLOGISE FOR ALL OUR SHORTCOMINGS WHEN WE FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THE SUBTLE GENIUS OF THEIR GOLDEN UTTERANCES ON THE GREATEST BLOG THAT EVER LIVED? YES, WE CAN.CAN WE, AS NATIONS, REGIONS, CITIES, TOWNS, RURAL AREAS, RAMSHACKLE SHEDS AND INDIVIDUALS WORK TOGETHER WITH THE BIRD & BUFFALO, IN SPI... More About: President , Message
WITTER TWITTER & BUFFALO APPLES
2009-02-05 14:27:00 YOU MAY HAVE BEEN WONDERING WHERE WE'VE BEEN ALL THIS TIME. WELL, TO FESS UP, WE'VE BEEN ON DA TWITTER, LIKE. BUT FRANK LEE, WE'VE HAD ALL THE IN-UR-EN-DO A BIRD & BUFF CAN TAKE. "AND I THOUGHT DOGGING WAS TEACHING YER DOG NEW TRICKS!" AND ALL THAT BLA.WELL, FECKS, WE MEAN FOLKS, WE'RE BACK, BLEANER THAN EVER. AND WE'VE GOT SUMFINK TO GET YER TEETH INTO... AT A PRICE.BUFFALO APPLES IZ DA BEST, WITH ADDED INGRATIENTS FOR XTRA FIZZ WHILE YA WHIZZ.FOR MORE INFERNO ON HOW TO ODOUR, CONTRACT US NOW:birdandbuffalo@hotmail.comBUFFALO APPLES - WHEN A STROLL AND A ROLL JUST AIN'T ENUFF! COMING SOON... BUFFALO BING CHERRIES TO ADORN ANY SUMPTUOUS BALCONY! ARF, ARF! More About: Buffalo , Apples , Twitter
THE WHITECHAPEL CAPER - PART 1
2008-12-09 11:35:00 DUE TO ARTISTIC INFERENCES AND OTHER ANIMALS, THE AULD BIRD & BUFF HAVE BEEN ON A HIATUS HERNIA BUT NOW WE'RE BACK WITH THE SHERLOCK HOLMES CASE CONAN DOYLE NEVER DARED TO PRINT.WARNING: FOR ALL THOSE WITH NUT ALLERGIES, LOOK AWAY NOWWATSON: Good Lord, Holmes, have you read the Times this morning? There?s been a grisly murder in Whitechapel. Apparently some blighter has carved up a strumpet like a prize hog.HOLMES: What? It actually says that?WATSON: Poetic licence, Holmes, but that?s the gist of it. Nasty business, that.HOLMES: Indeed. No doubt we?ll we hearing from that imbecile Inspector Lestrade at any moment.WATSON: Dunno, Holmes, says here that Lestrade?s practically solved the case already. He?s confident that it?s the work of a Jewish butcher.HOLMES: Absurd. No self-respecting boucher of the Hebrew persuasion would do such a thing. It?s not Kosher.WATSON: I?m inclined to agree, but Lestrade thinks the fellow is a lunatic. One of the victim?s kidneys is missing, and a bi... More About: Part
BIRD & BUFFALO WIN NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE
2008-10-14 15:36:00 IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE BY THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER WHEN IT COMES TO THE WRITTEN WURST...TURD, SORRY, WORD, THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE HAS ALMOST BEEN AWARDED TO THE BIRD & BUFFALO. HERE ARE THE REASONS WHY THE JUDGES CHANGED THEIR COLLECTIVE SPLIT MIND AT THE LAST MINUTE:1. Judge Klaus Von Schtikiarschen had to declare a precarious connection to the auld Buff. Apparent Lee, he laid a certain Cindy Spreadumwider shortly after the auld Buff did. Buff's name was subsequently mentioned by the harlot to him as a possible future literary genius in a postcoital Scrabble game.2. No-one with above average sized testicles has EVER been awarded this prize. The Bird & Buffalo BOTH have scientifically-verified larger than life balls.3. The book submitted on behalf of the Bird & Buffalo by an anonymous admirer entitled FEK-U: THE COLLECTED WORKS OF BIRD & BUFFALO DURING THE SPLODGE WARS - 2001-PRESENT was considered to be so devoid of any real meaning - roughly 98.... More About: Literature , Nobel , Nobel Prize
SARAH PALIN IN TEN SECONDS
2008-10-13 14:28:00 Today, we turn our quandaries to Sarah Palin. Yes, mons amiss, it is time to get poetical.SARAH PALIN is hot BUT...she is not...worthy.The auld Buff devoted a poem to this very subject but ten seconds ago.It's calledSARAH PALIN IN TEN SECONDSOSarahIn ten secondsNoMake that fiveNoTwoNoOneBe goneDiaphoreticStrumpet More About: Seconds
OF PROBITY AND UDDER BLUNDERS
2008-10-07 14:37:00 BUFFALO: The udder day, my head doc Maxine said, "You know, Buff, I'm not sure who's probing who here any more." So I said... "Shouldn't that be whom." A cheap shot, I know, but hey, it's not every day Maxine probes so deep. Oooh la la.
THE CRUSTYCOK SCANDAL AND OTHER FLAKERIES
2008-10-05 14:35:00 BIRD: Dude, you'll have to say something sooner or later.BUFFALO: What's the point?BIRD: So Hollywoody nicked your idea. Get over it.BUFFALO: But instead of my name in big lights it'll be Norman Crustykok. It took me 30 years to come up with that gem. And they stole it, dude. Ripped me off as if I was a log chopper at Stuckey's. Fookin' fookers.BIRD: But it was hardly an original idea, wazzit? I mean, a film within a film within an ice cream. It's been done before, innit.BUFFALO: You mean, Fellini?BIRD: Nah, Crinkletit. Back in the '50s.BUFFALO: Yeah. The Flying Cone From Rectal Levity. Starring Charles Batty. It was never released, remember?BIRD: Maybe not, but it was reworked and remade as The Way We Were.BUFFALO: That's bullshit and you know it. For a start, where was the ice cream?BIRD: As a metaphor, it didn't cut it, so they cut it.BUFFALO: And where was Big Tim Dangling, the guy who couldn't go to the bank without pissing his pants?BIRD: He was a minor ... More About: Scandal
A BLOG WITHIN A BLOG, OR IZZIT THE?
2008-09-02 15:52:00 BIRD: Dude, I've got an idea for a blog within a blog.BUFFALO: I'm all ears.BIRD: It's about this poor fookwad who's got bipolar disorder, sleep apnea and narcolepsy, right? He's coming off two weeks of Horrormania and is as depressed and suicidal as dried shit on a potting stick. You know, seriously fugged up, like.BUFFALO: Hold the jiminy, Roger. I've got all those things, innit?BIRD: Blimey, so you have! But this guy is a fictional character.BUFFALO: But I know this guy. Fook, I AM this guy. I should write his dialogue. Lemme write his dialogue. I'll portray him in the film too. But only online. Those movie fuggsters are way too fond of early starts.BIRD: Wizard. It'll be authentic, like, woenit?BUFFALO: Fook the Casbah, Nigel. Now, what we've gotta decide is, does this poor shitfook loosely based on this here poor shitfook dribbling here before you live or die?BIRD: Well, he can live till he dies, like. Long as you're still breathing, the dialogue'll be flowing like c... More About: Blog
IFFY - INLAND EMPIRE REVISITED
2008-08-28 08:32:00 Computer. Monitor. Satellite receiver. Desk. Microphone. TV. Lights. Tape. Handle. Paper. Remote control. Bin. Plastic cup. Speaker. Headphones. Chair. Jacket. Bag. Pen. Clock. Poster. Thermostat. Coat hanger. Mouse. Carpet. Blinds. Grille. Cable. Book. Memory stick. Door. Iffy. More About: Empire , Inland Empire
THE END OF THE NITE SHIFT... ISH
2008-08-13 00:44:00 BIRD: Got my sleeping bag and the whisky and the spliffs. I?ll claim back the expenses, natch. I was gonna raid the cookie jar over by booth 21 but all the best biccies have gone. Bloody editorial! Greedy buggers. Bunch of shite buckets. For some reason, they leave the ginger biscuits behind, even though ginger is supposed to stop you having heart attacks. Fookin? racists. When I look at a ginger biscuit, I see a thing of beauty. When they look at it, all they see is something that's the WRONG colour. Bastids. How soon can I escape? Well, my pal says I can go now? ish. Wonder what?s going on at the Olympics. Team GB?s doing OK but ladies fooked up the archery and the men fooked up too. Felt doozy just now. As if I?d sniffed the dishwasher. Which of course I wouldn?t, cos she?s too nice to be subjected to such inhumanity. But spanking?s not out of bounds. At a price. Stuff this. I?m outta here. Ish. More About: Shift
RAZOR BLADDER
2008-07-30 12:50:00 BUFFALO: Muddily bloodily indomitably irrevocably presumably imperceptibly exponentially existentially verily merrily quite contrarily incredibly sparingly artificially incomprehensibly intoxicatingly lonely and...When the senator known as BarackGave a speech from the back of a yakThough try as he mightThe yak was so tightThat his speech came out yakkity-yak.BIRD: Dude, you need to get laid.BUFFALO: The Lonely Adverb... does anyone REALLY care?BIRD: Is that the Michigan Laffing Academy? Yeah, you need to get an ambulance to the auld Buff's place quick. The adverbs are flowing and he hasn't got a stick.BUFFALO: Arf-ily, barf-ily, carf-ily, diddly, dee, ly.BIRD: Hang on, Buffters. They're coming.BUFFALO: Lone-ily. SO lone-ily. Piddle me biddle ly. Eeee. See that asparagus. It's stalking me!BIRD: Rimshot! But is it too late? More About: Bladder , Razor
MICHIGAN LAFFING ACADEMY
2008-07-29 14:24:00 BIRD: Dude, I hear they've closed the Michigan Laffing Academy . We could erect it in here, innit.BUFFALO: Nein, mein Klockenspilengrossengrupenfuhrer. Der Laffing Academy ist Kaput, capice?BIRD: Al zo... Ja, ist sehr geshitten zu offen, like.BUFFALO: In der Toileten, liken ein Vogel scheissen.BIRD: Mit der grosse fudgepacken gewipen nichts.BUFFALO: Ja, ja, das is sehr gut, mein kleine schickelgrubber. Der Laffen Academie oder den Michigan Scheissehausen ist sticken up der arschen mit der weinerschnitzel und der roladen, mit der dillpicklen und der mustard, upen in den grossenintestin ver der solarligthen ist nicts zo gershinen.BIRD: Film bei elf stunde.BUFFALO: Arfe, arfe!
LONG LOST RELLY
2008-07-28 14:18:00 BUFFALO: Dude, I woke up this mawnin' and found this fooker at the bottom of my bed. I'm askin' ya, IS IT A SIGN? More About: Lost , Long
ZAFTIG CARLOTTA
2008-07-24 12:52:00 FIFI: It's called Zaftig Carlotta.A zaftig young singer, CarlottaExcelled when she sang a cantataOnce felled by the fluShe knew what to doAnd used her vagina dentata.BIRD & BUFFALO: Mah-vellous!
MEET ME LITTER RARE E AGENT - MR I CHING
2008-07-10 06:54:00 BIRD: Strap yourself in, dude, and listen in to me chewin' da breeze wid mah homey litter rare E agent, like.BUFFALO: Dude, wot the fook are you talking about?!BIRD: You, me, the universe and uddery. We got an agent, innit. After all these years of obscurantory. BUFFALO: Woo-hoo! Nice! What'shisname?BIRD: Mr I Ching. Dunno wot the I stands for, but dude, we're in! Pour yerself a strong one, lean back and listen to the chat we had but one hour ago.BUFFALO: Cracking open a bottle of Muscatel as I lower myself into the recliner...BIRD: Here goes!Um, er, is that Mr Ching?I CHING: Ask I Ching.BIRD: Mr I Ching. Excellent. I've been trying to reach you for some time.I CHING: Perseverance furthers. BIRD: Sure does. Da auld Buff and I have been looking for an agent to publish our book, Tails From The Bird And Buffalo: The Walrus Years, like.I CHING: If someone is not as he should be, He has misfortune, And it does not further him, To undertake anything. BIRD: Well, yeah, I used to think ... More About: Agent , Meet , Rare
THE MISSING P-COCK
2008-07-09 04:07:00 BUFFALO: Dude.BIRD: Yes, dude?BUFFALO: I've lost the fookin' peacock!BIRD: Eh?BUFFALO: The one we were gonna use for the pilot episode. Zip. Ka-kronken-ho! Vanished.BIRD: Dude, you can't just lose a peacock without a trace. Try and think. When did you see it last?BUFFALO: Well, I gave it a shower, like, after a hearty meal of Spam and sardines and a fossilized mouse I found behind the cupboard in Sparky's room, all washed down with a Bud, you understand.BIRD: OK. Then what?BUFFALO: Then I kicked that jerk-berk Sparky out of his room and put Ms Paycock to bed, tucked her in, an' all.BIRD: A-ha. And in the morning?BUFFALO: Da peacock was gone.BIRD: Have you checked the balcony?BUFFALO: Yep.BIRD: The kiddies' playground?BUFFALO: Yah-p.BIRD: The shooting range.BUFFALO: O fahhhh-k. The shooting range. Those guys, the ones with the fahhhh-k off Uzis... They like to take pot shots at things and animals... And in her burst for freedom... Wot time is it? There may still be hope. Pray f... More About: Missing , Cock
COMING SOON: B&B THE SITCOM
2008-07-03 10:35:00 I was at the Bore Fest doing captions for "Juno and the Paycock" when I suddenly became aware that I was surrounded by red curtains -just like in the Black Lodge from "Twin Peaks". It hit me then that I had stumbled into the auld Buff's dream in which he fancied himself to be Special Agent Dale Cooper, having breakfast with Audrey Horne at the Great Northern. This wigged me out a bit. I tried to shake off the feeling of impending doom but then I began to get rather peggish. I had a sudden craving for a bucket of hot black coffee and a cherry pie and sent the gopher out to fetch them. About an hour later as I was finishing off the pie, Caroline (our receptionist and office tart) buzzed me. She was all in a dither about some cheeky bloke who'd wandered into the lobby and made a pass at her after introducing himself as my uncle from America - Professor Splendor G. Mainwaring. This was a bit odd seeing as how I don't have a fookin' uncle in America, so I asked her to describe the fe... More About: Sitcom
MORE THRUST INSOLENT RUDDER, SCOTTIE!
2008-07-02 10:14:00 BUFFALO: So tell me again, dude, why should I read Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net/?BIRD: Cos it's jam packed with lots of goodies.BUFFALO: Oh, yeah? Like wot?BIRD: The Body Psalms Promo for a start. Made by the janitor.BUFFALO: Wow. What happened to the editor, like?BIRD: He is the editor.BUFFALO: Shucks. And he's gotta clean up afterwards too?BIRD: Feeds 'em too.BUFFALO: Must be a Nordic ting. And wot else?BIRD: Stories by Nonnie Augustine, Sydnee Elliot, Susan Elmendorf, GC Smith, Craig Terlson, Foster Trecost and Donna Vitucci. All at http://www.insolentrudder.net/BUFFALO: Salivating loudly here, dude.BIRD: Rightfully so. These guys is premier league. Wanna hear about the rest?BUFFALO: There's more?BIRD: You betcha. There's that crazy Pube Maxim Ripyorebollokov trying to get reverb before the lights go out.BUFFALO: Oh, I like him. He's well wacko.BIRD: And some great cartoons by Marja Hagborg. And she's written a column too about NNS.BUFFALO: Woo-hoo to d...
KINKY BOOTS
2008-06-24 06:22:00 BIRD: Went to see this film last nite. For money, like. Me bra was killing me. Anyway, this punter keeps going "Goebbels! Goebbels" Then at one point this babbling idiot slung his left arm out to his side and his hand fell on my lap in a most provocative manner and yelled, "Mein Fuhrer, please loan me your Luger!" I tell you I was THIS close to walking out. The things a writer has to do to earn an honest crust! More About: Boots , Kinky
NOTES FROM THE ORIFICE # 4
2008-06-10 06:17:00 THE MEETING THAT NEVER WAS...FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Any sign of Bird?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: Nope. But he doesn't start work for another two hours so...FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: We'll go ahead without him?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: Sounds like a plan.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: What do you think, doc?COMPANY DOC: I can't stay for more than half an hour.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Great. OK, well, as we all well know, Bird has requested that we review his shifts in the light of the fact that he is finding it difficult to cope with the 2am starts. That right, doc?COMPANY DOC: That is correct.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: So who would like to go first?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: I'm sure that if Bird were here now, he'd say...FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Toss a coin?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: Exactly.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Doc, if you would do the honours...COMPANY DOC: Hey, this is fun. We never did this at medical school to decide someone's fate.FLASH LARRY O... More About: Notes
NOTES FROM THE ORIFICE # 3 THE PAY DEAL
2008-06-01 14:42:00 WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS, BASED EXCLUSIVELY ON HEARSAY AND UNRELIABLE STORIES TOLD AFTER THE CONSUMPTION OF MUCHOS ALCOHOLICOS. AND YET THE TRUTH OF EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS QUITE ASTOUNDING.HR SHORT PLOPPY SALLY: So that's about it, really, in a nutshell. That's the pay deal on the table. Below inflation, I know, but there are tough times ahead.BIRD: So, that's your final offer?HR SHORT PLOPPY SALLY: I didn't say that.BIRD: So it's still open to negotiation?HR SHORT PLOPPY SALLY: I didn't say that, either.BIRD: Right. I see. So... you may or may not come up with another proposal which may or may not be open to negotiation depending on factors which may or may not be beyond your control but be rest assured you are doing everything in your rather restricted powers to keep as many people in a job as possible although economic conditions may determine that - perish the thought - some people, possibly many people, may or may not have to fall on their proverbi... More About: The Office , Notes , Deal
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
2008-05-29 23:04:00 It was the great poet Jerry Elderberry (1202-1222) who once wrote ?With thine eyes, Would I rather barf?. Sometimes, complexity is a necessary evil. Sometimes, you just want to pleasure yourself unhindered by plot or chronological uber-montage. Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a failed attempt at a cinematic treatise on Jean-Paul Sartre?s Being & Nothingness, veiled as comic caper of caustic soda proportions. Sartre maintained ?I think therefore I was? in the same way that this film thinks it?s a film therefore it?s not. Nowhere is this better illustrated in the multi-layered nature of the dialogue, which instead of conveying a sense of purpose and communication is fixated on what Sartre called the temporality of existence. So that when Indiana Jones says, ?Get outta here!? what he?s really saying is ?You don?t exist, neither do I, you would like to leave but you and I aren?t here anyway so where is this script going?? Or as Sartre would have put it,... More About: Harrison Ford
FIFI'S BACK - WOO-HOO!
2008-05-22 08:34:00 BUFFALO: Woo-hoo!BIRD: Wibbly-dee!FIFI: OK, boys, just for you...A horny and ravenous catWas biting the head off a ratThen he noticed a svelte puss slink byDropped his jaw when she gave him the eye."Freedom now!" and that rat grabbed his hat.Now whaddya think about that?BIRD & BUFFALO: Mah-vellous! More About: Back
DICK VON FUXX REVELS ALL
2008-05-20 13:47:00 FROM THE SECRET BLOG OF DICK VON FUXX, THE PREMIUM ADULT ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTORThey say all the talent is deserting Limehouse for LA. But as everybody knows, with the spiralling production costs in the States, the industry is unsustainable in LA and once the great studios of Muffdom and Anal Sis are crippled by debt and thrown into receivership the doors will be thrown open to all sorts of amateur sickos waiting to flood the market with cgi-enhanced faked orgasm bullshit. So all I have to do is play the waiting game. In a matter of months, weeks even Limehouse will be the buzz on everyone?s lips and I, Dick von Fuxx III, shall assume my rightful place in filthy old pervs? history.After the years in the wilderness of sweat and toil, trying to turn seedy adult films into an art form, the world is about to acknowledge me for the outstanding auteur that I am. No more shall I have to endure the demeaning label of porn peddlar. My films shall stand alongside the truly filthy stuff o...
SPIDER-MAN 3 - THE TRAILER BY PEDRO ALMODOVAR
More articles from this author:2008-05-14 14:59:00 Toby Maguire looks positively ravishing in a blonde wig made of goats' pubes in this special Pedro Almodovar edition of Spider Man 3. Filmed secretly in parallel as the Sam Raimi version, with actors waiving their fees because they had so much fun "discovering sensual spots and holes they never knew existed", Almodovar brings out all the hedonistic ambiguity and transcendential pseudo-soliptic metaphysical mind jerkoff of the original script considered by many studio insiders as more saucy than a nun on a jumbo candle in the Mojave desert. The true existential angst and blatant desire of Spider Man to as Almodovar puts it, "look like my mum before the gender reassignment" is committed to film here and explored in a way that would make even Caligula faint. Not to be missed. Only watch with your closest friends and fellow thrill seekers. More About: Trailer , Tube , Spider-man 3 , Spider man , Spider-Man 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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