Tails From The Bird & BuffaloTails From The Bird & BuffaloOff the wall adult humour for those struggling with existential dread as The Bird & Buffalo are. Articles
COMING SOON: B&B THE SITCOM
2008-07-03 10:35:00 I was at the Bore Fest doing captions for "Juno and the Paycock" when I suddenly became aware that I was surrounded by red curtains -just like in the Black Lodge from "Twin Peaks". It hit me then that I had stumbled into the auld Buff's dream in which he fancied himself to be Special Agent Dale Cooper, having breakfast with Audrey Horne at the Great Northern. This wigged me out a bit. I tried to shake off the feeling of impending doom but then I began to get rather peggish. I had a sudden craving for a bucket of hot black coffee and a cherry pie and sent the gopher out to fetch them. About an hour later as I was finishing off the pie, Caroline (our receptionist and office tart) buzzed me. She was all in a dither about some cheeky bloke who'd wandered into the lobby and made a pass at her after introducing himself as my uncle from America - Professor Splendor G. Mainwaring. This was a bit odd seeing as how I don't have a fookin' uncle in America, so I asked her to describe the fe...
MORE THRUST INSOLENT RUDDER, SCOTTIE!
2008-07-02 10:14:00 BUFFALO: So tell me again, dude, why should I read Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net/?BIRD: Cos it's jam packed with lots of goodies.BUFFALO: Oh, yeah? Like wot?BIRD: The Body Psalms Promo for a start. Made by the janitor.BUFFALO: Wow. What happened to the editor, like?BIRD: He is the editor.BUFFALO: Shucks. And he's gotta clean up afterwards too?BIRD: Feeds 'em too.BUFFALO: Must be a Nordic ting. And wot else?BIRD: Stories by Nonnie Augustine, Sydnee Elliot, Susan Elmendorf, GC Smith, Craig Terlson, Foster Trecost and Donna Vitucci. All at http://www.insolentrudder.net/BUFFALO: Salivating loudly here, dude.BIRD: Rightfully so. These guys is premier league. Wanna hear about the rest?BUFFALO: There's more?BIRD: You betcha. There's that crazy Pube Maxim Ripyorebollokov trying to get reverb before the lights go out.BUFFALO: Oh, I like him. He's well wacko.BIRD: And some great cartoons by Marja Hagborg. And she's written a column too about NNS.BUFFALO: Woo-hoo to d...
KINKY BOOTS
2008-06-24 06:22:00 BIRD: Went to see this film last nite. For money, like. Me bra was killing me. Anyway, this punter keeps going "Goebbels! Goebbels" Then at one point this babbling idiot slung his left arm out to his side and his hand fell on my lap in a most provocative manner and yelled, "Mein Fuhrer, please loan me your Luger!" I tell you I was THIS close to walking out. The things a writer has to do to earn an honest crust! More About: Boots , Kinky
NOTES FROM THE ORIFICE # 4
2008-06-10 06:17:00 THE MEETING THAT NEVER WAS...FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Any sign of Bird?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: Nope. But he doesn't start work for another two hours so...FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: We'll go ahead without him?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: Sounds like a plan.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: What do you think, doc?COMPANY DOC: I can't stay for more than half an hour.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Great. OK, well, as we all well know, Bird has requested that we review his shifts in the light of the fact that he is finding it difficult to cope with the 2am starts. That right, doc?COMPANY DOC: That is correct.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: So who would like to go first?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: I'm sure that if Bird were here now, he'd say...FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Toss a coin?MANAGER JACK "THICK AS TWO" PLANKS: Exactly.FLASH LARRY OF HR LAND: Doc, if you would do the honours...COMPANY DOC: Hey, this is fun. We never did this at medical school to decide someone's fate.FLASH LARRY O... More About: Notes
NOTES FROM THE ORIFICE # 3 THE PAY DEAL
2008-06-01 14:42:00 WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS, BASED EXCLUSIVELY ON HEARSAY AND UNRELIABLE STORIES TOLD AFTER THE CONSUMPTION OF MUCHOS ALCOHOLICOS. AND YET THE TRUTH OF EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS QUITE ASTOUNDING.HR SHORT PLOPPY SALLY: So that's about it, really, in a nutshell. That's the pay deal on the table. Below inflation, I know, but there are tough times ahead.BIRD: So, that's your final offer?HR SHORT PLOPPY SALLY: I didn't say that.BIRD: So it's still open to negotiation?HR SHORT PLOPPY SALLY: I didn't say that, either.BIRD: Right. I see. So... you may or may not come up with another proposal which may or may not be open to negotiation depending on factors which may or may not be beyond your control but be rest assured you are doing everything in your rather restricted powers to keep as many people in a job as possible although economic conditions may determine that - perish the thought - some people, possibly many people, may or may not have to fall on their proverbi... More About: The Office , Notes , Deal
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
2008-05-29 23:04:00 It was the great poet Jerry Elderberry (1202-1222) who once wrote ?With thine eyes, Would I rather barf?. Sometimes, complexity is a necessary evil. Sometimes, you just want to pleasure yourself unhindered by plot or chronological uber-montage. Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a failed attempt at a cinematic treatise on Jean-Paul Sartre?s Being & Nothingness, veiled as comic caper of caustic soda proportions. Sartre maintained ?I think therefore I was? in the same way that this film thinks it?s a film therefore it?s not. Nowhere is this better illustrated in the multi-layered nature of the dialogue, which instead of conveying a sense of purpose and communication is fixated on what Sartre called the temporality of existence. So that when Indiana Jones says, ?Get outta here!? what he?s really saying is ?You don?t exist, neither do I, you would like to leave but you and I aren?t here anyway so where is this script going?? Or as Sartre would have put it,... More About: Harrison Ford
FIFI'S BACK - WOO-HOO!
2008-05-22 08:34:00 BUFFALO: Woo-hoo!BIRD: Wibbly-dee!FIFI: OK, boys, just for you...A horny and ravenous catWas biting the head off a ratThen he noticed a svelte puss slink byDropped his jaw when she gave him the eye."Freedom now!" and that rat grabbed his hat.Now whaddya think about that?BIRD & BUFFALO: Mah-vellous! More About: Back
DICK VON FUXX REVELS ALL
2008-05-20 13:47:00 FROM THE SECRET BLOG OF DICK VON FUXX, THE PREMIUM ADULT ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTORThey say all the talent is deserting Limehouse for LA. But as everybody knows, with the spiralling production costs in the States, the industry is unsustainable in LA and once the great studios of Muffdom and Anal Sis are crippled by debt and thrown into receivership the doors will be thrown open to all sorts of amateur sickos waiting to flood the market with cgi-enhanced faked orgasm bullshit. So all I have to do is play the waiting game. In a matter of months, weeks even Limehouse will be the buzz on everyone?s lips and I, Dick von Fuxx III, shall assume my rightful place in filthy old pervs? history.After the years in the wilderness of sweat and toil, trying to turn seedy adult films into an art form, the world is about to acknowledge me for the outstanding auteur that I am. No more shall I have to endure the demeaning label of porn peddlar. My films shall stand alongside the truly filthy stuff o...
SPIDER-MAN 3 - THE TRAILER BY PEDRO ALMODOVAR
2008-05-14 14:59:00 Toby Maguire looks positively ravishing in a blonde wig made of goats' pubes in this special Pedro Almodovar edition of Spider Man 3. Filmed secretly in parallel as the Sam Raimi version, with actors waiving their fees because they had so much fun "discovering sensual spots and holes they never knew existed", Almodovar brings out all the hedonistic ambiguity and transcendential pseudo-soliptic metaphysical mind jerkoff of the original script considered by many studio insiders as more saucy than a nun on a jumbo candle in the Mojave desert. The true existential angst and blatant desire of Spider Man to as Almodovar puts it, "look like my mum before the gender reassignment" is committed to film here and explored in a way that would make even Caligula faint. Not to be missed. Only watch with your closest friends and fellow thrill seekers. More About: Trailer , Tube , Spider-man 3 , Spider man , Spider-Man
OI, NUTTER & THE STAR-SPANGLED BANANA
2008-05-12 13:15:00 BIRD: Buffers, are you decent?BUFF: I've got a pair of Bart Simpson boxer shorts on, if that's what you mean.BIRD: Did ya celebrate Mother's Day, then?BUFF: Sure, I always celebrate Mother's Day in my skivvies, you great gormy plank.BIRD: How is your mum, by the by?BUFF: She's old, Birdy. Ancient and creaky, like. Her only topics of conversation relate to her precarious health, which I have inherited.BIRD: Oh, how so?BUFF: The bloody gout, Birdman. It has returned with villain zeal and I am contemplating self-amputation.BIRD: Blimey. Not of your Freddy, I hope!BUFF: No, Berky, of my fookin' knee. Feels like there's ground glass in my knee, turning it into hamburger.BIRD: Hors alor! Does it hurt, like?BUFF: Is the bear Catholic? Does that old dopesucker Winslow Pope shit in the woods?BIRD: Are those rhetorical questions, Buffers?BUFF: No, Einstein, those are the questions that plague me eternally when I'm contemplating self-mutilation, you flaming twit.BIRD: Uh, tell me more ... More About: Banana , Star , The Star
GREAT TITS COPE WELL WITH WARMING
2008-05-09 14:10:00 SPOKESBIRD FOR THE BRITISH GREAT TIT ASSOCIATION SAYS "BRING IT ON!"IN A 90-SECOND INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN GREAT TIT SENIOR IN A GARDEN AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN EAST FENWICK, BRIAN REVEALED HOW GREAT TITS EVERYWHERE ARE REVELLING IN GLOBAL WARMING. BRIAN: See, the way I see it, we're laughing, innit. The hotter it gets the more caterpillars there are and we like our caterpillars, right? I mean, there's so many caterpillars hanging out now, it's hard to know where to turn! Normally, right, we eat 70 of the little buggers a day, yeah? Now it's up to 120 plus. All different sizes and colours too! This morning, yeah, when I woke up and rolled out of the birdbox, I thought I'd kicked the proverbial bucket bath and gone to Twitter Heaven. I must've ate about 6o of 'em before me afternoon siesta alone. Gave me terrible wind, mind. Couldn't stop farting. It was enough to wake the robins, I tell ya. Anyway, global warming - bloody marvellous, specially since I used to get a cold ... More About: Great , Tits , Cope
NOTES FROM THE ORIFICE # 2
2008-04-30 12:34:00 IN WHICH BIRD GETS TO SEE THE COMPANY DOC...LOOPY LOO (DA LINE MANAGER): So why do you want to see the company doctor?BIRD: I told you in the email, I am TOTALLY stressed out. I'm cracking up. I can't function. I can't sleep at night. I can't focus. I feel TOTALLY trapped. If I don't get help soon, I don't know what I might do. You've gotta help me. Please. Please let me see him. Please.LOOPY LOO: We feel an appointment with the company doctor is inappropriate at this point. We'd like to stick to the three-month review period. Have you tried gardening or Su Doku to relieve the tension?BIRD: Now why didn't I think of that! Loopy, I can't wait three months, that's gonna be too late. I need to see the doctor NOW.LOOPY LOO: Tiddlywinks might work too. Well, anyway, these are your options - we can put you in touch with a free confidential counselling service, or you can go and see your own doctor, or you can practise deep breathing whilst sitting on a marble floor.BIRD: I'm g... More About: The Office , Notes
EINSTEIN'S LAST THEORY INNIT
2008-04-17 13:18:00 BIRD: Wot's happnin', dude?BUFFALO: Nuffink much. Just reading about that darty old muff muncher Bertie Einstein .BIRD: Eh? Xplain, plis, Lucy.BUFFALO: Great new bio just out - Einstein: Quantum Chick Magnet. Did you know, Birdy, that Einstein married his second wife Elsa cuz she was well endowed, like?BIRD: Great fornicating follicles, Buffters! Is nothing sacred?!BUFFALO: He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.BIRD: Fascinating stuff.BUFFALO: For real. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.BIRD: Rimshot!
FIVE REASONS TO GET OUTTA BED IN DA MAWNIN'
2008-04-16 13:08:00 ER... WOT YER THINK, BUFF? WILL ANY OF THESE GET YA OUTTA BED?1. You'll get fired if you don't.BUFFALO: Nope.2. Your heart will become even weaker than it already is then it'll give out altogether.BUFFALO: Years of unbridled rogering and solvent abuse will get me first, Birdy, so wot's da hurry?3. Someone is stealing your car.BUFFALO: Dude, it's insured!4. There is a special package at the door.BUFFALO: I've got all my movies from NetFlix so I don't give a feck!5. The bed is on fire.BUFFALO: Yeah, that oughtta do it! More About: Reasons
FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY AFORE YE CROAK
2008-04-15 12:33:00 IF YOUSE THINKING 'BOUT KICKING DA BUCKET & WANT TO BE WELL REMEMBERED, LIKE, DON'T SAY NONE O' DESE:1. DAVE (HALIFAX, ENGLAND) TO HIS BELOVED NANCY: "At least I won't have to fake my orgasms any more!"2. BERYL (SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE) TO HER HUBBY OF 60 YEARS, NIGEL: "How I've put up with your ugly mug and farting for England all these years I'll never know."3. JEAN-JEAN (BELIZE) TO HIS EGYPTIAN POODLE: "Zis is le end, mon pooch. After toi, non?"4. BORIS KOKBLOWNOFF (KRASNODAR, SIBERIA) TO TWIN BROTHER ALF: "Tell Lenin I miss him and don't forget to feed the swans on the lake, twin comrade of mine!"5. WALKING TEPID (SOMEWHERE ON LAKE MICHIGAN) TO WAVING BULL IN SKY: "Rising Turd has come for me, I go now to Universal Flush. Geronimo!" More About: Things
FIVE FILMS TO SEE BEFORE YOU DIE
2008-04-10 15:40:00 1. BAMBI - The first time interspecies love was taken seriously - "Thumper, I think I love you..."2. DAS BOOT - For making subtitles cool again! - "Dive! Dive! Der feckin' Englischen want us get-toten, ja!"3. LASSIE COME HOME - For giving unwanted twerps everywhere hope - arf, arf!4. GET CARTER - Michael Caine, innit - "You''re only supposed to blow the bluddy doors off!"5. DEBBIE DOES DORSET - Cos nobody does Dorset quite like Debbie - "So little time but still haven't blown Bournemouth. Ick!" More About: Films , Das Boot
MAXIM & UDDERS ON INSOLENT RUDDER
2008-04-06 23:42:00 BIRD: Shameful self-emulation, I know, but have you heard about Maxim Ripyorebollokov's Notes From Pubistan in the excellent mag Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net?BUFFALO: Birdy, you know what happens when you introduce a character within a character.BIRD: Dude, it's not me. Not the REAL me. And Maxim's a pal. In need.BUFFALO: Now hold on there, buddy. Am I talking to you, Maxim, or Stu?BIRD: Eh? Me, natch. Why'd you ask?BUFFALO: Cos I just don't know any more. And what's the deal with the editor of Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net? This Tim Ljunggren dude... Isn't he the Sage of Sweden?BIRD: Is he? Who told you that?BUFFALO: You did, you plank!BIRD: Oh. You know, I really don't know. I mean, I've parleyed with him on Skype and all and NOTHING he said led me to believe he's in any way a Swede-oh.BUFFALO: Tim Ljunggren?BIRD: No, dude! The Sage of Sweden!BUFFALO: Jeez, Birdman. I feel like I don't know my ass from my Freddy these... More About: The Office , Udders
INTERNATIONAL DISTURBED BUDDIES DAY
2008-04-04 12:17:00 THIS BLOG HAS RECEIVED HUNDREDS OF MESSAGES OF SUPPORT FOR THE BIRD AND BUFFALO ON THEIR DAY - INTERNATIONAL DISTURBED BUDDIES DAY. HERE IS A SAMPLE:SAMMY, BRIGHTON, ENGLAND:Dudes,I know you're total whack jobs but keep up the blog, OK? I love it. It takes me to another place whilst I can't physically get there cuz I've got these belts holding me down. Give my regards to Dale when you see him next. PS Ever tried geraniums? They're seriously yummy!DAVE, FLORIDA:Dudes,I feel your pain, dudes. Want me to shove my shotgun up your asses and pull the trigger? Gimme your address, I'll be round REAL soon.JANET, ALASKA:Dudes,Have you ever thought about what it's like to be a squirrel without a Freddy? I do wonder sometimes. I hope the surgery works, don't you?FRED, CALIFORNIA:Dudes,You've helped me rediscover myself in a refreshing way not unlike that of a pixie in the long grass. My case comes up on Tuesday.JUAN, BARCELONA:Dudes,I worship the cyber space upon which you def... More About: International , The Office , Tube
THE PROUST OUTSIDE WITHIN
2008-04-03 16:14:00 BIRD MET MARCEL PROUST LAST NIGHT WHILST WALKING THE MIND. HE REMINDED HIM OF A CHANGE IN THE WEATHER AND... BIRD: In the mirror every reader finds herself in him. PROUST: Time passes, and little by little everything that we have spoken in falsehood becomes true.BIRD: Regress. Regress. To recreate second nature composed of masterpieces and neurotics is merely an instrument of the mind that is not going to last, right? PROUST: Wow. But I don't understand.BIRD: Habit is happiness, don?t you know?PROUST: You mean we become moral when we are unhappy.BIRD: Of course not, you wombat. You know, I really do think final decisions communicate strength within the cruelties of enchantments and powers which serve unhappiness and other inedible delights, don?t you?PROUST: Didn?t I say something like that once?BIRD: Don't be silly, what I said was profound. How vain you are!PROUST: It?s just we do not succeed in changing things according to our desire, but gradually our desire changes.BI...
TWINSPEAK
2008-03-31 14:06:00 BUFFALO: Hey, buddy! Fancy seeing you here. Get this, dude. I've got a date with Audrey Horne.THE HUDSTER: Audrey Horne? That name sounds familiar. Did we go to school with her?BUFFALO: Nope.THE HUDSTER: Well, where's she from, then?BUFFALO: Twin Peaks , berky.THE HUDSTER: Waa? Twin Peaks? Like the fookin' TV show?BUFFALO: Aye.THE HUDSTER: Audrey Horne, huh?BUFFALO: Right.THE HUDSTER: Dude, wasn't she the chick that could eat a cherry and tie the stem in a knot with her tongue?BUFFALO: Jawohl, Mein Herring.THE HUDSTER: What was her name? Her real name, I mean.BUFFALO: Sherilyn Fenn.THE HUDSTER: Sherilyn Fenn. Hey, she was the smokin' hot chick that had the hots for Kyle McLaughlan, right?BUFFALO: The very one.THE HUDSTER: She had incredible eyebrows. So you're telling me that you have a date with Sherilyn Fenn?BUFFALO: No, you plank, get the shit out of your ears, I have a date with Audrey Horne.THE HUDSTER: Oh, OK. Right, dude, Audrey Horne, the fictional character.BUFFALO: Th... More About: Tube
NOTES FROM THE ORIFICE # 1
2008-03-13 16:05:00 IT'S A MODERN ORIFICE, ER... OFFICE. NO, MAKE THAT ORIFICE. WHERE BIRDY EKES OUT HIS LIFE AND DREAMS. AND THE UDDER DAY...BIRD: Busy day today, eh?VICKY (DA DUTY EDITOR, D'UH!): Yeah. You know, Birdy, I just feel so fulfilled here, like if I hadn't stepped through that door all those years ago...BIRD: 20 to be precise.VICKY: That I would never have known that I'd feel...BIRD: Older?VICKY: I don't feel older. Do I look older? BIRD: Vicky, you look great. We should go out for a drink sometime then take it from there.VICKY: No, really, do I look older?BIRD: Vicky, you look good enough to eat. Shit, what am I saying? I'm really sorry. My line manager's warned me about this.VICKY: I don't think I look so bad, considering.BIRD: Horse play. Intimacy. Longing. Relating. Sharing. Being. With another employee.VICKY: Do you know how much I earn? It's about twice what you get. Does that make me twice as important, eh? I think it does.BIRD: Vicky, you are three times a... More About: The Office , Notes
HOGGING THE HOG
2008-03-09 13:29:00 I'm high on the hogThe hog likes meAnd I like heOver here little hogCome hog meGentlyBIRD: Bootiful, Fifi. Woolly bootiful.BUFFALO: Yup. Sorry, gotta run. Laters.BIRD: The grimulations of an active bowel.BUFFALO: In the one eyed land of the king the constipated is unshaven, or sumfink like that.BIRD: Been in the raspberry dip again, I see.BUFFALO: An active behind leads to active mind.BIRD: Can't argue with that. But where have all the good times gone?BUFFALO: It's coming, dude. Tally-ho, Mr Toe.BIRD: Jam at eleven.BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
METAFIZZICKLE PREMONITION IN SLUMBERLAND
2008-02-13 12:48:00 BUFFALO: You OK dere, Birdy?BIRD: Nah. Can't sleep.BUFFALO: Wassup?BIRD: Had this dream.BUFFALO: Oh, yeah. Bout wot?BIRD: Phil Ossifee. Me and Wittgenstein were shooting da breeze, like.BUFFALO: Jeez. Metafarcical, like. Go on.BIRD: Well, Lud was saying that philosophical problems are not solved through finished experiments, and facts are not things, but are still useful.BUFFALO: Fook! You lost me past the ice cream parlor there, Binky.BIRD: So I said what about the directives? We point out directives then withdraw dissatisfied due to words and pieces of failures being similar.BUFFALO: Dude, wot the fook are you talking about?BIRD: Patience, o bovine one, I'm getting to the punch line. So Lud said "The meaning of a word is to be defined by the rules for its use, not by the feeling that attaches to the word."BUFFALO: O Jeez!BIRD: So that got me thinking. What support does that word have? Moreover, what rights does that word have? Does that word have a say in being used? Are we not ... More About: Premonition
REASONS TO BE TEARFUL PART 1
2008-02-12 13:14:00 BUFFALO: This just in from the head doc: Inappropriate or exaggerated responses to situations; excessive restlessness; drowsiness; worrying excessively; reduced confidence; mood swings; indecisiveness; poor concentration; trembling, sweating; lethargy; social withdrawal; irritability or anger; intoxication; dramatic weight loss or gain; change in personal hygiene or dress; feeling helpless or hopeless; being isolated; threatening or dangerous behaviour; bizarre behaviour or thinking and recurring bouts of emotional diarrhoea. Dude, I'm fooked! More About: Reasons , Part
BANGED AGAIN! @@banged.com
2008-02-11 13:53:00 WARNING: PARENTAL ADVISORY, UH DERISORY. THIS EXCERPT CONTAINS THE YO! SEAL OF APPROVALTHE ARSE**** LITERARY REVULSION GOES ON, FROM BANGED!, A STORY WITHIN A STORY WITHIN A VANILLA FUDGE BOMB OF THE SYMBIOITIC UNKIND. OUR HEROINE IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT JUST EXACTLY WHAT MAKES THE FREDDY TIME BOMB TICK...But Bo wasn?t listening. For every x there?s a y. For every positive there?s a negative. For every up there?s a down. You get the idea.?But I want my Clarissa back!?Still Bo said nothing.?What the ****?s going on?? Chuck blurted out from the corner of the mirror.Carla stroked the smooth tip of her new-grown member. ?Sorry there, Chuck, it would appear that I?m not a woman at all, but a? well, uh, transsexual. Yeah, that?s the one. I?m on gender reassignment. A man trapped in a woman?s body. How?d ya like my Freddy?? She swung it up and down. ?Kinda cute, ain?t he? 12 inches of pure pleasure. Don?t it make ya want to just get down and give it a good suck??Chuck took a few...
THE GREATEST SENTENCE EVER WRITTEN Q BUFFTERS
2008-02-07 13:53:00 AS VOTED FOR BY THE WORLD FORUM FOR PHILOLOGICAL UNIVERSALITY IN THE ORIFICIAL MINDI might as well stick a Roman candle up me ass and expect to speak fluent Latin.BUFFALUS INTELLIGENTUS More About: Written , Sentence , Greatest
BANGED! AN INSERT @
2008-01-28 14:37:00 FROM THE SHORTLY TO BE PUBLISHED AND ENDOWED WITH MANY ACCOLADES NOVEL BANGED! ANOTHER IRRESISTIBLE BIRD & BUFFALO ARSE***K LITERARY REVULSION.Chapter 14a Section 7Airports. F***ing airports. Can?t escape them. Tedium city. But this was the only way she?d unscramble her head. Once she was safe in the Village, with the Reconfigurator, everything would go back to the way it had been only a few months ago ? boring and predictable but somehow far more desirable than this aimless rampage of crime and mind f***s. The Village. Five hours by air, then a short trek in the desert. Flo had often talked about it. Said it would be their little secret. Said if things ever got really f****ed up, she had to make her way there and ask for Viscount Framlingham.And now there were two hours to kill before the flight that would bring her back to dear old safe sanity in suburbia. How she wished Bo was still around. She fancied a Bo bang. One of those really filthy, disgusting no-holes-barred ones tha...
OF LIBRARATORIAL PORKING Q REGGIE CHIVERS
2008-01-17 14:17:00 BIRD: You OK, dude?BUFFALO: Do I sound OK? Of course I'm not OK. I'm fookin' depressed, OK?BIRD: Not cos they're closing down yer library, like?BUFFALO: Yes, cuz they're closing down my library. I've spent many a happy hour there. You know what they say about gal librarians with glasses, doncha? Well, it's all true. They go like rockets. Stick a strap on 'em and they could work for NASA.BIRD: So you're sad that the site of your despicable acts with bespectacled damsel librarians whose names you no longer recall will be reduced to bubble rubble, innit?BUFFALO: Not just that. I discovered Joyce there. And Henry Miller. And Reggie Chivers for chrissakes.BIRD: Reggie who?BUFFALO: Oh, don't give me that shit. Reggie Chivers, author of The Porking Principle.BIRD: Sorry, dude, you lost me past the greyhound track.BUFFALO: Oh, come on. It's a seminal work of the taffeta underground.BIRD: Taffeta wot? Xplain, pliz, Lucy.BUFFALO: Jeez. The Porking Principle, in a runt shell, is thi... More About: Hive
MOVE ALONG, FOLKS, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE
More articles from this author:2008-01-06 18:46:00 AND THE WINNER OF THE PUT BOUVET ISLAND ON THE MAP BEFORE IT GETS NUKED OR COLONISED BY GIANT UDDERS SELF ASSESSING RETURNABLE VERSE GOES TO...MOVE ALONG, FOLKS, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HEREWhere to now? she said Mind the hole he said I'm already in More About: Move 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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