Funny Pics And VideosFunny Pics And VideosThis blog is an effort to collect some funny things related to life... Articles
Redneck Computer Terms
2007-07-06 13:54:00 BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick. BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps. CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker. CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers. DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer. FAX - What you lie about to the IRS. HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers. MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live. NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. ONLINE - Where t... More About: Computer , Terms , Term , Redneck , Neck
Computer Terms for Fun
2007-07-04 13:17:00 Log on - Make the wood stove hotta. Log off - Don't add no more wood. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood. Ram - The thing that split that firewood. Hard drive - Getting home in the winta. Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside. Screen - What to shut during black fly season. Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen. Byte - What the black flies do. Bit - What the black flies did. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season. Chip - Munchies for TV. Microchip - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery. Mouse - What makes ... More About: Computer , Terms , Term
Dating Terminology
2007-07-01 09:10:00 Dating: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.Friend: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a... More About: Dating , Terminology , Ology , Term , Dati
Announcements From Church Bulletins
2007-06-29 11:50:00 1. Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.2. Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.7. Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an... More About: Church , Anno
Will You Challenge Me?
2007-06-27 12:45:00 basketballchampplayer More About: Challenge , Allen , Halle
Real Signs From Around the World
2007-06-26 14:20:00 Plumber:"We repair what your husband fixed."On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:"Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."Pizza shop slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak."At a tire shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout."Door of a plastic surgeons office:"Hello, can we pick your nose?"At a Laundry Shop:"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge,close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"At a Towing Company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."On an electricians truck:"Let us remove your shorts."In a Nonsmoking Area:"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On Maternity Room Door:"Push, Push, Push."At an Optometrists Office:"If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place."On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."At a Car Dealership:"The best way to g... More About: World , Signs , Around the world , The World , Real
10 Reasons to Go to Work Naked
2007-06-24 11:38:00 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.6. You want to see if it's like the dream.7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.bossnakedofficework More About: Work , Reasons
Female Comebacks
2007-06-21 14:54:00 Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.Man: Is this seat empty?Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.Man: Your place or mine?Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.Man: So, what do you do for a living?Woman: I'm a female impersonator.Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?Woman: Do not enter.Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?Woman: Unfertilized.Man: Your body is like a temple.Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: But would you stay there?Man: Your place or mine?Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.Man: Fine with me, I don't care where you go after we're done in the car.manwomanfemalecomeback More About: Female , Comeback
Things Not to Say To A Police Officer
2007-06-19 09:28:00 I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.Sorry, Officer , I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!Are You Andy or Barney?I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?I pay your salary!Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"policeofficerhumour More About: Police , Things , Thing , Poli
Medical Definitions
2007-06-16 13:33:00 Benign: What you be after you be eight.Artery: The study of paintings.Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.Barium: What doctors do when patients die.Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome.Catscan: Searching for kitty.Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.Colic: A sheep dog.Coma: A punctuation mark.D & C: Where Washington is.Dilate: To live long.Enema: Not a friend.Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist.Fester: Quicker than someone else.Fibula: A small lie.Genital: Non-Jewish person.G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.Impotent: Distinguished, well known.Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.Nitrates: Cheaper than day.Node: Was aware of.Outpatient: A person who has fainted.Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.Post Operative: A letter carrier.Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.Rectum: Darn near killed him.Secretion: Hiding something.Seizu... More About: Definitions
Pure Love : Squirrel & His Chick
2007-06-16 08:20:00 affectionchickslovesquirrel More About: Love , Chick , Pure , Squirrel
Actual Medical Records
2007-06-15 12:21:00 A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.The skin was moist and dry.Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.She is numb from her toes down.The pa... More About: Medical , Record , Records , Cord
Signs your girlfriend is cheating
2007-06-15 09:55:00 cheatinggirlfriend More About: Girlfriend , Cheating , Signs , Eating , Heating
Friendship Oath
2007-06-14 15:20:00 When you are sad,I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the jerk who made you sad.When you are scared,I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.When you are worried,I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.When you are confused,I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.And when you are lost,I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.When you are sick,I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.When you fall,I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass."This is my oath, I pledge till the end.Why you may ask?Because you're my friend."friendsfriendshipoathpromise More About: Friendship , Oath , Ends , Ship
I Learned From My Girlfriends
2007-06-13 11:24:00 Good times are even better when they're shared.A good long talk can cure almost anything.Everyone needs someone with whom to share their secrets.Listening is just as important as talking.An understanding friend is better than a therapist; and cheaper, too !Laughter makes the world a happier place.Friends are like wine; they get better with age.Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on.Great minds think alike, especially when they are female !When it comes to "bonding," females do it better.YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR SLUMBER PARTIES !!!It's important to make time to do "girl things."Calories don't count when having lunch (or any other food) with your girlfriends.You can never have too many shoes or girlfriends.GEMS MAY BE PRECIOUS, BUT FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS !!!friendsgirlfriendlearning More About: Girlfriends , Learn , Ends , Learned
Long & Beautiful Legs
2007-06-11 13:31:00 dressflowerslegsmarriageweddinggift More About: Beautiful , Legs , Long , Beau
KIDS & MARRIAGE
2007-06-09 13:03:00 OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABESKids are asked questions about marriage...and, OH! how they answered!!How do you decide who to marry?"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.""No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."What is the right age to get married?"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.""No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."How can a stranger tell if two people are married?"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.""You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?"Both don't want no more kids."What do most people do on a date?"Dates are for having fun, and people should use the... More About: Marriage , Arri
Kid's Discovery
2007-06-08 12:09:00 childrendiscoverykidslaughnaughtynudepeep ing More About: Discovery , Disco , Discover , Disc
Cash From ATM
2007-06-02 15:36:00 How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM...1) Parks the car2) Goes to ATM3) Inserts card4) Enters PIN5) Takes money6) Drives away...How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM...1) Parks the car2) Checks makeup3) Turns off engine /put handbrake4) Check makeup5) Goes to ATM6) Hunts for ATM card in the purse.7) Inserts card8) Hits Cancel9) Hunts in purse for chit with PIN written on it.10) Inserts card11) Enters PIN12) Takes cash13) Goes to car14) Checks makeup15) Starts car16) Stops car17) Runs back to ATM18) Takes ATM card back19) Back to car20) Checks makeup21) Starts car22) Checks makeup23) Drives for 3/4 mile24) Releases hand brakeATMboycashcheckgirlsmoney More About: Cash
I'm so fat that...
2007-06-01 13:55:00 When I dance I make the band skip.My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.My driver's license says picture continued on other side.When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!Instead of being born with a silver spoon I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.I could become rich and sell shade.My belly button doesn't have lint - it has sweaters.And you think YOU'RE fat? fatjokes More About: That
Bungee Jumping
More articles from this author:2007-06-01 08:12:00 bungee jumpingjumpingpriceless More About: Bungee , Jump , Ping , Jumping 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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