Funny Pics And VideosFunny Pics And VideosThis blog is an effort to collect some funny things related to life... Articles
Some Old Customs And Traditions
2007-08-08 09:27:00 Here are some "old wives tales" and old customs and traditions:A bride is lucky if she wears old shoes. If a cat sneezes on the day before a wedding, the bride will be lucky in her marriage. A young bride would wear her hair long and loose as a symbol of her youth and innocence. It was OK for a woman to propose to a man during a leap year. If the groom drops the ring during the ceremony, the marriage is doomed. If you see a rainbow on your wedding day, it is a good sign. If you see a black cat on your wedding day, it is a good sign. More About: Traditions , Custom , Customs , Some
Funny Medical Definitions
2007-08-07 09:03:00 Benign: What you be after you be eight. Artery: The study of paintings. Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan: Searching for kitty. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. Colic: A sheep dog. Coma: A punctuation mark. D & C: Where Washington is. Dilate: To live long. Enema: Not a friend. Fester: Quicker than someone else. Fibula: A small lie. Genital: Non-Jewish person. G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball. Hangnail: What you hang your coat on. Impotent: Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane. Morbid: A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates: Cheaper than day. Node: Was aware of. Outpatient: A person who has fainted. Pap Smear: A fatherhood test. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative: A letter carrier. Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery. Rectum: Darn near killed him. Secretion: Hiding something. Seizure: Roman emperor. Tablet... More About: Funny , Definitions
English is Hard to Learn
2007-08-06 10:49:00 Few reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce.The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. More About: Hard , Learn
The Evolution Of Mom
2007-08-05 09:42:00 Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby.Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:Your Clothes-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.The Baby's Name-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.Preparing for the Birth-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.The Layette-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's ... More About: Evolution
An American Survey
2007-08-04 09:53:00 After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences: The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated individuals is BASKETBALL. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. More About: Survey , American
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
2007-08-03 14:38:00 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? There go the lights again... Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ do... More About: Hear , Surgery , Things , Urge
The Special Perks for Being 40 & Over
2007-08-02 09:49:00 If you have attained the age of 40 and over, you are entitled to enjoy these special perks:Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. You can live without sex but not without glasses. You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your suppl... More About: Special , Being , Perks
Why Aren't You Married Yet?
2007-08-01 11:42:00 And the stupid but smartest answers could be following:You haven't asked yet. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And spoil my great sex life? Because I just love hearing this question. Just lucky, I guess. My fiance is awaiting his/her parole. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. It didn't seem worth a blood test. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. Why aren't you thin? I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. (For Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. More About: Married
$20 Bill Remembrance of 9/11
2007-07-30 10:49:00 It's a very interesting item...A $20Bill creates remembrance of America's Tragedy- September 11, 2001.Follow the directions:1. Fold a $20 bill in half so that you see the top half of the reverse side.2. Fold the left half away from you as shown. 3. Fold the right half so that the burning Pentagon is revealed. 4. Flip the bill over to see the World Trade Center. More About: Remembrance , 9/11
The Perfect Worker
2007-07-29 09:46:00 1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13. executed as soon as possible.Addendum:That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to youearlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.~~~~~OFFICE ARITHMETICSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDu... More About: Perfect , Worker
Abort, Retry, Ignore
2007-07-28 08:37:00 Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:Having reached the bottom line,I took a floppy from the drawer.Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE commandBut got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.Carefully, I weighed my options.These three seemed to be the top ones.Clearly, I must now adopt one....Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".With my fingers pale and trembling,Slowly toward the keyboard bending,Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,Praying for some guaranteeFinally I pressed a key....But on the screen what did I see?Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".I tried to catch the chips off-guard....I pressed again, but twice as hard.Luck was just not in the cards,I saw what I had seen befor...
Microsoft Should Make Cars & GM Should Make Software
2007-07-27 11:23:00 At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft , we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to ... More About: Software , Cars , Make
New Virus : Senile Virus
2007-07-26 12:32:00 There is a new virus called the "Senile Virus " that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it. So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!Symptoms of the Senile Virus:1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Explaining A Computer
2007-07-25 11:23:00 If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house,says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,but your packets want to tunnel on another protocolthat's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,th... More About: Computer
Computer Viruses
2007-07-24 10:05:00 Prozac VirusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Dr. Jack Kevorkian VirusSearches your hard drive for old files and deletes themViagra VirusExpands your hard drive, while putting too much pressure on your zip drive. Viagra 2 VirusIt turns your floppy into a hard drive. Airline VirusYou're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Health Care VirusTests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $5,000. Joey Buttafuoco VirusOnly attacks minor files. Disney VirusEverything in the computer goes Goofy. Ellen Degeneres VirusYour IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. More About: Computer , Viruses
If Life Were Like A Computer !
2007-07-23 12:30:00 If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.When you lose your car keys, click on "find"."Help" with the chores is just a click away.You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your boot diskette to recover from a crash.We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.To undo a mistake, click on "back".Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete". More About: Life , Computer , Like , Were
Tiny Men in Fur Coats
2007-07-22 13:19:00 @Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.@They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.@They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.@They growl when they are not happy.@When you want to play, they want to play.@When you want to be alone, they want to play.@They leave their toys everywhere.@They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.@They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. More About: Coats , Tiny , Oats
And God Created Man
2007-07-21 10:27:00 So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with everything you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"God replied, "An arm and a leg."Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"The rest is history...~~~~~And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"And so it was done, and... More About: Create
How to Impress a Woman?
2007-07-19 14:22:00 How to Impress a Woman ?Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her,Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her,Smile at her, Laugh with her,Cry with her, Cuddle with her,Shop with her, Give her jewelry,Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,Write love letters to her,Go to the end of the earth and back for her.How to Impress a Man?Show up naked.Bring beer. More About: A Woman
Men From Women Perspective
2007-07-18 13:19:00 1. The nice men are ugly.2. The handsome men are not nice.3. The handsome and nice men are gay.4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.7. The handsome men without money are after our money.8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. More About: Women , Perspective
Female Comebacks
2007-07-17 13:29:00 Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.Man: Is this seat empty?Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.Man: Your place or mine?Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.Man: So, what do you do for a living?Woman: I'm a female impersonator.Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?Woman: Do not enter.Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?Woman: Unfertilized.Man: Your body is like a temple.Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: But would you stay there? More About: Female , Comeback
The Perfect Man
2007-07-16 12:17:00 The perfect man is gentleNever cruel or meanHe has a beautiful smileAnd keeps his face so clean.The perfect man likes childrenAnd will raise them by your sideHe will be a good fatherAs well as a good husband to his bride.The perfect man loves cookingCleaning and vacuuming tooHe'll do anything in his powerTo convey his feelings of love for you.The perfect man is sweetWriting poetry from your nameHe's a best friend to your motherAnd kisses away your pain.He has never made you cryOr hurt you In any wayOh, screw this stupid poemThe perfect man is gay. More About: Perfect
Why God Created Eve
2007-07-15 14:18:00 1. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.2. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.3. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.7. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that." More About: Create
Ten Most Polite Ways For a Woman to Say Your Zipper Is Down
2007-07-14 08:32:00 10. The cucumber has left the salad.9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..6. Elvis is leaving the building.5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts. More About: Woman , Zipper , Poli , A Woman
One Liner Jokes
2007-07-12 15:12:00 How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Does killing time damage eternity? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light y... More About: Jokes
Divorce Humour
2007-07-11 11:08:00 Definition of Divo rce : The future tense of marriage.~~~~~Question: Why is divorce so expensive?Answer: Because it's worth it.~~~~~Marriage is a three-ring circus:Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.~~~~~There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:Before marriage and after marriage.~~~~~Why were hurricanes usually named after women?Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.~~~~~90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.~~~~~First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."~~~~~Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."~~~~~The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).~~~~~ More About: Humour , Humo
New Words And Terms For 21st Century
2007-07-08 14:04:00 Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive M... More About: Words , Terms , Term , Century
Redneck Computer Terms
2007-07-06 13:54:00 BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick. BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps. CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker. CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers. DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer. FAX - What you lie about to the IRS. HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers. MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live. NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. ONLINE - Where t... More About: Computer , Terms , Term , Redneck , Neck
Computer Terms for Fun
More articles from this author:2007-07-04 13:17:00 Log on - Make the wood stove hotta. Log off - Don't add no more wood. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood. Ram - The thing that split that firewood. Hard drive - Getting home in the winta. Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside. Screen - What to shut during black fly season. Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen. Byte - What the black flies do. Bit - What the black flies did. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season. Chip - Munchies for TV. Microchip - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery. Mouse - What makes ... More About: Computer , Terms , Term 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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