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Sarge & the new recruits
2007-07-08 01:02:00
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarg e, you're in the New Army. No profanities."The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
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Mom's Present
2007-07-06 00:50:00
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
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Exam By Chance
2007-07-02 00:49:00
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
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What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
2007-06-29 00:42:00
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging c...
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When I Was Your Age
2007-06-27 00:54:00
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it...

Good News and Bad News
2007-06-25 00:52:00
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first."Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
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Eat the watermelons
2007-06-22 02:20:00
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
More About: Term , Watermelon , Melons

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and ...
2007-06-17 00:46:00
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it."Impossible", says the doctor."Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde.""I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
More About: Office , Young , Doctor , The D

Custom Software
2007-06-15 00:47:00
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?""Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied."So, what happens if you press [key combination]?""Nothing.""Well, humor me. Do it for me.""Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice.It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
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Wordless Wednesday!
2007-06-14 01:20:00
Happy WW!!
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Aches and Pains
2007-06-12 00:27:00
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Little Tim's Goldfish
2007-06-10 00:26:00
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."
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Afraid of the Dark
2007-06-08 03:30:00
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
More About: Dark , The Dark , The D , Raid

Letter From Mom
2007-06-06 03:29:00
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
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A Deep Rooted Delusion
2007-06-04 03:29:00
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?""Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
More About: Deep , Sion , Root

She was so blonde that...
2007-06-02 00:40:00
- She tripped over a cordless phone.- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.- She studied for a blood test.- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.- She sold the car for gas money!
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Expensive Operation
2007-05-31 00:39:00
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.""My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
More About: Operation

Worms
2007-05-28 00:38:00
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave." Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me." Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms !" said Josh. Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded ...

Hippopotamus, New York
2007-05-26 12:23:00
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York " The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered. "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.
More About: New-York

Keep Your Seat
2007-05-24 12:23:00
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
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The Island
2007-05-22 12:22:00
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
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A Following Person
2007-05-20 12:21:00
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
More About: Following , Wing , Person

Rescue
2007-05-18 12:19:00
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"So the helicopter flew away.The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"
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Lawyers Playing Poker
2007-05-17 08:07:00
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker."I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards."That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!""How can you tell?" Phillips asked."Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
More About: Poker , Lawyers , Poke

Four Letter Surgery
2007-05-15 08:03:00
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling."I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered."What did he say," asked the nurse."OOPS!"
More About: Letter , Surgery , Four , Surge , Urge

Water in the Carburetor
2007-05-13 08:05:00
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
More About: Carburetor , The Car , Carb

MY FIRST (NEW) JOKE!!! - A Stone's Throw
2007-05-11 08:00:00
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
More About: Joke , First , Throw , Tone

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!
2007-05-11 07:57:00
Well, the Bizarre Jokester is back, as bizarre and jokey as ever, so get ready to enjoy yourselves ( I hope I don't accidently do anyone an injury by being too witty HA HA HA, JUST KIDDING!!) and its been horrible being away so long and well, once again, I'M BACK!!!!!:) :) :-D :-D
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Hi folks!! Link Exchange is on!! Leave a comment ...
2007-05-01 12:24:00
Hi folks!! Link Exchange is on!!Leave a comment after linking to me as "The JOKES Blog", and i'll link back to you :)Thanks!
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SORRY! THE BLOG GOT DELETED! :( Leave a comment ...
2007-02-24 15:27:00
SORRY! THE BLOG GOT DELETED!:(Leave a comment on your link - i'll link back
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