The JOKES Blog

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4

Thursday Thirteen: Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
2009-03-12 18:09:00
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
More About: Newspapers , Thirteen , City , Classified , Thursday

Thursday Thirteen: Car Insurance Excuses
2009-03-05 19:18:00
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. - The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.- I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.- As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.- The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.- I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car i...
More About: Insurance , Car Insurance , Thirteen , Thursday , Excuses

Thursday Thirteen: You Might Be a Technician if...
2009-02-26 19:05:00
- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.- you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."- you think your computer looks better without the cover.- you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."- you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.- you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.- the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.- the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.- you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.- you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.- you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.- you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
More About: Thirteen , Thursday , Technician

Thursday Thirteen - CIA: Computer Industry Acronyms
2009-02-19 19:01:00
- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed- DOS: Defunct Operating System- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too- PnP: Plug and Pray- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity- IBM: I Blame Microsoft- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
More About: Computer industry , Thirteen , Thursday

Thursday Thirteen - You know you work for the Government when...
2009-02-11 18:56:00
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. - You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. - Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes. - Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. - You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. - It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers. - Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year. - Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager. - Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter. - You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings. - It's dark when you drive to and from work. - You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
More About: Government , Work , Thirteen , Thursday

Thursday Thirteen! You know you're old when...
2009-02-04 18:55:00
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway. - The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. - You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight. - You get winded playing chess. - Your children begin to look middle-aged. - You join a health club and don't go. - You begin to outlive enthusiasm. - Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet. - You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. - You look forward to a dull evening. - Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!" - You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. - You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
More About: Thirteen , Thursday

BACK!!!
2009-02-01 18:49:00
Aaaaand.... the JOKES Blog... after a MASSIVELY long break... is BACK!!Brace yourself against a WEALTH of hilarious jokes... and enjoy laughing :) - The Bizarre Jokester
More About: Back

TT - Have you ever wondered??
2008-03-13 08:05:00
- Can you cry under water? - How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? - If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? - Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? - Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? - Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? - Why does a round pizza come in a square box? - What did cured ham actually have? - How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? - If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? - If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? - Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television? - Why do people pay to go up tall ...

Thursday Thirteen - Alcohol Consumption Warning
2008-01-24 09:06:00
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. - The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked. - The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. - The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe y...
More About: Alcohol , Thirteen , Warning , Thursday , Consumption

TT - Cat Contemplation - 1
2008-01-10 09:11:00
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
More About: Contemplation , Temp

TT - Thirteen Automobile Acronyms
2008-01-03 09:08:00
AUDIAccelerates Under Demonic InfluenceAlways Unsafe Designs Implemented BMWBeautiful Mechanical WonderBig Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICKBig Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLETCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended TripsCheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGEDarn Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIATFailure in Italian Automotive TechnologyFix It All the TimeFix It Again, Tony!
More About: Thirteen , Automobile , Tomo

What is 2 * 2 ?
2007-12-24 17:25:00
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know?" Medical Student : "I memorized it."

Thursday Thirteen - You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
2007-12-20 17:22:00
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you *You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth *You sleep with your eyes open *You have to watch videos in fast-forward *You lick your coffee pot clean *Your eyes stay open when you sneeze *The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse *You can type sixty words a minute with your feet *You can jump-start your car without cables *Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" *You don't sweat, you percolate
More About: Coffee , Thirteen , Thursday

A Texas millionaire
2007-12-17 17:24:00
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you." "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
More About: Millionaire

Great Sales Technique
2007-12-16 17:23:00
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
More About: Sales , Technique , Great

TT - Lessons Learned By a Parent
2007-12-12 17:21:00
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock,...
More About: Lessons , Learned , Parent , Pare

Kidneys and Livers
2007-12-11 00:34:00
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

TT - New Old Sayings
2007-12-06 17:30:00
- Anywhere you hang your @ is home. - The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. - A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. - You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. - Great groups from little icons grow. - Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. - C: is the root of all directories. - Don't put all your hypes in one home page. - Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. - The modem is the message. - Too many clicks spoil the browse. - The geek shall inherit the earth. - A chat has nine lives.

Airport Mix-Up
2007-12-04 00:35:00
During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport , a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.' A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'

TT - Thirteen Lines of WORK
2007-11-29 17:31:00
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...
More About: Work , Thirteen , Lines

TT - Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
2007-11-22 17:31:00
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was ...
More About: Students , Answers , Exams

TT - 13 Lines - Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:
2007-11-15 17:33:00
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?"6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction?7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?-If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling.-If you answered yes to 7 or...
More About: School , Find , True , Teacher , Lines

TT - You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee When...
2007-11-08 17:37:00
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee *You've worn the finish off you coffee table *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house *You're so wired you pick up FM radio *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans" *Instant coffee takes too long *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can *You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" *Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position *Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
More About: Coffee

TT - Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA
2007-11-01 16:38:00
Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System 1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! 5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) 6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something..... 7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. 8. Fas...
More About: Hear

Smart Blonde
2007-10-28 00:54:00
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to ...
More About: Smart , Blonde

TT - Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments
2007-10-26 00:02:00
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. Not a desk person: Did not go to college. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
More About: Performance , Comments , Evaluation , Dictionary , Perform

A mathematician and a physicist agree ...
2007-10-21 00:40:00
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

Thursday Thirteen - More Thoughts On Aging
2007-10-19 00:36:00
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
More About: Thoughts , Thirteen , Thursday , Aging

Future Baseball Star
2007-10-14 00:34:00
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
More About: Baseball , Future , Star

Thursday Thirteen - You are a Nerd If...
2007-10-12 00:39:00
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
More About: Nerd , Thirteen , Thursday