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Vampire Blood
2007-08-06 19:07:00 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. "Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!" More About: Vampire , Blood
Too Enthusiastic
2007-08-06 19:01:00 An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and sa...
Signs That You're Broke
2007-08-06 19:00:00 At communion you go back for seconds. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice. McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. More About: Signs
Superman & Wonderwoman
2007-08-06 18:59:00 Superman is flying around Metropolis horny as hell. He spots wonder-woman on the roof of a building butt-naked taking a sun tan. He says"I have to fly down here get me some wonder pussy." So he flies down quickly and fucks her so fast and flies off. She gets up and says"what the fuck was that" and the invisible man says"I don't know but my ass is killing me." More About: Superman , WonderWoman
Halloween Party
2007-08-06 18:50:00 A black couple was invited to attend a Halloween costume party. The husband asked his wife to get him a costume. The first day she came home with a Batman costume. "Woman", he said, "you know there has never been a black Batman! I can't wear this! Get me something more suitable for this party." So the next day, he came home to find a Superman costume for him. "Woman", he said again. "There has never been a black Superman either. People will laugh at me if I wear this. Now get me something I can wear!" On the third day he came home to find 3 large cottonballs, a white belt, and a 2x4. "What is this?" he asked. Politely, she said, "You can attach those cottonballs and go as a domino, you can wrap that belt around your waist and go as an Oreo cookie, or you can shove that 2x4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle!" More About: Party , Lowe , Ween , Allo
Q and A
2007-08-06 18:48:00 Q & A Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them. Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet. Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor. Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee? A: It hurts their teeth. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish? A: She tried to drown it. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q. why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? A. because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Serious Accident
2007-08-06 18:47:00 An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed. Sharon: Ok Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down! More About: Accident , Cide
The Value Of Ten Dollars
2007-08-06 18:46:00 Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They ... More About: Dollars , Doll
Bollywood love letter
2007-08-03 20:01:00 When I am: Kareeb There is only: Khamoshi I want to speak: Dil Se That's my kind of: Ishq I want this to be: Gupt As I always have: Darr That I will loose you: Sajani And that would be great: Sadma I am your: Mr.Aashique But sometimes bit: Deewana Tell me: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun As I feel : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai In this : Duniya Dilwalon Ki I told you: Maine Pyar Kiya May be : Dil To Pagal Hai Because: Jab Pyar Kisise Hota Hai The whole world appears as: Dushman But anyway: Pyar To Hona Hi Tha More About: Bollywood , Love , Letter , Love Letter , Olly
Banta's Hello Tune
2007-08-03 20:00:00 Santa:I tried calling you up so many times. I always got a message saying, “Switched off’. Banta : Nahi Pape that’s my ‘Hello Tune ’. Ek baar ek train chalte-chalte achanak kheton mein ghus gayi... Sub upar niche ho gaya... sare log idhar dar gaye... Koi idhar gira koi udhar gira... Subko laga pata nahin ab kya hoga... magar thodi der mein train wapas patri par aa gayi aur thodi der mein ruk gayi. Logon ne socha driver se jaakar poochhte hain kya hua tha... Jaakar dekha to driver ek sardar tha... Jub usse poocha ki gaadi achanak kheton mein kaise ghus gayi to papaji bole, "O ji kuchh nahin, ik banda haath khade karke patri vich khada si... “logon ka dimag kharab ho gaya... Ek bola "Aur tune ek aad mi ko bachane ke liye itne saare logon ki jaan khatre mein daal di... Kuchal dena tha saale ko... " Sardarji bole... "Main te wohi kar rea si... par wo banda khetan wich ghus gaya." It was Santa's wedding anniversary. Preeto: Shal...
Higher studies
2007-08-03 19:58:00 A blonde was sitting on a mountain peak and studying. A passer by asked her, "What are you doing?" Blonde: Higher studies. I dialled a wrong number and asked, "Please can I speak to Joey?" The other person said, "I don't think so. He is only two months old." I said, "Never mind. I'll wait". More About: Studies , Dies
How to 'look' busy
2007-08-03 19:57:00 1. Never walk without a document in your hands People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2. Use computers to look busy Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you “will” get caught .Your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus savi... More About: Look , Busy
Babysitter
2007-08-03 19:56:00 Q: Who sits on babies? A: A babysitter. Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: His mother was caught in a jam! Q: Why did the child study in the aeroplane? A: He wanted a higher education! Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? A: She wanted to stretch her legs. Q:Why do cows like being told jokes ? A: Because they like being amoosed ! More About: Babys , Sitter
Wonderful compliments
2007-08-03 19:55:00 Dad to Son: When I beat u how do you control your anger? Son: I start cleaning the toilet. Dad: How does that satisfy you? Son: I clean it with your tooth brush. A Noble Award winner dedicated his novel to his wife and wrote- "This book is dedicated to my wife because in her absence I could complete it.” Think positive... look at the world as a huge chocolate cake. It would not be complete without a few sweets & nuts, sweets like me & nuts like you! More About: Wonderful , Compliments
Difference between confidence and confidential
2007-08-03 19:54:00 Son asks father difference between ‘confidence’ and ‘confidential’. Dad says: You are my son, I am confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential. If more than one mouse is mice...then more than one spouse is SPICE! More About: Confidence , Difference , Ferenc , Ween , Diff
All about Marriage without Prejudice!
2007-08-03 19:52:00 Man: Is there any way to live a long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but you’ll never think of living a long life! Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! Wife: Darling , it’s our anniversary today. What should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. Aadmi shaadi kyon karta hai? Takee vo marne ke baad agar Swarg jaye to achcha feel kare aur agar Nark jaye to homely feel kare... Having a crush is like having a cigar...it starts with a flame, continues with a glow and dies in ashes...but who cares if one is a chain smoker! More About: Dice , Prejudice
Good calculation
2007-08-03 19:50:00 Good Calculation: Only 20% boys have brains.Rest have Girlfriends. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. A tactful wife is the one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman! More About: Good
Violanist and non-violanist
2007-08-03 19:40:00 What is the difference between Kunikudi Vaidyanathan and Gandhiji ? One is a violanist, the other is a non-violanist! One Mallu is a coconut stall. Two Mallus is a boat race. Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket. Four Mallus is an oil slick. One Tam-Brahm is a priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple. Two Tam-Brahms is a maths tuition class. Three Tam-Brahms is a queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.. Four Tam-Brahms is a Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara. More About: Lani , Viol , Viola
video
2007-08-02 18:47:00 Code --><embed src="http://www.adbrite.com/player/a bplayer.swf" flashVars="vid=967745" quality="best" bgcolor="#ffffff" width="468" height="400" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="sameDomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash& quot; pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.c om/go/getflashplayer"></embed& gt; More About: Video
lonelygirl15
2007-08-02 18:37:00 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIh3fYJpVH s More About: Lone , Lonely
Too Enthusiastic
2007-07-31 21:11:00 Too EnthusiasticAn enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him wit...
Signs That You're Broke
2007-07-31 21:10:00 Signs That You're BrokeAt communion you go back for seconds. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice. McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. More About: Signs
Red Lights
2007-07-01 14:38:00 My friend Joe and I were crusing down the street in Joe's new car, when we came to an intersection. Even though we had the red light, he drove right through, nearly hitting a passing car. "What the heck are you doing, Joe!" I asked him after I had regained my wits. "Bill always does it," he replied calmly. A block later was another red, but Joe pushed the petal to the metal, almost killing us. "Bill always does it," he said again. At the next intersection we had a green light, and Joe slammed on the brakes. "Your supposed to go," I told him. "Get going!" "But Bill might be coming!" he exclaimed. More About: Lights
Death Row
More articles from this author:2007-07-01 14:36:00 A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you." The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution." "Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?" "The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!" More About: Death 1, 2, 3 |
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