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Gerrie Hugo

Gerrie Hugo
Africa Will Always Break Your Heart is the title of my book. My blog is aimed at people with a sense of humour but I do address issues like the current situation in South Africa

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Articles

Icky creatures in need of squashing
2008-02-21 16:32:00
I’ve been putting this off for quite a while but I need to air my views about a slimy, idiotic, repulsive breed called racists. In South Africa it does not take much for them to come out of the woodwork. Just give them a crisis and out they pop. They have now become so bold that they even venture out of their closed newsgroups onto forums usually reserved for sane people. Any criticism of the government or ANC leadership somehow leads these creatures to believe that they have a green light to spew forth their hate speech. According to their pedestrian reasoning you automatically become “one of them” just because you address the shortcomings of political leaders. That really makes my skin crawl. They just don’t get it. I do not deal with race in my criticism. I do not believe in white supremacy or black inferiority and I would like to see them and their kind forced to colonise Jupiter without the luxury of spacesuits. They make me want to embark on a severe bout of proje...
More About: Creatures , Icky

Newsflash! Intercept of CIA briefing
2008-02-19 17:09:00
See we told President Kennedy that commie bastard would not last in Cuba.

Rainbow Nation and other Illusions
2008-02-19 14:50:00
A rainbow does not exist. It is an optical illusion. A magic trick of Mother Nature beautiful to behold but that’s the only way you can experience it. The same applies for the Rainbow Nation of South Africa as it’s an illusion and just window-dressing for the rest of the world. It remains a dream and a tangible thing it is not. Anyone who states differently is lying. They are bullshitting and they all know it. Still, they would rather die than admit to failure. They will patronizingly tell you that they are busy with “nation-building” while they widely practice racism and bigotry. Theirs is a noble quest not to be questioned. Especially not by the likes of me that decided to leave because I prefer not to be murdered by criminals. You see, according to them, plain common sense now equates a traitor and racist. Because I opted to leave South Africa when the opportunity was offered I am a bad, very bad person. The ones that do not have the means or opportunity are now acting...
More About: Illusions

It might not be a crappy idea...
2008-02-10 15:57:00
David Bullard’s blog about the ANC and their fondness of glorifying the struggle heroes, past and present really got my creative juices flowing. Of course the ANC has all the right in the world to rename streets, cities, airports etc. They are after all the glorious conquerors of apartheid. History will always be written by the victorious. However, the electorate is under siege. The people have very little to smile about and the ANC leadership is rapidly sliding into disfavour. Something can and should be done about this. I would herewith like to submit a few ideas to the ANC on how to popularize the current leadership once more. I ask for nothing in return but would not frown upon a presidential pardon coming my way. Instead of erecting statues at great cost and pissing off people with name changes I would like to suggest the following: · A range of small (approx 5 cm high) lead figurines should be fabricated. This should include the most prominent ANC leaders and th...
More About: Idea

A time for prayer
2008-02-07 09:07:00
O, God! Despite a great many prayers to You we are continually losing our wars. Tomorrow we shall again be fighting a battle that is truly great. With all our might we need Your help and that is why I must tell You something: This battle tomorrow is going to be a serious affair. There will be no place for children. Therefore I must ask You not to send Your Son to help us. Come Yourself. The prayer of Koq, leader of the Griquas tribe, before a battle with the Afrikaners in 1876.
More About: Time , Prayer

I don’t intend moving
2008-01-27 13:17:00
I have a wonderful view from my home office window. I often catch myself daydreaming and staring at the park and the wooded area with up-market housing in the distance. Today the view is absolutely breathtaking. Everything is green. It is a bright sunny day without any breeze blowing. One can tell from the motionless national flags that most fly with pride. The temperature is about 7 degrees Celsius as it has been every day for the past couple of weeks. People are out in numbers enjoying the wonderful weather and flora. Apparently the wild mushrooms are available in abundance. Roses are budding in the Southern part of this country, lovely! So what is wrong with this picture? It is Jan 27th, 2008, in the middle of winter in Stockholm. The snow should be at least a meter thick with an average temperature of minus 12 to minus 15 degrees Celsius. (Minus 25 degrees Celsius is not uncommon for this time of year) It should also be grey and overcast as almost to be dark. Is this glob...
More About: Moving

Long Live the Dead
2008-01-27 12:13:00
I decided to become a spokesperson for the dead. We hear too little from them. They get exploited by so-called mediums as well as TV-personalities and nobody deems it fit to challenge their point of view. Enough I say. From now on I will fight for the rights of our dearly departed and endeavor to make exploitation of the said group as unfashionable as seal clubbing. They have basic rights to decency and privacy, something that everyone seems to ignore. I find it immensely satisfying that my grandparents and parents are now being exposed as blatant bloody liars. They were the ones that repeatedly told me that no such thing as “ghosts” exist and I knew all along that they were lying. (I’ll bet anything that they were silently shit-scared themselves when telling me not to be silly) I’ve always been a little bit fey and have grown used to my “friends” showing up at all times and hanging around, reading over my shoulder when I type. The telltale signs of activity is normall...
More About: Live , Dead , Long

Time flies when you’re having fun
2008-01-17 11:53:00
Hi, I’m back. I wish I had a sexy excuse like participating in a campaign of rolling mass action to bring a dictatorship to its knees forcing it not only to the negotiation table but also towards democratic elections and implementation of basic human rights. Mass-action that includes but is not restricted to; civil-disobedience, consumer boycotts, strikes, stay-aways, protest marches and yes, limited armed action. In effect a low-level civil-war that takes up all of one’s time and keeps one away from cyberspace. However, I do not have that excuse. I suffered from SAD (winter depression) and also had a major computer crash which made me decide to hell with it all. I thus went into a lazy sulk and could not be bothered to try and network or keep in touch with my friends. (I lost more than 200 gigabyte of music that was not backed up anywhere else. We are talking about 33000 albums so it’s no wonder I’m a bit fed-up. More than 80% of it was old rock and roll that one cannot...
More About: Time , Flies

A Suggestion to you Thought Leaders in South Africa
2007-11-27 15:18:00
Here's a thought.Let us start a debate about something that really matters in South Africa . As far as I know the President is not dead nor has he achieved Divine status and thus in need of 3rd party intervention to be able to communicate with his mortal subjects.He can speak for himself.As a public servant that gets paid a lot of money he needs to get his head out of his backside and state his case.I could not care a rat’s arse who is right in this flaming debate about what Thabo Mbeki thinks about AIDS.It does not matter.As it now stands it’s a self-serving exercise of promoting books by authors and would be authors alike.It turned into a competition to see who can quote themselves the most and is not unlike an argument amongst little kids stating: “Ignore him, look at me and how clever I am.”These self-proclaimed intellectuals (and yes there is proof of that as well) forget that many definitions perceive intellectuals as impervious to propaganda, indoctrination, and self-...
More About: South Africa , Thought , Suggestion

Intellectual or Charlatan?
2007-11-24 13:49:00
What makes a person an intellectual?To us plebs it’s one of those words that you’re sure you know exactly what it means but ultimately, when asked to explain, don’t. I asked a few friends in my local pub what they thought it meant. The responses varied from ‘clever and different’ to ‘clever and trying to get a message across.’ All had romantic connotations with the term and conjured up images of Soviet dissidents and other opinion formers that brought about change to society. To my friends the term implies ‘somebody clever that tries to bring about change for the good.’ They also defined it as someone with a superior intellect. When asked to explain how this intellect is measured they were all at loss for an answer.According to Wikipedia, which I will quote generously, “an intellectual is one who tries to use his or her intellect to work, study, reflect, speculate, or ask and answer questions about a wide variety of different ideas.” This definition seemed a bi...
More About: Intellectual

SAD Can Kill You
2007-11-19 14:55:00
I need to explain why I have been so quiet of lateI’ve been living in the Northern hemisphere for more than five years now. Winters with snow were a novelty for a Boertjie from the Southern tip of Africa. So what if it gets minus 25 degrees Celsius? You can dress up warm and don’t have to be out in the elements for more than a few minutes at a time. That however, wears off and after four winters one begins to swear along with the rest the moment it starts getting colder.Sweden has the highest suicide rate in the world. A lot of people scoff at this and blame it on Swedish efficiency i.e. Sweden was the first country in the world that kept statistics of suicides. The rest of the world is only starting to wake up now and their records thus not as up to date as the Swedes.Another reason put forward for the high suicide figures is SAD. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) A terrible depression brought on by the lack of daylight. Over and above the feeling of utter worthlessness one strug...
More About: Kill

I Am Blessed
2007-11-10 13:49:00
I am one lucky bastard. So far this month I’ve won the e-mail lottery for seven different countries. They just keep on rolling in. I’ve lost track of my winnings and need to start claiming as my winning tickets will expire soon. I am worth millions!Over and above my lottery winnings (that I never bought a ticket for) my honesty and secrecy started paying off as well. No less than four widows of prominent African leaders have approached me to help out with a financial venture. I can not share the details because of a confidentiality clause but rest assured that I’m going to get a bumper sticker that reads: “fuck the poor”I’m going to spend some of my winnings to have my penis enlarged. I think I’ll buy treatment for enough sessions to gain about 30 cms in length. I don’t want to be greedy and don’t need more. I will also buy up all the Viagra and Cialis stocks available on the market. I will use this monopoly to boost my retirement fund.Do people really fall for the...
More About: Blessed

F#¤&!$G Applications on Facebook
2007-11-07 15:24:00
Pox on the next one that sends me an invitation to another useless shitty application on Facebook .May the fleas of a thousand camels seek refuge in your pubic hair!May your fingers turn into fish-hooks and may you develop an unbearable itch in your crotch!Get the message?Enough with this crap!I do not need to be invited to the application to; “kick a friend in the goonads and then hold him down to search for blackheads on his arse.”If you want to send me drinks then use PayPal. Either directly to me or to my local. I will gladly forward you the particulars.Jösses people!Grow up!You do not need an application to tell someone you love and miss them.Remember words?Use them.
More About: Applications

An Attempt at Prayer
2007-11-03 18:46:00
Hi God,I’m new at this prayer business so bear with my efforts. I do not believe in any form of religion so I can not go and ask for advice at places of worship. I do however believe in a Creator (You). In my quest to do this right I did do a search on the web for examples of prayers. I found various sites sporting prayers and letters to you and your son. Most were preposterous pleadings for help and I can not bring myself to believe that, that is what you want to hear. I will thus state my case in my normal manner and hope it meets with your approval.How are things with the universe and all of that quantum physics that makes it work? Rather you than me because maths was never my strongest subject at school and I find black-holes as well time-worms if not boring somewhat frightening. Supernovas and all of that exploding as well as imploding is more my style. Give me a good chunk of anti-matter any day and you’ll see what happens to my enemies.Please accept my belated congratulat...
More About: Prayer , Temp

This Made Me Think
2007-11-03 15:30:00
I got this per e-mail.Imagine who would have such taste and live in such opulence?An American Billionaire?A Saudi Prince?Louis XIV of France?Savor the pictures then scroll to the bottom of the page to see who owns this Work of Art.This Mansion is in Harare and belongs to: The President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe -a maniac, mass-murderer whose people are starving while he siphons millions into his own pockets.And the world, including closest neighbor South Africa stands by and watches.C'mon Mbeki! Wake up!
More About: Made

Shooting the Bull
2007-11-01 11:38:00
I have a PhD that served me well over the years. No, not a doctorate but a well developed “Pooh Detector” that acted like a guardian angel and kept me at arms length from objectionable material most of the time. However, I just read an excerpt from “Fit to Govern.”I never knew so many sophisticated and ambiguous expressions existed.I’m going get me a copy and read a page every night to help me fall asleep.As I still struggle with difficult terms in English like “is” and “was” I decided to write my adaptation of “Fit to Govern.”My effort is not mystifying. All it entails is a comparison between political proficiency (capacity to govern) and marksmanship.I thus put forward my version of “Fit to Govern”, exemplified by how well the politicians in question can shoot. (My account makes for so much easier reading.)This is how I see it:Nelson Mandela — will always be number one sniper to be deployed in the most desperate of situations when one needs to get the j...
More About: Shooting , Bull , Shoot

Shock! Horror! Is Mbeki Lying?
2007-10-28 13:30:00
Fortunately I’m not the type of person that would refer to the president of a country as “a fucking unrepentant liar that should be strung up by his feet.”Thanks goodness for that else this Blog would have been full of expletives and derogatory statements.However, someone is lying.You decide who it is.In the green corner we have Thabo Mbeki the president of South Africa and the ANC who is clearly busy with election campaigning and stating that GEAR (Growth, Employment and Redistribution Strategy) was making steady progress in meeting the basic needs of poor people. Things are thus improving according to Mbeki as reported in this article dated October 26th.In the red corner we have Zwelinzima Viva the General Secretary of COSATU. (Congress of South African Trade Unions) who maintains that GEAR has led to the scandalous situation of a supposedly "booming" economy that left 40% of workers unemployed.Viva also said that: “Unemployed and casual workers were better off under apart...
More About: Horror , Shock , Lying

The Week After
2007-10-27 14:21:00
One week after winning the Rugby World Cup what does one find?Winning the trophy did not cure one case of AIDS in South Africa and neither did it make a dent in the crime statistics. Lucky Dube is still dead and children are still abused sexually in startling high numbers.Politicians are still corrupt and the president himself still covers for these criminals by interfering in the judicial process. Judges still defeat justice and seem to get away with it.The Daily Dispatch newspaper still can not get their Saturday edition online in time and their editorial staff still acts like spoilt brats about it i.e. They ignore the problem.Race relations are at an all time low and investors are starting to have their doubts about South Africa.Robert Mugabe is still a saint and no plans for an invasion to topple him from power are on the cards yet.The government is still screwing with your screwing by not producing a trustworthy condom.Eish!Anyone having second thoughts about elevating Mbeki to...
More About: Week

The South African Rubber Scandal
2007-10-25 16:26:00
Only in South Africa, a place where one sometimes can believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast, or a place where Urban Legends are actually true!Herewith a rough translation from a Swedish Newspaper article dated October 25th: (It is not known whether these things were reported in the South African media at the time.)For the second time within an embarrassingly short space of time, the South African Ministry of Health has been forced to withdraw from the market no less than 5 million condoms. The rubber used was simply not up to standard and the weasel went “pop” on a regular basis. One can only imagine the anger, surprise and horror amongst those using these defect “safety measures.”But to say that the condoms were withdrawn from “the market” is a bit of a misnomer. Most, if not all, were handed out for free at clinics, hospitals and places of employment in a somewhat futile exercise to prevent unwanted pregnancies and the spreading of HIV.The previous ...
More About: Scandal , Rubber

Screwing is More Important than Rugby
2007-10-25 12:38:00
South African rugby fans might be horrified to learn that the only mention of South Africa this past week in Swedish media have been an article about the forced withdrawal of 5 million sub standard condoms by the Ministry for Health.The articles continue to state that this is the second time that the Ministry for Health has been forced to take back condoms that do not meet the standards of the World Health Organisation and hint at corruption as a reason for the poor quality of the condoms. The previous condom-retraction was as recent as in August where a civil servant overlooked the poor quality, for a back-hand, thus making a nice addition to his normal income.The South African Government has placed an order with 8 different companies for the manufacturing of 850 million condoms for the coming 2 years. (R180 million)We live in fucking interesting times.Trust the Swedes to put things into perspective.Screwing is far more important than rugby.
More About: Rugby

The World Cup and Human Senses
2007-10-22 14:08:00
Let us get one thing straight from the outset. Commentators that do not know the rules of the game should not be allowed to spread propaganda to a nation and have everybody up in arms with “we’ve been done in.” The effort by Mark Cueto was not a try. His foot was clearly on the touchline long before the ball got grounded. End of story.Scienctists now maintain that humans have more than five senses and I am all for it. I can think of a few more. We have movement detection as well as heat sensors and whether the critics want to admit it or not some people do have the ability to communicate with the dead. However, to state that rugby players have the ability to detect when it’s a try or not is pushing things a bit. Mark Cueto should go and preach that to the lost tribes in the Amazon who still worship toenail clippings. He could feel it was a try my arse.A score of at least 19 to 3 would also be a more accurate reflection of the game. By all rights South Africa should have been...
More About: World Cup , World , Human , The World

The Fever Called Rugby
2007-10-19 17:31:00
Hmmm…Even I now have the rugby world cup fever here in Sweden. What a lovely fever it is! The only cure seems to be the intake of copious amounts of cold beer. I have already told my wife and kids to do all their talking to me now and get it over and done with because none will be allowed tomorrow night. I really am looking forward to this clash.With all this excitement my mind started wandering and soon it took me back to the times of isolation of South Africa. The days when the Curry Cup final was the biggest event on the sporting calendar and provincialism was second only to religion. Hell, relationships failed during this time of the year because she/he supported the wrong province.In the early 70’s the Free State Stadium, in Bloemfontein, was not the glowing monument to King Rugby as it is today. Even though the size of it was impressively huge one got reminded of the fact that it was still a simple affair. Its temporary stands brought you closer to your Maker during a stro...
More About: Fever

Dit Raak Weer Winter
2007-10-04 16:58:00
Note: This post is for all my friends in South Africa so don’t even bother to try and read it if you do not understand “the code” called Afrikaans.Dit raak weer winter in hierdie plek so vêr van die huis af.Ek gee nie juis om nie en pas goed aan veral met die Sweedse winter voorplantings rituele. Laat dit dan maar minus 25 grade celsius word. Ek klim glad nie uit die bed uit nie.Laas winter besluit ek toe mos om die tieners ŉ ding of twee te wys. As hulle kan “snowboard” dan kan ek ook.Fok die feit dat ek reeds 52 winters agter my naam het. Snowboard sal ek ry!So gesê, so gedaan. Ons vertrek toe mos na die “slope” in Stockholm waar almal hulle Viking agtergrond uitlewe. Kinderjies wat skaars kan loop, ski jou uit die grond uit as jy nie goed oplet nie.Ons vat toe die “ski-lift” op die “advanced slope” want vir wat wil ŉ boer nou sukkel met beginners se kak.Bo gekom, “strap” ek toe hierdie gedoente aan my voete vas en met ŉ ”honderd meter se moer” b...
More About: Winter

Raising Your Hands to Your Father (1978)
2007-09-20 11:01:00
Excerpt no 6 : Africa Will Always Break Your HeartOne Friday night returning from the pub I found my brother and a girlfriend visiting my folks. They had driven from Pretoria as Bloemfontein University had no medical faculty at the time and Pretoria was the closest. I was in a dark mood because of a situation at work and needed the support of my family.“Evening all. Boy, did I have a rough day.”I must have interrupted my brother in mid-sentence. He brushed me off:“Shut up. We’re busy talking.”“Go and fuck yourself!”I retaliated.I went to the backroom to collect a few belongings before leaving to spend the weekend with a few girlfriends. I was disgusted and hurt as nobody recognised that I needed a patient ear and shoulder to cry on.My father followed me and started pushing me about.“You will now explain this conflict between your brother and yourself! You will do it now!”He shouted at me, acting as if he was not aware that he was largely to blame for the sibling ri...
More About: Hands , Father , Our Father , Fath

What a Week
2007-09-15 13:11:00
I attended a PTA meeting and had a good look around at all the old people. Where did they all come from and why are they all so old? These are the parents of my child’s classmates. My God! They are so old. And then I realised that I look the same way.A week that brought me back into contact with family members I have not seen or heard from for over 35 years. The startling realisation that I actually do care what they think of me.A week that made my break ties with a good friend in cyberspace because I realised that I will always be the “punch bag” when this friend feels under the weather and that I do not appreciate this fact.A week that had “sane” people up in arms because they forgot that my Blog is aimed at people with a sense of humour.A week that made me realise that my psychiatrist might be right and that things might get worse before they get better.Winter is also approaching.Thanks God for international rugby and cricket!
More About: Week

Howzat!
2007-09-09 19:42:00
Praise all the Nordic gods in the Viking Pantheon of Valhalla. At last South Africa have got something else than crooked politicians to fill their news headlines with. I’m talking about a much higher calling than politics i.e. international cricket and rugby.Let those smug, silly, pretentious specimens called politicians be. Only they labour under the delusion that the rest of the world takes them serious.Let us mortals escape into the realm of sport for the sake of sanity.It reminds me of a story about a farmer who’s never being more than 20 km’s away from the “throbbing metropolis” called Pofadder in his entire life. One day he got invited by a friend to come and visit in Johannesburg and as luck would have it arrived on the very same day that an international cricket match started.This is his story:…I arrived in Johan se Berg early that morning after a whole night of smelling other people’s farts on a Greyhound buss.By fuck, it was just people as far as one could se...

Review: Azaria Mbatha
2007-09-07 16:01:00
Reviewing and/or taking on the role as a critic of a self-published book such as The Roaring Lion and Wedding Bells – In the Heart of Tigers and Leopards by Azaria J. C. Mbatha is indeed a very serious thing. As reviewer and author I am expected to play with open cards and hopefully do my work honestly and well.I fully admit that Azaria Mbatha might be way ahead of me and have a much better grasp of life than what I have. I also hope that he has a cult following as he has been published before. It is said about self-published books that they on average sell 300 copies. Let’s hope Mr Mbatha reaches this figure.I have no doubt that the author put his heart and soul into this work but to describe it as page turning prose is a bit too rich for me. Maybe it was written in another language as Mr Mbatha is a South African of seemingly Zulu descent and the beauty and richness might have gotten lost in the translation. I don’t know. All I do know is that I have to review this work, wri...
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Marketing Medicine for Maniacs
2007-09-04 10:06:00
It takes a special type of person to not only read the enclosed instructions in any form of medication but to actually understand it. No doubt hypochondriacs stand to gain the most out of these detailed instructions as they spell out all the symptoms associated with the ailment. It conjures up an image of a person memorising symptoms to use the next time he sees a doctor.But to get back to the medication; you first buy it, then read the instructions and realise, yup; this is definitely what I’m suffering from, so I need this treatment. It’s a good thing I bought it.That however, is not the issue I want to address. My problem is that even something serious as medication falls prey to advertising jargon that just confuses the consumer.Let’s take the Nicotinell I’m currently using in my effort to stop smoking as an example. A listed side effect is mild diarrhoea.What is a mild diarrhoea and how did they ascertain that?Was a survey conducted and they then just used the opinions ...
More About: Marketing , Medicine

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