Johnny Oops

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Excerpt From The Novel Johnny Oops - Growing Up
2007-11-02 00:36:00
CHAPTER 10 – GROWING UP Things appear to be returning to what passes for normal around these parts. Alice and I have been readmitted to school. I have learned to curb my appetite for delivering sermons. In fact I have learned many lessons over the past year. The school term is nearly over and I am about to be fifteen. In true anti-climatic fashion, nothing terrible has occurred since my touchy, feely white paper eruption. But surreptitiously a lot has changed. I am getting older and under Alice’s tutelage much more mature. There is practically nothing I don’t comprehend and very little that I cannot do. I don’t claim to be perfect yet, but I am a true genius. I feel that I am beginning to fulfill my promise. That fact is no longer in dispute. I don’t spend all my time with Alice or in the bathroom anymore. Sometimes I get lost in introspection. I need my quiet time to develop some of the philosophies that come charging into and out of my head. That’s a developmental char...
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Is It Illusion Or Reality?
2007-10-30 21:42:00
As the main character in a fictional novel called Johnny Oops who is suffering under the delusion that I am real, I know a lot about the difference between illusion and reality. After all, I am the author of this piece.Some of you may suffer under the illusion that you are real, but I am here to put forth the proposition that it is you that is suffering under an illusion. You are operating in a dream like state. You have deluded yourself into thinking that the space and time you occupy is real, but it really isn’t. As Buddha would say according to my interpretation of Deepak Chopra’s statements in his new book called, BUDDHA, you have to awaken in order to be real and to find enlightenment.How do you know that you are awake and not simply dreaming? How can you excite your senses to the point that you can redefine a new reality for yourself? These are not easy questions to answer. These are not easy problems to solve. It will take all your will and effort to awake to the new real...
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Mind Meld of The Magic Genies To Save The World
2007-10-29 19:54:00
The conflict between the East And The West is coming. What can we do to stop the final bombs from falling? Is the end of times inevitable or can we find a better way?“Stretched across the vast ineptitude of my soul, I see the ever present temptation of resurrection. I can take no more of new beginnings. Can you not see how vague is our horizon? Doesn’t the glare of mankind’s failure wrench you from your thoughts of a better tomorrow? Glorious, my irascible Magic Genie brother, where are we in the cosmic theme of things? What is there left for us to do? Standing here on a transparent cloud of nature’s quirky design, what can we hope to find in the future? When will God tell us what to do?”“My old friend Gali, my magical soul mate, my Magic Genie brother, you are as ever the old world philosopher. We can try again. We can search for a better time. We have less than nothing else to do. We can put our minds together and deduce a new beginning, if not at the very beginning, a...
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GRANDMA’S SECRET POTION OF FAITH
2007-10-28 14:06:00
This is a true story about my Grandma. She had a secret way of communicating with God. Johnny Oops and I, Arthur Levine, thought you might enjoy it at this time of the year.Grandma Jenny slipped shoveling snow off the front steps of our home in the midst of a fearsome snow storm at the age of ninety-six and broke her hip. She was a feisty little woman who weighed only ninety-five pounds and stood four feet-nine inches tall. The shovel was bigger than Grandma. You might wonder why she was out shoveling snow early in the morning at her advanced age, but it was part of her stubborn and cantankerous nature. And it was a part of her tradition. She didn’t want my father going to work and getting his feet wet in the snow. It was a matter of respect for the man of the house. It was a matter of faith in her traditions. It was her way.Grandma was from the old country – Russia to be specific. She came to the United States as a girl of fourteen traveling for fifteen days on a tramp steamer,...
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Thanksgiving: All Alone At Home
2007-10-24 14:44:00
You might well ask what’s so special about having a turkey sandwich on Thanksgiving , but it is who it came from and how it was made that’s special. In fact it was the best turkey sandwich that I Johnny Oops the prophet, and a fictional character in a novel by the same name ever had, if you can believe that. You see I was all alone at home and feeling sad and lonely.I was resigned to spending Thanksgiving alone in Rancho Santa Fe, California. Sarhara, my wife, was visiting her father, The Kabalistic Rabbi Frenbren, in France to introduce him to our twin baby prophets – Darling and Delicious. Yes we just had baby girls; did I forget to tell you? It happened so fast. Anyway I was lonely. I don’t like feeling lonely on the holidays, what about you?The truth is I felt lost shuffling around this huge house of mine all by myself. I had given the staff off for the holidays, and the silence was deafening. Then I heard the doorbell ring. I ran to the door my heart pulsing fast, hoping...
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Dealing with Fires And Other Natural Disasters
2007-10-23 20:23:00
HAVE YOU FOUND YOUR FAITH?Do you have enough faith in God to help you cope with the troubles of our time?Are you a good and worthwhile person who is entitled to find God’s grace?When was the last time you prayed to God for the peace of mind to make you feel secure?Today we are bombarded by natural disasters such as fire storms, and acts of terrorism. How can we hope to cope with the insecurity of our time if we don’t have faith in God and in His goodness and mercy?I’m not talking about the faith that we salve ourselves with by going to a Church or Mosque or Temple. I am talking about the true feelings of your heart and mind.Are you really a person of faith?Do you practice what is preached to you?Are you kind and caring to other people?Do you truly love your fellow man?Are you willing to accept your neighbors right to believe in God in his or her own way?It is only by answering these questions positively that we can hope to become people of faith.It is only by trusting in God a...
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Too Old To Fail Again
2007-10-23 01:19:00
I know this is going to sound crazy to you, but genius prophets like me, Johnny Oops, age much more rapidly than normal folks. It’s something in our genius genes I think. They are much too aggressive. The result is that as youngsters we grow up both physically and mentally much sooner than others, and then as we hit our prime we start to age much quicker than normal people. It isn’t obvious to you in my physical appearance, but the truth is that I am actually 199 years old in purely human terms. Don’t let it worry you. I will probably be around forever, but there is always a chance that my almost infinite lifespan will be cut short by you know Who if I do something that really displeases Him.That is why, I CANNOT AFFORD TO FAIL. Did you hear me? At my age failing again simply isn’t an option. I might not get another chance. It was okay when I was a youngster to screw up once in a while. It showed my human side, but now that I am more prophet than human, it isn’t so cute an...

Talking Politics With Twin Baby Prophets
2007-10-20 16:32:00
Darling and Delicious, the twin baby prophets of Sarhara and her husband the prophet Johnny Oops, had a secret that they shared. Although they were only three months old, because they had genius genes, they had the minds of grown up women, and they regularly argued over politics telepathically. The trouble is that Darling was a republican, and Delicious was a democrat. They argued incessantly over conservative verses liberal points of view. Please keep in mind that their views were not those of normally mature women, but these young ladies were determined to solve the major political problems of the United States.Darling: “We have got to do something about our long term deficit. We have got to balance the budget. Spending is going wild.Delicious: That’s your fault. You republicans are supposed to be the ones who control the budget and are tough on spending.Darling: We can’t help it. This war is costing a fortuneDelicious: Who started the war to begin with? I told you it’s yo...
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CHAPTER 1 -- I’M A GENIUS
2007-10-20 14:21:00
You can’t stop the future from happening. You can only alter the reality of it. That’s where I come in. I’m a philosopher genius. I can effect change. My real name is Jonathan Wilbert, but everyone calls me Johnny Oops because I’m a clumsy twelve-years-old who is always knocking things over and saying, “Oops.” I may have the gangly body of a 5 foot 2 inch tall 95-pound awkward boy, but I have the mind of a genius. My I. Q. is off the wall. I’m not one of those nerdy mathematical geniuses or a piano impresario. I’m a philosopher genius on the style of Nietze or perhaps Freud. He hated mothers too, didn’t he? My father is a political science professor at Yale University. He holds some kind of Chair or something. I say why bother. My mother has a PHD from Radcliff College in Behavioral Science. She hates me because I interrupted her career; fat chance of that being the truth. She thinks I’m strange. I guess she thinks she learned something from all those liberal...
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Excerpt From The Novel Johnny Oops
2007-10-18 14:00:00
The following is an excerpt from my novel – Johnny Oops. From time to time I will post a little excerpt to tantalize you and create a desire on your part to read more. I’m not only a prophet, I’m a marketing genius, don’t you agree? The reason I am not giving you the rest of the first chapter right now is that it has a fairly high sexual content. If that's okay with you, look for part 2 in a few days.CHAPTER 1 -- I’M A GENIUS You can’t stop the future from happening. You can only alter the reality of it. That’s where I come in. I’m a philosopher genius. I can effect change. My real name is Jonathan Wilbert, but everyone calls me Johnny Oops because I’m a clumsy twelve-years-old who is always knocking things over and saying, “Oops.” I may have the gangly body of a 5 foot 2 inch tall 95-pound awkward boy, but I have the mind of a genius. My I. Q. is off the wall. I’m not one of those nerdy mathematical geniuses or a piano impresario. I’m a philosopher g...

Johnny And Sarhara Have Baby Prophets
2007-10-15 15:17:00
One day Johnny noticed that Sarhara had gotten big as a house. He asked her what happened to her. She said she was going to tell him anyway, but wanted to see if he noticed.“Noticed what?” he said.“That I am pregnant you idiot. That’s what you didn’t notice. What kind of prophet are you anyway if you don’t even know when your wife is pregnant? We are going to have little twin prophets running around this house, God help me. I knew I shouldn’t have fooled around with you any more after that Dixie Kup escapade, but I just can’t help myself. Now see what you’ve done.”Johnny responded. “It’s a miracle. This was to be expected. You should be very happy.”“I’ll be happy when you are changing their diapers, not me.”“Never happen my dear, I am a prophet. Such things are beneath me.”With this last statement Sarhara gave Johnny a swift kick in his shins and proceeded to throw up on the breakfast room table. Johnny said such things were to be expected again a...
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Staring Into the Face Of Death On Halloween
2007-10-09 22:33:00
The face was all black and marbled and cracked. It had thin ridges protruding near the cheekbones with the hint of dried blood seeping out of them. I suppose at my age you get used to these things because I wasn’t scared; well maybe just a little bit. I am twelve years old and a boy genius. I know when someone is trying to fake me out, and yet this damn face looked real somehow. The worst part was that it was right in my face. I guess I was too nervous to rip it off and expose another young guy like me out for some Halloween pranks and candy. The part that really scared me was that it kept following me. Why was it after me? What had I done?I tried to run away from it; dodging and weaving down a side alley a few blocks from my home, but no matter what I did, or how fast I ran, it stayed right in my face. I yelled out at it.I said, “Get away from me. You’re not real. You are just trying to scare me and screw up my mind. I have your number. You’re a phony. I’m not scared of y...
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The Prophet’s Wife
2007-10-08 18:36:00
Sarhara stormed into Johnny’s office/den in Rancho Santa Fe, California and screamed at Johnny.“How could you? I trusted you. I believed in you. Where is the bimbo? I want her out of here immediately. I want her fired. I thought I was your one true love. My father warned me about you. He told me you were a bum and a charlatan.”Johnny responded meekly in a low weak voice, “This is your fault. You know I can’t control my urges. Why did you ever hire this blonde bombshell, Dixie Kups? Was it to tempt me? Were you testing my love for you? I guess I have failed miserably, but I still love only you. This Dixie Kups woman means nothing to me. You go ahead and fire her.”Sarhara stormed out of the room to find Dixie and fire her, but she had already left the premises as soon as she heard that Sarhara had arrived. A bigger problem was Sarhara’s father, the Rabbi Frenbren’s demand that Johnny take Kabala out of the name of his religion. She didn’t know how to approach Johnny ...
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The Prophet’s Speech At Both Ways Hokum University
2007-10-06 16:03:00
Johnny strode to the podium with a glare in his eyes as he got set to address the student body at Both Ways Hokum Univers ity in San Francisco, Ca. He was a man with a purpose intent on delivering a message he was convinced had been sent to him by God.He started to rant, “You do not understand, you do not understand. Of course you do not understand, but don’t worry, God came to me in a dream and told me it’s all right. He doesn’t expect us to understand. All we have to do is have faith.”“We are all sinners. Do you hear me? Are you a sinner? Do you understand it’s all right to be a sinner? God came to me in a dream and told me it’s all right because we are all sinners. Do you understand?”“What’s in your hearts? Do you have good intentions? In my dream God told me it’s all right that we are sinners as long as we believe and want to do better. Do you understand?”“My fellow students, my friends, members of my flock, The Dialectic Rationalization of Kabalistic ...
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I Am A Sinner – What About You?
2007-10-05 14:12:00
I don’t know how I get myself into these situations. One moment I am dreaming that God has taken me by the hand, and the next I am giving in to my worst instincts and shacking up with every beautiful woman I meet. Let me tell you what happened.That’s right, I Johnny Oops am a sinner, and I need your help to show me how to stop sinning. Are you a sinner too, or have you learned how to control your urges? This type of illicit activity is unbecoming to a prophet. What will my wife say? What will my flock think? Oh God, where are you when I need your help? This is what happened.It all started innocently enough. We had opened offices – huge mansions in effect – in Rancho Santa Fe California and South Hampton, New York. I had gone to California to entertain and solicit some big Hollywood Moguls, and Sarhara stayed behind in South Hampton to meet and greet the local big donors.Sarhara had evidently hired me a secretary in Rancho Santa Fe by phone interview because I am notoriously...

The Dream That Changed The World
2007-10-03 15:09:00
Johnny woke up in a cold sweat. He had just had a dream that both frightened him and at the same time made him feel wonderful. In his dream he was floating in space in the palm of what he perceived to be a giant Hand. He was able to see and travel through beautiful galaxies all on this gigantic Hand, and he saw the wonders of the world. Johnny remembered asking out loud where he was, and who this Hand belonged to. He remembered the Hand answering him.“Who are you?” Johnny asked.A soft voice answered, “I am the Hand of God.”“Why are you here?” Johnny asked.“I am here because you need enlightenment,” said the voice of God.“I do not understand. Have I done something wrong?”“We all do things wrong. It is not important. What is important is what you intend to do. Do not worry, I know you do not understand.”“I don’t know what I should be doing.”“That is why I am here, to help you find your way.”“When will I know what to do?”“You will know when you a...
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The Dialectic Rationalization Of Kabalistic Materialism: Johnny Oops
2007-10-01 15:40:00
Johnny woke up to a kind of adulation he could only have dreamed of in the past. The episode with God’s Hand lightening bolt had made him famous as a new prophet throughout Europe and the United States. In recognition of the ancient Jewish mystic benefits that his wife Sarhara had persuaded him had helped him become a recognized prophet, he added the name of their religion to his own. Sahara’s father, Rabbi Frenbren, was not sure whether this was to be taken as a blessing or a curse, and retreated into his library to study his ancient Kabala texts in hope of finding an answer. Johnny had no such doubts and returned to the United States, which awaited his arrival with great anticipation.Johnny said, “Look at that Sarhara, there are thousands of our followers waiting to greet us here at the airport. Isn’t this wonderful?”“Yes, yes, it is wonderful,” replied Sahara, tugging at his sleeve. “The people love you, but what do we next?”Johnny smiled and said, “I have a g...
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The Hand Of God Sanctifies Johnny Oops
2007-09-28 14:31:00
Johnny Oops and his bride to be Sahara were standing in front of the Huppa, which in this case was made of while lattice wood covered in beautiful white carnations. The Huppa was a covering or canopy traditionally used in Jewish wedding ceremonies. They were facing Sahara’s father, the Kabalistic Rabbi Fenbren who was conducting the wedding ceremony under the Huppa. In attendance in the garden of Rabbi Fenbren were many important Kabala religious figures from all over the world and some of Johnny’s most powerful friends, and members of his flock in the Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism religion. All told over two hundred and forty people were gathered on the large back lawn of Rabbi Frenbren’s home watching the ceremony in almost total disbelief at this strange, almost weird union in the making of a young upstart would be prophet, and the daughter of the venerable Kabalistic Rabbi Frenbren. Most people though this was not a match made in Heaven until it happened.The yo...
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Johnny The Prophet Meets The Wiseman Of Kabala
2007-09-26 17:07:00
Johnny couldn’t believe it, but he actually felt nervous. Sahara, the love of his life was taking him to meet her father who was the leader of an ancient sect of Jewish mystics who practiced a religion called Kabala. It was a meeting of the old and the new, which would not go well for Sahara or Johnny. The setting was an old stone house surrounded by a high yellow limestone wall in the village of Ez in the South of France. Johnny felt like he had been taken back in time to medieval days. Sahara introduced them and was immediately interrupted by her father, who was dressed in a black velvet robe and faded grey slippers.Rabbi Fabren, a short thin man, said, “greetings young man, who are you to claim to be a prophet? What do you know? Have you studied the ancient texts and leaned the wisdom of our ways? What gives you the right to claim that you have divine guidance and a new religion to share with us? My daughter has told me about you.”Johnny was taken aback, but managed to mum...
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Are You Living In A Virtual Reality World?
2007-09-24 14:35:00
Hi, I’m Johnny Oops and I have a problem. Sometimes I feel like I’m not real. Granted I am a fictional character in a novel by the same name, but I still question my true identity. I question my very existence. In my case I think it is understandable, but what about you? Do you question your existence? Do you know if you are real?Sometimes I feel like we are all bit players in some virtual reality world designed by the master of all out souls. What’s that they say about us all being God’s creatures? What does that mean? Is it possible we are being manipulated in some giant virtual reality game for the pleasure, entertainment, or instruction of some vast intelligence whose capabilities and intentions we cannot even fathom? Is this a test?Sometimes I feel like I am operating in a dream. Other times I feel like I’ve been here before and done that before. Are we virtual characters who are reliving the same program over and over again?Doesn’t it strike you as strange that so ...
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A New Prophet Takes Europe By Storm
2007-09-21 13:59:00
The pool at the Hotel DuCap, in the South of France was the scene for Johnny’s latest lecture on the theme, ‘You Can Take It With You’, which was taking the world by storm. He was addressing a crowd of several hundred of the wealthiest and most important people in Europe . In the audience were the elite of European Society: bankers, politicians, publishers and religious leaders. They were all listening intently hoping to here the secret of how to take it with you when you cross over. All of them had paid a small fortune to be part of the audience, and they were intent on getting their money’s worth. Whether secularist or catholic or protestant, they all wanted a special position in the afterworld and were fully prepared to declare Johnny Oops a prophet if they liked what he said when he revealed the ‘Secret’. These were the people who could spread the word.Sitting in the front row was the most strikingly beautiful young woman Johnny had ever seen. She had bright red hair,...
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You Can Take It With You
2007-09-19 16:10:00
Johnny Oops was sitting in front of the fireplace in his new Rancho Santa Fe, California mansion on a chilly January morning crying uncontrollably. He was pondering how to acquire more followers to his religion, The Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism. He already had several million followers in the United States, but he wanted more. Johnny always wanted more. He was all alone. He was lonely. He wanted someone to share his life. He wanted to have children. He wanted the immortality that having an extended family could grant him. Truth be told he questioned whether he was really a prophet. Johnny wanted so many things, and all he had was money and power and self-doubt.I know I am great. I know my beliefs easily attract people, but why doesn’t a larger portion of the population follow me and my ‘words’ of wisdom? I want to be the biggest guru of them all. I want to be deified as a prophet. I want to be recognized around the world. I want more. I will have to come up with a ...
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Johnny Oops Is Almost Arrested
2007-09-15 18:14:00
Johnny was in the middle of a sermon on religious freedom before a rowdy crowd of almost forty thousand people in Honolulu, Hawaii when enforcement agents of the IRS swooped down on the stage and tried to arrest him for tax evasion on approximately one hundred and forty million dollars of donations, forty million of which was in cash. Jane his girlfriend and an undercover IRS agent who had collected the evidence against him was leading the group of IRS agents with a big smirk on her face.She shouted, “We have got you now, you charlatan, you greedy money grubber, you aren’t even good in bed.”Before the twenty agents and Jane could reach him, Johnny quickly shouted to the crowd over the microphone, “Don’t worry my friends, they are trying to martyr me for my beliefs. What happens next is up to you my followers. It is the will of God, but for whatever I the messenger’s ‘words’ are worth, don’t let them do this. Don’t let the government take away our religious rights...
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Undercover Agent Jane Sets UP Johnny Oops
2007-09-10 21:22:00
The pure blond haired, blue-eyed beauty of his new girlfriend, Jane Overbaring, mesmerized Johnny . She appeared to be willing to do anything Johnny wanted, but was getting on his nerves a little with her constant suggestions of how he should handle the fortune in donations that was flowing in to him and his new religion, The Dialectic Rationalization Of Materialism. Jane was in fact an undercover agent for the IRS who was setting him up to be taken down by the agency for illegally helping himself to a large portion of what was supposed to be his non profit foundation’s money.“Johnny, can you stop that for a minute? I have something serious to discuss with you,” she said.Johnny, lying on his bed, dressed in a short white toga style prophet outfit, was quietly braiding Jane’s long blond hair.“What could be more important than this my pretty,” he asked?Jane, sitting on the edge of the bed dressed in a flimsy white lace negligee said, “I am concerned that you are letting y...
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Global Warming; The Solution
2007-09-07 13:44:00
Johnny Oops was pacing up and down on the raised bandstand floor at a new sports arena in the Meadowlands, New Jersey waiting for the crowd to settle down so that he could start his speech, or should we call it a con?My friends, converts, and members of my flock, we are facing a man made crisis of unequaled proportions. If this keeps up we will be farming rice paddies and cranberry bogs in the swamplands of New Jersey, which will shortly cover more than half the current landmass of the state. New York will be growing oranges instead of apples and sporting palm trees on the less than one quarter of the land mass not covered by the raging ocean which will completely inundate New York City in a Sodom and Gomorrah style wrath of God type event.But do not worry my friends. I have the solution to the Global Warming problem, which is fast melting the Alaska Ice Caps, and will shortly cause a permanent heat wave to cover most of the known universe with especially dangerous consequences in N...
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Illegal Immigration – The Solution
2007-09-06 14:06:00
From a speech given by Johnny Oops at the biggest drive-in movie left in the Country at the Arizona/Mexican border.I have the solution to our immigration problem with Mexico my friends. It came to me in a dream. I don’t mean to be blasphemous, but I believe I was inspired by you know who on this one.What we have to do is only let the wealthiest Mexican’s into the Country, not the poorest, as legal citizens, not illegal immigrants. We should charge a head tax of $10,000 per adult and $40,000 per child assuming our social welfare costs of free schooling and medical expenses are going to be higher for those that live longer. That would bring in $100,000 per average family of four. Those that are born here are home free. Assuming that only one million wealthy Mexicans were willing and able to take advantage of this each year (there are more of them than you think) that would yield us an estimated one billion a year and save us billions more of social welfare costs on the twelve to t...
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Let’s Get Personal: Johnny Oops
2007-09-05 21:04:00
I think it’s time we got to know each other better. You know I’m a guru and genius on my way to be a prophet. You know I invented a religion called Dialectic Materialism that promotes a rational belief in God based on touching people in their essential parts. You know that I am a womanizer, part time drunk and druggie who has had two nervous breakdowns when confronted with his own reality or lack thereof. You must know by now that I an egomaniac who is full of him. I like it that way. I hope you understand. You know that I am the principal fictional character in a novel called Johnny Oops. But did you know that I have a heart and a soul? Did you know I have a family? Did you know that I care about what you think of me?That’s right. You guessed it. I have feelings. In fact I have deep emotional feelings. If I can feel, I must be human, right? If nothing else I am a social animal. I certainly hope so otherwise going through all the torment and pain to become a prophet would be a...
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The Funny Money Conspiracy
2007-09-03 13:48:00
Speech Given at Madison Square Garden by Johnny Oops the month after his appearance on Big Mouth Maxie’s TV Talk show, which catapulted Johnny to national acclaim as a guru and possible prophet.My friends and fellow followers of Dialectic Materialism, there is an international conspiracy going on between China and the United States that has the capacity to ruin all our lives. We cannot allow this illegal and potentially disastrous situation to continue. We have to do something about it, and with your help I believe I have the solution. Remember, God helps those who believe in Dialectic Materialism.The Chinese have been making fortunes at our expense selling us goods that they produce cheaply. This has created a huge trade deficit. We finance this deficit with the sale of U.S. Treasury bonds purchased by China. To make this game of musical chairs work, our respective governments have convinced the Chinese people to save their money and U.S. citizens to spend wildly on every conceiv...
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TV Talk Show Host Meets His Match
2007-08-30 20:22:00
Johnny refused to take his handlers advice and prepare for his big TV interview with the famous talk sow host, Maxie Big Mouth. The day of the meeting Johnny seemed calm and content. He was convinced that God would give him the ‘words’ no matter what Maxie threw at him Maxie wasted no time lacing into Johnny.Maxie: So Mr. Oops or shall we call you Johnny? Are you really a guru and a prophet or are you a charlatan? And do you really walk on water?Johnny: It’s for my flock and your audience to decide what I am and what I am capable of doing Mr. Big Mouth.Maxie: I had my experts check and they say when that picture of you walking on water was taken you were really water skiing barefoot. Isn’t that the truth?Johnny: Who gave your experts the ‘word’? Who do they speak to? I am the messenger, and it is I who delivers the ‘words’ of the ultimate expert of them all.Maxie: So now you are saying you talk to God. Are you divine?Johnny: I talk to God all the time. Whether he ans...
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Walking On Water My Way
2007-08-29 15:58:00
I was sitting in a limousine on my way out to South Hampton to join members of my flock stewing over the traffic, I wasn’t about to take a helicopter out after my experience on the plane with Abdul the terrorist, when the thought struck me that the Hamptons was probably the only place that I Johnny Oops would be safe wearing a white suit. Unfortunately I gave it to my doorman at my Park Avenue apartment in Manhattan when I got back from California and my nightmare plane ride.I was going to be a houseguest of a wealthy stockbroker in South Hampton who was a member of my flock. Josh Aldridge was a perfect candidate to be a major contributor to the cause of Dialectic Materialism, and I intended to make my own religious virtue obvious by lining my pockets with a substantial amount of this young hedge fund geniuses money, and that of his buddies as well. Josh was suffering from guilt feelings about all the money he had acquired with virtually no effort. It was my job to convince him th...
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