Rorschach On Crack

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Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
2007-05-11 19:24:00
Crossword Poetry1 You hiss a lot2 Like a razor on a snakestone3 My fine flip-out knife4 Your two-pronged tongue(Across 1, 3, 4 & Down 2)
More About: Micro , Volcano , Neum

A Horse! A Horse! My Colon For A Horse!
2007-04-28 20:01:00
In mid-2005, unspeakable happenings at the idyllic town of Enumclaw, Washington sparked a media feeding frenzy. Kenneth Pinyan, a divorced Boeing engineer, was hastily dropped off at the local hospital however he was beyond medical treatment -- the cause of death was massive internal bleeding as a result of a ruptured colon during anal intercourse with a horse. A vigorous investigation led the police to a nearby barn where "several buckets full of videotapes of men having sex with Arabian stallions were found." It was soon discovered that the red-tinged barn was a gathering place for zoophiles, men who find an erotic affinity and carnal fulfillment in interspecies copulation.The scandalous death of Pinyan, known by his online moniker of Mr. Hands, broke the silence on the forbidden subject of bestiality. Since the state of Washington had no law against sexual congress between man and beast, no one was charged but ironically, the horse that caused the fatal thrust was castrated."Zoo"...
More About: Colon , Horse

Futuo, Fac Ut Vivas!
2007-04-22 19:32:00
In a world full of nonsensical lists, do we really need another? Here is a reason (not) to keep abreast of my goings-on:Bedwetting: 5Molested at a young age: 0Sent to detention: 7Total number of times late for class: 53Evaluated by school/college psychiatrist: 3Took exams with mental diarrhea: 17Made it to the Dean's List in an academic term: 5Flunked subjects: 6Part of school/college sports teams: 0Successful revenge on bullies: 2Bribed organizers of school/college rock concerts so our band can play: 3Booed off the stage at school/college rock concerts: 3Sneaked into concerts and gigs without paying: 2Stepped on and dragged at circle pits: 5Stage dives directly to the floor: 2Kicked out of a bar/club: 3Passed out in bar restrooms: 2Sticks of cigarettes lit: 3,468Minutes cut from life expectancy due to smoking: 38,148 minutes (or 27 days)Embarrassing attempts at suicide: 2Narrowly escapes death: 3Blacked out from substance abuse: 7Victim of food poisoning: 6Used a cast to align bro...
More About: Viva

Stopping By The Children's Playground
2007-04-09 18:41:00
An open palm reaches outTo touch the cold windowpane;A loud tap is heard insideIndifferent to the rain.A splash of sea waterFrom many miles unknown --A small, lifeless bodyFloats up and down alone.Clumsy, callow handsBear the tawny loadUp the sun-baked earthTowards the long road.Down the thin armBlood seeps intoThe well-tilled soil:A calm, still view.In time forThe fireworksLithe fingersStand the perks.A cry --What lurksIs heardAt church.DeepThrusts,WhelpHuffs.
More About: Children , Play , Ground , Stop , Child

Tuning Out The Babelspeak
2007-04-07 03:27:00
Keith Richards, legendary founding member of supergroup The Rolling Stones, had this to say about the wildest stimulant he's taken:"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow."The outrageous quote was picked up by every news agency in the planet and caused folks over at Disney to panic. The Rolling Stones guitarist plays Johnny Depp's father in the final Pirates Of The Caribbean installment. Keith Richards reportedly will not be active in promoting the movie which is slated to be released on May 25. Prompting speculation that his previous statements about quitting drugs last year were false, a press release was issued wherein he claimed that the quote was taken out of context."The complete story is lost in the usual slanting. The truth of the matter is that I planted a sturdy English Oak. I took the ... ashes [and sprinkled them beneath the tree], and he is now growing o...
More About: Tuning , Babel , Speak , Babe , Peak

Choking On Captain Maniac's Labyrinth
2007-04-05 17:57:00
A proud, vain, insufferably smug fascist dedicated to murdering rebels in Franco's Spain circa 1944, Captain Vidal (played by Sergi Lopez) winds up having his left cheek slashed open with a knife by one of his own household staff. In possibly the most squirm-inducing, photo-realistic visual-effects shot of 2006, the wounded Captain, looking as maniacal Jack Nicholson's Joker from Batman but without the white pancake makeup, slowly assesses the damage in his shaving mirror.When Captain Vidal opens his mouth wide, we see that the gash is so deep, his whole cheek spreads apart, like a horrible, fleshy hinge. He then takes a needle and thread, jams the needle into the lower and upper edges of the wound, and starts sewing his own cheek back together. The first stitch of the awful repair job unfolds in a single, unbroken close-up that lasts nearly 48 seconds (an icky eternity in screen time). Then, with the wound bandaged, the Captain takes a big swig of alcohol, and liquor seeps throug...
More About: Mani , King , Mania , Labyrinth

Anti-Lubricating Fascist (D)O.P.E.
2007-03-11 17:19:00
(Or An E-Mail Correspondence Bastardizing O.P.E.)-----Original Message-----From: O.P.E. [mailto:admin@op-e.com]Sent: Saturday, February 28, 2007 2:53 PMTo: Evil Dildo [mailto:dildoyours@dildomail.com]Subject: Welcome to O.P.E.!Welcome to O.P.E., an online community of Bloggers.This message confirms your account:Username: Evil DildoPassword: f*ck.opeAs a member your own blog posts will appear across the O.P.E. network. See what's happening in your area, and get traffic to your site.If you believe this message was sent as spam, please email admin@op-e.comThanks! -- The O.P.E. Team -----Original Message-----From: Evil Dildo [mailto:dildoyours@dildomail.com]Sent: Saturday, March 10, 2007 3:10 AMTo: O.P.E. [mailto:admin@op-e.com]Subject: Re: Welcome to O.P.E.!Hi,It seems that I was de-listed from the database. Kindly verify.Thanks!-----Original Message-----From: O.P.E. [mailto:admin@op-e.com]Sent: Saturday, March 11, 2007 1:34 PMTo: Evil Dildo [mailto:dildoyours@dildomail.c...
More About: Cat , Anti

Why The Last Cock
2007-03-07 18:01:00
Yorick Brown, an amateur magician and escape artist, does not know what to do with his life. He's broke, unmotivated, recently adopted a monkey and juggling a long-distance relationship. While hanging upside down working his way out of a straitjacket and simultaneously talking to his girlfriend on the phone, Yorick is unaware of the tragic events happening outside of his apartment: all males are bleeding from every orifice and subsequently collapsing as females present watch in absolute horror.A mysterious plague has wiped out every mammal with a Y chromosome except Yorick Brown and his pet monkey, Ampersand. Armed with sarcastic wit, Yorick embarks on a journey to reunite with his remaining family, find his girlfriend and figure out why he is the last man on earth.Making his way across what's left of America, Yorick is joined by the enigmatic Agent 355 and the brilliant Doctor Allison Mann, a geneticist and cloning expert. The former, working for a covert US government agency, wa...
More About: Last , Cock , The Last

Taking The Shortbus For A Ride
2007-03-03 16:48:00
Scene 1: A camcorder captures the yogaesque acrobatics of a man performing auto-fellatio and climaxing too soon, spurts jizz all over his mouth and face.Scene 2: A frenzied heterosexual coupling in various degrees of Kama Sutra flushed with boisterous pre-pillow talk.Scene 3: A detached dominatrix-for-rent staring at a Jackson Pollock-like creation which a client/slave crudely orgasmed into. Unsimulated graphic sex introduces us into the lives of the protagonists. James, a former hustler turned Jacuzzi lifeguard, suffers from depression and records what seems to be a suicide tape. Sonia is a couples sex therapist who's never achieved an orgasm albeit having regular sweaty romps with her underemployed husband. Severin, hiding behind the facade of hostility and whipcracking, struggles with monetary and intimacy issues. In a flurry of events, "these characters converge at a weekly underground salon called Short bus , a mad nexus of art, music, politics, and polysexual carnality."Set in ...
More About: Ride , King , Taking

Four Hours Of Oscar Hell
2007-02-28 11:09:00
(A Blow By Blow Account Of 79th Annual Academy Awards -- Better Known As Poking Fun At The Oscar s)[7:06 PM] Time for the red carpet. Look Helen Mirren in a cougar-baiting attire. Wait. This year Oscar is envisioning an environmental theme so... time for the green carpet! And yes, having sexual thoughts on The Queen is plain wrong.[7:13 PM] Beyonce just stepped in. Who invited her? She can't act and I don't recall her being nominated for any acting award. And why is she looking at Jennifer Hudson like a hawk?[7:17 PM] Jennifer Hudson in metallic bolero? She's auditioning for Star Trek. Beam me up, Scotty![7:21 PM] Why is Celine Dion hovering around the red carpet like an Airbus A380 waiting to land? Isn't she caterwauling in Las Vegas?[7:29 PM] Norbit steps in to ruin the pre-Oscar show. I will commit suicide if he wins. If Andre Leon Talley utters another weird gay-accented word, I will commit suicide before Norbit wins.[7:33 PM] Check out the skeleton walking beside J Lo. Oh, i...
More About: Hell , Four , Hour , Hours