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The Falling Psychiatrist
2007-07-18 08:48:00
Astrud smelled like heavy alcohol. Even though she balanced herself quite well on her feet, her speech was rambling and her eyes were unfocused."I was not a cat person and never wanted a cat. Sheba came to my door one day, so I gave her some food and milk. Then she kept coming back. Day after day. For 17 years."Sheba was Astrud's black cat. Astrud installed a Cat Flap to give her the freedom of coming in and out of the house whenver she wished to. The cat was quite aloof. She stayed useful in doing her own business - catching moles, birds, or other small kinds, and never cared to purr to win attention. "When she got old, she became quite affectionate, which was really not her usual self. She stayed indoor most of the times and preferred to sleep on my laps or by my feet. I guess she needed my company. She was a good cat even though I didn't even want to have a cat. But she came and she never left. And we grew old together."Astrude caught herself repeating the part how S...
More About: Fall , Psychiatrist , Chia

Fear
2007-07-13 05:37:00
I study my hands closely:The lines around each knuckle have grownComplexity, they screamAging, they confessLike a piece of crumbled-up paperDestined to be abandoned in the wastebasketBearing the unbearable pain in its ugly creasesSince when did wrinkles creep onto my skin?I fear that one day they would take me by force and conquer meMy hands would become foreignSo would my face my bodyPromise me that you would then leave me beSulking in the wastebasket like the abandoned pageAny consolation would only cause agonyFor the creases can not be smoothened Even by the finest ironing.
More About: Fear

"Oh God, there is no God."
2007-07-06 21:17:00
"Are you religious?" Simple and direct, the question caught me off-guard. At age 87, Naomi's keen mind and big spirit compensated her ultra-petite body. She spoke four or five languages, although her German heritage often leaked from her accent: "Vat vas that vonderful muzic?" She had lived a long life, or several lives as she claimed and I believed, in which she experienced everything life had to offer, joy or sorrow."Are you religious?" She looked straight at me through her over-sized glasses. Those lenses immensely enlarged her eyes into almost alien-like, at the same time magnified me in her vision. I felt naked and transparent. I had to tell the truth. "Yes." My voice was small and I felt the need to defend myself. "Well, somewhat, I guess." Then I was ashamed."Well, you see, I believe in the existence of God. But my ignorance to Christianity... um... There are too many things about that religion just don't make sense to me. Yet." I went on and on about my experience wi...

"The Cicadas are Coming!"
2007-06-17 02:31:00
7-year-old Kimmy was the one who told me over dinner that the Cicadas were coming. Her cute face lit up: “It has um… orangy eyes and um, you know, clear wings, so it flies around. And it goes ‘chiiiiiiiii-chiiiiiiiiiiii’. Yup! Just like that!” I had long forgotten about the existence of cicadas. While Kimmy was enthusiastically drawing one with crayon on the paper tablecloth, I searched hard in my memory and finally that “Chiiiiiii-Chiiiiii” sound zoomed-in an old, yellow-stained snapshot of the past:I was about the same age as Kimmy, young and carefree. Walking in between my parents, each of my hands safely locked in their hands. On my left was my father, tall and handsome. And my mother was walking on my right side. Gently smiled, she could not have been more beautiful. It was an after-dinner walk in a mid-summer night. Neighbors were outside their apartments trying to catch some breeze. Some were playing chess and some were simply just sitting on a chair, cool...
More About: Ming

Mean Santa
2007-06-07 20:43:00
It wasn't ChristmasNothing felt like ChristmasExcept you were Sant a in this heated day of JuneThe bag in your handsFull with secrets and surprisesPromised happy smiles and much moreAs you handed out little square boxesTo each visible human beingI anxiously awaited my share of awardsThen your eyes met mineFreezeSilenceA heavy load of AwkwardnessTwo mere seconds were long enough for the truthI had been a bad girlSanta was punishing me with crippled fortuneSmiledI walked away in an injured dignity

Testimonial on Tony's Behalf
2007-05-27 10:09:00
Tony,Please forgive me. I am such a fool. I can't believe myself for dwelling on some insignificant unhappiness so obsessively during your short visit. Time flew by right in front of my eyes, and before I realized that I should be overwhelmed with our good times, you were already gone. You probably felt hopeless in saving me. Please don't. Your visit meant so much to me that I can't thank you enough. For those few days, I finally escaped from my phobia of being alone. It felt safe and I knew that whatever happened or were about to happen, you would be right there by my side, making sure that I wouldn't fall. You are too kind. Sometimes I question whether I have done enough good to others to deserve this unconditional friendship. So, thank you for coming, my friend, and thanks for rescuing me. Drinking on the roof while listening to Mahler 9 was the best time I ever had.
More About: Testimonial , Tony , Testim

Lost
2007-05-26 22:05:00
Lisa was right. I have gone completely mental. During my last Pilates session, she unexpectedly interrupted our usual routine: "Are you okay? You don't look happy." What a strange thing she said! I was in quite a good mood that day and felt particularly light-hearted. Perhaps I was over-concentrating on the work-out. Perhaps I was getting impatient by the seemingly unprogressive pace. Or, maybe, just maybe, Lisa knew me better than I knew myself. Earlier this morning, after a frantic 30-minute search inside-out of my apartment, the delayed truth dawned on me: the wallet is gone, for the second time in a short time of 3 months! Not stolen, but lost under my own carelessness. I searched in my memory but found no recollection of any last trace. It was just gone, along with my sanity. Dispersed into air. Dissolved into rain. Disintegrated into ashes.
More About: Lost

Curiosity Mustn't Die
2007-05-24 16:18:00
Several years back in one of my graduate classes, the professor one day asked our opinions on the Terri Schiavo's controversy but found no responses. The shock on his face would never escape my memory. He took off his glasses and looked around the room. When his eyes met mine, I felt a sudden burning on my cheeks, but was quickly convinced that everyone else's face was as blushed as mine - we were ashamed for our ignorance and terrified for the consequences. It seemed to be a long silence before the professor spoke in a trembling voice:"I know that you are music students, not academic students, but that is no excuse. Do you read about what's happening in the world? Do you think and care about what's happening around you in your own lifetime?"Of course we mocked the incident as soon as we left the classroom like any other immature students would do, but what the professor said formed into a stone of guilt, sat heavily on my shoulders. I couldn't deny the truth that I was...
More About: Must , Curiosity

A Starbucks Incident
2007-05-22 20:02:00
"Tall coffee Frappuccino please.""Did you know that you could get a medium size with Only 50 cents more? Would you like that?""Uh. Sure!"I never ordered anything larger than a Tall, or else I would have trouble finishing the drink. The cashier lured me into getting my first medium-sized Frap. "Oooonly 50 cents" sounded like a deal or a promotion of the day. Only when I quickly glimpsed the price board as I handed her the money did I realize that there was no special deal! 50 cents extra for one size larger is the normal charge for every type of drinks on the menu! It has nothing to do with money but everything to do with a subtle manipulation! How could she trick me like that? How could I be so naive to fall for it? She grinned, didn't even try to restrain her satisfaction from this small victory: "Have a nice day!" You sneaky little nymph. No tip for you!
More About: Starbucks , Bucks , Incident , Buck , Cide

Ear-Plugs
2007-05-20 08:57:00
Let me hear nothing but my own breathing.In the waves of each breath,I am more at peace than a willow tree.The randomness of poetry,Could only be understood by a drunken tree.As its leaves wave and wave at me,I am more content than one can ever be.No one could pierce right through me,For I have these ear-plugs who promised to protect me.Oh the sea is slashing and the tree is dying.I have truly got nothing but this pair of ear-plugs who keeps me safe.While my mind becomes soothing,I lower my guards and let myself free.In the moment of so-called heaven, I allow myself to weep and weep.
More About: Plug

Truce
2007-05-16 21:07:00
Let us leave it like this:We have different values.And call it quit, call it truce.I wondered what happened to us, But I already knew the answer.We have different values.Value, what an intriguing word.There is no right or wrong,Selfish or generous,Black or white.We are incapable of understanding each other.We have different values.It's okay. It's really okay. Believe me that I didn't want to fight.We fought.We have different values.The violence of verbal abuse has done harms, So we better shut up,Once for all. I wish you could promise not to speak Another word about us.But that's too big of a request That it's unfair for me to ask.What I demand myself can not be demanded on others.So let us just leave it like this:We have different values.And call it quit, call it truce.

A Cure for Puffy Eyes
2007-05-15 15:47:00
"Come out with us. You'll feel better." He commanded over the phone. I had to refuse since my eyes were so puffy that I could barely recognize myself in the mirror. It was a good cry - emotional and sincere - nothing was fake about it. I finally allowed myself to break down. Fuck the intellectual analysis crap. Fuck the I-need-to-be-brave shit. Fuck it. Fuck it all. So the unstoppable tears took hold of me. They violently burst out of my eye sockets, blurring not only my vision but also my consciousness. I cried so hard that I thought I was going to faint. Let me faint then, for I could care less. Perhaps I could just lose it and never regain consciousness. At least I was willing to and I was ready for it. But the real consequence was less than desirable: my eyelids, upper and lower, expanded from cheekbones to forehead, leaving only a small opening for me to see the reality; the creases of my double eyelids were nowhere to be found; I thought my eyes were bulging o...
More About: Eyes , Puffy , Cure , Puff

Dream Sequence 5
2007-05-06 01:58:00
In the first night, he was with some other woman; second night, a different one. But last night in my dream, he was with me.I finally understood what happiness really was - a heavenly state in which one could be so peacefully satisfied that there was absolutely nothing more to desire. He gazed at me lovingly. A incredible sensation filled and expanded every particle in my body. I felt as light as a feather, that even the most gentle breath would lift me up and make me fly. Our little family. Our little world. Ours. His and mine. It was real, wasn't it? It felt so real. Then the dream took a different turn. Suddenly I was standing in the center of a frozen lake all alone. Skating was never a talent of mine, but I was looking for an entrance or an exit, so I skated on the thick layer of ice. I was free. For a moment, I even thought that I was flying. Yet my heart was heavy and I could feel the warm stream that began to accumulate in my lower eyelids. When the ice crac...
More About: Dream , Sequence

The Wind-Up Bird
2007-05-04 06:27:00
I heard it during my sleeps. The monotonous and persistent chirping patiently dragged me out of my lucid dreams. My ears perked up, trying to determine the direction from which the sound originated. As my other senses began waking up one after another, my eyes unwillingly opened last. Daylight had already broken into the room through my pink curtains. It was 6:17 in the morning. At first, I thought it must be my neighbor whistling a ridiculous, high-pitched tune. A boring tune that was made of a repeated pitch and an occasionally lower pitch at precisely a minor third apart. Not much longer did it take me to realize that this sound was a rare bird-call rather than a hideous human-produced noise. I gasped: it was the wind-up bird! I was convinced. A wind-up bird, that's right, the exact one that Haruki Murakami spoke of in his novel The Wind -Up Bird Chronicle. What is a wind-up bird anyway? A mechanical toy bird that needs to be winded-up every-so-often in order to mi...

Quote
2007-05-03 23:11:00
Carrie: “The longer I sat at that table the more alone I felt, and it really hit me that I am 35 and alone”Miranda: “you are Not alone.”Carrie: “I know that I have you guys. But... I really... I hate myself for saying this, but... I felt really sad... not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me happy birthday. No goddamn soul mate. And I don’t even know if I believe in soul mate." -- Sex and the City, Season 4, Episode 49, "The Agony and the 'Ex-'tacy."
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Defending S.A.T.C
2007-05-03 09:27:00
HBO's TV show Sex and the City was a hit alright, only to the female citizens of the United States. Many men expressed their dissatisfaction towards the show. Most of the complaints targeted on the egotistic female perspective reflected by the main characters' luxurious life-style and their attitude of "men are disposable."The show was indeed controversial. First time on television, the topic of sex was focused as an essential element throughout the series. Blunt, shameless, at times brutal truth of human sexual behaviors blended with a sense of humor in the cleverly written dialogue, freed female viewers from awkwardness in talking about sex. The show was not just controversial. It was brave. It was daring. And it did make a statement. But it wasn't just about sex. There was rarely any explicit nudity, which might have been disappointing to some male viewers. The show was about relationships and human interactions, from the female perspectives: how women think, feel,...
More About: Ending

To: My Pilates Trainer
2007-04-25 20:38:00
"Keep going, going on ... I can't go on. I will go on."- Samuel Beckett, The UnnamableLisa,You would be so glad to know that I have been practicing Pilate s on my own almost every day of this week. The motto posted on the wall at BE center (which I starred at to focus during our sessions) kept me going:"Within 10 sessions, you'll feel the difference;another 10 sessions, you will see the difference;10 sessions more, you'll have a new body."Now that I've completed about 10 sessions, my changes are apparent to others but unfortunately, imperceptible to me.Perhaps I have become numb over the years. "What makes me happy" and "what is happiness" are questions that constantly looping in my head. I desperately searched for this so-called happiness so I made myself a list:Things that Make Me Happymorning coffee, fixed in the way I like.purchase something pink.soft things. towels, blanket, pillows, etc.reading a great book while sun-bathing.the smell of grass.the smell after rain.make ...
More About: Trainer , Late , TRAI

Dream Sequence 4
2007-04-19 21:47:00
"We had a good time together, didn't we?""Yah... We were happy. You needed my emotional support as much as I needed yours at the time, so it worked. It worked real well for what it was. Although I have to admit that I idealized you. No. We idealized each other. You really didn't know me. And I can't say that I knew you well enough either.""I KNEW YOU! Of course I did!""I was young. I didn't even know myself.""You remember us, don't you? You will never forget! I know it. I know that you still keep my letters.""They are gone, Sam... I threw them out. Letters, E-mails, pictures, promises, dreams.""I know you kept them...""I had to move on. You moved on, why shouldn't I?""... but you would always remember us...""Yes I would. But I'm not tormented anymore. We broke up both in reality and in my dreams, and I finally got it.""No regrets?""I wish I had gone to see you as I promised. I'm sorry that I couldn't. Things might have turned out differently for us.""You a...
More About: Dream , Sequence

To E.Y.
2007-04-10 04:08:00
You are a mother to be! I am invaded by so much joy that I simply can not restrain myself. Congratulations, my dearest friend! From this moment on, you are not just a woman and a wife, but a sacred, blessed mortal who is destined to bring a new life into the world. You are a mother to be!What an honorable thing! A baby. Not a plant and not a pet, but a tiny little human being with its own potential and life and future and more and more. I cannot yet grasp this concept fully, but I glorify it like those faithful Christians do or at least should do. You are a mother to be!I imagine holding your new born with the utmost care - such a precious and delicate little body in my arms, crying and kicking, breathing and living. The thought of this makes me wanting to cry. So I weep, shamelessly, out of true happiness for you and the little seed in your belly. You are a mother to be!!!

High and Above
2007-04-07 01:28:00
Location: GalleryFloor/Aisle: 6/3Section: Center LeftRow: J Seat: 119"Last row here! Yuuup, right there. Noooo need to go any further!" The usher spoke in a rather sarcastic tone and handed me a program booklet: "Enjoy the concert!"Gallery in Chicago's Symphony Center, a.k.a the "nose-bleeding" section, exists six flights off from the Main Floor. My luck that day mercilessly destined my seat to be located in the very last row of the Gallery. I was quite aware of the randomness of the seat assignments from last-minute rush tickets. But, Com'ooon... SIX flights up, And the last row? How could it be This bad!It was a CSO concert that I had looked forward to: Charles Dutoit was to conduct the "Pathetique" Symphony - one of my favorite symphonies by Tchaikovsky. The air up there was thin and suffocating. Smells of human odors seemed to be fanning at me from different directions like waves. Instantly I felt nauseous. The seat, let's just say there wasn't much of a view of ...
More About: High

The Pink Lady
2007-04-02 21:39:00
Have you seen the Pink lady in the neighborhood? You won't mistaken her. The short, stylized pink hair is her signature. Strolling down the streets of Chicago, a pink trail is left behind her.Have you seen her then? The Pink lady? In a rather fast pace, she walks with attitudes. Cursing off floral and lacy patterns, denim and t-shirt are what she prefers. Cigarette between her fingers, she deeply inhales to calm her suppressed anger.Have you seen her? Have you seen the real her? As she stops momentarily at the street corner, her pink shades cover her eyes but not the streams of tears that roll down her cheeks. Have you seen the misfortuned Pink lady?
More About: Lady

Dream Sequence 3
2007-04-02 08:07:00
Says who that men are from Mars and women are from Venus? You and I are not only from the same planet, but are also the same specie. Yes, you and me. Just us. No one else. Despite the fact that we have not met. Despite that you know neither my name, nor my mere existence. "We are the same specie!" I said to you when you came into my dream last night, and soon studied your baffled reaction. Your face, resembled that of your picture precisely: fair, kind and somewhat melancholy. And your eyes that conveyed so much emotion silenced me instantly. We Are the same specie. Please take my words for it. I have fallen in love with your writings. Your thoughts are what I accumulate in my head, and your words reverberate in me, pounding in my heart and throbbing in my vein. At least we met. Even though it was only a dream. I have said what I needed to say, and that is more than enough.
More About: Dream , Sequence

Spring Talk
2007-03-20 17:33:00
Ever since I started my first blog back in the days, I've had the urge to write about spring every March but never followed through. Here is the process of 2007 attempt."When birds chirping away in the early morning instead of crows, spring arrives, and the cold winter finally withdrew its overdue presence."(Looking outside) What a beautiful day!"Spring , awakens the nature with warm sun-lights and fresh breezes. It gently caresses each and every being, whispering the beauty of living."Um, fresh breezes... that's right! Definitely want some of that."A particular scent lingers in the air, sweet but light. It keeps you wanting to breath in more, until every particle in your body expands with the same sweetness and lightness."Okay... That was kinda cheesy... What else...?...Flowers? Trees? Birds? Wait, birds are already mentioned.... ... "I love spring. It makes me feel alive..." DELETE!!!Uhhhh. Coffee? Yeah! A walk and coffee would be nice! Forget about this blog.And that's exactly ...
More About: Talk , Ring

Dot-Dot-Dot
2007-03-14 07:04:00
"An ellipsis. Sometimes it is used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence." What a powerful use of punctuation! Almost poetic in a sense. Then, you get an e-mail: "hey... you sounded great on Sunday... Can you play (such and such) tomorrow? That'll be really nice... Thanks... " ... What the ...

Jake's Monologue
2007-03-04 19:25:00
If I were a painter, I would brush the canvas with lush colors in attempt to express my joy. If I were a musician, I would create the most sublime piece to celebrate your presence in my life. If I were a poet, I would never stop writing, for you would be my muse, my inspiration.But you see, I am not an artistic man.I wish I were knowledgeable so that I could fulfill your curiosity by answering all your questions.I wish I traveled often, and be able to fascinate you with my trips and stories.I wish I had lived an interesting life. But my life has been so grey until you came along. The truth is, I am only an ordinary man. Perhaps the most ordinary man you've ever met. I want to be stronger to protect you from any harm, and funnier to make you laugh. And you ought to know that your laugh is the most precious to me.Because of you, I desperately want to be a better man. Yet I can only soak in despise for being none of what I wish to be.
More About: Mono , Jake

Body Endeavor
2007-02-27 23:35:00
"Inhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, exhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, inhale..."This is my third Pilates session. Since last time, my trainer Lisa has picked up the pace in her counting and added 5-10 numbers on each routine to train my endurance. Not that I didn't believe in exercise before, but purely out of laziness, I against exercising for twenty-some years. Once or twice, the fashionable workout outfits did lure me into fantasizing a run in the park. Kodak this: Reebok black/white top and bottom, Reebok running shoes (yes, I dig everything Reebok,) bottle of water in hand (Reebok bottle of course,) pink iPod on left arm, and hair is tied into a high pony-tail. I actually could be mistaken for a sporty one! Most of these occasional impulses turned into a jog of 2 blocks and out-of-breath for 15 minutes. "Let's do the 'Hundred.'" Lisa guides my body into the right position - an almost V-shaped pose. "Now pump your arms on the sides of your body. Inhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, exhale, 2, 3... pull your abdo...
More About: Body , Endeavor

Dream Sequence 2
2007-02-21 19:05:00
“So what about you? Are you seeing anyone else?” “No. No. But there is the dream of someone else.” Somewhere between my conscious and unconscious states, a stranger, tall and handsome, came to me. It was love at first sight. The moment he held me, a flow of energy released from the core of my body, and my existence suddenly made sense. Our bodies melted into one and he was the missing piece.I opened my eyes - it was 6 in the morning.
More About: Dream , Sequence

Heinrich Heine's "Lyrisches Intermezzo"
2006-01-15 18:20:00
I cried in my dream, I dreamed that you lay in your grave.I woke up, and the tears were still streaming down my cheek. I cried in my dream, I dreamed that you had forsaken me.I woke up, and I cried still long and bitterly. I cried in my dream, I dreamed that you still loved me.I woke up, and still the flood of my tears is streaming.
More About: Rich , Inter , Intermezzo , Heine , Term

My Dear Friend...
2006-01-10 07:43:00
My dear friend… You need not to be overly critical on yourself. The fault is not yours, and the pain is not for you to embrace alone. Watching you sink deeper into despair, I only wish that you could accept who you are and realize that you are truly blessed. Stop seeking the flaws in you, for you will only hurt yourself more. Don’t you know how fragile you are? After each turmoil, you cling onto the little strength there is left, barely standing with nowhere and no one to lean on. Then you face your worst critic – yourself. Shutting everyone out and accepting the brutal self-critic alone, you become the most pathetic and the loneliest soul. We shouldn’t be this lonely… We should never make ourselves lonelier than we already are…Don’t undervalue yourself and please don’t give up. It is our biggest task to keep an optimistic spirit no matter how rough things are. Things will get better as long as you believe in yourself.
More About: Friend

Addiction
2005-10-24 07:42:00
Do you know the game Snood?I can't figure out why this game is so addictive. Is it the weird faces and their peculiar names? Jake, Zod, Mildred, Sunny, Midoribe, Geji, and Spike - they grind their teeth, stick out their tongues, and make faces that push your button just a little. Could it be the mischievous satisfaction of playing it for free till the limited rounds are used up? The vicious poems at the end of each level and the "pleeease" that is sung by a chorus of snoods surely do make you feel guilty, though there still will not be payments - ever. Apology to Dave Dobson - the creator of Snood!Whatever it is, I find myself spending hours and hours on the game in trying to break my own record. The curiosity of what the highest score that ever existed aggravates my obsession. So I dragged it into "trash" - numerous times, since it somehow always got dragged Out of "trash". Then I decided to delete it permanently. The latest news is that, Snood is "re-born" once again on ...
More About: Addiction , Addict