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Tagged !! : Better Late Than Never Trish
2007-07-21 13:51:00
Grrrrrr !! Not a great fan of the Meme but as it's Trish doing the tagging I can't really say no. So here goes.These, apparently, are the rules. I'm going to be breaking them later on though! ;op List 8 facts/habits about yourselfPost the rules at the beginning before those facts/habits are listedTag 8 people and post their names, go to their blogs and leave them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and ask them to read your blog.1 - I don't trust anyone. That sounds bad I know but it's the truth. After letting myself be taken for a fool so many times in the past I now practice the art of keeping something back that no-one will ever be able to touch. It's going to take an extremely special person to have all of me.2 - I hate money. Well obviously it's good to have but I can't keep my hands on it for very long. I have no will power when it comes to non-spending. If I have it, I spend it. Never had a savings account. Don't have a pension. Credit cards ar...
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Healing
2007-07-21 00:38:00
I guess I should let you all know that I'm still alive and haven't done myself in.I'm feeling better but it's happening very slowly. It doesn't help that I 'see' him everyday, we use a lot of the same website spaces on a daily basis and inevitably we are going to bump into each.I guess what's still hurting the most right now is how quickly he's moved on from it all. It's almost as if nothing ever happened for him. So why can't I do that? Why am I still hovering on the edge of tears when I see his face, hear a song that reminds me of him or smell something on the air that turns my head thinking it's him?I've been speaking to a few close on-line friends about it and they are all trying to make me feel better and make me believe in myself again but this is proving harder to pick myself back up from.I've gone through what some would consider much worse times and managed to pull myself together, dust myself down and get on with life, yet this time......Been putting a brave ...
More About: Healing , Ealing , Heal

It Never Happens Like the Movies
2007-07-10 23:05:00
I'm getting better. From non stop tears all weekend to running on auto-pilot at work yesterday, to making the decision today to pick myself up and dust myself down. I was making myself ill, literally. Not eating and but still drinking a lot of alcohol is not good for the stomach (I could go into details but won't).I still feel as though a part of me is missing and I'm still wandering aimlessly, like I should be doing something but I've forgotten what it is.To go from being on Cloud 9 for the last 2 weeks and then to be head first in the gutter still doesn't feel real to me.I keep expecting that big movie ending where you get the montage of the two principal characters trying to get on with their lives without each other and then one of them hears a knock on the door and as they go to answer it you just know that it's the other character come back to patch things up.It's not going to happen though, no matter how much I hope for it.Movies lie !!!
More About: Like , The Movies

The Saddest Song
2007-07-09 19:45:00
So what's the deal? You've just had your heart ripped in half and you feel like you're falling down an empty never-ending pit of blackness so what do you do? You play depressing songs of lost love over and over and over again.Here's my top 10 that are on repeat right now -1. My Immortal - Evanescence2. Everybody Hurts - REM3. Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters4. How do I Live - LeAnn Rimes5. Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton6. I Can't Make you Love Me - Bonnie Rait7. Ready for a Fall - P.J. Olsson8. Nothing Compares to You - Sinead O'Connor9. If You Leave Me Now - Chicago10. When You're Gone - Avril LavigneDoes it help? No, but we still wallow.
More About: Song

Picking up the Pieces
2007-07-08 02:06:00
So this is my heart laid bare. I said to myself I wasn?t going to do this but I can?t leave all these thoughts whirling around my head with nowhere to go, somehow it just makes the hurting worse.I loved you, there I said it but what?s it worth now? Nothing.I really, truly believed I?d found the ?one? this time. The handsome, smart, funny, intelligent and caring guy that I could settle down with at last.So why didn?t it happen? Why couldn?t I see that you couldn?t possibly have been attracted to me, felt the same way I did, had the same plans for the future as I did. I mean look at me, I?m nothing and have been for so long. It doesn?t matter how many people try and tell me otherwise, I?ve known this long before you came on the scene and I thought that maybe I?d just lucked out with catching you.It?s the not knowing the reason why that kills me. Why were the feelings not there for you this time, what happened within the course of the evening that changed your mind as we lay in each ot...
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Foolish Heart
2007-07-07 16:51:00
I guess this poem I found on the internet pretty much sums up what I'm feeling....To Watch You Leaving . . .is to know such pain, it's jagged edges tearing into my soul. As a stake from the garden tears into the warm, dark earth.To Watch You Leaving . . .knowing all the while that never again will I fit myself, warm with sleep, against your solid back.Nor hear your steady breathing. Or feel the beating of your heart.To Watch You Leaving . . .aware in every moment of every day that my dreams, my future; once tied with silken ribbons to yours, will never come to be.And the mornings once so silent and hopeful, us gazing at the mountains and so gently awaiting forever - are now but small pieces of my past.To Watch You Leaving . . .your heart a tight fist of anger and your dry eyes betraying nothing of you. I cry for both of us, my love, because you will not.To Watch You Leaving . . .is to know that I've lost my place on this earth. My station. My heart's home. That I will wander, fo...
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Tick Tock, Tick Tock
2007-07-06 17:02:00
He's on his way now and all I can do is watch the clock as the minutes pass by.Let's look at this instead to take my mind off the wait and look forward to doing lots of this.....
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Taking a Break !
2007-07-05 18:14:00
Well I've been trying anyway.Yesterday to try at keep my mind off all my anxities and insecurities out came the marigolds and the mop and the flat was cleaned from top to bottom. I'm ashamed to say that this doesn't happen very often and I was amazed at the amount of dirt, dust and grease that builds up in the most unlikely of places. Still the place looks so much better than it has for a long time. God he better appreciate all the trouble I'm going to for his visit!Exhausted by the end of the seemingly neverending chores I caught up with my emails and saw that someone had requested a friends connection on Facebook. Now I never use Facebook that often and only ever look at it when it gets mentioned by someone else, reminding me that it's still there.Well a couple of hourse later and I had discovered much more of what it has to offer. I had fun too.Today has been a little less hectic but there was still the visit to the laundrette to wash bed linen, I think I may be sleeping on ...
More About: Break , Taking , Brea

Pre-Event Nerves
2007-07-04 11:35:00
2 days to go and I'll finally have him back in my arms. This week has dragged and dragged, never before have I wanted a holiday week to go so fast and yet in true BIG SCARY UNKNOWN fashion I've been worrying.I'm back into uncharted waters and anything I can see that could go wrong I'm obssessing about. It's been a continual flow of messages sent between the two of us all week and although they have been a source of comfort as to the eagerness of the two of us meeting again I'm worried that when the day comes he's going to come to his senses and realise that I'm not the one and the goodbyes when he goes will be final ones.Am I really what he's looking for? Can I possibly live up to his previous relationships given some of his lifestyle options? When he see's how I live, will he be repulsed? Will the geographical distance between us be our downfall? How will he take the news that I've been chatting to one of his 'ex-boyfriends'? Will I be able to keep my emotions in check...
More About: Event , Vent

The L Word
2007-07-01 18:15:00
'Lantern'? No'Luxury'? NoLacotose intolerent'? Well okay that's 2 words but still No !'Lesbian'? Well you may have thought that but it's not that either !It is of course that four letter word that is so powerful but is so overused that all true meaning gets lost in translation.LOVE !!!So many people these days use this word to evoke the most mundane of things in life. "I love chips", "I love that new show on t.v. right now", "I love those shoes in the window", they don't really love these things they just want them or stupidly think they need them.Isn't love meant to be something that sweeps you off your feet, takes your breath away and leaves you speechless. I mean I like my new trainers but I'm not going to get all moist about them.Love has a tendency to creep up on you unawares and then completely take over your life. You do things that a normally 'sane' and 'logical' person wouldn't even consider doing. It basically makes you do the crazy !!Am I doing the crazy ...
More About: Word , L Word , The L Word

Complicated
2007-06-30 13:35:00
Life can never just be a smooth ride can it? Not even when you think things are going well, there is always a spanner, no matter how small, to throw into the works.Feeling drained of energy this morning and there have also been a few tears. I need him to be here right now to hold me and tell me things are going to be alright, to explain all the things I could have done without knowing but since last night, I should know now.Dammit all, I just want to get to know him without the intervention of others warning me or telling me 'to be careful'. I know they mean well but their voices are so laden with doom that it colours my view on an already complicated conversation that's to come.I'm going to fuck this up before it's even had a chance to start, I knew this but it seems I just can't stop myself no matter how hard I try. Just hoping that I'm being overly paranoid and that there really isn't anything to worry about.
More About: Cate , Complicated

Finding the Right Balance
2007-06-28 15:47:00
So there's been a lot of messages passed to and fro from mobiles and through the internet since we parted and the frequency of these has put my mind at some ease that this could actually be going somewhere. It's still not where I'd like to be right now, just holding his hand would be enough to keep me going but I can't complain. Someone is actually interested in me and that can't be all bad!Bit sad this afternoon as I popped into my local Superdrug store and sprayed myself with the scent he uses (Carolina Herrera 212 Men) just to remind me of him. It's torture though. I can see pictures of him, I can smell him now and I can read what he sends me but all I want to do is touch him again!When it comes to affairs of the heart my mouth seems to go dry and the words I want to say seem to vanish and that's when I look to my love of music for inspiration. I'm trying to compile a C.D. of music for him to let him know how I feel but it's trying to find that right balance within the s...
More About: Balance , Alan , Lance , Balan

I Hate This Part !!
2007-06-26 22:43:00
And not having a lot of practice in the art of dating I haven't a clue what to do and I know I'm just going to screw it all up. It doesn't help that he is so far away.Passing messages through the internet is all very well and good and his replies make me smile so much but you just get to the point where you just want to enfold the person in your arms and feel the comfort that you felt no more than 24 hours ago.It's so difficult for me, trying to put into words how I'm feeling right now. It's all such an alien concept to me, I can't remember the last time I felt like this and these feelings seem to be rushing at me from all directions that I can't get a hold on any of them for long enough to understand them.I'm meant to be taking it slow and enjoying this but I'm just filled with dread that I'm doing too much, not giving the dust time to settle and see the lay of the land. Part of me thinks I don't deserve this great guy and I'm trying to over compensate for my self perc...
More About: Hate

So......erm........(shuffles feet)......looks all coy !
2007-06-25 16:29:00
It was the Bristol OUT party this weekend and well it was 'interesting' to say the least.Of course I had way too much to drink and not a lot to eat, which equates to me dancing like a nutter shamelessly and falling into people on a regular basis. I'm glad I didn't piss any one off, I don't think anyway.I felt like I talked to some people for hours on end to the point where I must have been chewing their ears off. Bless 'em.In amongst all that drunkness though a handsome young chap opened my eyes to something that should have happened between the two of us many months ago but I guess other men kept getting in the way of us hooking up. I'm glad we managed to this time and I'm hoping it's all going to go on to something more. Durham is a long way away from Northampton but for this guy I'm going to be making the effort. He's too good to let go.Hmmm look at me, who would have thought eh, having 'butterflies in my stomach' feelings for someone else. Seeing him off at the trai...
More About: Feet , Look , Looks

So What Did You Miss?
2007-06-18 18:21:00
So what have I been up to this last week while you have been gazing at all the luscious men I've been posting for your pleasure?Well not a great deal to be fair. Work was marginally better than usually now that the management have finally pulled their finger out and sorted our training for the new work being brought into the business. Still, it's all really fragmented and it seems that someone with Attention Deficiency Disorder has planned the whole thing.I can't really complain as I'm on holiday in 4 days time which is when I expect the shit to really hit the fan in the office so I'm quite relieved I won't be around for that.It's Scott and Gemma's last week in Northampton before going to live down in Cornwall so we went out for a meal on Saturday night and then caught up with some more people for drinks. It's going to be weird when they leave as they are the only people I ever go out with so there goes my social life. I'm hoping their leaving will give me the push to sort...
More About: Bristol , Miss

9 Days to go !!
2007-06-14 18:17:00
Not that I'm counting or anything but eagerly awaiting my 2 week 'summer' holiday. It can stop raining then and let the sunshine in !!!Too obvious to put a picture of Angel here so plumped for the peroxide blonde bad boy Spike instead played by James Marsters.Couldn't let this week go by without saluting the Queen of Pop, Madonna . Fantastic video with all those hunky, dirty men parading around with all that flesh on show !!
More About: Sunshine , Buffy , Days

Halfway Point
2007-06-13 18:35:00
The oh so suave Christian Bale bringing Batman back to basics and making him cool again.Nature can be so freaky and just plain wrong sometimes!!
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Thank You Everybody : 20,000 hits and Still Going
2007-06-12 21:55:00
May not sound a lot to some of you but the fact that my little corner of this web world has had 20,000 hits to it amazes me and I'm grateful to each and everyone of you that has come by.Rob Thomas , my future husband if there was any justice in this world.
More About: Orlando Bloom , Hits , Thank You , Going

Apology
2007-06-07 19:29:00
I've been a bit self-involved of late with all my 'life baggage' and I've let my attention to my fellow bloggers slip. I'm sorry to all of you and I'm doing my best to rectify this. My frame of mind is so erratic these days that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and lock the world out. I'm tired of being this complicated and I must come across as a right fruit loop!! No wonder no-one wants to date me, coming across this blog and reading my entries would put off even the most fool-hardy of people.I just feel as though nothing I do is good enough for anyone these days no matter how hard I try. I'm tired of attempting to work out what people want of me and appealing to their better nature. I've been on the verge of tears for many nights now and today when I got back from work they finally started flowing, even now as I type I can feel them welling up and beginning to fall.I'm sorry.
More About: Apology , Ology , Polo

Niave and apparently Un-dateable !
2007-06-06 20:51:00
Everytime !!! Every 'frickin' time !!! Why do I even try to fool myself that someone would be intersted in me. What do I have to do to even get people to meet me, never mind consider the whole dating thing. I began by expecting nothing, flattered by your comments (and I'm terrible at accepting compliments) yet with an underlying doubt of their intentions. Then you spoke about meeting but everytime I suggested a date there was always something else on. That should have been my cue to leave, to give up but I held on to some faint hope that sometime in the near future you would say yes. Well it doesn't look like that's ever going to happen, now that you're seeing how it goes with someone else. Was I that niave to not see that you were just stringing me along for some on-line company till something better came along? Was I that gulliable to be taken in by your flattery? As if I didn't already find it hard enough to trust people already.
More About: Rent , Appa , Parent , Pare

FUN
2007-05-29 18:14:00
I swear I had some of this stuff in my life once upon a time but I appear to have misplaced it. I've checked everywhere for it but I can't find it anywhere. Have you got it and if so can I have it back? Someone seems to have replaced it and instead I have humdrum and ordinary with the odd splatter of sighs thrown in for good measure.Oh for those care free days where life was so much simpler, to hell with work the next day, let's throw caution to the wind and do something spontaneous and crazy. The fun these days seems to be just beyond arms reach, tantalisingly seductive, mocking me.Let's hope my forthcoming trip to Bristol at the end of June is where I'll find the fun again. If it's not there I may just give up.

It's All About You
2007-05-26 21:14:00
I sometimes wonder if you ever take even a second to think about how I'm feeling. Sure life is moving fast and there never seems to be enough time to do all the stuff that you need to do in your oh so important life, but have you stopped yourself and thought about the consequences of your actions and how they effect those around you? I've always put you first before everyone (and they don't even realise you exist), even myself and I feel stupid for doing that now because I believe, now more than ever, that this was never reciprocated. I spend night after night alone transferring myself from in front of my daytime work computer to my nighttime home computer and I talk to all these silent voices knowing I won't utter a vocal word all night. Can you imagine doing this night after night and I can't see an end to it.I thought selfless people were meant to feel good about themselves, putting the needs of others before themselves was meant to be a good thing wasn't it? So why do I fe...

Love Fool
2007-05-21 00:30:00
It's difficult to work people out sometimes especially those who seem to take an interest and then appear to go cold again.I wish we weren't all so complicated and just said, honestly, what we want from each other. Life would be so much simpler then. Yes it would take some of the excitement out of discovering people and what makes them tick and the way they think but I'm just so confused right now. It makes it all the more difficult when you only know them through the web. Tone of voice is lost in a typed message unless someone adds an emoticon, those delicate nuances that indicate what's really being said are impossible to recognise.I don't know if I'm being played for a fool right now. I feel as though I'm being needy and desperate but I just like the guy and want to know if something could happen. It's been too long since I had any sort of reciprocation like this and I'm trying really hard to not think too far ahead, to over analyse things, yet I don't want to miss the ...
More About: Love , Fool

Design Flaw
2007-05-12 23:05:00
The human body has to be the worst invention in existence surely. For such an advanced species are bodies are always there to let us down.I mean let's start with the whole getting older and deteriorating thing. What's up with that? Bones get weaker, the brain becomes more and more confused and everything starts to sag, wrinkle and generally fall off. It's not pretty!Germs, disease and bacteria engage in a constant battle to wear us down and make our journey to the '6 feet under club' come all the sooner.We have to eat and drink to lengthen our life span and then there is the whole issue of waste disposal. I mean come on, who thought that add-on was a good idea!Procreation has to be some galactic joke surely. Okay so the bit before is fun (so I'm told) but bringing that new life from out of that, well let's just say I'm glad I'm not a woman (add periods to that too).Yet with all this we try to make our bodies last as long as we possibly can. Whether it's through exercise, d...
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Me and My Big Mouth
2007-05-02 20:20:00
Remember a while back I told you I was being moved to a new section and was awaiting my release date from my present position, well.....So I come back off my lunch today and I've hardly got my butt on the chair when my phone rings. It's my Team Leader (she can't be bothered to walk for 20 seconds to my desk) and she tells me I've got my release date, oh and it's tomorrow!!Unbelievable, talk about giving me time to prepare, resolve (as much as possible) my current work load! Typical of this place. Well everytime I think about it now I have to go and change my pants. I'm nervous as hell I can tell you. No-one had bothered to officially say what's expected of me, what I'm going to be doing, who to see or when I need to be there. I'm expecting to get no sleep tonight and my finger nails to be gnawed down to a bloody pulp.I need a big hug to put me at my ease and tell me everything is going to be alright but in light of the well of loneliness I drown in on a daily basis, can I h...
More About: Big Mouth , Mouth

Surprises
2007-05-01 21:30:00
Isn't life meant to be full of these? So why do I feel that nothing ever changes. Routine is all well and good but sometimes I just wish something would change, preferably for the better. It's like I know exactly what is going to happen tomorrow.My alarm will go off at 6.20 a.m. and I'll hit the slumber button at least 3 times before I even think about dragging my sorry ass out of bed.I'll get to work and see the same old faces that, just like me, will be trying to just make it through the day without breaking down. I'll have my tea break at 10.00 a.m and then I'll have my lunch at 12 where I will smoke 3-4 cigarettes, try and read my book while a bunch of silly little girls squeal and giggle about how drunk they got at the weekend. I'll eventually give up and go back to work 1/4 of an hour earlier than I should do and then wait for 3.00 p.m. for my afternoon tea break. Come 4.30 p.m. I'll be racing out the door to put as much distance as I can between me and that slave labo...
More About: Ryan Reynolds , Rise

Memories
2007-04-30 18:45:00
So I was doing a bit of spring cleaning yesterday and came across a box with a mountain of old letters, tapes and cards.It was interesting reading through them again. All those letters with our 'incredibly important problems' written done. I have to say I cringed at a lot of the replies. Looking back they all seem so insignificant given what I've been through the last year or so. The most painful ones to read were the ones Julian sent me. Christ what were putting each other through back in our Uni days. I'm surprised we're not both in therapy. We were both so erudite in our responses yet we really knew nothing.It made me look at how far I'd come along in life and if I knew any better now. I came down on the 50-50 accomplishment but admitted I was still making some of the same stupid mistakes.There were loads of compilation tapes heaped together and I can remember making each and everyone of them and why. So full of angst and self loathing, slit your wrists kind of mix tapes. S...
More About: Mori , Memories , Memo

A Big Scary Unknown T.V. Special
2007-04-23 21:30:00
NeighboursSo "everybody needs good Neighbours" do they? Well where the hell are mine then?Saturday night 3.00 a.m. and I'm rudely awakened by what sounds like someone hammering nails into the wall and I'm thinking "you cannot be serious". I wait a while thinking it will pass. 20 minutes later and it's still going on and my irritation levels are rising so I head into the living room and take a peep from behind the curtains and there she is, the next door neighbour hammering on her door to be let in. Being closer I can now hear her screaming through the letterbox "How f**king dare you f**king lock me out of my own f**king house. You've got that bitch in there haven't you? I'm gonna f**king kill you." Heavy sighs and much muttering under my breath and I'm almost about to go back to bed when I see two guys start to walk up to her, I guess they were coming back from town heading home. Now I feel a bit wary of going to bed knowing she's on her own and two strangers could easily ha...
More About: Scary , Neighbours , Special , Unknown , Know

Desirable
2007-04-11 23:14:00
I want to be wanted! I want to feel that rush of knowing that someone out there would go to the ends of the earth to be by my side. Is it too much to ask for, that just one person would make the effort for a change and run after me? It doesn't seem fair somehow but I guess when the packaging looks like this you're not going to get many offers.I'm having a body self loathing phase at the moment and it sucks. Actually getting it all sucked out wouldn't be such a bad idea! I know it shouldn't matter the whole image thing but let's all be honest, we do 'judge a book by it's cover' first and foremost and the contents don't come till much later.I wish I had the motivation to join a gym, start running, getting the bike back out, just running up the stairs would be a start but all I do is think about it.More doing and less slobbing should be the order of the day!Well while I think on that let's all gaze on the very desirable Tom Welling!

Lost
2007-04-08 12:20:00
That one word seems to sum up every aspect of my life right now. I just can't seem to figure out why I'm here, where I'm going or what I'm meant to be doing anymore.Have I already reached my mid-life crisis at the age of 35?Work has been worse than usual lately. My days are turning into one long yawn-fest with little if anything to do and the days just drag on even longer than they have any right to do. I've spoken to my Team Leader about it but all she does is give me time filler type jobs that hardly tax the ol' grey cells.They are dangling another career carrot in my face again. Apparently I'm being moved from my present section to the Task Force team for 6-9 months to work on a new project/client that is coming into the workplace at the end of May. I supposedly have some experience in this new job and they want some people to, I guess, trial run it for possible problems/concerns. This is all well and good but I have no experience with the team and how they work and I feel...
More About: Lost