Big Scary UnknownBig Scary UnknownJust me getting through life with the world looking over my shoulder. Articles
Living for the Weekend
2007-03-27 18:50:00 Once upon a time, many moons ago I used to get excited come Friday afternoon. It usually meant straight to the pub to meet with your mates and not leave till they kicked you out at the end of the night. You'd stagger home, a kebab in one hand and the half pint of lager you couldn't finish in the pub so you sneaked it out to drink on the way home. You'd then wake up the next morning splitting hangover (well I did) and potter around all day then do it all again Saturday evening but maybe throw in a nightclub too.It seems these days the only reason I get excited about Friday afternoons is that I can put work out of my mind for a couple of days.But not this weekend dear reader. This weekend I'm off to shake my booty in York at one of OutEverywheres Mega Parties, I can't wait. I'm so excitied, it will be my first party event on the site and am looking forward to being swamped by (hopefully) gorgeous men. I've made a long weekend out of it and will be travelling up on Friday, comin... More About: Living , Party , Weekend , Week
Buffy - Season 8
2007-03-24 16:25:00 .flickr-photo { }.flickr-frame { float: left; text-align: center; margin-right: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } Buff y - Seas on 8, originally uploaded by PoetX. I'm sorry what's that you say Mark? Buffy? Season 8 ?!! You must be mistaken they're not doing any more of the hit vampire slaying show. Well yes you'd be quite right in saying this but Dark Horse comics and creator Joss Whedon have teamed up yet again to bring you Buffy The Vampire Slayer season 8. This is the only place where you will see what came after the decimation of Sunnydale and oh is it good!There was no way in hell that this was going to suck with Joss Whedon writing the first story arc and it's like 'the more things change, the more they stay the same'.Buffy, since sharing out her powers, now leads a slayer squad of 500+. She's turned all military gal on us and is now refered to as "Ma'am" these days. We got Xander on tech/deploy duties giving us his b... More About: Comic Books
Please Send Me Someone to Love
2007-03-21 22:50:00 Never in my, admittedly, few forays into the world of 'relationships' have I ever asked anyone out. I've either been asked out, unsubtley paired off with someone or drunkenly taken someone home one night and they stuck around for a while. It's a sad state of affairs when a 35 year male still hasn't the balls to go up to someone he likes and say 'Hey I like you. How do you fancy we both get to know each other and see if anything comes of it?" One of my greatest fears, faults and weaknesses in life is that I take rejection badly. I hate to feel ridiculed and feel less of a person. I know, I know, does anyone really. Everytime I feel this way an overwhelming tidal wave of self loathing drowns me and I doubt my place in this world. I know it shouldn't matter but other peoples approval means so much to me. I wish I could just be straightforward with people and tell them how I feel about them and not worry about the circumstances. I want to be brave and strong of heart and not let ... More About: Love , Please , Send , Lease , Ease
Why Are You Still Single?
2007-03-16 18:45:00 I was hoping to write something really deep and profound regarding todays post but as I started to read it back it just sounded like some pretentious drivel that made me sound like a wanker so I said 'Mark, keep it simple'. So I did......You've made me laugh till my sides split. I've had tears running down my cheek as I felt your pain. I'm constantly overwhelmed by your generousity of spirit. Your intelligence and thirst for knowledge astounds me. I've seen your bravery at taking those risks in life and whether they worked out or not, I admire your strong convictions. I've yet to see someone who can match your honest approach to life. I've wanted to hold you and take away the hurt. I'd like to give you everything you want and need in life. So you're almost 10 years my junior, should that ever make a difference? So you live what might as well be a million miles way, well someone once said, love is a matter of distance. And after all this I still haven't met you, you've ju... More About: Stil , Sing , Still , Single
Neglected
2007-03-12 18:30:00 Yeah, yeah I know it's been a while. I've neglected this blog, I've neglected your blogs, I've just been pretty neglectful all over really.Don't fret though you're not missing anything and as you can see very much still alive.I have a couple of things I want to get into and started on the web but I'm lacking enthusiasm right now. You would think with Spring creeping up on us unawares I'd be bounding with energy and ideas but alas no.Must make a commitment to get myself in order and motivated.I blame Final Fantasy XII !! Still on the plus side I've never seen my hit counter go up so much without actually posting!! More About: Neglect
Gay Icons
2007-02-27 21:37:00 Despite my 'straight acting' (god I hate that phrase) sensibilities I can often come across as glaringly and obviously gay. Take this evening for example. I'm at the town library looking for some new music to borrow and suddenly find myself in the Easy Listening section and before I knew it I'd picked out and walked away with 'The Essential Barbara Streisand', 'The Greatest Hits - Shirley Bassey' and 'The Dusty Springfield Story'. I might as well have been decked from top to bottom in pink tafata and waving the rainbow flag proudly screaming "We're here, we're queer, get used to it".Now I'm not criticizing my taste in music, I wouldn't have borrowed the above otherwise, but it did get me thinking about gay icons and why we choose them.What is it about gay men and their female icons? There's Madonna, Cher, Judy Garland, Kylie, Diana Ross and of course the aforementioned three amongst many more and it got me thinking, why do we choose all these women to look up to and p... More About: Icons , Cons
Straight Men are so Gay
2007-02-25 10:19:00 I remember a time when if you so much as looked at another man the wrong way you were heading for a fist in the face. Nowadays and especially from what I saw last night it's postively encouraged for groups of lads to grope, stroke and feel each other up in public. I find the whole concept most bemusing, all this latent homo-eroticism which they probably don't even know they are doing but place an actual gay male couple in front of them doing exactly the same thing and I'm sure they would revert to stereotype and become the ignorant thugs that they are proud to be.I blame proffesional footballers myself, always hugging each other and jumping up and down all excitied when one of them gets a ball in a net!Anyway, just something I noticed while I was out last night. Yes dear reader there are times when I do actually trip the light fantastic and take to the streets of Northampton and sample what nightlife it has to offer. For as much as I hate Northampton it does have surprisingly goo... More About: Stra , Straight , TRAI
I Shouldn't be Here !
2007-02-17 22:20:00 Right now I could have been knocking back a pint or two and mingling with in excess of 200 other homo's but I'm not, I'm on my own with just a bottle of red wine for comfort.There was a party organised on the OutEverywhere site (see badge to your left) I regularly use and they'd booked a bar down in London and I so wanted to go but I bottled it at the last minute. I'm so mad at myself. Why am I so nervous and shy about going out there and doing everything I want to do? Things aren't really going to change till I break out of this comfort zone and start to take risks. It's difficult though when you have to go it alone with no back up but as that isn't going to change anytime soon I suppose I'm going to have to take that deep breath and dive in.My future husband is there too, probably being pawed at by some creep who will steal away my chance of true love. More About: Here , Should
One of Those Days !
2007-02-15 19:30:00 While it's no secret that I detest my job I like to think that I'm bloody good at it. Whatever I'm asked to do, 99% of the time, I'll say yes I'll do it. If I'm at a loose end I'm always up for helping anyone else out that maybe struggling or just needs to catch up.What I do resent doing is having my work load doubled because the operational department are employing monkeys to do the work who think it's fun to swap parts of batches of work with other random batches. Okay none of this will make much sense but when these idiots try to force balance their work just so they can get home on time it totally screws up the next day accounts and all of a sudden there are huge discrepencies leaving the likes of me to sort out where all these debts and credits are going to match off. It's bad enough that they lose singular items on a regular basis, I can deal with that but when there are whole batches of items 'missing' I'm literally pulling my hair out.And to add to my stressful d... More About: Idiots , Green Day , Days , Those , Hose
Why am I not Surprised !
2007-02-14 18:15:00 Yeah I know it's not the end of the world and the sun will still come up tomorrow but it would have been nice to know that at least one person out there loved me and had sent me a Valentines Card but alas I came home to nothing but junk mail as usual.I did send one out this year via a website, only because I don't know their address otherwise the old romantic in me would have been showering the guy I've been besotted with lately with flowers and chocolate and cuddly toys.I sent it Anon which I know is pretty lame but I just don't have the guts to show my feelings, so as usual I'm doing everything backwards and before you know it he'll just see me as stalker material who has tried to buy his affections.I'm so infuriated with myself to tell you the truth and while I don't want to come over all cocky, it's like I know all the moves, know all the right things to say and mean them but I just can't put them into practice. I'm pathetic I know !!I'm off to drown myself in Gin no... More About: Rise
Crap Bloggers Anonymous
2007-02-10 01:21:00 *Sticks name badge to my t-shirt**Pours a mug of coffee from the Perculator**Grabs a doughnut**Joins a circle of fellow anonymous bloggers*"Hi, my name is Mark and I'm a crap blogger"*ripple of greetings from the group*"Well I guess my blogging days started nearly 2 years ago. I'd seen an online friend of mine doing it and he seemed to be really enjoying himself, getting his version of life out there for all to see and I really enjoyed reading it, I'd commented on his blog many times and it was at this point that I thought what the hell, why not give it a go myself.The first few posts were by way of an introduction, announcing my presence, how I'd got to this place in my life, the basics. Then it just started to take a life of it's own. I added counters, a chat box, other blogger sites I was reading, I joined up to a couple of blog traffic sites to get more people to come and have a look. I even had a brief play around with HTML. The first year was a blur and I couldn't tell y... More About: Crap , Bloggers , Anonymous , Logger , Blogg
Film Funtime with Man Flu !
2007-02-04 15:50:00 I'm calling it Man Flu as women don't seem to think that men actually get sick and if they do they all make the symptoms so much worse than they actually are. So to appease the female contingency I will downgrade my flu sysmptoms to Man Flu to keep up this female myth.Being sick does actually have more upsides than I had first envisioned. Firstly I can walk around all day in just my jogging bottoms and sweat shirt without having to think about getting dressed. I can slouch about on the sofa with my duvet and take as many naps as I please, after all my body needs to rest to get better. I can drink loads of fresh orange juice, which I love, as I need to keep up my Vitamin C levels. I can get the takeaway guy to deliver to my house rather than go and collect it (it's only up the road) as it would be wrong to leave the house in my present condition and worsen it. Bascially it's great doing as little as possible for a lengthy amount of time!The best thing though about this weekend of... More About: Film
It's at times like this....
2007-02-02 22:11:00 that I wish I had a 'significant other'!I'm ill. My glands are inflated like balloons about to pop. I'm wandering about the place like an 80 year old geriatric cripple due to the aches and pains emitting from my whole body and I haven't the energy to cook anything remotely decent.Saying that I did have to trudge my way into town after work today to stock up on cold & flu capsules, fresh orange juice, tins of soup and a bunch of grapes. I don't know why I bought the grapes, it just seemed the sick person type of thing to do!I'm now about to return back to the sofa to the warmth of the duvet, making a quick detour to the whiskey bottle to pour a generous measure for my medicinal pleasure.On the upside I did buy 'A Scanner Darkly' on DVD to watch this evening and when I got home there was a box of Amazon goodness waiting for me next door. Hurrah for the escapist joy of comic books. I'm about to delve into the early years of Spiderman and Dr Strange with the aid of the bargain... More About: Times , Like
Losing Touch
2007-01-28 19:11:00 I consider myself to be a very tactile person when around others but lately I've begun to notice the lack of touch in my life.Leaving aside the hugs I greet the girls with on a night out, when was the last time I put my arms around anybody and drew any sort of comfort from it?There's the old cliche of curling up on the sofa with the one you love, a bottle of red wine and a DVD but I'd be just as happy holding a hand. Of course that's a lie, I want the whole package, the giving and receiving of a warm embrace, the tenderness of a hand stroking your cheek and the pleasure of skin brushing against skin.And this is not just because I'm horny as hell right now. Direct human contact is sorely lacking in this guys life and I miss it.I can tell a lot about a person through their body contact. From those who go stiff (no not like that!) at the mere approach of two encompassing arms to those who shake hands just that little too strongly and briskly. It can all be read and interpreted.So ... More About: Sing , Touch , Ouch
I'm Back !
2007-01-26 19:57:00 Though there were moments where I thought I may have completely lost it and would be posting this from a prison cell, arrested for voluntary manslaughter!They say you can't pick your parents and if that's the case can someone just tell me I'm adopted please.It seems everytime I meet up with Dad things seem to degenerate all the more faster with every year that passes. You would think we could manage to keep conversing in a civil manner for 7 days wouldn't you. I don't think it's too tall an order to achieve.I'm going to wipe myself completely free from blame with this one and place it squarely on Dad I'm afraid. He just can't express any other emotion but sarcasm. It's almost as though he wants to pick a fight every minute of the day and there are only so many times I can bite my tongue and limit his satisfaction in getting to me.It's almost good to be back home again if it wasn't so damn cold in the flat!I can't say it was all bad. At least there were a few good meals... More About: Back
Bad Blogger !!!
2007-01-16 18:45:00 It's seems ages since I last blogged but really there's been very little happening and I'm fed up of the whole self harming posts where I bemoan my life over and over again. So I thought I'd give you all a break and me too! I've not even been keeping up with the rest of you either but I promise to rectify that as soon as I've finished this post.Like I said, life has just been plodding along, work has been deadly boring with little if anything to do, so I've been sat there twiddling my thumbs and inventing new ways to do away with some of my work collegues.Bought a lot of DVD's lately and with the lack of anything worth watching on 'real' T.V. have made up my own T.V. station consisting of episodes of BattleStar Galactica, Twin Peaks, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The 4400, American Gothic, Millenium and Nathan Barley, interspersed with some feature films.Getting back into my addiction with American comics has been great fun but I am limiting myself to 10 titles a month, altho... More About: Battlestar Galactica , Blogger , Comic Books , Logger
I just don't know what to do with myself!
2007-01-04 22:30:00 How's that saying go? "Like a boat without a rudder" well that's me, completely directionless. So this extra bit of cash has allowed me some luxuries of late and that's been all well and good. I've been able to eat well (my waist line can testify to that), I've been able to go out with my friends, I practically have a new wardrobe of clothes and my media collection has blossomed again. Yet there's still something missing.I have no focus in my life. I'm still doing the same old things. Getting up, going to work, coming home and then off back to bed again and repeat. I listen to those around me and they all seem to have things going on in their lives, goals they are hoping to achieve and while I'm listening all I do is sigh, wishing it was me.My brain has been set on mush for so long that it's forgotten how to think. There must be something I want to do, something I can get passionate about and keep working at until I achieve it. I'm getting to the point where I think I hav... More About: Now What , Know , To Do
Strangers in the Night
2007-01-01 04:20:02 Well that was interesting! Saturday afternoon with not a lot on (now there's a surprise) so I pop open MSN messenger to see who's about and almost immediately I get a message from J (I'll abbreviate for now pending permission from person). J is a good friend of mine from my days at Northampton college and chatting to him today brought back a lot of memories, all good ones too!I remember seeing him around college before we actually got round to talking to each other and it was funny because we both kept seeing each other around campus and smiling but we would just walk past each other time and time again. Thank god J eventually got round to saying hello or I'd never have got to know a really decent guy, believe it or not, I was devastatingly shy with new people back then.After that things just seemed to mesh with the two of us really well. We would talk about what we were both passionate about, in those days it was music, books, films, the usual stuff. We would sit for hours watc... More About: The N , Night , Rangers , Anger , Strange
Don't look back in Anger
2007-01-01 04:20:02 So there we have it, another year passes, a few extra inches around the waistline and more grey hair to cover. Still all's well that ends well.As regular readers of Big Scary Unknown will know 2006 for the most part was not kind to me. My sanity was well and truly tested but I muddled through just like I've always done. Yet with some financial help from beyond the grave the final few months of the past year life turned around a few degrees and I can now finally see events beginning to move forward rather than standing still.To think of all those months I endured of feeling alone, tired and weary of all that life threw at me and I'm still here on this planet feeling a little stronger, a little more confident in myself and knowing there are people out there who care.Highlight of the year has to be the trip to Edinburgh to surprise Duncan for his birthday. I'll never forget the look on his face when I walked into the bar they were drinking in. Surprises of the year were the birthda... More About: Back , Anger , Look
A Culinary Interlude - Xmas for One
2006-12-24 22:13:02 Well all the Christmas shopping is done and the menu for tomorrow is all planned out. It would have been nice if I had someone to share it with but those are the breaks and I'm certainly not going to deprive myself of the full culinary experience that is the Christmas dinner so without further ado I present you with the gastronomic orgy of food I will be consuming tomorrow!BREAKFASTSmoked Salmon & Scrambled EggToast with jersey ButterFresh Black CoffeePlenty of Bucks Fizz****LUNCHCarrot & Coriander Soup****Roast Beef served with a Dolcelatte & Port SauceRoast Potatoes, Seasonal Vegetables and Yorkshire PuddingsAll washed down with a Burra Brook Shiraz 2005****A Selection of Continental Cheeses with a glass of Port****Christmas Pudding served with Extra Thick Channel Island Brandy Butter****SUPPERHot Mince Pies with Double CreamLots of Whisky!If someone could book the ambulance for about 8.00 p.m. so I can have my stomach pumped it would be much appreciated. More About: Inter , Culinary , Xmas
Bah Humbug !!
2006-12-21 10:10:02 Santa Hat Originally uploaded by PoetX. I'd been planning this post for the past few days but after this afternoon at work the actual content is likely to change dramatically to what I had in mind.I've been happier than I've felt in a long time these past few months and I'd like to think my happiness has been noticed not just by my close friends but by my work collegues too and for the main part it has. Yet there is always someone who wants to pull you back down and make you miserable again. My whole day was ruined by one person today and I can't clear these thought s from my head. I know the problem with her, she's a bitter, twisted, old cow who hates to see happiness and joy in others but to turn round to me today and say that 'I' was miserable and brought the whole team down was a huge slap in the face and she said this all this while I was wearing that Santa hat. Does a miserable person wear a Santa hat to work? Does a miserable person spend almost £20.00 on thei...
Have a Heart
2006-12-14 22:06:02 boy_and_heart Originally uploaded by PoetX. HEART (n.) organ which makes blood circulateAnd yet we still associate this organ with that term 'love'. Has anyone really had their heart 'skip a beat', 'pound faster' or 'flutter' when they see someone they're attracted to. Maybe I've just never been in love before as these kind of events never seem to happen to me. I still think it's a load of old codswallop though. Now I'm as romantic as the next person probably more given half the chance but I'd like to think I could express these feelings in a more tangible way than some cardio vascular defect! God this time of year really pisses me off and it's not just Christmas, god help you all when it gets to New Years Eve (the couples holiday). As I stroll though the shopping centre I see all these couples, arm in arm, gazing all glassy eyed at each other in the warm glow of seasonal tidings. I just want to shove them out the way so I can get my shopping done without havi... More About: Hear , Heart , Have
What Ifs and Maybes
2006-12-11 22:04:02 The Thinker Originally uploaded by PoetX. The eternal dilemmas of what if I'd done things differently then maybe......As I've been sat alone at home the past few weekends thoughts have strayed to certain people left behind, to those still left in my life and 'maybe' the people in my future. I know I've been stupid in the past and seen people I should have cared more for disappear into the distant horizon and those 'what if' questions and their 'maybe' answers flood my thoughts.-What if I hadn't cared so much about his age being a problem then maybe I'd still be with him now.-What if I hadn't said 'I love you' so soon maybe I wouldn't have scared him away.-What if I'd grown a set of balls and told them to go screw their job then maybe I'd be in a better one.-What if I just packed up and left then maybe I'd be missed.-What if I didn't care so much about what people thought of me then maybe I could start just being myself.-What if I could fall in love with s... More About: Hat , Maybe , What If
The 'C' Word
2006-12-04 21:58:02 Christmas Tree Originally uploaded by PoetX. Right let's get this straight from the start, I am not adverse to the Yuletide spirit. I'm not some moaning old Scrooge type but for crying out loud folks it's only the 4th of December and already I'm being bombarded by sights of christmas trees, sounds of tacky Christmas songs on the radio and of course the hoards of shoppers in town getting in there early to buy there loved ones presents.Now I expect the shops to have their Christmas displays up in the middle of October, that's a given but for people to have their trees up already for the radio to be playing the bloody Pogues and Slade constantly it's just too much, too soon.There are 20 days to go till the actual 'event' are you all not going to be so fed up of it all, that by the time Christmas Day comes all the magic and sparkle will have dulled and the needles off the tree will be in a pile around the base of a lack lustre skeleton of a Christmas Tree.I suppose I sho... More About: Word
iPod Love
2006-12-03 03:55:08 iPod Love Originally uploaded by PoetX. So I went into HMV, took a deep breathe and went 'Oi you, I want that iPod Video 30 GB in black and I don't want any excuses' The nice lady scurried away and a burly chap later emerged from the back of the shop and escorted me to the counter to pay for this dream machine. Yes folks I bit the bullet and bought an iPod. How did I manage all this time without one. It truly is a godsend. No longer do I have to put up with the inane chatter of my fellow travellers on the bus to work. Now I can sit back in bliss to whatever melodic harmonies take my fancy. A trip through town now is like a walk in the park. There's a bounce in my step and I don't get half as annoyed with all the rude people as I used to.It has taken me the past few nights to put all my ITunes library onto the iPod but it's been worth it and I still have just over 10GBs left to add all my new music onto.First tune played - Snow Patrol 'Set fire to the Third Bar' off t... More About: Ipod
Something on the horizon?
2006-12-02 15:54:09 Although I don't want to say too much about what's going on at the moment as I don't want to get my hopes up too much, there maybe some good news financially speaking in the near future.I've had a letter from Prudential wanting to get in touch with my Mum's next of kin which of course is me!! I gave them a call and once I've provided the correct documentation, there maybe a policy that could be paid out to me. This would be great news if it's true. Regardless of the amount, any help at the moment would be much appreciated.But like I said, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. It could be next to nothing and I'm certainly not expecting thousands, though that would be nice (no stop thinking like that, it won't be that much!!!).In other news......Well actually that's it really! More About: Methi , Something , Thing , Izon , Some
Guilty Pleasure
2006-12-02 15:54:09 Over the past couple of months I've been revisiting an old televisual friend of mine that has always brought back some good memories of times past. I know a 35 year old man (even a gay one at that!) really shouldn't be watching this kind of programme anymore and should have moved on to more adult orientated material (no not porn, you dirty minded people) but Dawsons Creek has always been close to my heart.So here they are folks the original flawed four, Pacey, Jen, Dawson and Joey. My four favourite t.v. friends. It didn't matter to me that the critics panned the show for inaccurately portraying youth dialogue, the writers preferring to give these four, then countless other talented actors that came after, a brain to use. If only the youth of today did speak like these guys instead of using the 'whatever', 'am I bovvered' kind of attitude to communicate with each other, maybe they'd get further on in life rather than popping countless babies and queuing up at the dole office... More About: Guilt , Sure , Pleasure , Guilty
Finally !!!
2006-12-02 15:54:09 Yeah I know I haven't written a proper post for a while and so here is another mega-post to make up for it. There's a lot I need to let you all catch up with!Regular readers will no doubt be aware of my financial woes over the last couple of years and how I thought I'd never see the end of this dark tunnel. Well I've emerged into an oasis of light and I've never felt better. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from off my shoulders and I can breathe and start afresh.You may remember a few posts ago I had received a letter from the Prudential looking for the next of kin of my late mother. I sent off all the documentation they required as proof of who I was and thought it would be months and months before I'd hear anything back and even then I wasn't placing all my hopes of anything too good coming from it. So, to cut a long story short (I'm dying to get to the good parts), a couple of weeks ago I received another letter from Prudential with a cheque that has enabled me t... More About: Final , Finally , Fina , Ally
Guilt
More articles from this author:2006-12-02 15:54:09 devil_angel Originally uploaded by PoetX. I know this will sound insane but stick with me. I'm having problems spending this recent financial windfall. Before anyone says it, I don't need any help in spending it thank you very much!!! I can hear my Mum screaming at me now saying "Burning a hole in your pocket isn't it?" but it's not that either.It's not as if I haven't spent any of it yet. The little Angel on my shoulder has been congratulating me and telling me what a good boy I've been in paying off my debts and it's quietly agreed with me when I've treated myself to some DVD's, C.D.'s and new clothes. The Angel even backed down when it came to the Edinburgh trip because after all I was going there to surprise a friend on his birthday.On my other shoulder I have this naughty little devil and it keeps reminding me about 3 'luxury' items that I've wanted for ages. Now these items aren't particularly cheap but in relation to what's in the bank purchasing them... More About: Guilt 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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