Big Scary UnknownBig Scary UnknownJust me getting through life with the world looking over my shoulder. Articles
Never Second Best
2008-05-02 18:40:00 For the last 6 months you have been my life above all else. No one has come close to being my priority in life, even me.I took everything you threw at me and still stuck in there because you were worth my time and effort and because of course I loved you.I never thought it would eventually happen, where I would finally find someone who would love me for who and what I was but I did and that was you. It scared me sometimes the pure intensity of your love and was literally lost for words. I couldn't express in a text message, an email or even to your face how hearing you tell me you loved me felt. I still can't and that is why I knew it was real. Love is indescribable, you just know it. This week with you away has been the worst week since I met you, having you so far away made me feel lonely and insecure again. I needed something to do to keep my mind occupied to push back the hurt or else I'd just sit there and cry. So I immersed myself into work, cleaning the house, going to bed...
The Last Stand
2008-01-26 00:20:00 Right now I could sit here and flood this page with everything I'm feeling. Everything that's running through my confused mind could be thrown down here for all to see but it wouldn't change a thing. I don't think there would be enough space to explain it all, to even attempt a coherent stream of sentences that would make this all make sense would be a feat in itself. I have no answers anymore, no solutions or escape plans so I'll just hold it all inside till the pain goes away. It's not in my power to make things better, I'm an ineffectual fool who tried to hold onto something pure and good that I didn't deserve. I was found out and it was taken away from me.I can't see a time when I will post on here again, if there is anyone out there that has been reading this and still wants to stay in contact then email me.Goodbye everyone, it hasn't always been fun but at least it's been honest.Mark xxx More About: Stand , The Last Stand
Gizza a Job !!!
2008-01-17 00:22:00 I'm looking for a new job. Crikey it's a daunting task! I thought the Internet was meant to make this kind of search so much less complicated but I'm overwhelmed with it all. I think it's because I want this new job so badly, not least because I want to be closer to someone geographically. It may not sound like the right reason for looking for a new job but it's the right reason for me.Sure my present job sucks and is poorly paid and I could really do with working for a business that values my contribution to the work place with more than a pat on the back but all that really does come second to that of being with someone I care so much for.For various reasons I've not really put my back into this search and got off my arse and really looked but in light of current events this is my number one priority. So has anyone got any advice or recommended sites to find a new job in Leicester? They say it's not what you know, it's who you know when looking for jobs so if anyone has an...
Bad Boy Blogger
2008-01-02 21:55:00 So the New Year is upon us and I really should start to make amends in regards to my blogging ways for a couple of reasons.Firstly I've been very lax in reading my fellow bloggers musings, I've dipped in on the odd occasion but have stopped commenting altogether. I've been so wrapped up in my own life that I've let other people fall by the way side regrettably and I plan to make up for that very soon.Secondly it was brought to my attention that maybe I share too much personal stuff on this blog and if the people I speak about here were to ever read this would they feel comfortable in having their role in my life splashed all over the Internet. Thing is I don't know what else to write about except what goes on in my life and how it affects me. Sure it gets close to the bone on occasions but it never crossed my mind how other people would see it. I find it difficult to write here now this thought has been put in my head and I find myself censoring my thoughts and writings. Maybe ... More About: Blogger
So this is Christmas.....
2007-12-25 13:34:00 Expected this day to be full of smiles and contentment mixed with expectation of your arrival at the end of the week but instead I half heartily cook my Christmas dinner wondering if I'll be able to eat one mouthful without crying.You were in my thoughts when I fell asleep last night and you were the first person I thought about when I woke up on the sofa this morning. I miss you so much J.I wish this was all a bad dream and I woke up again on Monday morning with me in your heart but no matter how hard I pinch myself you're still not there.I love you J and always will. More About: John Lennon , Merry Christmas
For J
2007-12-24 19:39:00 .....because I know you're reading this.On the 10th of November someone amazing came into my life. I wasn't prepared at the time to find someone so special so soon but there you were. That night you pulled me close and kissed me and from that second I was yours completely.The passing weeks have been like a fairy tale come true, my dashing Prince Charming at my side making me feel like a million dollars. I couldn't believe my luck.Hardly a day went by when we didn't talk, text each other or somehow let each other know we were thinking of each other. If there is somewhere above Cloud 9 then I was on it, telling everyone and anyone I'd found the one person who made me feel complete. I grinned from ear to ear the whole day long and my dreams were only of you.But now you're gone and nothing seems to work now. The tears never stop falling and the pile of Christmas presents I spent weeks deciding on will now gather dust in the corner of the room.You had all of me, you still do, no on...
Words
2007-11-28 23:21:00 Sometimes words just aren't enough, despite their being thousands upon thousands of them to choose from there's never enough to explain how and what you feel but we still try and explain. They may come out wrong or misunderstood but we still attempt to put words together and make sentences that will hopefully make sense. Here are my words made into sentences.....I never have a schedule for my heart, it beats with it's own mind. When you were there it felt like it was about to explode. It was as if it needed to be so close to yours that it would have forced it's way through my chest to get at your heart. It feels as though it's about to stop beating forever now. It's confused and sitting idle. My heart knew you were the one it wanted, whatever you choose to believe. I know it's made some bad choices in the past, in hindsight some pitifully unsuitable choices and this has doubted your thoughts on how I feel for you now. Like I've already said there are no words that I can conv... More About: Words
Walking In My Shoes
2007-11-22 19:32:00 The last post was a bit severe wasn't it. I'd been drawn into an argument with a guy I'm 'dating' at the moment which, while I won't go into the details, I still don't think I was at fault with. I was hurt, angry and doubting the way I lead my life and how others must see me.Fortunately it all worked itself out and I had a weekend of kisses and cuddles with a gorgeous young man who I'm quite taken with.James, thank you for your kind words of advice from the last post. Everything you said about me was true, I am too eager to rush into a relationship. Thing is I don't do this lightly or with any thought. I'm not going to settle for second best, so if I didn't think that there was something there at the start I wouldn't bother. I guess I've been pretty lucky this year, the 3 guys that I have landed with were all the kind of people that I could see a future with.Given all that, the future with this new guy is unsteady to say the least. I'm really not sure where I stand wit... More About: Shoes , Walking
How Many Times Can a Heart Break?
2007-11-16 19:00:00 I don't see how my heart can take much more. My life this year has been one heart break after another and I don't see any signs of this stopping.I wish I could put into words what has happened this week but there are none. It's all become so complicated and disastrous that whatever I put here I don't think could do justice to it all.I've had it with men, they cause me nothing but hurt, even when I have the best intentions somehow I screw things up and I'm the one crying in the middle of the night. I'm the one in a state of confusion.There must be something wrong with me. I'm the fucked up one who can do no right and now I just feel that I'll never trust myself with another man again for fear of ruining anything we might have. I'm considering re-naming this blog 'Heart break Hotel' as this is where I seem to have a permanent room paid for. More About: Break , Times
Out of the Blue
2007-11-10 12:52:00 What's that saying, "Never count your chickens before they're hatched"?Despite doing everything I could I'm apparently only friends material. I was honest and open with him all the time. I told him how I felt and I thought we were heading in the same direction but at 4.30 this morning I received a message telling me that he only wanted to be friends.In the space of 12 hours after a phone call arranging today's date and generally having a chat and a laugh events have taken a 180 degree turn and I'm no longer making my way down to London which I should be doing right about now.So I guess he met someone better last night when he was out.I'm devastated to say the least, what is it about me that people think they can lead me on and mess with my heart so easily? I'd be lying if I didn't say I saw this coming. It was all too good to be true. Good things like this just don't happen to me and despite hoping that this was my time at last and leaving all those negative thoughts aside,... More About: Blue
It's A Fair Cop
2007-11-06 19:08:00 I think it's pretty fair to say that I'm the kind of person who is ruled by their emotions. There are times when I can be hyper sensitive and despite trying to hide it or breathe for a second or two, I dive right into the madness and do myself no favours in the process.I wish I wasn't so ruled by my heart and let my head do a bit of thinking once and a while then maybe I would see that everything in life is good right now. I have nothing to worry about or fear unduly over. Unfortunately this is when I'm at most sensitive, it's as if I'm trying to preempt the fall which probably isn't even there. I'm not going to let this happen again. I'm going to chill right down. No eagerness, no over analysis and certainly giving my ever increasing heart rate a rest.It's time to think things through first before I act.This moment in time is far too good to waste on unnecessary obstacles.I'm worth everything that is happening in my life right now and more besides. More About: Fair
Wanting
2007-10-31 22:56:00 My heart still beats faster when I see you log in and I wait for that first of many messages which we'll pass through the night and yet I still can't tell you how I really feel. It's too soon to tell you that I crave your hand in mine, that the tantalising smell of your body still lingers in the back of my mind and the softness of your kisses on my neck left a mark that no-one can see.I want to tell you I'm afraid, scared that you'll meet someone better this weekend, that those lips and hands will find someone elses and all memory of me will be erased like I never existed.I've never had someone treat me as well as you did that day, who's only concern was that I was happy. I felt special and that was all down to you.I want to tell you that I don't want to lose you when we've only just begun. I want you to know that I can get paranoid sometimes, that I imagine all these awful things that may never happen and the only thing that would scare them away is to be held in your arms...
The Date
2007-10-28 12:47:00 Yesterday I went on what was probably the best proper date of my life. Everything was just right. For those of you just passing through I have been having this on-line 'thing' with a Scottish guy called Stu who lives in London. At first I thought it was just banter over a forum based site that I use regularly and was just having a bit of fun with it not thinking for a second that this handsome, dark stranger was really interested in me but then he asked me out on a date! A proper, take you out and do fun stuff type date. I've never actually been on this kind of date before and to say I was a little nervous to begin with would be an understatement.What was I worried about, I had the best time!Meeting me from Euston station he whisked me off to the Barbican to see an art exhibition. I could tell he was a little nervous which actually put me more at ease, realising that Stu wasn't going to be the 'man in charge' for the day and was just as worried as I had been. It was sweet.The ...
Jinxed !
2007-10-14 12:40:00 My word it's been a while since I was last here. It's been a strange old month and I didn't really want to put my thoughts down just yet as everything I put down here seems to jinx me but I'm fit to bursting and need to tell someone.So where to start......Work news - I've been pestered for the last 2 weeks to apply for a job internally where I work. One of the women has been promoted to Team Leader and she's left the office floor which has left her position as Process Expert open. I've had everyone but the janitor saying I should go for it. Praise has been heaped upon me from everywhere telling me what a great job I'm currently doing while covering for the 2 Process Experts who are away right now and that I'm wasted in my normal day to day role as researcher. It's got to the point where the Team Leader of the section I would be applying for taking me into the office and in so many words telling me she wants me to get the job. I don't want to tempt fate but it looks like I...
Belief
2007-09-23 23:30:00 In all my life I've never thought I was good enough for the things and people that made me who I am today. I gave up on so much, from that first recorder lesson when I was 10 years old right up to fighting for the man I fell in love with.I've always assumed I didn't deserve any of these things and that is why I am where I am today. I'm a spineless fool who, rather than standing up for himself, let others rule his thoughts and actions. I wish I could turn back time and change it all and start again. Go to that second recorder lesson, tell you that you didn't even give us a chance but of course I can't. I'm stuck with the decisions I made because of my weaknesses and I am weak. I'm a scared idiot, always worrying about what people will think of me. I should have stuck 2 fingers up at you all and said, I'm going to do it my way.Deep down though the real reason I've never achieved anything is that I don't believe in myself. You can give me all the advice, compliments and well... More About: Belief
What Next ?
2007-09-20 22:16:00 I rarely know what to put here these days. My life feels so much in limbo and apathy seeps into every bone. I feel so separated and far away from everyone I know both physically and emotionally. I wonder if I even know my own mind anymore. Life goes on around me and I just stand still watching it all go by or else I retrace already trodden paths. I don't have any answers. I don't even have a clue. Still think about Dale which I know I shouldn't but I still have feelings there. I've tried to ignore them and take an interest in other men but everyone I see either wants me only for sex or already has someone in their life. I'm beyond one night stands now. I mean what's the point? I've missed something along the way in life. I lost a very important part of my life where I just shouldn't have given a shit what people thought of me, taken the bull by the horns and rode it till it threw me off. At least then I would have felt I'd done something with my life. At least I'd have tri...
When Tomorrow Comes
2007-09-17 21:31:00 Oh God I'll be 36 !! Well it's not as if it will be any different than any other day. SSDD folks !!Things should be better though by now. I mean none us know how long we have on this rock so I'm guessing this is life as we know it now. I don't see any 'happy ever afters' for me. I was so close at one point this year and it's that teasing that I hate so much. "See what you could have won" as the curtain is pulled back and then you are whisked away back to square one.THIRTY-SIX !!!! Let's all get our hopes up for this year that things may improve and then watch as all my dreams and aspirations are cruelly ripped away from me yet again !36 !!!!!!!!Just be done with it and send me off to be put down ! More About: Tomorrow , Morrow , Tomo
Like a Yo-Yo !!
2007-09-12 20:51:00 I'm currently like a hormonal woman right now my emotional state of mind is all over the place and I've just not felt like talking much lately.On Friday I was sat on my sofa in floods of tears, then Saturday I was dancing around the living room to 70's disco tunes, all aided and abetted with copious amounts of alcohol. I feel a mess and I've been ignoring everybody who tries to contact me despite the fact that I probably need them the most right now.So if you've tried to contact me in whatever way and you've had no response, I'm sorry. It's just me going through stuff and trying to get a handle on it myself before I can brave it and say it out loud to someone else.
BlogTV.com
2007-08-31 20:46:00 So the webcam is up and running now and if I'm on you should see me down there in the screen below. I'm normally waiting for people to come in and chat to, of which I don't get many, so you will probably just see me there listening to music and gazing into the screen.Come in and join up. It's free and you don't even need a webcam to join in as you can type into a chat box and participate. Though if you do have a webcam then I can make you co-host and be seen by, well, a handful of people !!
The Kindness of Strangers
2007-08-27 14:14:00 So the bank holiday is almost over and we've actually had some fantastic weather for a change (not that I went out much) and for the first time in a long while I can actually feel myself becoming whole again and not some husk of a person that I've been lately.It's been a big help having Trish and James posting here, knowing that there are people out there that care enough without actually really knowing me warms me deep down and I thank you both from the bottom of my heart.Last night was a big turning point where I chatted to a guy I hardly knew from the OutEverywhere site. I didn't mention any names but I spoke a lot about Dale and what I've been through these last months and I don't know why but he made me feel so much better about the whole thing.There are still unresolved questions about the whole thing but they are always going to remain that way so I just have to let go of it all now.A part of me will always wonder 'what if' but I'm locking that away in a drawer and h... More About: Kindness , Range , Kindness of Strangers , Tran , Strangers
A.W.O.L.
2007-08-22 19:37:00 Yes I'm still alive. Well I'm breathing so I must be !! Not having anything to write home about of late so I took a break from the blogging. I could have written post after post about how fed up I am but what would have been the point. You would have all got irritated with me eventually.So like I said not a lot has been happening. Trying to find stuff to fill the lonely hours is hard work I can tell you. I think up half baked ideas that I don't follow through with and there I am back at square one again. Bored !Feeling very down on myself right now with little if any confidence but I do the usual thing and put a brave face on and pretend everything is alright with the world in front of others.Got my birthday coming up next month which to be fair I'm really not looking forward to. First year where there is going to be no-one around to celebrate with. I know I shouldn't care anymore, I'm going to be 36 after all, too old for birthdays now.Oh well this is my life now and I may as...
Touch Me
2007-08-12 02:04:00 I call it "skin hunger". The desire to touch another person. When you have been alone for so long it sometimes makes you feel like a ghost, as though you don't really exist. More About: Touch
Before Sunset
2007-08-05 20:14:00 This is a long clip but if you can just watch from about 6 minutes 30 seconds into it the Julie Delpy character knows exactly what I'm feeling right now and then the Ethan Hawke character is so like me and my eternal questioning of 'what if?' More About: Sunset , Fore
Struggling
2007-08-04 10:09:00 I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep motivated and positive especially now the weekend is upon us.It doesn't matter what I try to do to keep my mind occupied my thoughts always revert back to the past, to the present and how unsatisfied I am. Occasionally I catch myself wishing I'd never met him, then I wouldn't have known how happy I was back then, how full of life I had become. It makes the present even harder to bear and deal with.I know from previous comments that people will think that I need to just concentrate on me and making myself happy rather than relying on others but maybe that's just me. People need people to get through life. I mean what's so wrong with wanting to give someone your all and making them feel wanted, loved and above all, special. If it makes me happy seeing others I care about happy, is that such a bad thing? I feel so alone right now and the weekends are the worst as I know I'm not going to see anyone and before I know it 2 days will hav...
Laughter is the Best Medicine
2007-07-31 23:03:00 I've come up with a new laughter equation if anyone is interested. It just came to me a couple of days ago quite by chance. So how does this grab you?Blogger + Comments ------------------------- x alcohol = Laugh ter (((((((((Trish))))))))))You got me told off at work yesterday morning Trish. I was laughing so hard at your last comments that my boss had to come over and 'shush' me. It did put a huge smile all over my face for the whole day as I kept remembering what you had said. Cheers for the pick me up!So following on the theme of laughter I thought I'd post some youtube clips from one of my favourite comedies that is no longer with us, 'Smack the Pony'. The girls always leave me with a big cheesy grin on my face after laughing so hard. More About: Medicine , Medici
'Operation Janus' Begins
2007-07-29 22:08:00 Okay enough is enough. I'm done with the wallowing in self pity. Where has it got me? Nowhere. These past few weeks must have been just as torturous for you lot as it has been for me. Well I'm done with it. It can't go on so this week is a new beginning in getting my life back on track and moving forward. I've got a long struggle in front of me but it has to be done. Things have to change for the better or I'm just going to blend into the background and become invisible with only my neuroses for company.Small steps okay, so today I changed the environment I habit. I've let the place get a mess again and had basically made the sofa my wallowing pit. Everything was sprawled around it within arms reach. Laptop, magazines, coke bottles, crisp packets, sweet wrappers, empty coffee cups, ash tray near to overflowing, remote controls, everything was a mess. Out came the marigolds and everything got a spit and polish and this time it was for my benefit rather than someone else's. Sce... More About: Operation , Anus
Fairytale Endings
2007-07-28 00:06:00 They don't exist do they? Not even a little bit. My faith in 'Happily every afters' has been sent crumbling to the ground and nothing but dust remains.I only want to be happy, is that too much to ask for? Yet there's nothing left to hang on to for hope in this dark time.I just want to smile again and mean it instead of this painful facade of cheerfulness I put on from day to day to stop myself from breaking down. Nights are spent with silence, loneliness and alcohol. It's a sad state of affairs but with each new day nothing seems to change and I dread the weekend as I know it will offer nothing. I'm on my own now indefinitely. And all I can think about is what could have been if only you had given us a chance. More About: Endings , Tale , Fairytale
The Best Work Place in the World !
2007-07-25 22:01:00 Why isn't my office like this.....JUST CLICK ME TO ENTER WHAT EVERY OFFICE SHOULD BE LIKECould do with a few of those gorgeous guys too on our section !! More About: World , Work , The World , Place , Lace
Where Are You All ?
More articles from this author:2007-07-23 21:46:00 Now I know (if this thing actually works!) ......Create your own visitor map! More About: Where 1, 2, 3, 4 |
|
 |
|
 |
