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My Humps
2007-04-03 15:41:00
Oh my gods! I so needed this. Who knew Alanis Morissette had a sense of humor?!
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Lake James Adventure
2007-03-20 03:28:00
I told Selkie that we would be telling stories about this past weekend when we were 90. We set out to have a good time, and instead we got ourselves an adventure. Which of course must be better than a good time, right? So what if it involved a few most uncomfortable moments, or perhaps ...
More About: Venture , Adventure , James , Ames , Vent

Monday Ramble
2007-03-13 03:18:00
I love that picture! It is one of the entries in the AF Challenge. The title is classic, it does seem like they are laughing at some secret joke they only know about. There is still a couple more weeks left to get in entries for this month’s challenge, so you slackers need to get ...
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World AIDS Day
2006-12-02 16:44:06
Lisa and I watched some old home movies when I was home for Thanksgiving. One of them had Ric in it. It is hard to believe it has been 12 years since he died of AIDS. Doris and I talked of his struggle he faced dying in a small town in Oklahoma, the way they treated him at the hospital in Weatherford, the whisperings of the good people of Hydro, the lack of sympathy from all those good Christian folk. Sadly, I doubt it has changed much in that region today. I went and lit a candle in memory of him. Perhaps you as well will light one, if you do not know anyone has died of AIDS or who has HIV, you can still remember the millions who wait for a cure each day.
More About: World , Aids , S Day , World Aids Day

Crack This Nut
2006-12-02 16:44:06
Why am I still awake?! Oh, calculus test tonight, sociology discussion, guild forum stuff, aimless staring at the blinds behind my desk… the usual stuff. Found out today what we are doing for our company Christmas party… omg, they are taking us to the Nutcracker. I asked if I could get discreetly drunk before we leave. I also said I would bring someone a month or two ago when they asked us, but as time grows nigh, there is not a soul to take in sight. Nor am I sure I want to open that can of worms in my conservative environment of taking a girl. I guess I could pass a female date off as a friend, but jeez, I have not done that ever, and I hate to start now, but I also would like to keep my job. Looks like I am going stag, or I can think of a way out of the party all together. We will see. This weekend will be an exciting one. House cleaning followed by lots of studying. Finals are closing in and I do not feel ready at all. In fact, I feel quite a bit panicked. I am prett...
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Just Life
2006-12-02 16:44:06
What we know as ‘life’ is the analytical realization in the seriality of time of our eternal reality. - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei
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Class and being Schooled
2006-12-02 16:44:06
Oh yea, it is Tuesday, and I just got back from my weekly beating. Tonight was the last night of my beginners course for Aikido, and lets just say it beat all the others by far on working out these old muscles. On the plus side, I executed my first decent forward roll in practice, and did a mighty fine job on my backwards roll in actual combat practice, ie, someone throwing me. I knew that the forward roll was good, because one, the sensai said so, two, it did not hurt to do it, and three I did not see stars when I was done. I was a little tired though. Last night was a late one, though not nearly intentionally. The crush called me last night and asked me to dinner last minute, and of course I went. Though due to some stuff that happened last week, I will admit the crush is waning. I will not deny that I do find her attractive, but I am in no rush to push anything forward. if something happens great, if not, no biggies. We had a most excellent time at dinner. She took me to Benihan...
More About: School , Class , Bein , Being

In Honor of Avoidance
2006-11-27 16:06:01
I tinkered today. I was not really happy with the other theme as it was not my own. This one, now it has a sense of me to it. Besides, I needed something to take my mind of things, and it did a well enough job. It was sappy movie day today on the channels which did not do much for my mood. It is hard to put words to my mood; it is not meloncholy or even sadness. Like I said, I am having a hard time describing it, but it is very tangible in my mind. I think part of it has to do with the telling of the darkness in Portland. I had to tell Neal and Tracy some of it, though I could not bare to tell it all. Hell, I have not done that to a living soul I know. I told them the surface, to try to help them understand what happened to me. I do not think they understood it. It has been too long, too much distance. I just do not know what to do with it all.
More About: Dance , Honor , Avoid

I Am Home
2006-11-26 04:03:01
I finally got back into town around 1am last night. The flight back was uneventful. I slept pretty much the whole way. I usually do not sleep on the flight from OKC to DFW because it is such a short flight, but I even snoozed on that leg. I had a good trip. Spent lots of time with the famdamnily. Turkey day was great. After we stuffed our faces, I taught the niece and nephew how to do flips on the trampoline. I should have remembered I am not so young any more, because I pulled a groin muscle. I could barely walk the rest of that night, though I am much better today with only a slight twinge now and again. I spent some time with my nephew yesterday teaching him how to catch a baseball. Damn his father for not spending more time with him. At ten years old he should at least know the basics of that age old pass time. My poor nephew, now that is truly a story for another day. I also had a good time catching up with my sister. It turns out she had found an old video from the Christmas o...
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Happy Turkey Day!
2006-11-25 04:00:05
Greetings from Norman, Okie-homa! Just a quick note to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, with hopes that each and everyone has something to be thankful about. I have spent this morning with my family, holding my nephew’s hand as I hugged him close to me as we watched the Macy’s Parade. I am thankful for so much, but above everything, I am thankful for the wonderful family and friends who share my life. Now get! Go eat some turkey, or pecan pie, or too much dressing… and have a glass of wine for me, I could not find any anywhere in this damn town!
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Then There Were Three? Again
2006-11-25 04:00:05
So where to begin? Should I start with the fact that I slipped today and smoked 3 cigarettes? Or perhaps I should start with who I smoked those with? Or I should start with ending of the quest to find Tracy? What a hell of a day! I am so fucking tired. Okays, I will tell you the story… no, it’s too much, let me sum up. I gave up trying to find Tracy, decided to find Neal, but he is unlisted, so decided to find his Dad, then I did, and he called Neal, then Neal called me, after we talked he called Tracy, then Tracy called me, I spent last night on the phone with each separately for over an hour. So, so much from both of those conversations, but I am way too tired tonight, but I promise to get to them soon. I am tired because I had a meeting with Tracy this morning. Our first in over eight years. I did not sleep a wink. I went, nervous as hell, feeling like a four year old. So much to say about that. Then Neal came, and we all hung out. So much to say about that. So much a...
More About: Again , Here , Three , There , Were

Update From Okie-homa
2006-11-22 03:54:02
Holy crap! I am jonesing. I have not had a cigarette since before I got on the train Saturday morning. Some moments I do okay, but most I keep wondering if I can hold this up. It is easy to do it here around the famdamnily, but I know at home it will be a whole different story. So here I am, in Okie-homa! It is going pretty well. I did have a most interesting moment getting the plane in the ATL. When I first stepped on it and saw all the people in the cramped space, I almost had a panic attack. I felt it all start bubbling, but I pushed it away. It was most strange, because I am not afraid to fly. My first night back my folks took me to see the Clinton Country Jamboree, yeehaw! It was two and half hours of hillbilly fun. It was fun poking fun at the musicians inside my head though. None of them were all that great, probably the reason they where playing in the boonies, but it was mostly the blue hair crowd there, and I do not think they care. I also received the most devastating ne...
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Quick Note
2006-11-18 09:42:03
Just a quick note before I am off to bed. I fly out tomorrow to visit Okie-homa for a week. I will be back late Friday evening. I am not sure if I will have time to write when I am there, but I am sure enough will be whirling through my head to try. All kinds of stuff seems to be whirling through my head as of late, I have just not had ample time to get it all down. One thought weighing on my mind today was I found out the Crush’s sign. I had to ask did I not? She made me guess, and I guessed Gemini. Futile hope that she would be the star sign most suited for a Libra in the zodiac. Instead, she is a Capricorn, the worst sign suited for a Libra. To top it off, that was the same sign as Tracy. I feel almost as if history is repeating itself as the coincidences are eerily stacking up in this scenario. Beyond that, I have been single almost a year now. This is generally when I make some dreadful choice in women having tired of being single for so long, and then end up in a relatio...
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Giving Thanks
2006-11-17 21:39:03
I’m tired, though that is nothing new. I just got off the phone with my brother who was excited to give me the news that him, his wife, his daughter, my other brother and his son are coming to my Dad’s, where I will be, for Thanks giving. It has been a long while since we had the whole family together. It was the last time I was home over a year ago. For some reason it made me think of the first Thanksgiving Lea spent with me at my Dad’s. She had only moved in with me a couple of weeks before and this was her first meeting with my family. I guess I should have warned her a bit. My Dad lives in a trailer house out in the boonies. It is a two bedroom trailer, and not very big. We spent the first night asleep on the floor with my brother Jay and his wife on the pull out next to us, my other brother Bo and his wife of the time in the bedroom with their son, running around the house was Jay’s dog and my Dad’s dog and cat. As we lay on the floor I turned over ...
More About: Giving , Ving , Hank

Damn this Weather
2006-11-16 03:33:01
I am sitting here writing this and not at dinner tonight. Thanks to the storm that huffed and puffed and blew all day, the crush had a longer than normal drive back from Albany in driving rain, arrived in the ATL two hours later than planned and was too pooped to do dinner. Ah well. She did say she was going to be back in town the week after Thanksgiving and wants to get together then. I said that was fine, and I will probably even go. Though I do not think I will be going with the same enthusiasim. Ever got your hopes up for something, then it did not happen, so you start thinking maybe it just was not meant to be? I know how bad I am at reading into things, so I am trying not to think too much about it, but it still does not negate this feeling of being let down, and not by her, she could not help the weather, just by fate. Of course doubts try to ovewhelm as well. I think of all the reasons I should not be looking her way. She lives seven hours a way, she is involved with someon...
More About: Weather , This , Damn

Oh! The Pain!
2006-11-15 09:30:01
Yea, I am pretty sure I broke something tonight. Not sure if it is shoulder, or a rib, or my back, it all hurts pretty much the same, not to mention the legs of jello. Yes, it was class #2 for Aikido. We practiced our backwards roll, which I still suck at, but was told it could take up to 3 months or more to perfect it. We also learned the forward roll, which I thought would be easier than backwards, but it turns out that I was wrong. It is a cross between a cartwheel and a barrel roll, neither of which I was ever very good at. I can picture in my mind’s eye my fat ass tumbling about, and it gives me an internal cringe, but practice makes perfect and so I shall practice and practice some more. On the bright side, they did say we where all far enough that if wanted to attend normal classes we could, but I think I will wait until I am all the way done with the beginner’s class. I figure this week, judging by the way I feel, I will probably be sore for another three days, ...
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Power of Emotions
2006-11-14 15:24:01
It is important to recognize the power of our emotions–and to take responsibility for them by creating a light and positive atmosphere around ourselves. This attitude of joy that we create helps alleviate states of hopelessness, loneliness, and despair. Our relationships with others thus naturally improve, and little by little the whole of society becomes more positive and balanced. - Tarthang Tulku
More About: Power , Emotions , Motion , Emotion

Fried Day
2006-11-14 03:21:02
Where to start? How about the Indian Summer we have been experiencing. The weather has been beautiful with the highs in the 70’s. Of course fall will be coming back with a hint of winter to come over the weekend, but these last few days have been a nice break. It has been passing strange seeing all the leaves in their various hues of orange and reds and feeling the heat of the midday sun. And what to do with a crush. Crush, crush, crush, the word feels strange coming out of my mouth. I cannot remember the last time I had a crush. An innocent teen angst type of feeling wondering does she like me like I like her, wanting to pass a note under the table with a picture of a heart asking to check yes or no, to send your best friend over to see if the object of affection feels the same. Strange feeling at 35. We spent an hour and half on the phone yesterday, an hour today, emails back and forth and dinner next week. She breaks at least two of my dating rules, probably three, and if I...
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So Be It
2006-11-14 03:21:02
I just got home from dinner with Lea, changed into a comfy pair of sweats, and cracked open a bottle of Pinot Noir. Not exactly celebrating, not exactly mourning, just a little laissez. The Pinot is an Australian vintage, I usually prefer the stuff from the Willamette Valley, that place of my madness that goes well with the blood red color, but it is a little pricey. I am on a budget these days, and this Australian stuff is not great, but it is not as bad as some stuff I have tasted out of Napa. It has a nice clean finish, and is a pretty damn decent wine for a Pinot under $10. Enough about the wine, let’s talk about dinner. It was suppose to be a little make up dinner, a little celebration that we could still be friends. It is a long story what has been going on there; one I do not feel like rehashing. Let’s just make a really long story short and say I got fucked. Totally my fault of course. I forgot all the reasons I left her, exposed my underbelly and then stared in ...

On Friends
2006-11-14 03:21:02
?No good friends, no bad friends; only people you want, need to be with. People who build their houses in your heart? ~Stephen King
More About: Friends , Friend , Ends

The Beginning
2006-11-14 03:21:02
I started my Aikido training last night. Wow, what can I say. I spent the whole time in awe that I was there, that I was doing what I was being shown. I marveled at the etiquette, pondered the techniques, and was amazed at the fear I felt attempting my first Koho Kaiten Ukemi. I felt hypnotized by the sensei’s counting during our warm-up: ichi, ni, san, shi, go. My legs shook as I stood in Kamae. I was honored to learn Ikkyo, my first teaching. My body is paying a price. I am so sore today, and it is only the first day, the second is always worse. I think it will be worth it. I am looking foward to the next class. I hope the soreness wears off enough I can practice some moves this weekend. This is only the beginning. I am looking forward to the learning that is to come. They said we would retrain our bodies, our minds, I can’t wait.

A Good Dream
2006-11-14 03:21:02
Holy crap, I finally had a dream that was not a nightmare. I dreamt last night that I was dating Natalie Maines. A weird dream considering I never really thought of her that way before. In my dream I had gone to her myspace page, and was wondering what the deal was with all her info. It said she was gay, was interested in women, and I was thinking what the hell, I thought she was married with a kid. The next night I was playing somewhere, I came off stage and there she was. She started hitting on me, we hung out and then made out. On our first kiss I remember thinking she had kissed too many boys because she kissed like she was kissing one and not a girl. My dream carried on for a while though our relationship. It was more like watching a movie as I watched us. I woke up feeling… happy, though I can not say why. Perhaps it was just the taste of love and lust in the dream.
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Contentment
2006-11-14 03:21:02
The feeling has overwhelmed me today, and for no particular reason. Perhaps it is my clean house, my fresh outlook, my new medication, my unconventional attitude or who knows. It started over the weekend and has progressed. Last night I marveled at the full moon as if I had never seen one before. It has sunk in and taken hold and colored my outlook in shiny hues of not quite happiness, but mostly just merely contentment. I like it.
More About: Men , Content , Tent , Contentment

Oh Yea
2006-11-14 03:21:02
Oh, what a beautiful mornin’, Oh, what a beautiful day. I got a beautiful feelin’ Ev’rything’s goin’ my way. You can go here to sing along. Or if you just want to pop it in a MP3 player, I will offer this download for today only. I thought I would spread around the feeling a bit this morning. I am not sure why I feel so light hearted this morning. Perhaps it was casting woes into the fire on All Hallow’s Eve. Perhaps it was the 20 minutes of meditation before I went to bed. Perhaps it is learning to understand that all is not black and white and there are shades of grey. Perhaps it is the new medication I am taking that has had me nauseous for days and I am entering delirium. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… who really knows, the feeling is there, and I intend to enjoy it. I have been overwhelmed by fears this last month or so. Fear of being alone. Fear of going just a little crazy in my old age (could it be Bipolar, or perhaps ADD, or something ...

Tarthang Tulku
2006-11-14 03:21:02
Reality is all-encompassing: the absolute nature is one. Although we may feel separate from the original uncreated reality - whether we call it ‘God,’ ‘peak experience,’ or ‘enlightened mind’ - through awareness we can contact this essential part of ourselves.
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Welcome Back
2006-11-14 03:21:02
West End Thespian was a brain fart of mine back in mid 2005. I was having some darker than usual thoughts, trying to figure out what to do with a relationship that in my mind was falling apart, and I needed somewhere to put it all down, so West End was born. I wrote under a pen name and never told anyone about it. It was the perfect hiding place for all those secrets I kept hidden away. I wrote here about Portland, about fears, about hopes and wishes, and much more. After the first of the year, after I purged my relationship, I felt I needed to purge my soul, so I purged West End. I started the New Year off with a clean slate in life and at West End. I eventually told one person about the site, and after that, I felt I could not write as I once had, so it more or less died. This past year has been a rough one for me, but what I have found is that through adversity, we grow. It is funny how life can go on at an even clip for so long, for years, and then turn it upside down, shake it ...
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Saying Goodbye
2006-11-14 03:21:02
“What do you have to do? Pack your bags, Go to the station without them, Catch the train, And leave your self behind.” so said Wei Wu Wei in Open Secret.
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