Improving Relationships

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Hidden Dimensions of Relationships
2008-04-23 21:09:00
Hidden Dimensions of Relationships What can we learn about relationships from physics? The super string theory has proposed that inside of the tiny quarks that are inside protons and neutrons are vibrating strings, minuscule filaments vibrating at different frequencies. This theory supports the idea that there are more dimensions of space than the three of which we are aware. A fascinating theory that may help explain why the universe operates the way it does.I started wondering if this idea of unseen dimensions might also be applied to relationships. In any relationship there is the outward behavior of each partner and the words they speak. This dimension is visible to both partners. Then there is the dimension of each person’s thoughts, which though not visible, but both partner know exists. The next dimension is the beliefs held by each partner. These beliefs may not always be within the awareness of either partner, but they can be uncovered with a little effort. And inside is t...
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Marriage: Now Is the Time
2008-04-15 18:36:00
Marriage: Now Is the Time In today’s fast paced world we quite often forget to take care of ourselves, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. All three of these areas have a huge impact on our relationships with our spouse. The tried and true answer to resolving these issues is time.Time can be our friend or our enemy. If we ignore the passage of time thinking that we’ll get to those issues later we will find that later, like tomorrow, never comes. Our health, physical, emotional, and spiritual health needs to be a priority. If we think about the time we spend preparing for a career and in performing in that career we can be astounded by how much effort we put into it.Now just think about your physical health. How much time and effort do you put into that? For some of us health issues have made us more conscious of what is needed to stay fit but just look at the national averages for overweight and obese people. The figures are shocking. And even more shocki...
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Marriage: Wake Up from the Trance
2008-04-15 18:33:00
Marriage: Wake Up from the Trance Have you ever felt that you were just going through the motions in your relationship? The days pass, you get up, you do the same things, you have the same conversations, you have the same arguments. Maybe you have begun to feel that you are two ships passing in the night. There is so much to get done and so much going on that you have lost track of the “us.� You may be in kind of a “marriage trance� where you are going through the motions of being married, but you have lost the concern and closeness that you once felt for each other.A Princeton Theological Seminary did a study on compassion. A group of Divinity Students, were given an assignment to prepare a sermon. Half of the students were assigned to prepare a sermon on the topic of the Good Samaritan, the man who stopped to help another man in need at the side of the road, and half were assigned other sermon topics. Then the students were told they had to go to another building to present...
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Healing Your Relationships With Your Parents
2008-03-19 22:22:00
Healing Your Relationships With Your Parents If you had a perfect childhood, you may not feel that you need to heal your relationship with your parents. But since most of us grew up in less than perfect some healing may be welcome.What is the thing that you have tried for years to get from your mother or from your father? Is it approval, unconditional love, or acceptance? If you are now an adult, I would like to extend a challenge to take hold of yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that your parents have been or are unable to give you what you want and need. As long as you remain where you are, waiting for them to change so that you can be happy, you will continue to experience disappointment and frustration. If on the other hand you want to take charge of your life and heal your relationship with your parents then I have some suggestions that might help: First of all know that there are times and cases where the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to avoid or mini...
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Appreciation Habit
2008-03-14 19:11:00
Appreciation Habit If you have ever had the stomach flu for a few days running and have been unable to eat, you know how incredible that first piece of buttered toast tastes. The toast has not changed, it is your awareness that has changed; your attention if focused on the experience of eating the toast and you savor it, enjoy it and are grateful to be able to eat. Think about the things that you regularly do each day with little or no attention. Anything that has become a habit falls into this category. You probably have your morning ritual, shower, dress, eat, brush teeth, most of which you could almost do in your sleep. In a way you sort of are sleeping. You are not really awake, aware and paying attention to what you are doing. How many of the things that are essential to our survival do we simply take for granted? If they were not there we would be miserable, but because they are always there we don’t even notice them. We don’t appreciate what we have because it just becomes...
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The Power of Acceptance
2008-03-14 19:06:00
The Power of Acceptance In the course of counseling couples we find that even when they come for help they don’t always want to fix their relationship. The obvious reasons could be thinking things like, we don’t need a stranger knowing our private stuff, it is too embarrassing to talk about, we can do this on our own, it’s not that bad, I’m only here because s/he dragged me. But there are also less obvious reasons as well.For some counseling is a last ditch “effort� before they cut out and run, so they can say, “I tried everything, I even went counseling and now I’m done.� This attitude has its root in selfishness and the main reason for divorce and relationship break-ups is selfishness. However, there are those who don’t really want to come because they are unsure about their relationship, themselves, about life in general. There may be an element of fear involved. Fear that they married the wrong person, fear that if things change their partner may leave or if ...

Death Knell for Relationship
2008-02-29 20:41:00
Death Knell for Relationship Treating your partner’s opinions, ideas, or values with distain or contempt is extremely toxic to your relationship. Comments like, “Are you ever going to get it?� “I don’t know why I bother talking to you,� “That is just stupid,� “You don’t know what you are talking about,� indicate a lack of respect for your partner. It is also possible to convey the message that, “I am better than you are,� without verbalizing it at all. Attitude, actions, body language and tone of voice often speak louder than any words you could use.A sense of superiority can be a death knell for a relationship. Whether it is you or your partner, you have to ask yourself either, “Why would I want to be involved with someone who is less than I am?� or “Why would I want to be with someone who thinks that I am less than he is?� When you frequently take the position that you are superior to your partner--that you are smarter or more attractive--you have ...
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Relationship Renewal
2008-02-21 21:53:00
Relationship Renewal In our counseling practice we are often asked to help people repair broken marriages. Often one partner wants to “win back� the love of their partner, who is adamant that they have fallen out of love. Sometime both parties want to find their way back to love. If you want to set your marriage back on track there are some things you will want to keep in mind. It can be very devastating to learn that your partner does not love you any more. Many people end up running in circles trying to discover the reason and find some way to convince their partner that they are still lovable.We have been programmed to think that there must be a pill or a quick fix for everything. People think, ‘If I can just figure out and do what it is my partner says they want from me then everything will be fine.’ Unfortunately this often only increases the problems. There is no quick fix. You have consistently neglected to do the little things that needed doing. That is how you ended ...
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If S/he Loved Me . . .
2008-02-15 18:51:00
If S/he Loved Me . . . "Two men look out from the same prison bars. One sees mud and one the stars." UnknownA young friend recently shared her thirtieth birthday experience with me:To her turning thirty was a big deal and she wanted to celebrate. She knew that her husband was in the middle of mid-terms as well as a heavy assignment load and that he would not have the time to plan a party for her. Knowing that her husband loved her, but was too stressed to make her birthday what she wanted it to be, she decided that she was going to make this special for herself. She got her three small children involved and planned and decorated for her own party. She said that she had the greatest day as she decided to treat herself and have fun that day. Consequently she, her husband and her family have wonderful memories of her thirtieth birthday. What a mature and self-empowering approach to life. Contrast this with someone moodily brooding and worrying that they were not going to get the party ...

Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship
2008-02-15 18:48:00
Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship "The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it." Al BattAs a marriage counselor I’m often asked what to do when things aren’t quite the way they should be at home. I can and do offer some advice but often I wonder, “Why did you wait till now?� It seems that people will go to the doctor when they feel a flu coming on or take their child to the emergency because of the way their head feels and their eyes look, yet when it comes to a check up for their relationship they wait until it is almost time for the undertaker.It really doesn’t take as much energy to maintain a relationship as it does to repair one. And if you wait until the only way you can communicate is by the smoke signals coming out of your ears then the damage is harder to repair and sometimes it is too late. People give up trying, saying that it’s just too hard and they are too tired to deal with it, fight about it or wo...

Grow Up or Grow Apart
2008-01-25 23:40:00
Grow Up or Grow ApartRecently a client came to an ah-ha realization. He commented that perhaps they got along better when they were dating because they recognized that they were two separate people but once they got married they started expecting the other to make them feel good. He explained that his thinking that had been, “if she loved me she would make me happy and because I love her I should be able to make her happy. I’m certainly not doing a very good job of that.�Often in relationships there is one person who get labeled as the “bad guy� or the “problem.� Sometimes each person is busy labeling the other as the “problem.� There is a break through moment when we realize that we need to give up blaming our partner and wishing that they would change in order for us to be able to move forward. You have heard repeatedly that the only person you can change is you. If we understand this, why are so many of us still waiting for our partner to make the first move so ...
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Simplify Your Relationships
2008-01-15 00:51:00
Simplify Your Relationships Simplifying our lives is an ongoing struggle in this fast paced technological world. We are encouraged to simplify and unclutter our lives to make more room for relationships. Is it possible or desirable to simplify our relationships?Do we make our relationships more complicated than they need to be? We make our lives more complicated than they need to be whenever we: Demand Others Be a Certain Way to Make Us ComfortableWe complicate our relationships by expecting others to behave as we would and make choices so that we can feel comfortable. We can simplify our relationships by accepting that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and preferences. We need to be clear about our own values and principles and become principle rather than preference based in our disagreements. There are going to be times where we will just have to agree to disagree and that is okay.Worry About Things Over Which We Have No ControlWorry, anxiety and stress complicate our rel...

Vacation Musing
2008-01-14 21:18:00
Vacation MusingRecently while on holiday in the Dominican Republic with my wife, I had the opportunity to meet a young family, a father, mother and two daughters. The oldest daughter might have been fifteen but probably was a little younger and her sister was maybe eleven or twelve. We had the opportunity to take a tour together and spend some time with them during that tour. Watching this family interact with each other and enjoy their vacation together was a blessing.I thought to myself that no matter what their life was like back at home, here they enjoyed each other’s company, they loved being together. Then as I continued to observe them I came to the realization that this vacation was just a continuation of their relationship at all times. This family was happy and well adjusted, it would not matter where they were or who they were with, they were happy with each other.As a marriage and family counselor, I perhaps see a disproportional number of dysfunctional families and I ...
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Are You Fighting With Your Partner?
2007-12-20 22:16:00
Are You Fighting With Your Partner ?Are you fighting with your partner or are you fighting with yourself and your partner is getting in the way? Internal conflict can spill over and create relationship conflict. For example, not feeling worthy of love, but wanting desperately to be accepted and loved can lead people to sabotage and doubt their partner’s love. Because of their inner state, they are unable to accept or feel the love that their partner offers.However, anything their partner says or does that confirms their belief that they are unlovable will hit them to the core and be burned forever into their memory. Often resulting in the conclusion that their partner does not love them. This conclusion feels totally true to them because it coincides with their belief and internal picture of themselves as unlovable. Sometimes people think that if they get out of an uncomfortable relationship that then they will be happy. Then some time later they find themselves in the same relatio...

Marriage: Give Your Partner a Christmas Gift for a Lifetime
2007-12-20 17:14:00
Marriage: Give Your Partner a Christmas Gift for a Lifetime “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.� Anne FrankOne of the best gifts a married couple can give each other is a change in focus. It is often our focus in the relationship that can cause pain, hurt, disagreements and miscommunications. As Joe Vitale teaches, what we focus on we get more of. Therefore the smart thing to do is focus on what we want in our relationship. Happiness. Joy. Friendship. Love.If you have ever suffered, even a little bit, from depression you will know how physically draining it is. What needs to be understood is that being negative takes more energy than being positive. That may seem a little silly but it is true. You may have heard people say, “It takes more energy to frown than to smile,� and that too is true.So what has this to do with a change in focus? As couples, the focus should be on the positive rather than the negative. This w...
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Marriage: Getting Better Results
2007-11-21 20:37:00
Marriage: Getting Better Results There is a common computer phrase, “Garbage in, garbage out,� that tells us the quality of our results will depend on the quality of our input. When we apply this concept to marriage we can begin to create better results.The first thing to do is evaluate the quality of the effort that you are putting into your relationship. If you want your relationship to be everything that you dreamed it would be, then you need to carefully consider what you are putting into it.To see top quality results your need top quality input. You need to not only avoid the “garbage in� behaviors like criticism, rudeness, neglect, withdrawal, dishonesty and defensiveness, but you need to replace them relationship-building behaviors. Replace Criticism with GratitudeUnlike criticism, gratitude always feels good to the receiver. Gratitude means noticing and acknowledging what your partner does that contributes to your relationship. Gratitude is an excellent motivator, it ...
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Talk Nice
2007-11-14 00:31:00
Talk Nice You have probably heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.� As much as this can be bad advice for relationships, it is good advice for self-talk. Self-talk being that inner dialogue that sometimes mimics our parents and that all too often consists of us yelling at, belittling or berating our self. The problem with negative self-talk is that it destroys our relationship with our self—our self-esteem plummets and our ability to cope with day-to-day difficulties decreases. Notice, for instance, what you say to yourself as you awaken in the morning. Do you greet yourself with, “This is a great day! I love mornings. I feel so rested and alive.� or is your self-talk more along the lines of, “Grroan, I don’t want to get up. I’m tired and I hate work.�The catch is that your self-talk will set the tone for your day. Basically you are either setting yourself up to succeed or fail by the thoughts and words that you re...
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When Your Partner Wants to Lose Weight
2007-10-30 22:38:00
When Your Partner Wants to Lose Weight You cannot motivate your partner to want to lose weight. The key in weight loss, as with any self-improvement, is that your partner has to decide that s/he wants to do something about his or her weight. Nagging your partner about his/her weight or making unkind comments about his/her appearance is counterproductive. If you feel you have to speak to your partner about his/her weight, the best way to approach it is from a health perspective. Saying something like, “I love you and I want to grow old with you. I am concerned about your health.� Your partner knows that s/he has gained weight and s/he doesn’t need to be reminded. What s/he does need is support in dealing the problem. Consider ways that you may unintentionally be contributing to the problem. Do you show your love with food and treats? When you spend time together, do you go out to eat, or do you do something active? Make you bonding time active time. Try swimming, walking, biking...
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The Path to Marital Bliss
2007-10-23 01:02:00
The Path to Marital BlissHappily ever after sometimes seems like a fairy tale, but having a happy marriage is quite possible. When we get married we believe that we will be happy. Then life happens, things get in the way, priorities change as life situations and stages change; kids, jobs, school, and life events, all take a toll on our commitment to be happy. We want to be happy but it seems that we just keep putting off whatever it is that we need to do to be happy.A marriage is not like a fine wine that get gets better with age and time, a marriage is like a great piece of art, it requires love, patience, creativity and skill to create it and time and effort to keep it sharp and vibrant. It becomes a life’s work and glory. The state of your relationship with your spouse says more about the kind of person you are than your career or the kind of car you drive. And yet people often worry more about their careers or cars, than they do about the state of their marriage, their spouseâ...

Applying the Serenity Prayer to Marriage
2007-10-11 22:28:00
Applying the Serenity Prayer to Marriage The serenity prayer gives us excellent advice for life. It is a simple prayer, expressing a profound truth. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.�This simple and profound truth, when applied to marriage can eliminate a lot of unnecessary strife and frustration. All too often in our counseling practice we deal with couples who have been married for 5, 10, 20 or more years, who find that they are presently having the same argument that they have been having for years. Still butting heads, with no resolution or satisfaction. What these couples need to realize is that in every marriage there will always be irreconcilable difference—issues upon which you will never agree, no matter how hard you persuade, push, argue or complain—and that this is okay. In these instances you need to agree to disagree and get on with life. As stated in the ser...

Marriage: The Grand Essentials of Happiness
2007-10-03 19:24:00
Marriage: The Grand Essentials of Happiness "The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." Allan ChalmersWe must realize that life will not always be fantastic. But that is not to say that we can't be happy when life is not so great. Part of that happiness is the security of knowing we are loved. Loved unconditionally, without rhyme or reason, loved just because we are alive and in our partner's life. This is the connection between love and happiness.Loving our partners unconditionally requires that we know them, very well, and that, with all their faults, quirks and foibles, in spite of these and perhaps because of these, we love them, no strings attached. So the definition of unconditional love and acceptance is this; the person is loved and accepted without reservation. There are no conditions for this love, nothing like "I love you when you take care of me," "when you are nice to me," "if you do what I ask," or whatever i...
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Your Brain on Sex
2007-10-03 19:17:00
Your Brain on SexAlthough people tend to think that sex and orgasm occur in the genitals, the intense feelings generated during sex, including the sensation of orgasm actually originate in the brain. Neurochemical changes occur in the reptilian or primitive brain. This is the part of your brain that commands your impulses, drives and emotions.Dopamine, the feel good chemical, is released in your brain when you do anything enjoyable, whether it is eating, making love, or accomplishing something. Dopamine is the neurochemical which fuels cravings. So when you think you are craving sex, what you actually are craving is the dopamine that is released in your brain when you have sex. Orgasm offers us the largest possible dose of dopamine, in a legal form. Researches have discovered that brain scans of people having an orgasm resembled brain scans of people having a heroin rush. And just like the heroin addict, people can experience an orgasm hangover, or a low when dopamine levels drop af...

Marriage: Keep the Spark from Dying
2007-09-06 21:47:00
Marriage: Keep the Spark from Dying If you want your marriage to burn clean and strong rather than start to smoke and fizzle and eventually become cold and gray, then there are things that you need to do to feed the flame. No one wants to end up in the middle of a dead relationship. There are things that you can do to prevent this from happening to you.Here are a few suggestions:Treasure loving memoriesKeep a treasure chest of memories actually or figuratively. Save mementoes that remind you of why you love your partner. Take them out periodically to look through and relive those feelings. Treasure up fond memories in your mind. Focusing on the good and great things about your relationship can help you get past the trouble spots that will inevitably come. Make your relationship a priorityRemember that where you spend your time shows what you value. Make the effort to spend quality time together daily, weekly, and yearly. Daily, if possible, you should have some face-to-face, eye to e...
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Not Tonight Dear, I Have a Headache
2007-08-29 00:08:00
Not Tonight Dear, I Have a Headache “Relationship advice be damned, I just want to solve my sex problems!� This is a very common sentiment in our office. Couples don’t really want to talk about their “relationship� they, at least one of them, want to discuss their sex life and the problems therein. This represents a very common misconception, your sex life and your relationship function separately. Not so. Unless there is an organic or physical problem most sexual difficulties within a relationship can be attributed to something amiss in the relationship.This however may not apply to the “difference in desire� issue. Differences in desire are not necessarily due to relationship issues, libido differences are commonplace and fluid. An individual’s libido can and does change over the length of their life. You need to be aware of the stage of life and the stage of your relationship when you are discussing libido differences. When you were first married your sex life was...

Preparation Strengthens Marriage
2007-08-29 00:01:00
Preparation Strengthens Marriage You're in love, you can't get enough of each other, and you can't wait to get married so you can spend the rest of your lives together. Why should you be concerned with marriage preparation?If being in love were enough to create a lasting marriage, there would not be a 50% divorce rate? Chances are very few of those couples started their married life with the intention of divorcing a few years down the road.Being well prepared for marriage greatly increases your odds of creating a lasting and satisfying marriage. Marriage preparation, if well done, allows you to get a much clearer picture of what "life together" will mean. It gives you an opportunity to talk, learn and grow together. We are not in any way trying to discourage you from getting married. We simply want you to be well prepared for this major step in your life. Knowledge is power. The more realistic your expectations for marriage, the more satisfied you will feel with your marriage.Ofte...
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Before You Take Viagra
2007-08-13 21:28:00
Before You Take Viagra Impotence, or the inability to get or maintain an erection long enough to enjoy intercourse, can wreak havoc with your sex life. Reactions to erectile difficulties can range from slight embarrassment to devastation, depending on your confidence in your self and the support you receive from your partner. There are these little blue pills that promise to make the problem go away. Viagra can helpful to men with erectile difficulties if they are informed and it is used as intended. But Viagra is not the answer for everyone. In order to decide if this is the best course for you it is important to understand some basic information.Erectile difficulties become more common with increased age. Only 5% of men at age 40 experience difficulties, compared to 20% of men at age 65. There are a variety of factors that contribute to impotence. These include: Disease or Heath Problems:• Diabetes• Kidney• Multiple sclerosis, • Atherosclerosis, • Vascular di...

Aaah Summertime!
2007-08-03 22:29:00
Aaah Summertime !Summertime can mean good things for your relationship. As you spend uncontested time with each other you can reconnect. You can reconnect physically, spiritually, and emotionally. These are all vital aspects of any relationship.If you take road trips, time spent together driving to various destinations can be used to build bridges or repair past problems. This is a time when you can have a private environment in which you can share hopes, dreams, troubles and laughs. Time traveling together never has to be time wasted. Sharing these things builds trust and intimacy. As we all know trust and intimacy are the keystones of any lasting successful relationship.We need to recharge our emotional batteries every so often and shared holidays can do that for you. There are other ways of doing this but summer vacations seem to be tailor made for this purpose. But this recharging does not happen automatically, we need to work at it. We have to have the desire and commitment to o...

Marriage: Finding the Perfect Gift
2007-07-28 20:28:00
Marriage: Finding the Perfect Gift In your marriage you have many opportunities to give gifts—birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, Valentines, Easter, and just because. At times it can be a struggle to find that perfect gift. The one that will make you partner light up; one that s/he will treasure for years to come. Chances are that, you already know what it is that you could give to your partner. If you took some time to quietly consider, you could come up with the perfect gift. We all have deep-set needs to be understood, appreciated and loved. Putting effort into choosing a “perfect� gift helps to meet some of those needs for our partner.It is not that the gift itself is perfect, but rather the gift is perfect for our partner. Knowing that our partner understand and appreciates us is very satisfying. Getting a gift that is just what we want or need shows that our partner notices and cares. When our partner pays attention to what we like, want and need and makes an effort to ...
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Relationship Garage
2007-07-28 19:26:00
Relationship Garage Relationships are not like cabs in New York, another doesn’t come along every two minutes. At least, not ones that are worth anything. So it makes sense to pay attention to the one you have.Often when we decide to get married we feel ours is a match made in heaven and that this is the person we wish to spend eternity with. But as the years go by we may find we have taken our relationship for granted. We’ve let the chrome become dull, we haven’t been careful and we notice that the paint is chipped and there are a few dings and maybe even a few major dints in the body. The oil hasn’t been changed often enough and the spark plugs have become fouled with the gunk of everyday life. It seems to be running okay but, on cold days it sputters and sometimes it backfires. There are times when it won’t even start, perhaps the battery is weak or the fuel is dirty.Cars require regular maintenance to run properly and efficiently, and so do relationships. We’ll spend ...
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The Bedroom Rule
2007-07-19 04:17:00
The Bedroom Rule sIn any relationship you develop special and favorite places, and for some, a favorite place is the bedroom. Therefore, it is important to practice some simple courtesies in the bedroom. Even The Economic Times recognized this truism when they mentioned, “lovers' bedrooms have their own dos and don’ts. And since it's possibly the most important 'space' for a relationship, if one or other of you doesn't play by the rules, it can be very hurtful and damaging to the relationship. It is indeed difficult to define rules for what goes on in the bedroom.� The rules or just bedroom etiquette are not universal; they are unique to the couple involved.That said, there are a few things that fit every situation we will discuss here. These bedroom manners fall into two categories; the first involves the bedroom itself—the actual physical space, and second involves what goes on in that space.Starting with the easiest to define and discuss we will talk about the bedroom...