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Why I Never Finish Anything
2006-12-02 15:47:05
How is it that I've hundreds of books which I've started and never finished. Why is it I have the parts to several quilts cut but never sewn? Why is it that I'm a self starter but rarely a self finisher? I wonder about that alot sometimes.Part of the time it's just due to having good intentions and lacking the resources or talent necessary to finish. Rather than do a poor job and admit defeat, I'd rather just allow the project to collect dust. Rather than admit I will never have the money, I prefer to keep hoping.But that's not the majority of the problem. The problem is that I'm a perfectionist. If you can't do it right, don't do it at all. So, if it's not perfect I can't finish it. To do so would be to face the fact that at least in this area I'm inadequate. And sometimes I don't finish because I don't want to examine it later and find it lacking after having shown it to everyone with such pride.For the most part I've gotten to where i don't care what peo...
More About: Ever , Never , Thing , Anything , Finish

Regret
2006-12-02 15:47:05
If you can't accept meLeave me aloneNo matter how hard I tryI will never please youTake your toxic loveAnd go far awayMy hidden, true selfDies each dayLittle parts of my soulWither, drooping in decayThe pain you cause meNever goes awayEveryone stares at meAs I stand aloneYou hurt me deeplyIn many different waysI'm sorry I met youPlease just go away
More About: Regret

Goodbye
2006-12-02 15:47:05
It was her last day on earthHe could not say goodbyeInstead he looked through the windowTrying valiantly not to cryAfter all those years togetherThe Lord was calling her awayHer body was sick and tiredBeneath the blankets where she layAll their lives they'd workedTheir twilight years to shareSome quiet leisure time togetherTo him it just wasn't fairTwo children they had raisedThey were matured and grownThe new house they had purchasedWould be empty and aloneHe knew that she must leave himFor her it would be bestHis cancer-tired life's mateNeeded to find eternal restSo to the Lord he gaveHis lover and his friendAnd prayed the time be short'Till their hands would clasp againthis was written in memory of the death of my mother in late 1999. I've been thinking of her a good bit lately. I'm not sure why, but I also feel her close to me. It's strange, but also comforting. I look forward to the time I can see her again in heaven.
More About: Good , Goodbye

Where are you From?
2006-07-11 05:36:00
It's a loaded question, that. When I was little, I had very little idea exactly how much meaning "Where are you from" carried with it. When asked I would merely give the location of my father's last assignment, taking on and sometimes defending the accent and practices of my former home. Oddly enough, I was often as happy to leave the place as I was to go shopping. I just felt oddly connected to those who had formerly inhabited my life, no matter how much I had felt outcast when I was among them. I know now that I am not "from" anywhere. My father is from PA. He has family there still, and he is well versed in local custom, lore and food in "Pa Dutch Country." His family was practically all of German descent (IOW, PA Dutch). They ate apple dumplings, blood pudding, stuffed pig stomach, shoo fly pie and "chicken pot pie" which looked alot like chicken and dumplings to me. My grandmother could make a meal out of flour, salt and pepper, milk and butter (it was a soup, actua...

Revival
2006-07-04 22:07:00
Close tired eyestis best to forgetthere is no reason for dreamsMy world all deadsoul cracked dryheart bound by unuttered screamsI cannot singmy mouth is stilllife enveloped by mournful songWhy is it my fault?Where is my joy?Should I refrain or just play alongTry to recallwhen I last smiledBefore I came to lacksomething warmdeep insideBefore it turned all blackWill I go mad?Will I die?Should I try to feel again?And when I doWhen I acheHow should I meet the pain?I've run awayand tried to hideMy pain I've tried to shunturn to rightface head-onThe time when darkness come!Behind my eyesmy heart brings forthA forgotten song and dancemy soul will touchmy mind embraceLife's beloved second chance.
More About: Viva , Revival

Down the Drain
2006-06-29 15:44:00
It's the ultimate luxury, yet oh so common. The wonder, the relaxation, the embellishment of the ordinary. A simple act, bathing, but when it is done well and thoroughly it transforms the everyday drudge into a princess.It's a relatively cheap affair, and yet it is still magical after a fashion. The sublime magic is set in motion when the proper mixture occurs. Scented bubbles combined with heated water. Luscious foamy clouds float lazily upon the water while the near holy fumes waft through the air. The walls sweat and glass fogs.I lower myself into the blessed water. Senses open like the pores of my skin. Worries are sloughed away with the dirt and grime and dead skin. Life is recreated as both mind and body are restored to a cleaner state.The bath is a mini-spa, my haven. It is my place of renewal. Within it my body is able to relax and recouperate from the day's events, be they fair or foul. Like a computer, my mind is able to store away the things of this day and...
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Rabbit In The Pool
2006-06-28 00:46:00
I know rabbits can swim. My childhood sweatheart had one. It was an extremely fat albino white rabbit he kept in a cage of wood and chickenwire in his back yard. I've come to see the rabbit because Jeff is away and will not be back for a week. And I'll be gone by then.Jeff is two years older than I am. When I was four and he was six, he gave me his sister's Cinderella statuette as a goodbye gift and kissed me on the cheek. He lives next to my grandmother and usually we're as thick as theives for the time I'm visiting. We swim, sit on the fence and talk, play board games, or climb trees together. I'd considered him my boyfriend the entire time.Last time I was visiting, about a year ago, he brought his record collection out into the screened in porch area which sits behind his pool rather than attached to his house. Just past the changing rooms is a picnic table and some lawn chairs. He plugged the record player into the only outlet, behind the picnic table. We sat t...
More About: Pool , Rabbi

Attacked...
2006-06-27 03:41:00
Being alone has never been good for me. I'll get into trouble either by doing nothing when I have the opportunity to do much, or I'll just up and do something reckless. There is noone around to stop me when the "danger faerie" taps me on the head and sets me in motion.Today it is laziness that wins. I was up all night, or so it seemed, and now I've woken at 9 am to my alarm. I have nowhere to go, but am doing this so that I do not waste the day. I feel as if I have not slept at all, but I have gotten at least seven hours. My eyes are blurry and my body is hot and achey. I hate feeling this way.I turn the tv to the news, make myself some tea, sit down and cover my lap with my favourite lap blanket. Pen and paper in hand to begin writing, I'm sure my head will clear soon. Still early, so much of the day ahead of me. The topic to write today...some time when I did something forbidden.I open my eyes once more. It feels almost as if I'm waking during a fever. I've drop...
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None too Shy Private Eye
2006-06-22 07:33:00
I'm itching to do something reckless. I'm not the type to just run out and throw caution to the wind, so these moods can be detrimental to my well being. I'm not very good at living dangerously.So, I rattle around the house a bit, it seems like hours. These are the times it hurts to be a teenager and older sister. Mom and Dad are both at work and now that I look back I can't remember where my sister is...she's not home though. I call a friend's house but nobody answers the phone. This exercise is repeated as many times as I have friends and I give up in frustration. I have no idea what I want to do, but I need to do something.I decide to snoop in my parent's room. I'm not sure what I am looking to find, my parents are not the type to have deep, dark secrets. For a few seconds I feel guilty, the parental bedroom is a private place where children are not allowed. At least not without an invitation...and jonesing to get in trouble is not an invitation. After the guil...
More About: Private , Riva , Private Eye

The Real Meaning of Material
2006-06-20 20:00:00
I remember my mother's checkered dress. It was her favourite for years. It was a brown check pattern and it was always worn with a golden broach which was shaped like a wreath. It was cut in a typical form fitting 1960s style which was above the knee, with pockets on the front below the waist. And it was hideously ugly.Momma bought into the conventional wisdom of the times, that redheads looked good in autumn colours regardless of their skin tones and personal preferences. She believed this outfit complimented her complexion. She liked to wear brown, greens and oranges and gold and she also decorated with these shades. Her problem wasn't just the palette though. She had a habit of choosing absolutely horrible, gaudy print patterns on the most uncomfortable material on the planet. And she sewed.If she'd only picked these for herself, nothing would have bothered me particularly, but she also loved to make things for me.One particularly ugly abomination of material was a dr...
More About: Meaning , Real , Material , Rial , Teri

Sunday Night Television
2006-06-19 19:47:00
I remember that I never liked football, and in middle school I also hated the news magazine shows like 60 minutes with a passion. I used to say that Andy Rooney was the only good thing on the news. I spent most of my childhood annoying my parents about my viewing preferences to no avail. Until I was in middle school, when my dissatisfaction reached it's peak. Momma and Daddy gave me what was a supreme priviledge, one I treasured from the second I won it. I was allowed to go into their room on Sunday Night s and watch whatever I wanted.After about second grade, a child did not normally go into the parent's bedroom in our house, it was their private place, halfway sacred. It was a normal bedroom, there was nothing in there we were not allowed to see, and they did not feel the need to keep the door closed, we just knew you did not go in there without an invitation...which was rare. But on Sunday night, I got to go in there...alone.In my parents room a large cabinet style telev...
More About: Television , Vision , Visio

Hairy Times
2006-06-18 17:26:00
I remember the shape of my sister?s head as a baby. I used to say it looked like a raindrop?larger in back and smaller up front. I would spend endless hours staring at it wondering why I wasn?t supposed to touch it and admiring her unique swirled hair pattern.She had a full head of dark brown hair when she was born, but it quickly rubbed off on the sides. Most of the top hair stayed, but it did not grow out long and the other hair took forever to re-grow. When it did so, it was as straight as straight could be.Because it did not get any longer, Momma tried putting barrettes, ribbons and bows in it?only to have them promptly slide right out. She ended up putting ?Dippity Do? in it on the top to make it stand up in a mini-hawk and then curl over. Of course by lunch the curl was gone.When she got older my sister?s hair thickened. She had many, many straight fat strands on her head. She never got a curl one, unless she had a permanent wave. She had a variety of styles and Momm...
More About: Times , Hairy

Father's Day Thoughts
2006-06-18 02:44:00
Like everyone else, my father was never perfect. He had a quick temper, and he tended to be very judgemental of those who were not like him. However, the biggest flaw he had was a moral lapse in judgement, falling into alcohol abuse. He eventually got his life back, but I spent many more years after that seeing things from behind an empty beer can.While he was under the influence his temper magnified and he could be cruel. In response I taught myself to withdraw. When he sobered up, I remained in my emotional closet with my eyes closed fearing he'd fall again. They say a girl marries her father. Me...instead I married a man who lived a life much like one of my father's drunken episodes...and I believe it's because I was stuck in the past and too scared to step away from it.It was not abnormal for me to do that, we tend to colour our perceptions of people from their faults. But it's not always the best or healthy thing to do. When life presents us with hardship, sometime...
More About: Thoughts , Thought , Father , S Day , Fath

NC Sacred Sundays
2006-06-18 02:37:00
Somewhere in my memory, I?m standing in front of Park Baptist Church in Roanoke Rapids, NC. I?m about Kindergarten age, dressed in a frilly dress, black patent shoes and my curly Sunday hairdo. I carry a small leather purse, which contains 15 cents?5 for Sunday School and 10 for church. The church is mostly brick and surrounded by berry-laden shrubbery. Inside the church I will find white walls, wooden pews and a large cross. I?m there alone, my parents drop me off but do not join me themselves.I don?t feel alone or out of place though. I?m as much at home here as I am at home. I don?t remember my Sunday School teacher?s face?but I do remember her hands and all they did. They carried the collection basket and warmly greeted us with a grownup handshake. She called it ?the right hand of fellowship? and it made us feel important. Or at least it made me feel important. Then she either squeezed our shoulders (if we were shy) or hugged us.Her hands also did something extraordina...
More About: Days , Sundays , Sacred , Red Sun

Missing an Old Friend
2006-06-13 18:20:00
Zach came into our lives quite by accident. At the time, we were a military family with very poor luck moving with pets...more than once we had the heartbreak of having to adopt out our beloved pets or not have a place to live. Our pets became beloved family members and the pattern was killing me inside. We decided we could bear the hurt no more and would not adopt any more animals as long as we were in the military.This is not to say we did not have animals in our lives, we were animal people after all. We would make those of our neighbours into honorary family members. Once such family had two very well fed sable sheltie sisters. They were from the same litter and Zach was their father. Periodically they also dog sat him.One hot August afternoon, I was irritable. I needed social interaction from someone other than my husband, who seemed destined to get on my nerves that day. I grabbed my lawn chair and went to see Becky. My husband followed, and I cringed inside. I coul...
More About: Friend , Miss , Sing , Missing , Missi

Voice in a Tea Cup
2006-06-08 01:08:00
It is warm and soothing, Mom?s equivalent of the ?elixir of life.? This is the best tea, brewed from round tea bags. The only things which produce a taste similar to that found at the English tea houses Mom used to visit each day. She drinks it light, with some sugar, so it?s a medium tan colour. It?s not too hot, just warm enough to soothe a sore throat or warm the belly.It?s contained in a special mug, Mom?s mug, where a dark faerie defiantly guards the contents from any unauthorised drinkers. The mug fits perfectly in Mom?s hands, keeping them warm as the lot rests on the knee. She writes, thoughts tumbling into her pen automatically. When she is like this she is no longer me.The mind drifts back to the place she first encountered the perfect cup of tea. Outside the AF base in Mildenhall England sat an establishment that had the appearance of a diner. She?d never thought about going inside, not once the whole two months she?d lived there. She walked past it every day on...
More About: Voice , VOIC

Knight in Fuzzy Armour
2006-06-02 23:54:00
More about the dude who I may never meet....My knight in fuzzy armour is one whose feelings run deep. His emotions are intense and he expresses them freely with me. He writes or sings - or both - he tells me how he feels and shows me with his actions. he holds my hands, hugs me or touches me briefly just because he wants to connect with me. He might not be overly demonstrative in public, that is ok, as long as he is when we are at home.He is actively involved with the family at all levels. He helps with homework, housework, and yard work...and makes all financial decisions based on the good of the family rather than on status symbols or personal gadgets. If he is the sole bread winner he does not lord it over me or the kids that he earned the money, he freely brings it home as a gift...just as we do our chores and such for him. He really cares what we think and feel and fosters a feeling of trust in the home.He does need and like to give attention, however he also values tim...
More About: Knight , Armour

Tell me what you want, what you really really want...
2006-05-31 22:33:00
I was asked recently what I looked for in a man. The truth is I?m looking for my soul mate and not just any man. But I?ve had trouble clarifying what that soul mate actually would be like. Here is another one of those futile exercises?My soul mate is a deeply spiritual person?He is a believer in Christ, who loves spiritual things enough to make them a priority and will seek to better his knowledge of theological issues. He knows the difference between godliness and legalism, quirkiness and sin and knows what at least one of his divine purposes in life is. Belief within a reformed/Calvinist construct would be a plus, but if not, he would need to respect my beliefs. He would be a deep thinker. I must be able to engage his mind or I will loose interest quickly. He would think about life, the eternal, the sublime and be able to intellectually spar with me in areas where disagreement exists in a variety of areas such as history, theology, philosophy, politics or art. He would be...
More About: Real , Want , Really , Tell , Tell Me

The Feast
2006-05-31 00:33:00
Sex, it's everywhere and it's is taken for granted that if you are in a relationship, eventually it will become sexually intimate. I have all the necessary parts and they all work just fine, but for myself, I just don't get what all the fuss is about. Even inside marriage, it is most often done to please my partner and not for my own gratification.it's not that I don't find it enjoyable. When the proper care is taken, it's one of the finest things on earth. But my experiences have left me...jaded. It has rarely happened as it should and that leaves me cold and uninterested.To me, loving is meant to be a spiritual and emotional banquet which is lavish, extravagant and sacred. It is food for the soul and relationship which takes a while to prepare, the anticipation becoming the spice which flavours the whole experience. The feasters come in joyous celebration, making sure to partake of the feast with reverence and deep appreciation for the seriousness of what is taking p...
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