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Draft of Essay, Needs Critiquing
2008-10-31 16:47:00
This is a draft of an essay that I wrote on behest of a friend. It might actually get 'officially' published, so I am asking for some critiques... I also would like ideas for a title.Someone on-line said that people admired me because I was so at peace with my divorce and since I was a good writer, I should write an essay for those who are in the beginning stages to encourage or enlighten them. I tried, but I did not feel inspired until a few nights ago. I was hampered by the knowledge that though I did do many things correctly, deep in the shadows lurked something else. It was not that I would reveal that I am eccentric and difficult to live with or my unshakable belief that I am always right (until I am proven wrong, at which time I change my position so I can be right again). I am actually pretty open that I am those things, even in their negative expression. It was that typing this would expose something else I preferred to remain hidden in the shadows. The fact that I ...
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How Well Do You Know Those Around You?
2008-10-13 04:46:00
About a yr or so ago, someone I trusted in the presence of my children was arrested for sexual assault and it came out that he?d grabbed the butts of little girls. I would have never guessed he had it in him. Honestly, not a sign, not a suggestion, not even a creepy vibe. He was an over grown child, a jokester and a good friend as far as I knew. The fact that he groped little girls at Wal-Mart was almost beyond my stunned comprehension. When he went to prison, the prison shrink diagnosed him with MPD. That seemed to make some sense to me. It made it easier to handle, from my perspective. I could always say that it was some other personality that did it, someone that I did not know.Of course, his wife was another story. Whether she was in love with one personality or both, someone in his body was attracted to children, or was possibly so. In addition, she had his baby. During the pregnancy, he consoled her, made plans with her as to how to raise their child and he seemed to love his ...

Why I hate the middle
2007-11-11 06:39:00
The first few days and or weeks of a new possible relationship are fun. All the heart fluttering, all the day dreams, all the wondering and oh the warm and fuzzy feelings. You're high, he's perfect and all is right with the world.If it all works the way you wish it to, the ending stages are pretty nice too. The commitment, the safety, the friendship all mesh together to make two people into a solid couple for as long as that lasts...possibly forever. Its comfortable and profitable and interesting.You know what I hate? It's that middle part. The part where you know that what you know about a person you genuinely like, but you wonder if he has you snowed. You wonder if he likes you as much as you like him. You wonder if he's just trying to get in your pants, or just passing time until something better comes along. You sit around second guessing everything you've said (was it right or appropriate or bound to scare him away?) and what he said (and just what did he really m...
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Secrets
2007-10-11 14:51:00
They say the truth will set you free. The insinuation is that this freedom is immediate, but for some of us it's so far away that the truth should not be uttered aloud, not even to the one for whom the words were made. The immediate reaction could be disaster. So the truth becomes something you keep close in your bosom lest it be heard, and the hearing of it cause your heart to break. So you never say anything and you file it in the back of your mind somewhere beside the reason you're scared of being alone and your real feelings about your first date. Eventually you don't notice it anymore and you like it that way.Then sometimes, later on, things change and you are free to speak the truth. Your heart wonders, should I do it now? Or should I leave it buried? It rolls to the back of your throat and nearly gags you and yet you sit with your jaw clenched, stomach churning and wonder if your heart will be injured. You sweat and shake, you doubt your version of reality, you wonder if y...
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Advice to My Son
2007-10-11 06:36:00
It seems like yesterday since you showed up on the scene and your maturity tends to make me feel just a wee bit olde. You are turning out rather well so there isn't much I can still teach you. But I'd like to pass these ideas along as, hopefully, words to live by.1. Follow your dreams: This may seem like a no brainer since I've always supported what you have desired to do. To the point of failing to motivate you to do what you didn't want at times...or at least that has been the criticism of certain parties. However, as you go into the phase of life where you might run into professionals who seem to think they know what is best for you...or maybe well meaning family members, remember this. It's your life, nobody else will be stuck working that job that makes alot of money but bores you to tears. Nobody else will be stuck regretting your choice of major in college or your career path choices once you are educated. You however will have to live with those things and they can eat ...
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THE RULZ
2007-10-02 06:42:00
These are new rules for those who choose to hang out in Ravengaard (or...at Lady Raven's Home). They are not aimed at anyone person, but are a statement of the way Lady Raven believes her world should be working....1. If thou feelest the need to visit the domain of Raven and her flock, thou must exit thy vehicle and proceed to yonder door and knock thereon to request attention. It is thou who wishest welcome, it is thou who must become inconvenienced. Knock, don't honk.2. If thou feelest the need to knock upon yonder door, consider that the possession of said door does not obligate the owner to open it. IF thou knockest and yonder door doest not open, do not continue to knock loudly. Thou shouldest assume that the flock is not available for social activity and should then leave quietly and in an orderly fashion. If thou knockest until the door opens by pounding loudly thereon for a protracted period of time, the mistress of Ravengaard will not be responsible for the crime inflict...

How Did this All Happen?
2007-09-28 16:47:00
How did I end up where I am now in life? Did you ever wonder about how the small decisions you make work out planning your future?When I left my hometown, or the closest thing I had to a hometown, to go into the military I had plans of being an officer. I was going to administration so I could work for the post office. Turns out that the postal designation had become a temporary assignment for no stripes, and I married an enlisted dude who had no desire to be married to an officer. I should have dumped him but didn't.I ended up with two wonderful children and that's about it. I had to loose everything I owned and go bankrupt in order to rediscover my writing and art. I'd lost it again through small decisions. I don't have the time, don't have the money to buy supplies, can't concentrate, etc. Eventually I believed my husband who told me I didn't have talent and it wasn't worth the time and effort. But it was all a decision.Now I live in a trailer park, I only work p...

Thinking over some stuff
2007-08-27 17:46:00
Still thinking of Brian Terrell. Kinda hard not to when he's the butt of many jokes around here lately. Not that the joking is bad, I assume it's how people deal with the fact that our lives are all altered due to his rank stupidity. Anyway.As i think over the situation some, I've decided that I personally do not believe that his behaviour had any sexual stimulation involved. That does not seem to jive with the person I know. I know you can know someone and not really know them, but it is just so inconsistent with the whole pattern... Buddah liked women with ... assets. He wasn't drawn to the anorexic types that pedophiles are drawn to. Even the pictures he downloaded off the net were of buxom and curvy women. Pedophiles tend not to go for that, they are stimulated by the small titty committee. (If they are into girls).There are some acts that are sexual to the victim that are not sexual in nature to the perp. Rape is a power trip, not a sexual act. Flashing is a beh...
More About: Stuff , Thinking , Walmart , Lexington , Groping

More Attention Grabbing Behaviour
2007-08-24 01:42:00
Well here I am, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the whole sequence of events around here lately...by that I mean the whole Buddah fiasco. I kept a diary of sorts until I could get on the net, cause I can't get on all the time but today I thought I'd stop by the paper websites and see what was going on. Boy was I suprised. But I'll start on that later.My sexual assault (there was a series actually) was almost as personal as you could get and it left me traumatised for most of my life in one way or another. I knew it was sexual, I knew it was dirty and sleazy and filthy and for a while I thought I'd done something to attract it. It took years to find out that I hadn't.I also had my butt pinched in bars and grabbed in school. One boy used to take pleasure in flipping up our skirts. I felt angry and my pride was insulted but I honestly didn't feel the same as I did when I was being molested to the nth degree. I'm confused as to why Brian started doing this, and I...
More About: Behaviour , Walmart , Attention , Sexual Assault , Grab

Attention Grabbing Behaviour
2007-08-22 22:01:00
This is a diary of sorts for things which have happened in the past week or so.8-17Funny how your life can change in an instant. It's happened before many times but for me today was almost surreal. It started when James, my ex, called me to make sure I had a ride to work. I said I did and he said he hoped Buddah wasn't it. Buddah is a friend of ours, so named due to his physique. I said he wasn't, I was riding along with scorpy, but curiousity got me and I asked why. I wish I never had, but then again I was bound to find out anyway. James dropped a bomb.J: Because Buddah is in jailR: For what (I was thinking, driving too fast, maybe reckless driving...)J: For grabbing a woman's a@# at Walmart R: WHY?J: I don't knowI hadn't really expected a good answer, there really isn't a good answer for that. I was still shocked but thought maybe it was a bad joke gone wrong. One that didn't mean any harm on his part but which had offended the wrong person cause as we all know, he had no r...
More About: Behaviour , Attention , Lexington , Groping

Alone with Myself
2007-08-13 01:21:00
My children are getting older. Soon I will be alone with myself and I'm not sure I'm going to like it. I'm fine with who I am, but I dearly love and somewhat depend on the interaction of the family. I have plenty of plans for what I hope to accomplish...write...rather... finish writing the great american vampire novel, publish some photographs, that sort of thing. Who knows maybe I'll go crazy and actually have that garden I wanted to plant all my life and never got around to planting....Ah but will I ever miss the laughter of the little ones, the jokes we shared, the good natured silly insults we made up and the strange food concoctions we've invented. Why do they have to grow up?
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Lavender
2007-07-13 03:05:00
I wonder if lavender smells good with wisteria. I've never smelled them together, but I want a small piece of land with a small home one day. It would have a garden in the back, thorney bushes below the windows and would be surrounded by sweet smelling English Lavender. I also want wisteria, which is why I wonder if they smell good together.I want to go outside to relax, swinging slowly on a porch swing, bare feet dangling in the breeze with the scent of my garden blowing over me. Lavender is one of my favourite scents, along with vanilla and musk...neither of which I can grow in my dream home. I'm told that lavender is relaxing by those who know about aroma therapy. Once when I was still married I tried it. I had lavender scented soap, perfume, lotion, oils, shampoo, conditioner, air freshner and linen mist. I didn't sleep any better, but I sure smelled better.I can't use the laundry detergent that I want because I'm sure my sons would not appreciate smelling of lavend...
More About: Ender , Vender

What I Learned #4
2007-05-26 21:40:00
I Have Spent More Time On the Road Now That I Don't Have OneYou heard it here first. Now that I don't have a car which works, I'm always in a car. I know it's hard to believe but despite the fact that I spend days on end chewing my cheeks and pens because I want a shrimp salad from Red Lobster, I can't seem to get off the road the rest of the time. Argh!!!!One reason is that sometimes it's timing. When people come over and ask me if I want to ride along while they go on errands...and I need milk or to drop stuff off at the dump...I ride along even if they are going to drive for hours before getting near anything I need. Cause I dn't know when the opportunity to go to the store will present itself again. It always seems like they are going through California or Indianapolis to get to the dump 5 miles from me. Sometimes it is because it's the most convient for the driver. I never go out and do errands before work. I like to relax so I'm not riled up or hot or tired b...
More About: Learn , Learned

What I Learned #3
2007-05-20 02:11:00
Having No Car Dooms You to CravingsI'm the type of person who rarely has cravings. When I do they are generally related to hormones, sated by a small token and easy to manage, so long as I remember that over time they will intensify in depth and severity. Thus you can't follow the advice to never keep goodies in the house. It's much better to apease the cravings when they can be sated with a single bag of M and Ms rather than wait until they have become blown out of proportion and require bulimic portions. Suprise cravings were also easily handled when I had a vehicle.Now I have cravings unrelated to hormones and which tend to arrive at a time of day which would find me face to face with a sleepy eyed redneck with bedhead, brandishing a gun and asking me if I know the current time if I tried to find a ride. They are also for things for which I cannot plan nor can I create these items at home as they are not part of my normal diet.Unfortunately, since I have not had steady a...
More About: Learn , Learned

What I :earned #2
2007-05-20 01:58:00
Cellphone Minutes Disappear in Direct Proportion to you Inability to Purchase MoreI got a prepaid cellphone service to avoid the pricey deposits required for most plans. I didn't worry too much when I had a land line, I would shell out about 20 bucks every three months or so. But when my land line went away and I began relying on this line for everything, the amount of money I spent began to matterOddly enough, when I had a car, cellphone minutes would last for at least a paycheck, now that I have no car, they rarely do and on more than one occasion they have disappeared in less than 24 hours. WHen I had a car, people rarely called and when they did, they got to the point. Now that I can't just run out and replace them, everyone calls and for some reason they don't economise their words. It's odd, It's expensive, it's incredible and I sure don't understand.People who Know Less About Cars than I Do, Ask...Not "have you found out what is wrong with that car yet?" but inst...

Things I Learned #1
2007-05-20 01:43:00
Recently my vehicle which I have lovingly dubbed Inuyasha has become too sick to drive. It's not a permanent condition, but it is something that has changed my life somewhat and messed up whatever groove I had been developing in the past few years. Here are a few things I have learned....Having and Unexpected Winfall is a TragedyThe reason is that you can't have fun with it. God, Satan, the universe, the government, global warming, terrorists, the illuminati and international spies have all conspired to separate you from your cash. When I recently procured a small sum I had planned to move, get new glasses, go out to eat and get a new camera. What I ended up doing was moving and then having my car towed. Heaven only knows what tragedy would have ensued if I had decided to go to red lobster before I moved.Now I am to the point I dread having found money. If I didn't find any, maybe the crisis which would have occured would instead pass over me. It is worth a shot anyway.
More About: Things , Learn , Thing , Learned

The Definition of ME
2007-03-06 20:53:00
Have you ever really paid attention to how you answer when people ask you about yourself. You know the kind of descriptions you give to people you don't know, like say, on myspace or a job interview or even a dating site for that matter?How do you define yourself? I've thought about that alot lately. I know it's not how I make my living. Right now I make pizza. That definately has nothing to do with who I am at my core. ONe of my writing books said that if you said you were a writer, then you need to write. It wasn't about being published, it was about the process of writing. That's actually pretty profound if you take it to it's logical conclusion.If the passion to create and do flows from within and you do something with it, then that truely is your inner self, or at least a part of it. That is true authenticity at it's core. Now to apply it...that is the art to life is it not?
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Stuff I Dont Remember
2007-02-07 20:15:00
I dont remember being perky, though people who love me tell me I was onceI dont remember running down the hill and telling people to watch my hair bounce, but I'm told I did so...and my Aunt is a fairly reliable source about such things.I dont remember the first time I was molested, though I can recall many subsequent ones. I know there was a first time, because I knew it then, the next time I was.I dont remember what I did to cause people to pick on me at school, I just know it happened.I dont remember the last time I've had a good hot bath with a bubble soak, though I surely do need one.I dont remember feeling poor when I was growing up, though I know now that I was.I dont remember the first time I cussed, though I am sure I got my mouth washed out with soap.I dont remember my father coming home from Vietnam, and I wish I didI dont remember the first time I danced to the radio, pretending to be a singer on stageI dont remember the first poem I wroteI dont remember the first pict...
More About: Stuff

The Family Pet
2006-12-02 15:47:05
He's old now And I think of howHe won't be with usMuch longerHe's tiredAnd soreHe stands upAnd begins to stretchand scratchThe itch behind his earAnd shakesHe's the petThe comforter and protecterThe exercise machineAnd alarm clockMany of our tearshave been wept intoHis long soft furHe watches the sickDefends the weakWarms our feetAnd keeps us companyHe looks upHis gaze fixed on meAnd somehow without wordsHe speaksThrough his eyesYou know it isCloseI'll miss youOld friend Copyright ©2004
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Critical Moments #9 - The Descent of Health
2006-12-02 15:47:05
This was written as part of an exercise for Dr Phil's "self matters" programme. It is an insight into who I am and why I am this way.While my mother constantly worried about my sister's constitution, I was the sickly one. I had allergies, I broke my wrist repeatedly. I twisted my leg over and over. I am the one who bent over to pick up a pencil and pulled muscles in my back. I had a tendency toward bowel problems, stomach aliements and fluctuating weight. In order to keep these things under control I had to eat a diet heavy in fresh foods, low in fat, high in complex carbs, and low in sugar. Then I got married. My ex and I did not have the money to maintain my diet. Actually we did, but we did not manage it well and I was always trying to get from one paycheck to the next. I got pre-eclampsia and high blood pressure with my first son. I was also so sick while I was pregnant and gained over 100 pounds because I was only not sick when I was eating.It was downhill from th...
More About: Health , Men , Cent , Moment , Moments

The Question
2006-12-02 15:47:05
The day I got a divorced, one of my sons said "now you get to go find us a new dad." I was a bit shocked, but a bit happy he was at peace with the whole idea of me being divorced. I was having mixed feelings. I felt vindicated (He was an adulterer) but I also had the slight feeling that I had failed in some way. I wasn't worthy to be a wife and this is why my marriage deteriorated to the point he wanted someone else.Eventually I learned that was not really the case. I was not myself in my marriage so it's rather impossible for me to say that my self was not enough. My self was never put to the test to begin with. He also wanted someone else because he was looking for an ideal that did not exist except in his mind. And that ideal clashed with my own ideal. It was not a match and never should have happened, but I wasn't "unworthy."I've had several relationships since then. A few were really short, one was almost two years and the man and I still are friends. Most of the...
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Waiting for Dawn
2006-12-02 15:47:05
You see me standing thereYou will never understandThe pain I've carriedYou think to tell meHow to heal myselfDo you think I've not tried?I'm better offNot justifying anythingI'll just beI'll just learnI'll just growIn my own timeWithout your blessing on my lifeForgotten places of myselfare where darkness lurksWait ing for a single candleThe soft loving touchOf divine lightDo you think me evil?Becausethis part of me criesor is stillin anticipationof the futureWhen blessing flowers within my heartSomeone is alwayswatching in the shadowsWaiting for my fallWaiting for my doomwaiting to seeIf I shall try to avoid the painTormentedbecause of trialand hatredor needI'm SorryI won't play a convenient part for youDeep inside the nightRain falls to the groundTrees dance wildlyWhile Wind and RainAre Pummeling the groundBeneath itlies the seedwaiting forthe timeto openAnd rise up to meet awaiting LightIt is just so easyto hide your faceingnoring the shadowsJudging the darkShall I listen t...
More About: Dawn

My Mother
2006-12-02 15:47:05
It's Mother 's Day. I no longer have my mother with me, she was not Y-2K compliant and died new years eve, 1999. There are many things in my blogs and other writings which might give me, you or other people the idea that I don't really like my mother. And we'd all be wrong.My mother had problems, a very delicate psyche which was ruined by hard times and the lack of understanding in her family of origin. There wasn't really anything she could do about that because she no longer trusted people by the time I arrived. Especially people with degrees who might possibly know more than her because they would make her feel stupid, and she just couldn't deal with that. She'd been told she was a stupid, uneducated hillbilly her entire life, so I really don't blame her. I wish she could have learned, but she never did.My mother, though she would have denied it passionately, was probably a closet goth. She would have loved for this or that to have happened the way they were planne...
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My Obituary
2006-12-02 15:47:05
Yeah it sounds morbid. But it really isn't.How would I want to be remembered?I know that first of all I want people to know that I am a Christian and I want them to believe it based on the life I have lived. I want to know that I have lived a life worthy...I want the aug (acecptable unto God) seal beside the sign of redemption on my spiritually circumcised heart. I have had trouble of late behaving as I should. I have very few means and I've had too many opportunities to bless people. Too many times i've felt the need or leading to help someone when I have almost nothing and I end up with nothing when I am done. It has been hard for me because unlike I was taught in my religion classes in college...I have not received material blessings ten fold. I am learning to trust way beyond that, but the tangible is just not there. That leads to trials and questions.I also want to be known as a loving, loyal and sensitive mother. One who loved her kids better than anyone ever woul...
More About: Obit , Obituary

Losing My Marbles
2006-12-02 15:47:05
"of all the things i've lost, I miss my mind the most" So says the bumper sticker and so it is with me after a fashion. I'm not going crazy though. I feel as though I am losing my intellectual keenness.I used to have a near photographic memory. If I read anything, I had it down cold. If I forgot part of it I could picture the location of the information on the page - making it a cinch not only to remember but to find it if I had to prove it. Any significant conversation could be recounted word for word and embellished with other interesting tidbits such as what everyone was wearing, and what was going on around us at the time.This extremely handy talent nearly drove my exhusband insane during our marriage. For him, if a piece of information survived long enough to make it into his long term memory, he could use it well. He had a quick wit and good logic skills. Unfortunately it took an idea at least 6 months to travel to the long term memory and the journey there was pe...
More About: Sing , Marble , Marbles

Wife Maintenance (How to Piss off a Woman)
2006-12-02 15:47:05
Gents, if you cannot understand women, let me enlighten you. Your wife requires very special treatment...The first thing you must do, before attempting to settle in with your wife is to take over the home. You must have a strong sense of leadership or the whole thing will not work. This should not look anywhere close to that of Jesus, Ghandi or Mr Churchill. It must instead be founded on the indisputed fact that you are better at making decisions because you are LOUDER than she is. Nothing motivates and inspires a woman better than a good, loud discussion. She may cry and hide her feelings behind her stoney glare but...it's only a sham. Trust me.After you have established that you are the loudest and therefore the most qualified person to run the household...don't allow her to think she is unworthy or that you do not value her at all. She is of course quite intelligent or she would not have won a prize such as yourself, so do not let the media or culture attempt to tell he...
More About: How To , Wife , Main , Woman , Oman

Birthright
2006-12-02 15:47:05
There were lies which bound meAnd yet, I triedTo please youTo believe the poison you fed meI was never good enoughI was uglyI was fatI was not strong enoughMy world was turned to nightendlessly painfulunescapableDevoid of love or lightWhy did I believe youlove youtrust youInstead of leave youWhen my tears went awayI was aloneI was aliveAble to meet a new dayI found myself bathed in lightheld in loveacceptedGod's own child, my real birthright
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God in Daily Life
2006-12-02 15:47:05
Someone asked me once how I found God . I truly believe that I did not find Him. He was not lost, I was. He revealed Himself to me, so you could say that He claimed me as His own instead.He didn't have it easy. there is the obvious death on the cross for me which was definately not easy, but I refer more to my tendency to just run after what scripture says is "every wind of doctrine." I have made myself a student of truth since I received Christ because I have the desire to know..to feel...to be...to immerse myself into something...anything. If I dont channel that into finding truth, I will end up experiencing some emotion or some feeling or just some confusion in it's place.If I were not a Christian, I'd probably be a taoist. The idea of embracing the circumstances of life and just becoming at peace with the way things are is important to me. but then maybe I'd be some sort of pagan, or alchemist or something as the mystical calls to me and has from a very early age. H...
More About: Life , Daily , Dail

Raindance
2006-12-02 15:47:05
Tonight I sit enthralledBy the evening rainLanding on the windowDancing on foggy glassIt tells secrets to the treesThe wind is steady As water fills puddles Full of poignant memory.Who dares listen to them When the rain is gone?Throw the storiesOf all the painful liesInto the rainLet it feed the groundThe storm knowsWhat must be doneWith poisonous jealousythrow the storiesOf my broken dreamsInto the rainLet it feed the groundI stand alone outsidelicking pure wateroff my tearstained faceI will dancein freedoms clothesglad feet splashingwith careless abandonChildlike in puddlesCleansing rainHas renewed my dreams
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Chimera
2006-12-02 15:47:05
You seem so perfectYou put everything in placeYou want us to believeIn something that never existedYou refuse to seeThe real things in front of youYou want to believeIn something that never existed.You walk among usA lie wrapped in goldYou want your life to beSomething that never existedYou hurt and you cryWe know that you bleedWhy must you insistYou're something that never existedYou forgot how to loveYou forgot that you're humanYou want to only feelThis something that never existedYou throw away truthAnd a loving loyal heartIn order to merely believeIn something that never existedAnd so I must leave youYour perfect world of stoneSo I do not becomeSomeone who never existed
More About: Chime