David's Kingsbury blog

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Freedom of speech
2008-09-15 00:40:00
There are times and places we all have to work in a role, and restrict what w say and how we say it, usually while working in some capacity. And even places like here we have to be careful just in case someone there sees it, which isn't entirely impossible. But maybe if I was totally straight in telling someone their faults were imaginary they may actually respond faster than the professional approach which drags it out for weeks.What does bother me is how people get them in the first place. Imagined inadequacies, beliefs in the good of others clearly not good, overlooking the obvious faults in others, assigning impossible causes to situations, all from normally rational people. We're taught it's the emotions, inner child and subconscious that do this, but to be so powerful to create a blind spot in a normally sensible person is tragic. I'm not planning to test this theory on anyone to see but I'm sure there are therapists who do and it may well work.So I can speak freely here ...
More About: Freedom , Freedom of Speech , Speech

Half my life story
2008-09-13 01:59:00
Another day, another day. That is as far as it goes. Besides the rain that stopped me doing more photos of places I've been to before, so many people around me seem to be having so much activity in their lives they insist on sharing in detail I thought was confined to my grandma, and all I can do is nod and say very little. When I have activity in my life I rarely mention it as I am quite busy enough doing it. I talk far more about what isn't happening than what is, and have so much time on my hands. And do they fucking moan! Because they aren't getting exactly what they want (while I am getting precisely nothing) all they see are the holes while everyone else sees the cheese. And there's nothing I can do to get any of my own without paying for it, which I have never done.So my quest to drag someone out of the past continues, with no more results than stage one where I've discovered them and then goes straight to eliminating them. I'm still not sure if it's worse when they do...
More About: Life , Story , My Life , My Life Story , Half

Finding the truth
2008-09-10 01:17:00
Before I start I just want to say why the internet is a better source of news than the conventional (biased and corrupt) media. Tomorrow is meant to be when the Large Hadron Collider comes on line. Well what they have done is present it as if it's going to be working and used then, but in fact tomorrow is when they turn it on and begin a minimum of three months of tests before it's actually used. Just preparing you all for the disappointment tomorrow before it actually happens.Right, I've got that out of the way. This week continues the theme of the last few, minor activities to just keep me interested enough in life but no more, and no ideas for more. Running out of photo ideas and no new hobby in sight even the places I plan to visit for postcodes probably won't have them as each borough decides whether to use them or not outside the London codes. One more pack of postcards to deliver to somewhere that closed as I approached it on Saturday, assuming they want it, and as always...
More About: Truth , The Truth

Gone very quiet indeed
2008-09-07 01:56:00
I've been out in between the rain the last few days, routine photos and delivering postcards and a bit of shopping. Last night being a Big Brother final meant another trip to Elstree in case I saw any of them coming out. The first time I went in 2003 they had the old marquee on the lawn and saw them all through the patio doors, as with the next when they came out and we were filmed with them. Then they pulled the curtains in 2005 so we could see nothing. I didn't bother for a couple of years as I didn't think I'd be able to see them again but just in case went up last night to see the marquee was gone and they have a bar on the corner at the front. There was a small window but had blinds and couldn't spot any faces through it, and they pulled a curtain after a while anyway, but saw a bunch of them leave the Big Mouth studio to go in, but was so far away could barely recognise them for the seconds they came into view before going inside, and it was dark of course. As Mohamed had...
More About: Quiet

Friends not exactly reunited
2008-09-04 02:30:00
Having had no idea what I was going to say last time it looks like an epic now which was not intended or expected. Since then the current phase of just having enough to do on the day and no more has continued. Trips to Barnet and Stanmore for various local scenery/road signs etc, still catching up with old friends on searches and that's about it. Tomorrow, assuming they're open (totally unreliable), I'm dropping off a pack of postcards at the art gallery with my other stuff there, and maybe they'll actually sell something at last. Then I'm contacting the printers and hopefully get some economical ones done as well.Another weird phase recently has been people I knew and caught up with disappearing in mid conversation. They email me with loads of news and get plenty back and then suddenly vanish, including a couple since we've been on the phone. I'm pretty harmless with my calls, the worst possibly being my nosiness, but that's only interest. I haven't made any obscene sugges...
More About: Friends , Reunited

Like a vacuum
2008-08-31 22:55:00
The way you turn on clairvoyance is to clear your mind after tuning in to your subject and seeing what comes in. And there are many times I have to do that here, and whatever the quality something always comes in, as I wouldn't want to do an entry unless there was a reason, even if there was nothing known at the time.So, what is there today? I am definitely in a phase as if it's being created by someone. It's the 'Just about OK but absolutely nothing' one that's been going on a few weeks now. My friend in Africa has got me meditating again and will continue to do so now as I've been picked up on it. No point wasting the gift.Otherwise all is unknown. Obvious maybe but not certain. The inertia principle means little will change as however things are now is how they tend to continue, and no actual reasons why it should. I have new photographic trips over old ground for my bus and postcode groups, and always see new things wherever I go each time. I may even go to Watford if the...
More About: Vacuum

Psychiatric thoughts
2008-08-28 20:01:00
Having spoken to another member of my meditation group last week was inspired to return to that path, and am now hopefully going to do it more often and as a result have to rely (which can't be done) a lot less on the world outside and more in the inner. Of course everyone who takes drugs knows you can feel better by tweaking things, but they do it by changing body chemistry directly which is like putting piss in your petrol tank. If they knew about meditation first and tried it many would do that, as some do on the drugs programme by my group. But the point is there are ways we can feel better and meditation is the only one that's safe. I suppose in India, where my guru comes from, this is like telling your grandma to suck eggs (you blow them, how many people knew that?), but over here in the west most people think it's weird and then erode their organs and mind with drugs for the same purpose.Now whether the course I took means the lectures are as important as the methods is kn...
More About: Thoughts

A bit of everything
2008-08-26 02:36:00
A wee bit random today, but only reflects life at the moment. Firstly as I didn't intend doing a PhD in Meatloaf I certainly wasn't expecting such a hoohah over what was clearly an almost universal trap I'd fallen into, even predicted before the song was released. And the fact it reminds me so much of 'Everything I own' it's even harder to mentally separate the details.I also see on the other side of the water Barack Obama has chosen someone called Biden (I will admit to not even knowing GW Bush's VP) whose name is only one letter away from Bidet to join Obama's being one from Osama. At least he avoided senators Conksucker and Blitoris anyway. But among all the criticisms of America it's one of the best countries I know with the nicest people. So they can't be doing so much wrong.I am in posession of two of what I consider to be the best ways to detach myself from the influence of outside conditions. One being knowledge, which is considered by most on the course to be the ...

Hope has flown
2008-08-22 02:58:00
What would I do without the internet? I was just looking up what Meatloaf was referring to do anything for love for, except 'that' when Wikipedia explained if you listen to all the words each verse was explaining what he would and wouldn't do except like nearly everyone else on earth, I've never been able to catch them. But now I know. And I always thought he meant anal sex. I wouldn't do that anyway. Not even for money.Today was the first I couldn't even plan ahead as I'd wrung out the rag of ideas I've been squeezing out for months. Ten days passed since the female friend returned from holiday and not a squeak. I'm keeping out of the way as no call=boyfriend still around. No point banging my head against the wall there. Meanwhile the BBC used one of my photos on their website I took on Friday, so clearly moving up a level in voluntary artistic and media activity. After selling one set of postcards on Tuesday I'm doing the rest of the area tomorrow and the main thing is p...
More About: Hope

The week ahead?
2008-08-19 01:28:00
As this is the time I would otherwise be talking to someone about my day and the week ahead, as there isn't anyone it has to go here and shared in delay. Not that there is much in either pile but of all my options this is the best one now.I have been all over the place in the last week with the camera mainly as I've done everywhere nearby and if I don't find places to go there's little else to do. In the winter I may switch to painting again but that has got me nothing besides a redundant collection in a gallery and there's little point adding to that. Art is usually judged by the customer rather than the artist and they were happy enough to take them so I presume they thought they could sell. And tomorrow I do the same with the postcards so will see. Not that there's any money in them at all, just publicity. But nothing wrong with that. One small ray of light is the BBC will be using a photo I took (seen the day I took it), and will post a link when up later in the week. I'm...
More About: Week , Ahead

It had to be said
2008-08-16 18:27:00
I really don't want to be doing this, but since it's been questioned constantly I may as well explain a bit more about the phobias. This isn't a blog about my phobias or in general, only when they are relevant do they get mentioned but that has now led to at least one person trying to fill in all the gaps I hadn't mentioned. I don't want to be reminded of these problems so only mention them where they need to be, such as now.If the list of arrangements I couldn't go to was here it would cover many pages. The only difference is how long it is that particular day as like all mental illnesses it isn't constant. Even the worst schizophrenia and depression come and go relatively. Anyone who actually is in the mental health business would know this and very few others do. The only approval we need is of the government who set a test so difficult few can slip through by mistake, and is about to get a lot tougher. If bored amateurs think they can diagnose me better than them, with no...

Nothing else to do
2008-08-14 00:11:00
'May you live in interesting times' is a Chinese curse based on the same principle I mentioned the other day and echoed by teachers ever since. Excitement and activity is not concerned if good or bad, it just is. Pure chaos. So is demonstrated here. I pay too high a price for the activity but without readers a blog may as well not exist. If I gave up any activity that came at a cost I'd do even less than I do now and no one will stop me doing that.After managing a day with my agoraphobia cure, the woman I used to go out with from Manchester, who dragged me to many of the places I didn't like in the past, and as a result made me cope with far more films, restaurants and discos than I would have otherwise. She made me take her round central London each time she came until I finally had enough and even yesterday got me doing far more than I would otherwise so that had its positive side. It can still be stressful though but I haven't really got anyone round here who insists so much...

Sunday's roundup
2008-08-10 23:57:00
You can't always do the right thing on blogs, either you wait till you've got something to say and people find no new posts, or you come back regardless of what could be reported. But I always saw that as a challenge and looking back can see I always find something once I open the box.Looking as an accountant would, I've had a pretty raw deal recently. No real profit, and although no real losses a company that only breaks even will not be a successful or happy one either. Having a rival article printed on the day mine could have been used was yet another setback as well as the huge contract jam on the last TV programme I did that's been struggling to stay alive for years since being filmed. The little government issue generates new queries to be answered almost daily, and no, it doesn't serve us right, benefits are either gained legitimately or fraudulently and are not awarded as a matter of opinion or discretion, they make the rules of eligibility and you either qualify or not...
More About: Roundup

Getting off the train
2008-08-08 17:33:00
I have 15 minutes before I go out and there's golf on TV but whatever makes me do this made me come here instead of watching it.I said to Thomas yesterday about the theories behind enlightenment/advaita, and it is playing out (leela) in my life so perfectly as described by the teachers. The rule is if you engage with worldly things they always even out, so best to transcend them and leave them behind when they'll no longer affect you. It's almost like being at a distance now, as I see little barrages of events, either all good or all bad come day by day and see how well they balance each other and why there's no point seeking the good as the bad is part of it and must follow.So it pushes me a little more away from the samsara and to enlightenment as you never stay up long and however good you feel when you are it goes down as circumstances do. So if you are told there is a second way it has to be a better one. The emotions have their place but if the peace behind them is both co...
More About: Train

Big Brother video
2008-08-07 02:53:00
Last year's housemate Jonty watches Big Brother with me this year.
More About: Video

Back to normal
2008-08-05 02:32:00
Well this is the post I was going to make before I was diverted. So I've used up my quota of rude words for 2008 and possibly the whole decade, but I'm not using the racist dreck you get on Youtube which really does deserve some sort of action.Anyway, besides now being thoroughly confused having to juggle who knows how many anonymous posters and supposed to know who said what when I reply I don't know. As for commenting on my life I can only report it as it is and select the bits that aren't so dreadfully ordinary I'd be sounding like many people I do know. But 99% of life is little things and if we only report the big ones we'd be here about once a year if that. And the ones you read in the newspapers are so exaggerated as they know as well most of life is so ordinary.I have cleared last week's caca out the way, and am now clear for another of freedom. I have to say criticising people's life tends to encourage more details as way of explanation, and I'll start by talking a...
More About: Back , Normal

Continued
2008-08-05 01:53:00
I'm pretty disappointed with the way too many people haven't learnt how to save their opinions for situations of equality. Any cunt with a computer can trawl people's sites all day long and call them names, and so what? They look like cunts. End of.Now repeating the same insults and trying to make me look worse than you is never going to work as you attacked me and even if I overreact for a minute (you should really see overreacting, someone called Tommy Moore showed me the meaning of that once in a live chat), it doesn't change the situation. You anons are all bullies and if saw me in public would never dare to speak a word of the vile nonsense you do. I'm happy to let you on as this is a democracy and for some reason people do like to read it (according to the stats) so why not have some car crash blogs if it entertains others. But they are not witnessing any more than a playground brawl and it's the first time it's happened to me since I left school as adults rarely behave...

A bit more information
2008-08-03 15:27:00
There are two types of criticism, informed and judgemental. Now my anonymous reader who loves to stand back and feel superior by reflected comparison is clearly of the second type, and had he the brains to understand eccentricity, instead of like common people throughout the ages condemn it, none of what I write would go straight over his head. I say he, but being anon I should really say it but it doesn't read well.A little about phobias for those who do want to know, agoraphobia and claustrophobia are both misunderstood and actually the same thing. Agoraphobia is the fear of leaving home and claustrophobia is the result once you've left there. Taking photos is open ended, meaning I go and come back when I feel like it. The exact opposite of a job.Now I've got that out of the way, there's little else to report, but continue wishing nothing less than serious illness on anon simply as it's the only way he'll learn the truth, as he refuses to listen to those who know. Their choi...
More About: Information

Read this, suckers!
2008-08-02 01:03:00
I have to say first despite the standard nature of the comments besides a few, that was partly the aim of the last few entries as having hardly any for months had to 'spice it up a bit' or I feared I'd lose the last few visitors I had. Not that I god forbid would ever make a thing up, it was about revealing more than most should in return for a bit more interest. Negative/positive, as they say on the radio all listeners are counted equally and they don't care why they're listening. Bums on seats, literally the bottom line. Even controversial politics had no effect before as it's possibly becoming more mainstream, and that would be a good thing as we need to fight the bastards before they send us all to the third world economically and technically. One reason so many politicians are apparently against cars as they realise with no fuel we'll have to do without them so maybe are trying to prepare us now by making driving one as hard as possible.So back to my week, well some may...
More About: Read , Suckers

My latest work record
2008-07-29 17:30:00
Since it was requested a little about my working history. My last job was bloody ages ago, I was made redundant and after 18 months applying for jobs as required had a few interviews and no offers. The Job Centre then wanted me to take the cack they offer for people either with no qualifications (ie no graduate positions) or so obscure no one can qualify (fluent Japanese etc). This pushed me over the edge, I saw the doctor and they signed me off with anxiety. The new tablets calmed me down and sent me looking, another 100 or so applications and I got a job in a branch of a local optician's. Trainee manager. The shop was so far from the others no one came in the first week and the boss rented it out the week after and let me go.I then returned to home study as my counselling qualifications were academic but not professional so no work available outside private. That mopped up a couple of years and passed them all in the end, and applied for new jobs which could now accept me. I got ...
More About: Work , Record

A week of cack
2008-07-22 22:46:00
As per bloody usual, when little is happening something comes in to fuck it up, in this case (the government, the standard offender) has stepped in to do an investigation on my dole (yes guys, I'm on the dole, sorry), in the form of an interview next week. I've no idea why except apparently someone has pretended to be me in the past. Enough said. I won't let it ruin the week before it occurs though, it's not the investigation but the effort required to take the interview I dislike, but it's not as bad as many I've endured in the past.So besides that little piece of mucus on the lens of life, nothing else has happened of note and is known ahead. I went all the way to Clapton today for photos, covered an area previously well known when I collected train tickets and lived nearer to it, and it's not really changed since then either.I haven't got many plans outside the following day routine I've used for weeks, except none for tomorrow, although a tray of work accounts waits so ...
More About: Week , Cack

I have returned
2008-07-17 15:53:00
I am keeping busy and the only thing missing are any people, especially now my grandma's been in hospital so I haven't got anywhere to go in the two evenings a week I went there. Of course I missed a number of Tuesday football matches in the past as a result but you can't do everything. I've been shopping like a lunatic mainly due to eating more at home for the same reason, and exploring new places for variety, in particular more Jewish food which my grandma sometimes has and I wouldn't have otherwise. All the normal household chores (besides the gardening) have been done due to opportunity, and I took the camera on the train yesterday for some inside pictures and a bit of fun. I discovered a bit of Stanmore common I don't remember outside the station which is the best part I've seen, even though I lived there for nearly 2 years and walked there regularly. Just shows.One place I can live without going to is hospitals. Not that I haven't, I just hate it now having visited so ...

Route 66, my way
2008-07-09 04:05:00
One more from my set of old tutDirect route if required
More About: Route , Route 66

Week's roundup
2008-07-07 02:13:00
As my energy returns I'm gradually able to do more and more I could before, and have been the last week or so as well. That is a relief I can tell you. Nearly all business rather than pleasure but have been able to wander round shopping centres again which is not easy with little energy or balance. Youtake nothing for granted again in your life when you were barely able to do anything.So, life is going on regardless. I've got a lot done and out of the way, small media possibilities later on, and the rest is down to fate and inspiration. More business chores to do but less urgent at least. Where it is heading, if anything ever does, is anyone's guess. Like if I settle for a retarded girlfriend as she is attractive and harmless, that is assuming she ever decides she wants me? Not technically retarded but functionally, meaning that is the actual impression her problems give. That won't change as far as I know, but fate again will step in and make the decision for me, well she will ...
More About: Roundup

Use your commonsense
2008-07-04 02:30:00
I'm going to check my hits after I've done this, but know some people are still around. But my controversial comments must be becoming normal to people now as they haven't attracted any comments despite going out of my way to call a spade a spade. Not that I disbelieve what I say, I'm honest, but don't try and sugar the pill.Our intuition tells us what's right and wrong, and politicians try and override it. Many people are brainwashed into believing you can't call blind people blind or spastics spastics although most of them don't mind as it tells people what they are. Or protecting ethnic minorities from offence they don't even care about. Lies and bullshit and even I assumed global warming was true in 1998 until there was no evidence of it and then the taxes followed. If you're in a market and you catch the salesman telling lies you walk away, so why the hell have so few people seen the fabrication of the global warming monster? The EU (read Nazi party revisited) have ad...

Why aliens have not visited Earth
2008-06-30 23:39:00
There are three types of blog, personal, news/information and fiction. I don't do fiction, provide new information when I have it, and otherwise can only report personal events. Being the same life as last time it's difficult to be very different from before, but then again when watching TV do you want total discontinuity in the dramas you watch every day, like Toady and Harold leaving Neighbours on the same day? So if you are interested in a person you have to put up with them following a path as they are as if it's boring for you imagine what it's like living through it.So, the current daily policy of planning a day ahead when possible or like tomorrow not at all has worked so far. The media work is moving slowly and not surely, but another finish will be very welcome. The one little opening in my life was catching another naughty number plate I'd seen twice before but with no camera or chance to see it parked. My original theory it was a remade BC plate from Canada seems spo...
More About: Earth , Aliens

Pretty well buggered at the moment
2008-06-28 02:32:00
Christ it's become boring recently. There's only so much I can do while nothing happens around me. How long this will last is anyone's guess, but besides having no actual known problems there's sod all else on top of that, which is not enough for anyone.I keep as busy as anyone can, and had a couple of jobs to do for family today that diverted me and the camera to Hendon and Temple Fortune, plus the kosher shop which was useful. One friend says he can't be bothered to go out and about on his own so stays in (with his parents) whereas I am better off going out as there are no parents or anyone else in or out.The list of people not replying reflects one a few years ago, about 7 in a row, none with any more reason not to than any other. I can just as easily get the same all reply in a row, but that's how so much in my life happens. The eastern view this is all a dream makes far more sense than the western evil god, as if I was creating all this the consistencies would be as it wa...
More About: Moment , Pretty

The purpose of dreams
2008-06-24 02:26:00
There are a few times when things stop altogether my life can be pointed back on track by dreams. These overlap the ordinary type but contain what's more like a real person or experience designed to show me what's possible in reality. Where they come from is another story but I know now all supernatural events should be taken advantage in with no need to understand how. People used to have no choice but to live this way but now people think if they don't know it's scientific it can't exist. Well I can say different.My own intuition is the same as everyone's except I realised fairly quickly there were things I knew I'd always known despite not having an experience of said issues yet. Like food. I can look at anything and know if I won't like it, and if some gets in by accident I'll say there's whatever it is there and it's revolting. Never tried it but always knew. Same with most women I meet. So I am now working on using this more, I've long finished studies where I need...
More About: Dreams , Purpose

Bollocks on Friday
2008-06-21 03:11:00
Another week of freedom, which is good. My post reflected this exactly as for the first time since having my own place I didn't have any for 3 days. This was the same as life in general as most post is bad, but a little is good, and if you get none you have nothing.So the nothing continues, I've emailed Christine, the ex from long ago, another ex who replied after years, another hasn't called back after giving me her number and only having a few minutes to talk. I added to the list by emailing Will Self at last after finding a contact, someone from Big Brother and someone's sister from school. That's a perfect 6/6, and it's not that always happens, but instead either most reply or don't. Always in bunches. Search me how.So what have I done with the freedom? Two days taking more or less every nice road in NW11, followed by Pinner and Kentish Town. One almost girlfriend visited telling me should she actually dump her boyfriend she wants to dump I'll be next. After a 7 week hol...
More About: Friday

Will it ever happen?
2008-06-16 22:44:00
So many of my posts are about what I'd like to happen I expect some people are wondering if any ever will. Especially me. So here's a list of some and then some which have come to pass.Firstly ever since attending a lecture in 1996 I've been told there's a thing called enlightenment. I can now just about accept this having read accounts of people on LSD who seem to be able to create it artificially. Of course if you do it naturally and it's possible then I can, especially as I've worked my way through a number of teachers to show me how.Marriage. This is out of my hands and is far less important than simply finding a compatible sexual partner, ie one I actually want.Fame. That is the best of my bunch, something I was determined to have all my life and on the verge now, having missed like Lee Westwood in the US Open golf last night by a hair's breadth when the article I did via interview for The Sun wasn't used. I know the rules to become famous, use them religiously, and thi...