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Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited
2007-11-13 14:41:00
This article, Straight , Gay or Lying was in the New York Times in July, 2005. I disagree with the experts who say bisexuality does not exist. I think it does. And as you can see from this blog I believe that more straight men engage in sex with other men that are bisexual. However, for discussion I think it is important to have articles like these that explore the whole concept from straight to gay and everything in between.Some people are attracted to women; some are attracted to men. And some, ifSigmund Freud, Dr. Alfred Kinsey and millions of self-described bisexuals are tobe believed, are drawn to both sexes.But a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least inmen.The study, by a team of psychologists in Chicago and Toronto, lendssupport to those who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct andstable sexual orientation.People who claim bisexuality, according to these critics, are usuallyhomosexual, but are ambivalent about their homosexuality...
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Joe Kort on Air America--The Lionel Show
2007-11-11 05:26:00
I was interviewed by the Lionel Show on Air America in October, 2007 about Larry Craig and the concept of straight men who have sex with other men.My segment is 11 minutes.What do you think of my comments? Let me know on the blog. Do you agree? Disagree? Something to add?Please feel free I think it could be a lively discussion.Warmly, Joe
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STAGES OF BISEXUAL IDENTITY
2007-11-04 17:11:00
For most bisexuals, there are at least four steps or stages to fully acknowledging and becoming comfortable with their identities as bisexuals.Confusion over sexual orientation.Most bisexual people start out feeling very confused about their attraction towards people of both sexes, questioning their own reality, and wondering "Is something wrong with me/"Some spend their entire lives in this stage, hiding their sexual orientation, feeling isolated and alone with the inner turmoil over their "dual attractions.Many go through life identifying as straight or gay/lesbian in order to be accepted and make sense of their sexual orientation. Because their own experience does not conform to either community, they feel intense external pressure to choose one and identify with it. Without any language to frame their own reality, and no visible role models or community available to them, bisexual people must have sufficient self-confidence and belief in their own identity in order to eventually...
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13 Types of Bisexuals
2007-11-04 16:35:00
In an article entitled, Getting to grips with the various types of bisexuality, it talks about the various types of bisexuals that exist.Many people are 100% gay or lesbian and are drawn sexually and emotionally only to partners of the same sex. Others are completely heterosexual, bonding in sexual and intimate relationships only with people of another sex.But what about everybody else? A significant percentage of people do not fit neatly into either of these categories, because they experience sexual and emotional attractions and feelings for people of different genders at some point during their lives. For lack of a better term, they are called bisexuals, although, many people prefer to call themselves “pansexual”, “non – preferential”, “sexually fluid”, “ambisexual” or “omni – sexual”.The Kinsey scaleThe Kinsey scale of zero to six was developed by sex researchers to describe sexual orientation as a continuum. Heterosexual people are at zero on the scale, ...
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Dude, I'm Not Gay!
2007-10-23 05:10:00
In my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love I talk about how men distance themselves from homosexuality.From chapter 2: Being raised male in the heterosexist culture means avoiding and distancingyourself from being viewed as gay in any way. Gay is synonymous witheffeminate.This is inherent sexism, as if being associated with anythingfemale woulddenigrate you. In our culture, being male is a privilegedstatus, and anythingelse is viewed as inferior. A number of times I’ve hada straight man notice mywedding ring and ask if I’m married. I’ll say,“Yes,” because I am. When he asksmy wife’s name, I pleasantly correct himand tell him that I’m married to a manwhose name is Mike.Often, theguy steps back and immediately exclaims,“Dude , I’m not gay!” He may thenproceed to ask, “Why did you choose to tell meyou’re gay?” as if I had asexual motive, or tell me he was “grossed out” by theidea. Now, I neverimplied that he was gay by telling him I was, n...

"I Am Not Gay" sung to the tune of YMCA Performed by the Village People
2007-10-22 02:34:00
A funny video about Sen. Larry Craig.
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Sexual Addiction and straight men who have sex with men
2007-10-20 06:26:00
Here is an excellent write up about straight men who have sex with men as it relates to sexual addiction. The article is in the New York Daily News Health Section byDr. David Moore and Bill Manville. They refer to why men like Sen. Larry Craig might sexually act out with other men in public bathrooms.Their column, What causes sex addiction - and what you can do, quotes Dr. Don Strassberg, a professor at the University of Utah, saying:Sexual activity centers on the release of the brain chemical, Dopamine - whichis as powerful as cocaine or meth. Think of Dopamine as colors on an artist'spalette, and your brain's deepest emotional center as the canvas on which youpaint your sexual memories. This primitive, emotional region of the brain - thelimbic system - is so basic that we share it with most mammals.Sexualarousal is a basic instinctual motivation. Whether through fantasythatbrings us pleasure or the sexual acts themselves, Dopamine prints deep rewardsin our psyche.Then Dr. Dave a...
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Sex in America
2007-10-18 14:43:00
If you're uncomfortable about blacks, you're a racist; uncomfortable about Jews, you are an anti-semite; but today, if you're uncomfortable about sex, you're a civic leader. --- Dr. Marty KleinI love this quote from another blogger, psychotherapist specializing in sexuality and author, Marty Klein, who writes Sexual Intelligence
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Sen. Larry Craig to be on Matt Laur Primetime October 16, 2007
2007-10-16 04:26:00
NBC confirms Matt Lauer will interview embattled Sen. Larry Craig Tuesday October 16, 2007. The interview will air in a Matt Lauer Reports primetime special. Excerpts will also run on the Today show Wednesday morning. Lauer will also interview the Senator's wife, Suzanne Craig, who will be speaking publicly for the first time about the incident and the events that followed.While I don't believe he is innocent of his foot tapping and intent to have sex with another man, I also don't believe he is gay.I have had hundreds of heterosexual male clients have sex with men and the only thing homosexual about it was the sexual act. Nothing more.Research is starting to support that sexual acts can be distinct from romantic love. In other words, one can have sexual acts with another human being and it can be void of any romantic and affectional feelings.Men have intuited this all along. Myself included, we men know that there can be sex for release, sex for love and sex for both. So then wh...
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Mother-son Incest
2007-10-13 01:46:00
I discovered today that at MaleSurvor.org there were postings about the lack of resources on mother-son incest. There is such a taboo that mothers can--and do--sexually abuse their sons. But they can--and they do! However there are few to no books about the subject.I want to start talking on this blog about mother-son incest because it does exist and contributes to straight and gay sexual acting out.Some of the sexual abuse by mothers causes men to seek out sex with other men feeling that men are safer than women. Again, this is not about homosexuality it is about sexually acting out trauma. And there are a number of reasons for this that I will discuss here on Straight Guise.One of the reasons mothers sexually abuse their sons is misandry.The following is an excerpt from my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love in chapter five on gay men and their relationships with their mothers. I have edited it to speak to any male who has issues with his mother.In this society,...
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Natural Sex Drugs
2007-10-07 18:28:00
This week on the cover of the New Yorker. This ritual which has been going on for more than 40 years suddenly makes news just because of Larry Craig? My hope would be that those who write and talk about this in the media will stick to the facts about why and what really goes on those bathrooms rather than sensationalizing it and making a mockery out of it.As Joseph Campbell once said;Boys everywhere have a need for rituals, marking their passage to manhood. If society does not provide them, they will inevitably invent their own. If we don't start acknowledging and making room for straight men having sex with other men this behavior will only continue in underground, dark and secretive places shaming the men who do it causing them to do it even more. FEAR, RISK and DANGERThese are the crucial elements that cause these men to act out sexually with other men in public places. They are also what cause new lovers and couples who fight and make up to have hot, bonding and exciting sex. T...
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Misandry: The hatred of men as a sex
2007-09-28 16:34:00
I’m sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry but tonight I’m cleaning out my closet. —lyrics to Eminem’s “Cleaning Out My Closet (I’m Sorry, Mama)”Eminem went where no son has publicly gone before—or is allowed to go—in attacking his mother. In this society, it is taboo to speak ill of our mothers, so we either keep silent or get judged negatively for doing it. It is as though we are not allowed to talk about the bad only the good. By going against his mother, a man gets punished and called a misogynist who hates women.Countless articles and interviews analyzed Eminem’s lyrics to “Cleaning out my Closet,” focusing on how his anger at his mother has become generalized to hate for all women. But what about his mother in real life? What kind of woman was she toward her children and her son?A misandrist (which my word processor cannot even find in its Spell Checker) is the respectable feminist equivalent for the word misogynist, accord...
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Oscar De La Hoya Photo Scandal
2007-09-27 05:09:00
Why are we so fascinated by the sex lives of others? Especiallywhen they deviate from the norm of what we see in the media?Straight Guise has taken on one part of the fascination in terms of straight men who have sex with men and there are so many more--men and women-with complicated sexual fantasies and desires?Maybe because we are fascinated at all the twists and turns sexuality can take. Voyeurs at heart, people want to know what is happening behind closed bedroom doors.But I think it is more than that. It is that all of us have sexualinterests and desires and we think ours might be odd or abnormal. We don'treally know it isn't talked about. Even if you don't have fetishes or kinkydesires, no one really knows what is okay and what is not okay. What are othersdoing? Does it work? Do they like it? Can they face themselves--or worse theirpartners--the next day.Now we have a new sex scandal--Oscar De La Hoya. I never heard of him until all of this. Ahandsome man who might have a k...
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Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say
2007-09-22 00:18:00
Today in the Washington Blade :Craig scandal brings issue of sexual identity to light Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say ELIZABETH PERRY Friday, September 21, 2007Sen. Larry Craig’s (R-Idaho) arrest last June for allegedly soliciting sex from another man in an airport restroom and his insistence that he is straight has reawakened the debate over sexual behavior, identity and orientation.“I am not gay. I have never been gay,” Craig said at an oft-quoted Aug. 28 news conference. “I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis Airport.”Kort, a gay therapist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, said it is possible that Craig might well be homosexual in terms of orientation, but not identity. He said being “gay” is an identity, while being “homosexual” is an orientation.“I treat many men who are homosexual and do not wish to be gay,” Kort said. “They cannot and do not change their orientation, however. For these men, and Larry Craig may be one...
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20/20 to Feature Love Won Out Conference
2007-09-21 17:09:00
Tonight on the television show 20/20 they are doing a story on an organization called, “Love Won Out” which is an anti-gay activist group which proposes that gays can convert to straight.Focus on the Family's Love Won Outconference will be featured during a segment of ABC's20/20 scheduled to air Friday. The show, called "The Toughest Call," isto air from 9 to 11 p.m. EST. "It's about people who have to make toughchoices in their lives," said Allison Lynn, a 20/20 producer. Focus on the Family's Love Won Out ministry exhorts and equips the churchto respond in a Christ-like way to the issue of homosexuality. And to those whostruggle with unwanted same-sex attractions, the event offers the Gospel hopethat the desires can be overcome. "Many of the speakers at our conferenceshad to make a very difficult choice," said Mónica Martí, Love Won Out mediamanager. "They had to choose to live their lives by God's standard forsexuality, instead of bowing down to their own feelings or ...
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Why Women Marry Men Who Have Sex With Men
2007-09-20 16:20:00
Many women ask themselves after discovering their male partners have sex with other men, “How could she not have known?”Some women, consciously or unconsciously, gravitate toward gays or MSMs. This happens for a variety of reasons—most of which are unconscious and subtle. While there are many women who marry gays or MSMs knowingly, the majority have no conscious awareness of this.Many women who marry gays or MSMs are enablers and codependent. That is, these women allow their spouses to continue their behavior and feel unworthy and powerless to confront it after they realize it is happening.A straight woman may be unconsciously drawn to men who might betray her. Perhaps while growing up, she experienced lies and witnessed emotional boundary violations that remained unresolved and left her traumatized. This could turn her into a co-addict who unconsciously seeks a “familiar” man who violates her trust all over again.On the other hand, she may believe that she is attractive ...
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Women Who Love To Watch Gay Male Porn!
2007-09-15 20:46:00
I first learned of the phenomenon of women who love to watch gay male porn through couples who entered my office where the women were married to men who had sex with men. For these women it was arousing and erotic to watch two men having sex in porn and even watching her husband with another man.At first I didn't understand this phenomenon until I put it into context of how straight men love to watch two women and even watch their wives have sex with other women. Then it made sense.At Gay Affirmative Trainings for professional therapists and students of a class I teach at Wayne State University on gay and lesbian studies I would show film clips of various movies and television shows portraying gay and lesbian relationship and sexuality. The women in my class all knew of the shows and would reveal they enjoyed watching the two men having sex during the shows. One show in particular which was arousing for them was "Queer as Folk". But the most shocking to me was learning that some le...
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HUSBANDS OUT TO THEIR WIVES
2007-09-13 17:32:00
Here is an email I received about an online support group for gay or bisexual men who are out to their wives.HUSBANDS OUT TO THEIR WIVESWho We ARE Husbands Out to their Wives is a support group for married Gay or Bisexual men who either have or intend to come out to their wives. (The requirement is that a commitment has been made to themselves that it is necessary for their personal well-being and to have absolute honesty with the wife.)The group was started in 1996 as a sub-group of Bi-Married Men of America (BMMA), an established group for married men who have identified themselves as Gay or Bisexual, but have not necessarily made the decision to come out of the closet to their spouses. The men in HOW represent a wide variety of life styles as far as relating their sexuality to their marriages. Some have no M2M intimate relationships, some do with the support of their wives, and there are examples of triad relationships living under the same roof. But these three types of situat...

"I Am Bisexual. I Like Both Gay & Straight Men!" Alan Semonian
2007-09-13 06:12:00
This is a quote from a friend of mine who has given me permission to reprint it. I think it speaks to the large number of gay men who enjoy erotic play with straight men.I have received many emails from gay men who have told me that reading this blog is like reading pornography for them in that they have fantasies of wanting to be sexual with straight men.I have had many clients that enjoy finding straight men they can convince to be sexual with them.The following is an excerpt on this topic of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy from chapter 7 of my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love.I identify the cultural phenomenon of gay males seeking “straight acting” gay men because of internalized homophobia and how they’re more often looking for masculine acting men. But what about gay men’s sexual obsessions with real straight men? I’ve heard countless clients tell me of their interest in “getting sexual with a straight man” for one night. Some clients talk abo...
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Straight men and Patriarchy
2007-09-10 17:17:00
I totally agree with William Leap. This is very good and makes total sense to me as I have worked with these men professionally for 23 years. I would meet these men as a single gay man during sexual hookups. Gay men cannot deny men like Craig who are straight but act gay exist as they have all been with one at one time or another.For men, 'straight' label is inflexibleBY J. PEDER ZANE, The News & ObserverConsider this: Almost half of all men who have sex with other men in public bathrooms consider themselves straight, according to William Leap, a professor of anthropology at American University, who has studied this behavior since the early 1990s. "They insist, 'I'm not gay, I'm not homosexual, I'm straight,' " Leap told me. "The general description for these guys is they are married and they often talk about these encounters as recreational -- fun, excitement, a break from the long workday." One man told Leap that the encounters offered "dangerous excitement" in contrast to ...
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"Homophobia Acts Like a Psychological Condom on their Manhood" Sociologist
2007-09-08 05:58:00
I promised not to turn this blog into anything political and I plan to keep that promise. The fact that so much of my latest entries is about a political figure, Sen. Larry Craig, is only because he is in the media and he is prompting conversations and debates about men who have sex with men (MSM).We are seeing more and more that homophobic men are not always hiding homosexuality or deeply closeted. Some of these men were sexually abused and/or gender abused where their manhood was perhaps shamed and questioned.In Larry Craig's case he was hiding homosexual behavior, not identity. Men like Larry Craig who promoted prejudice by voting against gay rights was one of those men. His homophobia, as the quote from Christophe Gentaz says, is a psychological condom which was exposed the day he was arrested. Today the Washington Blade, a gay newspaper, has an excellent Opinion article entitled:Understanding Craig’s identity Gay Like many blacks, Idaho senator rejects media image of modern ...
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Is It Just a Phase to Haze?
2007-09-07 16:27:00
A hazing article posted on Posted by The Grand Rapids Press September 05, 2007 entitled:Teen in hazing case sentenced to probationThe hazing detailed in the school and police investigation included restraining students by holding down their arms and legs, slapping victims' stomachs to cause the skin to turn pink, applying pressure to the victim's rectal area through their clothes using thumbs or fingers -- on one occasion, a toothbrush was used to apply pressure. The allegations also included pulling down the perpetrators' pants and putting their rear ends in the face of victims, and using their hands in the victim's genital areas.I find it of interest that no one talks about the homo-erotic tone to these types of acts. When these articles are written there are no accusations of those involved being homosexual, gay or bisexual.Why is that? Certainly there is something sexual--even if covertly--about these boys engaging in these types of acts. And yet there is no public outcry, a...
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Comic Relief about Sen. Larry Craig: I Will Not Blow This Job
2007-09-06 20:59:00
Breaking NewsLarry Craig : I Will Not Blow This JobIdaho Senator Withdraws ResignationLess than one week after announcing his intention to resign from office, embattled Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) changed course today, telling reporters in Washington, “I will not blow this job.” Over the past few days, there had been whispers in Republican circles that Sen. Craig had, in the words of one of the Idaho senator’s associates, “pulled out too early,” “At the end of the day, Larry does not want to blow this job,” the associate said. “He will do whatever it takes to win back the support of his constituents, even if it means getting down on his knees.”Another associate of Sen. Craig’s agreed that the Idaho senator announced his intention to vacate his Senate seat too hastily: “I think Larry now feels that to leave office on September 30 would be a premature evacuation.” Sen. Craig got a key vote of support from Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Penn), who held a press conference a...
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What is Homosexual Imprinting?
2007-09-06 15:52:00
From the intial posting of what Straight Guise is all about, I talked about how Homosexual Imprinting which is when a male has been sexually abused by another male and acts out homosexually.The fundamental principle here is that he is reenacting his sexual abuse, not expressing a homosexual identity.In other words the behavior is homosexual in that it is male on male. However, the sexually abused male is heterosexual. Reparative therapies would lead you to believe that there is "not such thing as homosexuality" and that all homosexual expression is an "acting out".This is false.There are men who behave homosexually and are truly gay--romantically, affectinally, spiritually, sexually and psychologically.Homosexually imprinted men are straight men whose homosexual expression is about behavioral acting out from original trauma.SEX & LOVE MAPPINGBy mapping I mean that one’s love and sexual preference map are determined early on in childhood. It is how we learn how to love. We observe ...

What becomes of the Homophobic?
2007-09-05 18:08:00
There is an excellent blog entry on Sexual Intelligence called, "Having Sex with men does NOT Make Larry Craig Gay" by author and sexpert Dr. Marty Klein. He writes about the Larry Craig scandal and says the following:If Craig could simply say, “I’m straight, I just like to have an occasional sexual adventure with a man,” he might not have to spend his life desperately trying to convince himself that he’s not gay. He might not have to spend his professional career viciously trashing homosexuality and preventing gays from accessing their full civil rights.He might have a marital crisis on his hands, but that’s his private business. As almost everyone agrees, lying to your spouse about having sex with someone else is immoral, regardless of their gender. Craig’s fears about his “immorality”—and his rantings about others’—were focused on the wrong thing.I completely agree with Klein.It isn't just men who are deeply closeted who bash gays and lesbians, it is those ...

Larry King Live on Larry Craig and Sexual Addiction
2007-09-03 22:13:00
Larry King 's live broadcast Saturday September 1, 2007 featured my colleague Robert Weiss from the Sexual Recovery Institute. Rob authored the book which was stated on the Larry King show, "Cruise Control: Gay Men and Sexual Addiction ".Click here to read the full transcript of the showThe highlights of the show where Rob talks about sexual addiction are:KING: Why would a United States senator with the problem risk it all in a public men's room?WEISS: Shame and repression. Here's a guy who may have parts of himself that he doesn't want anyone to know about and he's going to go off on a secret place to act them out and hope that no one's going to find out he may have some compulsive or addictive sexual behaviors. Clearly, there's a part of him he doesn't like and doesn't want anyone else to know about.KING: What do your patients tell you about the rush they get? What do they get out of this?WEISS: The rush is about the possibility of getting caught, the excitement, a look in ...
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Men's Room Sex
2007-09-02 18:07:00
Today the NYT Editorial has a great piece on police raids of men's rooms called, America’s Toe-Tapping Menace By Laura M. MacDonald published on September 2, 2007. In it she writes:For almost 40 years most police departments have been aware of something that still escapes the general public: men who troll for sex in public places, gay or “not gay,” are, for the most part, upstanding citizens. Arresting them costs a lot and accomplishes little.(Above is the arresting police officer, Police Sgt. Dave Karsnia) In 1970, Laud Humphreys published the groundbreaking dissertation he wrote as a doctoral candidate at Washington University called “Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Places.” Because of his unorthodox methods — he did not get his subjects’ consent, he tracked down names and addresses through license plate numbers, he interviewed the men in their homes in disguise and under false pretenses — “Tearoom Trade” is now taught as a primary example of unethica...
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Bag-A-Fag: Bathroom Stings
2007-09-02 17:38:00
In the Detroit, Michigan area, bathroom stings are quite common in certain rest areas and restrooms. I know this because I receive referrals from an organization here in Detroit called the Triangle Foundation. The Triangle Foundation ensures these men are treated fairly by the law and the police.The referrals are usually deeply closeted homosexual men who do not self-identify as gay. They are in the early stages of coming out deeply repressed. They are usually married, with children and hold highly prestigious jobs. Others are not gay nor do they desire sex with men. The main reason is for sexual release and lack of judgment during the sexual act. They are not fantasizing or longing for a man the way they would women.The main reasons are that they are re-enacting early childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse or are interested in certain sexual acts which they are afraid to tell anyone--especially their wives. Others are bisexual and closeted about their homosexual side. Other reasons...
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Larry Craig's Wife: From the Down Low to In The Know
2007-09-02 04:11:00
Larry Craig and other men have sex with men without telling their wives are living on the Down Low (DL). These Straight Guise are not inclined to tell their female partners about their sexual behavior, of course, because they are concerned they will lose the one person they love most. Women often say that men keeping their sexual desires and behaviors a secret is an example that they’re not in love anymore. But the opposite is often true—because a man cares so strongly for his wife, he wants to protect her feelings. This is not very comforting for the spouse who feels (and has been) betrayed. For a woman, her self-worth, sexual and mental health all suffer.Discretion versus DisclosureWhat should the female partner do upon learning this information? It is easy to label the Straight Guise as gay and/or bisexual and for him to do so himself, but the truth might be that he is neither. Understanding this can help save marriages and increase understanding, compassion and em...
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The Larry Craig Phenomenon: Homosexual but not gay!
2007-09-01 15:49:00
An article today by Rick Leggio in the Dallas Voice Gay? No. Homosexual? MaybeHe is homosexual, by his own guilty plea after being arrested for public loo trolling on June 11, 2007 (Craig ’s Waterloo, this scandal’s basis). But being gay requires, at the barest minimum, self-identification and acceptance of a same-sex orientation.This is what Straight Guise is all about.Homosexual is a sexual orientation. Gay is an affirmative identity.Plenty of men--and women for that matter--understand that their sexual orientation is homosexual. However, how they self-identify can be very different.The reason this is so controversial is twofold. Gay men--such as myself--would never dream of not fulfilling their core authentic selves and they shouldn't.However, in my practice I see many men and women who understand that they are homosexual and do not want to live as a gay man or lesbian. Who am I or anyone else to tell them they "should" live that way.For many their religious beliefs, ethnicit...
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