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The "Love" Store
2008-06-18 21:42:00
Driving with John on Sunday, we talked about some foreplay techniques. I keep forgetting that he has led such a sheltered life. I asked if he had every played with body paint. I shouldn't have been shocked when he said no but, as I said, I keep forgetting.So Tuesday night while trying to avoid our aerobics class, I suggested we check out a large toy store for body paints. John wasn't too keen on the idea but he went with me. We couldn't find any so I decided to drive out to a Love store; you know, a sex toy type place.I asked about body paint and the sales person showed us some massage oils and other stuff instead. She was quite knowledgeable. We also looked at DVD's, games, assorted toys, and costumes. Then we came to a swing set type thing. Pretty darn impressive, if you asked me.The sales person said she much prefers the large and small wedgey thing. She actually said it is a better deal to buy both together because you save big bucks. She had actually bought the large one an...
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Busy, Busy, Busy!
2008-05-13 01:45:00
Can it be that nearly a whole week has passed? Where does time go? Between living at home and running to the folks on the weekend, time is in short supply.Being married is good. It is like John and I can start living our life and planning for the future. But in the mean time John has to write all the checks for his parents and then get his mom to sign them. There is a lot to do. Then when we get home, I have groceries to buy and laundry to do. Seems like all we do is run.Today I had a weird thought. What if John stops loving me?? Yes, I know! It is an irrational fear and not anything close to reality. It occurred to me that my ex stopped loving me and I don't really know why. So what if the same thing happens with John?I won't let this bother me but it does unsettle me a little.Today, I worked 11 hours and I have the entire week scheduled like that. Sheesh, how am I going to keep up? I'm even working Saturday. Actually mid-week we are going out of state to see John's daughter gr...
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Our Marriage Agreement
2008-05-06 03:59:00
For those of you who guessed ENJOY as the reference to sex in John's vow to me, that would be a good choice. I guess I confused people, it really is a phrase: nurturing the flame of romance. It screamed SEX to John and me. Hee Hee. Now to share with you our marriage agreement. We both signed it along with our pastor. Would you add anything?We believe in the sanctity of marriage and acknowledge that it is a lifelong commitment. We will do everything within our power to make this marriage work. We freely agree to the following: We will put God first, each other second and then our children. We recognize that the greatest gift we can give our children is the example of a solid marriage.At the first sign of trouble, we will seek counseling. We will find a counselor that we both feel comfortable with.We will avoid words that hurt and seek to communicate the truth in love. We will validate each other and build each other up. We will be honest about ou...
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Dearly Beloved...
2008-05-06 03:32:00
We are gathered here today to hear the vows that John and Nancy have written to each other.John, repeat after me:Nancy, on our special day, I desire and take you for my faith and life partner, and my constant friend and love. I pledge to enjoy and love you all the days of my life. I will support you through the challenging times and take pleasure in the uplifting times, whichever God provides in His great wisdom. I will continue to listen and respect your ideas, trusting in your judgment, always being an encouragement to you. In all that comes our way, I will strive to be open and honest with you and always seek to nurture the flame of romance between us. I am thankful you are in my life and I appreciate you fully. Today, I choose you to be my wife in a bond that cannot be broken and I love you sincerely, now and forever.Nancy, repeat after me:John, on this special day, I give you my heart and give you my soul. Next to God, I will live for you alone and love you as God intended. I ...
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Mr. & Mrs. *FINALLY*
2008-05-05 02:39:00
WE DID IT!John and I were married on April 5th. It wasn't a smooth process but we did it. John's divorce came through at the end of March. On the court date, we weren't sure it was going to happen. The fx was still trying to re-negotiate the settlement. At that point, we gave in just to get it over.Until 2 days before, we weren't even sure WHERE we would do it. John's folks had been sick and hospitalized. They were released but not to home. Then his mom looked like she would be hospitalized again so I had to quick call to see if we could be married in the hospital chapel. They said yes but we didn't need it after all.My brother came from the east coast and he was our bouncer, in case the fx showed up to make a scene. (She didn't!)The wedding was perfect. We wrote our own vows and even had a marriage agreement drawn up between us. I will share those with you soon. Life is still a little crazy but hopefully things will settle down.I just wanted to share our wedding photo with a...
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Temporary Hiatus
2008-02-23 18:30:00
I have been trying to blog more and comment on other blogs. To be honest, I miss the community of such wonderful people.Right now, I am overwhelmed. I get this way every once in awhile. It isn't pretty. As hard as I try, I still over-commit. This is what I have said yes to:Work:organizing a major speaker to come to campus in April and speak to 2 different groupspartnering with another branch of the college to reach businessesgetting dept. chairs to use my "product" and get their programs approved for unemployed workersproctoring many, many times more than usualupgrading my license for additional benefitperforming for a boss who's mode of operation is overkill. If 3 documents are enough, give them 10. She asks for things that are totally irrelevant and STUPID!etc. etc. etc.ClassesI am taking a class toward my doctorate and have 12 weeks to do it. Well, I hate the subject matter: finance and have been struggling. Now I have less that 4 weeks to do at least 75% so I can ask for an ex...
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Lack of Safety
2008-02-17 23:58:00
In the mid-90's, there was a hate crime less than 2 miles from my home. A small shop owner was killed because of his race. I normally feel safe in my area because while crime still happens here, murder hasn't been very common. Most murders are disputes between parties or love triangles. The people involved sorta know when things are out of control. So if I'm getting along with everyone in my life, I should be fairly safe, right?The hate crime from over a decade ago, changed my thinking. My first reaction was to move further into the farmlands and away from the suburban areas. That didn't happen, of course. Yet I have never once entered into that store since the murder and have no plans of ever going there--EVER!Then comes the World Trade Center of 9-11. That shattered any sense of safety I may have held on to. Sure, I am far away enough from any big city that I wouldn't be touched. But you just never know.This week saw a murder of five young students at a local college here in ...
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Snow Day!
2008-02-07 05:33:00
With about a foot of new snow, I remained in my jammies and enjoyed the great indoors today! I did shovel my deck and by the door where I take Arthur outside. The Condo does everything else. It was so nice. I even got to take a nap this afternoon!John went home yesterday before the snow started. He was waiting for his attorney to contact him to come to the office and proofread some of what John did last week. Since I didn't know if he heard from the lawyer, I emailed him. We were back to our normal banter:Me: Any word yet?John: if I was needed, when that might be - haven't heard anything back yet.Me: Cool-----looks like we are getting another night to sleep soundly together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!John: MMMmmm...!!! Maybe your Little Buddy will become a Bigger Buddy for you tonight...!! Hee Hee!!Me: I was sort of hoping we could have done that at lunch time. But I am willing to try again!!!!John: Ahhh....nice and horny...just the way I want you...Me: With YOU around, how could I be anyth...
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Tooooo Long
2008-02-01 14:45:00
For a long time in my relationship with John, I would become unsure of his love for me when he was gone for any length of time. Since his parents live 2 hours away and he stays there regularly, I would be filled with doubt every time he was away.I have gotten better as we have been together longer. But I am finding myself with those old doubts. John has been gone about 10 days. Can he still love me when he is gone that long.?The truth is he does. Yet in my mind, I wonder. He has been working on a paper trail to prove he hasn't hidden money from his soon-to-be ex. He is almost done and should be returning tomorrow or maybe Sunday.We talk every day. However, it is me that says I miss him. He will say he misses me too but he never brings it up on his own. Sheesh. I'm too old feel this way! Fortunately, I recognize that I have twisted thinking when I feel the doubts. It is not the truth. Still I am getting used to living "alone."Funny what your mind can tell you!
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A New Delicacy?
2008-01-31 02:14:00
Arthur is the golden retriever that we adopted last summer. He is now 10 years old and very healthy. He is right here with his muzzle under my left forearm as I type. He needs lots and lots of attention since he has been bounced around from home to home.So now that he has found his forever home, he is feeling more comfy here. My other golden used to love cod liver oil capsules. It was good for his coat and he thought of them as candy. When Arthur saw Zeke eating them, he had to have one too. Arthur licked and licked and licked at the fish oil taste. I'm not sure he liked them but he wasn't going to miss out on anything that Zeke got.Last night he pranced around the door to my bedroom. I thought maybe he wanted out. But, no, that was not it. Just like a baby, I made sure he had food and water. Yup, no trouble there. So what could it be?After about the third time, I saw that he was interested in the tea light candles that I was using to heat up some water with lavender in it. He wa...

OMG!
2008-01-30 04:23:00
It is so wonderful to be welcomed back to blogging. I don't know that I will ever understand what everyone sees in my writing. I know I am honest and positive. I address issues head on. I am just such an ordinary person. I keep trying to get a promotion at work; yet I never shine and never seem to move up. Like I said: ordinary!Today was much better. I think I was more upset than I let myself believe about my ex hanging up on me yesterday. We have an amicable divorce and are "friends." But the issues between us haven't gone anywhere. Parenting is tops among them. We have never been on the same page and he disagrees with consequences I try to give to our son. At 18 years old, I can count on one hand the number of times I have been able to have a consequence stick with him. Luke is a verbal kid and always has been. He learned early on to pit one parent against the other to manipulate his way out of things. He even knew how to pull strings at high school to get out of stuff.I have fo...

Time to Blog Again?
2008-01-29 06:55:00
Time flies! Hard to believe it has been a month since I have posted. Life is good and life sucks. All I know is that I am filled with divergent feelings and I don't know what to do with all of them. What's a girl to do? Why blog, of course. Blog ging has always been a way for me to get my feelings out and look at them.Since I last blogged, I have kicked my son out and let him back in. Nearly kicked him out again. Had my ex-husband hang up on me today. Grieved the loss of my best 4 footed friend. Started a new course and done next to nothing with it. Began teaching a college class and wondered why in the hell I ever decided to do this. Reconnected with an old friend and then neglected to email her back since before Christmas. Been edgy and short tempered, critical and judgmental.I am both sad and angry. In short, I don't like myself at all right now.You know that kindness thing that has been so important to me? Right out the window! Yup. I have to work at being kind. This is a huge...
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From the Heart
2007-12-19 14:59:00
John,I am sorry that I am having a hard time. My heart aches with sadness for Zeke and anger that life has to be so difficult. It is time such as this that I need you to affirm how you feel for me. Since I am feeling unlovable (and acting that way too), I need to know if you can love me even now. Is your love unconditional? Can you really love me when you see the ugly side of me? I grew up not being able to make a single mistake. When I did make an error, I was ridiculed and shamed to the Nth degree. This makes me sensitive to what you are saying to me right now.What do I need from you? I need you to speak from your heart. I need to hear that this isn't going to tear us apart and that there will be good times again. I need to know that you aren't abandoning me emotionally but are willing to walk beside me for as long as it takes for me to grieve for Zeke. It would be nice to know that you hurt because of losing Zeke too (but only if it is true).When I am annoyed or irritable, joke...
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Moved Out and Back In
2007-12-18 19:51:00
John moved out on the 8th and I convinced him to come back. I might not be ready to face life without him. But I have been very angry lately--at everybody and everything. I even yelled at John and I hate myself for doing that.It is just so hard to mourn my dog. I am not doing well with it. I don't feel the Christmas spirit. My son is with his dad. And I don't want to leave my other dog to go to John's parents for the holidays. I'm planning on going over on Christmas day so I won't have to leave Arthur behind.Life sucks. I hope everyone is doing better than I am.
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Official Diagnosis
2007-12-04 07:15:00
I received a call from Zeke's surgeon and the biopsy results came back. Poor Zeke had stomach cancer and there was nothing that could have been done. I am feeling sad and not smiling like I usually do but I am doing better. I posted a tribute on a pet loss site and that was cathartic. I will do the same here in a few days.John was wonderful through the whole thing. He lets me talk about Zeke and think out loud about whether I could have done anything different. He let me tell him Sunday morning that I am extremely sad and he kindly said that was exactly how I should be feeling. John misses him too.And I have doubts. I just ordered a costly Christmas gift for John. I don't want to say what it is in case he checks in here. Yet I just don't know about us. We can try counseling or something. I think I will hang in there until after the holidays. John's finances will be a huge liability for me and I'm not sure I'm willing to take them on.Then there is his helplessness. Saturday, in...
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Yes, It Was Time
2007-11-29 02:40:00
I had the good fortune to spend an hour with Zeke before surgery today. He never let out a whimper or anything, yet he was clearly suffering. We camped out in an exam room--Zeke with his IV and me and John. I layed right down on the floor to pet and hold him.He was the finest dog I've ever known.They began the exploratory surgery and then the doctor came out. He explained that Zeke's intestines had balled up and you almost couldn't identify them as separate components. Then the doctor saw Zeke's stomach. There were growths--lots of them. Everything was inflamed and not working. The kindest thing to do was to put Zeke out of his misery.The decision was clear. There was no other choice. I got to go see him on the operating table (they had covered him up) and got to kiss him good bye as they administered the medication to stop his heart.I am doing okay with it, really. There was no other humane choice. I will miss him intensely and be sad. Yet I know I did everything I could for h...
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Is It Time to Say Good-Bye to Zeke?
2007-11-28 04:44:00
Zeke has been with me since he was 5 weeks old. He was a very special puppy and I spoiled him rotten. Still I took him through basic obedience and novice obedience because we both enjoyed it so much. He was the smartest, gentlest, kindest golden retriever that I have ever known.To say he has a special place in my heart is a classic understatement.I love him so much and my heart is breaking. He is just 7 years old and critically ill. He had a yeast infection in his ears and we got that mostly cleared up. But then he stopped eating. I know the medication we were giving him might have contributed so I took him off of it. His appetite didn't return.Monday I took him to the vet. They took x-rays and blood work. His tummy was distended and filled with either fluid or blood. Today, I took him for an ultrasound. The results are inconclusive. He has a lesion on his spleen and something going on with his pancreas. He might have a ruptured bowel. We just don't know until we open him up surgi...
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I Need a Hard Spanking!
2007-11-18 23:57:00
Sheesh! Do you every just want a spanking for no other reason than you just do? I am a spanko through and through. I don't need a lot of it but every once in awhile, it sure would fit the bill.John came through surgery and it remained laproscopic. He handled the pain much better when I was around. I returned to work the following day and he was left with his parents. He really does need me in his life.I am working on a very large paper for my class. As soon as it is done, the class is done and I can take a break. I have already written 3 sections in previous assignments and now need to bring it together and assess the institution I am doing a case study of. Why don't I just stay focused and finish it? I am so close. It is just that I am horny and distracted.But my real need is for a good, hard, long, bad-girl spanking. I need to be spanked where I can cry and release all the stress I have inside. In general, John has agreed to spank me occasionally, but he is not known for follow ...
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Ahhhhhh!
2007-11-12 14:13:00
*smile* *grin*Relief! I spent the weekend with John after not seeing him for 7 days. We always are so comfortable with each other and have such fun when we are together. We went to a college football game on Saturday with John's daughter and her husband. The game was good (but everyone stood throughout the whole game!!! Not good for my feet. Anyway...) Then we went to a movie and out to dinner. It was a full day and we got back to our motel and I fell asleep and slept hard for 11 hours. Guess I'm not used to all that fresh air and exercise.Sunday was my birthday. Yup! I still have them. John and I made love (for the second time this weekend) and I got a call from my brother. We went to breakfast and then he showed me around the campus that his daughter has been going to and will graduate from this spring. We took back roads home at a leasurely Sunday-drive pace. It was relaxing and wonderful. We stopped at a little town that has tons of quaint shops and looked around for a litt...

Is Love Enough?
2007-11-06 08:38:00
I love John. I love him unconditionally. I will always love him!At the moment I am having doubts. Doubts about whether we should be together for the long haul. Doubts that he is going to ruin me financially. Doubts about him since I seem to have to always take care of him. Doubts about lots of stuff.The good is VERY GOOD!!!!!!!! We laugh and enjoy life every day. He is sweet and kind and loving and fun and wonderful in so many ways. Last week when I was off for 3 days because of a very bad cold, he went to buy juice and a thermometer for me. Awwww, he's terrific.Yet I just don't know. Sex is good but there is never any spanking. I accept that he isn't into spanking but couldn't he accommodate me every once in a while? Heck 2 or 3 times a year would keep me happy.He loves to go out to eat. Who doesn't? Yet every meal? I offer to cook but he would rather go out. Then we split the cost of dinner and it is breaking me financially. I am deeply in debt--well above the level I am comf...
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Ahhh Choo!
2007-11-02 15:14:00
I am at home with a cold and reading, reading, reading for my class. At least I will be able to rest until Monday.There have been two deaths this week. The first was the brother of a friend of mine that I have been praying for since spring. He had cancer and was very ill. The other was my boss' supervisor, whom I liked very much. He was a gentle person and will be missed.Both were in their 50's and it is very sad.Hard to believe but life goes on.

Hidden Objects Game
2007-10-29 03:01:00
It is that time of year again and now I have twice the fun!!!Does anyone play those games where you have to find object within a picture that don't really belong there? You know the ones. There is a comb or fish or chair--something that is drawn as a part of the picture and you have to find it. I have found a game site that sells these rather inexpensively. I love to play them and they have so many levels and different pictures that it is addictive for me.Well, I am playing my own game of find the hidden object. With the fall leaves cluttering the ground, I am playing Find the Poop! That's right folks, I have two very large dogs and when they do their duties, I have to pick it up. Problem is that with the leaves, it is hard to spot.Now I know what you are thinking. Why don't I wear my glasses outside so I can see better? What fun is that? No, it is much like a game of hide and seek. I have an advantage of seeing exactly where my dogs go but they are on a 30 foot leash and I like ...
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The Lamp!
2007-10-25 01:51:00
I came home from work tonight and John says to me that the lamp on his night stand isn't working. I asked if he changed the light bulb. He asked me:Bulbs? Where would they be?His tone was incredulous as if he hadn't even considered changing it. I was astounded! I told him where to find them and promptly went to get them. When I changed the bulb, the lamp still didn't work.Now what?Time for advanced problem solving. I followed the cord and quickly discovered that the lamp was unplugged. Can anyone say: HELPLESS? Here is a man with a college education and he can't figure out what is wrong? Must I do everything?The answer is YES. Hee hee. I guess I need to turn him into a full fledge submissive so I can order his life. This man needs me!Hee Hee!!!If I was feeling better, I would be rolling on the floor laughing! I have collected a story that I can remind him of when I need to make a point.Ahhhh, I like it! *sly grin*
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Fall or (do you say) Autumn?
2007-10-23 14:18:00
I love this time of year. There is something about the peacefulness and serenity that appeals to a contemplative like me. That nature is cyclical is comforting.There must be a higher power that created all this. I just can't comprehend the big bang theory. Come on! How can a tornado create anything. Sure, a tornado metaphor may be a little small in comparison yet the dynamics are the same. Anyway....I love the cooler weather, the colors, the shortening days. There is much to appreciate: warm morning showers feel oh-so-good. Slipping between the cool sheets at bedtime and feeling my body warmth heating up the bed feels ever so cozy.Just yesterday, I made an observation that the leaves are more yellow than red. While I am not a scientist and this is just something I have noticed, it seems to me that when the fall weather is warmer, leaves are predominantly yellow. When we have an early frost, they are more red.I mentioned this in a meeting and there was one opinionated administrator ...
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What is there to write about?
2007-10-19 01:31:00
I dunno.Guy Zero called again last week. I heard the ring this time and promptly hung up on him without even answering. I have a good thing with John and we are very happy together. So there is no reason to talk to him. He called last month and left a couple of voicemails. He is very manipulative and I don't want to get dragged down into his world. I have no desire to have sex with anyone but John.I am checking a new church out and I really like it. Next week John and I are going to a small group meeting that is being hosted by a friend of mine. He was at my old church and has been at the surgeries that Luke went through. He even helped Luke and I move into my condo. When I needed to meet with the leaders of my old church, he went with me. He is married to a woman who I adore and they just had their 6th child! I am feeling much closer to God since John and I have been praying for a few months now. And with a new church that goes much deeper than my previous one, I expect to grow sp...
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Library; Book Closed
2007-10-15 03:36:00
Can it be that another week has passed and I haven't blogged? What a week it was too!I was off on Monday because I worked Saturday. I went in on Tuesday for professional development activities. Then I was off on Wednesday. So my whole week was crammed into two days. Wow, what a whirl wind.Wednesday is a red letter day. John got up and went to work as usual. Everything was peachy keen and wonderful. Little did we know that our world was going to be changed once again. John got to work and his boss was there. She called him into her office and there was another employee there. She proceeded to tell him that things weren't working out and they were having to let him go.WHAT THE F*CK?????Actually, his boss' style was polar opposite of his and I asked him early on how he was going to deal with it. She was a micro-manager and he was easy going. She had high expectations and he had a high learning curve. She liked tasks and he likes people.As he says, it is better that it happened now r...
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Better Now
2007-10-09 05:41:00
I knew the feel would pass and it did! The comments helped and I have responded to all of them. Thank you, dear readers.John and I went for a quick dinner and then to the movies tonight. We saw and incredibly good movie--one that I will want to own once it comes out. It is about a football player and a little girl. I laughed, I cried, and I loved all of it. Ahhhh, a very nice evening.The TV is on right now and I am ignoring it. I hate TV and only watch it when there is something I want to watch on it. I do watch one soap opera and a court show but that is about it. If I do turn the TV on for a few hours, I watch the home improvement type of shows where people "flip" houses.Anyway, John was watching the end of a ball game. It ended and I asked him if he wanted to change the channel to...once again, his bad habit of finishing my sentences kicked in. He NEVER knows what I am going to say. I pretty much guarantee it because even if he does get it right, I will change my mind (not really...

I Admit It
2007-10-07 22:17:00
I'm lonely.It is a quiet Sunday afternoon and the only ones home are me and my puppy dogs. Luke is out with a friend visiting a college in another nearby state. John is at his parent's home and will be returning this evening. What time will he be back? I wish I knew.I should be cleaning.I should be doing homework.I should be exercising.I should be grocery shopping.Instead, I am sitting here feeling down. Now that doesn't mean I'm feeling sorry for myself. No, just sad. My class on Friday was horrible. The immature little rugrats pulled a I'm-better-than-you look as I was discussing how we judge others. I related how I succeeded in changing by praying for anyone I found myself judging. They wouldn't discuss the topic and I was frustrated. It left me questioning my teaching ability. What it should have taught me is that this group wasn't receptive to the topic. Yet, I took it personally. I was already feeling a bit angry with them since only a third showed up for the mandatory ...

The Jewelry Store
2007-10-06 03:34:00
I have paid for dinner that last few nights so we decided that John would pay on Thursday night. We decided to try a new Italian restaurant that was on the pricey side. Getting John away from the baseball games was a bit tough. But we left and on the way, I saw a jewelry store. I said we should stop and look at wedding rings. John just laughed at me and I told him I was serious.We had a wonderful dinner complete with wine. John remembers having veal parmigna in college when he stayed at the dorm. He told me how horrible it was and that they served it practically every week or so. Those were the days where there wasn't any choice. You had to eat what was there. He always told his middle son that if he was ever at a nice restaurant, he would try it again to see what it was supposed to taste like. So it was time to try it once again.We ordered a bottle of our favorite wine and sat back to enjoy a leisurely meal. John loved his split pea soup while I enjoyed a lettuce wedge. Soon, our ...
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Teaching-Learning
2007-10-04 17:55:00
One of my top goals in life is personal growth. I am the epitomy of a life long learner. I want to be taking classes all of my life. Growth in knowledge, skills, emotional health, relationships and critical thinking are all very important to me. I have come a long way since I identified this goal in my 20's.Currently I am teaching a class here at work. It is a credit class and involves helping students adjust to college life. Talk about growing! It is challenging. I never understood how much prep work is required before each class. I have a new appreciation for what it takes to be an instructor. I have no book but a topic to teach each week and I have to find my own material. That makes it harder and more time-consuming. Yet, the energy and vitality of the students is fun. I love talking to them. They are required to meet with me once during the class and more than half of them blew it off.I guess I am going to have to tell them that assignments are suggestions!Next semester, I am ...
More About: Teaching , Learning , Earning