The Native Sentimental Maniac

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How to move on
2009-08-03 02:16:00
I just thought that reading my own thoughts would help me get over my depression. Here are some of them and please tell me if they are of help to you or not.1. Get back to work mode and try as much as possible to keep yourself busy.2. Start helping your mom with the household chores on weekends.3. Forget your boyfriend and never fall in love with another guy again.4. Start refocusing your life and determine whether meeting a girl this time around is a possibility.5. Always remember that life is beautiful after all, so never ever attempt at committing suicide again.6. Try to set one goal at a time; achieve something for yourself for motivation.7. Pray and go to church.Just some thoughts running in my head now. There could be more though.
More About: Move

The Resurrection
2009-07-27 10:30:00
Coming back soon. So many things to share and to talk about. Two monhts of indifference shall be several years of recovery.
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Did I tell you I went home for the Lent Celebration?
2008-04-02 16:03:00
Here are some of the photos I took. It's really a cheap camera and I am newbie. At 29, I finally got to buy my first digital camera ever. Ha, ha, ha.
More About: Home , Celebration , Lent

That scared the shit out of me
2008-03-05 08:38:00
Seeing the round worm, more than 6 inches long, made me shiver. "How could have I been infested with such a parasite?" I thought to myself. I was almost trembling looking at it in the bowl. I wanted to make sure if what I was seeing was indeed a worm or just something I happened to eat. That was the second week of January this year.Next thing, my panic prodded me to get some confirmation from the internet. I could well describe what I had seen-a worm, pinkish in color, around several millimeters in diameter and had a pointed body. I checked the site and it matched the description of a round worm.I was horrified by the sight of it. More so did I when saw the grotesque pictures of them on my computer monitor. My mind was racing with ideas then about when, how, and where could have I gotten them. If it's been a while, then that made me figure why I was through some intermittent abdominal pains which I often mistook as pains caused by my liver disease. After flushing the parasite down ...
More About: Shit , Scared

While I was Gone
2008-02-26 06:57:00
I have been so cold and insensitive, dwelling on insecurities, laziness, uneasiness, and sometimes unexplainable human nature. I have been quiet for a long time and never cared to give you my friends about what has been going on with me. I felt I have been smitten with indifference which have bogged me down for some time. My apologies again. The reason for my absence need not be explained. It is simple but it is portentous. I hope you guys don't get sick and tired of my litanies. I just lost the fire and I needed to rest my thoughts since maintaining this blog and thinking of what to write next had been onerous. I had rather enjoyed months of mental liberation. Now I am back with a staggering zeal which I hope will last me a long time. Just in case you have been wondering, here's a quick rundown, I suppose.Last December 2007, on a chilly and quiet evening, the cool breeze of the mountains and the misty evening greeted AJ and myself as we got off the bus. We were finally in Baguio,...

Oh, that Bulge!
2008-02-21 08:26:00
It's me. I blush, feel distraught, uneasy, and I am just human, oh I am gay. I have always been caught off guard by this man in uniform-a security guard. He is not that gorgeous that gays could easily fall in love with but he has this certain animalistic appeal in him. The way he sets his eyes on you drives your thoughts afar,those piercing looks comparable to the scorching heat of the sun titillates your mental faculty beyond horizons. Those glinting glares could melt you right instant. Have you heard of wild imaginations and sexual fantasies? Oh, well. The confidantes I have in the cafeteria were all giggling and rapturous when I told them about my optical encounters with that security guard. Ate Liza and Donna were threatening to spill the beans about my fantasies of that guy. I was quiet with an air of repulsed excitement within me.What if he learns about my furtive desires? I don't think he is a man of steel who would be too insensitive as to notice. I don't want to commit b...

The Reunion
2007-12-07 11:48:00
Oh, Joanna just had a chat with me today through Yahoo Messenger. She is a distant friend working for care homes in Canada but no matter how many miles apart we are due to inevitable circumstances in life, she is always dear in my heart. I heard she is coming over to spend Christmas with her loved ones. She found a new inspiration in her life there and that made me flash a wide grin in front of the camera earlier. She was happy to see the big smile in me and she reciprocated with a sigh, perhaps relieved knowing I was ready to accept her new found relationship. We haven't really talked much since she flew in to Canada to better her life and her daughter's whom she abandoned years ago under the custody of her mom. I told her how smart her daughter had become the last time I paid a visit back home. Then, she asked about my sister who is just a few years older than her daughter. We talked about life, our struggles, our happiness, and the benign future we expect to be awaiting us. We ...
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I want to go back to school
2007-12-06 18:11:00
"Then, why not? If that is your current disposition, you have the autonomy to do it and nobody should get in the way. That is your right." Forgive me, I am talking to myself. That takes me again to a trip down memory lane. One time, Kuya M told me that one of the clear indications of a person who is likely to become a wacko is someone who unconsciously often engages in soliloquy. Yeah, I talk to myself often especially when I'd rehearse for my opening spiels working as a call center representative somewhere in Quezon City almost two years ago. Like, I'd do that everyday while enjoying the short period of my morning walks on the way to work. I had done the same thing in front of the mirror creating a teacher-student conversation by myself when I was still teaching back in my hometown prior to attending my classes. Sometimes, I just have the uncontrolled tendency to do it over and over again when letting out some smothered grudges, banters, and unspoken rants. But I am not going cra...
More About: School , Back , Back to School

The Duck Hunt
2007-12-05 10:21:00
I remember one time a few hours just before a stormy night. My friends and I conferred in the small living room and started discussing how we could survive the calamity and its aftermath. We went on talking about how to feed our jobless selves also in the next few days. Kuya M's monthly allowance from his mom working in Hongkong never arrived on time and we were damn worried about how to sustain our precarious living, stuff our tummies before a cold night sleep.One of my friends, suggested that we go loot one of my dad?s ducks in the backyard. We heard Kuya M makes the best duck recipe by glazing it with his magical and one in a million combination of tropical condiments. The idea outrightly scared me to hell. Knowing my dad considered his ducks more important than his own children was a thing to reckon with. I remember him count his ducks every afternoon when I was still at home. He'd make sure they were all well-fed and served with the copious earthworms which he had instructed ...
More About: Duck , Hunt

Remorse and Hibernation
2007-12-04 08:31:00
Was there a time you were in hibernation or in a hiatus? Why? How did you deal with it?"Time is as fast as an arrow." It sucks but I have been mulling over the reasons behind being unable to post in a long time. There are a lot of things to say. The clear-cut getting-in-the-way tuition and quotidian job I have shouldn't be mentioned since it is not a good excuse. Maybe, I was just too lazy to post. Or the fire that was for sometime ablaze just died down. I still love to blog and I just can't understand why the spark just had to fade away. Now, I am thinking more deeply. There was a time I admitted that I have an obsessive-compulsive behavior though I never actually had to undergo a psychological test or whatsoever. I may just be too naive to understand what it really means and I was to clueless to believe that I am indeed obsessive-compulsive. Then again, I remember a time when my eye got caught in the discussion at blogcatalog about a blogger who kept changing his blog's templat...
More About: Hibernation , Remorse , Morse

Mine is September. Is yours, too?
2007-11-26 09:13:00
I got tagged by Reyna Elena, Jeangrey and Parisukat with "One Year", I mean "Twelve Months", hihihi.The rules are simple:1.Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.2.Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).3.Pick your month of birth.4.Highlight the traits that apply to you.5.Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.6.Let the person who tagged you know when you?ve done it!I know how hard it is to be working on tags so I hope these twelve picks I am tagging may understand. Just feel free to respond if you are for it or not. Whatever it is, I won't take it against you. To be honest I myself sometimes feel reluctant in doing the tags but I have to get going as there are more sitting in piles for me. I hope guys this won't be much of a burden on you.P.S To our fellow bloggers who have tagged me with other memes, please bear with me, yours will soon be posted here.I was born in September .SEPTEMBE...
More About: Mine

The Friendship Goes On
2007-11-25 19:12:00
Kuya M?s mother was working abroad at that time. The fact that he and his younger brother were given the autonomy to manage their house made it easier for me to penetrate their privacy. The same went with my friends who found refuge in that house at the most lowly times in their lives. Or we were just too young then to be governed by our whimsical impulse.We had a friendship outside of consanguinity but our aspirations and desperations made us more than like blood-related individuals. We were under the tutelage of no less than our close friends whom we had looked up to as our own and vice versa. There were seven of us, two females and five males who kept our selves busy with budgeting, doing the household chores, maintaining our sanity through animated talks of our childhood memories, the good old days, of pop and rock music, of basketball and volleyball, and of our hopeful dreams if ever there were. Kuya M?s place witnessed the release of our quelled and smoldered anguish, desperat...
More About: Friendship

Foraging For Food Before The Duck Hunt
2007-11-24 19:58:00
The days faded and I had not gone home. The weeks flourished so swiftly but not the desperation that had been dwelling on my execrable self. I was such a loser and I let it. There were times I would go to sleep with other friends who had eloped from their homes with the disturbing thoughts of my father. He was still a habitual drunkard then and it scared me to death thinking that anytime he might just storm in Kuya M?s ( a friend and the owner of the house where I found temporary shelter and consolation) house and forcibly drag me to get back home. Nothing of that sort happened though and I took it to signify that my parents must have understood my rebellious behavior.I was deeply hurt and the longer I stayed at Kuya M?s, the more brooding the future got envisioned in me. I wasn?t hopeless but I acted I was. My frailty gave in to the thrills my youth could offer. I started sucking in on cigarettes more than I had used to and got more exposed to the different tastes of inebriants.In ...
More About: Food , Duck , Hunt

Before the Duck Hunt
2007-11-23 11:17:00
For several days, I had to arduously hit the books almost memorizing each page, word per word. I had to shut down the door from the insouciant dealings with my friends. I was sleepless, expectant, and anxious a few days before the Mid-term Exams.My preliminary marks impassioned me to better my studies. It was an enticing headstart of the making of my future. How propitious it was to look forward to a time when my parents could worry no more of their financial responsibility for my education. I wanted to be a part of the Dean's List, eager to devoid my parents of miraculously providing for my tuition fee. I just wanted to help them and help myself.Then the day came when my dad told me something that would ruin all my plans. That he had no money. That he was sorry and all he could do was to push me to talk to the university's treasurer at the registrar's office, to make a promisory note, just take the exams anyway and pay them by the time my dad's ready.But my intense emotions and...
More About: Duck , Hunt

Vitamin BTB -Be The Blog
2007-11-21 10:11:00
There's more I would like to present to our dear fellow bloggers out there because of their notable blogging efforts but my time pulls my eagerness to give them right off the bat. For now let me start doing my share in bestowing this award to the following: You can check out their blogs yourself to realize how much of a vitamin they serve to perk up your reading pleasure. There are equally deserving blogs I'd like to share this with but it's already a redundancy.Be The Blog Awardees Cyberpunk of Cyberpunk's So-Called LifeJehrad of Bust A Change Kimchihead of The KimchiheadLoz of Sunrays and SaturdaysMama Reynz of Reyna ElenaMon of Keyboards MonologueMorinn of Something to Talk AboutNick of Anything GoesShannon of Another Blogista On The SpotShiera of Bisdak BabblesSparky of A Faeries TaleTo the recipients please visit Me and My Drum for the suitable badge of your choice.And to Awannabe ,Parisukat , and Ivy -my heartfelt gratefulness extends to the interior of my ears and the fl...
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Moving Forward
2007-11-20 20:06:00
It was like a dream that thrilled my passion to auspiciously look ahead of my future. But when my dad told me he could no longer maintain my schooling, I had to succumb to despondency. I felt totally dejected. My farewell was dragging me to abandon my ambition. My heart was crying. I knew I did my best, that I could prove myself better than most of my classmates, that my teacher adored the mental capacity I was trying to better. It was after all a fanfaronade, a parade of my wit that would end up in a tragedy of sort, intercepted and underappreciated.That bitter year of 1999 somehow lost my momentum to regain the positive thoughts I had for studying. There were attempts of going back to school, some scholarship grants, a close relative who volunteered her support for my education, drilling my own pocket when ESL teaching paved its way for me-all these proved futile though to still aim for the diploma which everybody thinks is the measure of one?s worth in the society. Why do people...
More About: Moving , Forward

Thanks for the Friendship
2007-11-19 13:07:00
I have always regarded Friendship as one of the best gifts in life. Sometimes though, I feel guilty for taking it for granted. It is sweet to give, receive, and build friendship in this intertwined world of possibilities. I'd like to personally thank Parisukat, Monaco, Jeangrey, and Ambo for tagging me with this Friendship badge. You make me feel special. The following people are also special to me no matter how short the time we have had to know each other. I know this is just the commencement of something worth cherishing in the blogosphere which I hope will take us somewhere only our hearts can express in its gratitude someday. I have found friends in you guys and this I will forever treasure. Awannabe of The Life of AwannabeBill of From the BoondocksChuckie of A Day In The LifeChuva of Male Maximum BeautyCrazed_heck of My Blogville-Life as it isCyberpunk of Cyberpunk's So-Called LifeDeb of Let Me Go On and OnFemikey of Femikey Sketch Blog Fruity of FruitspeciesGlenz of Finally...
More About: Hank

phone chat dating
2007-11-19 07:22:00
I know a few people who found their true love through the Internet. One is happily married and in Sweden, another one already has two children enjoying the sight of her blue-eyed children in New Zealand, and the other one just flew to Germany to heed to the marriage proposal she got from her loyal boyfriend whom she met through chatting online.For those people who are lonely, loveless, and are looking for their ideal partners in life, Friendsation might just be the first step for you. It is a free community website that facilitates live chat thru live Chat thru multiple mediums. Signing up is free so why not try it? It is an online site which provides you an avenue for free dating, free live chat, and free phone chat.
More About: Phone , Dating , Dati

Looking Beyond The Horizon
2007-11-18 20:06:00
My childish impulse made me believe I wanted to be an engineer. In my adolescence though, one simple yet inevitable revelation changed all that-the revelation of my sexuality. This irreversible revelation was harder to chew than some smoked horse meat. I had to swallow it then, accept it as a part of my wholeness."I haven't heard of any gay engineers," I heard myself say in highschool. It was a quick decision. I just realized I had to bury that dream of mine even if there were attempts of evasion, believing I wasn't created as one of those abhorred and despised by many people. I didn't want to give up that dream I have since envisioned but the inflamed passion for writing I just discovered of myself handed the verdict I had to be served in weaving my future. Prohibiting myself to succumb to the notoriety stigmatized by homosexuality. I had to believe in a while that I was made a man and the femininity in me wasn't indelible. But I was mistaken, the more I tried to elude the real...
More About: Horizon

Optimistic
2007-11-17 18:09:00
What was your dream in your yester years? When you were younger, do you remember an instance how you would tell with fervor, your dreams to your parents? Do you recall a moment in a classroom when one of your teachers wanted to know how you envisioned a career for yourself? When you stood up with paramount dignity telling everyone what you wanted to be was the noblest in the world? With how you'd take pride comparatively prattling with your playmates of your precarious ambitions? I remember myself with those kindled dreams in my innocence. Words rolling off my tounge were like the reflection and assurance of a bright future awaiting me, in retrospect. How sweet it was to always tell people, "I wanted to be a Civil Engineer." I held on to that dream passioned by how my dad would always brag about his engineer friend, that an engineer makes a lot of money and plans, and builds the most durable and elegant buildings and houses, bridges and roads. Well, that was how I was told.Later th...

Emergency Cash
2007-11-17 17:55:00
I just can?t seem to have enough. It?s not that I am complaining about how much money I make out of my job but seeing me habitually strapped is inevitable. There is some satisfaction in a son being able to help his parents and siblings religiously but trying hard to make both ends meet sometimes suggests that the son should just live on his own. I know I can do that but a dutiful son to his parents says otherwise. When my boss was still here in the Philippines, there were countless times I had to hesitantly ask him for cash advance and payday loanspayday loans. My all-of-a-sudden-presence at his office in an ancillary mode intuitively meant I needed something. I needed money. My boss was kind and understanding enough during those times. Perhaps, if my memory serves me right, only one instance of being turned down, pushes me not to recall the times. I know he hated the idea of it since borrowing and lending money isn?t so common in his culture. But knowing I support not only myself b...
More About: Cash , Emergency , Emerge

Missing Something
2007-11-16 11:22:00
I finally let loose last night. I had the intention to take a leisurely walk but it turned out the other way. It was tinged with horror. It was past midnight and I felt the urge to back out. The visibility of my fear made it self manifest in my walk. It was a moonless sky but the vicinity was bright perhaps because of the coruscating neon signs and the beaming lights from the high-rise buildings. I kept turning my head, looking high and low but all I could see were a few vehicles speeding up for the trip on their way home. I couldn't see any figure on the road except the thought that I walked past the habitually sleeping guard at the basement before my exit of the building.The walk saw me yearning for something, something I had done in the past which I wish I had ejected entirely off me. Still something in me wanted to burst out at that moment, to break the silenced worldly passion in my entity. To push the limit I have imposed to myself, stifle my restriction. I knew I didn't lik...
More About: Missing , Some , Missi

I ruined his future
2007-11-15 09:30:00
It's been raining the whole day. It was rather cold and AJ and I snuggled in the cab waiting for passengers as we exited the building where the Korean Agency is. That's where my boss wires the money to pay our teachers' services in this company. As the cab motioned, a faint perturbance grew in me seeing how the driver looked. He didn't seem trustworthy. He was a dumpy man in his forty's and his face didn't show any sight of amiability. He looked stern and cold."One of those haughty drivers who skillfully prey on uncomplaining passengers by rerouting and speeding up the tick of the meter." I thought. Had it not been raining, I would have told AJ to take another cab. Once inside, the driver mumbled something in disgust knowing we had to take the jam-packed road en route to the office. He had no choice.Upon our return to the office, AJ helped me sort out the teacher's individual pay by sealing them in small brown envelopes. He had to leave right away to deposit some cash to Chri...
More About: Future

Caught -The conclusion of the previous post
2007-11-14 11:32:00
The man in his twenty's was wearing a pair of blue denim pants and a blue, checked short-sleeved polo shirt. His sight oozed a certain charm in his facade, a virile man at the height of almost 6 feet. He held a Manila envelope and laid it on the table as he took a seat. He turned his head and gave a quick look around. He pulled out a neatly folded hanky as perspiration was pouring down his face.It was extremely hot in the lunchroom as it was getting more crowded. He wiped his sweat, fixed his tousled shirt and surveyed the room just like a first-timer. He saw me glaring at him but he didn't bother. At first, it didn't strike me that this guy was a good object for this animal lust in me. (At least for my eyes and wildest imagination.)I think I had forgotten my craving of the daily gossips and the hunger marching in my stomach earlier was put to a halt. His well-built muscle in the arms and his luscious derriere which I prioritized to peek at when he stood craning his neck to look ...
More About: Post , Caught , The Con

Gotcha!
2007-11-13 17:12:00
The sunray was already filtering through my window when I decided to get up. I sank in bed late last night and I just had another nightmare. But it's not the one that leaves you gasping for breath nor the one that puts you gaping with your restricted howl.Must be a good day for me as I examined myself in the mirror. The bulged wound on my lip has shrunken and I felt heaven. It was terrible the past days, avoiding to eat this 'n that and being restrained by AJ from smoking ,albeit I thought it was a blessing in disguise to remind me of how long I have been a smoker and it's about time I cut the addiction. I have been so dependent on cigarettes and I am just so desperate to make attempts at quitting. I have tried tapering off to no avail. I went cold turkey but it was just a cycle. Now I still suck up on these cancer sticks.After making myself freshly clean and neat, I dashed for my station, turned on my PC and disappeared moments later for a meal upstairs.I saw myself seated at a ...

Dilemma?
2007-11-12 17:32:00
Today, AJ and I left the house a few minutes away from midday. The thoughts of what seemed like a confrontation with Ate Gemma persisted in my head. I kept thinking about how embarrassed I was yesterday. Did it matter if I answered or not? What would have been her reaction if I had lied? If I had told the truth I didn't have a girlfriend, would have that diminished the manliness I have been trying to project for myself after a while? Wasn't my blushing enough to keep her silent and never bother to pester me again anyway? 'Out of the frying pan and into the fire.' This cliche should explain well of how I feel now and what I have always felt while at the pretense of cohabitating with AJ. I love him and he loves me. I want to be free but he is scared and so I am. There was a time he readied himself for the revelation but that was the time I changed my mind. I don't want to ruin the respect he has earned for himself, and attributed to him by his family and mostly his neighbors. The...
More About: Dilemma , Dile

Pretension
2007-11-11 17:45:00
This morning, AJ and I woke up with plastered enthusiasm on our faces. I felt a lot better than yesterday and hoped for a total recovery after a few more rounds of medication. I was optimistic I could make it to work the next day. There was a growing excitement in me as we were enjoying our cupfuls of coffee in the kitchen. We had planned to give our room a new look and finally to have its interior kiss the refreshing sight of a purplish shade of blue coating. AJ had always wanted us to spare some time and money for the painting of his room. We just had been lingering on the plan because we were focused on something else then. I was noisily sipping the hot coffee in my cup while thinking of my family back home. The aromatic elemental experience in my cup reminded me to give my sister a ring later if they ever received the cash I sent last Monday.AJ interrupted my enamor of enjoying a bit of caffeine when he asked, "What do you want for breakfast?" without the attached "Hon" at the e...

Bodily Heat
2007-11-11 02:23:00
"I am having the chill." I told Ji Hyoung, my last student last night. "I'm sorry to hear that,? she said with a well of concern in her high pitched voice. "I'm just glad it's Friday and this is my last class." I told her. "Maybe, you have the fever, she solicitously interrupted.I was so lucky I managed to finish the class while trying to manipulate the bodily quake of an impending illness with a blanket wrapped around my torso. If my memory serves me right, the last time I got a fever was more than a year ago.After the class, I uttered a sigh, looked at the ceiling and maneuvered myself to my room at the office. I kept thinking to myself how sickly I have been in the past months. There should be something wrong with me which my mental extension couldn?t seem to fathom at that moment. AJ was there waiting since I insisted he wait for me that time. Maybe, I am just so attached to the companionship we have every Friday night. He had already packed my laundry and minutes were counti...
More About: Heat

A Glowing Freedom
2007-11-09 12:43:00
"I want to take a shower," I thought to myself yesterday. Normally, that part of my routine is done in the evening but the sultry heat yesterday afternoon was so compelling. My toughened butt left the station and readied myself for the splash. Absolutely, nothing compares a blissful bath in cold water. I stepped in the bathroom half-naked and I realized there was no shampoo. There are times though I can get by on soap for my thick crown but not today. With this kinky and firm keratinous filaments of mine? I managed to put on my clothes back and headed for a nearby store where I could buy a sachet.That was the first time the whole day I ever stepped out of the building. The radiance from our computer monitors in the office must have obscured my sense of sight that when I got out of the building, I felt some active force lay its hands on my physicality. It was unexplainable. The world outside was aglow. I looked at the people around, the jeepneys congesting the street,the several skyc...
More About: Freedom

Yearning for something
2007-11-08 17:42:00
Just got a shower this afternoon and how refreshing it was to get out of the bath soaking away the grime behind and washing off the sweltering heat on your body. I wrapped my body with the indigo towel AJ just took to work with him yesterday. It's soft and clean and it reminded me of how it feels to be floating on water while it joyously laps your wholeness. (I surely miss swimming.) AJ's mom has been doing my laundry for years now and I am just so thankful she takes care of my clothes like I am a son, or a daughter in-law? (LOL)I'd been sitting across from my monitor the whole day visiting other blogs and leaving comments on them. This morning, I was happy to share with Teacher Jenny some printed affirmations in forms of certificates and tailor-made door hangers I got from this website."Wow, where did you get that?" Teacher Jenny asked after I pulled out the printable ones of the HP machine. "I like this one," she said with so much glare in her face that she headed for my statio...
More About: Earning , Some