I Will Not Eat The DarknessI Will Not Eat The DarknessA personal journal where I bang out the dents in my head. Articles
WTF?
2008-03-09 15:58:00 I don't know what the hell is going on with my sidebar. I've been trying to fix it for a couple of hours and now I'm sick of looking at all the code. That's what I get for trying to put Adsense in a place where it's not so garish. I want to make some money off my blog (I'm even thinking about doing the PayPerPost thing again.),but I don't want my blog to look like one big commercial. Tacky. To say the very least.If anyone has any ideas about how I can get my sidebar back to where it's supposed to be I'd love to hear them.Things I've done already: 1. Reduced the size of the picture on the left side.2. Reduced the amount of padding for the main content so that it's moved farther over to the left to make up for the smaller picture.3. Reduced the amount of padding for the header so that it is also moved farther over to the left.4. Edited picture posts so that the pictures in them are smaller to avoid pushing the sidebar down.5. Resized the width of the sidebar.What have I not...
Shooter Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary And A Bomb In Times Square
2008-03-06 23:48:00 Gunman Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary Coincidentally (or not) there was a bomb that exploded in Times Square early this morning.I find these two events too coincidental not to relate them. Also, since the bombing, the peace talks bewtween Israel and Palestine have ceased. I nearly cried when I saw the story. I don't know why, I just have a special place in my heart for Israel and Palestine. They both have done unspeakable things to the other's people. I don't have much hope for seeing peace there in my lifetime, but I still get sad for all the people who have died and all of the violence that has happened there. More About: God , Shooter
Thursday Thirteen
2008-03-06 14:24:00 1. I've been jobless for a week and a half and I'm going crazy with boredom.2. I've sent out dozens of resumes online and have yet to hear back from anyone.3. I'm registered with 3 local employment agencies and have not heard from them either.4. I'm going to have to call my dad today and ask him to help me pay the rent this month and listen to him berate me for not trying hard enough to find a job and blame me for losing the one I had.5. Lainie is still here. That has it's very own set of problems. She said she would be moved out by the end of next week, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think (I know) she's just blowing smoke up my ass.6. I will have exactly no money once the rent is paid.7. My depression/bipolar support group meets tonight. I suppose I'll go. 8. I find myself becoming more and more frustrated with my situation and blaming myself more and more for my depression and lack of job situation. 9. The first thing I thought of upon waking this morning w... More About: Thirteen , Thursday
Scribble Flame (Wordless Wednesday)
2008-03-05 07:00:00 I found some new software (freeware to be precise) with which to make my beloved fractals. I'm excited about it. The software I used to make this is called Apophysis. I put the link in my sidebar as well. It's not as detailed as Ultra Fractal and you can't do as many things with the designs, but they are based on different types of basic fractal forms: the flames. I have never seen these before, so I'm pretty excited about it. Now, if I can find a way to export one of these flames to my Ultra Fractal I'll be ecstatic. Here's the first flame fractal I made: (click to get a larger version of this)I also found out just tonight from a website I found that you can make fractals into music. I'm going to have to try that out.Last week, I finally made it down to Southern Reprographics and talked to Joe, who I used to go to church with and who does the digital art there, about getting my fractals rendered from disk to canvas. He said that would be no problem and that it would only cos... More About: Wednesday , Flame
NO PSYCHOS ALLOWED!!!
2008-02-28 06:13:00 All I ask for from people who are in my life is a little non-psyho-ness. It seems as though I am a magnet for it, however. The guy I mistakenly had sex with a couple of weeks ago is getting all psycho on me. He calls me and tries to tell me things he said that he never did. Like he'll try to convince me we had a full conversation about something when I know for damn sure that we didn't. Tonight he called me and insisted that he asked me out for coffee yesterday and I refused. I haven't talked to him (other than tonight) since Sunday. I don't know what he's trying to do and he's freaking me out a little. (I kind of feel like he's trying to pull a "crazy" on the crazy girl. That's not going to work. Hello.) He's being a manipulative SOB; I know that for sure. I never should have gotten involved with him in any way. What I want to know is this: What is it about me that makes guys turn psycho? Or are they already that way and I'm too blind to see it? This is not the first time...
My Latest Creation. Muahhahaha!
2008-02-25 09:04:00 She is named (for now) 'Arms Of The Cold Sun'. I just finished her a few minutes ago.(Click for a larger, more detailed view.) More About: Creation
Random Secret Sunday
2008-02-25 06:22:00 Friday I quit my job because I was tired of putting up with their damn drama AND THEY BOUNCED MY PAYCHECK AND REFUSED TO ADMIT IT. So, it looks like I'll be in court pretty soon if they don't give me back my money plus the fees the bank charged. I was so mad Friday that I felt like I was going to literally pass out. Saturday I pulled a half-inch long glass splinter out of the side of my middle finger. I think there's still some glass in there, but it's too deep for me to get out.Lainie is still here even after I've asked her to leave. Twice. I keep wondering what it will take to make her leave. I don't want to get all psycho on her. That would be badbadbad.I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. But someone whom I love loves me and that makes me supremely happy. Happy enough to nearly blot out all of the other bullshit that is going on in my life. I know it will all be there tomorrow, but for right now I'm happy and I'm not going to take it (or him) for granted. Random ? Yes... More About: Sunday , Post Secret , Secret
TGIF (No, Really)
2008-02-22 17:22:00 "I'm not crazy,M'Lynn. I've just been in a very bad mood for forty years!"~~Shirley Maclaine~Steel Magnolias
Fractal My Heart
2008-02-22 07:36:00 Not one of my latest works, but one of my best. (Clicky clicky and it will get you a bigger version of this.) More About: Heart , Fractal
Not Crazy Enough
2008-02-21 20:46:00 So...I had somewhat of an emergency-type situation yesterday. Voices in my head...strong urge to self-harm...suicidal thoughts...overwhelming depression. I tried to take Kate's advice and have myself committed for a few days, but no one will take me because I have no insurance and because it wasn't determined that I was a significant enough threat to myself or others for the guys in the white jackets to come haul me away. As of today, I've missed two days of work because of this. If I miss one more day I lose my job. My supervisor gave me a choice: I can either come back and not miss any more days until I'm eligible for sick time (which will not be for another couple of months) or she can let me go and label me as eligible for rehire. When I told her what was going on she got scared of me and now doesn't even want me to come back there. She's afraid that I'll sneak off somewhere and slice myself up or down some pills or something. I should never have told her anything. I'm f... More About: Crazy
Tuesday Night Tunes
2008-02-20 07:19:00 My favorite band: Blue October(HRSA stands for High Risk Self Abuse)My favorite girl: Tori AmosBlue October again, but this time set to a clip art slide show. Not mine. More About: Tunes , Night , Tuesday
Frozen
2008-02-17 20:05:00 I had sex the day before yesterday with someone I've known for almost two weeks and I absolutely positively hated it. He keeps trying to push himself into my life. What makes me angry with myself is that I made a promise to myself several years ago that I would never have sex again when I didn't want to. I could have stopped. I could have just gotten up and left, but I didn't. I just closed my eyes and pretended I was somewhere else. That's what I used to do when my grandfather would fuck me and it's also what I did during the times I was raped. I'm so awesomely good at dissociating. I was super uncomfortable afterwards and I wanted to bolt so badly, but every time I tried to leave he would try to pull me back into some kind of conversation by saying, "Wait, I have something to tell you, " or something similar to that. I was so tired and not too long after the first time I tried to leave I started crying, but he either didn't mind or didn't care. I tried to hold back the tea... More About: Frozen
In Honor Of Valentine's Day...
2008-02-13 16:16:00 I was going to do Wordless Wednesday, but I don't feel like being "wordless" today.(This one is my favorite.) More About: Honor
Anger Management
2008-02-11 16:19:00 I've figured out why I have to keep myself busy all the time: i.e. house cleaning, walking, grocery shopping, working all the time. It's because if I don't I have time to sit around and really think about and realize just how unhappy and angry I am. I don't like feeling unhappy and angry so I keep myself just busy enough to be to tired and literally too busy to think about it. I don't know if I'm running from my anger or if I'm just that scared to be angry. I woke up frustrated as all hell this morning. Some of it was from the anger from last night. I don't know what the rest of it was. Maybe because it's Monday and I have to go back to work and talk to people who don't like me about why their cable isn't working. I'm not sure. I know that I really don't want to go in today, but what I want doesn't really matter, does it? I happened to notice after I got up and started cleaning around my apartment (it's never ending around here what with my kitty posse) that my anger ... More About: Management , Anger Management , Anger
A Few Things...
2008-02-11 07:36:00 I AM SICK OF CATS THAT AREN'T MINE. I'M SICK OF CATS IN HEAT WHO KEEP ME UP ALL FUCKING NIGHT SO THAT I HAVE TO GO TO WORK ON ONLY A FEW HOURS SLEEP. I'M SICK OF FRIENDS WHO OUTSTAY THEIR WELCOME AND TALK DURING MOVIES JUST TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THEMSELVES. I'M SICK OF SELF-ABSORBED PEOPLE. I'M SICK OF PEOPLE WHO STAY WITH ME AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY MONEY TO HELP OUT. I'M SICK OF PEOPLE BLEEDING THEIR PERSONAL BULLSHIT ALL OVER ME AND THEN GOING OUT TO BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AGAIN ONLY TO THINK THEY CAN COME BACK AND BLEED ON ME AGAIN. I'M SICK OF SHARING MY PERSONAL SPACE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I'M SICK OF BEING NICE WHEN I WANT TO BE A BITCH. I'M SICK OF HOLDING EVERYTHING IN BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE NICE AND SUPPORTIVE AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT. I'M SICK OF LOVING PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOVE ME. I'M SICK OF BEING LIED TO. I'M SICK OF THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE EVERY FUCKING DAY. I'M SICK OF WANTING TO CUT ON MYSELF ALL THE GOD-DAMN TIME. I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT THIS FUCKING MESSY HOUSE... More About: Things
Secret Sunday
2008-02-10 18:44:00 I haven't done this in awhile, even though it's one of my faves. Post Secret It just so happens that I went out the other night with a friend of mine and asked her offhandedly,"Do you think I should wear my fake pony tail?" She looked at me quite seriously and said, "Yeah, I think it takes at least five years off of your face." I bought that pony tail, you know, just for kicks because I like to dress up sometimes. I like the way it makes me look. I also know that my friend didn't mean anything by saying what she did. She complimented me in a round-a-bout way. On the one hand, I appreciate that, but on the other hand...when I got home later that night and took the synthetic, straightned pony tail off I felt like I had just taken my beauty off. I felt like my hair, which is short and super super curly, was not beautiful and that I was not beautiful. Every where I look all I see are women who have straight, shiny hair. Mine is curly, coarse and has a tendency to be dull looking becau... More About: Sunday
Please Excuse The Mess!!
2008-02-07 09:27:00 I've decided to revamp my blog and I'm having some trouble with the html for the background image to be the way I want it so I'm leaving it this way for now. I know it's uber-simple, but it's better than the way it would have looked if I had left the background image the way it was before. I shudder to think. So, ladies and gentlemen: YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.EDIT 2/08/08: I've been working on this for several hours and have finally gotten it, in the main, looking like I want. Although, the header is still a bit off center. I'm going to leave that for another day, though. For now, I hope no one's spacial centeredness is too offended. P.S. I AM SO TOTALLY MADE OF AWESOME! More About: Excuse , Mess
I Always Thought Not Being Average Was Something To Be Proud Of
2008-02-07 07:45:00 I've run into a couple of different walls in my apartment today. As weird as it sounds, I do it nearly every day and not with like....my elbow or some other part of my body that one would normally associate with bumping into walls and it's not like I'm super clumsy either. I run into walls with my breasts. You know that saying, "You know you're 'insert body part here' is (are) too big when...I've been thinking about that ever since I got home and had to hold one or the other of my breasts while cursing in pain. At first I was cursing them as well. I really don't like breasts and I'm not trying to titilate here or be pornographic. I just don't like them. Mine, I mean. Then, I thought about the fact that my body takes up more than the average amount of space and then realized that I don't hate just my breasts. I hate the fact that my entire body takes up so much space. Also, does taking up space equal taking power? Am I afraid to be smaller because smaller means weaker? You... More About: Thought , Proud , Average
Furious and Frustrated Monday
2008-02-04 16:03:00 I woke up thinking (wishing) that time could be turned back so that I could be in my twenties again. I've missed out on so much. I wanted to have a baby. Now, it's too late for me. Plus, I'm not married. I don't even have a boyfriend or a prospect of one so even if I did want only a sperm donor that is out of the question. I've been so stupid with my life. I've made so many mistakes and let so many people walk all over me and that makes me angry with myself. Furious , actually. I also remember thinking, like so many others have I'm sure when they start feeling their own mortality, that I only have this one life to live. After this there is nothing more. This thought should spur me on to make some radical changes in my life, shouldn't it? As of right now, though, I'm still just furious and frustrated. While I was showering this morning, I remembered something that my mother said to me when I told her a few months ago about a short-term sexual encounter I had with a man I've ... More About: Frustrated , Monday
Rob Bresny's Taurus
2008-01-29 19:13:00 Free Will Astrology "In the human heart new passions are forever being born," said French writer Francois de La Rochefoucauld. "The overthrow of one almost always means the rise of another." I suppose that's true. We all have longings that come and go as we evolve. But I'd also like to propose an equally valid and contradictory truth: In every human heart there are a few passions that last a lifetime. They're with us from the moment we're born, and nothing can dilute their intensity. Our destiny revolves around them. These are the passions I hope you will define with precision and nurture with alacrity during the next eight weeks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~I hardly even know or remember what my enduring passions are. One used to be singing. I've been told I have a great voice. One used to be God. The Overarching One. I think I've lost my "fire" so to speak. (I hate that term "on fire for God". I'm not sure what it is about that particular phrase, but it gr... More About: Taurus
The More I Fight, The More Stuck I Am
2008-01-10 13:05:00 It's been over a year since I've used this blog. It's stupid, but I sort of (more than sort of) totally forgot my login info. I just worked it out yesterday. I used to have a Live Journal, but I've shut that down as of about a week or so ago because they have these lame adverts now if you have a free account. So, I'm really frustrated right now. I just got a new job (today is the 3rd day) and I find myself thinking the same thing I've thought about every other job I've had: that it is totally bullshit and that I'll wind up hating it, quitting and then being depressed and unemployed again. As a matter of fact, I cried myself into quite a magnificent headache last night thinking about this among other things. I am in a very depressed state. I yell at my cats and I know that they don't deserve it. I have no one else to talk to/yell at. That's not a valid excuse, I know. I slam doors and am just generally pissy all the time. I'm impatient with people when I talk to them. I do... More About: Fight
Lewis Imagines Hell
2007-08-12 06:16:00 "For humor involves a sense of proportion and a power of seeing yourself from the outside. Whatever else we attribute to beings who sinned through pride, we must not attribute this. Satan, said Chesterton, fell through force of gravity. We must picture Hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and advancement, where everyone has a grievance, and where everyone lives the deadly serious passions of envy, self-importance and resentment.""Bad angels, like bad men, are entirely practical. They have two motives. The first is fear of punishment; for as totalitarian countries have their camps for toruture, so my Hell contains deeper Hells, it's ' "houses of correction" '. Their second motive is a kind of hunger. I feign that devils can eat one another; and us. Even in human life we have seen the passion to dominate, almost to digest, one's fellow; to make his whole intellectual and emotional life merely an extension of one's own-to hate one's hatred... More About: God , Lewis , Imagine
God Respects Me When I Work, But He Loves Me When I Sing
2007-08-12 05:37:00 I have a framed picture of that sentence that was given to me by someone I truly, truly love and she knows how much I love to sing. She showed me how my singing can be cathartic and also a gift to God .Right now, I am trying to get this sadness out of my heart. More About: Work , Sing
On Coming Up For Air
2007-08-09 18:53:00 I thought I would post something today about what I'm reading in my little daily devotional book Beyond The Looking Glass: Daily Devotions for Overcoming Anorexia and Bulimia.Phillipians 4: 11-13 I've learned to be content in whatever situation I'm in.Phi 4:12 I know how to live in poverty or prosperity. No matter what the situation, I've learned the secret of how to live when I'm full or when I'm hungry, when I have too much or when I have too little.Phi 4:13 I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.It seems like I can never be content in whatever situation I find myself. I go in and out of disordered eating still even after trying to recover from it for 17 years. I stopped drinking; I stopped using, but I can't really give myself credit for those things because if I do, I'm afraid that I'll get complacent and fall back into that hole. I can't give myself credit for the little things I accomplish either for the same reason. The funny thing is: I am complace... More About: Ming
Victim
2007-07-30 17:27:00 I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in about 15 years. In the process of giving each other phone numbers and whatnot, I gave her this web address so that, if she wanted to, she could keep up with my goings on. Not that there's really much to keep up with, but you know...Anyway, one of the times we were talking after that first time, she said she'd pulled up my blog and pointed out to me this post saying that from reading it she couldn't believe that I'd become one of "those women". Meaning a woman who incessantly complains about her problems and puts herself in the place of the victim time after time even though she should have learned her lessons long ago. I just have this to say in my defense: I know that many of my posts on here are long and depressing and if a person doesn't know me (which is the case for nearly everyone who comes across this blog), they would probably think exactly what my friend did. I can say that I've changed a lot ove... More About: Victim
Gag Order
2007-07-14 18:55:00 Nebraska judge bans the word rape from his courtroom.By Dahlia LithwickPosted Wednesday, June 20, 2007, at 7:27 PM ETUsually we leave it up to the linguists and philosophers to muse on the crazy relationship between words and their meanings. In the law, words?the important ones, at least?are defined narrowly, and judges, lawyers, and jurors are trusted to understand their meanings. It's precisely because language is so powerful in a courtroom that we treat it so reverently.Yet a Nebraska district judge, Jeffre Cheuvront, suddenly finds himself in a war of words with attorneys on both sides of a sexual assault trial. More worrisome, he appears to be at war with language itself, and his paradoxical answer is to ban it: Last fall, Cheuvront granted a motion by defense attorneys barring the use of the words rape, sexual assault, victim, assailant, and sexual assault kit from the trial of Pamir Safi?accused of raping Tory Bowen in October 2004.Safi's first trial resulted in a hung jury... More About: Order
Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding
2007-07-14 17:16:00 This made me laugh so hard that I snorted! More About: Bleed , Norman , Well
Long Day~Long Life
2007-07-10 15:43:00 I swear to God yesterday was the longest, shittiest day of my life. Of course, I may be overexaggerating, but it was freakin' long. I've been so anxious for the last week or so and I really can't figure out why. I don't want to go to work at all. Just the thought of it makes my heart speed up like I'm going to start panicking and what's really odd is that my job isn't really hard. It's just that I work 6 days a week and I think that's what's getting to me. I'm always having to find ways to get more hours so that my paychecks will be decent and when I do get enough hours, I'm dog ass tired. Too tired to do anything else like clean house, play with my cats... It feels like all I do is work and sleep.Yesterday was the culmination of my not having some of my meds for about a month or so, not to mention my body picking this particular day to throw me some period cramps that felt like a knife twisting in my belly. The night before, I didn't sleep hardly at all, so by the time... More About: Life , Long
Let's Just Say...
More articles from this author:2007-06-27 14:02:00 Supposing I've had this friend for a long time. Since 1990. Supposing we've tried to date several times, but it didn't work out for one reason or another. Supposing we've slept together only three times over the 17 years that we've known each other and supposing that after the first two times he totally disappeared off the face of the earth and I was unbelievably hurt. Considering the first time we were together was only a few months after the last time I was raped and the second time was the night before New Year's Eve 2000; he said he'd be there with me for New Year's Eve, but like I said before....disappearage.So, supposing that he invited me out to lunch a couple of weeks ago and supposing that the new girl I'm trying to be, I was and being that exuberant and spontaneous person, convinced him to take the afternoon off of work so we could go to his place and have a few rounds of marathon sex. Supposing that afterwards the mood of the room changed drastically from playful... 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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