I Will Not Eat The DarknessI Will Not Eat The DarknessA personal journal where I bang out the dents in my head. Articles
Tuesday Afternoon Tunes-Videos de Fado
2008-05-20 22:40:00 Mariza~O Gente de Minha TerraAna Moura~ Fado de Pessoa More About: Videos , Tunes , Afternoon , Tuesday
Happy Birthday To Me
2008-05-19 18:48:00 So, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 38 now. Funny how I don't feel any older. I just am. I've also begun lately to have these dreams again where I'm floating through people's houses I don't know. I know I'm not supposed to be there and the whole thing is exciting and terrible at the same time. I can remember having these same dreams as a child and wondered if I had slept-walked during the night and broken into other people's houses. Now, I think it's me taking a tour, so to speak, of the other parts of my personality (or personalities). When I was in therapy, all of my therapists discounted dreams as nothing more than the inane ramblings of the subconscious mind. I don't think so. I think some dreams can help you see into yourself and figure some things out. You just have to know which dreams to count as meaningful and which are not. I've finally come out of my latest funk. The voices have calmed down quite a bit to where I can tell them to fuck off and they do. The bigges... More About: Happy , Birthday , Happy Birthday
The Greatest Silence
2008-05-08 04:36:00 The Greatest Silence :Rape In The CongoIf you haven't seen it. See it. I blogged about this several years ago, but no one was really paying attention then. No one really cares about violence unless it affects them directly.
Shite Shite And More Shite
2008-05-03 22:13:00 I got this from Pippa. She's funny like that and I really needed to snort and cackle like the booger picking 5th grader I really am. Shit Be Gone - The World's Coolest Toilet PaperShit Be Gone cleans up your unpleasantries like a champion among toilet paper. How funny would it be to have this sitting in your bathroom during a party, or when your Aunt Vivi stops by? Come on. This is awesome. This is pure fifth-grade-humor hilarity.Shit Be Gone toilet paper is pillow soft and 100% recycled. Also, it's 2-ply, so it's tough enough to handle your messiest jobs without tearing or falling apart. This isn't a cheap gag toilet paper. This is the real thing. Actual quality. You could use this stuff every day.Stock up on Shit Be Gone for your office supply cabinet! Watch your co-workers come rolling of of the bathroom, laughing so hard they can't even use it.Here at Isdera Corp. we have Shit Be Gone in the executive bathrooms. Actually, this would be true if we had executive bathrooms, w...
I Looked Up "Painless Suicide"
2008-05-03 03:14:00 I'm in a funk that I can't seem to shake. I don't want to leave my apartment, eat much, clean or anything else. I just sit here on the internet, watching tv or sleeping. It depresses me even more when I can get some perspective and move outside myself to see myself from outside (if that makes any sense). I try so hard to support myself and to be independent, but when I get going it seems like I have these low points. It's hard to get motivated. I mean, I bought a sofa cover, chair cover and some decorative pillows for the living room the other day and that was good. It makes the living room look better. They already have to be washed, though, because of the cats sitting on them and shedding. It's things like that that make me feel so overwhelmed. I feel like no matter what I do it's not enough; it's not good enough. I laid in bed this morning thinking about work and how good I felt the last time I went (the temporary job I have at FTD has been cutting hours because they've h... More About: Suicide
Hello Kitty Loves Me
2008-04-27 07:53:00 I've been in generally a good mood for the last week or so, except that sometimes I find myself losing my temper and wondering to myself when I became such a raging bitch. Everything irritates me lately and I seem to have no patience for anyone or anything. At the same time, though, when I'm quiet or trying to go to sleep (which is hard enough), I am overcome by negative emotions, negative self-talk, sadness, despair and a strong wish to die. It's almost like if I stop moving, my mind or my body, then that is just there waiting for me. I read on Beautiful Dreamer's Journal that she has this overwhelming wish to die sometimes too. She said that it is when she is grieving the loss of her original self before the abuse happened; before her original self died and the rest of her split into so many pieces like a shattered mirror. I never realized that a person could grieve for the loss of a part of themselves. I mean, it makes total sense now that I think about it. I'm surprised I n... More About: Hello Kitty , Kitty
Wordless Wednesday
2008-04-23 18:41:00 This is a portrait done by Artemisia Gentileschi of her own hand holding her artist's paintbrush. I think it's wonderful because of the detail and because hands are so hard to draw/paint. More About: Wednesday
Tuesday Afternoon Tunes
2008-04-22 18:42:00 I figured I'd post these before I have to go to work.Screamin' Cheetah Wheelies~Shake These BluesThey were (and are) one of my very favorite bands and their frontman was phenomenal. They used to play a lot at Juanita's when I worked there (back in 1996) and so I got to hang out with them a bit. They're fun. Breedlove~Reach OutAnother Austin band that isn't together anymore and that used to play at Juanita's all the time. Freakin' love this band! The singer is amazing!Living Sacrifice~FlatlineFinally, Living Sacrifice is from my hometown, Little Rock. I know them a little. Bruce, who is the singer, picked me up from a dentist appointment once after I'd had my wisdom teeth pulled. I think I drooled all over his truck seat! My favorite line in this song is "I refuse to be consumed by this parasite."Hope y'all enjoy these. I love these bands! More About: Tunes , Afternoon , Tuesday
Secret Sunday
2008-04-20 21:23:00 Big shocker there, right? More About: Sunday , Post Secret , Secret
Poetry Thursday on Friday
2008-04-18 21:49:00 SisterYou crawled inside this empty chest ten years ago. You carved a hole within like a grown-up fetus.Vascillation sorrow uncertainty. I try to speak. In that forced-closed-throat way it?s as if my every word to you were lies. As if I didn?t know you.Maybe I don?t. Really.I?m not crazy, sister. You said paranoid. Imaginations tricking me. Sometimes I can?t see Truly those words of yours for what they really are. Here is the truth: I am not miscontruing you.When you were here in my heart, in my love, curled in my belly, I couldn?t wait for you to speak. Nearly unbearable that waiting That looking up for your other muddy shoe to drop. (Say what you mean. Just speak.)I hate your silence. Your punishment for my letting you set up shop in my head. I loved you as a sister should.I used to always reach for you. As if by merely touching you, like a bleeding woman finally feeling the hem of Jesus? robe under her fingers, I would be healed. Knowing you were really there calming pesky fears ... More About: Poetry , Friday , Thursday
Secret Sally And What Is Friend-Duty
2008-04-14 02:24:00 I used to have 3 best friends. Now, I have 2. I met Sally in '96 when I got a job cocktail waitressing at Juanita's. When I first met her all I could do was watch her because she was just so much larger than life: my life or any other life I'd seen. She was a beautiful, rock-n-roll, bubbly, friendly, laughing girl. I knew almost immediately that I wanted to be friends with her. (She told me years later that when she first met me she thought I was weird because all I did pretty much was watch her, which is true. I just couldn't believe she was so much...herself. Truthfully, I not only wanted to be her friend, I also wanted to be her.) We worked together at Juanita's for about a year and became really good friends.Then, she left Juanita's to go work at another club, met a guy she really fell for and disappeared from our friendship like most girls do when they meet a guy and get serious. They dated for 5 years. We didn't really see each other very much during that time. I felt a... More About: Friend , Secret , Duty
Brother Man
2008-04-06 23:04:00 The other night my friend/ex-boyfriend, Ryk, came over to hang out with me. I mentioned offhandedly that I've begun calling my cat (whose name is Brother ) Brother Man. He said, "Watch out, he'll start trying to sell you drugs." I really expect him to start growing his afro out any day now.
Thursay Thirteen
2008-03-27 17:46:00 1. Ben and Jerry's, I've only recently discovered, makes this super addictive ice cream flavor (I guess they're all addictive!) called Oatmeal Cookie Chunk that is now my favorite. I had some the other night and I've been craving it ever since. It looks like that 5 pounds I lost is in danger of coming back with a vengeance. 2. I've started making wishlists at various websites, mostly for Hello Kitty stuff so far (because I'm a freak like that), so that I can remember and keep track of all the stuff I need and just want. I'm not materialistic by any means. Really I'm not. I guess what really happened yesterday, which was the day of the wishlist-making, I was really bored and this helped me pass the time. And...ahem...if anyone wanted to buy me any of that stuff...my birthday is coming up next month. Not that I'm asking or anything. *smile*3. Here at my apartment I have to park my car on the street. There is not much space between the building in which I live and the street. ... More About: Thirteen
Sad Boobs And Big-Girl Panties
2008-03-14 16:03:00 Why is it that nearly every women's clothing retailer doesn't cater at all to so-called "plus-size" women? Why is it that nearly all "plus-size" clothing is so ugly and unflattering that vomit on plaid would look better?Yeah. I went shopping yesterday. I felt like I needed a few things to add to my wardrobe for future interviews and hopefully a future job. I also thought I needed some retail therapy. I thought wrong. I went first to Target. Mistake. Nothing fit and if it did fit it was so unbelievably horrid...I don't have the words. Plus, there was some construction (I'm assuming that's what it was.) going on in the back of the store. Every few minutes there would be this super loud noise like a drill (I felt like it was drilling into my skull.) and a bunch of yee-haw sounding guys yelling at each other about what they were "fixin'" to do. Did that up my anxiety level? Yeppers. Did that make it easier to get out my uber-fine-toothed comb to plow through all of the hideousness... More About: Girl , Big Girl
Sometimes I Can See So Clearly
2008-03-11 18:25:00 And other times it's a crapshoot.I had an astounding moment of clarity the other night right before I fell asleep. This is usually the time my mind is the clearest, although lately it hasn't been because of all the stress in my life. Anyway, I was able to make a mental list of things I'm thankful for despite the fact that my life sucks right now. Here are some of them:I am thankful for my depression because it makes me relish even more the times when I'm not depressed.I'm thankful for my anxiety because it makes me realize what life can be like without it.I'm thankful for Lainie being here for three agonizing months, because when she finally leaves, I'll be more grateful for my time alone. I've also learned a little bit about emotional blackmail from her and I'm learning how to stand up for myself in the face of it.I'm thankful for my parents and how awful they treated me because now I now what not to do with my kids if I ever have any.I'm thankful for the times I cry bec...
I Hate Food.
2008-03-11 16:39:00 I decided yesterday to start trying to get information on recovering from my eating disorders. I'm working on recovering from my depression and personality disorders, so why not the eating disorders, too? I'm just in the reading phase right now. I haven't decided what exactly to do yet. But this is a good step. I bought a book called Runaway Eating by Cynthia M. Bulik, Ph.D. and Nadine Taylor M.S., R.D.There was a checklist of things to look at in the book to help people see their disordered eating. Here's what I checked:Your weight has dropped to an abnormally low point or risen to an anormally high point.You divide foods or behaviors into clear-cut "good" or "bad" categories.You eat a lot of noncalorie foods such as diet soft drinks, coffee, mustard, gum, or spices to satisfy your appetite.You often use food to reward yourself.Eating makes you feel guilty.Yur weight seems to go up and down, with dramatic fluctuations of 10 pounds or more. You always seem to be on a diet.You wo... More About: Food , Hate
WTF?
2008-03-09 15:58:00 I don't know what the hell is going on with my sidebar. I've been trying to fix it for a couple of hours and now I'm sick of looking at all the code. That's what I get for trying to put Adsense in a place where it's not so garish. I want to make some money off my blog (I'm even thinking about doing the PayPerPost thing again.),but I don't want my blog to look like one big commercial. Tacky. To say the very least.If anyone has any ideas about how I can get my sidebar back to where it's supposed to be I'd love to hear them.Things I've done already: 1. Reduced the size of the picture on the left side.2. Reduced the amount of padding for the main content so that it's moved farther over to the left to make up for the smaller picture.3. Reduced the amount of padding for the header so that it is also moved farther over to the left.4. Edited picture posts so that the pictures in them are smaller to avoid pushing the sidebar down.5. Resized the width of the sidebar.What have I not...
Shooter Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary And A Bomb In Times Square
2008-03-06 23:48:00 Gunman Kills 7 At Israeli Seminary Coincidentally (or not) there was a bomb that exploded in Times Square early this morning.I find these two events too coincidental not to relate them. Also, since the bombing, the peace talks bewtween Israel and Palestine have ceased. I nearly cried when I saw the story. I don't know why, I just have a special place in my heart for Israel and Palestine. They both have done unspeakable things to the other's people. I don't have much hope for seeing peace there in my lifetime, but I still get sad for all the people who have died and all of the violence that has happened there. More About: God , Shooter
Thursday Thirteen
2008-03-06 14:24:00 1. I've been jobless for a week and a half and I'm going crazy with boredom.2. I've sent out dozens of resumes online and have yet to hear back from anyone.3. I'm registered with 3 local employment agencies and have not heard from them either.4. I'm going to have to call my dad today and ask him to help me pay the rent this month and listen to him berate me for not trying hard enough to find a job and blame me for losing the one I had.5. Lainie is still here. That has it's very own set of problems. She said she would be moved out by the end of next week, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think (I know) she's just blowing smoke up my ass.6. I will have exactly no money once the rent is paid.7. My depression/bipolar support group meets tonight. I suppose I'll go. 8. I find myself becoming more and more frustrated with my situation and blaming myself more and more for my depression and lack of job situation. 9. The first thing I thought of upon waking this morning w... More About: Thirteen , Thursday
Scribble Flame (Wordless Wednesday)
2008-03-05 07:00:00 I found some new software (freeware to be precise) with which to make my beloved fractals. I'm excited about it. The software I used to make this is called Apophysis. I put the link in my sidebar as well. It's not as detailed as Ultra Fractal and you can't do as many things with the designs, but they are based on different types of basic fractal forms: the flames. I have never seen these before, so I'm pretty excited about it. Now, if I can find a way to export one of these flames to my Ultra Fractal I'll be ecstatic. Here's the first flame fractal I made: (click to get a larger version of this)I also found out just tonight from a website I found that you can make fractals into music. I'm going to have to try that out.Last week, I finally made it down to Southern Reprographics and talked to Joe, who I used to go to church with and who does the digital art there, about getting my fractals rendered from disk to canvas. He said that would be no problem and that it would only cos... More About: Wednesday , Flame
NO PSYCHOS ALLOWED!!!
2008-02-28 06:13:00 All I ask for from people who are in my life is a little non-psyho-ness. It seems as though I am a magnet for it, however. The guy I mistakenly had sex with a couple of weeks ago is getting all psycho on me. He calls me and tries to tell me things he said that he never did. Like he'll try to convince me we had a full conversation about something when I know for damn sure that we didn't. Tonight he called me and insisted that he asked me out for coffee yesterday and I refused. I haven't talked to him (other than tonight) since Sunday. I don't know what he's trying to do and he's freaking me out a little. (I kind of feel like he's trying to pull a "crazy" on the crazy girl. That's not going to work. Hello.) He's being a manipulative SOB; I know that for sure. I never should have gotten involved with him in any way. What I want to know is this: What is it about me that makes guys turn psycho? Or are they already that way and I'm too blind to see it? This is not the first time...
My Latest Creation. Muahhahaha!
2008-02-25 09:04:00 She is named (for now) 'Arms Of The Cold Sun'. I just finished her a few minutes ago.(Click for a larger, more detailed view.) More About: Creation
Random Secret Sunday
2008-02-25 06:22:00 Friday I quit my job because I was tired of putting up with their damn drama AND THEY BOUNCED MY PAYCHECK AND REFUSED TO ADMIT IT. So, it looks like I'll be in court pretty soon if they don't give me back my money plus the fees the bank charged. I was so mad Friday that I felt like I was going to literally pass out. Saturday I pulled a half-inch long glass splinter out of the side of my middle finger. I think there's still some glass in there, but it's too deep for me to get out.Lainie is still here even after I've asked her to leave. Twice. I keep wondering what it will take to make her leave. I don't want to get all psycho on her. That would be badbadbad.I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. But someone whom I love loves me and that makes me supremely happy. Happy enough to nearly blot out all of the other bullshit that is going on in my life. I know it will all be there tomorrow, but for right now I'm happy and I'm not going to take it (or him) for granted. Random ? Yes... More About: Sunday , Post Secret , Secret
TGIF (No, Really)
2008-02-22 17:22:00 "I'm not crazy,M'Lynn. I've just been in a very bad mood for forty years!"~~Shirley Maclaine~Steel Magnolias
Fractal My Heart
2008-02-22 07:36:00 Not one of my latest works, but one of my best. (Clicky clicky and it will get you a bigger version of this.) More About: Heart , Fractal
Not Crazy Enough
2008-02-21 20:46:00 So...I had somewhat of an emergency-type situation yesterday. Voices in my head...strong urge to self-harm...suicidal thoughts...overwhelming depression. I tried to take Kate's advice and have myself committed for a few days, but no one will take me because I have no insurance and because it wasn't determined that I was a significant enough threat to myself or others for the guys in the white jackets to come haul me away. As of today, I've missed two days of work because of this. If I miss one more day I lose my job. My supervisor gave me a choice: I can either come back and not miss any more days until I'm eligible for sick time (which will not be for another couple of months) or she can let me go and label me as eligible for rehire. When I told her what was going on she got scared of me and now doesn't even want me to come back there. She's afraid that I'll sneak off somewhere and slice myself up or down some pills or something. I should never have told her anything. I'm f... More About: Crazy
Tuesday Night Tunes
More articles from this author:2008-02-20 07:19:00 My favorite band: Blue October(HRSA stands for High Risk Self Abuse)My favorite girl: Tori AmosBlue October again, but this time set to a clip art slide show. Not mine. More About: Tunes , Night , Tuesday 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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