I Will Not Eat The DarknessI Will Not Eat The DarknessA personal journal where I bang out the dents in my head. 
Articles
Ever Physically Feel Five Years Old?
2008-09-11 22:52:00 I have therapy in an hour or so and I kind of want to go and kind of don't want to go. Last week, was my first time with a new therapist and I had to rehash all of that bad shit that happened to me in my life. I didn't even get to all of it and it took me up until yesterday to finally start feeling good again. I don't want that to happen again this week. So, I'm scared.She asked me to define some goals for therapy so that we could have something to work towards. I can't come up with anything other than: I don't want to keep feeling like shit. I did tell her last week that I wanted to become better at conflict resolution. When I get angry, I respond like a hurt child most of the time instead of an adult. I don't think I'm the only one with that problem. I think it's pretty common. As a matter of fact, I lashed out at someone last week who totally didn't deserve it and was really only trying to be kind to me. That makes me feel bad.I get in these places sometimes where I can... More About: Years , Feel
Luvey Duvey But Please No Smoochie-Poo
2008-08-31 06:14:00 Alicia Keys~ If I Ain't Got You Cyndi Lauper~Fearless Jewel (when she was really cool circa 1997)~Near You Always Iona~I Will Give My Love An Apple
Fears And A Trip With Jesus
2008-08-25 20:25:00 Two things:My Postsecret choice from yesterday:and this cool video I found of a band I love that never really made it big, although they should have. The music is set to scenes from Akira, which is like my favorite anime movie of all time.Trip With Jesus More About: Post Secret , Fears
For Shame On Me
2008-08-19 01:11:00 I haven't been keeping up with the Sunday Post Secret posts lately. I'm disappointed in myself because I love Post Secret. I guess it kind of shows how much I'm not really taking care of myself. More About: Shame
Remnants Of PTSD
2008-07-22 01:25:00 I was reading Male Survivor's blog a minute ago and he had posted about Post Rape Syndrome and Post Traumatic Syndrome. It got me to thinking just what part of those I still have left from the last rape in '96 and the incest my grandfather inflicted on me. I've been feeling remarkably healthy mentally lately and was thinking I might have let go of some of that. Let's see:Here's what he posted: Rape Trauma Syndrome & PTSD from queendom.comPTSD is one of the anxiety disorders. Symptoms of PTSD develop in people who have experienced an event that is outside the range of usual human suffering and that would be extremely stressful for nearly anybody. Such an event would impose "a serious harm or threat to one's life or physical integrity, a serious threat to one's children, spouse, or other close relatives or friends." PTSD may develop after seeing sudden destruction of the patient's home or the entire community, or witnessing someone's being killed or injured. (DSM-IV, 1994).Th...
Thinking of David Today (It Was Just The Two-Year Anniversary Of His Death)
2008-07-16 22:59:00 This song reminds me of David so much. I miss him terribly. So much that I feel my heart break. I wish he were here and not rotting in his grave. More About: Anniversary , Today , Death , Thinking
Hope
2008-07-07 04:06:00 I haven't been inspired to write much lately. Tonight, though, I'm feeling kind of melancholy. I'm not really depressed, just a little down. I'm missing the Sold Out clan. I know they don't miss me, though. That's what hurts me a little. The pain is not as bad as it used to be, so I guess I'm still in the process of letting go of them. It's about time. It's been 13 years since we all separated. I'm finding that I have a habit of holding on really tightly to people that I love. I'm having to learn to let go of those people because nothing ever stays the same. Every one changes. Feelings change; circumstances change. Besides, even though every one wants to be loved sometime in their lives, they should be able to feel free enough in that love to be able to go and do their own thing and come back if they want to or to not come back. It's hard for me, though, because I never really felt loved so when I feel that someone loves me, I hold them in my heart forever. Sometimes, th... More About: Hope
My Name Is Mudd
2008-06-27 01:17:00 I found out today that my student loans I had consolidated (a little over $41,000) have gone into default because I didn't know that they had been transferred from Sallie Mae to the Kentucky Higher Education Authority and even though I had already faxed in paperwork for an economic hardship deferrment. It turns out that the guy I talked to was just yanking my chain, because the Kentucky Higher Education Authority never got any such paperwork and when I read off the phone number to the lady I was talking to, she said that the area code for that fax number was in Pennsylvania. I'm so upset, but I don't know whether to scream, cry, cut, eat, throw things or just get blind stinkin' drunk. I do have a new job making about 20K a year, but the $275 per month payments are going to really hurt me. I can barely afford to make it now. I'm going to have to get a second job or something. Christ...I don't know what to do. I've also still got to deal with Sallie Mae for the rest of my loans...
Bill of Rights for People Who Self Harm
2008-06-26 00:20:00 Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm PreambleAn estimated one percent of Americans use physical self-harm as a way of coping with stress; the rate of self-injury in other industrial nations is probably similar. Still, self-injury remains a taboo subject, a behavior that is considered freakish or outlandish and is highly stigmatized by medical professionals and the lay public alike. Self-harm, also called self-injury, self-inflicted violence, or self-mutilation, can be defined as self-inflicted physical harm severe enough to cause tissue damage or leave visible marks that do not fade within a few hours. Acts done for purposes of suicide or for ritual, sexual, or ornamentation purposes are not considered self-injury. This document refers to what is commonly known as moderate or superficial self-injury, particularly repetitive SI; these guidelines do not hold for cases of major self-mutilation (i.e., castration, eye enucleation, or amputation).Because of the stigma and lack of readil... More About: Bill of Rights , Bill
Tuesday Afternoon Tunes
2008-06-24 18:59:00 It's around the anniversary of my friend/brother David 's death 2 years ago. I still think about him and miss him every day. I don't know why I can't remember the exact date of his death. It was very painful for me since I had never had anyone I loved die before. I remember the pain I felt and I can say now that it has had it's positive effect on me. I'm a bit stronger now than I was before he died. Not much. Just a bit. A little bit is better than nothing. Yes?These are for David.Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Herefrom David's favorite movie - V for VendettaLife Is Beautiful - David would have liked this song. More About: Tunes , Afternoon , Tuesday
Sunday Secret
2008-06-23 13:14:00 I really used to do this when I worked at a 4-star hotel here in my hometown. Pretty funny that someone else did it too. More About: Sunday , Post Secret , Secret
Post Secret Sunday
2008-06-16 00:12:00 (clickity-click to get a bigger image)I'm supposed to be celebrating my father today. I just can't. I do love him. There's just so much else wrapped up in the way I feel about him: anger, resentment, bitterness, rage, sadness, pity...I wrote a few weeks ago on Beautiful Dreamer's Journal asking her: when do we stop expecting our parents to be something they're not? I have trouble with expecting dad to be what I think he should be, but he's not and never will be. I struggle with accepting him for who he is. I would bet money that he has the same problem with me. Throughout my childhood and adolescent years, and even into my early adulthood, he's tried to persuade me to be a thing he could accept and be proud of. I have never been what he thought I should be. I think that's where the crux of our problem with each other is and is the foundation for everything else that has happened between us. More on this later.... More About: Post , Sunday , Post Secret , Secret
Tuesday Afternoon Tunes-Videos de Fado
2008-05-20 22:40:00 Mariza~O Gente de Minha TerraAna Moura~ Fado de Pessoa More About: Videos , Tunes , Afternoon , Tuesday
Happy Birthday To Me
2008-05-19 18:48:00 So, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 38 now. Funny how I don't feel any older. I just am. I've also begun lately to have these dreams again where I'm floating through people's houses I don't know. I know I'm not supposed to be there and the whole thing is exciting and terrible at the same time. I can remember having these same dreams as a child and wondered if I had slept-walked during the night and broken into other people's houses. Now, I think it's me taking a tour, so to speak, of the other parts of my personality (or personalities). When I was in therapy, all of my therapists discounted dreams as nothing more than the inane ramblings of the subconscious mind. I don't think so. I think some dreams can help you see into yourself and figure some things out. You just have to know which dreams to count as meaningful and which are not. I've finally come out of my latest funk. The voices have calmed down quite a bit to where I can tell them to fuck off and they do. The bigges... More About: Happy , Birthday , Happy Birthday
The Greatest Silence
2008-05-08 04:36:00 The Greatest Silence :Rape In The CongoIf you haven't seen it. See it. I blogged about this several years ago, but no one was really paying attention then. No one really cares about violence unless it affects them directly.
Shite Shite And More Shite
2008-05-03 22:13:00 I got this from Pippa. She's funny like that and I really needed to snort and cackle like the booger picking 5th grader I really am. Shit Be Gone - The World's Coolest Toilet PaperShit Be Gone cleans up your unpleasantries like a champion among toilet paper. How funny would it be to have this sitting in your bathroom during a party, or when your Aunt Vivi stops by? Come on. This is awesome. This is pure fifth-grade-humor hilarity.Shit Be Gone toilet paper is pillow soft and 100% recycled. Also, it's 2-ply, so it's tough enough to handle your messiest jobs without tearing or falling apart. This isn't a cheap gag toilet paper. This is the real thing. Actual quality. You could use this stuff every day.Stock up on Shit Be Gone for your office supply cabinet! Watch your co-workers come rolling of of the bathroom, laughing so hard they can't even use it.Here at Isdera Corp. we have Shit Be Gone in the executive bathrooms. Actually, this would be true if we had executive bathrooms, w...
I Looked Up "Painless Suicide"
2008-05-03 03:14:00 I'm in a funk that I can't seem to shake. I don't want to leave my apartment, eat much, clean or anything else. I just sit here on the internet, watching tv or sleeping. It depresses me even more when I can get some perspective and move outside myself to see myself from outside (if that makes any sense). I try so hard to support myself and to be independent, but when I get going it seems like I have these low points. It's hard to get motivated. I mean, I bought a sofa cover, chair cover and some decorative pillows for the living room the other day and that was good. It makes the living room look better. They already have to be washed, though, because of the cats sitting on them and shedding. It's things like that that make me feel so overwhelmed. I feel like no matter what I do it's not enough; it's not good enough. I laid in bed this morning thinking about work and how good I felt the last time I went (the temporary job I have at FTD has been cutting hours because they've h... More About: Suicide
Hello Kitty Loves Me
2008-04-27 07:53:00 I've been in generally a good mood for the last week or so, except that sometimes I find myself losing my temper and wondering to myself when I became such a raging bitch. Everything irritates me lately and I seem to have no patience for anyone or anything. At the same time, though, when I'm quiet or trying to go to sleep (which is hard enough), I am overcome by negative emotions, negative self-talk, sadness, despair and a strong wish to die. It's almost like if I stop moving, my mind or my body, then that is just there waiting for me. I read on Beautiful Dreamer's Journal that she has this overwhelming wish to die sometimes too. She said that it is when she is grieving the loss of her original self before the abuse happened; before her original self died and the rest of her split into so many pieces like a shattered mirror. I never realized that a person could grieve for the loss of a part of themselves. I mean, it makes total sense now that I think about it. I'm surprised I n... More About: Hello Kitty , Kitty
Wordless Wednesday
2008-04-23 18:41:00 This is a portrait done by Artemisia Gentileschi of her own hand holding her artist's paintbrush. I think it's wonderful because of the detail and because hands are so hard to draw/paint. More About: Wednesday
Tuesday Afternoon Tunes
2008-04-22 18:42:00 I figured I'd post these before I have to go to work.Screamin' Cheetah Wheelies~Shake These BluesThey were (and are) one of my very favorite bands and their frontman was phenomenal. They used to play a lot at Juanita's when I worked there (back in 1996) and so I got to hang out with them a bit. They're fun. Breedlove~Reach OutAnother Austin band that isn't together anymore and that used to play at Juanita's all the time. Freakin' love this band! The singer is amazing!Living Sacrifice~FlatlineFinally, Living Sacrifice is from my hometown, Little Rock. I know them a little. Bruce, who is the singer, picked me up from a dentist appointment once after I'd had my wisdom teeth pulled. I think I drooled all over his truck seat! My favorite line in this song is "I refuse to be consumed by this parasite."Hope y'all enjoy these. I love these bands! More About: Tunes , Afternoon , Tuesday
Secret Sunday
2008-04-20 21:23:00 Big shocker there, right? More About: Sunday , Post Secret , Secret
Poetry Thursday on Friday
2008-04-18 21:49:00 SisterYou crawled inside this empty chest ten years ago. You carved a hole within like a grown-up fetus.Vascillation sorrow uncertainty. I try to speak. In that forced-closed-throat way it?s as if my every word to you were lies. As if I didn?t know you.Maybe I don?t. Really.I?m not crazy, sister. You said paranoid. Imaginations tricking me. Sometimes I can?t see Truly those words of yours for what they really are. Here is the truth: I am not miscontruing you.When you were here in my heart, in my love, curled in my belly, I couldn?t wait for you to speak. Nearly unbearable that waiting That looking up for your other muddy shoe to drop. (Say what you mean. Just speak.)I hate your silence. Your punishment for my letting you set up shop in my head. I loved you as a sister should.I used to always reach for you. As if by merely touching you, like a bleeding woman finally feeling the hem of Jesus? robe under her fingers, I would be healed. Knowing you were really there calming pesky fears ... More About: Poetry , Friday , Thursday
Secret Sally And What Is Friend-Duty
2008-04-14 02:24:00 I used to have 3 best friends. Now, I have 2. I met Sally in '96 when I got a job cocktail waitressing at Juanita's. When I first met her all I could do was watch her because she was just so much larger than life: my life or any other life I'd seen. She was a beautiful, rock-n-roll, bubbly, friendly, laughing girl. I knew almost immediately that I wanted to be friends with her. (She told me years later that when she first met me she thought I was weird because all I did pretty much was watch her, which is true. I just couldn't believe she was so much...herself. Truthfully, I not only wanted to be her friend, I also wanted to be her.) We worked together at Juanita's for about a year and became really good friends.Then, she left Juanita's to go work at another club, met a guy she really fell for and disappeared from our friendship like most girls do when they meet a guy and get serious. They dated for 5 years. We didn't really see each other very much during that time. I felt a... More About: Friend , Secret , Duty
Brother Man
2008-04-06 23:04:00 The other night my friend/ex-boyfriend, Ryk, came over to hang out with me. I mentioned offhandedly that I've begun calling my cat (whose name is Brother ) Brother Man. He said, "Watch out, he'll start trying to sell you drugs." I really expect him to start growing his afro out any day now.
Thursay Thirteen
2008-03-27 17:46:00 1. Ben and Jerry's, I've only recently discovered, makes this super addictive ice cream flavor (I guess they're all addictive!) called Oatmeal Cookie Chunk that is now my favorite. I had some the other night and I've been craving it ever since. It looks like that 5 pounds I lost is in danger of coming back with a vengeance. 2. I've started making wishlists at various websites, mostly for Hello Kitty stuff so far (because I'm a freak like that), so that I can remember and keep track of all the stuff I need and just want. I'm not materialistic by any means. Really I'm not. I guess what really happened yesterday, which was the day of the wishlist-making, I was really bored and this helped me pass the time. And...ahem...if anyone wanted to buy me any of that stuff...my birthday is coming up next month. Not that I'm asking or anything. *smile*3. Here at my apartment I have to park my car on the street. There is not much space between the building in which I live and the street. ... More About: Thirteen
Sad Boobs And Big-Girl Panties
2008-03-14 16:03:00 Why is it that nearly every women's clothing retailer doesn't cater at all to so-called "plus-size" women? Why is it that nearly all "plus-size" clothing is so ugly and unflattering that vomit on plaid would look better?Yeah. I went shopping yesterday. I felt like I needed a few things to add to my wardrobe for future interviews and hopefully a future job. I also thought I needed some retail therapy. I thought wrong. I went first to Target. Mistake. Nothing fit and if it did fit it was so unbelievably horrid...I don't have the words. Plus, there was some construction (I'm assuming that's what it was.) going on in the back of the store. Every few minutes there would be this super loud noise like a drill (I felt like it was drilling into my skull.) and a bunch of yee-haw sounding guys yelling at each other about what they were "fixin'" to do. Did that up my anxiety level? Yeppers. Did that make it easier to get out my uber-fine-toothed comb to plow through all of the hideousness... More About: Girl , Big Girl
Sometimes I Can See So Clearly
2008-03-11 18:25:00 And other times it's a crapshoot.I had an astounding moment of clarity the other night right before I fell asleep. This is usually the time my mind is the clearest, although lately it hasn't been because of all the stress in my life. Anyway, I was able to make a mental list of things I'm thankful for despite the fact that my life sucks right now. Here are some of them:I am thankful for my depression because it makes me relish even more the times when I'm not depressed.I'm thankful for my anxiety because it makes me realize what life can be like without it.I'm thankful for Lainie being here for three agonizing months, because when she finally leaves, I'll be more grateful for my time alone. I've also learned a little bit about emotional blackmail from her and I'm learning how to stand up for myself in the face of it.I'm thankful for my parents and how awful they treated me because now I now what not to do with my kids if I ever have any.I'm thankful for the times I cry bec...
I Hate Food.
More articles from this author:2008-03-11 16:39:00 I decided yesterday to start trying to get information on recovering from my eating disorders. I'm working on recovering from my depression and personality disorders, so why not the eating disorders, too? I'm just in the reading phase right now. I haven't decided what exactly to do yet. But this is a good step. I bought a book called Runaway Eating by Cynthia M. Bulik, Ph.D. and Nadine Taylor M.S., R.D.There was a checklist of things to look at in the book to help people see their disordered eating. Here's what I checked:Your weight has dropped to an abnormally low point or risen to an anormally high point.You divide foods or behaviors into clear-cut "good" or "bad" categories.You eat a lot of noncalorie foods such as diet soft drinks, coffee, mustard, gum, or spices to satisfy your appetite.You often use food to reward yourself.Eating makes you feel guilty.Yur weight seems to go up and down, with dramatic fluctuations of 10 pounds or more. You always seem to be on a diet.You wo... More About: Food , Hate 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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