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correction: James is not tight
2007-08-20 01:05:00
On 11 August, I described my flatmate James as "tight". James would like me to point out that he is not tight, and on the contrary is "anything but". I am only too happy to make this correction and, after all, am quite sure I intended to write the word "sometimes" before the word "tight", but evidently neglected to do so.Indeed, James is not: 1. "stretched or drawn so as not to be loose; taut". He is in fact rotund of belly, thus flabby; which in his younger years could have been described as puppy fat. 2. "fitting in a close manner". He wears his clothes baggy style; possibly to shield onlookers' eyes from the flab (see definition 1).3. "held, made, fixed, or closed firmly and securely". He is manufactured poorly, and his contents often spill forth; I am particularly thinking of New Year's Day 2006, when the kitchen pedal-bin was dispatched to his bedside, and our bathroom this morning - something you ate, James?4. "cramped or constricted". (see definition 3; for a packet of Imod...
More About: Rect

rinse and repeat if necessary
2007-08-11 15:48:00
On Friday morning I awoke on the lounge floor. The neighbours upstairs have issues around noise, so I had decamped to the living area in my sleeping bag. I awoke from troubled dreams and a restless night, feeling part-sloth, part-slug and part-Chris. I made my way to the bathroom.I turned on the shower and noticed we had run out of shampoo. I went into the kitchen to see if my flatmate had bought any. I was not wearing my contact lenses, but I could see a big white bottle with "shampoo and conditioner" written on its frontage. I returned to the shower. I doused myself with the bottle's contents. A bit runny, I thought, but then my flatmate is tight so he probably bought some cheap own-label brand. More of the contents were poured over my head. What's that smell, I thought. Smells like... boot polish, or something. And my face... my face is... burning. I reappraised the product in my hand. It was a 500ml bottle of Autoglym "concentrated shampoo with rust inhibitor... suitable for r...

a good man is hard to find
2007-08-09 17:00:00
Earlier this year I was interviewed for a job by an organisation whose identity I cannot reveal due to the secret nature of the organisation. Let’s just say that the first letter of the organisation’s abbreviated name is M, which probably stands for something like “military”, and the second letter is I, which likely stands for something along the lines of, ooh, a synonym for “cleverness”. The final part of the organisation’s name is located after 4 and before 6 in the numerical alphabet.Surprisingly, I had found myself applying for a position with this organisation. Due to the highly secretive nature of the position within the highly secretive organisation, I cannot reveal its title. But if one were to take the full word denoted by the second letter of the organisation’s name and add it before the words “police officer” with the word “police” removed, the secret title of the highly secretive position would present itself.There was a five-stage interview proce...
More About: Find , Hard , Good

chorophobia on the window ledge
2007-08-06 16:56:00
I guess that when people stand on the edge of window sills 20 storeys up, looking at the lovely concrete below, they think about their life’s achievements. So, what have I achieved?1. I once smoked a cigarette right to the end without dropping any ash. The brand was Benson & Hedges (aka Benny Hedgehogs), which, according to my father and other people, are the best cigarettes. My father looks like Saddam Hussein, and in his prime looked like Fred West, so who am I to argue? The other people don’t look like the former Iraqi president nor the late convicted serial killer, but I value their opinions. It should be noted that the Benny Hedgehog was smoked in Tenerife, whose humid climate may have aided the successful ‘smoke it in one’ stunt.2. Three Christmases ago I hid from my parents in their own house. I was in the spare room, minding my own business, when the doorbell rang. They had invited people round to “look at the house”. Why? My father and the people were in the cor...
More About: Window , Phobia

TK Maxx and the wrong trousers
2007-08-03 13:04:00
Dear ChrisThank you for your e-mail.I apologise that the waist size of the trousers you purchased in our Hammersmith store did not match with the waist size on the hanger. I have spoken to the store manager and passed on your comments. The stock does go on the right hangers when it is put on the shop floor, but unfortunately customers sometimes put them back on the incorrect hangers in the changing rooms.If your trousers are soiled, we will not be able to offer a refund.I am sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you.Kind regards,T.K. Maxx Customer Service----- original message -----Dear TK MaxxI was in your Hammersmith store earlier this week and I noticed that the labelling on your pantaloons was erroneous. For instance, one pair of slacks that caught my fancy were advertised by their hanger as being 34 inches in waistage and 34 inches in length. I did not try on the leg-huggers as the store was rather busy and my husband was sitting in an open-topped Austin Metro outside the...
More About: Trousers , Wrong

the nurse and the professor
2007-08-01 23:36:00
I have made the mistake of joining an online dating agency. I blame the people I know in real life for repelling my aromatic advances. So far, I have been on three "dates". They were all terrible. Especially the first and the third (the second was remarkably unremarkable other than the fact that the contents of her handbag were stolen while I was in the toilet and I could tell she was unconvinced of my innocence).The first was a nurse. She looked disappointed when she saw me. Fair enough, I thought. Then we started talking.Nurse : "I have two jobs. One of them is dealing with patients in a clinic, the other is consultancy, which means I get out of London and travel around. But the downside is I sometimes have to work weekends, which is OK because I really like my job. I used to just work in the clinic and I was getting bored of it, but since I took on the consultancy role I've got my motivation back. So, what are you interested in?"Me: "Badgers."She looked disappointed, so I listed ...
More About: Fess

M&S and the Basmati Bard
2007-07-31 16:39:00
Dear ChrisThank you for your email and the most eloquent way you explained the trouble you are having with our packaging.At M&S customer comments are very important to us. We always welcome ideas about ways in which we can improve our products and services, and so I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us.I would like you to know that I have already passed your comments on to our packaging team who I know will give this careful consideration.Thank you again for taking the time to email. I hope you will continue to enjoy shopping with us in the future.Kindest Regards,Rebecca DennyMarks & Spencer Retail Customer Services-----Original Message-----Dear M&SI would like to draw your attention to the packaging used on your 1kg bags of Basmati rice. The decrepit design means that when one opens the plastic receptacle at the designated re-sealable mouth of the bag, rather than the gob simply opening to reveal the foodstuff within, the sheath inevitably tears its side and sends r...