Oh, The Joys

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Office Crush
2007-11-16 16:30:00
In 1993 I was married to my college sweetheart and working for a nonprofit organization when a new staff member took my breath away.Though my first marriage didn't stick, at the time I believed myself to be happily married.I couldn't understand why the new guy in the office (who was also married) totally paralyzed me. I mean, I didn't even know him.Literally, I could barely breathe when he stood near me.Why does that happen? Is it some sort of scent-related brain stimulus thing?My friend P.J. says "there's a sex cloud hanging over your heads" when you feel that bizarre stranger attraction.[He also says that the size of the sex cloud matters.]The new guy had dark skin and green eyes. {{{shiver}}}His name was Nigerian though he was not.The day that I mustered up the courage to ask him about it he said it was a Yoruban name.In an abstract act driven by the mania of my obsession, I did all this crazy research about the Yoruba Tribe of Nigeria.I learned that when the Yoruban people...
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Attack of the Killer Head
2007-11-15 13:05:00
My friend Laura's son introduced The Mayor to a new game called:Get Naked, Tie Silk Scarves To Your Body and Run Around The House.[I didn't learn this game until college.]The two boys chased each other around and around the natural loop of our house with their scarves (and stuff) flapping in the wind.Laura's son ran faster than The Mayor and this was a problem because, The Mayor?Is. Always. First.[Icepick to the forehead, please!]The (formerly known as first) Mayor sagged to the floor sobbing, his scarves fluttering around him."What's wrong, Mayor?" I asked."He keeps running away from me!""You know," I offered, "when he gets ahead of you, you can turn around and run the other way. You'll run right into him head first!"Ta-da!Instantly the tears ended and The Game resumed.Laura and I continued talking from our couch-based horizontal parenting stations...until we heard a disturbingly loud thud...followed by her son's scream...and then a different, but still quite disturbing, seco...
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Wrestling
2007-11-14 15:04:00
I have continued to stew about the tic-tac needing, close-talking, all-up-in-my-face, evangelical lady.Many of the comments on that post helped me understand and justify my anger..."I think we all feel angry or violated when someone else tries to impose their morality on us without first trying to understand WHO we are." - QT"You're angry because it wasn't PERSONAL. She didn't know anything about you... It became about HER and what she had to do, instead of about YOU and RELATIONSHIP, which is what God calls us to be in with each other." - Painted MaypoleYeah! What THEY said!But then, there were also a few comments that challenged me."I think it was the Dalai Lama who said, "your enemy is your best teacher." - the end of motherhood[Oh, the darned Buddhists... always suggesting you take the high road.]"Who knows, I'm not sure how your personal belief system works, but maybe it happened for a reason, just to spur your thoughts, emotions and beliefs." - Josey"As...
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Twenty Two Years
2007-11-13 18:00:00
Somehow, when I was a freshman in college in 1985, I landed a job as a cocktail waitress in a bar that featured live bands seven nights a week.I have no idea why I was given this job.I had no cocktail waitress experience and I was such a dork.When I was newly on the job twenty four empty Budweiser bottles slipped off of my tray and onto the lap of a very pregnant woman.[Oh, the HORROR!]Later I "accidentally" accepted too many customer tips in the form of drinks and ended the night by loudly (and gutturally) singing Gregory Abbott ... "Guuuuurrrrllll I want to Shake You Down"... while being spun around on a bar stool until I fell off and appeared to be stone dead for a full minute. With the entire bar staff peering over me I suddenly sprang up, lifted the bar-top gate, walked through and released it so that the gate fell and smashed the entire inventory of the bar's glassware.Miraculously, I was not fired for these things.My first night on the job I was trained by a fellow waitress ...
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Boundaries
2007-11-12 19:30:00
The woman came right up to me and said,"I just won't be able to leave this store if I don't speak to you."My eyes widened.It is not often that anyone speaks to me at the thrift store.[Though I occasionally like to pull out really heinous Christmas sweaters - or the equivalent - and, while wearing a mischievous grin, tell the nearest person that I think the item would look great on them.]I admit, I was curious. Why did she need to talk to ME? Why couldn't she leave the store without doing so?She took another step towards me and was so close that, I swear, I thought she might mean to kiss me."I need to tell you that God is waiting for you," she said and launched into a sermon.[deep breath]I fully support every person's right to make their own religious choices and practice their faith freely and openly.So... out of respect for her need to speak, I tried to hear what she felt called to say.Two things tripped me up.First, she was standing much too close to me.I don't have particula...

Give
2007-11-11 15:00:00
I believe in the Margaret Mead quote,"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."I am reminded that I need to figure out a meaningful way for my family to volunteer.Here are a few of the resources I'm using in case anyone else is as anal as me planning ahead this season:Charity Guide offers suggestions for making a difference by volunteering for just 15 minutes, a few hours or even on vacation.Volunteermatch can find opportunities for you if you search on your own zip code.Another good place to search is Idealist.Visit Hands On Network for a list of local volunteer organizations that plan and manage hundreds of volunteer opportunities every month and all year long. They have family / kid friendly volunteer opportunities and a whole host of holiday projects. You can also look up your local volunteer center here.If you see an unmet need in your community, you can take on-line training on how to pl...
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I, Navin R. Johnson
2007-11-11 02:29:00
I've been racking up the blog bling lately and I feel just like Navin R. Johnson when the new phone books arrived.I'M SOMEBODY NOW!!!Tulip Mom and Aliki gave me the Blogger Reflection Award. Which is a total honor considering how many of my posts are labeled "idiocy." I must pass this along to the deserving Flutter, Patience, and Wordgirl.*******************************K C gave me a blogging BhD for my photoshop skillz. A BhD!!! I'm ADVANCED now!I'd like to forward the Bhd to JJ for her Haiku mastery, Chicky for expertise in morning sickness, Angela and Aimee for photography, Motherbumper for record breaking cuteness, Lotta and Ruth for hilarity and Mamatulip for hanging with me in times of trouble.*******************************I also got this lovely 'Blogging That Hits The Mark' bling from Wit's End.I'd like to splat this one far and wide to Loralee, Honeybell, Amy, Furious Ball, Stepping Over the Junk, We Be Toys, 3 Carnations, Emily, Amanda, Clink, Rimarama, Kelly, Jamie,...

Is Your Work Load Nuts?
2007-11-09 16:17:00
I noticed a lump on the right side of my neck last week.Since I didn't have a matching one on the left side, I decided to make a doctor's appointment.[I'm fine. Apparently I just have a lumpy neck.][You know how every time you try to see your doctor they tell you the next available appointment is in 16 months? Just say you have a lump in your neck and they'll ask if you want to come in that very afternoon!]Anyway, as I was walking into the doctor's office, I noticed a male doctor with greying hair.His nametag said "Larry" and I thought, "I know that guy."In my examining room I remembered Dr. Larry.A lifetime ago he was in my ex-husband's medical school class.[He also happens to be the brother of a famous singer in a band that rhymes with... uh... schmindiglo burls.]Seeing him reminded me of how awkward it was for me to socialize with my ex's medical school friends back then.They were all so clear about their life's work and I was floundering around, unable to select a caree...
More About: Work , Load , Nuts

What Big Eyes You Have
2007-11-08 15:49:00
I put a pillow over my head at 4:00 a.m. when The Rooster was crying and went back to sleep.[Because I am a super good mom.]K, the better parent (and lighter sleeper) did not ignore his wailing daughter. [Though he wasn't HAPPY about it.]K got her a juice cup, checked her diaper and rubbed her back, but she kept screaming.The Rooster shares a bedroom with The Mayor and K worried that one wailing child would soon become two if she woke her brother.I heard K pull down the attic stairs, scramble up, retrieve the pack-n-play, set it up in my office and move The Rooster there.[Then I pressed my pillow down more tightly on my head because, damn, he was making a lot of noise!]In the morning The Rooster said,"Mama, do you remember running with that Daddy Wolf?"I struggled to determine what story book she might be talking about, but despite my probing questions she kept insisting on her memory of the two of us running with a wolf."Did you dream that we were running with a wolf when you wer...
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The Flavor of Pure Pleasure
2007-11-07 14:12:00
The Mayor finally got to chew his gum. He carefully unwrapped it, stuck it in his mouth, chewed for 15 seconds and said, "Gack! Ptht! Mommy, this is disgusting! I don't like it." I told him to spit it in the garbage can. He spit it out and begged for a drink to get rid of the taste.Not just any drink... oh, no.Milk is to The Mayor what National Park Ranger uniforms are to me. He doesn't just ask for milk, he specifically asks for "fresh, cold milk." He actually speaks in italics.. and breathy ones at that. "Mommy, please can I have Fresh... Cold.... Milk?" Washing away the evil wrong taste of Bazooka Joe, he slurped the milk down with a shiver of pleasure.[Complete. Toddler. Moo-gasm.]After his post-milk cigarette, he said,"Mommy, next time can you get me gum without a flavor?""I don't think so, Mayor. All of the gum I know of comes in flavors."He thought about that for a moment and then said,"Okay, then could you get me some milk flavored gum?"Uh,yeah.I'll get right on th...
More About: Pure , Flavor , Pleasure

Why Is It Private?
2007-11-06 13:59:00
My friend recently had her first sex talk with her eight year old son.He stumbled (yeah, right) on the word "sex" in the dictionary and wanted to know more about it.My friend took a deep breath and explained.When she got to the part about THE PENETRATION, his face fell in horror."Mom!" he gasped. "Have YOU done THAT?""Well," she said, "I have you and your brother so I've done it at least twice.""Eeeeewwww. Why would you DO that?" he asked."Well," she said reaching... "it feels really good."Her son thought about that and then said,"When I touch myself it feels really good.""I'm sure it does," my friend confirmed."I mean, it feels REALLY GOOD, Mom.""I know," she said stifling her laughter.Still curious, he asked her how you choose who you have sex with and she told him you do it with people you love."So could you do it with Grandpa?" he asked.Repressing the image of her naked father-in-law, my friend tried her best to explain about partners."Can I do it with my friends?" he asked.Sh...
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Encore!
2007-11-05 17:08:00
Grandma Seattle (a.k.a. my mom) was in town over the weekend to celebrate her birthday.On Sunday night there was a post-cupcake toddler crazy dance in her honor.Two tiny people gyrated wildly, screamed, ran around and called it "The Show."At the end, Grandma Seattle clapped in delight and shouted,"Encore!"The Mayor lifted an eyebrow and smiled deviously."You want an encore?" he said.Grandma Seattle nodded enthusiastically.Still grinning mischievously, The Mayor dropped his pants, turned his rear to face her and shook it with gusto.Oh, The Proud!

Canada, How I Love Thee
2007-11-04 19:35:00
I signed up for the National Blog Post Month thing... is it cheating if I use the weekends to catch up on the memes and blog bling stuff?Alrighty then...Mel at Freak Parade and What Works for Us were kind enough to give me this here bling:I would like to pass it along, by awarding it to the entire nation of Canada . It's kind of freakish how many great bloggers are Canadian. It makes me wonder what the hell is going on up there. How do they do it?For example... all these bloggers are 100% pure maple leafy goodness.Alpha DogMa; Assertagirl; Attack of the Redneck Mommy; Blithely Babbling; Bub and Pie; Cheaper Than Therapy; Circle Of Life; crazymumma; crib chronicles; Crunchy Carpets; Dribblingwitt???; Frog and Toad are Still Friends; Her Bad Mother; Life of 'Pie; martinis for milk; The Kids Are Alright; metro mama; Mimi on the Breach; motherbumper; Musings from a Muse; NotSoSage; Rosebud and Papoosie Girl; Schmutzie's Milkmoney; Something Baby Blue; Tales From The Dad Side...
More About: Love

Blogging Super Heroes
2007-11-03 14:35:00
[Uh... I was suppposed to post this yesterday. Doh!]One of my blogging super-heroes has always been Y from Joy Unexpected.I love her blog and her writing because her posts are so genuine. To read her is to know her... and to fall in deep, deep love.She can be silly or brutally honest, but is always completely universal.If for some reason Kevin Charnas revokes my contract to build a retirement home in his nostrils, I'm totally building it in Y's bosom.Because I love her so VURY, VURY MUCH, it is my great HONOR to nominate her post called "You've been Nard Dogged" for an October ROFL Award.Since I read it, I haven't been able to stop saying, "I loaves wine and wan to have sxe with my jusbamd."She brings the funny, the sexy and the 100% real.Next month it's your turn to spread the love...To nominate someone for an ROFL Award, send Chicky Chicky Baby or Metro Mama an e-mail and they'll put you on the mailing list and let you know when to send in a link to the post you liked.You ...
More About: Heroes , Blogging , Super

Not Talking To You Yet
2007-11-02 13:12:00
I’ve been struggling lately.The sudden death of my grandmother, the violence of it, the bearing witness to her passing and the closeness of it all to my grandfather’s death have been hard on me.One minute I’m fine and the next minute…not fine. Basket case. A friend asked me if I believed that my Granny’s spirit existed somewhere and if so, did I talk to her.I was so surprised to hear myself blurt out,“Not yet!”Then I started laughing in recognition. "No! I'm not talking to her yet!"I sounded so much like my toddlers.“Not talking to you! GO AWAY! NOT NICE, GRANNY!”I feel her presence but I’m not talking to her yet.I've been wandering back and forth through the various stages of grief and have spent my fair share of time in anger, but up until now I've been angry at the universe for taking her so abruptly and treating her so roughly. Now, it seems I'm mad at her. For leaving me.I understand she did not go on purpose but I’m as angry as an irrational toddler....
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Might Have To Touch It A Lot
2007-11-01 11:50:00
The Mayor has repeatedly asked to chew gum. I have said no and no and no again and he has grown weary of me. Someone gave him a piece of bubble gum while he was trick or treating last night and he hit his own personal jack pot. Awe struck, he wouldn't put the gum in his candy bag. Instead, he stowed it safely in his pants pocket and, at home, he begged to chew it.I told him he could chew it the next day so he tried to arrange to sleep with the gum. We finally agreed to let it rest on his nightstand where he could watch over it until morning. After our treaty was forged, he sat at the dining room table fondling the gum.To no one in particular he said, "I won't take it into my bed... but I might have to touch it a lot."The Rooster had fun too![My smokin' hot husband dressed up like a National Park Ranger-- a Halloween jack pot of my own!!]
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Giddyup!
2007-10-31 13:26:00
“How did everything go?” I asked the babysitter.“It was… uh…interesting,” she told me.I called a babysitter on Friday and miraculously produced a last minute date night for K and I.[We saw Lars and the Real Girl… who knew a film about a guy who orders a sex doll for companionship could be so completely endearing?!!]Anyway, a few months back I picked up a giant stuffed horse on suspenders at one of those church consignment sales. [Don't ask, don't tell, Church Lady!]Squeezing one ear made the horse neigh and squeezing the other made “clippity clop” sounds.[Which transported me immediately to Monty Python’s Holy Grail and I was sold.]You pull the horse suspenders over your head and, “Viola!” you are mounted.[You are MOUNTED. Heh, heh.]Ahem.“Cowboy,” I thought. "The Mayor will be a cowboy for Halloween."I figured I could squeeze in one final year of making the costume decision for him if I hid the horse in the closet and waited until the week of Halloween...