Oh, The Joys

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Whizpoppers
2011-09-09 14:00:00
In Roald Dahl's novel, The BFG, young Sophie is kidnapped and taken to a land occupied by giants. Recently, I've been reading this book to The Mayor and The Rooster. In the giant's world, their equivalent of soda fizzes downward instead of upward. Instead of causing burps, soda causes, well... the opposite, an activity know to the giants as "Whizpopping." When a giant releases whizpops, he is lifted off the ground and filled with a sensation of elation. This is such a fun experience that whizpopping itself is a sign of happiness among the giants. Reflecting on the chapter where we learned all this, The Rooster smiled at me and said, Mama, you're the happiest person I know.
More About: Books , Motherhood , Idiocy

Hey, No Fair!!
2011-09-04 21:47:00
K usually wakes up the children, but he had to leave the house early the other day. We do it differently, the waking up. K plays an out of tune guitar and sings a made up morning song that might remind you of alley cats meowing in the night. I prefer to climb in my children's beds and snuggle them awake. On this particular morning, I climbed in with The Rooster first and rubbed her back and talked with her until I knew she'd get up and get dressed. Then I moved into The Mayor's bed. Because relating to seven year old boys seems to require an element of rough housing, I didn't rub his back so much as gently transition him into several world championship wrestling maneuvers. As I climbed out of his bed, I said, You'd better get up and get dressed quickly because I left a fart in your bed. And then, unbelievably, from The Rooster's room I hear, HEY! NO FAIR! YOU DIDN'T LEAVE A FART IN MY BED!! Seriously? They will fight about ANYTHING. The joys.
More About: Motherhood , Fair , Idiocy

We All Face It Alone
2011-07-13 17:27:00
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More About: Motherhood , Face

As It Turns Out, I'm Still Doing This!
2011-07-07 16:16:00
BlogHer is only about a month away. Are you ready to party?The Bloggess, Oh, the Joys!, Motherbumper, IzzyMom and Velveteen Mind are returning with...The 5th Annual People?s Party! As BlogHer continues to grow, our mission remains the same: Host a laid-back, inclusive ice-breaking gathering the night before BlogHer. As always, the People?s Party is for everyone.[And that means you.] You can get your "I'm going" badges for this party - and all the parties - here. Damn the man! Viva the People!

Some People
2011-05-27 04:04:00
My son, who was busily schooling me on the art of meditation...[learned where?]...said,...some people sit like this [cross legged] and some people sit like this [lotus] and some people hold their thumb & finger in a circle like this and some people...On and on went the 'some people's, so I said,Some people call me a space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice.My son rolled his eyes.I blame Grandma Seattle for playing The Steve Miller Band so much when I was a child.
More About: People , Idiocy

Chicken Breast Threat Level Orange
2011-03-22 20:28:00
I never intended to pose a threat to airport security but on the way out of town, I realized that the fluid filled sacks in my carry on luggage might very likely cause alarm, attract attention, and, frankly, mortify me.Two days ago, I learned that many of my female colleagues were planning to wear floor length gowns to our office's 'black tie optional' event though I had assumed we?d go with cocktail length dresses since we'd be working the event.I scrambled, asking friends if they had anything formal I could borrow.One friend (who shall remain nameless for reasons that will become clear as the story unfolds) loaned me a strappy, red number.When I tried it on, she eyed me critically and said, ?You?re going to need the chicken breasts.?[That's the face I made too.]She went to a drawer and pulled out two silicon filled sacks and told me to drop them in my bra.?Trust me,? she said.I was skeptical, but lo, said chicken breasts propped up the tired, old girls and gave them renewed v...
More About: Orange , Chicken , Breast , Idiocy

When Less Really Is More
2010-11-16 16:57:00
"You are too disciplined about turning off the DVD after just one episode," I say."We should get some sleep," he says. "We shouldn't stay up too late.""I am not feeling appreciative about your discipline," I say.He smiles devilishly."You might appreciate it later," he says."How much later?" I ask.He laughs."In, like, ten minutes."His eyes are twinkling.He raises his eyebrows.He smiles.It's on.
More About: Marriage , Romance

Interventions
2010-11-12 23:07:00
She opened the bathroom door and screamed,"Hurry up!"She shut the door, but opened it right back up and started yelling again."Don't get dressed again. Leave everything off except your underwear."She half closed the door, then changed her mind.She grabbed her daughter by the arm and dragged her out into the dressing room of the ballet studio with her pants at her ankles.I was quietly helping The Rooster change into her leotard and tights.There were fifteen other five year old girls in the room in various stages of dress all getting ready for ballet class.I had noticed the woman even before she started yelling. She was sitting listlessly beside a baby boy - maybe eighteen months old. She looked extremely depressed and tired.Her daughter started to cry as she was dragged by the arm out of the bathroom."You're a MESS!" her mother screamed and roughly wiped at her mouth with a tissue.The girl continued to sob while the mother barked out orders.Softly at first, I spoke..."Take it ea...
More About: Motherhood

The Silly Run
2010-11-05 17:10:00
"Do the silly run, Daddy," she says.Every morning, we drop K off at the commuter rail station.As he leaves the car, the silly run is often requested.My husband then morphs into what I can only liken to a rocking chair with boat propellers.His arms fly out like airplane wings.His lower legs rotate at the knee joints and spin at odd angles.He zig zags, serpentine in great S curves past expressionless commuters and motionless people quietly waiting for the bus.Inside the car, there is laughing and sometimes applause.He'll pause, halfway to the station entrance and throw kisses back towards us.K is normally quiet and mild mannered.He's an introvert. He's shy.I hope my kids remember his silly run long after he's gone.It is a true act of love.
More About: Family , Silly

How to Embarrass Your Offspring on Foreign Exchange
2010-11-04 19:15:00
"No way! You actually have the shirt!" he said.My good friend David is in South Africa for six months.He's a visiting professor at a university in Johannesburg.Recently, he was startled and surprised when an American student walked into his office wearing the shirt."What do you mean?" the unassuming student from Indiana asked.After a bit of back and forth, David realized that the student didn't have a clue about what he was wearing.It was the The Mountain Three Wolf Moon t-shirt.(If you aren't familiar with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, then I *highly* recommend you take a break and read the Amazon customer reviews for this product.)[Seriously. Go read them now.]David showed the Amazon reviews to the poor, unassuming student from Indiana.After reading many reviews, the student said,"Oh, man! I'm SO embarrassed! My mom sent me that shirt."This had me howling.[Like three wolves with a moon.]Do you think his mom knew about it?I totally hope so.
More About: Friends , Motherhood , Exchange , Foreign Exchange , Foreign

The Dawn of Influence
2010-11-02 01:23:00
Last year, The Rooster was a fierce pirate girl for Halloween .This year, she asked to do this look again.She was all set until it was time to get dressed.Then she started crying hysterically.She was afraid that her very best friend, who is tom boyish, would laugh at her.In the end, she wore purple sweatpants, a red t-shirt with a batman emblem, a batman cape and a batman mask.Though I have heard The Rooster's friend say she doesn't like to wear dresses herself, I have never heard her criticize anything Roo has worn.I found myself distressed and alarmed by the amount of influence my daughter already allows a friend to have over her.As we left the house to meet her friend, Roo looked depressed."What's wrong, Roo?" I asked.She flipped a corner of the batman cape in the air and rolled her eyes."It's not your best costume ever," I said."I know," she said and sighed.She is only five.
More About: Holidays , Change , Dawn

Transparency & Transition
2010-10-30 22:31:00
Last winter, I took a job in social media and I find that after I spend all day at work blogging, tweeting and posting to Facebook, I'm spent.I really miss the way that regularly blogging here offered me a chance to reflect, even in small ways, on what was happening in my life and how I felt about it.Since going back to work full time, I sometimes find that I'm not sure what I think or how I feel about anything because there's no time to stop and consider.Life is one long task list it often seems.Yesterday I found out I'll be speaking at the Mom 2.0 summit to be held in New Orleans from February, 14-16.I'm super excited to be going because I know I'll love seeing some of my favorite bloggers and meeting new ones.When I saw the announcement though, it was the first time that I have seen my professional blog linked to my personal one. I'm not sure how I feel about that.I haven't taken down any posts here, but this new job in social media has forced my once (at least semi-priva...
More About: Transparency

Laying It Down
2010-09-07 20:12:00
I was cutting the crusts off the bread for my kid?s sandwiches when my friend Michael looked at me and said,?That is so wasteful. Look at all the bread you have to throw away!?Our families were away together at the beach and Michael and I had returned to the beach house to make lunches for everyone.This was three months ago.Since then, every single morning when I make school lunches, I remember this comment and seethe.Day after day, I mutter my unspoken retort,?It?s just as much of a waste if they throw their sandwiches away uneaten!?I'll at least admit that it has occurred to me that I?m being ridiculously silly about it.So when our families went to dinner together last night, I told Michael it had been bothering me.?I?m so sorry,? he said. ?I only meant that children in general are wasteful with their picky eating habits. I didn?t mean it as a personal judgment.??It probably says more about me than it does about you, Michael,? I told him, ?that I?ve been hanging on to it all thi...
More About: Friends , Idiocy

The Worst Are Full of Passionate Intensity
2010-08-26 01:54:00
She lives in a bushy area of the sidewalk next to a four lane road that we travel every day on the way to The Rooster's school.Her four shopping carts are filled with plastic garbage bags and storage tubs.She is always wearing a sweat stained, gray t-shirt, blue jeans and a backwards baseball cap.Her carts and belongings are often strewn up and down the sidewalk in front of the U-Store-It facility, one of the nicer business establishments on this lonely, industrial stretch.I'm puzzled by her presence there. She's alone, far from downtown - way out in the county.The only things nearby are a grocery store, a funeral home and, about a mile up the road, there's a small county hospital.Every morning and every afternoon my children look for her and ask about her.Why is she always there? Why doesn't she have a home? What does she do when it rains?I have found myself wondering lately if we should stop and offer help. Maybe the children would learn something about compassion...We've...
More About: Discovery , Service , Reflection , Full

Why My Husband Is So Darned Appealing
2010-08-16 21:36:00
When he receives obvious spam, like this...-----Original Message-----From: Maria Levy Mwanawasa [mailto:sanaali@bigmir.net]Sent: Monday, August 16, 2010 3:17 PMSubject: HelloHello Dear,I know this mail will come to you as a surprise since we haven't discuss it before, but kindly bear with me at this moment. I have a special reason why I wrote you first in the dating site. My situation at hand is miserable but I trust in God and hope you will be of my help. My name is Maria Levy Mwanawasa. I am 22 years old and I held from Zambia, I am the daughter of late President Levy Mwanawasa, the former President of Zambia. My beloved father died on the 19th of August, 2008 in the French Hospital after he was hospitalized for a stroke. well, You can read more detail about they death of my late father here.http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26287278 /I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother and my uncle. They both planned to take away all my l...
More About: Idiocy

They Were Strangers to You
2010-08-03 02:52:00
?Mommy, do you have a Dad???Yes, Roo. Pop is my Dad.?She was quiet, thinking.?But Grandma Seattle un-married him.??They did get un-married,? I said, using her language, ?but he?s still my Dad and she?s still my mom and they still love me the same as when they were married.?She was quiet again.?What did it feel like when they got unmarried,? she asked.?What did it feel like to me? I was sad, I guess.??How was it sad???Well, things weren?t the same.??Like what???Well, like Christmas. We used to all have Christmas together, but after they decided not to be married, I had to choose where to spend Christmas ? with Grandma Seattle or with Pop.??Who did you choose?? she asked.?I took turns for awhile,? I said, ?and now we all have Christmas with Grandma New York so I don?t have it with either of them.?What did it feel like when you got a new Dad and a new Mom?? she asked.?What do you mean by new mom and new dad, Roo???What did it feel like when Grandma Seattle and Pop decided to marry othe...
More About: Family , Marriage , History , Reflection

Going There
2010-07-16 14:00:00
It was our year to get kicked out of the house.There were too many people, not enough rooms and someone had to go.In fairness, it was our turn.As a bonus, Grandma Seattle said the kids could stay at the house with her......which made us think we might just show up at 10:00 a.m. and leave at 4:00 p.m. every day! Huzzah!Instead of staying at a Motel 7 by the side of the state highway, we decided to splurge and stay at Berry Hill.My relatives thought this was an extravagance, and it was, but all my life my Granny talked about this great southern mansion that had fallen into disrepair and it's once resplendent wishbone staircase.It was finally restored in 1999 and I'd always wanted to stay there.Before the Civil War, Berry Hill was owned by the richest man in the state of Virginia.And here comes the tricky part...Berry Hill was home, as I understand it, to three thousand slaves.Three. Thousand.There was a room near the registration desk where guests could find continental breakfast it...

Night Swimming
2010-07-14 18:00:00
Sometime in the mid-1960?s, my great grandfather, Granddaddy Bee, donated land to a local trust to build a community pool in the rural Virginia farmland where my grandmother grew up.Other gentlemen farmers from the area contributed resources and a small, country swimming pool opened to serve the local population.There has never been a lifeguard on duty there.No whistles are blown.No one shouts, ?no running!? and there?s no such thing as ?Adult Swim.?There have been numerous jumps off the pool house roof into too shallow water, many attempts to capture a greased watermelon bobbing in the pool long after dark has fallen, hundreds of vigorous games of beach volleyball in the sandy court behind the pool and thousands of cans of beer fervently sipped by underage drinkers.A life time of memories of my summer visits to my great-grandmother?s house, and later, after she and my grandfather retired there, to my grandparents house are inextricably linked to this country pool, lost in time.Befo...
More About: Family , Swimming , Night , Memories

Who Dat?
2010-07-12 21:53:00
On the 4th of July, my cousin Kaycee announced that she wanted to be baptized in the pool near my Granny?s house.She was never properly baptized as a child and she declared she was ready.?What name do you want to take?? family members asked.?Cowbell and Batman,? she replied.The Mayor, always literal, said,?I think you need to take a saint?s name.?And then, doing the best that a six year old without the benefit of a proper religious upbringing could, he continued,?Like from the New Orleans Saints.?And so after the home-grown, state border purchased, family only fireworks display executed by my cousin Colin and his fiance Alyssa, it came to pass.Kaycee was baptized,"Kaycee Cowbell Batman Reggie Bush [Last Name]."I hope you had a happy Fourth too!
More About: Holidays , Family , Idiocy

Learn to Eat Like Old People
2010-05-24 17:19:00
Another guest post from my husband, K.We ate dinner at our friend?s house last night.It was a casual dinner party, kids included.We fed the kids first and then the grown-ups ate.All this skewed dinner a little late by our early-eating clock.While we waited, we both noshed on crackers and hummus.A little bit of cheese, yes please.We picked at left over hot dog pieces and grilled mushrooms as we cleared the kids plates.When it was ready, we both ate solid dinners.We could not refuse the chocolate cake.Soon after, regret set in.Both of our stomachs hurt.My practical wife said,?We have to learn to eat like old people.?Oh baby, you talk so sexy to me.
More About: People , Learn , Idiocy

The Wild Bachelor
2010-05-17 14:00:00
Flabbergasting K and I, my mother offered to keep the children for a week at my grandmother's home in Virginia last summer.I was, of course, excited about the possibilities of a child-fee week, but I was equally excited about my children having the opportunity to spend a summer week in the small Virginia community where I spent so much time as a child.The Mayor and I talked on the phone one night before bed and he told me all about his day."I met Charlie and Joey at the pool and we talked and talked. We talked about the things we have, what we like to do and where we like to go... it was so great, Mom."Charlie and Joey are both cousins of his.Everywhere we turn in this part of Virginia, relatives abound.There is something tremendously comforting in having a sense of place like that, where everywhere you go, you are related to someone.I drove back up to Virginia to collect The Mayor and The Rooster the next weekend.While I was gone, I got a series of e-mails from K under the subject...
More About: Wild , Bachelor , Idiocy

Summer List
2010-05-14 14:00:00
I saw this in the Real Simple magazine last summer and I liked it.It seems like the right time to re-read it...If you have an hour this summer...Roll down a big hillPaint rocksSpray each other with seltzerplay flashlight tagroast marshmellowsCatch (and release) firefliesBake mudpies in the sunToss a frisbeeStart a grass fightLok under stones near a pondRun through the sprinklerRead bedtime stories in the hammockOrganzie a crazy eights tournamentMake a daisy chainSmack a tetherball aroundSamp a family picture at dusk (in the beautiful light)Weed (i.e. pick dandelions)Challenge friends to a wtermelon sees spitting contestCatch (and release) minnowsJump rope with the hose streamWork on your catwheelLaunch foam rocketsSkinny dipTake a pj's walkIf you have a day...Take a hike - make a display for the next hikers with the treasures you findWrite and stage a playCreate a rock garden Build a raft and set sail across the creekSell lemonadeSay yes to a trip to the zoo or amusement parkPut on...
More About: Summer , List

Walk to School
2010-05-12 14:00:00
This is a guest post written by my husband...We walked to school this morning and held hands most of the way.It was a remarkably beautiful spring morning, cool, fragrant with all the blooms, noisy with the songs of birds, patterned in slanting light and shadows.I?m glad we walked. We have fallen out of the habit of late and I realize the school year is almost done.The Mayor was a little grumpy at the outset, upset that we had not looked for and found his Pokemon cards before we left the house. But the glower left his face shortly.We talked a little about what he would do at school (Spanish every Monday, work time every day, recess when it's not raining ? recess was likely today) and we said good morning to the stream as we walked over the little bridge.We came upon the smoker man who, unfortunately, walks his dog and smokes his cigarettes every day around the same time we walk to school.His dog is one of those teeny, pug face dogs that must be quite yappy when it gets to barking.Th...
More About: School

Westward Currents
2010-05-11 02:11:00
At exactly 7:00 Eastern time, The Family Joy sat gathered around the family dining table.At the very same moment, it was 4:00 Pacific time and Grandma Seattle was meeting with her boss.I knew she was worried about the meeting, the company she's been with for 10 years is changing.[And, to state the obvious, change is hard.]We stopped dinner and thought of Grandma Seattle."Close your eyes," K suggested to the kids."Say 'I'm thinking of you Grandma and I hope everything turns out just the way you want it to,' but don't say it out loud, just think it in your head," he told them.The four of us sat with our eyes squeezed shut, concentrating, sending this message."Now," I said, "imagine there's a great red, swoop of love that rushes right out of the top of your head. Imagine it sweeping over all of the states in our country and traveling all the way to Seattle. Imagine it finding Grandma and swooping down and flowing right into her body."Four sets of eyes remained tightly shut as a g...
More About: Faith , Change

Jack Handy's Sister's Thoughts
2010-05-09 18:30:00
Sometimes the children fight. They pick at each other mercilessly, needling away. At those times, I secretly wish I had earphones on and loud music playing. Is that wrong?
More About: Motherhood , Thoughts , Jack , Idiocy

Doomed to Live Here Forever
2010-05-07 18:00:00
We're trying to sell our house right now.We don't have to sell our house at the moment, but The Mayor and The Rooster share a room and, while that works for now, it won't work forever.On top of the pain of trying to keep it clean and "show ready" despite the best efforts of the short and loud people we live with to do otherwise, we have chosen to embark on this undertaking during the worst real estate market in a long, long time.[Because we are so very intelligent.]To make matters worse, we live on a busy street and only have one bathroom.It get's tiring to constantly hear all the reasons why our house sucks."The road noise was too much for my clients. Nice home, good sized rooms which is important to my clients, but they are noise sensitive."K got so hearing the reasons why our house sucks that he wrote his own...Too noisy, not big enough, not enough bathrooms, ?, mailbox post too twisted, too many trees, don?t like broken driveway pavement, sink fixtures not gold plated, doorb...
More About: Moving , Live , Forever , Idiocy

Note to My Children
2010-05-06 02:00:00
I am not your napkin.I am not anyone's napkin.I am not a napkin at all.Get your hot dog off of my arm.Stop blowing your nose in my sleeve.
More About: Children , Motherhood , Note

There Should Be A Manual. Seriously.
2010-05-04 02:45:00
I was in a meeting awhile back and a colleague mentioned that they had recently read a report suggesting that a child?s ability to feel empathy was a strong indicator of both academic and life success. [blink. blink.][Deer in headlights followed by...][Deep, ponderous thought.][Later trailed by emergence from deep pondering with BUBKISS to show for it.]How DOES a parent best teach empathy?

And Now For Some Useless Information!
2010-05-02 02:30:00
I found a list written in my handwriting on the back of a recipe. MayonnaiseSpidersSlow-talking, people in chargeKeanu ReevesDiesel ExhaustAntivirus Expiration Photos of bizarre skin ailments Michael Gross (Played the father on the TV show Family Ties) Jessica Simpson Seashell Art Any guesses about the list's theme?
More About: Information , Useless , Idiocy

And Your Mama Drove a Pinto
2010-04-30 02:44:00
My husband and I were helping our friends wash the dishes one night last weekend.We always eat at their house when we get together, even if I cook.Our house has a way of taking kid noises and magnifying them.(((((The triumph of the short and loud people!)))))Somehow, our friend's place doesn't echo the way ours does.Anyway, as we washed and dried, we told stories.David made some reference to his childhood and the 1970's.The Mayor, who has a bad habit of eaves dropping, decided to suddenly join the conversation.With a wild, eye-popping look of complete incredulity, The Mayor said,"You were ALIVE in the NINETEEN HUNDREDS???!!!!"[#weareold]
More About: Mama , Idiocy