Oh, The JoysOh, The JoysWhere the mother of two toddlers who are only 15 months apart thrills you with tales of the mundane from the House of Joy where every day is the same. 
Articles
A Guy Walks Into A Bar
2009-09-16 14:35:00 The Mayor, who is five, is currently going through the (widely studied) "Catskills" phase of his early childhood development.Oh, the jokes.[Oy, the jokes.]Last night at dinner, he told the same (long), (unfunny), (obscure) joke three times.With each telling the joke became longer and more obscure.His dinner remained untouched as he cracked himself up and bewildered the rest of us.Inspired by his own hilarity, The Mayor suggested that the family take turns telling jokes."You can go first, Dad," he said.K took a deep breath."Okay, Jack Nicklaus and Jesus Christ were out on the golf course.""Dad, Dad," The Mayor interrupted, "if you don't have a FUNNY joke to tell, you can just say something silly."[I put the full text of K's joke in the comments section in response to the many requests.] More About: Family , Walks
The Dark Lord
2009-09-08 03:14:00 My friend Merrily was out of town this weekend so we invited her husband Gepetto out with us.I guess we didn't look after him very well... More About: Friends , Dark , Going Out , Lord , The Dark
Just Keep Swimming
2009-09-03 19:55:00 When the pull of life's undertow is dragging me down, I swim.I imagine I have been shipwrecked and that I must try to reach the land.[I usually imagine this is taking place somewhere near the Fiji Islands.][The water is completely shark free so I don't have to worry about that.][Hey, this is my head trip so I can manufacture whatever weird details see me through.]It amuses me that I routinely swim when stressed, trying very literally to save myself from metaphorically drowning.I know I could probably sail home on some sort of chemical lifeboat, but as long as I am able I somehow favor trying to get there on my own.So I swim and swim and swim.Today it took me two hours to reach the shore. More About: Health , Swimming
Strapless
2009-09-01 03:00:00 I usually hang out at Rooster's pre-k playground for awhile after I pick her up.It gives her a chance to play longer with her best friend and I effectively kill time until I can go pick up The Mayor.[And it would be unfair not to admit that I really like the standing around and talking with the other parents part.]Over time, I have developed a friendship with the parents of one of The Rooster's best friends.The wife is secretly hysterical.She is an introvert and, should you meet her on the street, you might find her quiet, but you would not know her true nature.She endlessly e-mails me links to you tube videos of Latvian, Pirate Eurovision contestants.Recently, after I retaliated with a little failed Karaoke, she admitted that "Tuts My Barreh" is her new make-out, come on, theme song.[So you can see why I like talking to her.]And that is just what I was doing when I heard,"Mommy, come strap me in!"The Rooster and her friend had climbed up on the baby swings.Now, technically, they... More About: Friends , Motherhood
Ask For What You Need
2009-08-28 15:00:00 My children were picking on each other at breakfast the other day.[Because every day is the same.]I interrupted them and asked WHY they fought so incessantly.In response, they simply accused each other of being annoying.[Oh, struggle of struggles!]"Mayor, can you think of something The Rooster could do to make you feel good instead of annoyed?" I asked.He thought for a moment."She could stop kissing and hugging me so much. I don't always like to be touched.""And what about you, Rooster? Can you think of something The Mayor could do that would make you feel less annoyed?""He could help me to not feel so little all the time," she said.[Mi pobrecita!]A few days later they were both trying to make King Tut masks, an art project meant for much older kids.There were a lot of pieces to cut out and The Rooster became increasingly frustrated."Here, let me help you," The Mayor said. "I'll cut your pieces out for you."Beaming, she watched him cut. She didn't touch him at all. More About: Family , Discovery
Work-A-Day Buddha
2009-08-26 20:57:00 Because of a meeting at work, I spent the last two days with a Buddhist priest.In our forty eight hours together, I asked him a lot about his faith.Fundamentally, he saw the world as a borderless garden where everyone is welcome and invited to plant seeds.He suggested that each of us find our best, most compassionate selves when we help nurture the seeds that others plant, when we recognize the good in others and help them.He said he believed that love and compassion existed within every person, that it was universal.?When you recognize the good in another person,? he said, ?they go on to recognize the good in someone else. It creates a ripple effect for a more peaceful world. In seeing the good in others, you polish the goodness in yourself.?The priest said he tried to approach every human interaction as an opportunity to help."How can I help you?" he liked to say.I got home late the first night, and kept K up late talking about the idea of trying to recognize the good in others a... More About: Family , Faith , Buddha , Service , Work
Food Chain
2009-08-22 16:55:00 At dinner the other night, The Rooster discussed her day at pre-school.She led us through a list of proposed names for class pet hermit crab and we weighed the merits of each proposal."Joseph suggested Hermie," she told us.[Oh, the original!]The Mayor rolled his eyes and wryly contributed his own idea. "Why don't you just call the hermit crab Bait?"[!!!!]It's usually his sister's role to be the macabre one. More About: Family , Food , Chain , Idiocy
Uncertainty
2009-08-17 14:08:00 I went running with Merrily on Saturday morning and she made me cry.She told me about her friend M.K. who is dying of lung cancer.She has two kinds of lung cancer, though she isn?t, nor has she ever been, a smoker.The doctors predict that she will only live a few more months.M.K. is 41, she?s the mother of a six year old daughter and she is furious.Every time she looks at her daughter, she wants to cry.?Even if I lived six more years, or eight more years, it wouldn?t be enough. I still won?t be here when she graduates, when she gets?s married or when she has her own child... I shouldn?t be burdening you with all this,? she cried to Merrily.?This is what I can give you,? Merrily said. ?I can listen. I can do that for you.?On our final lap around the neighborhood, I found myself unable to speak.My voice kept cracking and breaking.?She?s in the anger stage of her grief,? Merrily said, ?and who wouldn?t be? She?s had the rug ripped right out from under her.??You think you?ve got things ... More About: Friends , Grief
The Law of Averages
2009-08-14 03:49:00 A friend of mine was in town on business and we were able to get together for lunch.I first met him at a party when we were in college.It was a fraternity party where the "brothers" were all engineering students with severely enlarged cerebral cortexes.[I only went to the coolest parties.][Geeks Unite!]Anyway, it was the mid 1980?s and John had on a skinny, leather tie.I was instantly IN LOVE.I stalked this poor boy for several years until he finally quasi dated me and then broke my heart when he told me that, while he liked me very much, he did not LOVE me back.[Only it took him a really long time to say it because he used a metaphor about setting off forever in a canoe with just one person and how I might be the person for the canoe, but? (??)]Years later, after staying intermittently in touch, we actually became friends.Both of us ended our starter marriages around the same time.[Practice helps.]Though he was never a good match for me, he has been a very good friend and I am grat... More About: Friends , Reflection
Softly She Sang
2009-08-04 03:51:00 "I am with you and we are together..."She softly sang to herself as we drove along.My mother and husband were in the front seat and I was sandwiched between The Mayor and The Rooster's car seats.The Mayor begged for me to keep my right arm limp while he beat himself in the head with it and laughed.[Oh, the proud.]Out in the Pacific Northwest, visiting my mother, my brother-in-law's family and joined by Grandma New York, we made our way towards Fort Worden State Park on the Olympic Peninsula.The Grandmas treated us all to a stay at an amazing house, The Retreat at Sycamore, seemingly designed for the sole purpose of drawing out your inner Zen Buddhist.Every inch of the house and grounds made you want to sit quietly and simply contemplate.[Too bad those of us in on the treat included four children under the age of seven who beat the house's giant gong incessantly, taking only intermittent breaks to divert yet still more water from the "personal cannonball pool" also known as the ho... More About: Travel , Motherhood
I Forgot to Tell You Something Last Easter...
2009-07-22 01:40:00 As I mentioned, we went to church for the first time in over a year last Sunday.The children pointed at the stained glass windows in recognition and elatedly remarked,"Joseph, Mary and Baby Jesus!"[They know all about Joseph, Mary and Baby Jesus because we routinely pass a ceramic, household Garden Mary forever praying over the sad state of the zoysia and, at Christmas time, there is a giant, plastic, light-up creche two doors down.]The Mayor, my most earnest child, concentrated fervently throughout the mass, trying with all his soul to understand the meaning of the service.As usual, he asked a lot of questions.[Which would be less of an issue if he didn't speak in ALL CAPS.]"WHO'S THE GUY IN THE ROBE?" he yelled.[That would be the Priest.]"WHAT ARE THOSE KIDS DOING UP THERE ON STAGE?"[Alter girls...]"WHAT IS THE PRIEST HOLDING UP AND BREAKING?"[Bread. The body of Christ.]"WHAT? HIS BODY? WELL... I'M HUNGRY."During a particularly quiet moment, when the parish was deep in silent p... More About: Family , Faith , Easter , Idiocy
Baaaa-d Catholics
2009-07-20 02:46:00 The Mayor and The Rooster, under the influence of peer pressure from their short and loud, southern, church going, tiny friends, came home this week and complained that their father and I actively deny them the experience of going to church."You NEVER take us to church," they whined. "We want to go to church."[Church of the Zoo no longer counts, apparently.]So, okay fine. We'll go to church.The Mayor went on to insist that he had to have dress clothes just like those his father wears to work in order attend.He hounded me about this every day this week until I took him to Macy's and set him free with my credit card.In the image of the Father? Indeed.Let us pray. At the church mass, there was a whole lot of talk about Jeremiah.[Not the one who was a bullfrog.]The Priest read something from the Bible..."Woe to the shepherds who mislead and scatter the flock of my pasture, says the LORD."[I pity the fool who misleads my flock!]"Therefore, thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, against... More About: Family , Faith , Catholics
Time Travel
2009-07-17 16:30:00 "Who is the pregnant woman?" I asked, thinking she looked vaguely familiar."See the boy in the Spiderman shorts?" she said.He was a young, African American child of about three.I admit, I had noticed him but only because in forty one years of summer visits, I had never seen a person of color at this particular swimming pool."Yes, I see him," I said."That's Bob," she told me. "He's her son and now she's pregnant with her second child.""Is Bob's father here?" I asked looking around.She shrugged."No one knows who Bob's father is, " she confided. "No one knows who the father of the baby she's about to have is either... or even if the two children will have the same father."My cousins or their friends always catch me up on the local gossip during my two visits a year to my Granny's rural, Virginian community.Throughout my life, all the stories they consider most scandalous have reached me in these hushed whispers. Everyone's secrets are known and shared, passed along at covered d... More About: Travel , Time , Time Travel
The Trailer
2009-07-12 15:00:00 "Wasn't she somehow involved with that man whose wife died in the trailer when that tree fell on it?" I asked gesturing discreetly at a pregnant woman in a pool chair.She pulled me aside in confidence."Well actually," she said, "that was her sister."I was at the community pool in my Granny's small, rural community and though I've been swimming there on summer vacations since I can remember, keeping everyone's life story straight is difficult since I am just an occasional interloper from the city."See that shirtless boy over there in the camouflage shorts and bare feet?" she asked me. "He's the one. He was that baby."She gave me a knowing look.In my grandmother's tiny Virgina hamlet, there was an accident about nine years ago.During a severe thunderstorm, a tree fell on a trailer home and killed the mother of a newborn baby boy.The child was protected and saved by his mother's body, though it took hours to extract him.This is one story that I have never forgotten as I find it ... More About: Trailer
The Breathtaking
2009-07-09 02:38:00 I'm always elated when I pull off the final, little, state highway and follow the unmarked country lanes that weave their way through the Virginia farmland to my Granny's house.I fill my lungs in anticipation thinking that I'm almost there.It was no different as I drove in for the Fourth of July holiday last weekend.I passed flowering rows of tobacco, faded red barns and endless, crooked fence posts.Shafts of sunlight filtered down through the hardwood trees making the pavement sparkle.Out of nowhere, a brilliantly colored hummingbird appeared.The hummingbird was the most extraordinary shades of royal blue and aqua marine, really quite breathtaking.I admired his beauty and watched the beautiful arc of his flight and then, understanding his fate, suddenly sucked in my breath.BLAP!I looked in my rear view mirror and there, in the middle of the road, was a royal blue and aqua pancake.Welcome to the countryside! More About: Travel , Idiocy
Home
2009-07-02 03:28:00 "I want to go home!!!" she wails.It doesn't matter.We can be at THE MOST FUN PLACE IN THE WORLDVIEW OF ALL THREE YEAR OLDS and if things don't go her way, we hear it..."I want to go home!"[Accompanied by a great and tragic wailing.]Lately she's started saying it when we're at home.[Um. Hello? Roo? Look around, Sweetness. We ARE home.]But our actual location doesn't seem to matter.Tonight, K felt a little sorry for her sad, little, worn-out self and he picked her up.She smiled and snuggled her face into his neck."Home ," she said. More About: Discovery
The Devil's Punchbowl
2009-06-29 04:07:00 My heart raced.I regularly suffered from anxiety that something bad would happen to Joseph, that I?d be widowed young.It scared me that I thought those things, but as I went to the phone, the pounding in my chest got stronger.Of the few people who knew where I was this weekend, who would be calling so early??Hello?? I asked the cordless banana.?Jessica. It?s Therese.?[Onset of full blown panic.]?Oh my God. Oh, my God. What?s wrong??There was no way Therese would have been out of bed so early on a Saturday morning if it wasn?t serious.?Campbell?s gone,? she said.?What???It?s John. He?s dead,? she said.?What? When???Yesterday. He drowned.??How the hell did he f*cking drown?? I demanded, angrily.?He was up in the mountains with his roommate?s dog and some friends.??But John can swim! Was he drunk??I was incredulous.?I don?t know.??Well, what happened?? I insisted.?A friend of his from Aspen called this morning. He has John?s address book. He?s calling all of us.??What did he say? Was h...
King of the Forest
2009-06-16 17:34:00 It was a glorious summer day in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Late August, I believe. I had my son slung on my back in a papoose contraption and I had my daughter slung from a sling like contraption around my chest. Together, my children weighed about forty-five pounds. We hiked along some forest trails, up ravines, and over river gorge log bridges. The air was fresh and clean and smelled of pine needles.The children were curious and asked many questions about the woods and the plants therein.My wife constructed a crown made of wild flowers and crowned me King of the Forest . I could not help but do a rendition of the same song from the "Wizard of OZ" sung by Bert Lahr. Naturally, my children thought Daddy was very funny acting like a cowardly lion in the middle of the forest.Our day was filled with wonder. That evening, after dinner, we sat around a roaring campfire as the evening grew chillier and chillier. Marshmallows and s'mores were the event of the night and were enjo...
How To Make Your Wedding Family Friendly
2009-06-14 18:12:00 One of my best friend's from college is getting married soon.She recently sent an e-mail to those of us attending with children.Her message sets a high bar for creating a family friendly wedding.I replied, gushing -- "OMG! THANK YOU!! I FEEL LIKE IT IS MY WEDDING!!!"Because she thought of everything, I thought I should share her e-mail and let it stand as THE guide to planning a wedding that both allows children to attend as well as ensures their parents a good time.E-mail from the bride...Hi everyone, I thought you would appreciate a quick note to tell you about our plans for helping the kids enjoy themselves during the wedding weekend, and to check in on your needs for babysitting.A reminder of Friday?s meet and greet at [the restaurant] beginning at 4pm, we?ll have some hors d?oeurves early on, and the pub serves organic sandwiches, salad, and chips. It?s a small town and kids will be completely welcome there until evening. One thing to know is that the pub is upstairs so there ... More About: Family , Marriage , Wedding , Going Out , Make
Formal Follow Up
2009-06-11 03:00:00 Awhile back I mentioned that I had the opportunity to re-live the prom.Well, the prom pictures recently came back...Here I am only two prom attendees away from Joey Ramone! How cool am I?!Look at the way I look at my date... that hunka-hunka burnin' love still has it going on!Raise your hand if you're sure!Raise your hand if you're my friend Gail and you're also sure!(It should be noted that this is Gail's ACTUAL prom dress from high school.)Who's the guy in the piano tie?And... wait... what's this? DORK ALERT! More About: Going Out
Thump and Pummel
2009-06-09 03:00:00 The other morning at summer camp, The Mayor greeted another boy with a chest thump.The two of them actually jumped into the air and bumped into each other, on purpose, chest first.This was a greeting.[Odd animals, these things called boys.]Similarly, we went away a few weekends ago with a family that we don't often see.They have a boy who is 18 months older than The Mayor and, though they've met before, this weekend was the longest they've ever spent together.They acquainted themselves with one another through a series of elaborate wrestling maneuvers, gut punches and general body thrashings.When they weren't doing bodily harm to one another they were shooting each other with guns fashioned from drinking straws, twigs, tinker toys -- anything they could find -- because despite my politically correct, Mom 2.0-ness...WE DO NOT PLAY WITH GUNS IN THIS FAMILY! GUNS ARE NOT TOYS!GUNS ARE DANGEROUS!...my child can and does pretend that anything he is holding is a gun.Through all their ... More About: Motherhood , Gender
Cheers
2009-06-01 04:26:00 My fellow Georgians,Recently, an official in Georgia's water infrastructure department let a certain cat, as it were, out of the bag. Apparently, the "maverick" state of California is set to put in place a water conservation program known officially as something along the lines of "potable reuse." Needless to say, only a bureaucrat could come up with such a euphemism. Promoters of the concept have, however, taken a tip from Hollywood advertisers to come up with the vivid and unforgettable slogan, "Ass to Glass." Now it transpires that, with their typical cultural arrogance, Californians are getting ready to export their program--including their so-called "vivid" slogan--to every other state.I'm sure you share my feeling that while we in the sovereign state of Georgia may see the value of a waste water reuse program in the face of drought, we will NEVER accept the cultural hegemony of another state no matter how big it is! Accordingly, we at GLOP--Georgian League for Organizing Poo... More About: Idiocy
Small Discovery
2009-05-27 19:50:00 "C'mere!" she commanded. I followed my brother's two and a half year old daughter Kimmy to the kitchen.She pointed at the microwave. "Push the button!" she insisted. So I pushed it.As you might expect, the microwave door popped open.Kimmy's whole face lit up.She flung her arms out to her sides and yelled, "TA DA!!!!!"Oh, the miracle of the modern kitchen appliance! More About: Family , Discovery , Small
Proposition
2009-05-26 03:53:00 Peter sidled up beside me while I sat on the curb.I was watching my children burn off the last of their jet fuel on the playground."Want to have dinner with me?" Peter asked.I looked straight into his large, very blue eyes.I noticed that his lips were as full as Angelina Jolie's.Peter took another step towards me."I have macaroniand Arthur," he said with confidence.A grin spread across my face.How could I resist a proposition like this?"It's bug shaped macaroni!" Peter said, leaning in close to my ear."I'd love to eat with you," I said smiling.Peter, my daughter's three year old classmate, beamed.
Left Handed
2009-05-19 03:30:00 The Rooster is left handed.I didn't think anyone else in our family was left handed until my father recently told me that his mother was a lefty.My best friend from high school, who is left handed, taught me to associate being left-handed with being artistic.I'm not sure if that is a myth or if it is true.My father's mother, my grandmother, wasn't someone that I'd describe as an artist, though she was gifted in the art of crochet.Artistic or not, my left handed Rooster spends a lot of time thinking about colors."Do white and red make pink?" she asks?"Does red and blue make purple?"While The Mayor painstakingly labors over detailed renderings of the world around him, The Rooster draws in quick, bold strokes.Great swaths of color combine with unlikely companions to form patterns and shapes that I wouldn't expect to appreciate, but I always do.Maybe it's just because I am her mother that I admire her artwork.I prefer to imagine that she sees the world through a different lens th... More About: Left , Collage
You've Been A Friend To Me
2008-06-08 20:07:00 When my friend Matthew heard about my Granny’s death and how I was there with her in the end, he wrote me a note that said,“If, when I die, it is with my grandchild holding my hand, stroking my hair and singing to me, I think that I will have had the best death possible.”Though I knew what he meant, I couldn’t see it that way at the time.Nothing about it felt like a good death.I wasn't at all prepared to stand by her side.She was stolen from me, too soon.Oh come ye back My own true love And stay a while with meIf I had a friend All on this earth You’ve been a friend to me -- Mary Chapin CarpenterToday, because he loves it, I cut cantaloupe for The Mayor’s lunch. This one was ripe and sweet, just right.Sneaking a piece from his lunch plate, I was immediately reminded of my grandparents. Though tobacco is the primary crop in the area, cantaloupe also grows in abundance on the farms near my Granny and Ady’s house. The taste of it reminds me of summers at their h... More About: Friend
Anatomy Lesson
2008-06-06 03:39:00 The Mayor spoke excitedly in all caps..."MOM! GUESS WHAT?""What, Mayor?""THERE ARE NO BONES IN HAIR!!""That's right, Mayor! There aren't any bones in hair!"Oh, my brilliant child!"THERE AREN'T ANY BONES IN YOUR HAIR! NOT EVEN IN YOUR HAIR MUSCLES."[Sigh.]Oh, my brilliant child! More About: Anatomy , Lesson
Get Up, Stand Up
2008-06-04 18:01:00 Attention all drama queens!Are you going to Blogher?Have you heard about the Blogher Community Keynote?Would you find it TOO FABULOUS to give a live reading of one of your posts?Then, Diva Guuuurrrrl, you should submit a post for the keynote session.Twenty blog posts will be read aloud by the authors during this key note session.How cool is that?I'm participating by helping to review the submissions in the parenting category.(Because I am, of course, a parenting GENIUS.)There will be five categories of submissions/readings:Best Rant Blogging About Blogging Humor Letter to My Body ParentingIf you'd like to participate, submit your favorite post (one that can be read in two to three minutes) in any of the above categories. Your submission should include:Your Name (as you'd like it to be published/announced);Your Blog URL;The URL for the post you are submitting; andThe Category for which you are suggesting the post.Send your submission to all four general committee members listed be... More About: Stand Up , Stand , Stand-Up
Shenaynay Soccer Mom
2008-05-30 03:45:00 The first e-mail was from The Mayor's soccer coach... Dear Team, Our final game is Saturday at 12:30 on field 10. Are you interested in staying after the game to have a picnic?Let me know what you guys want to do...See you Saturday, The Coach Another team member's mother was the first to respond... Hi team! Since the game is so late, I am sure everyone will have eaten lunch by then. What if the snack person brings cupcakes for a little party? I think that is a good idea, but I won't be able to be there. My parents are bringing my daughter. Thanks, Her Mom Um, excuse me? What if the snack person brings cupcakes???!!! Can you guess whose turn it is to BE the snack person? Hi. Oh, I know she didn't just volunteer me to BAKE on a Saturday morning.[Do you see my head rotating on my neck all She-nay-nay-like?] Let's see... how should I phrase my response?Dear Her Mom, Thank you so much for taking over as snack person this week!How generous of you to volunteer to ma... More About: Soccer
Parade
More articles from this author:2008-05-28 13:54:00 In the morning, K and I routinely face the Star Wars vs. Cars underwear selection conundrum, the slow dribbling of cereal milk down the front of clean shirts and the guaranteed arguments about brushing teeth. When we finally (and miraculously) herd The Mayor and The Rooster out the door for the morning commute, they ask,"Which instrument are you going to be?"K and I have to choose.We can pick the drums, the tuba, the trumpet... any instrument that strikes our fancy.Then The Mayor and The Rooster organize us into a line and we march.Single file we march out the back door, down the steps and all the way to the car, all the while imitating the sound of the instruments we have chosen.The morning struggles are forgotten and every day begins with a parade. More About: Family , Parade 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
|
 |
|
 |
